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Support and Education for Parents of Children with Asperger's and HFA



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How to Make a Dentist Trip Less Stressful for Kids on the Spectrum



 
==> More parenting strategies for dealing with your child's stress and anxiety can be found here...

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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The Family Contract: How to Set Effective Boundaries for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“How do I set clear boundaries that I can enforce - and my child with high functioning autism will obey?”

The key to setting effective boundaries is to involve the entire family in the process. Get everyone on the same page. This is accomplished by implementing a “family contract” in which the house rules - and the consequences for violating those rules - are clearly explained and written on an actual contract.

In a family contract, parents agree to do certain things, for example:
  • encourage the child to achieve in all areas of life
  • hold the child accountable for the choices he makes, and ensure that he experiences privileges and unfortunate consequences that go with each choice
  • listen, and not overreact or judge the child for things that don't make sense to her
  • love the child for who she is
  • make themselves available to the child whenever he or she needs them – even when they are “busy”
  • never view the child as a failure, even when she makes mistakes
  • provide a comfortable, safe and mutually respectful place to talk honestly
  • provide the child with housing, food and clothing



In exchange, the AS or HFA child agrees to do certain things, for example:
  • apply himself in school and other activities
  • avoid threatening to do harm to self or others
  • avoid the use of drugs and alcohol
  • be honest, even when he or she doesn’t feel like it
  • be respectful towards everyone in this home
  • keep her promises and strive to be trustworthy
  • talk to parents when he is angry, upset or confused

All of these stipulations are written into the family contract, which is then placed in a visible area of the house to be reviewed and revised as often as needed.

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

Regardless of the developmental stage of the AS or HFA youngster, some basic principles can help guide the process of developing an effective family contract: 
  • An effective family contract does not instill a loss of trust, shame, negative guilt, or a sense of abandonment; rather, it instills a sense of greater trust between the youngster and the parents.
  • The purpose of the contract is to help the child internalize rules, organize himself, and acquire appropriate behavior patterns.
  • The temperaments of the youngster and the parent require flexibility. Kids with “special needs” and developmental delays need additional accommodations.

Kids raised without reasonable limits will have difficulty adjusting socially out in the real world. In a family contract, rules are established so that the AS or HFA child can learn to live cooperatively with other people in the family. This is a crucial skill for kids on the autism spectrum because (a) they already have social skills deficits by virtue of the disorder, and (b) we are all social creatures by nature, and therefore must learn to get along (e.g., at home, school, work, and the community at large).

Here are a few tips that will help promote an effective family contract:
  1. Just concentrate on two or three rules at first.
  2. Allow for your youngster’s temperament and individuality.
  3. Apply consequences as soon as possible.
  4. In general, it is more effective to anticipate and prevent undesirable behavior than to punish it. Thus, when possible, deal with the difficult behavior in advance - or away from - the actual misbehavior, not in the heat of the moment. An “away-from-the-moment” discussion can help prevent undesirable behavior by giving you the opportunity to teach your youngster the desirable behavior in advance. 
  5. Apply rules consistently.
  6. Avoid nagging and making threats without consequences.
  7. Do not enter into arguments with your youngster during the correction process.
  8. Ensure that your youngster knows the correction is directed against the behavior and not him or her as a person. 
  9. Always guard against humiliating your youngster during the corrective process. 
  10. Model forgiveness and avoid bringing up past mistakes.
  11. Ignore unimportant and irrelevant behavior (e.g., swinging legs while sitting at the dinner table).
  12. Know and accept age-appropriate behavior (e.g., spilling a glass of milk is not willful defiance for a 4-year-old, whereas refusing to wear a bicycle helmet after repeated warnings is willful defiance in a 6-year-old).
  13. Make the consequences brief (e.g., time-outs should last one minute per year of the youngster’s age, to a maximum of five minutes).
  14. Mean what you say – but say it without yelling at your youngster. 
  15. Be sure to prioritize. Safety always comes first, correcting behavior that harms people and property comes second, and unwanted behaviors (e.g., whining, tantrums, interrupting etc.) comes third. 
  16. Reinforce desirable behavior (e.g., praise positive behavior and “catch” your child being good).
  17. Make consequences realistic (e.g., grounding for two weeks may not be feasible).

 ==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

How do you know whether or not you have an effective family contract in place? It’s effective if you are accomplishing most of the following:
  • your child can tolerate discomfort when necessary
  • discipline is applied with mutual respect in a firm, fair, reasonable and consistent way
  • your child is assertive without being aggressive or hostile
  • it fosters the development of your youngster’s own self-discipline
  • your youngster always knows that you love and support him or her
  • it helps the youngster to develop a healthy conscience and an internal sense of responsibility and control
  • it helps your youngster fit into the real world happily and effectively
  • it teaches and guides the child, and doesn’t just force him or her to obey
  • your child is considerate of the needs of others
  • it protects the youngster from danger
  • your child is able to postpone pleasure
  • he or she is able to respect your authority - and also the rights of others

The bottom line is this: Social skills deficits are what give children on the autism spectrum the most problems in life. This is why it’s so terribly important for them to get acquainted with social order as soon as possible. And the best way to accomplish this goal is through the ongoing use of a formal family contract. In this way, when the child begins school life and encounters the list of “school rules” to abide by, the idea of following established rules - and receiving consequences for violating those rules - will not be a foreign concept to the child.

==> Methods for dealing with meltdowns, shutdowns, and tantrums in these "special needs" young people can be found here...

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Poor Sportsmanship in Kids on the Autism Spectrum



==> More parenting advice for behavioral problems in kids on the spectrum can be found here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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The Newly Diagnosed Child: Stages that Parents May Go Through

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Your Child with ASD Thinks in Pictures



==> More information on how your child with ASD thinks and processes the world...

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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Help for the Easily Agitated Child on the Autism Spectrum: Tips for Parents

“My son with high functioning autism will get so upset and frustrated to the point of meltdown. He becomes very aggressive and there is no calming him down or discussing things with him once he has crossed this line. And to make matters worse, there is no rhyme or reason to his explosions. What upsets him to no end one day doesn’t seem to bother him on another day. This makes it very hard to predict what’s coming. Help!”

Due to the associated symptoms, kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s (AS) are more likely to become agitated than “typical” kids. There are numerous issues related to the disorder that may contribute to your son’s distress, for example:
  • Difficulty handling changes to the daily routine
  • Fatigue
  • Impaired communicating skills
  • Strong reliance on fixed routines
  • Over-sensitivity to stimuli through the five senses 
  • Stress in the environment
  • Tendency to be clumsy
  • Difficulty identifying, understanding, and describing his emotions
  • Tendency to misinterpret or misunderstand gestures and facial expressions
  • Trouble interacting with others  
  • Underlying behavioral, developmental, or health conditions (e.g., ADHD)



Also, your son may be more likely to become agitated if you react too strongly to his behavior or give in to his demands.

All kids get frustrated and act-out from time to time, and there is no reason why young people on the autism spectrum should refrain from this stage of development. But how do you know whether or not an agitated child's behavior is "normal"? When the behavior escalates to the point of violence, is it still just simple agitation, or are there deeper issues that need to be looked at?

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

Agitation and resultant “problematic behavior” (i.e., the child’s way of coping with distress) are very common problems in HFA and AS. The child may appear to go into a state of rage or anxiety for no apparent reason (e.g., screaming, crying, resisting contact with others, pushing others away, etc.).

Parents often have great difficulty calming their HFA or AS child once he or she has reached the boiling point. The youngster may seem inconsolable, and the episode can last a long time – and can even involve of more aggressive behaviors (e.g., hitting, biting, pinching, etc.). Also, the “emotional release” that typically accompanies the end of “throwing a fit” for non-autistic kids rarely occurs in the HFA or AS child. Similar episodes of anxiety and anger may be seen all through childhood, adolescence – and even into adulthood.

Paying attention to the things that trigger your son’s frustration can help you act before his emotions escalate beyond the point where he can control them. Identifying the cause of the behavior is very important. There is ALWAYS some “yet-to-be-unidentified” trigger that brings on difficult behavior.

As with such behavior in all young people, there are a number of possible causes. There may be underlying reasons (e.g., feeling upset, anxious or angry), and immediate triggers (e.g., being told to do something). But with kids on the autism spectrum, problematic behavior is usually directed by frustration and agitation.

Disruption of Routine and Structure—

As with most children on the autism spectrum, your son most likely relies heavily on ritualistic behaviors and structure. Structure is a method that helps him to define the world in terms of set rules and explanations, which in turn helps him function. Most kids on the spectrum find their own methods of imposing structure and maintaining consistency. They need this structure because the world is confusing to them; the world is complex and almost impossible to understand. The information your son receives through his senses is no doubt overwhelming and hard to bring together into a strong whole. Also, if he has a learning disability, it makes it especially hard to apply cognitive skills to all these areas at once.

When some form of structure or routine is disrupted, the world becomes confusing and overwhelming again (e.g., feeling homesick, losing a comforting toy when feeling alone, starting a new school year, etc.). This disruption of structure may be obvious to you (e.g., having a collection of objects disturbed, being made to go a different way to school, getting up at an unusual hour), or it may be hidden (e.g., subtle changes in the environment which the youngster is used to). Some of these triggers may be out of the control of your son, and some may be avoidable.

Problems with Communication—

Most children on the autism spectrum have difficulty understanding others and communicating with them. Thus, frustration, anger and anxiety often build-up. Also, their problematic behaviors often directly serve as a form of communication (i.e., they may act-out because a particular need is not being met, but they don’t know how to use their words to get what they need). Natural tantrums (e.g., in response to changes in routine, or requests to do something the child does not want to do) may well become usual over-reactions in the eyes of parents.

When to Seek Help from a Professional—

HFA and AS children who continue to act-out their frustration in destructive ways after the age of 4 usually need outside help learning to deal with their negative emotions. Problematic behaviors that continue (or start) during the school years may be a sign of other issues (e.g., learning difficulties, social skills deficits, etc.).

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

Talk with a health professional if difficult behavior frequently lasts longer than 15 minutes, occurs more than 3 times a day, or is more aggressive. This may indicate that your son has an underlying medical, emotional, or social problem that needs attention. These are not considered normal child tantrums. Problematic behaviors can include biting, hair pulling, head-banging or inflicting self-injury, hitting, kicking, pinching, scratching, throwing or breaking things, etc.

It's especially important to seek outside assistance if:
  • Your son’s outbursts occur more than 3 times a day
  • They frequently last longer than 15 minutes
  • He hurts himself, other people, or objects when he is agitated
  • His behavior does not improve after 4 years of age
  • You have serious concerns about his destructive behavior
  • You have problems handling his behavior
  • You have concerns that you might accidently hurt your son when trying to hold him back or calm him down
  • You need help with learning to cope with your own feelings during his outbursts

This is where support is needed both in the form of direct interventions related to the behaviors, and in advising and helping you manage episodes in ways that can be applied at home. These difficulties can be improved slowly through education and other interventions.

In the meantime, you can help by making an effort to manage the environment so that your son is more comfortable (e.g., providing structure, avoiding distracting information when engaging in tasks, allowing personal space where necessary, etc.). When your son acts-out, this is his way of trying to communicate his needs. Therefore, the cause of the behavior (i.e., an unmet need) must first be identified before teaching and developing other means of communicating.

Think like this: “My child is behaving badly. So, he is trying to tell me something through his behavior, because he hasn’t learned to use his words yet. What might he need in this moment? How can we use this episode as a learning opportunity? And how can I help my child find the words to describe what’s going on as an alternative to acting-out his feelings?”


==> Crucial information on how to help your child deal with frustration...



More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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