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Conduct Disorder in Children with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

"My 12 year old son is diagnosed with high functioning autism and conduct disorder (also the suspicion of ADHD). Any other parents out there with this combination in their child? Any advice for us? This has been a very difficult road - with no end in sight. My husband and I are feeling both the physical and mental effects of the stress we have to endure on a daily basis. We are desperate at this point."

Although several studies have suggested an association between violent crime and High-Functioning Autism, few have examined the underlying reasons. All kids display oppositional or aggressive behavior from time to time, especially when they are upset, tired, or hungry. Oppositional behavior (e.g., arguing, lying, and disobeying) is a normal part of development for kids and  teenagers. When this behavior is frequent or excessive, affects the youngster’s home or school life, or violates the rights of others, a conduct disorder may be present.

Conduct disorder (CD) is the most severe psychiatric disorder in childhood, and occurs more frequently in boys than in girls. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the disorder affects an estimated 1-4 percent of teenagers between the ages of 9 and 17 years. Young people with this disorder repeatedly violate the rights of others, and display aggressive, destructive, and deceitful behavior. Identifying the signs and symptoms of CD, and beginning treatment as early in life as possible, is essential in order to prevent the disorder and prognosis from worsening.

==> Parenting System That Stops Meltdowns and Tantrums Before They Start

What is conduct disorder?

Children with CD repeatedly violate the personal or property rights of others and the basic expectations of society. A diagnosis of CD is likely when symptoms continue for 6 months or longer. CD is known as a "disruptive behavior disorder" because of its impact on kids and their families, neighbors, and schools.

Another disruptive behavior disorder, called Oppositional Defiant Disorder ODD), may be a precursor of CD. A youngster is diagnosed with ODD when he or she shows signs of being hostile and defiant for at least 6 months. ODD may start as early as the preschool years, while CD generally appears when kids are older. OCD and CD are not co-occurring conditions.




The Best Way To Help Oppositional Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

 

What are the signs of conduct disorder?

Symptoms of conduct disorder include:
  • Aggressive behavior that harms or threatens other people or animals
  • Destructive behavior that damages or destroys property
  • Early tobacco, alcohol, and substance use and abuse
  • Lying or theft
  • Precocious sexual activity
  • Truancy or other serious violations of rules

Those with CD or ODD also may experience:
  • Academic difficulties
  • Difficulty staying in adoptive, foster, or group homes
  • Higher rates of depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and suicide
  • Higher rates of injuries, school expulsions, and problems with the law
  • Poor relationships with peers or adults
  • Sexually transmitted diseases

How common is conduct disorder?

Conduct disorder affects 1 to 4 percent of 9- to 17-year-olds, depending on exactly how the disorder is defined (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services). The disorder appears to be more common in boys than in girls and more common in cities than in rural areas.

Who is at risk for conduct disorder?

Research shows that some cases of CD begin in early childhood, often by the preschool years. In fact, some infants who are especially "fussy" appear to be at risk for developing CD.  

Other factors that may make a youngster more likely to develop CD include:
  • Abuse or violence
  • Crowding
  • Early institutionalization
  • Early maternal rejection
  • Family neglect
  • Large family size
  • Parental marital discord
  • Parental mental illness
  • Poverty
  • Separation from parents, without an adequate alternative caregiver

What help is available for families?

Although CD is one of the most difficult behavior disorders to treat, young people often benefit from a range of services that include:
  • Community-based services that focus on the young person within the context of family and community influence
  • Family therapy
  • Training for parents on how to handle problematic behavior
  • Training in problem-solving skills for kids and teens on the autism spectrum


Some child and teenager behaviors are hard to change after they have become ingrained. Therefore, the earlier the CD is identified and treated, the better the chance for success. Most High-Functioning Autistic and Asperger's children/teens with CD are probably reacting to events and situations in their lives. Some recent studies have focused on promising ways to prevent CD among "at-risk" kids on the autism spectrum. In addition, more research is needed to determine if biology is a factor in CD.

Parents or other caregivers who notice signs of CD or ODD in a youngster or teenager should:
  • Find family network organizations.
  • Get accurate information from libraries, hotlines, or other sources.
  • If necessary, talk with a mental health or social services professional, such as a teacher, counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist specializing in childhood and teenager disorders.
  • Pay careful attention to the signs, try to understand the underlying reasons, and then try to improve the situation.
  • Talk to other families in their communities.

People who are not satisfied with the mental health services they receive should discuss their concerns with their provider, ask for more information, and/or seek help from other sources.


4 Crucial Mistakes in Dealing with Oppositional Behavior:



How to Identify Conduct Disorder in Your High-Functioning Autistic or Asperger's Child—

Step 1—Learn about the risk factors for developing CD (e.g., having a parent with a mood disorder, ADHD, substance abuse disorder, or CD). A history of abuse or neglect, exposure to violence, inconsistent or excessively harsh discipline, poverty, and overcrowded living conditions are other risk factors for CD.

Step 2—Take note of any aggressive behavior (e.g., bullying, threatening, or intimidating others). Autistic kids with CD often initiate both verbal and physical fights, and have a history of violence and cruelty toward people and animals. More serious signs of aggressive behavior include the use of weapons and a history of sexual assault.

Step 3—Consider whether prior destructive acts were intentional or unintentional. While all kids have the potential to damage property due to carelessness or reckless play, kids with CD deliberately cause damage to the property of others.

Step 4—Watch carefully for other signs of CD (e.g., lying, theft, truancy, substance abuse, serious rule violations, and precocious sexual activity). High-Functioning Autistic and Asperger's kids with this disorder may also experience symptoms of depression, have poor relationships with family members and peers, and experience significant academic difficulties.

Step 5—Speak with your youngster’s teacher to get her opinion, and discuss your youngster’s symptoms with a mental health professional who specializes in disorders of childhood. Read all you can about the symptoms of CD so that you are better able to identify the symptoms in your youngster.


==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… 13 yr old with aspergers and adhd
•    Anonymous said… Having answers doesnt change your little fellows . He is the se boy . Find all the good traites to his syndrome and concentrate on intervention. I have a beautiful 8 yrs old boy and the stress i felt has lessoned as i can now get help . All the best.
•    Anonymous said… I feel your pain we have a 10 year old adopted daughter that we are lost with
•    Anonymous said… I'm there with you--my 10 year old son-who isn't CD but ADHD- is like a light switch--just a flip of the switch and he's like a different child--angry, 'mouthy', etc. But, like the light switch, can switch right back and be the calm, pleasant boy we know.
•    Anonymous said… It is a difficult road, but it will get better.
•    Anonymous said… It really does get better. Really, it does. I met my stepson 4 years ago and he has come such a long way. I went from having to pretty much follow him everywhere he went to make sure he was safe and not running away to now he can walk to school with the other kids. We still have our moments but they are so much easier to deal with. Consistancy is the key!
•    Anonymous said… Maturity does wonders, but we wouldn't have survived and made it in public school, until he was a junior, without medication. We treated the anxiety of Aspergers and later dealt with the ADD for school goals. He is a white food eater so any food approaches were not available to us. Early on we had many incidences of out of control emotion and frustration....Prozac and Abilify finally stabilized our son. Home school allowed us to remove the ADD meds...he works cooperatively at his pace. He is now 17....and has grown out of his control issues and reactive behavior.
•    Anonymous said… My 13 year old has Asperger's and ADHD, diagnosed when he was 10. Best advice I can give is keep a consistent schedule. Post checklists and schedules everywhere to keep everyone accountable. Limit computer/TV/game system time. We are also in weekly therapy for assistance with coping with anxiety, social groups, and on medication for the anxiety and ADHD, both at very low doses.
•    Anonymous said… My 7 year old daughter has just diagnoised with Adhd and aspergers. It is not easy we are still learning at this stage it is a hard journey and I am sure it is just the start. X
•    Anonymous said… My 8 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at 5 years of age and has had a diagnosis of HFA. After working with Autism for 30 years. His diagnosis was no surprise. Unfortunately there is not a lot of support for our HFA kids. How ever sites like this makes you realise your not on your own. And you can pick up lots of information from parents in the same boat.
•    Anonymous said… My daughter turned 17 in sept, i also found out finally that she has ASD aswel xx we have our ups an downs, but I wouldn't changer her x
•    Anonymous said… My son 15 has exactly same condition. It's been few ups and down, but he is doing very well now. He is in mainstream high school. Message me in here, if you like to chat. It's helps to talk about it. We've been there. This journey will continue forever, however, not all bad
•    Anonymous said… My son has adhd asd language prossesing disorder.spd age 11
•    Anonymous said… My son has been dignosed with a regulatory disorder it where he acts out 7 different disorders which are aspergers adhd add and autism and sensory and other ones but the one he shows the most is aspergers and autism if anybody out there has any tips to get them to listen to you when needed I have tryed many different ways to get him to listen to me
•    Anonymous said… My son is 16. Undiagnosed as yet . Takes forever in UK. He probably has Asperger's. Is very bright. Model pupil at school. At home very uncommunicative. Doesn't eat with the family. Anything that upsets him leads to a retaliation. He has cut electric leads to my radio, thrown my clothes round my room, broken raw eggs including shells into cooked pasta, thrown an egg against granite splash back, poured a bottle of cooking oil down the sink. This morning went down to find he had thrown uncooked mince into the sink and broken off wooden trim in my kitchen. I have sought help by speaking to CAMHS , the mental health dept for kids, but he has refused to go to appointments and when someone came to the house he kicked off when they left. We are quite religious but never ask him to join us in prayer. We call him for meals and I try and make food he likes or stock up on pizza, quiche , cheese pasties....whatever. The trigger yesterday was that I forgot to get quiche. I have been told to talk to him that he has to learn to control his emotions. We all feel upset must learn not to act out our frustrations. My added problem is that my 2 year old has been diagnosed with a very rare muscle condition and needs a great deal of care equivalent to a baby of 6 months. I have 2 other kids aged 14 and 9 who are being squeezed out because of the needs of their siblings. So I try and make special time for them. Communication is the main problem with my eldest.
•    Anonymous said… My son is almost 12 so I've been there. It does get better. We used medication for about 2 years to help him clearly think. We used concerts because it had the least side effects and is out of the system in 12 hours. When we decided to homeschool we stopped the meds and started using essential oils. It is very important to have the same or close to the same routine every day. Don't surprise him with something last minute or it will cause a meltdown. We also did family therapy for a while to help him realize getting so angry was his choice not something we were doing to him. He still has some ego issues and if he feels he is right there is no telling him he is wrong. He totally compares with Sheldon off the big band theory. It does get better just keep you're head up and make sure you let him know when something isn't exceptable.
•    Anonymous said… Need more details! Do you mean following your instructions and directions? Or acknowledging your voice when you are simply trying to gain his focus? What does he do in those situations and what have you tried? Then I can share my insight with you, would love to help. Ty
•    Anonymous said… Pathological demand avoidance , conduct disorder call it what you want .... Life is miserable and tense!
•    Anonymous said… Same. My son is 7, but I hope he doesn't get conduct disorder. He's got some pretty serious angry outbursts.
•    Anonymous said… There is a clear link between aspergers, add, and odd and allergies Still trying to work out what it is
•    Anonymous said… Yes 2 out of 3 of my sons have autism. My 12 yr old has autism, he is verbal and high function. My 11 yr old has Aspergers and ADHD. It also is a daily struggle, but it has been a long road to get to this point. They do talk therapy , IEP'S and medications for anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and inattention. Overall with these interventions, love and support they are progressing daily...but it can be a daily struggle. Feel free to private message me if you would like any advice. Best wishes
•    Anonymous said… I am looking in to the option of homeschooling but many disagree.
•    Anonymous said… I often wonder if there aren’t so many more undiagnosed kids out there judging by the amount of children who are disruptive in certain ways & who also show signs of Aspergers.
•    Anonymous said… It depends. Everyone’s different, but my son works best one on one, full attention... work done on computer / tablet He so smart and knows it, but anxiety issues don’t let him get it all out until comfortable . Of course include times of socialization, time with peers( if you can) my son likes his alone time mostly. Advocate helped.
•    Anonymous said… My son 16 yr ASD ADHD + ODD. Always remember that your child is a complicated combination. Every specialist letter about our son starts with "Ben is a very complex boy..................". When attending therapies or looking for strategies to help your child remember, to consider each condition has an influence on your childs behaviour. Over all what we find with our boy is that the ASD (aspergers) makes him anxious, timid, routine driven and socially awkward at times. The ADHD overides this sometimes, he can be forward, busy, loud and in your face. The ODD makes him reluctant and suspicious to follow instructions blindly, he questions everything and clashes with peers and teachers. But all together he is funny, loving, smart, friendly, helpful, great with younger kids, I could go on and on. But as I said my advice is always keep in mind his multiple conditions because what works for one doesnt work for the other, you have to become a detective and work out what suits your child in particular.
•    Anonymous said… My son had a late diagnosis finally,after all the years of stress, problems at school,ect( too much to list) at12 yrs old. He is 14 now. We still have our days,he’s going into HS but home schooling works best. Getting an advocate was on of the best things we did. And having his 504 plan and IEP /ARD in order is key!!
•    Anonymous said… Not specifically, but I have a child diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (as well as a few other things) and is suspected of being on the spectrum, but they're not comfortable diagnosing, yet. I also have an Aspie who can be rather aggressive and mean and when he was 12, I had to give him more freedom through the day in order to have a calmer, more agreeable child in the home. What helped the first child (ADHD, ODD) was dietary changes. I took her to an integrative medicine doctor and got a full work up, as we'd been told for years that she had no allergies, etc, and I just couldn't believe she would behave those ways unless something was going on in her body. I was correct and we had to put her on a special diet. It's like night and day. She's so much gentler and kinder and cooperative now. Less hostile, less anxious (we also found out she has an anxiety problem, which the dietary changes also helped). Interestingly enough, my Aspie also has dietary issues. They both have bodies that find it hard to detox on a standard American diet, no matter how healthy it is. They need to mostly eat foods in their natural states or as close to it as possible. Ms. ADHD has confirmed methylation issues (possibly MTHFR mutation, but we haven't tested for that, yet...the integrative medicine doctor tested for methylation pathway blockages without needing to do a genetic test). I truly believe that behavioral issues in children are directly related to a biological cause, if we find it. I don't mean simply a different neurological type, but an actual biological cause (usually in the gut, check out info on the gut-brain connection). I hope something I shared helps. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said… One of our biggest struggles is the uneducated people who assume and judge, it’s sad. But my close family members rule!!!!!
•    Anonymous said… What I really want to say is, when my son doesn’t want to go, Cries, gets sick, has anxiety... goes to Nurse, misses class, teachers are not on board ..calls to come get him and it happens all the time. It’s What’s best.. homeschool.
•    Anonymous said… Yes, our son has both. The high functioning ASD proves to be more of a challenge to manage than ADHD. The only advice we have is that both parents doing the same things in terms of management & working together. We find one parent dealing with a problem/meltdown works-not both parents. We take it in turns so we give each other a break. We just take each day as it comes-cos we never know when our son may need extra support. We did buy ear defenders which have worked well for him. Look after yourselves too. And don't beat yourselves up if you get it wrong now & again-this is a constant learning curve & every child is different. Good Luck, but bet you're already doing great xx
•    Anonymous said… Yes. With those same challenges. Private violin lessons , art and Planned one on one with a friend. Also , school counseling, OT, He still has social challenges.  

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By

Social Skills Training for Children with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

This post will provide some crucial guidelines for how parents and educators can teach social skills to children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) at home and in the classroom.

These “special needs” children often have difficulty saying what they mean, planning and controlling what they do, noticing and interpreting facial expression and body language, understanding what someone has told them, and accurately perceiving what other people do, say, or demonstrate.

Fortunately, they have a patient and supportive adult like you. The ideas presented below will show you how to support them as they struggle to show the new behavior, and how to focus on progress rather than perfection.



Social skills are those self-management, problem-solving, peer-relations, decision making, and communication abilities that allow the AS or HFA youngster to initiate and maintain positive social relationships with others. Deficits in social behavior interfere with learning, teaching, and the classroom atmosphere. Social competence is linked to peer-acceptance, teacher-acceptance, inclusion success, and post-school success.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Displaying poor social skills is THE #1 factor involved in the “odd” behavior that gets AS and HFA children rejected and bullied by peers. Young people on the autism spectrum often fail socially because they have difficulty monitoring and controlling their behavior when unexpected situations occur. They may misread social cues given off by others. They may view the positive social interactions of others as threatening. And they may not even notice when a peer rejects, teases, or bullies them.


Why AS and HFA Is Largely a Disorder of Social Skills



Depending on the child’s specific needs, a good “social skills training” program can include any of the following:
  • ability to respond to a given environment in a manner that produces, maintains, and enhances positive interpersonal relations
  • acceptable ways to resolve conflict with others 
  • accepting the consequences of one's behavior
  • approaching others in socially acceptable ways
  • appropriate classroom behavior
  • asking for permission rather than acting
  • attending to task
  • awareness of own and other's feelings
  • being able to predict how others might feel in a situation and understanding that others might not feel as you do
  • better ways to handle frustration and anger 
  • coping with negative feelings
  • counting to 10 before reacting
  • dealing with stress
  • distracting oneself to a pleasurable task
  • following directions
  • handling teasing and taunting
  • how to make and keep friends 
  • learning an internal dialog to cool oneself down and reflect upon the best course of action
  • listening
  • manners and positive interaction with others 
  • positive, non-aggressive choices when faced with conflict
  • seeking attention properly
  • seeking the assistance of the teacher or conflict resolution team
  • sharing toys and materials
  • using words instead of physical contact
  • what to do when you make mistakes
  • work habits and academic survival skills

How to Teach Social Skills to AS and HFA Children—

You will do well to teach social skills just like you teach academics. Assess the level of the AS or HFA child, prepare the materials, introduce the material, model it, have him or her practice it, and provide feedback. If you purchase a social skills curriculum, simply follow the directions in the kit (it should include an assessment device, lessons, and activities). If you're developing your own curriculum and devising lessons, follow the tips below.

How to teach social skills to one specific child:

1. By way of an assessment, select the AS or HFA child who needs training in certain skills.

2. Task analyze the target behavior(s). Task analysis will help to teach complex behaviors by breaking down a task into smaller objectives. Applicable replacement behaviors are usually taught when the student displays inappropriate behavior in specific environments. AS and HFA students respond well in learning new goal behaviors when they're broken down into individual steps.

3. Determine what behavior to modify or replace by observing the AS or HFA student in a variety of situations. Expose the child to a variety of environments to reveal where the behavior occurs most frequently and why he or she feels the need to engage in negative behaviors in that situation. Examples of target behaviors may include:
  • accepting "no" for an answer
  • accepting praise from others
  • accepting responsibility for one's own behavior
  • accepting the consequences administered by the teacher
  • apologizing for wrong doing
  • asking permission
  • asking questions appropriately
  • avoiding fighting with others
  • complimenting others
  • compromising on issues
  • cooperating with peers
  • coping with aggression from other
  • coping with taunts
  • coping with verbal or physical threats
  • dealing better with anger
  • dealing with frustration
  • dealing with losing
  • following directions
  • greeting others 
  • initiating a conversation with others
  • interrupting others appropriately
  • joining a group activity already in progress
  • listening
  • making a mistake in an appropriate manner without yelling or physical aggression
  • making friends
  • respecting the opinions of others
  • saying please and thank you
  • seeking attention in an appropriate manner
  • showing sportsmanship
  • understanding the feelings of others and accepting them as valid
  • waiting one's turn


4. Speak directly with the child to get a better idea of what is important in his or her life and why the behavior is occurring. This can give a lot of insight as to what the child is trying to communicate by using negative behaviors.

5. Determine an appropriate replacement behavior and decide when it should apply. Make clear the focus and purpose of the positive behavior. The behavior should promote acceptable choices in the classroom.

6. Break the appropriate behavior or task down into small and clear objectives. This encourages quicker success instead of teaching the entire task at once. Move on to the next task as the child masters each one.

7. Determine where, and under what conditions, the child should practice the behavior. Specify the expected amount of change before moving on to the next objective. Make sure each objective is measurable.

8. Discuss and model the replacement behavior with the child. Practice the appropriate behavior or smaller objectives of the behavior in the appropriate environment.

9. Use positive reinforcements. AS and HFA students who are learning to apply appropriate behaviors may display the action more frequently if they receive a tangible reward each time they behave appropriately.

Teaching social skills to a group of students:

1. Create groups of 3-5 youngsters with similar skill deficits (smaller groups give the participants a chance to observe others, practice with peers, and receive feedback).

2. Try to meet early in the day so that the participants are attentive and have the whole day to practice what they learn in the lesson.

3. Introduce the program to the participants, and describe why and how it will benefit them.

4. Identify the behaviors that you will reward during lessons (e.g., raising hands when wanting to ask a question, one child speaks at a time, paying attention, etc.). These selected behaviors will need to be taught in the initial lesson.

5. Teach the easy-to-learn skills first to ensure success and reinforcement.

6. Teach to the higher-functioning children in the group first. Have them demonstrate the new behaviors, and then reward them. Have the lower-functioning children demonstrate the behaviors after the leaders do so.

7. Have the child self-monitor and self-assess in order to build internal motivation and control.

8. Have the participants practice through homework assignments, review sessions, and assignments to real life settings.

9. Make sure your lessons are interesting and fun so that the participants look forward to the lessons.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

10. Monitor the child’s behavior outside of the lessons. Keep track of the behavior for IEP documentation.

11. Promote generalization to different settings and circumstances by (a) having the child submit self-report forms for each class period, (b) meeting with the child to discuss performance throughout school or home life, (c) practicing in different settings and under various conditions, and (d) prompting and coaching the child in naturally occurring situations.

12. Recognize and reward proper behavior in everyday school situations.

13. When you see a good situation for a child to display a "new" behavior, prompt its use with cues or hints.

As a side note, remember that AS and HFA children generally display negative behaviors to communicate thoughts or feelings – not because they are purposely trying to be defiant. Also, as with the teaching of academics, begin with the prerequisite skills and then move on to the more advanced ones. Your social skills training program should be comprised of the skills that are most important to classroom etiquette and the AS or HFA child’s social needs.

Lastly, understand that while the teaching of social skills may consume a lot of time during the school day, over the weeks and months ahead, you will likely gain back lost time as the “special needs” child displays more acceptable behavior.

==> More crucial parenting techniques to teach social skills to kids on the spectrum can be found here...


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Examples of Schedules for Kids with ASD Level 1

Question

I have a 5 yr old son who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism and i need help on making a daily schedule or routine that will help us both. i am at a loss. can anyone help me, please. i would love examples of schedules.

Answer

A daily schedule benefits ASD or High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children by providing the structured environment that is critical to their sense of security and mastery. If you spend any time in a kindergarten or elementary school, you will marvel at the teacher's ability to organize the kids' day.

When you understand the nature of attachment in older kids on the autism spectrum, you realize that shared communication and goals replace the attachment patterns of younger ones. The daily schedule communicates the family's shared goals and allows kids to contribute to their accomplishment. Each time the child follows the schedule, he has a small, but cumulative experience of mastery of his environment.



Follow these simple steps to create a daily schedule for your family:

Step 1 - Analyze Your Day—

Do a simple, but consistent time study. The easiest way to do this is to print a daily calendar. Note what each family member is doing at each time of the day. Look for the problem times, and think about how the schedule can be structured to eliminate problems related to behavior, stress, fatigue, hunger, and disorganization.

Step 2 - Brainstorm What You Want—

Less confusion in the morning, homework done by dinner, kids in bed by a certain hour, family play time, relaxation, a clean house - this is the time to think about what you want in your family life. Focus on a balance of activity and rest for your family. Take an honest look at both parents' and kids' needs.

Step 3 - Write It Down—

Get a poster board and a marker, and write it down for all to see. Post it in the kitchen, and tell your Asperger's or HFA youngster that you will now be following it. You're likely to get some opposition, so you'll need to stand firm.

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

Step 4 - Follow the Schedule for a Week—

Check the schedule often, and let it guide your days for at least one week. Instruct the kids to check the schedule and follow it. If you must remind them, do so. But, your goal is for the kids to learn to take responsibility for their part of the schedule.

Step 5 - Tweak the Schedule—

After the first week, take a look at what is working and how the schedule needs changing. Make changes in the schedule, and write it on a new poster. Continue to follow your daily family schedule until it is second nature. In a few weeks, you'll marvel at how this simple tool has changed your family life for the better.

Here is just one of many examples of schedules for children on the spectrum:

EARLY MORNING SCHEDULE—

7:30 - 8:15 a.m. - Jacob and mom prepare for breakfast.

8:15 - 8:45 a.m. - Breakfast and clean-up: As Jacob finishes breakfast, he reads books or listens to music until free play begins.

MORNING SCHEDULE—

8:45 - 9:00 a.m. – Sharing time: Conversation and sharing time; music, movement, or rhythms; finger-plays.

9:00 - 10:00 a.m. - Free play: Jacob selects from one of the interest areas: art, blocks, library corner, table toys, house corner, sand and water.

10:00 - 10:15 a.m. - Clean-up: Jacob puts away toys and materials; as he finishes, he selects a book to read.

10:15 - 10:30 a.m. - Story time (the length of story time should vary with the age of your youngster).

10:30 - 10:50 a.m. - Snack and preparation to go outdoors.

10:50 - 11:45 a.m. - Outdoor play: Jacob selects from climbing activities, wheel toys, balls, hoops, sand and water play, woodworking, gardening, and child-initiated games.

11:45 - 12:00 noon - Quiet time: Jacob selects a book or listen to tapes.

LUNCH AND REST—

12:00 - 12:45 p.m. - Prepare for lunch, eat lunch, clean up: As Jacob finishes lunch, he goes to the bathroom and then read books on his bed in preparation for nap time.

12:45 - 1:00 p.m. - Quiet activity prior to nap: Story, song by parent, quiet music, or story record.

1:00 - 3:00 p.m. - Nap time: As Jacob awakens, he reads books or plays quiet games such as puzzles or lotto on their cots (kids who do not sleep or who awaken early are taken into another room for free play with books, table toys, and other quiet activities).

AFTERNOON SCHEDULE--

3:00 - 3:30 p.m. - Snack and preparation to go outdoors.

3:30 - 4:30 p.m. - Outdoor play: Jacob selects from climbing activities, wheel toys, balls, hoops, sand and water play, woodworking, gardening, and youngster-initiated games.

4:30 - 5:15 p.m. - Free play: Jacob selects from art (activity requiring minimal clean-up time), blocks, house corner, library corner, and table toys.

5:15 - 6:00 p.m. - Clean-up: After snack, mom plans quiet activities such as table toys; songs, finger-plays, or music; stories; and coloring (older kids might help you prepare materials for the next day).

Schedules are particularly helpful in cases where the Asperger's or HFA child is exhibiting oppositional behavior (see video below).





 
Comments:

•    Anonymous said... If he attends school, this will be part of his routine.. Wake up same time in the morning, put clothes on, eat breakfast, brush teeth, comb hair, go to school. After school, you need to get him in an activity so he can be around other kids his age in a "Social" enviroment examples: Gymnastics, T-Ball, Soccer.. When he gets home get a snack, do homework, "playtime" or "Practice", dinner, bath, bedtime.. Life is busy and most can't stay on a such schedules, but let him know several times the day before what activities y'all have for the next day.. Remind in the morning, after school, before bed.. Also remind him of the activites y'all have planned that day, even if it it's going to the store... It is best to try to slowly change his routine without him knowing so he can get used to change.... but start off with a certain schedule.. Good Luck.. My son was diagnosed 2 years ago when he was 10 he is now 12 and theses are things I did for him without knowing he had asbergers.. Today you wouldn't know he had it because he is very social... Get play dates, get him in to sports even if doesn't want to, push him, push push him, becaus the end result is worth it...

•    Anonymous said... Good ideas!! Yes, routine routine routine. Also make sure that if there's a major change try to let him know ahead of time. In a perfect world we can predict changes but obviously that doesn't happen, particularly in school. Have safety nets (people) set up in place so that if a sudden, unexpected change happens and a meltdown occurs that he has support to help him through it. The more you can tell teachers and staff members at school about his needs, his "triggers" the better off he is. After awhile it gets to be second hand nature for everyone, and it does get better!!
 
•    Anonymous said... I break the schedule down into parts and put the visual schedules up near the areas where he needs to complete the tasks. Ex. the "get out of the house" schedule to go to school is by the door; the bathroom bedtime routine is in the bathroom. This gives the visual schedules a context. You can try googling it for some ideas too on what they can look like. I modeled mine after the ones that are in my son's schools. Weekends were the hardest for us until we sat down at the breakfast table that morning and made a visual schedule for that day as well. So long as we keep to the routine, we do far better. I've heard that there are also some apps to help with this, though I have not explored them yet. I find that when we have this structure, he is also a bit more adaptive if we need to make a slight change. Good luck.
 
•    Anonymous said... give him a lot of small chores to help you and often say after we do this then you can do that. Give him pockrts of free time, ask nim how he wants to use it.Use a list for yourself but not for him. he will get the list in his brain in a short time. Thru the day 3-5 times say we only have 8 or 10 or 12 things left to do possibly the momentum of the number lowering will trigger him to offer assistance or cooperation try to schedule music video games and tv time and steer these away from overstimulating pumping excess choices to nature or animal stuff.
 
•    Anonymous said... Mine is a bit different than Kim Cohen's, but still very very visual.... One way I know is to put a laminated sign by his breakfast spot that shows him combing hair and brushing teeth in the bathroom. Then in the bathroom another sign shows him in his room getting clothes on. Then in his room it shows him grabbing his backpack and coat and setting it by the door. Our key to success is NO downtime in the am. If he gets started playing and then has to stop to head to school - it's no good. If he's "off track" you can prompt him by asking him what he should be doing right now rather than telling him. Always put it on him so he learns it's HIS responsibility. In the PM, you can make your routine more time oriented. 3-315 snack. 3:15 to 3:30 computer time. 3:30 - 4:00 free choice or quiet reading. Etc, Etc. Good luck!!!
 
•    Anonymous said... First, dear Mother of your As kiddo. Don't forget to breathe. My daughter changes drastically when there is ANY transition that deviates from her normal day to day routines. I agree with the parents comments above. Posting "to do" lists is good. I let my daughter decide what order to do her morning before school things on a numbered list. I find that even in school, this helps her fourth grade teacher see that visual cues help. Mostly, touching my daughter physically, on her elbow seem to be her most responsive spot, and asking, "can I ask you something?" instead of giving commands from across the room works great so I don't escalate in frustration as she really is not capable at times to "hear me". Also, LOTS of activities that allow rocking, swinging, being "squished" by pillows or rolled up tight in a favorite blanket...having time to decompress with their fave activity right after school. Allowing them to pick friends when they are ready but encourage them by becoming acquainted with Moms and other kiddos who your child "clicks" well with. Best of my prayers and compassion. Please feel free to send me a private message anytime.
 
•    Anonymous said... The picture check list in each room is what I use with my seven yr old and it seems to work really well with him ex. In the bathroom his check list is get a bath, brush teeth, and put dirty clothes in hamper and I let him mark off his progress as he completes them. He seems to like marking off the tasks as he completes them I think it gives him a sense of accomplishment. I use the my magnetic responsibility chart made my Melissa & Doug it has been a Hugh help for both Him and me. :)

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By

How to Be a Rotten Parent of a Child on the Autism Spectrum: General Strategies for Failure




==> Click here for specific parenting strategies to modify your child's behavioral problems, tantrums, and meltdowns...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 


More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

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By

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for April and May, 2018]



Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Hi Mark Thank you for helping me some years ago with my teen She is happily married now with 2 beautiful baby girls. And she thanks me often for not quitting on her.Your teaching was a big part of my not giving up and keeping on keeping on !

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I found your website today as I was educating myself about this disorder.  I have a 13 YO daughter who has been diagnosed with ODD.  We have been fighting depression and anxiety for 3 years now and thought I had it under control till about 8-12 months ago.  She has gotten horribly worse.  She refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and blames everyone else when she gets punished.  She has now gotten to the point of complete disobedience.  My mother picked her up from school yesterday and she tried to run away from her.  She had to call the sheriffs office to get her back under control.  The sheriff office had to escort her to the ER to have a mental evaluation.  My daugher says all she wants is to live with her mother.  I cannot allow that to happen.  I have custody for a reason.  My daughters couselor, my daughter & I last night came to an agreement that she would be allowed to go to her mothers for a month to give time for all of this to calm down.  I get a phone call today from her school.  She was given instructions by her sub math teacher and refused to obey.  The teacher asked her to leave the room and go to the office.  She again refused.  She had to be taken out of the classroom by the school resource officer.  I am like many of the people on the site that are at their "wits end".  I was diagnosed with cancer a month ago I had surgery to get the tumor out.  My daughter is killing me right now as the stress she has on me is not helping my health.  My health is bad as I am now depressed as my frustration is overwhelming.  I love my daughter more than anything and I and her need as much help as possible.  I dont want to get her involved with the juvenile system or long term residential treatment but I am running out of options.  Any help you can give me would be appreciated!!!!!

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I have a very out of control teen.. lying, cursing, stole his brothers money, threatening, etc, etc.  I literally just asked if his brother could have a turn on the video games when he had finished up his round, etc or however much he needed. I told him he could get back on games after his brother had quick turn as he had to go to bed much earlier. He started screaming in my face right away. I suggested a time out and he told me “F your time out you bleeping bleep!  So how do I respond to this??  Of course I responded completely wrong. I went after it, and I calmly stated that that talk Is not tolerated and there was no need for it, and I do not talk to him likeethat, etc, but he kept saying awful things so I started saying some back which I know I shouldn’t have. He flat out refuses to go to therapy, so we started this program.  Home life is great, both parents, 3 siblings.. no economic issues, .. school is tough I know, he is very bright in a scholarship school (his choice).. other than that, I have no idea. He has always been tough so in his personality for sure.. thanks a lot.

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I started looking up aspergers because our grandson was diagnosed when he was 12.  His mother being a single parent could not control him anymore so she chose to let her older sister take him into her home and work with him.  Since he has been kicked out of school for saying inappropriate things to girls.  He is doing online classes and she find him watching porn and not doing his schooling. 
Now the boy turns 18 on May 16 2018 and she wants to kick him out in the streets.  It is not the boys fault.  He did not get the right aspergers guidance that he needed to succeed in life in the real world.  He lacks in social skills, he argues, and is defiant.

How can she just kick him out of the house?  Is that legal or abandonment?  He lives in Michigan. He is in his Junior year of school because he was held back a year.  He needs to graduate to get a job.
We do not have the means to let him live with us.  We are very concerned for him.  We do not want him to go to prison for his actions.
We do not know who to contact to help him and the family to be able to understand him and help him.
What agencies do I contact for help.  We are clueless.
Are their life coaches that help with Aspergers.  Is it covered under insurance?
Please guide us to people that can help us and the child to get him going in the right direction in life.  Needed immediate attention since May 16, 2018 is real soon.

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Good morning
I am emailing about my 15 year old daughter with Aspergers syndrome. She recently got her learners permit and I am attempting to teach her to drive. Needless to say it is a challenge. She cannot take instruction which is typical for her but dangerous when driving.  And she can become so anxious she has the equivalent of panic attacks. She then has behaviors like being unable to distinguish the gas from the brake pedals.
My strategy so far has been to stick to an empty mall parking lot or my subdivision so that it is the same familiar loop in an effort to minimize distractions. I only have one car so she practices with the same car while with me.
Am I better off to pay for someone to teach her so it is a neutral party? I am a divorced single mom so I am trying to minimize costs. She also practices with her dad so I cannot ensure an entirely consistent environment but want to do my best.

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Dear Mr. Hutten,

Is this you with the Asperger YouTubes? I love them.

I am a psych NP in the Army who works at the RTF in Ft Gordon (alcohol rehab).

A year ago I had three incredibly awkward and strange dates with an off fellow who is also another Army major (pharmacist). At the end of the third date, which was a horrible memory (he thought I was texting mean things about him), a thought entered my head all of a sudden. “Oh my God, he’s an Aspie!” Boom.

From then on I tried to see things as he might see them, be very concrete in my communication and after awkward “dialogue” (his words) a week later (in the car in a parking lot at his insistence), I assured him I liked him and meant no harm, the 4th date was so beautiful! We are now married.

I have never ever told him I think he has Aspergers. I have Aspie traits too, by the way, except I’m highly empathic and I do not believe I have mind blindness; kind of the opposite. But I can relate to him and I can see things with his lens or I try to.

Should I tell him? Do I let it go? My perception that he has it helps me not get upset with him and is a great tool in my toolbox when we have issues. I try to see from his way.  Do I tell him? So far I’ve kept this thought to myself although I think he may know that I know. Or he may not know.

He’s a good man with a warm heart and I love him and hurt that he doesn’t see how others perceive him as odd or arrogant and then they ostracize him. I see it. I don’t know if I should just be a wife and forget the side of me that wants to diagnose. He’s deployed and I saw how he interacted with other Soldiers. Breaks my heart cause they don’t get him; and then he shuts down and it’s a perpetual cycle.

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Hello Mark,

I realise that offering support for everyone who buys your book must be an onerous task - so I'll keep this as brief as possible.

I am AS and my estranged wife is NT.
Unfortunately we separated just 6 months before I realised the cause of our difficulties and my diagnosis was confirmed.
I feel very strongly that, with my new found self-knowledge - I can improve on many of the issues that caused our separation.
I have sent her a copy of your ebook with the message that I would like us to try some of your suggestions.
But there has been no response.

Do you have an email that you can send reluctant wives in this situation? Really just with the message that your book is worth reading; what is the worst that can happen by engaging with some of your ideas; you may be able to answer some of her misgivings; etc? I feel at this moment that she may need more support/encouragement than I do.

She has been a wonderful wife but certainly has suffered during our 24 year marriage and raising 2 good kids - which I greatly regret. It would be a real shame if I couldnt interest her in at least exploring some of your ideas.

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To Mark
Please can you kindly tell me how I sign up for the "out of control" children page and advice.
Have a child of 8 - diagnosed Autistic Traits, from a London hospital. Extremely defiant, and head strong. At Present, he is very very obsessed with the Nintendo (Humoungous aggressive meltdowns when I am trying to persuade to come off). Then he says " I   n  e e d   something else to watch. I n e e d  technology.  So will then want to be on the dvd player for   s o m e time.  Then he asks for the laptop  for some time.  Only child.  Myself and him are  currently renting a ground floor flat.  He is SO   LOUD and swearing (every other word),,,,  :(.  He is due to start a new school soon,  we moved, but Is SO Rebellious at night time aswell.  He just cant be bothered to sleep:(.  He just wants to watch..  Previous neighbourhood complained about him being so loud:(.  We are now in rented, I am concerned we may not be able to renew, as the neighbours here hear him pretty much all the time,,,,,
I also need to work,  and it is a LOUD battleground,,,,

On a totally different note  - do u mind me asking a bit of advice possibly on parenting after Divorce. .. Have always lived some distance from the father,  I have offered in the past since Separation, to possibly Move nearer to the father.  He didn't really take us up on it.  Now we are due to start school  in a different area,, I feel the urge to maybe ask him 1 more time possibly, to see if we could move nearer (wont be easy - private renting again).  He is completely adamant that there are no issues.... "Everyone has traits of Autism....." Doesn't address any of his issues,, apart from bit of delayed toileting,,, Not very complimentary of me... But because as a single parent, I need to work   - Although we are on Completely different pages with his needs, He also refuses me to try for another more assessments, and I seriously believe he may have add/adhd,, poss odd/and or ocd,,,,, Is it still worthwhile do u think trying to live nearer,,, so work possibilities due to him hopefully seeing son regularly eg 1 day per week, may be slightly increased.  He is always q stressy...... Thinks sons problem may be down to my parenting etc etc,,,,,,:(.  Son also increasingly scared of heights eg refusing to go on escalators and using stairs.  always wanting a lift... So, I try wherever to accommodate this....
So sorry for such a lengthy email at this point.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated....

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I am living with an adult brother who’s I raised since he was 14. He is 53, I am 57. He is high functioning, highly intelligent and an alien, government conspiracist about everything in the world. He is a hoarder, passive/aggressive, controlling and everyone needs to do things his way especially me.

I sold my house 15 years ago and moved. I thought it was the house I didn’t like but certainly wrong.

He has absolutely destroyed my house and hangs out with a millennial hippie crowd that goes to Moon Tribes and Burning Man.  He works as a videographer taping conspiracy conferences.

For the past eight years he has had a perpetual bevy of coach surfers living in my house on his childhood mattress, he even has his sheets from the sixties.

I have to clean the house when he is out and sneak things to the trash.  I have deco furniture from the 1920’s that he has destroyed.  While on an extended trip he had hippies in my room.  All of my clothes just disappeared, they were clean and folded on my bed.  We are talking $10k in clothes.  In my closet buried beneath 10 tents from the hippies was a gigantic vinyl bag of hippie clothes and intermingled in it were some of my missing clothes, it was like Christmas.  I collect vintage luggage, which was buried in the entryway and magic happened, I had purchased a Norwegian snow hat at the Waldorf Astoria in Park City and it was in there along with sentimental scarfs and a brocade vintage wrap.

Sorry that I am going on and on about fashion but I have no one to talk to and this is a miracle.  He picks up furniture of the street, mattresses are stood up against the wall, my couch is vertical against the wall in my office that I have a French door to from my room where Veda the culprit of all things lost had been for a year playin electronic music.

Okay, I googled support groups for people living with adults with Asperger’s, same thing on Facebook book and finally found a link to you.  I need therapy or group support. I am in Long Beach, California.  I have secondary insurance which I believe is Windstone or Windstar (separate words or together).

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I am contacting  confidential on  behalf  of  family  who  has  internal  problem with  16  years  old
 and  I need  advice  in  situation  describe  below :
The  16  years  old :
Obsessively playing violent video games, watching violent movies.
Threatening and bullying others
Thee same issues keep coming back over and over again (a sort of boomerang effect).
•    Swearing and name calling
pushing, slapping a constant refusal to do as been asked contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities
Emotional blackmail
Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
Ability for empathy and compassion is not present
He  found  out and  announced it the Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents,
Repeated offences of violence suffer in silence and  never received Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games.
He  said ( the  abusers ) will ring social services to claim somebody have hit him, and the Law comes down on his side every time.
This behaviour goes on without resolving it.
He’s aggressive and flies off the handle about everything and constantly hiding his
violent  behavior from the public.
Pretending  Naturally, he was extremely remorseful  it’s his pattern.
Energy  drainer
Never thanks anyone
Messy in dress and home
Claim to much
Uncompassionate
Never  tell the  true
Totally undependable
Conduct disorders
He's only defending himself.
He will accept no authority from anyone.
If he doesn't like what you have to say, he'll simply leave - if he cannot escape, he will lash out with violence and
aggressive behavior will get worse.
When he's calm, that he gets sometimes so mad sometimes that he feels rage and feels like he's going to snap.
He has ''antisocial personality,'' who is driven by utterly selfish motives.
To avoid punishment, get something they want or make excuses for themselves poorly supervised Troubled Personality Types and How They Lie ANTISOCIAL Tells lies that manipulate in a cold way.
The burden of proof is upon the oppressed to identify what they would like to replace their oppressor with.
Once he receive comfort, he reject his parents again—and so the cycle repeats itself.
His  defend phony illness or injuries,
Controlling his environment and everyone in it.
Become dominant
 Constantly Throws Tantrums
Hits, Grabs, Bites, Acts Bossy, and Everything Else That Embarrasses You
Whines From the Moment He Wakes Up
Acts Defiant and Always Negotiates
Complains of Being Bored
Talks Rudely to Adults and Is Mean to Peers
Controls Your Life.
Playing the victim card
Blaming others: If your child is constantly blaming others for things that go wrong
They constantly brag about your kid and find ways to excuse their bad behavior.
Will have a tantrum if challenged, criticized, or told something he dislike.
Never shows much empathy or warmth towards others.
Overly dominant, aggressive, and boundary-pushing with other people.
Non stop researching  information about his  rights so he can be prepared  in case he has to prepare his defense  and lies .
Always  playing victims  and pretending he  has a panic attacks .
And  works  like a  switch in the public  he is suddenly well behavior.
It is unsafe for others to have him to that much power .
Family seem scared of him  they are afraid he can snap  on them and never want to tell anybody from  outside so they covering his  dangerous  behavior behind  the close door and unfortunately, because these activities occur behind the scenes, it can be difficult to prove that these events are actually occurring.
He does not respect others and place his own needs first and foremost.
He avoids responsibility by “forgetting " never responsible for his actions.
 He  has no faults, it is everyone around him who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
He  is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations.
Believes that deadlines are for everyone but them.
He does things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from him.
Everybody has  to meet his needs.
They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair.
You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
Always has negative attitudes especially at home behind the closed doorsHe  said in case  he has to defend  himself he complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others .
but outside appears to comply or act appropriately, but actually behave negatively and passively resist.
Difficult time getting along with others.
Appear enthusiastic to carry out others requests, but he purposely performs in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.
Intentional avoidance of responsibility.
Some behaviors that may be used to avoid responsibility include:
o    Procrastination—to delay or postpone needlessly and intentionally
o    Deliberate inefficiency—purposefully performing in an incompetent manner
o    Forgetfulness
•    Feelings of resentfulness towards others
•    Stubbornness
•    Argumentative, sulky, and hostile, especially toward authority figures
•    Easily offended
•    Resentful of useful suggestions from others
•    Blames others
•    Chronically impatient
•    Unexpressed anger or hostility
It is a prolonged pattern of negative and repeated behaviors .
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Sarcasm, Critical and “Off-Color” Jokes
tendency to blame others for own failures.
Always expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
He gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” , or gives you too little or too much information.
With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought.
Always overreact .
Thank you and waiting for your advice .
Regards,
Family friend

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Hello Mr. Hutten,

I found you online after countless searches on resources for people in my situation. My partner has Aspergers. I know he does bc I have been searching for "what is wrong with him" for years. I first thought it was his Germanness. Then maybe general anger and anxiety issues. I was reading a post about different supplements to combat anger issues when a poster mentioned that his anger, caused by his general aspergers, greatly reduced after taking glutamine. Up until that point I never considered Aspergers. I read everything about it in the weeks after and it fits perfectly. I took a test online with him....playfully and it came out that  he had Aspergers. I know that isn't conclusive but I have absolutley no doubt he has it.

The thing though is that he just dismissed it... he just said "hmm"... and went back to watching tv. This made me so mad and over the weeks, whenever he did something clearly "autistic" I would get upset internally that he wasn't mitigating it. He can't mitigate something he doesn't acknowledge.... it's that lack if acknowledgement that really gets me upset.

He's angry, brash, has the shortest temper and is incredibley unable to be self sufficient. He has a very hard time keeping a job. If he doesn't agree with his boss, it becomes a battle. He lacks self awareness, humility and, of course, empathy.

I want to believe that if he would just acknowledge his Aspergers, he's be motivated to improve. I don't expect him to do a 180 degree change.... I just want some acknowledgement that I am not insane. I've read so many stories about couples in our situation that were able to grow together.... I want that bc I love him.

He says the most insulting things and misunderstands things and never ever ever apologises.

I don't even know what my question to you should be. I just need some sort of direction on how to approach this with him without starting WWIII.

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I recently listened to your three part series on living with a husband who has aspergers.  It was very insightful and I finally felt relief as I could pinpoint what has been occurring in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years.  I always assumed that my boyfriend was just socially awkward, but I am fairly certain that he has mild Aspergers.  He fits into most of the criteria. Although it has given me relief knowing that his awkward behavior is likely do to a condition, I don't know how to bring the topic up to him.  I am afraid that if I mention "Asperger" he will automatically shut down and say I'm attacking him.  Do you have any suggestions for how to suggest to him that he may have this condition in a loving way? I'm at a loss and don't know what to do!

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We are great grandparents of a little boy who will be six in a few weeks and just one year ago he was finally diagnosed with Asbergers/autism syndrome/special needs child at his preschool and then his now kindergarten school. Late coming but finally found out what we suspected. His parents are not educating themselves but we are and will help them and most especially him as much as we can. They refused to believe he has problems and did for several years beginning at age two or before,
We are his primary caregivers while his parents work or cannot take care of him. He is in a good school struggles a lot with social issues is "smart" we are told over and over and is making progress. We simply need to know all we can. I may take a while to read and listen but we will definitely take the time. He has a terrible diet, his mother does not cook and they eat fast foods o pre prepared things. We do it differently here which helps him somewhat.
 I will let you know of his progress, we  (I) love seeing it from other caregivers and parents and others who care so much for these kids, the success in small measured pieces.

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I actually think it’s far too late
for my partner and myself.
We’re about to separate as he says he’s now fed up with him being labeled
as controlling, moody, unemotional despite him being diagnosed 18 months
ago. We came back early from a well needed weekend away because he could not stop himself from being moody and irritated by me.
He now thinks he may only be able to dip in and out of relationships as he
does with his whole family despite them all being close and having the usual contact with each other and will not under any circumstances go to a
counselor. I think he may be correct  as this is all he does/has ever done with is family, previous marriage and relationships.
He saw a specialist adult physician/psychiatrist for his diagnosis of high functioning Asperger
diagnosis who recommended CBT through his team but having been 2-3 times he
feels it’s unhelpful and doesn’t see the point.
Having had a follow up appointment with the specialist 6 months ago who recommended upping his
antidepressants and seeing the psychologist more regularly he’s upped the
dose but not seen her again.
She had asked to see us together but it's as if he’s in denial that she may help. I
think he might be finding the counselling and CBT tough as its probably touching a raw spot. He’s very clever and
thinks he knows himself better than anyone and that nobody can know him better and nobody can help.
We’re at crisis point as I don’t think I should live like this anymore.
Any suggestions?

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Mark, I have a 25 year-old daughter on the spectrum who is currently living on her own.   She struggles with many of the issues you outline in your articles: overall health, planning, initiating, follow through.  She returned home after (but not finishing) college and we came to a point where it made sense for her to live on her own.  She’s supporting herself by providing care for a 9 year-old with special needs – somewhat of a live-in situation. She’s made great progress since moving out and I’d like to continue to help her gain her confidence and independence.  To that end I’d like to schedule a phone call with you to understand more of your coaching services.

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Dear Mark,
Like many other parents trying to seek solutions I went online and found you. After having looked at numerous blogs, websites, and most recently your website I’m quite assured our son, perhaps my husband has Aspergers.
I’d like to focus on my son as I’m heartbroken for him. He often has good intentions to navigate difficult group decisions in our family but it always goes badly. The interpersonal navigation of problem solving, regular communication goes badly. This results in him feeling ‘demonized’ ‘always the bad guy’’always wrong’.
I see he’s very justice oriented, wanting to make sure the right thing is communicated, problem solved... but due to his monotone way of communicating, the intensity of his communication, the tightness of how he communicates - it’s often offensive to us resulting in a high level of frustration for him which makes him feel marginalized.
When he was a young boy he’d line up his cars over and over again, he hated hugs, he focused on fulfilling his duty (like walking to school and not saying hi to peers along the way), softly repeating each line of movie lines, but we didn’t see this was unique.
Now hes an adult and we see how it affects his relationships here at home. He’s very high functioning, you’d never know he’s struggling or frustrated with those outside our household, he’s a very successful young man with his jobs, with school and even with professional relationships.  I have a feeling his peer relationships are difficult but he doesn’t talk about it.
In conclusion, I see this is getting to him, not knowing why he’s struggling and going through such challenges. We want to tell him that we think he might have Aspergers but he’s never been diagnosed and secondly I’m not sure how this news might affect him. I actually think it might come as a big relief to him knowing we can educate him, give him some tools for the journey.

I need help. What do I do? My heart breaks for our son. We love him so very much but see such struggle. He even broke down last week saying this is the primary reason he’s not going out with someone at the moment.
On the outside he’s handsome, he’s successful yet such inner struggle.
I’m looking for direction on what to do next. If you have books? Blogs? Videos? I’ll do as much as I can to help our son.

Thank you for your post I found online.

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Our son Rio is 16. ASD, ADHD,  non-compliance disorder,  depression, anxiety etc etc. We managed OK until he turned 14 then things really got bad.  No amount of assertive parenting,  clear boundaries & staying calm has helped. The underlying aggression has been a constant. The meltdowns are infrequent but result in extreme property damage (1000s of dollars worth that will take him years to repay)  police being called,  nights in hospital, occasional weeks in psych wards.
Last week, (after returning from a family weekend camping trip! )he had a massive meltdown after I said no to buying him alcohol. He was taken away.. Again.. by police & paramedics to hospital for observation. In the morning when they rang for me to collect him I said no.  He can't come back.  Enough is enough. I can not handle anymore of this abuse.  I have a husband,  another child & myself to consider. We deserve a peaceful life.

I haven't turned my back on him & will support him when he can be civil & behaves non aggressively.

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Hello Mark,
I'm wondering if you'd please be able to give me some advice concerning a temporary situation where I am staying...The Landlord I believe, has Aspergers, and I believe, a Conduct Disorder.
I'm only residing here for a short time--less than six weeks--today she came in and placed a birthday cake for someone--I believe she was intentionally hiding it downstairs--and when I
returned the cake had been taken and so had my new italian shawl that was on my bed. 
She had earlier lied to my friends about me and they of course didn't believe it owing to its outrage.  Please, do you have any advice on the best way to approach her to get it back. 
Mark, I'm actually a therapist myself, transitioning to Victoria from another province when this
happened.  I'd be extremely grateful for any advice you can offer on how to approach this woman.  Thank you for your consideration.

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Hi, Yesterday I bought your e-book on AS/NT relationships.  I am engaged to an AS man who I have known since I was 17 and dated at that time.  I always knew I loved him even with his "quirkiness".  Fast forward 40 years and we have re-connected after having been married to other people.  I have been extremely frustrated with his lack of empathy and will try some of your suggestions.  I would truly like us to see a counselor who specializes in AS/NT relationships in the Orlando area.  He also has an office in Wheeling, WVA and I also have property in Western PA, so even perhaps someone in those areas as well.  I am a little nervous about bringing up the subject that I believe he is an AS guy, but I would like to talk to a therapist about this as well.  Any suggestions??

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Hi Mr. Hutten,
My 11yr old son, John, has Asperger's disorder. After years of struggling in the local school system, we sent him to an excellent school for children with Asperger's, ADHD etc... We used all of the resources we could to get a lawyer to help us get the school district to help us pay for this new school and transportation. He started to really thrive and up until yesterday, had a great school year. I thought my prayers were finally answered. The school was wonderful, 4:1 student teacher ratio, highly trained staff, serene setting and protocol in place to help a kid leave the room to deal with a meltdown. He was thriving and catching up academically and they all loved him. Yesterday, he came home and told me that he had a massive meltdown in school and, from his description, he may be asked to leave the school. He had a few minor meltdowns in school this year but nothing like this and we are all devastated, especially John. The school usually communicates an issue right away but we have heard nothing from them. Considering that he tells me that hit his teachers and "broke a computer", which I am completely appalled by, I can guess that it is pretty bad now. I can't blame them.

He always feels remorse and great shame after losing his temper but he is overwhelmed now and says that he "doesn't even know how to help himself". This is what used to happen in the old school. I am at a loss. John is a sweet, bright, funny child. He has always been a tiny kid (not even on the growth chart due to being severely premature), but is recently starting to grow. He does not throw these tantrums to gain something, he just has so much trouble self regulating when he feels frustrated or overwhelmed. He is currently on 2 medications through a psychiatrist at the Center for Autism and the Developing Brain at New York Hospital Westchester and I will be speaking with her today.

Do you have any suggestions for a family in our situation?

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My 25yr old son has meltdowns somewhat regular basis.  I never know until I hear him slam something, complain about environmental noise or neighbors he hasn't met! He's not paranoid but can be perceived that way because we don't understand why he would think everyone hates him or talking about him.
So today I showed him quote that said:
"Tell the negative committee meeting in your brain to shut up and sit down". He cracked up laughing.

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We see each other n he takes me out at least 2 to 3 times a month we are intimate he says he wants to be left alone . We have no communication when we are together he says he wants to enjoy his time with me not to talk about problems.
We own a restaurant together but for 33 years I never came here very rarely because when I would come with the kids he would get upset n nervous he said he needed to concentrate on the business
Years passed by n now my kids are men n they are all working here .
N now I decided to work here as well which makes him nervous I come here 5 times a week .
He comes here at 7 am sits on the front table n just looks st the walls or reads by himself! He spends all day in the restaurant just sitting down n talking to whoever customer starts conversation.
All his conversations are about food n restaurant.it all started when we where getting sued by the dishwashers for overtime. He would come home with headaches n was very mean n verbally abusive to me n my sons . Would tell him that he can talk to me but not to take it out on me that I understood the restaurant meant a lot to him but that all I really cared about was him that it was ok if we lost everything that we would just start all over n have each other . He kept on being verbally abusive n very quiet n cold he even hit my middle child that was 27 years old at the time .
So I told him crying one night when he was yelling at me n telling me there was nothing for me to smile about.( I was waiting up for him like I always did ) that he was like a devil that why was he torturing me when all I’ve done is love him to leave me alone and leave . He left a few weeks later . He has never told my kids he loves them . I use to get the live word out of him . I was so caught up bringing up the kids I didn’t realize what was going on I thought he was just being a good husband n father . Our sex life had always been amazing. Even now when we are together it’s amazing.
He says we don’t get along . I told him the argument were always because he would ignore me n though the restaurant was more important. And sometimes when we go out he has a way of talking to woman that seems like flirting but I don’t think he does it on purpose he would look at me like a little kid wounded when I would tell him he had been inappropriate n it was lack of respect towards me .the reason why I’m reaching out to you is because our biggest problem is lack of communication I know . But at the same time he blames me for everything n even says things that are not true n he swears by it . He has developed a paranoia towards me that he sometimes won’t even go near me . He is like a little scared child . He has episodes when he screams n one day in the car even was hitting his head on the side window n screaming his lungs out .
I want to help my husband Mark .
I really think he needs help for him to understand what’s going on with him . That it’s not my fault .
He doesn’t want to go to a doctor he is too proud .
But he tortures  my kids in the restaurant he has no filter .
I try to go out with my friends n keep busy doing things I like but it’s very hard because my heart is not in any of it .

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