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Kids on the Autism Spectrum: Problems with Board Games

"How do I make my child understand the rules of board games like monopoly? He wants to play it only his way and gets extremely angry if he has to pay a penalty. He does not understand the sets of rules for different games and only wants to win with his own rules."

The child with ASD level 1 or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) may get upset over game rules, sharing, or taking turns. This applies especially when following the rules means that sometimes the child with HFA loses the game! Hence, your son’s insistence on playing with his own rules. He does not understand that others want to win a game sometimes, too. And, even if he does come to understand that, he may not care about their feelings enough to play the game appropriately.

While some children act as “the warden” or keeper of the rules, others find it hard to grasp the give and take of peer relationships, including following rules while playing games with others.

To help your son with this problem, target “fairness” strategies. Step-by-step, teach causes and effects in feelings, behavior, and consequences, along with how following rules and social/emotional reciprocity leads to positive rewards. But of course that is much easier said than done!

Many children on the autism spectrum are more successful in structured situations. Playing games on “neutral turf” in the community often provides the means for structuring activities. For example, a play date at mini-golf has an inherent structure and it will be difficult for your son to change the rules, as other players can say, “Everyone has to follow the rules of the golf course.” Pair him with a friend who understands his difficulty. The friend may be able to help him accept the fact that rules are necessary.


If you son has trouble taking turns, plan some games that are based on just that! For example, in Parcheesi, all players might be given “a point” when they take a turn when they are supposed to and don’t complain when others have a turn. Write the points down in clear view of everyone. At the end of the game, these points are added up. For each 10 points earned, a small reward is given, such as an M&M, a penny, etc. Everyone participates and everyone earns the reward – a bigger amount of reward is earned by the players who are most cooperative at taking turns. Don’t take points away for misbehavior or your son may not get any reward for the times he did behave appropriately!

In the card game War players choose a card, turn it over and the highest card takes both. The person with the most cards at the end wins. This can be a learning experience for your son. Play with only cards 2 through 10 as the face cards may be confusing. In this game, your son may win often enough to prevent him from becoming angry. If not, explain to the players that as well as the highest card taking both, each player who accepts losing a card gracefully will earn a point. Write the points down in clear view of everyone. Give a reward for highest points at the end, as well as one to the winner of the most cards.

Chutes and Ladders is a good game for your son to play as it’s difficult to change the rules. You roll the dice, move, and either climb the ladders or slide down the chutes. Again offer points for gracious acceptance of sliding down a chute. The winner at the end and the one with the most points both should receive a small reward. Parcheesi is another good game that is simple, requires taking turns, and rolling the dice to determine moves. There are no penalties involved to create frustration.

Many children with HFA enjoy computer or hand held, electronic games. With a little research, you can find games that will interest your son. Start with the simplest ones; ones at which he can easily be successful. The penalties and rewards are built in. He won’t be able to change them or the rules. If he gets angry while playing, he’ll have to learn how to move beyond anger to win the game. If he gets physically angry (hits the computer or throws the game, etc.), take it away, but let him try again in a few days.

Over time, he may accept the need for rules when playing. If he plays for a period of time without anger, give him a lot of praise. Since the games can be played at various levels and be restarted if he wishes, he has some control. With these games, he is free to fail without having to deal with another person winning and “lording it over him” which kids often do. Increase the complexity of the games as he matures. Avoid violent games, though.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

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Hailey said...Both my husband and daughter are Aspies. We have discovered Family Pastimes board games. They are cooperative and involve a lot of problem solving. We take turns but we have the same goal. We have two of these games. Our favorite has been Granny's House. We have also played these with NTs and it always goes much better than any other board game.

Anonymous said...I had to stop playing board games with my son for awhile because he would get angry, have attitude and sometimes meltdown if he was losing a game. I find now that he is a little older (11) he seems to be able to manage his behavior a little better. Plus we enrolled him in a local FREINDS group where they teach them some social skills and play ALOT of games with them to help them learn how to win and lose gracefully.

Anonymous said...When my son finally was able to sit long enough to play a board game, one of the first things I taught him was how to be a gracious loser and a gracious winner. At the end of the game, the loser tells the winner, "Nice job!" (or something of the like.)

Anonymous said...We also had to wait it out. My son was not diagnosed till he was 8 1/2 and we were basically working on instinct. We picked out battles and stuck to our guns!! I was pretty firm with the house rules and if we were not having any fun then we weren't going to play. After his diagnosis it was easier for us to understand him and how to manage things, but we still kept up the same rules. He is now 11 and does very well with all sorts of games and sports. He is actually quite the card shark!! He still has his moments, but the difference is such a relief. I no longer feel I have to watch every move while holding my breath waiting for the next blowup! Phew!!!!

Anonymous said...our clinicians just keep having us play the game, our son has shown improvement. It was very unpleasant at first, but we hung in there. Last night the clinician pointed out to him that he was having fun, and he was not winning! It's been over a year of regularly playing games.

Anonymous said...Sometimes I find putting the 'rules' I a concept easier to understand, landing on a hotel is like being in a car park too long so you have to pay extra

 Anonymous said...Start with board games that have a lot less rules. Chutes and Ladders, Parcheesi, Uno...games that our Aspergers children can explain to others, rules and all.

Anonymous said...That's interesting. My aspie son (6 yrs) ever only wants to follow the rules as written, and gets really upset if his 3 year old sister makes up her own rules.

Anonymous said...We got our son to read the rules himself, and explained them to him, only problem ended up with an explosion at someone else if "he" felt someone else wasn't following the rules to the letter.

 Anonymous said...we just kept at it and explained it and kept playing and he made progress and then one day it was like everything clicked and he made a huge leap in progress... I was so surprised but now I know that the perseverance paid off and pays off Anonymous said... We still don't play board games.

Post your comment below…
By

The Cognitive Traits of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Your child on the autism spectrum is very bright in many areas - VERY BRIGHT!




Resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:
By

Do You Think Your Child May Have ASD Level 1 [High-Functioning Autism]? Take This Quiz!

1. Does your child tend to focus on one subject to the exclusion of all others?

Yes - he latches onto one topic of interest and learns everything there is to know about it. He won't even think about something else!

No - he has some favorite topics, but displays a wide range of interests.

2. Does your child have difficulty interacting socially, particularly when it comes to nonverbal communication?

Yes - he/she seems unable to pick up cues in people's body language and vocal inflection.

No - he/she seems to be able to read the mood of a room pretty well, and understands what is and isn't appropriate in a conversation.

3. Does your child vary his or her vocal inflections, volume, or pitch?

No - he/she speaks in a monotone, regardless of the subject or the environment.

Yes - he/she shouts, whispers, laughs, whimpers, and more.

4. Does your child adhere to rigid, repetitive routines when it comes to everyday tasks?

Yes - everything has to be just so, from where we sit for breakfast to her bedtime routines.

No - she is pretty free and easy with her daily routine.

5. How are your child's motor skills developing?

A. He is a little behind other kids his age.

B. He is right where he should be.

6. Does your child understand idiomatic expressions (e.g., slang terms and figures of speech)?

No - she takes everything literally.

Yes - she doesn't know them right away, but she easily learns their meanings.

7. Does your child show an interest in playing with others?

Yes - he/she is always engaging with other kids.

No - sometimes it's as though he/she doesn't realize there are other kids present.

8. How is your child's IQ as compared to peers?




9. How old was your child when you first suspected he or she might have High-Functioning Autism?

A. Three years old or younger.

B. Older than three years.

10. Are there any cases of autism in your family history?

Yes

No

Scoring—

If at least 6 of your answers coincide with the answers below, your youngster may have High-Functioning Autism:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No
4. Yes
5. A.
6. No
7. No
8. A.
9. A.
10. Yes


Resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:
By

Suitable Careers for Young Adults with ASD Level 1

"Are there some careers that people with autism do well in compared to others? My son (high functioning) will graduate from high school next year, and I am feeling a bit concerned about his future. His one and only interest currently is computers."

Because people with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have normal to high intelligence, they often go into some very interesting and lucrative careers when they get older. In many cases, the field they enter is related to one or more of those things they were fixated on as a child. For example, if child on the autism spectrum has a fixation on the weather, he or she can think about a career in meteorology.

Other careers include working in the music industry. People with HFA often develop striking musical abilities and can then work in this field as a later career. 
 
Careers involving engineering, mathematics or science are also common in people with the disorder. This can include becoming an accountant, working in economics or scientific research, working as a university professor or other mathematical or scientific area. Often, the interest in math and science are natural gifts for these individuals, and the transition from avocation to vocation is usually a seamless one.
 

Careers in writing are not uncommon, too. Writing is a solitary task, and often times, the person on the spectrum can learn to use words on a page to create books, articles and other material that overcomes his or her natural need to think in pictures.

Usually, the process of exploring careers needs to be done sooner for people with HFA than with "typical" people. Talking with guidance and career counselors is a good idea in order to explore possible options. Tours of different careers or shadowing a scientist or mathematician may help the "special needs" teenager to get an idea of which type of career would be the best for him/her.

Older teens on the autism spectrum should be doing plenty of reading about careers and jobs specific to those with the disorder. Two older books, Aspergers Syndrome Employment Workbook: An Employment Workbook for Adults with Aspergers Syndrome (paperback) and Employment for Individuals with Aspergers Syndrome and Non-Verbal Learning Disability by Yvona Fast are available at www.amazon.com. There are plenty of ideas as to how to begin searching for an appropriate career in these publications.

There is nothing to limit a young person to just the areas listed above. Many of these individuals have found success in other areas of employment. Pay attention to your son’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as the interests he exhibits. The key idea here is that your son will excel in whatever area he has a strong passion for!
 
As one 23-year-old male with ASD stated:

“Here are the facts:
-I have Asperger Syndrome
-I am a 23-year-old guy
-I am in my last year of grad school doing an internship.
-I had a strong interest in many natural sciences as a younger child.
-I am an Eagle Scout.
-I was frequently bullied by others in middle school.
-I started my first year of college as a biology major.

-----HOWEVER-----

I am NOT a Rocket Scientist and
I am NOT a Zookeeper;
I am a Social Worker.

I don't technically have an established career or license just yet, but I have an internship and I'm getting really close. Since my first year of college I have experienced many emotional changes, and I realized that my place in society is to give direct help to those who cannot help themselves. It is my job in society to prevent young and innocent lives from being lost and destroyed. I have volunteered and worked for several different after-school programs, helping agencies, and day camps. My internship is with a children's mental health consultative services in my home state, and even though so far, it's been emotionally hardcore, I have no intentions of turning back.

My point is there may be some genetics involved in this disorder, and there may be some common patterns, but I really believe that people with Asperger's syndrome and other forms of autism on the high functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum actually CAN do things that many people believe they can't or deliberately don't do. Don't get me wrong, my own family, as well as many close others were shaming me into going back to the science field, and it made me feel very useless, but I simply refused to go back. They have long given up on their quest to get me 'back on track' (so to speak) because they finally came to realize that their resistance and my own deficits together were just no match for my passion.

I'm not advising those out there to enter this field or not enter it, but if you feel passionate about a cause of some kind, there has got to be a way you can fight for it. Though I wouldn't suggest discussing religion in your job, God really does work in mysterious ways. LOL”


==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... As Jon Willis said. His was computers as well and he has done that and managed to build onto it. Go with the flow while building up experience and courage to step out a little bit more. Aspies can do and will achieve. Mary Camp-Autism. Have you read this ?
•    Anonymous said... Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg are a part if an initiative to get high schools to start teaching code, which is something that a lot of aspergers kids really understand! Computers are a great career track for anyone!
•    Anonymous said... Contact the school. Does he have an IEP? If so, they can refer to voc rehab for transitional services. My daughter has ASD. She is very bright but could not cope in some classrooms & has IEP even with A's & B's. Every state has a Voc Rehab. They will be a job coach for him so he can test different jobs or they will offer college support. Both in effort to prepare him for the work force. Its a fed gvt program funnelled down to the states. Ultimately its an effort to rehab folks with disabilities so they can earn a living and not spend life on ssi/ssd

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•    Anonymous said... Have you watched the documentary on John Robinson,?
•    Anonymous said... I am quite sure that there are specialists in this area who assess those with ASD to assist in working out their strengths for this purpose!
•    Anonymous said... I know that is covered in the adult assessment here in Australia. Not sure about other places though. I wish you and your son all the best!!
•    Anonymous said... It has long been suggested that Bill Gates is an aspie. Computers will be enough if he decides to go that route.
•    Anonymous said... I've found that "growing up" is subjective, and often times, over rated. I don't think of it as moving out of my comfort zone, rather extending it into other areas.
•    Anonymous said... Many tech careers, engineering, art for some, a lot of aspie symptoms improve or refine with age and the aspie gifts start-a-shinin'
•    Anonymous said... My husband has Aspergers and he works in IT. He doesn't talk on the phone but in these times of smart phones he can be contacted pretty much anytime anywhere by email. It took him a long time to find a workplace in which he felt comfortable but I think that's the case for many people Aspergers or not!
•    Anonymous said... My husband has finally discovered Library Studies: cataloguing and little human contact!
•    Anonymous said... My son's therapist told me that most kids do better after high school.because they can focus on their interest, not a bunch of stuff they could careless about. Computers arent going away, so I would see about grants and scholarships to an ITT or other tech school for certifications and job position placement.
•    Anonymous said... Nothing wrong with a Career in computing, can command big bucks if you are lucky.
•    Anonymous said... Ps IT is often great for folks with ASD. Almost a perfect fit. Check out on youtube the documentary i watched on discovery on the story about John Robison. It will touch you & inspire you. It's called Ingenious Minds: John E. Robison. I am betting your son is much like him. Your son will be successful just hang in. I was where you are a year ago. My daughter is now in college. She does struggle every day but she is doing it one day at a time. Good luck to you & I hope the info is helpful
•    Anonymous said... Recently (last few years) I found out that I myself have aspergers. Since being diagnosed as a type one diabetic, I've been forcing myself into situations and roles that I find myself initially shying away from our despising the thought of, just to conquer my own psyche. Before being diagnosed with t1D, I had a crippling fear of needles, which as you can imagine I had to overcome quite quickly. This has become the mantra to my life. "You can do what your brain Screams you cannot. You only have to try." I'm now working in a face to face and phone based sales and solution position, and I'm loving it so far. I still occasionally get the old urges to retreat into my computer for solace and familiarity, but the more and more I squash those urges, the easier it becomes to face new challenges everyday. Any job, or role, would suit an ASD fine as a career, but they have to get comfortable with the idea of having challenging situations which trigger the "panic station" response to be overcome. It is possible, but to begin with it's not easy.
•    Anonymous said... The thing is, aspie kids have challenges but are most often quite gifted human beings. Geek chic baby. I think Sheldon on TBBT is wildly popular because he nails it in a lot of endearing ways.
•    Anonymous said... With many Aspergers people it takes longer to what some people would say"grow up" and be mature enough to take on roles away from our comfort zone.
By

How to Deal with the Bullying of Your Child on the Autism Spectrum

"My son with high functioning autism just revealed to me that he has been bullied by one particular peer since the start of the school year. I guess he didn't mentioned it before because he didn't realize until recently that this other student was actually doing something 'wrong' and hurtful (go figure). What would be the best way to address this issue? I don't want him going through an entire school year under this kind of pressure!"

Children with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often exhibit behaviors that are peculiar enough to hold the attention of kids who do not have the best interests of the "special needs" child in mind. Besides simple teasing, bullying of young people on the autism spectrum can happen in situations in which they have little ability to protect themselves.

Fortunately, if such bullying happens in school, it can be managed more easily (provided your son divulges that it is going on). Most schools are cracking down on bullying and are treating such behavior as assault and punishable by legal means. You have every right to speak with the principal, teacher or counselor in order to ask their help in controlling the bully. Some schools have behavioral support staff whose job is to get to the bottom of behavior issues and crack down on bullies.

In the meantime, teach your son to walk away from the bully, preferably before the bully gets started with another round of abuse. Help him learn to recognize those situations that may lead to bullying (e.g., after school, on the playground, during lunch, etc.), and teach him to be more vigilant and stay near adults in such circumstances.

Sometimes, just having another friend around may reduce the incidence of bullying. If your son has problems making friends on his own, facilitate friendships with mature, understanding kids who can both be a friend to your son and can help out if bullies try to tease or hurt him. Facilitating friendships may mean inviting a child over for a meal or for some games or television. It may mean taking the two of them to a movie or on a shopping trip.

Bullies are a fact of life for many (if not most) children with HFA. The more you can do as a parent to intervene with the help of other adults (and other students), and the more you can teach your son methods of self-preservation that don’t include fighting back, the better able he can be in dealing with this difficult situation.



 
PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... A lot of times the "bullies" are just regular kids that are reacting in the usual ways to the ASD reactions to being overstimulated & overcrowded. For example - Z tends to touch/bother the kid in front of her when in line, so the teacher always moves her to the front. The other kids think that's not fair, so at lunch and recess they make a point not to allow Z to play with them, and they say hurtful things to Z.  Z repeats over and over that she likes cats, and says peanut butter at the most random/inappropriate times. This makes other children uncomfortable around her. The class clown makes the other kids laugh by making snide comments about Z. Laughter helps make them feel more comfortable, even if it comes at the expense of the one they laugh at. In a wholly NT society, the group shunning of such behavior would make the child doing it stop and think about how doing things differently and being called "teacher's pet" is a bad way and they would most likely stop and conform to the norm. But for an ASD child this is extremely difficult to grasp, and not only that, it is completely wrong to expect an ASD child to "act normal". Teachers can try to combat this by educating the children about the child's condition, but it is hard for them to understand (and teachers themselves barely understand half the time) and it is tiring, takes up a ton of time, and they get extremely frustrated with Z because she is a distraction more often than not. It's not Z's fault she's a distraction, she is simply reacting to the pressure of being in a classroom with florescent lights, 20+ children all talking/moving at once, and the torture of having to sit still in one place for too long. The way the school handled our situation was to put her in a smaller class with other kids with behavioral issues, i.e., the Alternative School. The social stigma surrounding going to the Alternative School means that neighborhood kids who used to play with Z now will not, because their mommies and daddies say that only bad kids go to the Alternative School. So the shunning goes on and on and on. At least at the Alternative School, there are fewer kids in the classroom (7 children instead of 20+). She gets more one on one time with the teacher and has a chance to actually learn.
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely NOT too late. A lot of times Aspies dont realize it is bullying because they are so used to not fitting in..
•    Anonymous said... I fear this happens more than we know.
•    Anonymous said... It took two years before I realised how bad the bullying was at my daughter's first school. Not until she was suicidal at 9 years old. the school denied the problem, telling me she was making it up. So much bullying goes under a teacher's notice. I now home school, after three schools and a constant attack on her self-worth and the stress of coping with crowds and noise and lack of proper support. For the first time she is now making friends and keeping them, feeling safe around teens now she is not having to deal with them full time.
•    Anonymous said... It's never too late
•    Anonymous said... it's never too late to mention this to the teachers... and help the other child realize he is wrong with his behavior too!
•    Anonymous said... my daughter has had probelms at school with one girl who also has her own probelms as she is in care this girl is alot older and has so far laughed at my child who has aspergers , locked her in a room , pulled a chair from under her so she hurt herself , my child has always forgiven her as she wants to be friends and be part of the group , last week though this girl bent her hands back and really hurt her , she has been excluded now and as she leaves school this year , the school only allowing the girl in when her personal tutor in , and only half days, since she been gone my daughter has really been happy , and is fitting in with the other kids in her small inclusion group , and all her tics have gone as shes not got the anxiety from the last few months with this girl, i would confront the teacher and talk it though good luck x
•    Anonymous said... Never too late. My eldest has just been on a camp and my husband went as well and a few of girls from my son's class mentioned that there are a couple of kids giving my youngest a hard time. He has not told us nor has he reacted. Told his teacher when I took him to school Thursday as my son told me 1 child which was no surprise and by that afternoon it had been dealt with and his teacher is going to ask the girls who else is doing it so they can be dealt with. I am very lucky at the school we are at as there are a lot of kids, mainly girls who watch out and report bullying of my 2 boys when they see it, and school do something without having to catch the bullies in the act. Our last school we had issues for 2 years and always got the excuse we have to catch them at it, it was verbal so very hard to catch, we took our kids out of that school.
•    Anonymous said... That is very true! Or they get so used to being bullied that they assume everyone is doing it and they give up!
•    Anonymous said... This sounds so familiar and terrible. I don't understand how children can be so cruel, but mostly I don't understand how schools that say that understand and want to help don't really do anything proactive. And the understanding they give lasts for one incident only. My boy is in yr 8 and has been strangled, beaten up and held down by 3 boys, dragged along the ground. And so many other little tormenting things in he class room. He's been suspended 4 times since starting high school because there view is if my boy were able to take no for an answer and not try to interact with others they wouldn't resort to hurting him to get their point across. So in part they feel he's responsible for the kids hurting him so he gets suspended. Go figure!!!!

More comments below…

By

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for August, 2018]

Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi,
My husband, 75, is a highly accomplished professional, but in the
 last year or so has started manifesting Asperger-like behavior.  Now everything I say he takes literally.  He seems not to be able to connect one idea to another, has become more combative in his speech (he almost immediately screams when I say certain things).

He may have had some of the attributes before, which I did not read correctly, but now it is worse.

The question is, can someone who has not exhibited such obvious mannerisms before, get progressively worse as they age?  Or am I dealing with a totally different issue.

Thanks for any ideas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your books and audio have given me a sigh of relief. I have honestly thought I was going crazy!  You have helped me understand exactly what is going on in my marriage and with my husband. Your books and audio have helped me disengage emotionally from what my husband does. I now understand he doesn’t mean to hurt or offend. And I’m also been given some tools with how to talk to him and relate to him. Yea!! And thank you!

I am 58 and have known for about 4 years my husband has Aspergers. I’ve suspected for longer. We have been married 38 years. He has had a pornography problem since he was 14.  That I didn’t know about when we married. For me it just adds another layer to the difficulty of this relationship. 3 weeks ago I asked my husband to leave. Because he can’t get the pornography under control. But also because he has no desire to understand the aspergers and repair the breach. Suddenly he is highly motivated!!!  My question is, how do I understand the addiction in context with the aspergers?  Unfortunately this is something I take very personally and it hurts me and our intimate life immensely. To me this is a moral issue. But I would love your input as to how this relates to Aspergers. If it does at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning,
I recently read an article stating Autistic kids often have hypothyroidism. My 15 year old daughter with Asperger’s syndrome was diagnosed with hypothyroidism due to Hashimoto’s disease several years ago and placed on a very low dose of medication. But lately her endocrinologist seems reluctant to optimally treat the problem with meds (Armour). As a person with the same condition I know she is under medicated. As a result her grades have dropped, and she is displaying behaviors such as “cutting” herself. Do you have any articles or information I can present to her doctor to encourage a more aggressive treatment of the hypothyroidism. And second, can you give me some insight into how to address or understand the cutting behavior. I am terrified she is going to end up cutting her wrists. I am attempting to get her Counselling but my ex husband is currently blocking it, so I working on a court order to get her help. But this takes time
Thanking you in advance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter married who I believe to be a high functioning artistic. He is now 52 and they have been married 24 years. She was the perfect choice for him as she believes everyone does their best and when he sits in front of his computer the majority of the day while she cooks cleans washes and supports him although he has a degree in architecture and one in archeology. He has never been able to hold a job. He talks without acknowledging input of others and is an expert on anything you might mention. He joined the air force when he couldn’t get hired anywhere else and was sent to North Dakota. She, with a masters in business could find a job in Minot a d also joined the air force. He didn’t make captain and was kicked out and she is now retired as a Lt Colonel. He joined the Air Force reserves and worked 3 days a month and is now retired as a Lt Colonel.
I feel he has ruined her life, that because of his personality or lack of a normal personality she has been denied friends and normal relationships. I hate him. He told her the reason I don’t like him is because I hate men. I believe he knows what he is and uses her in every way he can. I believe him incapable of real love. He cannot watch emotional movies or movies with conflict.
The only thing he is not an expert on is HFA and would never see any relation to him and HFA.
Is there any help for my wonderful daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a grown son (mid 40's) who was never properly diagnosed as a young boy, due to lack of knowledge and mis-diagnoses in the 1970's.

He has isolated himself and lives abroad (London).  Considering the severity of his emotional distress he has done remarkably well in employment, but recent reports of his anger and his irrational behavior have me deeply concerned.  He has not talked to me for many years (over 20) because of my divorce from his father and my need to protect his younger sister from his outbursts. (In late 1980's,  I needed to get an Order of Protection from the court since he would come to the house when I was working and terrorize his sister.  That worked in that the outbursts stopped but you can imagine the fear and rage that it caused him. 

My daughter is grown with two little girls of her own and she wants nothing to do with him for the obvious reasons.  He rages at her as well, saying really unspeakable things when he contacts her via texts or email.  She has let him see her daughters with strong supervision but now says she will no longer accept him in her home.

He does have intermittent contact with his father but recently that has ended due to a major melt-down.

I live in north west NJ and enjoy a full and active life.  I will admit to being glad to not having any contact with him since he's irrational in his anger and outbursts, but I think and worry about him constantly.

I am seeking a group and/or assistance in handling my own guilt over this matter.  I do not wish to set off another panic or rage attack by him.  There is no doubt in my mind that it  would occur if I tried to contact him.  My daughter has begged me not to since it will only exacerbate the situation, and I know she's right. Needless to say, I want to make sure he gets support where he is if at all possible.  Unless he comes to a "separate peace", I cannot see this going on or ending well.

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Mark, you seem to be the person we are finding who has the most knowledge about dealing with adults with either Asperger's or NVLD.  Next week, my husband and I will be in Louisville for my aunt's 100th birthday .  If you have any cancellations on Monday, July 30 or Tuesday July 31, we would welcome the opportunity to drive to meet with you.  Again, thank you very much for any help you can give. Meanwhile, we are learning a great deal by reading your articles.

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Dear Mark,

Following the reading of your book "Living with an Asperger Partner" and the complementary audio/video, I would kindly like to ask you please for your advice concerning a topic which I haven't found explained in detail: How to teach/explain to Asperger partner not to lie?

I have an Asperger partner, man 49 years old, for about a year. He is wonderful in many aspects but I have discovered recently he is actually a lier, esp. in unpleasant situations. Apparently he has learnt in life that lying makes life easier and helps to avoid problems/blaming/complications etc. I am afraid that raising this very sensitive issue (his "survival" technique) will make him angry, hysterical and depressed as several other topics which I tried very kindly, gently and peacefully to discuss with him.
How can I trust him if I know he is a very skillfull lier?

Thank you very much in advance, Mark, for your kind help and advice if possible. I would be very grateful to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi there. My child is 13 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. I am still trying to process this and looking for a fresh approach to the behavioral challenges we have faced for many years unsuccessfully. He needs constant reteaching of daily living, health and hygiene and social skills. He argues and ignores and sasses and gets angry and frustrated often. Which program should I start with? Are the suggestions and content similar in each program or do you have specific things offered in each? I am kind of overwhelmed where we are with the challenges we are facing and looking for peace and and looking forward to something that can help get us on the right track to reduce the conflict and stress in our family life. I have 2 young ones to care for as well so I don’t have a lot of reading time so audio would be most beneficial and I’d like to know which program will give us the best approach to start off with to tame the arguing and attitude so we can get on the same page to work together to start making progress with a fresh approach since we now have a direction to head knowing his diagnosis of Aspergers. Thanks for your help!

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I follow your Facebook feed and wanted to post a general question/advice, but thought I’d reach out to you first. We have a 16 year old daughter that we sent away in December. She tends to be a follower and boy obsessed. She was expelled from school for skipping all the time for a boy (whom they ultimately broke up)
Sent her to another school, was suspended and I was called in all that time for skipping, smoking and vaping on campus. We found alcohol, she would sneak out and vape all the time. We sent her away for 6 months to what we were in hopes of was to pull her head out and refocus.

She was a 3.8 and when she was expelled a 1.7 Gpa. She went to school online while away and back up to almost a 4.0, got a job and we thought making great progress. She came home July 1st, but her boyfriend who also on a poor track is still here. He’s like eeyore with no goals, poor academically, etc.. she quit taking her online classes, and has now decided to not go to college (and was doing concurrent enrollment) has 2 med term certs and is gifted in those aspects. But has decided to put her life on hold for a boy with no drive. She’s sneaking out, I’ve found alcohol again, and vapes. And she has developed a piss poor attitude once again.

We’re not sure what to do at this point. I even left a message for the bf mother for a meeting.

Do we relocate her again for another 6 months? We’re at a loss, and she has younger siblings, so we’re trying not to affect them with all of this either.

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I have lived with my daughter and knew what was going on with her and made accommodations for her for the last 35 years. Her dad passed away when she was 13 years old. Without being too length-- I am writing to see if you have any data on whether an Asperger's High Functioning adult with a Master's Degree from college, can live alone and raise two low-functioning autistic children? She actually has 3 children. Her 9 year old is with her first husband and she is high functioning, if on the spectrum at all. The others are ages 3 and 4, and one is hypotonic and the other is hypertonic...meaning basically, they are AUTISTIC and they are NON-VERBAL and one is unable to walk at all.  My 35 year old daughter only has custody of the 2 younger ones due to domestic violence, their father has a restraining order from coming near my daughter. He is missing in action as far as support of any kind. Once I got her back from a Texas hospital, I moved her and one child in with me. She was pregnant with the last baby but we didn't know it until she was tested at the hospital. I put a security system in my home. We have sought out the BEST early intervention therapy for the little boy with hypotonia since his birth. He communicates with an iPad I purchased 3 years ago and attend The Little Lighthouse School in Tulsa, Oklahoma. 

I am searching high and low for how to help my 35 year old daughter move out on her own with these children. Please tell me you have worked with such cases and you can help by providing a book title or some name of a group that assists mothers in the raising of their children. Since you understand high functioning individuals, you already know what kinds of issues I am dealing with in getting assistance for her and the children. She has been "fixed" so there will be no more children, thank God, but my daughter has little ability to choose a good mate, and has been alone for almost 3 years. I am not trying to get her "fixed up with a husband" to take care of them, but I would like to find help for her with daily life skills and budgeting and a group home is not the answer. She cares for the children fine out of my home where I oversee and make connections and recommendations for her. But I won't live forever, and I would like to try to find some type of assistance for her future.

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Hi Mark

I’m in Australia and have purchased some of your ebooks such as “launching adult children” which was very helpful and explained a lot of things about my daughter’s inability to transition to college life despite her being a very high academic achiever.

She has only recently received a preliminary diagnosis of Aspergers from a clinic in Brisbane (Tony Attwood’s clinic). There were many problems during her high school years but I did not pick up on it.

I had to put her on antidepressants earlier this year to cope with anxiety and depression and this has helped enormously. However the antidepressants do not remove AS, unfortunately.

She is still having great difficulty socialising and making friends even though this is something she desperately wants. Last night I got a typical message from her about her ongoing struggle. I am at a complete loss as to how to help her. I cannot do the socialising for her. Her message and my response is attached.

I try to “coach” her and keep the messages positive because she tends to jump to false conclusions about other’s intentions (poor theory of mind). I also think she has difficulty reading body language and picking up subtle clues/messages.

As you can see from the time of the messages, she has poor sleep patterns and often wakes me in the middle of the night asking for help.

I’m really not sure how to handle this. 

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your help.

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Hi Mark

I have watched all of the videos in Lesson 1

I admit I have been an over indulgent parent in some ways

it started at the end of 13 into 14 now at 15 his behavior is out of control

I would ask him something simple like unload the dishwasher or pick up your clothes off the floor

he would ignore it if I asked him again to do something he didn't want to do he would get on his bike sometimes even at midnight and then leave

it really started getting crazy at 14 when he was smoking weed everyday

now since June 1st he has run away and stayed at people houses I don't know where he is at for weeks at a time

and he smokes weed at least 20 times a day

when I tell him not to smoke weed in the house he just laughs at me

then I tell him I will have to call the police on him he laughs at me and gets on his bike and rides away

he goes to his dad's house where his dad gives him whatever he wants unlimited marijuana  food and money

he has no responsibilities at all
his dad picks up his dishes does all the chores does his laundry and freely smokes weed with him

my son has only come to my house a few times since June 1st

I told him he can't smoke weed at my house and can't bring in weed paraphernalia like pipes bongs rolling papers  etc

he said fine he will never see me again

he was on the swim team now he says he doesn't care

he says he doesn't care about anything except smoking weed

his dad hates me so much that he is willing to destroy his own son just to get even with me

his dad said these exact words

he dad loves it that they smoke weed together all day long and that he has dropped out of swim team and basketball and doesn't care about school

it is his way of hurting me

the dad knows it breaks my heart to see my son going down the drain

I have call the police they said at most the dad will get a misdemeanor ticket for giving him weed and will not go to jail at all

I called CPS they said since he is 15 they won't get involved

it would be my word against the dad's

my son says he loves weed and will never stop

he says he doesn't need anything from me food money clothes etc he says he doesn't care
as long as he has marijuana

he will most likely not do good in school if he keeps smoking so much weed he says he doesn't care about anything except more marijuana

he told me now sometimes he even sells it to kids he knows

what can I do?

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Hi Marc,
I am not sure if you have openings now or are still doing Skype sessions with new clients with AS, but I am an AS adult looking for a therapist that has experience dealing with challenges specific to being on the spectrum. I am 35 and was diagnosed last year by a therapist in the Cleveland, OH
area who is one of the very few people that has expertise dealing with ASD in my region. He mostly deals with children, and it became apparent that he was less equipped to deal with some of main issues I had been dealing with. I saw another therapist that specialized in ASD cases and while that was more productive he moved away. I have tried working with another therapist since but he has been unhelpful. 

I have been married for 4 years, but my marriage has been disintegrating over the last year and is about to hits its limit. There are a variety of issues, but in the time we might have I would like to focus on one thing: I would like a skills-based approach to becoming better at including the feelings of others when I act. With my previous therapist I worked mostly on empathy issues, but while I feel differently now to my wife not very much has changed. I still seem as oblivious or selfish as I always have to her.  While I know I have much more work to do I think it would help her as much me to have a therapist that is working on concrete skills with me week  to week.  I hope that is something you may be able to help me with.

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Dear Mr. Hutten,

I have a son who is 21.  He just graduated from college.  He is a really bright kid and a very decent human being.  My wife and I spoke to him about going out to look for work (he studied computer science, but he is really a self taught graphic artist and spends all day on the computer or on video games).  He explained that he has every intention of doing so, but that he feels he needs some kind of medication to keep his mind stay focused and to control anxiety.  He has been diligently trying to self diagnose and feels that he has ADHD of some kind.  I asked him how he managed to make it through school with no problems and has a degree from such a reputable college.  He explained in detail how he learned to cope with how his mind works and managed to play against his strengths, but that often times he felt overwhelmed or mentally exhausted in school. He is sincere about wanting to get help because he's looked up insurance info and has been trying to find a psychiatrist or some place that accepts our insurance to get a proper evaluation. 

Do you have any suggestions as to where we could start or suggestions for me as his dad as far as not doing too much for him.  I tend to be the nurturing type while his mom doesn't believe there's anything wrong with him and he just needs to get going.  I noticed your book on your website and figured it might be helpful even if my son my have a different diagnosis.  What do you think?

Thanks for taking the time to read this email.  I'm sure you are extremely busy.  If you have the time to offer any suggestion, it would be deeply appreciated. 

I wish you God's continued blessing and strength in the noble work that you do.

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A little background about myself: I am male, 55yrs old and married to Brook for 23 yrs. We have 2 lovely children; Ryan who is 23yr old and Sara who is 20yr old. We live in Melbourne, Australia and it was Brook's suggestion that I may show signs of Asperger Syndrom.
About over a year and a half ago I hit a point where I was not able to express my feelings and views clearly anymore and started retreating into myself. About 7 months ago we amicably decided that it was best for me to move out of the family home and since then we've been on a rocky road together to heal our relationship.
It has pained me a lot to see Brook suffer from bouts of depression due to this situation and I am willing to do anything to sort this out; for her and our beautiful children's sake.
I love Brook & the children more than words can describe but it's the words to her and my children that are evading me.

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I been reading and listening to your channel.
What do you do when your husband is blind to your sons disability? And has been the past ten years ? I did get the help he needed in school when he was in elementary school.resource room and some therapy in school to help with his need to rush through his work .My son was a emergency c- section. and unfortunately the doctor waited to long to deliver and compromised both our health. I was treated for high blood pressure during the waitting time and became toxic. Therefore we were very sick he was sitting in meconium for to long I believe
How can I get the recorded of my child birth with him ? It was about 18 years ago.
It may sound crazy that I world inquire now but it's cause I feel he has HFA / learning disability
He had an iep in School and I tried my best
I just know he acts mature then he regresses
He was diagnosed with ADD / OCD.
I was treating him when meds 5 years ago
Then he spoke to us and asked if it was ok for him to try without the meds.and he really did the same with or without medication.
He was very sensitive to the medication.
I'm reacinhg out to you because I want my son to be independent. I also have a 16 year old who I believe has asspergeres but is diagnosed with
OCD/ Anxiety and depression. The both been in therapy and was never diagnosed with
HFA or Asspergeres? Why if it all seem to be on a spectrum?   I thank you for your videos they have helped me to the conclusion this may be what the correct diagnosis is.  I am highly sensitive person.  I have been diagnosed with bipolar depression at a very late age 47.
I do have anxiety as well plus OCD, My husband
has the same condition as my older son
But never been diagnosed with anything
He has been to the doctor for medical issues like anxiety and panic attacks he is a aero space enginer. And only sees black and white no greys.
So with my own issues I have my hands full
A huband that is blind to his son's issues and both my kids believe therapy is a waste of time .
Please help with some advise. I need to stay strong for my family.
I am sorry for this letter that is all over the place
Thank you in advance for reading this

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Hello there,

I am doing some research for a mental health & illness editorial project I'm contributing to, and I discovered a page of your website ( http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2013/09/) that mentioned ADHD. I'm just trying to get a grasp the different vantage points of the topic to help me write useful content about ADHD.

That said, I have two quick questions:

1) Might you be OK if I possibly link to and/or mention your website from this mental health project? Simply put, the project is focused on providing free online content to people about mental health/illness and related topics. (there are no fees/costs involved, and your content would never be copied)

2) The project I'm working on is with a leader in the mental health industry, and I know they're always looking to work with websites like yours; often contributing funds to organizations and website owners to list their free mental health resource in related content and/or providing unique content to be published online. Do you mind if I forward this email conversation to my contact at the company so they can follow up with you directly?
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Can High-Functioning Autism Be Inherited?

"Can autism (high functioning) be inherited? Our daughter was recently diagnosed, and now I'm thinking my husband may have the condition as well, they seem to have certain characteristics in common."

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) is a neurobiological disorder in which known areas of the brain are affected in ways researchers do not yet fully understand. HFA is considered to be inherited in a complex fashion (more complicated than disorders like color-blindness or Huntington’s disease).

The recurrence rate for the disorder in siblings of affected children is approximately 2% to 8% (much higher than the rate in the general population, but much lower than in single-gene diseases).

One study looked at extensive data in order to study some risk factors of autism (e.g., place of birth, parental place of birth, parental age, family history of psychiatric disorders, and paternal identity). Prevalence of autism among siblings of kids with Asperger’s was found to be 1.04%. The study found that (a) the risk of autism was associated with increasing paternal, but not maternal, age; and (b) the risk was twice as high if the mother had been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. 
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Another study showed a positive correlation between repetitive behaviors in autistic children and obsessive-compulsive behaviors in parents.

Yet another study examined the family psychiatric history of 58 subjects with Asperger’s diagnosed according to DSM criteria. Three (5%) had first-degree relatives with Asperger’s; thirty-five (60%) had a family history of depression; and out of 64 siblings, 4 (6.25%) were diagnosed with Asperger’s.

As one mother (and wife) stated, “My husband was only diagnosed after our daughter. ‘It’s so common’, our psychologist told us. We now think his brother and sister are on the autism spectrum too. All are so alike. It answers so many questions. Our psychologist thinks it goes back at least 5 generations from family history, and we agree.”





Scientists are getting closer to finding a genetic basis behind autism spectrum disorders. Rett’s syndrome is an autistic disorder for which the exact genetic cause is believed to have been found. In HFA, studies suggest problems in several chromosomal (genetic) regions, including areas on the chromosomes 2q, 7q and 15q. While the 7q region is considered the most promising area of study, research studies involving this chromosome in HFA have failed to observe its linkage to this region.

For reasons physicians do not know, there are far more boys "diagnosed" than girls (although there may be as many girls with HFA as boys, males get diagnosed with the disorder more often). Researchers have evaluated whether or not HFA represents an X-linked genetic disorder (i.e., one passed down generally from a mother to a son). Unfortunately, there have been cases of father to son transmission of the disorder, which means that the disease can't be X-linked.

In at least one case, two parents with HFA had a child that also had HFA, but did not have a severe case of the disorder, nor did the child have autism. In another case, identical twins both had HFA, but this is not always the case.

While some researchers support the idea that at least a portion of HFA isn’t genetic at all, there have been no specific findings associating the disorder with any environmental condition, including a lack of association of the disease with pregnancy characteristics and pregnancy complications.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
 
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ASD: Difficulty Identifying and Interpreting Emotional Signals in Others

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects an individual's ability to communicate, interact w...