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Social Deficits in Team Sports and PE: Help for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Most kids participate in physical activity with their peers, both within and outside the school setting. Social skills play an essential role in peer interactions.

Children with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often have difficulty playing with peers, because they have difficulty handling reciprocal conversation, making eye contact, playing social games, sharing with others, taking turns, understanding social cues, and simply making friends.

Even though kids on the autism spectrum desire social interaction with others, they have a hard time finding and keeping friends due to their social difficulties that frequently stem from a lack of skill in initiating and responding to various situations.

Other areas of impairment that relate to social interactions in kids with HFA include:
  • problems with social distance (i.e., knowledge of personal space)
  • difficulty understanding unwritten rules, and when they do learn these rules, many apply them rigidly
  • interpreting things literally
  • difficulty adapting to the social demands placed on them in the school setting 
  • intense isolation is often a defining feature of their disorder

Many of these young people describe themselves as feeling depressed or anxious, and a major trigger for feelings of anxiety is having to initiate social interactions.

Researchers have identified other critical social skills that kids with HFA often do not acquire, including: understanding and using body language, learning strategies related to initiating and ending conversations, giving and receiving compliments, and empathizing with others. In addition, kids on the autism spectrum often experience difficulty accepting winning and losing - and handling criticism of performances.

Social settings that involve physical activity (e.g., basketball, physical education class, etc.) often heighten the anxiety levels of kids on the spectrum due to their gross and fine motor skills deficits. The physical ability of these young people is often lower than that of their same-aged peers.

As one teenager with ASD stated: 

“People tend to ask me how having autism affected me on a social level. A better question would be how it has not affected my life. Everything from my ability to make and keep friends, to interacting with peers, to playing sports, to understanding my emotions and feelings, to my ability to handle stress and anxiety are all affected. In short, it has affected me in almost every way possible. More specifically, in elementary school, I simply had no idea of what to do or say to my peers, so I kept my distance. In junior high, I hated PE, the teasing was worse and I didn't do well.”




Techniques that parents and teachers can use in the physical education setting and/or team sports include the following:

1.   Pairing children and allowing them to work with a partner in various activities is a successful method for increasing appropriate social interaction.

2.   Sensitive “peer-buddies” may encourage appropriate social interaction. In addition, they can help kids with HFA by clarifying questions or by giving them clues to help them follow instructions that the coach or physical educator gives.

3.   Monitor social interactions closely to ensure that kids on the autism spectrum stay on task and do not dominate the conversation - and to ensure that other children do not intentionally prevent kids with AS/HFA from interacting with the group.

4.   Reduce wait time. Children on the spectrum often display inappropriate behavior during unnecessary wait times. Keeping these young people active can increase physical activity and appropriate behavior.

5.   If a visual cue is not a sufficient adaptation, the physical educator or coach may consider role-playing to teach conversational interactions and other social skills. Many kids with HFA need direct instruction in such social skills as initiating conversation and taking turns.

6.   Role-playing activities also can help teachers and coaches instruct children in appropriate equipment use. Role-playing can simplify the often-complex skills of using equipment appropriately.

7.   “Social Stories” provide a framework for improving social interactions often found in team sports and the physical education setting. An example of an effective story is “how to successfully follow the rules of a game.”

8.   Use visual cues. When an HFA child dominates a conversation or takes control, he is often not aware of the occurrence. Developing a specific sign to share privately with the “special needs” child can serve as a cue to him to allow others to take part in the conversation. The use of nonverbal cues gives the youngster an opportunity to work on such skills as taking turns during conversation and during games and activities.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS (Dec., 2018 and Jan., 2019)

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Hi Mark! I feel like Im at the end of my rope with my 6-year-old son. He will be 7 in two weeks. He has not been officially diagnosed, but almost all of the AS symptoms have been there for years. Anyway, he cannot be corrected. Any correction sets him into a meltdown, discipline sends him into a meltdown... so many things send him into meltdown m ode! Dur ing these meltdowns, he screams, cries,, hits the wall, says random things that have nothing to do with the situation at hand, etc. He argues with my husband and I about EVERYTHING. We have two other children (5 and 2), and he is constantly aggravating them and bothering them. When we tell him to stop, he snaps back and like I said, cant handle any correction. My husband and I are definite believers in firm, but loving correction and discipline, and do not let our kids call the shots - we teach our kids to be respectful and kind... our sons behavior doesnt reflect what we teach our kids and I feel like Im at my wits end trying to handle him and figure him out. I guess my question to you is: how do I cope with the constant opposition to correction? No form of discipline seems to be effective with him, everything only seems to make him more angry and fuel his emotions. I feel like I cant even focus on my other two children because he takes up so much time in my day, trying to prevent or end his meltdowns.

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I have a 19 year old son who has a mild form of Aspergers/ ADD mix. He is extremely defiant, stubborn, proud, intelligent, has mild depression, anxiety disorder, and sadly a compulsive liar! He  will NOT accept his Aspergers diagnosis anymore ( diagnosed with ADD in eight grade), which he previously did prior to high school. He has a fit ( young adult tantrum)if I try to talk about it!  He was diagnosed when he was in third grade by a psychologist (upon My request) after being tested based on the DSM clinician manual. The psychologist didn't  believe that he was, but I knew there was so something different about him.

Anyhow, I wanted to give you some history of him so you can help me and my husband know what would be the wisest direction to take  with our son.  Currently, he is at college in WA state where we live( Western WA University). My husband told our son, Micah, during the summer that for him to stay in college, he had to do $5,000 worth of scholarships by winter quarter. This didn't require him to actually win the scholarships, but just putting in the effort! . He hasn't produced one yet! We'll be picking him up from college December 15 and bringing him home permanently if he does not do what his dad asked. On December 15 my husband wants  to see at least 3 completed, and he has until January 1st to complete the other 2.

Questions:
Are we making the right decision regarding bringing him home knowing his temperament and handicaps?  What would be the real reason for not doing the scholarships, because he writes really well. Is there something we aren't seeing as parents, besides obstinance? Also, Why would he originally accept his diagnosis and then deny it?

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I have a 14 year old son who in the last 12 months has been constantly hard 
work. I have had the school on the phone regularly claiming he has been 
removed from class and placed into internal for being disruptive. My son is 
dyslexic and finds it hard to sit still and concentrate and the school are 
aware of this but he gets no extra help other than counselling once a week 
which I had to request . I live with my partner ( who is not his father 
)and my other son who is 17- they share the same father . But my 14 year 
old has been in more serious trouble in the last 6 months and have the 
police to my house twice in a week period. One incident was a girl accused 
him of grabbing her by the throat but luckily this was witnessed by other 
student who said he was defending him self from getting repeatedly slapped 
and punched around the head by this girl and he only pushed himself away 
from her. The other incident again was by the same girl who accused him of 
having a knife on the school but again this was not a knife but a climbing 
clip which had a nail file and small scissors attached and he was accused 
of waving this around on the bus . I have grounded him to his room and 
permanently taken his mobile phone from him. He doesn't have a game console 
in his room. His behaviour seem to improve at home and at school as we both 
signed a behaviour agreement and he signed up to the local Army Cadets . 
The agreement was designed rather than taking things away from him he 
needed to earn things with good behaviour such as going to youth club, 
watching what he wanted on TV etc. But last week he was caught stealing a 
chocolate bar on CCTV from our village shop along with 2 other boys. I made 
him go down and apologise and offer to work for free until they are happy 
he has repaid his debt. He said that he knew what he was doing was wrong 
but he felt pressured as he was with his friends. The shop have also said 
that they heard this on the CCTV video. The problem with him is its never 
his fault he always has someone else to blame and he never takes 
responsibilities for his own. Again I have constantly told him about the 
consequences to his actions. My partner and I have been together for 7 
years and living together for 5. They use to get on incredibly well but now 
all my partner does is shout at him and I dread coming home as there is 
always an argument and this is causing a rift between us. My partner feels 
that I am to soft with my punishment and need to be harsher with him and 
his punishment. Again I have grounded him to him room and he is only 
allowed down for meal times and to do homework as I cannot take anything 
else away. I had a serious talk with him and advised him the road he is 
heading down is not a good one and to start thinking about his future and 
his behaviour as he is in year 10 at school. Just when I think he learns I 
then today get another message from the school saying he was removed from 
his class again and will spend half the day tomorrow in isolation. I really 
don't know what else to do as his behaviour is affecting everyone in our 
house and my 17 year old son is also getting fed up with how his brother is 
as we live in a small village and everyone know everyone's business. My son 
does not have the best self esteem and really would be grateful for any 
advice you can offer.

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Dear Mark,
I have just come across one of your YouTube videos and then to your website. I can relate so much to everything I read there.

My husband is 72 years and has multiple mental health conditions;
C-PTSD from childhood emotional and physical abuse from his mother (whom I now suspect was on the spectrum herself) and bullying at school; Combat trauma and military rape trauma (Vietnam); diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia.
He also ticks the boxes for OCD and ADHD. Our daughter, 39 years, was diagnosed with ADHD 12 months ago, which I had never suspected but since researching for her condition I realized my husband is very similar.

My youngest son, 49 years, from my 1st marriage, I always knew was different from toddler age and have always said he was Asperger's from the time I first became aware of the condition. He is not diagnosed and has many life problems.

My daughter is not diagnosed Asperger's either but she rocked as an infant and very early in her life I was removing labels from her clothing and she now has many sensory issues.

So I have been aware of Asperger's but never able to find much information about long term relationships until less than six weeks ago. And even less information about Asperger's in aging.

In the past two years my husband's behavior has deteriorated. He has become financially abusive although he provides me with TWO late model cars for my exclusive use.
His way of showing love? He also tells me that my health care is not his concern. I have no health insurance.

A year ago I went to stay in my eldest son's house 700 Kilometers distant. My son works away and I knew nobody in the town but I stayed away for seven months before I could face returning and I now I return for short periods to the marital home. I guess I have compassion fatigue, burnout, whatever. I now have a very short fuse, literally screaming with rage, where I have always been very repressed in my life since childhood.

I was always attributing my husband's behavior to PTSD and allowing for that,  although it's been a lonely 40 plus years. I have never been included in my husband's mental health care and I am very angry with his longtime psychiatrist and psychologist.

In view of my husband's multiple problems and his age, do you think there is any chance of improvement in our relationship. He has always stonewalled me, no resolution ever.
We just terminated 6 sessions of "Couples Counselling" which was a total waste of time and money. My husband still stonewalled although he did agree to counselling for the first time ever. Probably a result of my prolonged absence.

I know this is a long screed any probably disjointed but my husband's case is complicated and his mental health people aren't listening to me.

I hope you can give me some advice or suggestions of links relating to aging Asperger's. I am in Australia.
Mentally and emotionally I am not in a good place.

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Been dating a AS man for a little over a year now. I was reluctant at first to go on a date as I was previously married for 23 years to a   narcissist.
This is my second relationship.
I went and it has been the most amazing experience ever until he had a melt down/ shut down 2 months ago.
My therapist has diagnosed him with AS without seeing him. I’ve done my research and have to agree she is 100 percent spot on.

He is a executive chef. Was very attentive to me, always saying he loves  me, loves affection. Was very happy. Even bought each other promise rings which haven’t been exchanged.

So the melt down happened due to change of restaurants. The stress leading up and belief to still continue lead to he’s slow withdrawal, then complete shut down. Telling me he hates this situation and he doesn’t have time and won’t be able to make me happy.

I was completely shocked! It literally went from a 10 ( amazing ) to 0 ( nothing ). I couldn’t comprehend so I wanted a meeting seeking closure. All along desperately hoping he would snap out of it, as I care for him so much. Took me 3 weeks for him to finally commit to a short meet up that I was seeking.

When we met, he was open and loving and told me he thought about me every day and that he loves me but there is so much pressure at the moment. We kissed, held hands and he walked me to my car and asked if he could see me next week. I agreed.

Next day slowly goes back to calling me and things seemed promising. Five days later gets the news he’s dad has cancer. Understandably he goes back to slowly shutting down.

Meanwhile I’m slowly pushing to see him again. We agreed on a day ( which was rescheduled a few times due to work ) making my way there little after midday and he calls me. Saying he won’t be able to make it as the menus haven’t finished yet. I was literally 8 minutes away from the restaurant so decided to go there.
Not knowing he is a AS at this point and they don’t like surprises it didn’t go down to well. He was very rude. Not like him at all, besides the previous melt down.

I left and later that night I sent him a text sadly ending the relationship. I was so upset. A week later I reached out to him via text and basically said - don’t know what’s happened to us, no communication..... etc I know we have a beautiful connection if you are still in love with me, can we do dinner this week.

He replied right away and said ... the next restaurant has been hard on him and thanked me for the message and he will call me tomorrow. He did call, saying he would love to do dinner and if we can do the following week and this week is crazy, short staff. I agreed to do the following Wednesday.

So we slowly again start talking and texting. He said he was looking forward to dinner and so was I. Leading up to the dinner he seemed to get little distant, I just put it to weekend work always more extreme. Monday I asked him to call me when he is free to chat, calls and starts to indicate how busy they are going to be and I asked about Wednesday and he said he doesn’t think so.

To be honest I lost my cool. He’s like ‘what do you want me to do’ ! I can’t remember what words where said but he seemed to brush the whole dinner and if you still love me... to him accepting as the ‘ proper thing to do ‘ and ‘ something about being friends.

I was mortified! Playing hot and cold and twisting things and I was so confused. To my anger and no control for the first time started to send hurtful texts. Not rude but hurtful in a sense things I’ve always wanted to say but didn’t.

He called me but I didn’t answer. Called me a few hours later and I took he’s call. He couldn’t answer if he loved me, and all of a sudden ‘ how is it going to work’ he would say. Which made me more angry. I asked him during the first withdrawal if he wanted me to walk and he said no! All I know is he was sending very conflicting messages to me.

Next day had therepy and she diagnosed him with AS without seeing him. Your book is all him! I felt even worse now to know that the pressure made him completely change.
I called him to apologise and he confessed that he made the wrong decision leaving the first restaurant ( which I advised him not too ) and is working long hours. Has a lot of regret and is leaving the whole industry soon.. which is a big blow to him and he’s reputation. Having issues with he’s ex wife and is moving.
He stated I don’t know what’s in he’s head, he has so much going on. He asked if we can still be friends, to contact him once a week. He cares for me and let’s see what happens in the new year.

Help me...... please. Is he still playing games? Should I not contact him at all? Last phone call was 4 days ago. Should I tell him about AS? I absolutely love this guy so much! He was amazing and still love him regardless these hurtful times.
Does he want me in he’s life or no? I was so clear with the dinner text —— if you are still in love with me .... and he replied and agreed 

Just love him and want him back in my life. He is 36 years old with 2 boys and I’m 42 with 3 kids. He is Australia, Christain and I’m Muslim Lebanese. We used to met up once a week. Talk and text everyday numerous times. Been to dinners, lunches and he has cooked for me. We have even talked about marriage.

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Hi Mark Hutten
I am married to a man who I believe fits the profile of a HFA or Aspergers (he has never been medically diagnosed.) There was no way, when we married, for me to know this. Although there were signs, I just asssumed he was a well spoken silent type. I am 64 and he is now 75 yrs old. It has gotten to the point that my Mental and Physical health are at risk. We have a daughter together, who is Down Syndrome.  She is a thirty yr old adult now and she still lives with us and it is just us three.  She doesnt function highly and she is non verbal. I don't have any family near me for support. So I have basically been trying to wing it all these years. I am retired now for 10 years but almost suffered a nervous breakdown, when I was working, trying to Supervise in a stressful job, and maintain self, marriage, daughter and home.  It all became quite a bit. Now I feel my health at risk Heart attack/Stroke so I feel I have no orher chioce but to end this onesided relationship.  I Recently downloaded your ebook after viewing some of your online videos , but I have not completed the book. I dont know that I can pull anymore out of me for his sake. He is not a violent person at all and although there are no outward signs of anger, there seems to be some passive aggression. I do care about him dearly but not to the detriment of my life. I would like to know if we could do an online or phone conference etc. in order to speak with you directly, since you have such a vast knowledge, and background on these matters. I need your expert help . Will you help me please . This is not just for me but our daughter also.

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I think my son has aspergers. Parenting him is exhausting and I feel angry all the time. I hate feeling this way because I know he can't help it.

I am trying really hard to teach him social boundaries and to take him out to experience the world so that he can get used to it and live in it happily. But it's so hard. I believe my husband also has aspergers and this is also becoming very taxing on me.

My main concerns for my son are teaching him how to play with others, sharing, turn taking, not poking his fingers into faces, not waving toys or objects into faces, not roughhousing inappropriately, etc. Also teaching him to play gently with his 10 month old brother. Teaching him to not scream at me constantly and demand things constantly, everything has to be on his schedule and his way.

Also teaching him how to deal with his emotions. He is so precise and when something isn't lining up or fitting as he'd like he screams and throws and has such tantrums. I'm so stressed when he's playing, waiting for the explosion, it's daily and often many times during the day. He rarely plays by himself, everything involves me or my husband and Leo gets so worked up if I say no I can't play right now and he'll just pester me insistently until I feel like I'm going to explode. He refuses to do anything I suggest him to play, like drawing or playing with his bubbles (things he likes to do), he'll only play what's his "idea", and if he does play something I suggest once he realises I've suggested it and it wasn't his idea he'll start yelling and have a tantrum and throw the toy and pester me with demands again. 

He takes up all my time and I feel like I'm either appeasing him, meeting his requests, calming him, talking through his feelings and agreeing to schedules and negotiating and so on.

I have a 12 year old and a 10 month old and they both get hardly any attention.

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Mark,
I’ve emailed you a couple of times in the past and I’ve been thankful for your assistance. I have worked to implement your strategies for dealing with high functioning children but I have a different opinion that I’m hoping you might be able to show me where I am wrong.  My intent is not to debate with you, I am earnestly seeking guidance from you as a professional.
Throughout my son’s childhood we have use debit and credit as a form of punishment and reward because that seems to be what the manner he understands the most. As the same re-current behaviors would happen I would elongate the punishment because frankly I’m frustrated by dealing with the same thing over and over and having the exact same result which carried the same weighted punishment.
In the last year the playing field has been enlarged and our son was given a car. The stipulation of having the car were: that he were to maintain good grades, work, stay out of trouble.  He is having trouble with two out of the three at any given time. He has not worked in months, and he has been in trouble over the last four months which have involved both drinking and drug use.  We have behaviors in  our home that are simply are Simply nonnegotiable, drinking and drugs being two of them. The first punishment for being caught while using and driving under the influence was to lose his car for a couple weeks and that the threat of ultimately losing the car permanently if the behavior continued.  As the situations have happened again, and then once or twice more, the words that I had in the back of my head were of you stating that keeping punishments short and consistent is important. That sometimes if the punishment is too severe or strict that the child might throw up their hands in defeat.  However when dealing with issues like drugs and alcohol and the dangers that come with drug use, and driving under the influence etc. I believe that those carry more weight than typical cause-and-effect punishment within the home. And I wonder if that throwing up of the hands might be the start of a path to change. But I’m not sure so I wanted to find out it’s in situations like this, you still believe that short consistent punishments would still apply? We are very involved parents and we are struggling and trying very hard to find the right path to follow.

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Dear Dr Mark,
I wish I had found your information years ago.  My sister, likely not knowing what to do with my niece sent her to my elderly parents for an “extended visit”.  This taught our niece that she had several safety nets and she did the classic things, played video games day and night, made rude demands for everything she wanted. 
It almost killed my parents.  I sent her home to her mother after 2 years of this.   Next she was sent back immediately to her other grandparents  and when they realized the problems they sent her back to my parents!   All kinds of neighbors had many ideas such as our niece going to the military.  Not really a choice for a girl who wouldn’t shave, get a haircut or bathe.  
I couldn’t take her because that would be a straight line to my parents. 
I took away my nieces safety net and sent her back home again.  Her mother immediately threw her out and our niece tried to call every family member she knew. 
She was taken to a homeless shelter.  I was called by police. 
She learned in a very hard way to take responsibility and get job training.  I got her into a job corps school.  She now had a good job as an IT technician on the other side of the country. 
She is still selfish and cruel to us and of course I will never be thanked for anything as this is perceived as all my fault.  She isn’t my child but I saw that she is younger and will outlive us so she needed to support herself! 
I hope that my hard choice will help others!  Thanks for listening

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I have inherited my grandson, who has High Functioning Autism.  He does not function in a public school setting.  I opted to work from home so that I can homeschool him.  He careens through multiple meltdowns daily.  And he is largely non-cooperative (80% of the time)….  he either simply ignores me or flies into a meltdown at the slightest hint of redirection.  He is verbally gifted - I think it is one of his preferred topics.  He is unique and interesting.  He is also manipulative and socially clueless at the same time.   I raised 3 children in the 1990-2000s, using the Positive Discipline Approach (Jane Nelson, Ed.D. & H. Stephen Glenn, Ph.D.).   I worked administration in public education for 7 years, hands-on in the In-School Suspension room.  Before that, I spent another 10 years as administration overseeing  an assisted living center that specialized in Alzheimer's disease.  Working with individuals with behavioral challenges is not new to me.  But HELP!  Oh Dear!  His meltdowns are huge - loud - physically violent - and long in duration.  The typical meltdown is anywhere from 10 to 45 minutes!  A "good" day includes 1-2 meltdowns - - a bad day can have back-to-back meltdowns all day long.   Nearly all of his meltdowns are related to not being able to maneuver through his desired activities.  Transitions are difficult.  The remainder of his meltdowns are triggered by accidentally playing too rough or too close to a peer or adult resulting in redirection or peer chastising. 

We just had an appointment with his developmental specialist today and she says what she see is typical Autism....  she says she thinks I am doing a good job....  but I NEED some techniques on how to handle meltdowns ON THE SPECTRUM.  What I do automatically (from my years of experience) does not work.  He does not comprehend social boundaries nor expected social behavior.  He does not understand that others hurt when he strikes them.... he feels remorse but rarely due to understanding the way others feel around him - but more so in his failure to meet a goal of "no hitting today".  So typical CBT-type discipline and redirection does not work. 

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I am a parent of an 11 year old Asperger's son and I must admit I am very new to this as  a parent and also as a educator in terms of autism/aspergers. I am a also university professor with many of these students in my program at Bowie State University here in MD.

I just purchased and downloaded your book "Parenting Children and Teens with High Functioning Autism" and found you to be a very necessary and important resource, so thank you for all you have done and do. Yesterday, my wife and I  had an IEP meeting at his school, followed by a meeting with his psychiatrist and I left both feeling worse than when we went in.

He currently attend public school here in Prince George's County, MD (just outside DC), at a lottery/speciality school for the visual and performing arts. He is currently in the 6th grade but is struggling emotionally, socially and I see his esteem and spirit being lowered day by bay.

I must admit, I woke up as I could not sleep and I was extremely depressed this morning; feeling very defeated, frustrated and even worried in terms of my son and his future. I know these are emotions we all go through but I woke up at 5 am this morning, and just started searching fro help, I  found your website.

After watching your videos, I told myself, No! Get up and do whatever you can for Malcolm (my son) and for all children and their parents both in this school system and even as a university professor. I am not giving up and was so blessed to come across you, your videos, books and resources. here are the crux of my questions.

When we met with the psychiatrist yesterday, she seem to come to the recommendation that we consider removing him from his current school (if or since they may not be able or be willing to provide him with  the services he need) and into a private school for children only have autism/Aspergers. I have mixed feelings about this and truly wanted a second opinion.

Number one, we simply cannot afford this and I don't think that we've explore options at his current school in terms of his IEP and accommodations. Number two, I hate moving from his school that he has attended since kindergarten. He is actually on the honor roll and is enjoying and thriving in the creative arts areas and especially in terms of the visual arts. I also don't want him to continue to sufferI want to make the best decisions for him in terms of his future specially as he prepares going to high school and prepare for life and other critical and skills.

She also recommended we find a Advocate to help us and I'm not sure that would where to begin with this here in our area in Maryland. I'm still on break going back next week to teachAt my universityI will be off the next few days if you're able to chat by phone or perhaps by email or Skype. I'm sure you're busy and appreciate and respect your time I look so much to hear from you. My number is below and if we need to do Skype, Facetime,  Zoom or even Google chat let me know.

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I am following your Facebook page and I notice people would ask questions, but I didn't know if this is how they get a reply.  I need directions on my son who is 11. He was tested at 7 yrs. They said he was high functioning autism and had executive function disorder as well. They've mention getting him tested again, but it cost to much. So, with asperger and high functioning autism, is it normal for them to get tired when their is not enough stimulation from computer and tv? If we do school or drive in the car, he gets tired and falls asleep. Also, what are good activities for kids with autism? He gets sick and wants to leave as soon as we try anything (parkour, piano, karate). It's like he can't stand to much stimulation in busy surrounding but falls asleep if theirs not enough. Thank for any input!

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I have downloaded your ebook as we have our 17 grandson living with us now. He is a pleasure to have most of the time and has become more and more independent since being with us fir the last 14 months. He has held down a couple of part time jobs and is doing well on his college course. However there is an area he is struggling with, he has to attend English lessons as he had failed the English exam twice and also a resit. He can’t see the point of attending these lessons as he feels stupid and it makes him very  anxious. This causes some issues as he isn’t in the right frame of mind and often uses inappropriate language. Not aimed at anyone but inappropriate to use in a classroom. An example is that today he was asked to describe his thoughts about gangs and he used a word which he thought was ok but is a very offensive word to use in the classroom situation. He was asked to leave the room and now he can’t understand why as it was his thoughts and not used to attack anyone. He did leave but obviously his language is a big issue with the college. I’m hoping that this programme will help and I find some ideas of how to teach him to control the language he uses, to be aware if his audience and to use more appropriate words.
He knows that this could effect his other course which he is thoroughly enjoying and is a highly thought if member if the class. He is gaining distinctions and proving to be a great member of the group. We are so worried that if he can’t get along in the English that he will have to
leave college. I think this will have a massive effect in his self esteem which is already very low.

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I am a speech pathologist working with many autistic kids across the spectrum. I have a question concerning one specific student.

"Max" is a junior in high school. He has been on the track team, received the Eagle Scout designation in Boy Scouts, yet he is a loud, demanding, socially volatile young man whose parents are at a loss to know what to do with him. I have been working with him for 3 years on social skills and over all we have made some but not enough progress. He enters every classroom and therapy session with his iPad up and running insisting he include videos about Marvel or DC super heroes and tries to overtake anything going on. "Max" is in all regular classes, makes all A's and B's, and his parent's are insisting that he go to college. latest idea is to do voice training to be a professional ?voice> for new super heroes to be created for movies.  He has had a girlfriend (Life skills student) at school but considers himself a "ladies' man" and loves to flirt. The girlfriend got upset and dropped him. The girls he flirts with are talking with him to be nice (they regard him as "special needs"). When the "girlfriend dropped" him, he really didn't care.

How can I help this guy? I feel that we have a good relationship as far as he coming to see me and at least discussing topics between him needing to relate everything through the eyes and voices of super heroes.His parents both work, and their lives revolve around "Max", yet they are over trying anything new at home because of the "fall out" they get from him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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How Children on the Autism Spectrum Can Learn Self-Help Skills

Our top 10 picks on products to help children with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's to learn how to regulate their out-of-control emotions and behavior - on their own!
































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Parenting Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum: Double Trouble?

Most experts do a great job of presenting the problems children with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autistic (HFA) face during their adolescent years, yet they offer few solutions. The years from twelve to seventeen may be the saddest and most difficult time for these young people. 

This is not true of every adolescent on the autism spectrum, though. Some do extremely well. Their indifference to what others think makes them indifferent to the intense peer pressure of adolescence. They can flourish within their specialty, and become accomplished musicians, historians, mathematicians, etc.

"Special needs" adolescents typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and inclusion more than ever. In the cruel world of middle and high school, AS and HFA teens often face rejection, isolation and bullying. Meanwhile, school becomes more demanding in a period when they have to compete for college placements. Issues of sexuality and a desire for independence from moms and dads create even more problems.




Common issues to consider include:

Criminal Activity— Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some AS and HFA teens fall into the wrong high school crowds. Adolescents who abuse substances will use the AS or HFA teen’s naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group. If cornered by a police officer, a teenager on the autism spectrum usually does not have the skill to answer the officer’s questions appropriately. For example, if the officer says, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” a teenager on the spectrum may reply bluntly, “Yes,” and thus appears to be a smart-aleck.

Depression and Acting Out— The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an AS or HFA adolescent becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Boys often act up by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience “melt down” at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the adolescent now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol. The “saddest and most difficult time” can overwhelm not only the AS or HFA adolescent, but also his family.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Inability to “Be an Adolescent”— An AS or HFA teen typically does not care about adolescent fads and clothing styles - concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group. These teens may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Boys forget to shave; girls don't comb their hair or follow fashion. Some remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like Facebook and dating. Boys on the autism spectrum often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.

School Failures— Many AS and HFA teens with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The AS or HFA student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations. AS and HFA teens with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials face similar academic problems as students with Attention Deficit Disorder. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the AS or HFA teen how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on the adolescent can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.

Sexual Issues— Adolescents on the spectrum are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other adolescents pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An AS or HFA adolescent may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.

Social Isolation— In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, adolescents that appear different are voted off the island. AS and HFA teens often have odd mannerisms. One adolescent talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many are too anxious to initiate social contact. Many \ adolescents on the spectrum are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an AS or HFA teenager, even though she wants it more than anything else. One girl ended a close friendship with this note: “Your expectations exhaust me. The phone calls, the girl talks, all your feelings...it's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore.”




How Moms and Dads Can Help Adolescents with Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism—

Moms and dads of adolescents on the autism spectrum face many problems that others moms and dads do not. Time is running out for teaching their “special needs” teenager how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, “There's so little time, and so much left to do.” They face issues such as vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their child, if necessary.

Meanwhile, their immature teen is often indifferent or even hostile to these concerns. Once an AS or HFA child enters the teen years, his mom and dad have to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teenagers, he is harder to control and less likely to listen to his moms and dads. He may be tired of parents nagging him to look people in their eyes, brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Here are some ways that moms and dads of adolescents with AS and HFA deal with common issues:

Appearance— Because of their sensitivity to textures, AS and HFA teens often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person help you choose clothes that will enable your child to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practices good hygiene every day.

Driving— Most AS and HFA teens can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter - a trait that helps in driving. However, they may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your child carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains AS and HFA. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

Drugs and Alcohol— Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your child’s prescriptions, so you have to teach your child about these dangers. Since most AS and HFA teens are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

Life after High School— If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare her for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show her where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach her how to handle everyday problems such as “Where do you buy deodorant?” “What if you oversleep and miss a class?” As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with AS and HFA often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, these young people are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

School— If the pressure on your child to conform is too great, if she faces constant harassment and rejection, if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, it may be time to find another school. The adolescent years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their child’s best interest to enter special education or a therapeutic boarding school. In a boarding school, professionals guide your child academically and socially on a twenty-four-hour basis. They do not allow boys to isolate themselves with video games - everyone has to participate in social activities. A counseling staff helps with college placements. If you decide to work within a public-school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your child should have an Individual Education Plan and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for college board examinations. Teach your child to find a “safe place” at school where he can share emotions with a trusted professional. The safe place may be the offices of school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

Sex— You absolutely have to teach your “special needs” adolescent about sex. You will not be able to “talk around” the issue: you will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your child to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your child may need remedial “sex education.” For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors and masturbate only in private.

Social Life— When she was little, you could arrange play dates for her. Now you have to teach her how to initiate contact with others. Teach her how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage her to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell her peers that she has a disorder - let her do that herself. Many adolescents on the autism spectrum are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

Summer and Part-Time Jobs— Most of these jobs - movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc. - involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with the disorder. Some AS and HFA teens can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.
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Best Tips for Parents of Newly-Diagnosed Children on the Autism Spectrum

“Our 9 y.o. child was diagnosed with autism (high functioning) just last week. We’ve had our suspicions all along and I must say it’s a relief to know exactly what we’re dealing with. Now we can develop a course of action to help. On that note, would you have a list of the most important things we should begin to work on in helping our child be the best he can be given his newly-discovered condition. Thanks in advance!”

Below are 22 crucial suggestions on how to help your child with high-functioning autism (HFA). Some of the ideas will be very helpful, and some may not work at all. So, be prepared for some trial-and-error as you dial in the most effective strategies.

Flexibility, creativity, and a willingness to continue to learn will help you as you raise your "special needs" youngster.

1.    Ask your youngster's teacher to seat him or her next to classmates who are sensitive to your youngster's special needs. These classmates might also serve as "buddies" during recess, at lunch, and at other times.

2.    Be aware of - and try to protect - your youngster from bullying and teasing. Talk to your youngster's teacher or school counselor about educating classmates about HFA.

3.    Be aware that background noises, such as a clock ticking or the hum of fluorescent lighting, may be distracting to your youngster.

4.    Encourage your youngster to learn how to interact with people and what to do when spoken to, and explain why it is important. Give lots of praise, especially when he or she uses a social skill without prompting.

5.    Encourage your youngster's teacher to include him or her in classroom activities that emphasize his or her best academic skills, such as reading, vocabulary, and art.

6.    Foster involvement with others, especially if your youngster tends to be a loner.

7.    Help your youngster understand others' feelings by role-playing and watching and discussing human behaviors seen in movies or on television. Provide a model for your youngster by telling him or her about your own feelings and reactions to those feelings.

8.    Kids with HFA benefit from daily routines for meals, homework, and bedtime. They also like specific rules, and consistent expectations mean less stress and confusion for them.

9.    Kids with HFA often mature more slowly. Don't always expect your child to "act their age."

10.    Many kids with HFA do best with verbal (rather than nonverbal) teaching and assignments. A direct, concise, and straightforward manner is also helpful.

11.    Use pictures to make your youngster familiar with the new settings he will encounter (school, church, scouts, trips, etc.)

12.    Kids with HFA often have trouble understanding the "big picture" and tend to see part of a situation rather than the whole. That's why they often benefit from a parts-to-whole teaching approach, starting with part of a concept and adding to it to demonstrate encompassing ideas.

13.    Practice activities, such as games or question-and-answer sessions, that call for taking turns or putting yourself in the other person's place.

14.    Set up homework routines for your youngster by doing homework at a specific time and place every day. This will help him or her to learn about time-management.

15.    Some kids with HFA have poor handwriting. Typing schoolwork on a computer may be one way to make homework easier. Using computers can also help these “special needs” kids improve fine motor skills and organize information. Occupational therapy may also be helpful.

16.    Teach your youngster about public and private places, so that he or she learns what is appropriate in both circumstances. For example, hugging may not be appropriate at school but is usually fine at home.

17.    Teach your youngster how to read and respond appropriately to social cues. Give him or her "stock" phrases to use in various social situations, such as when being introduced. You can also teach him or her how to interact by role-playing.

18.    Try to identify stress triggers and avoid them if possible. Prepare your youngster in advance for difficult situations, and teach him or her ways to cope. For example, teach coping skills for dealing with change or new situations.

19.    Use rewards to motivate your youngster. Allow him or her to watch TV or play a favorite video game or give points toward a "special interest" gift when he or she performs well.

20.    Use visual systems, such as calendars, checklists, and notes, to help define and organize schoolwork.

21.    Visual supports, including schedules and other written materials that serve as organizational aids, can be helpful.

22.    Your youngster may not understand the social norms and rules that come more naturally to other kids. Provide clear explanations of why certain behaviors are expected, and teach rules for those behaviors.

Best of luck, and enjoy the journey!


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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School Phobia in Students on the Autism Spectrum

At some point in their school career, High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children are significantly challenged by anxiety. School phobia (known to professionals as school refusal), a complex and extreme form of anxiety about going to school (but not of the school itself as the name suggests), can have many causes and can include related anxiety disorders (e.g., agoraphobia and selective mutism).

Symptoms include:
  • a racing heart
  • fatigue
  • frequent trips to the toilet
  • nausea
  • shaking
  • stomachaches

Young children on the autism spectrum (up to age 7 or 8) with school phobia experience separation anxiety and cannot easily contemplate being parted from their parents, whereas older kids (8 plus) are more likely to have it take the form of social phobia where they are anxious about their performance in school (such as in games or in having to read aloud or answer questions in class).

HFA children with anxieties about going to school may suffer a panic attack if forced which then makes them fear having another panic attack and there is an increasing spiral of worry with which parents often do not know how to deal.
 

Going to school for the first time is a period of great anxiety for very young kids. Many will be separated from their parents for the first time, or will be separated all day for the first time. This sudden change can make them anxious and they may suffer from separation anxiety. They are also probably unused to having the entire day organized for them and may be very tired by the end of the day – causing further stress and making them feel very vulnerable.

For older children on the spectrum who are not new to the school, who have had a long summer break or have had time off because of illness, returning to school can be quite traumatic. They may no longer feel at home there. Their friendships might have changed. Their teacher and classroom might have changed. They may have got used to being at home and closely looked after by a parent, suddenly feeling insecure when all this attention is removed; and suddenly they are under the scrutiny of their teachers again.

Other children with HFA may have felt unwell on the school bus or in school and associate these places with further illness and symptoms of panic, and so want to avoid them in order to avoid panicky symptoms and panic attacks fearing, for example, vomiting, fainting or having diarrhea. Other kids may have experienced stressful events.




Possible triggers for school phobia include:
  1. Being bullied
  2. Being off school for a long time through illness or because of a holiday
  3. Being unpopular, being chosen last for teams and feeling a physical failure (in games and gymnastics)
  4. Bereavement (of a person or pet)
  5. Fearing panic attacks when traveling to school or while in school
  6. Feeling an academic failure
  7. Feeling threatened by the arrival of a new baby
  8. Having a traumatic experience such as being abused, being raped, having witnessed a tragic event
  9. Moving to a new area and having to start at a new school and make new friends or just changing schools
  10. Not having good friends (or any friends at all)
  11. Problems at home such as a member of the family being very ill
  12. Problems at home such as marital rows, separation and divorce
  13. Starting school for the first time
  14. Violence in the home or any kind of abuse; of the youngster or of another parent

Children with an autism spectrum disorder need to be dealt with differently as compared to kids without the disorder (e.g., teaching them relaxation techniques can actually make them more anxious).

The longer school phobia goes on, the harder it is to treat, so referrals to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services are usually quite quick to ‘nip it in the bud’. However, if your youngster is severely affected, it is better to ask for a referral (from your youngster’s doctor or head teacher) to the service before you are desperate as it is often overstretched: in reality it can take some time to get an appointment. 
 

Things you can do yourself as a parent include getting help from your youngster’s school. Teachers need to be aware there is a problem. Sometimes being taught in a special unit in school (if the school has one) may help your youngster feel more secure as it is a more comfortable place and acts as a half-way point between home and school. Some HFA children are so severely affected that they stop going to school. It should be made quite clear to your youngster’s teachers that she is not ‘playing up’ but that her anxiety is very real and she is suffering from it.

At home, life should continue and your youngster should be encouraged to carry on as normal. But she might want to stop going out, especially without you, even to parties that she was quite happy being left at before. Although you need to deal sensitively with her, if she doesn’t absolutely have to miss something, it is best to help her go by going with her for part (or all) of the time so that her world does not shrink altogether. 
 
It is also helpful to:
  • Encourage your youngster to find things she can enjoy in the school day.
  • Explain that her fears are brought on by thoughts that are not true thoughts; she is reacting to normal things in an extreme way.
  • Find things that your youngster can look forward to each day.
  • Keep to the same routine. 
  • Make her go to bed and get up at the same time every day (even on weekends) so that she has some secure framework to live around.
  • Reassure your youngster. Tell her that she will be fine once she has got over the part she dreads.
  • Tell her she is brave for going to school. Although her friends find it easy, she has a private battle she has to fight every school day.
  • Tell her you are proud of her for being so brave.

 
 
COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... Homeschool was the best thing I did for my daughter.
•    Anonymous said... Homeschool!!! Made a world of difference for our son. There is no need to force children into painful, emotionally damaging situations every day.
•    Anonymous said... I am homeschooling my son this year after a horrendous attempt at mainstreaming at a new school last year that just left him feeling horrible about himself and behind academically.
•    Anonymous said... I did homeschool .. Did wonders for his self esteem
•    Anonymous said... I would agree homeschooling sounds like it would just be so so much better for him....
•    Anonymous said... My son was compressing his anxiety all day and then melting down the second he was off the bus. It would happen every single night. Several times a week the school would call be because he was vomiting. After we finally figured out what was going on, we made the decision to homeschool him. It has been the best decision we've made and a huge blessing for our family. He is doing great, light years ahead academically and happy. I wish we'd have started when he was younger and never put him through that at all. 99% of the time, his Aspergers symptoms are gone or under control now.
•    Anonymous said... My sons kindergarten teacher told me he should snap out of it. She immediately learned the extent of my vocabulary.
•    Anonymous said... Same for my son....I homeschooled my son (12) last year. This year he is going to attend a small private school that is very similar to homeschooling with multi age classrooms.
•    Anonymous said... School is a constant struggle for my 16 year old aspie son. He's currently in a special ed autistic class at his high school but he still struggles with not wanting to be there. Last year we dealt with him having thoughts of injuring/killing one of his teachers. He too would hold things in until finally blowing up. I have been told by his IEP team and school counselors that home school would be a horrible idea for him and that because he has an IEP the school would not approve it. I considered online schooling for him but was basically told no. How did you all get around that? We live in Washington state.
•    Anonymous said... they likely say that because they don't want the school to lose funding they get for kids on IEPs, and plus the school has no right to tell you how you educate your child. Since when do schools have to approve homeschooling? Sounds like bullying tactics to me. It is your choice.
•    Anonymous said... This was perfect timing for me..school starts on Tuesday and last year was a constant battle with the school and getting the kids to go. Meltdowns, nightmares, and physical illnesses all year. I have been strongly considering homeschool iand its great to know how well it has worked for others.
•    Anonymous said... We had the experience. We cyber school now and it has changed everything for the better. So grateful for options such as this to help these precious children succeed.
•    Anonymous said... Yup true, I sent my son to homeschool. Better environment for them. No bullying from teacher and friends. when there is no bully, they feel comfortable with the lesson they are in. Now he even able to skip 2 levels....

 Post your comment below…
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
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ASD: Difficulty Identifying and Interpreting Emotional Signals in Others

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects an individual's ability to communicate, interact w...