My ASD Child

Using Key Words and Phrases to Teach New Behaviors to Kids on the Autism Spectrum

When using words and phrases to teach new behaviors to your child with High-Functioning Autism, it will be crucial to develop and write them down on a poster board or white board.

These words and phrases will be used when introducing or generalizing new behaviors to your child. By making them visual, you guarantee both greater understanding and usage of them.

Strange phrases or catchy sayings are often attractive and easy to remember, but actually using the words and phrases - not simply writing them down – is what makes them effective. Also, they should be developed by you AND your youngster, which will increase the likelihood that they will be remembered.

The steps to creating a list of key words and phrases:

Choose the area you want to work on with your youngster.
Select (or have your youngster select) a word or phrase to be used as a quick reminder for appropriate responding.
Teach your child to use the key words and/or phrases as needed. With consistent use, they will convey the concept and what appropriate responding will look like. This will allow your youngster to generalize a skill more easily. When the phrase is used in a new situation, he or she will know what to do, because the phrase corresponds to the new behavior.
After one key word or phrase has been mastered, add others as needed.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Below is a sample list of words and phrases that other parents have found to be effective. It would be daunting to try and teach your child all of these. Thus, simply pick two or three to start with, and then branch out from there over the course of several weeks or months.

Use your words (i.e., controlling yourself by using words when you are upset or frustrated, rather than responding with a tantrum or meltdown)
This is a choice – or – This is not a choice
Thinking with your eyes (i.e., learning to use your eyes to communicate)
Thinking with your body (i.e., learning to use your body to communicate)
Another way (e.g., used to let the youngster know that you don't like the behavior or tone of voice he/she is using, for example, "Can you try another way of saying that?")
The rule (it’s helpful for the youngster to have appropriate responses described as “the rule”; it appeals to his/her sense of seeing the world in black and white; often simply stating that a desired response is "the rule" brings immediate compliance)
The preschool way, the elementary school way, etc.
That doesn't make sense (i.e., used when the youngster says something that is inappropriate, for example, fantasy talk, mislabeling another's or their own feelings, giving misinformation on a topic, etc.)
Tell me what you have to do (e.g., often used after giving directions)
Switching – or – substitutions (i.e., key words used to remind the youngster about being flexible)
Stretching the topic (i.e., attempting to go off topic by trying to make your new topic – usually a special interest – appear related to the original topic)
Stick up for yourself (i.e., refers to the type of response the youngster must make when being teased or taken advantage of by others)
Show me (i.e., add the phrase for what you want the youngster to do)
School sitting, school walking, etc. (i.e., refers to a specific manner of doing something that has been demonstrated to the youngster previously)
Say one thing (i.e., when answering questions or discussing a topic with too much detail – this skill should be practiced)
Salvage the rest of the day (i.e., refers to not allowing a problem to ruin the rest of the day)
Respond Quickly and Quietly (referred to as Q and Q)
Problems and Solutions (i.e., refers to a technique used to either prevent a tantrum or assist the youngster in regaining control during a tantrum; referred to as P and S)
Personal space (i.e., not touching others when it is not appropriate)
Off the topic (i.e., said to the youngster when his or her response is not on the topic being discussed)
MYOB ("mind your own business")
Lower – or – raise your volume (i.e., to help the youngster to modulate voice volume; often paired with a hand signal)
Look and Listen (referred to as L and L)
KISS ("keep it small and simple")
Keep your problems small (i.e., used when the youngster's behaviors are just beginning to escalate in a negative way; serves as a reminder to maintain control)
Just do it (i.e., refers to times when the youngster must quickly respond in a particular way without question)
In your head (i.e., refers to statements that should not be said aloud, usually statements about a person's physical appearance or statements that would hurt another's feelings)
Good choice – or – bad choice
Get your control (i.e., key phrase used during a crisis)
Eyes up here (i.e., key phrase to help with attending and focusing)
Drop the subject (i.e., refers to talking on and on)
Don't get stuck (i.e., refers to not allowing a problem to control you or stop you from moving on; this skill is taught)
Don't be a "me first" (i.e., used with those kids who have an obsession about always being first in line, when playing a game, being called on, etc.)
Dealing with disappointments (i.e., refers to what to do when something doesn't go the way we thought it would)
Conversations go back and forth (i.e., used as a reminder when learning how to converse with others)
Bumping (i.e., refers to interrupting others when they are speaking)
Being okay (i.e., getting yourself together to handle a situation)
Being flexible (i.e., used when the child is upset with a routine change)

What moms and dads say is important, but “how” they say it can make the difference between compliance and noncompliance in their child on the autism spectrum. Sometimes a quiet, calm voice is needed. At other times, a firmer tone may be called for.

When you change the tone of your voice, point it out to your youngster. Kids on the spectrum don’t usually use varied tones of voice to convey different meanings. By pointing this out, you communicate your meaning, and you increase your child’s awareness of the importance of paying attention to vocal tone.

Also, this should be done with facial expressions and body language – two other things kids on the spectrum don't use when communicating to - or processing communication from - others. Vary your facial expressions and body language, and explain/show how it helps people to understand what others are saying.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

==> Are you parenting a teenager on the spectrum who is struggling to cope? Then these articles will help you, the parent, to help your teen...

How to Prevent Discipline-Related Meltdowns: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Spectrum

“Are there some ways to prevent some of the discipline-related problems encountered with children who have high functioning autism, specifically meltdowns associated with receiving a consequence for misbehavior? I say ‘prevent’ because it seems that once my son knows he is going to be punished, it quickly escalates into meltdown, which by then is much too late to intervene. Is there a way for us to ‘predict’ and thus prevent a potential meltdown?”

Most parents of kids with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's wait until a problem occurs, and then try to deal with it by issuing a consequence. Consequences can be positive (gaining something desirable) or negative (losing something desirable).

Sometimes, consequences are discussed prior to an event, but usually in terms of a motivator: "If you do this, you will gain (or lose) that." Too often, parents use consequences in the middle of a behavior problem (e.g., "If you don't stop that, you’re not going to play your computer game tonight!”).

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with HFA and Asperger's

Statements such as this are made when the behavior is out-of-control. The parent may have given many warnings up to that point - and is now acting out of frustration. But, warnings issued in the heat of the moment rarely lead to positive change in the short or long term.

With children on the autism spectrum, it’s far better to anticipate the occurrence of a behavior - and then plan for it. How? Well, many behavior problems are repetitious, especially in the same situation. Even when they don't occur EVERY time, they may still be frequent enough to make the parent’s “red alert list” (i.e., a list of events that result in problem behaviors that tend to occur frequently).

For example, one mother made note that nearly every time her son was instructed to bathe, he insisted on finishing his video game first (in order to stall). The mounting meltdown had little to do with the video game, rather it was related to avoiding an unwanted task.

A good rule of thumb is if a behavior repeats itself at least 50% of the time, moms and dads need to prepare for it. So, if homework, dinnertime or bedtime have been frequent problems in the past, chances are very good they will continue to be so in the future.

With a “red alert list,” parents can predict the future to a point. They gain the opportunity to forecast what is going to happen in an upcoming situation because of its constant re-occurrence. When parents have a good idea about what is going to happen, they can prepare their youngster for the event prior to its occurrence by discussing what usually occurs and what needs to occur.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with HFA and Asperger's

For example, let’s say that “going shopping” is often a problem-time. In this case, the parent can talk with her youngster (prior to the event) about what normally happens, how he acts, how she is going to respond, and how he is going change his behavior based on her response. Then the parent can follow that up with a discussion to see if she can get a firm commitment from her youngster that he is going to follow through with these new behaviors.

If the child responds in a positive way, the parent has an increased likelihood that things will go better when they go shopping – especially if this preparation step is practiced over and over again through the course of several weeks or months.

If parents happen to miss the opportunity to prevent a problem, there is often a small "window of opportunity" in which they can still salvage the situation. In the example above, suppose the parent forgot to say something prior to going shopping. As the child’s behavior begins to deteriorate, the parent has a very brief period of time (only a minute or two) before she will be in a tricky situation. The parent should seize this opportunity, because it may be the last best one in that specific time and place.

In summary, create a list of events that - at least half the time - result in your child acting-out. Prior to each event, discuss (a) what normally happens, and (b) what you expect the new outcome to be. Then try to get your child's approval on the new outcome. Lastly, practice this sequence until it becomes a habit.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

---------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Click here for the full article...

Informal Quiz for Parents: Does My Child Have High-Functioning Autism?

“We suspect that our 6 y.o. son has autism (the high functioning end of the spectrum). I know you can’t diagnose a child with an autism spectrum disorder via the internet, but is there an informal quiz or test that will give us a hint as to whether or not we should pursue a formal assessment? And where do we go to have him checked?”

Of course, parents will only know for sure if their child has High-Functioning Autism (HFA) by getting a professional diagnosis. Having said that, if you answer “no” to most of the questions below (1 - 21), seeking a formal assessment would be warranted:

Are people important to your child?
Can your child easily dress him/herself?
Can your child easily tie his/her shoes?
Can your child keep a two-way conversation going?
Can he/she ride a bicycle (even with stabilizers)?
Does your child care about how he/she is perceived by the rest of the group?
Does your child enjoy joking around?
Does he/she enjoy sports?
Does your child find it easy to interact with other children?
Does your child have friends, rather than just acquaintances?
Does he/she join in playing games with others easily?
Does your child make normal eye-contact?
Does your child mostly have the same interests as his/her peers?
Does he/she often come up to you spontaneously for a chat?
Does he/she play imaginatively with other children, and engage in role-play?
Does your child prefer imaginative activities such as play-acting or story-telling, rather than numbers or a list of facts?
Is it important for him/her to fit in with a peer group?
Is your child good at turn-taking in conversation?
Is your child’s reading comprehension appropriate for his/her age?
Was your child speaking by 2 years old?
When your child was about 3 years old, did he/she spend a lot of time pretending (e.g., play-acting being a super-hero, or holding teddy's tea parties?

__________

If you answer “yes” to most of these questions (1 – 17), seeking a formal assessment is also warranted:

Does your child appear to notice unusual details that others miss?
Does your child try to impose routines on him/herself, or on others, in such a way that causes problems?
Does your child do or say things that are tactless or socially inappropriate?
Does he/she have an interest that takes up so much time that he/she does little else?
Does your child have an unusual memory for details?
Does your child have any unusual and repetitive movements?
Does he/she have difficulty understanding the rules for polite behavior?
Does your child have odd or unusual phrases?
Does your child like to do the same things over and over again, in the same way all the time?
Does your child often turn conversations to his/her favorite subject rather than following what the other person wants to talk about?
Does he/she sometimes lose the listener because the listener gets bored with what your child is talking about?
Does your child sometimes say "you" or "your child" when he/she means to say "I"?
Does your child tend to take things literally?
Has your child ever been diagnosed with a language delay, ADHD, hearing or visual difficulties, or a physical disability?
Have teachers ever expressed any concerns about his/her development?
Is his/her voice unusual (e.g., overly adult, flat, or very monotonous)
Is your child’s social behavior very one-sided and always on his or her terms?

High-Functioning Autism can be hard to diagnose. There are a number of reasons for this:

Kids with HFA are, by definition, of average or above average intelligence.
The “high-functioning” child may develop a means to hide, manage, or overcome the symptoms associated with the disorder.
He or she may do well in school, communicate effectively, and pass an IQ test with flying colors.
The child’s language skills may mask certain symptoms.
Due to the fact that HFA carries with it a lot of strengths, the child’s strong points may carry him or her through early elementary school with only minor behavioral and/or social issues.
When told often enough to “make eye contact” or “stop talking about the same things over and over again,” kids on the spectrum are often able to either hide, control, or even overcome the need to present obvious symptoms. When this occurs, the overt signs of HFA are not present, making a diagnosis difficult.
With girls on the autism spectrum, certain behaviors associated with the disorder may simply be considered "feminine" rather than problematic (e.g., shyness, discomfort with public speaking, difficulties with motor coordination, confusion over social communication in situations such as team sports, etc.). Also, girls with HFA behave differently than boys with HFA (e.g., they tend to be less aggressive, more imitative, and more likely to work hard to "fit in").

Your child’s doctor can make a referral to a professional who specializes in autism spectrum disorders. This is the individual who can cut through the haze and come up with a proper course of action.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

---------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Click here for the full article...

Meltdowns and Punishment: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"I know parents shouldn't punish a child for having a meltdown, but how do I know when it's a meltdown versus flat out bad attitude?"

One of the most important things for parents to realize is that a meltdown is a trait of High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's. Because meltdowns can often look like tantrums, it's sometimes difficult to know what course of action to take.

To make matters worse, a particular behavior may be meltdown-related on one occasion, but a simple tantrum on another occasion (e.g., the child may have a tantrum over a certain food item because it tastes "yucky," yet he or she acts-out in the same way over another food item due to a gustatory (i.e., taste) sensitivity.

Children on the autism spectrum can avoid tantrums - but not meltdowns. The best parents can do is try to reduce the damage. Punishing a child for a meltdown is like punishing someone for swearing when they hit their thumb with a hammer. It won't do any good whatsoever and can only serve to increase the distance between you and your child.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

In addition, meltdowns aren't wholly caused by the current scenario, but are usually the result of an overwhelming number of other issues. The one that "causes" the meltdown is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Unless you're a mind reader, you won't necessarily know what the other factors are, and your child may not be able to fully communicate the problem.

A meltdown is a condition where the HFA or Asperger's child temporarily loses control due to emotional responses to environmental factors (e.g., sensory sensitivities, anxiety, social frustration, etc.). It generally appears that the child has lost control over a single and specific issue; however, this is very rarely the case. Usually, the problem is an accumulation of a number of irritations which could span a fairly long period of time, particularly given the strong long-term memory that kids on the autism spectrum are known to have.

In addition, the problems may seem hidden due to the following:

Kids on the autism spectrum don't tend to give a lot of clues that they are irritated.
Often times, the child's grievances are aired as part of his or her normal conversation and may be interpreted by parents as part of his or her standard whining.
Some things that annoy HFA and Asperger's kids would not be considered annoying to other kids, which makes parents less likely to pick up on a potential problem.
Their facial expressions very often will not convey frustration.
Their vocal tones will often remain flat - even when they are highly agitated.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Some children on the spectrum describe the meltdown as a red or grey band across the eyes. There is a loss of control and a feeling of being a powerless observer outside the body. This can be dangerous as the child may strike out, particularly if the instigator is nearby or if the HFA child is taunted during a meltdown.

Sometimes, depression is the only outward visible sign of a meltdown. At other times, depression results when the child leaves his or her meltdown-state and confronts the results of the meltdown. The depression is a result of guilt over abusive or violent behavior, which may result in a shutdown (e.g., the child curls up into a fetal position and hides from the world).

Sometimes, the best thing that parents can do is to train themselves to recognize the triggers to a meltdown before the meltdown happens - and take steps to avoid it. Once the child reaches an age where he or she can understand "meltdown triggers," parents can work on explaining the situation.

One way to do this is to discreetly videotape a meltdown and allow the child to watch it after he or she has calmed down (kids on the spectrum are very visual and learn best from images and videos). You could then discuss the incident, explain why it isn't socially acceptable, and give the child some alternatives.

More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

Meltdowns vs. Shutdowns and How Parents Should Respond

"Are shutdowns actually avoidance behavior, in other words, the child is simply trying to get out of doing something uncomfortable? And how is it different than a meltdown? I'm not sure exactly where to draw the line between intentional and involuntary acts with my 10 y.o. (high-functioning) son."

When it comes to dealing with a child who has High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's (AS), there aren't too many differences between meltdowns and shutdowns. Both are extreme reactions to everyday stimuli. Both tend to be the result of long-term unresolved issues rather than the more obvious triggers, and both are almost completely out-of-the-control of the youngster rather than being used as a means to an end (which would be either a tantrum or emotional blackmail).

Some kids on the autism spectrum are more prone to meltdowns while others lean more towards the shutdown reaction. It's possible to do both, but this depends greatly on the root cause of the problem. There's a personality component to the reaction with HFA kids who are more sure of themselves or more fiercely independent leaning towards meltdowns rather than shutdowns, but again there's a wide variance depending upon the feelings brought on by the trigger. Some events can make even the most confident youngster on the spectrum doubt himself or herself.

What exactly is a shutdown?

While a meltdown could be described as rage against a situation, a shutdown tends to be more of a retreat. Behaviors which manifest during a shutdown include:

rolling oneself into a ball or fetal position
crawling under objects
lying face down or completely under the covers on a bed
gaze avoidance tends to increase significantly
conversation may be non-existent

As with meltdowns, in a shutdown situation, the youngster may act irrationally or dangerously. Unlike a meltdown however, the harmful activities are almost always directed at oneself. The youngster may attempt self-harm - and may even be suicidal in some cases. He or she may be more likely to take reckless risks (e.g., attempting to jump out of a bedroom window).

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

What causes a shutdown?

As with meltdowns, the cause of a shutdown tends to be cumulative, and the trigger may bear little resemblance to the actual problem. The real problems associated with shutdowns tend to lean towards depression, loneliness, poor self-image and poor self-worth.

In younger children, a shutdown may be triggered because of a simple breakfast issue (e.g., they were given something they don't like). In this case, the cause may actually have nothing to do with breakfast at all, but rather it may be symptomatic of the youngster's frustration at not being able to make himself understood.

What does a shutdown look like in adults on the autism spectrum?

In grown-ups, shutdowns can result from extreme events (e.g., losing a job, marriage break-up, etc.), but they can also have very small triggers, which simply remind the person of a larger pain (e.g., a small incident at work can provoke some long-term insecurities and cause a retreat).

A shutdown will move some form of emotional pain to the center of the adult's focus, and he or she may start contemplating "what if" and "if only" scenarios. These thoughts are always counter-productive, because you can't change the past, and they usually only make the person feel entrapped by events. During a shutdown, the adult may collapse into a heap and will generally not have any contact with anyone.

What can be done?

Think of the fight-or-flight response. When a child shuts down, he is in flight mode. In other words, the child is trying to protect himself/herself from real or imagined harm. So, your objective as a parent is to think in terms of assuring the child that he or she is not in harm's way. Here are a few tips to achieve this objective:

1. Children on the autism spectrum often shut down as a result of being teased, rejected or bullied by others (e.g., siblings, peers, etc.). Thus, it's very important to counter any negative messages your son is receiving from others. If those negative messages are coming from teachers or other family members, then you may need to get involved yourself.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

2. Unlike meltdowns (where it's best to leave the youngster alone - but in a safe place), it's generally helpful to talk in a soothing voice during a shutdown. Just make sure that you're careful what you say - and keep things positive. The only thing to remember when soothing your son during a shutdown is that you're still dealing with a child on the autism spectrum. Don't try to force eye contact, and don't touch him without either being invited to do so - or being cautious to see the reaction first.

3. Send him a text message (assuming he has a cell phone) voicing your concern. In this way, you are less likely to elicit an immediate and defensive reaction. The advantage of a text message is that it allows stepping away from the situation and invites reflection and thought.

4. When your son is in shutdown mode, don’t talk directly to him. When possible, let him overhear you expressing your concern (in a non-critical and non-judgmental way) to someone else (e.g., a spouse). In this way, you are giving your son a chance to understand your concern with no immediate response called for on his part. Your son is more likely to hear your words as concern rather than an attempt to control. You are giving him an opening to talk when he is ready.

5. When your son shuts down, sometimes the best thing you can do is whisper, because it is so different from what he normally hears. If you get down at his level and whisper, then he has to pay closer attention to what you're saying in order to hear you. He will be very curious as to what you're saying (e.g., "I see you're upset. I want you to know that I'm here to listen to you when you're ready to talk. In the meantime, you are safe and nobody is going to hurt you.").

More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

Parents’ Comments:

•    Anonymous said... my son has shutdowns more than meltdowns i never knew there was more than one kind... thanks for the post makes sence now weve been told to grab and hold him when hes trying to hurt himself since it can get serious. he still managed to bang his head good last one we had. does anyone else see a kid that doesnt remember what happened in a shutdown? ours claims he cant remember its what led us to the therapist saying something is wrong... they said aspergers. he was missdiagnosed for years
•    Anonymous said... My daughter is also more prone to shutdown more than meltdown as she has such a beautiful and caring nature. She has now learnt that rather than going through the frustration of trying to explain herself verbally, it's much easier for her to draw a picture or act it out (the arts, both visual and performing, are a life long obsession) and she asks for visual cues when she can't understand whats being explained to her, or she simply says "I don't understand, can you please show me another way?" So she is basically overcoming her difficulties her own way to avoid frustration.
•    Anonymous said... My 4-year-old is just like this. I hadn't read anything about shutdowns before, but this is exactly what he does when he is distressed (hides under the bed, curls up on the floor, etc.).
•    Anonymous said... My 8 yr old has meltdowns at home, but he will shutdown at school, so that's when I get a phone call to come and get him.
•    Anonymous said... I don't know what's worse. My 5 year old has the mother of all meltdowns. It's so hard. However I'm sure that it feels helpless when your child goes into shutdown mode.
•    Anonymous said... Thank you so much for sharing this!
•    Anonymous said... I had not read about shutdowns before either - this is so so helpful!
•    Anonymous said... I must admit I hadn't realised shutdown was a thing, my son has meltdowns, but they are few and far between just now, he seems to have switched to shut downs instead. His self harming behaviour is not present during shutdowns, just meltdowns. I would rather deal with a shut down, but after reading this I realise I still have a lot to do :) Thank you x
•    Unknown said... Thank you so much for this information. Both my husband and son were diagnosed with HFA. I am learning much about the issue surrounding the disorder, and through mistakes and life experience. I hope this article helps others as well.
•    Upside Down Cake said... I can tell you shut downs are pretty horrible. When I have one I can't even talk. People around me will think I'm being rude but I'm not, I literally have no control. For me I normally get them with too much stimulation but they can be the result of a build up of stress. I also have partial shut downs which can last for days and leave me needing my bed the whole time. I find these partial shut downs are caused but stress and I can face going out or having contact in any form with the outside world. It is nice tho if there is a calm caring person around to make tea and give sympathy. During these partial shut downs I am totally drain and I suffer with a lot of pains, my arms go numb too xx
•    Multiple Me's said... My aspie had a total shutdown for 6 months in school and his teacher never communicated that to me. He was then placed in a gifted class and struggled to catch up. Meltdowns and shutdowns were his entire life until he was diagnosed with a new mood disorder and treated. Once I put him in online school, he became a different boy and started articulating what had happened in his mind for 2 years. The poor child was in such pain, yet at 12 yrs was able to finally start talking and so intuitively it was shocking. That was when we finally got the ASD (aspie) diagnosis. His schooling caught up, straight A's for two years, advanced classes, and even high school math credit in 8th grade. We're able to work through meltdowns and shutdowns quickly now because we both look for triggers and work them out. I wish I had this article when he was a toddler and either started his violent meltdowns or seemed secretive and stoic and wouldn't cry or talk. He still doesn't cry, even when hurt, so I know he continues to escape.

Post your comment below…

Why "Traditional Discipline" Doesn't Work for Many Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“Why is there a general consensus that children on the autism spectrum (specifically on the high end) should not receive ‘traditional’ discipline that works with most other children? What am I missing here?”

Traditional discipline may fail to produce the desired results for kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s, primarily because they are unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures are apt to exacerbate the type of behavior the punishment is intended to reduce, while at the same time increasing the anxiety-level of the child.

This paradox is due to some of the traits of the disorder, specifically the following:

Executive dysfunction: An impairment in the higher-order processes that enable us to plan, sequence, initiate, and sustain our behavior towards some goal, incorporating feedback and making adjustments along the way.
Theory of mind deficits: This is an inability to recognize that other people have thoughts, feelings and intentions that are different to one's own, and an inability to intuitively guess what these may be.
Weak central coherence: The inability to bring together various details from perception to make a meaningful whole.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these deficits:

1. Executive function can be defined as the way in which people monitor and control their thoughts and actions. It is actually a broad category that includes such processes as working memory, planning, cognitive flexibility, and inhibitory control. “Inhibitory control” is one aspect of executive function, and is the ability to restrain (or inhibit) potentially interfering responses and to self-regulate in certain situations.

2. Theory of mind is the ability that we all have in order to make sense of the world we live in. Every person's thoughts, knowledge, beliefs and desires make up his or her own unique theory of mind. From the age of around 4 years, “typical” kids understand that other people have thoughts, knowledge, beliefs and desires that will influence their behavior. However, children with HFA and Asperger’s appear to have some difficulties conceptualizing and appreciating the thoughts and feelings of others (i.e., lack of empathy).

It is this “mind-blindness” that may impair these special needs kids to be able to relate to - and understand the behaviors of - others. Mind-blindness also means the child has difficulty in distinguishing whether someone's actions are intentional or accidental. By failing to account for other’s perspectives, children on the spectrum tend to misinterpret their messages. Many of the social-skills deficits observed in children with HFA and Asperger’s may have their genesis in the lack of ability to decipher subtle meaning from the environment.

3. Central coherence is the ability to focus on both details as well as wholes. However, children on the autism spectrum appear to have a heightened focus on details rather than wholes (a cognitive style termed “weak central coherence”). This is the reason why some kids with HFA and Asperger’s have hypersensitive sensory perceptions. The inability to hold information in mind in order to use it later in other tasks is what causes the child to lack central coherence. A lack of cognitive central coherence can easily cause the child to miss the importance of the subtle cues that create meaning in a social context.

How parents can help:

Consider maintaining a diary of your youngster's behavior in order to uncover patterns or triggers. Recurring “bad” behavior may be indicative of a youngster taking some satisfaction in receiving a “desired” response from parents, siblings, peers - and even teachers.

For example, a student on the autism spectrum may come to understand that hurting another student in class will result in his being removed from class (aside from the associated consequence to his peer). The solution may not be most effectively rooted in punishing the youngster for the behavior, or even attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of his injured peer, but by treating the root cause behind the motivation for the misbehavior. In this example, can the youngster be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?

One of the means to achieve this may be to focus on the positive. Praise for good behavior, and reinforcement by way of something such as a Reward Book, can help. Positive verbal cues delivered in a calm tone are likely to elicit more beneficial responses than harsher verbal warnings (which may be effective on kids without an autism spectrum disorder).

When giving directions to stop a type of misbehavior, they should be couched as positives rather than negatives. For example, rather than telling the youngster to stop hitting his brother with the ruler, he should be directed to put the ruler down, and then receive verbal praise for following the parent’s request (e.g., “Thank you for doing as I asked. That’s you being respectful of others”).

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

Tantrums & Meltdowns: Prevention, Intervention & Post-Meltdown Management

Question

I'm so frustrated! My 4 year old son was diagnosed with high-functioning autism last year, and for the year prior to that I was dealing with his overwhelming emotions. Now it seems like even if he's happy, he's too much for me. When he's not happy, he throws things, slams doors, screams, climbs furniture etc. So basically I have the same behaviors no matter how he's feeling. I fear the thought of going out anywhere with him. I have 4 other children, and he has drained everything I have inside me. I just don't know how to cope with him anymore. He is aggressive to the baby… I have to fight with him to change his clothes. I just feel like I've done all I can and now I'm back at square one again without the ability to do it again. Any advice on how to get through to him and calm him some?

Answer

For children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's, tantrums and meltdowns look similar in the behavioral sense, but have different causes (click here for more information on tantrums versus meltdowns). In any event, it's much easier to prevent both of these than it is to manage them once they have erupted.

Here are some tips for preventing these behaviors and some things you can say:

Prevention Methods—

• Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”

• Change environments, thus removing the youngster from the source of the meltdown. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”

• Choose your battles. Teach kids how to make a request without a meltdown and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.”

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

• Create a safe environment that kids can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or classroom so kids can explore safely.

• Distract kids by redirection to another activity when they meltdown over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”

• Do not ask kids to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “It’s suppertime now.”

• Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.

• Give kids control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the youngster can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?”

• Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the youngster’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.

• Keep a sense of humor to divert the youngster’s attention and surprise the youngster out of the meltdown.

• Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if kids are not ready to use them safely.

• Make sure that kids are well rested and fed in situations in which a meltdown is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.”

• Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the youngster’s developmental level so that the youngster does not become frustrated.

• Reward kids for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to meltdowns, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

• Signal kids before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”

• When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the youngster beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”

Intervention Methods—

There are a number of ways to handle a meltdown. Strategies include the following:

• Hold the youngster who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the youngster know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the youngster that everything will be all right, and help the youngster calm down. Moms and dads may need to hug their youngster who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a youngster who may be afraid because he or she lost control.

• If the youngster has escalated the meltdown to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the youngster to time-out. If you are in a public place, carry your youngster outside or to the car. Tell the youngster that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school, warn the youngster up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the youngster refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

• Remain calm and do not argue with the youngster. Before you manage the youngster, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the youngster will make the meltdown worse.

• Talk with the youngster after the youngster has calmed down. When the youngster stops crying, talk about the frustration the youngster has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the youngster new skills to help avoid meltdowns such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the youngster how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.

• Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the youngster’s frustration, this youngster’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the meltdown.

• Try to intervene before the youngster is out of control. Get down at the youngster’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.

• You can ignore the meltdown if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the youngster calms down, give the attention that is desired.

• You can place the youngster in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the youngster goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.

• You can positively distract the youngster by getting the youngster focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Post-Meltdown Management—

• Do not reward the youngster after a meltdown for calming down. Some kids will learn that a meltdown is a good way to get a treat later.

• Explain to the youngster that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.

• Never let the meltdown interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the youngster.

• Never, under any circumstances, give in to a meltdown. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the meltdowns.

• Teach the youngster that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.

More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

PARENTS' COMMENTS:

• Anonymous said… Bossy can be a trait of aspie, I had to take control back of my son instead of him controlling me with his less than manageable behaviour. As our special educator said, bossy boys become bossy men. So it's very important things are done on your terms not his. Lastly, is he sleeping? If not, look into it. My boy was so overtired nothing was ever going to settle until that was sorted. Diagnosis is overwhelming too. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

• Anonymous said… Heavy work activities work well too. Have him help you carry or go up and down the stairs for stuff.

• Anonymous said… I found that my Aspie daughter (when she was young) would act out when she was emotionally overwhelmed. Happy or sad it was too much sensory input for her. I would get her to let me hold her and put my hands over her ears. Don't know why but the closeness and lack of hearing was calming for her emotions. She is 18 now and when she is very upset, she still wants me to hold her ears. Can't hurt to try it?

• Anonymous said… I would look for another diagnosis. My son didn't have anger issues or jealousy issues. We did not coddle him nor did we excuse his behavior. He received the same discipline as his sister. He is 32 now and has two college degrees. I suggest you nip this behavior in the bud. Oh and Aspies do not respond to punitive punishment. You have to use logic. Reasoning and bargaining does not word either.

• Anonymous said… ive looked into essential oils to help my daughter, she is 6 years old, we have been using Doterra 100% pure CPTG oils. Balance, serenity (diffuse in the house and apply to her feet) and ive just bought Intune (rollerball) on really bad days i put a few drops in her bath. we have found they really helped with her sleep and calming her.

• Anonymous said… My little one is having a lot of success with primitive reflex integration therapy. I don't know if this is helpful for all Aspie's, but it is definitely worth looking into. I agree that the 1, 2, 3 Magic was very helpful. I also agree that amount of sleep makes a huge impact. I know my Aspie needs more sleep than her age peers, and it can be challenging to figure out what the best sleep schedule is for any child.

• Anonymous said… My mother always said if I was at my end to cope Just give him love , give him rescue drops or pills and camel mild tea

• Anonymous said… OT for sensory issues will help a ton! He needs lots of physical activity!

• Anonymous said… Setting very clear boundaries, and exiting the situation (grocery store, birthday party, park day) and going home let her know that I was serious.

• Anonymous said… Talk to your pediatrician about autism support. Your state probably has some things in place. Also ask for information about parent support groups and play groups. Find a friend or neighbor who would be willing to take him for an hour or two when you are at your wit's end.

My ASD Child

Search This Blog

Using Key Words and Phrases to Teach New Behaviors to Kids on the Autism Spectrum

How to Prevent Discipline-Related Meltdowns: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Spectrum

Informal Quiz for Parents: Does My Child Have High-Functioning Autism?

Meltdowns and Punishment: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Meltdowns vs. Shutdowns and How Parents Should Respond

Why "Traditional Discipline" Doesn't Work for Many Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Tantrums & Meltdowns: Prevention, Intervention & Post-Meltdown Management

ASD: Difficulty Identifying and Interpreting Emotional Signals in Others