Search This Blog

Why Your ASD Child Is Angry and Depressed

Children on the Spectrum Who Talk Excessively: What Parents and Teachers Can Do

Question

My 7-year-old and soon-to-be step son never (never) stops talking and says everything he thinks. It is SO bad - (as is his severe interrupting) - that it is seriously affecting me and my boyfriends 3 year relationship. When we met he only had bi-weekly visitations. Now he was given full custody as his biological mother and her new husband cannot handle it. I am exhausted and cannot get a word in edgewise. BF says he is "used to it" and I just need to be more patient. Does the one-sided verbiage get better or worse with age? How can we teach him? How can I get it through to BF that his son is only going to stand out even MORE as he gets older if this isn't worked on?

Answer

One of the hallmarks of High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's is the kid's tendency to be obsessed with a particular topic and to talk incessantly about it. The child may want to constantly talk about cartoon characters, insects, movies, race cars, video games, etc. It can be very frustrating for moms and dads to deal with a bright, articulate youngster who is somehow "stuck" in one particular frame of reference.

How can you break kids of these obsessive thoughts and ideas? The honest answer is: you may not be able to entirely eliminate them. Some kids will gradually leave one special interest behind, only to quickly fixate on a new one.

There are two ways to classify obsessions: "primary" and "secondary." Often it's difficult to tell which of the two you're dealing with.

Primary obsessions are bad enough that it is super difficult to get the HFA kid to think of anything else. The obsession monopolizes conversation and daily activities. It also interferes with schoolwork. The youngster is consumed by the obsession. Certain medications, like those prescribed for OCD, can be helpful. Check with your child's doctor.

Secondary obsessions are a challenge, but can be managed eventually. In addition, secondary interests can be used as motivators (i.e., they can help the youngster succeed in school or improve behavior).

Here are some ideas:

1. Give less of a response to random, meaningless comments about the obsession. If your HFA youngster mentions the topic-of-interest when it has nothing to do with what is currently going on, either do not respond at all, or act perplexed. Calmly say, "We're not playing that game right now," or "Why are you talking about that movie now?" If the youngster becomes angry, give a simple "um hum" with little eye contact, then ask a question that requires him to engage in the present activity or topic of conversation.

2. Reward the youngster for making conversation that is correctly related to what's going on at the moment. If you son looks at the sky and says, "I see some stars," that is a comment which is appropriate and in the moment. Immediately respond with acknowledgement and praise. "You're absolutely right! I see them too! Look, they are very far away. You've got really good eyesight."

3. Use the topic-of-interest to motivate good behavior. For example, buy a book, toy, or game associated with the obsession. Your child can play with it when homework is completed, or after sitting quietly.

4. Work with your kid's teachers to use the topic-of-interest to promote education. If, for example, your youngster likes snakes, apply them to math (e.g., "If there are 10 pythons in the backyard now, and 5 more show up later, how many snakes will there be all together?"). Use the topic-of-interest as a starting point, and then build on it, slowly expanding the youngster's areas of interest.





 


What other parents have had to say about this topic:

•    Anonymous said… A small amount of mood stabilizer helped my daughter. She would become very manic about subjects and than OCD. We had to listen or she would become very angry. Now she can hear our concerns for the subject going on too long as she at times follows us around like a puppy dog and input to her obsession.
•    Anonymous said… attend therapy with him. you will gain a better understanding; appreciate his mindset and learn how to handle meltdowns.
•    Anonymous said… best thing to do is keep your voice lowered they will lower theirs and stop sooner.
•    Anonymous said… Dont worry It will get better as he matures. You could try some magnetic balls, therabrushing or a exercise ball to channel the energies. I know this is hard but try not to react too much. I was in the same situation as you a few years ago.
•    Anonymous said… Get the books "Autism Discussion Page" from Amazon. Find out what you are dealing with and get help. This child can be helped. First, he needs unconditional love and acceptance. Get to know him on his terms. Then you have a God given instinct as to what help will work for him. As with most situations concerning ALL children......the parents must be trained first! Invest in this child!
•    Anonymous said… He's a 7 year old autistic child with a broken family (trauma). I'm sorry but the very last thing he needs is intolerance and adults looking for ways to make him more socially acceptable to them. If you are serious about marrying his father than start by talking to grown autistics in the neuro divergent movement how they feel about your perception of this child. Next step would be to get yourself into counseling and autistic awareness training. This child needs love and acceptance like he gets from his dad. He does not need another adult wedging between the only good relationship he has.
•    Anonymous said… Honestly, it is a hard journey. I suggest you educate yourself on by reading and researching. Each child is different. They change but you will if you want to continue because it is a lot of patience, monitoring, and understanding on a daily basis. My son was silent but super busy to the point that the teachers almost had a nervous breakdown, not one but three of them. Don't judge him yet. You will know what you can handle. Prayers!!!!
•    Anonymous said… I think that the over talking stems from anxiety that stems from a constant need to feel loved and accepted and then it feels like he needs to be the center of attention in order to attain that. At least that's what I gather from my interactions with my own stepson. My son has ADHD and he's just a motor-mouth, and we really just have to remind him to slow down and think. His poor brain just moves so fast.
•    Anonymous said… I think when you get to know him properly you will get to love this side of him always full of wonder about the topics they obese over . He is a child and with lots of love and attention it will die down a bit once he has made a home there and has other activities to keep him busy. Also a child Phycologist will help your child learn coping mechanisms for learning to take turns in talking etc.. PS I know plenty of people that like to talk one sided and are not on the spectrum.
•    Anonymous said… If you can't accept him the way he is, you might need to have a think about walking away. Sorry.
•    Anonymous said… If you want to form a good bond with him I suggest taking the time to talk to him about something he is passionate about. Our kids here 'shut up' from a lot of people in their lives. Try and find something that quiets his mind. For my teenage step daughter it is games on her phone and searching for and making new recipes.
•    Anonymous said… It is all about retraining the brain with positive, consistent reinforcement - I would suggest looking into a Social Skills therapy group with other peers his age....
•    Anonymous said… Look for the good in him and build on that! Love and a calm approach goes a long way. You will not change him, but by educating yourself and learning strategies you will learn to adjust and it will help your life run much smoother.... They are beautiful kids!
•    Anonymous said… Maybe I'm just way off, but as a prospective "step" parent, yours is a support role. If dad doesn't take the lead, your taking the lead will only cause your resentment to grow toward the child. It is possible NONE of this will ever change. Will you be okay with that?
•    Anonymous said… My Grandson was 7 when diagnosed he is now 22 and still talks excessively and still interrupts. We had a fantastic Pediatrician. He tolds to get Tony Attwood's book, it helped amazingly. It not something they grow out of it. My Grandson has no friends because he talks too much. I understand how you feel but it's worse for them. They found out my Grandson was visual, so I went on computer and got pictures for his morning routine before school put it on a chart on his door he learnt that straight away and then memorised it. I had pictures up everywhere. You need to do your research and things you can do to help support, once you've done that you need to look at the bigger picture can you do this. School is worse because these kids are targeted and bullied and it triggers off a reaction in them and there the one's who get suspended. I only ever had one school where the principal believed in the child bullying who got them to snap got into trouble the same as him reacting. :) Like I said this is how it goes. So routine is good for them.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 13. Omg! I took my three kids to a labyrinth (it's a prayer thing you walk through) I said the only rule is you can't talk. That kid couldn't even make it 30 secs!!! (The 5 and 8 year old did fine!). Dinner convos are all about him. Me and my husband can never talk when he's around. But on the other hand I know he won't hide anything from me. He's very very open about everything so, you could look at it with a different view. It's very exhausting but at the same time I know a lot of moms would love for their children to open up. (And if he isn't talking he is making a noise of some sort. Stomping though the house, bouncing a ball, knocking things over. It gets to be sensory overload for me sometimes)
•    Anonymous said… My son is 15 and has been on respiridone since he was about 7. He went off it for a period of time at age 11 and it was hell when he was off it and asked to be put back on it. I works great for him.
•    Anonymous said… Our Aspergers son is getting worse with his talking but it gets better when we take away electronics and he is participating in more real-life stuff. We have a house rule of no electronics during the school week. We also listen politely to what he wants to say, then I stop him and ask him a question about it and he asks me a question back. This is direct instruction of socks skills. There are other methods. Looks like there's a lot of good resources posted.
•    Anonymous said… Take the time to listen and engage, build a trusting relationship and then together you and your partner can come up with some gentle strategies for teaching your stepson about taking it in turns to talk. Perhaps have some family discussion time where you all sit at the table and talk, ask one another questions and whoever is holding a chosen object gets to talk (he will be busting to talk so to begin with, direct your question to him) then hand over the object so he can answer. No talking unless you are holding the Object, this ensures everyone is heard, just go easy on him to start with. Then he can ask a question and hand the object over to the next person. It will teach him about both giving and receiving and conversation in a gentle way. My son who is 14 gets very tense when he cannot say what he needs to, he explained to me that it causes physical discomfort, so keep this in mind and just go forth step at s time! Most importantly, this journey isn't the easiest, but if you do it with a heart filled with love, you will learn the patience (and you will need it!) good luck!
•    Anonymous said… The more anxious the more he will continue to talk non stop. He needs an enviorement where he finds love and acceptance.
•    Anonymous said… those of us who found ourselves with a child with added extras simply had to learn to deal with it, yes it's exhausting, but we deal with it out of love, just as we would if we had a disabled child. It's you who needs to learn coping mechanisms, because trying to force him to change will break him, and you'll end up with a depressed child. As time goes on and as you get closer to him, you'll find ways to tell him that you need some quiet time and he'll learn to accept that. But you have a choice, take on the hard work for the sake of love, or leave the situation
•    Anonymous said… U can't change who someone is to conform to your needs & wants. Yes it's extremely difficult at times having a child on the spectrum. My Son drives me bonkers on a daily basis with his talking that never stops, but that's who he is.
•    Anonymous said… Use Michelle Winners social thinking curriculum. Specifically Superflex takes on the Unthinkables. There is one Unthinkable called one-sided-Sid that captures this behavior.
•    Anonymous said… We have found a solution to this that works wonders for my kids. I have a 10, 7 yr (HF aspergers and poss adhd) and a 15mth toddler. We introduced this... When mummy or daddy are talking and you need to spk to us, don't say anything just place your hand on us and we will place our hand on top, then you know we know you want to spk to us. When mummy and daddy have finished talking we will say thank you for waiting... What can I help you with? We created it as a rule and explained it to the kids and I was so amazed when they started doing it. If they forget, I just say what's our rule? Hope it works for you too. If you have any more questions about it, feel free to message me. Good luck xx
•    Anonymous said… You better do some serious researching. The thing is, they are all different. No way to really know if that will stop but so much changes through puberty. Mine is 15 and doesn't say much at all anymore. He stays shutdown a lot of the time. I wish I could hear some of that enthusiastic chatter again. Working on getting him out of defense mode. It can be rough so if you think you can't handle it, get out before that child gets too invested in you.
•    Anonymous said… You need to decide if you can accept him the way he is or not. He won't change. There are small things u can learn to better handle it... But at the same time, maybe try to see the beauty in it. I bet he's like a walking encyclopaedia. U can learn from his knowledge. We have a hfa son and decided to adjust our lives to meet his needs. We function different than a typical family, my husband and I aren't able to have a quiet conversation at dinner, but we celebrate that we have a very very unique son.... It is what it is.

Post your comment below…

Children on the Autism Spectrum and Poor Sportsmanship

"My boy (high functioning) hates to share - and even worse - hates to lose. He takes playing games too seriously, and takes losing too personally. How can I help him be a better team player? Also, what games might be a better fit for him?"

If you are a mother or father of a youngster with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's, you know that some games are difficult. Many of these kids make up their own rules, and that tends to spoil the game for everyone else. Also, some games just may not make sense to the HFA child, or he has a preferred idea that he thinks may work better.

As it turns out, there are some games created with HFA children in mind. If you have been struggling to find something that your youngster relates to, here are a few suggestions (most of which do not include the participation of others):
  • a color torch
  • activities that involve shape and color matching
  • blowing bubbles 
  • board books
  • books with flaps books with unique fabrics and textures
  • checkers
  • chess
  • computer games, although these should be monitored and used in moderation
  • drawing, coloring, and painting or toys that incorporate these activities 
  • factual books
  • jack-in-the-box 
  • jigsaw puzzles 
  • Lego and other construction toys 
  • picture matching and board games (e.g., Snakes and Ladders or Guess Who?) 
  • picture or word bingo 
  • playground toys such as swings, slides, and sand pits 
  • puzzle books
  • riding toys such as bicycles 
  • rocking horses 
  • singing and dancing games 
  • sorting toys 
  • train sets 
  • trampolines 
  • watching interactive videos 
  • word books that are accompanied by pictures or photos

Parents and teachers often get so caught up in educating and providing structure to the lives of children with "special needs" that they forget that, above all, they are still just kids. Like any other child in her age group, your HFA child wants to have fun.
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

While some activities may not be suitable for kids on the autism spectrum, there are a number of fun games to play with them, many of which can get them involved with others or help them further develop motor or social skills while just focusing on having a good time.

These children often benefit greatly from song. Even children who do not like to sing can learn to hum along or play simple instruments (e.g., tambourines, whistles, etc.). Using sounds that are repetitive and with educational lyrics helps these children learn school lessons, but also gives them an outlet for some of the sensory stimulation they need. Playing follow the leader with the instruments is a good way to help the children focus their attention and improve socialization skills.

Also, focus on games that involve closer contact with trusted family members. For example, make it a game to get across the room without touching the floor. Perhaps the only route in some instances is to be carried.

Remember that each HFA child is different developmentally, so stay in tune with how challenging the activities should be. As your child matures, she may want to be involved with organized sports. This should be encouraged, but choose your sport carefully. 
 
 Golf, baseball, and other sports that do not involve strong personal sensory stimulation may be better for your child than something like tackle football. However, be open to all possibilities. Be sure the team’s coach understands your child’s strengths and weaknesses and is willing to work with him.

Remember that a child with an autism spectrum disorder has trouble seeing things from another person's point of view. Therefore, he may be less likely to enjoy games in which something must be kept a secret from another person (e.g., go-fish).
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Overall, you and your child need to grow together. Remember that although she has many special needs, sometimes your child needs to simply be a kid. Encourage play along with work, and realize that games and activities may fulfill two key elements: (a) socialization skills for life and (b) learning to enjoy playing with peers.




 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

How Mind-Blindness Affects Children with ASD

Should You Treat Your High-Functioning Autistic Child The Same As Her Siblings?

"My husband as well as most of his side of the family often accuse me of mollycoddling our 6 y.o. girl with high functioning autism. They believe she should receive the same treatment as her brothers. What do you say about this? Should you treat a child with the condition the same as those without it? I'm torn on this issue because I know that my daughter has some special needs, yet I don't want to enable. Advice?" 


CLICK HERE for the answer...

Common Social Deficits of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“Is it common for a child with high functioning autism to have difficulty interpreting the messages others give in conversations? Our son does not seem to understand the rules of social interactions. If he doesn’t understand what someone is saying or doing, he will always be unable to give the appropriate response.”

Yes, these issues are very common. This is why social-skills training in crucial for young people with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s. Skills that “typical” children gain naturally do not become so automatic for kids on the spectrum. Below are some of the socially-related deficits that are part of the disorder.

The child may:
  • “Tell” on peers, breaking the “code of silence” that exists (he will then be unaware why others
    are angry with him).
  • Avert eye contact, or keep it fleeting or limited.
  • Avoid observing personal space (is too close or too far).
  • Avoid turning to face the person he is talking to.
  • Be unable to use gestures or facial expressions to convey meaning when conversing.
  • Be unaware of unspoken or “hidden” rules.
  • Confront another person without changing his face or voice.
  • Engage in self-stimulatory or odd behaviors (e.g., rocking, tics, finger posturing, eye blinking, noises such as humming/clicking/talking to self).
  • Fail to assist someone with an obvious need for help (e.g., not holding a door for someone carrying many items or assisting someone who falls or drops their belongings).
  • Fail to gain another person's attention before conversing with them.
  • Have body posture that appears unusual.
  • Experience difficulty with feelings of empathy for others. 
  • Have interactions with others that remain on one level, with one message.
  • Have tics or facial grimaces.
  • Ignore an individual’s appearance of sadness, anger, boredom, etc.
  • Lack awareness if someone appears bored, upset, angry, scared, and so forth (therefore, he does not comment in a socially appropriate manner or respond by modifying the interaction).
  • Have little awareness of the facial expressions and body language of others, so these conversational cues are missed.
  • Lack facial expressions when communicating.
  • Laugh at something that is sad, or ask questions that are too personal.
  • Look to the left or right of the person he is talking to.
  • Make rude comments (e.g., tells someone they are fat, bald, old, have yellow teeth).
  • Respond with anger when he feels others are not following the rules.
  • Discipline others or reprimand them for their actions (e.g., acts like the teacher or parent with peers).
  • Smile when someone shares sad news.
  • Stare intensely at people or objects.
  • Talk on and on about a special interest while unaware that the other person is no longer paying attention, talk to someone who is obviously engaged in another activity, or talk to someone who isn’t even there.
  • Touch, hug, or kiss others without realizing that it is inappropriate.
  • Use facial expressions that do not match the emotion being expressed.
  • Use gestures, body language, or facial expressions infrequently or atypically when interacting with others.

Also, when questioned regarding what could be learned from another person's facial expression, he may say, “Nothing.” Faces do not provide him with information. Unable to read these “messages,” he is unable to respond to them.

For information on providing social-skills training, click on the link below…

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management
 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
----------
 
 

Feeling Guilty for Setting Limits with Your ASD Child?

ASD: Difficulty Identifying and Interpreting Emotional Signals in Others

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects an individual's ability to communicate, interact w...