“How can I help my high functioning autistic daughter (age 7) to be more independent and confident in her abilities to handle tough situations?”
All kids need love, encouragement, and support – and for the child with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), such positive reinforcement can help ensure that he or she emerges with a strong sense of self-confidence and the determination to keep going even when circumstances are difficult.
In searching for ways to help your child, remember that you are looking for ways to help her to help herself. Your job is to give her the social and emotional tools she needs to work through the inevitable obstacles that will come. In the long run, facing and overcoming the difficulties associated with the symptoms of AS and HFA can help your youngster to become more resilient.
Parents should always remember that the way they behave and respond to challenges has a big impact on their “special needs” youngster. A good attitude won’t solve the problems associated with the disorder, but it can give the youngster hope and confidence that things can improve and that she will eventually succeed.
How to help your child with autism spectrum disorder to help herself:
1. Encourage healthy emotional habits. Like you, your child may be frustrated by the problems associated with his disorder. Therefore, try to give him outlets for expressing his anger, frustration, or feelings of disappointment. Listen when he wants to talk. Create an environment open to expression. Doing so will help your child connect with his emotions, and eventually, learn how to calm himself and regulate his feelings.
2. For children on the autism spectrum, being proactive is crucial and involves (a) self-advocacy (e.g., asking for a seat at the front of the classroom) and (b) the willingness to take responsibility for choices. Thus, ask your youngster how she approaches problems. How do problems make her feel? How does she decide what action to take? Discuss different possible decisions, problems, and outcomes with your youngster. Have her pretend to be part of the situation and make her own decisions. If she is hesitant to make choices and take action, try to provide a few “safe” situations to test the water (e.g., thinking of a solution for a scheduling conflict, choosing what to make for dinner, etc.). Also, share how you approach problems in your life.
3. For kids on the spectrum, self-awareness (i.e., knowledge about strengths and weaknesses) is very important. Therefore, work with your youngster on activities that are within his capabilities. This will help build feelings of competency. Help him develop his strengths and passions. Feeling passionate and skilled in one area can inspire hard work in other areas. Ask your youngster to list his strengths and weaknesses. In addition, talk about your own strengths and weaknesses.
4. In order to help your child to help himself, you need to be as emotionally and physically healthy as possible. Thus, take care of YOU too. It’s easy to get caught up in what your youngster needs, while forgetting your own needs. But, if you don’t take care of yourself, you run the risk of burning out. You won’t be able to help your youngster to help himself if you’re exhausted and emotionally depleted. On the other hand, when you’re calm and focused, you’re better able to connect with your youngster and help him to be calm and focused too. Enlist the help of teachers, tutors, and therapists whenever possible to share some of responsibility for day-to-day academic responsibilities. Join a support group. The encouragement and advice you’ll get from other moms and dads is crucial. Make daily time for yourself to relax and decompress. Get enough rest, eat well, and exercise.
5. Kids with AS and HFA usually need to work harder and longer because of their disorder. Therefore, discuss what it means to keep going even when things are tough. Talk about the rewards of hard work – and the opportunities missed by giving up. Talk with your youngster about times when he persevered (e.g., why did he keep going?). When your youngster has worked hard, but failed to achieve his goal, discuss different possibilities for pushing forward. In addition, share stories about when you have faced challenges and kept pushing forward.
6. Recruit family and friends so that they, too, can help your AS or HFA child to help herself. You may have tried to keep your youngster’s disorder a secret, which can, even with the best intentions, look like guilt or shame. Without knowing, extended family and friends will not understand the disorder. As a result, they may think that your youngster’s behavior is stemming from disobedience, laziness or hyperactivity. Once everybody is on the same page, they can support your youngster’s progress. Your family members and friends can be helpful teammates if you can find a way to include them and learn to ask for help when you need it.
7. Setting realistic and attainable goals is a crucial skill for success, and involves the flexibility to adapt and adjust goals according to changing challenges, circumstances, and limitations. Thus, celebrate with your youngster when she achieves a goal. If some goals seem to be too hard to achieve, talk about why - and how - plans or goals can be adjusted to make them possible. Help your youngster identify a few short-term and long-term goals, and write down steps and a timeline to achieve the goals. Check with your child periodically to talk about progress and make adjustments as needed. In addition, talk about your own short-term and long-term goals and what you do when you encounter difficult challenges.
8. Strong support systems are key for children with AS and HFA. The child that is able to ask for help when she needs it - and reach out to others for support - is often highly successful. Thus, demonstrate to your youngster how to ask for help in difficult situations. Help her to nurture and develop good relationships. Model what it means to be a good friend so she knows what it means to help and support others. Present your youngster with role-play scenarios that require help. Also, share examples of people needing help, how they got help, and why it was good to ask for what you need.
9. When a child with AS or HFA learns how to regulate stress and calm himself, he will be much better equipped to overcome challenges. So, ask your youngster to describe activities and situations that make him anxious. Break down the scenarios and talk about how anxiety and frustration can be avoided. Ask your youngster what words he might use to describe anxiety. Does he recognize when he is feeling anxious? Encourage your youngster to identify and participate in activities that help reduce anxiety (e.g., sports, games, music, writing in a journal, etc.). Also, use words to identify feelings and help your youngster learn to recognize specific emotions.
10. Lastly, prayer and meditation have worked wonders for other parents of children on the autism spectrum. For example, pray for your child’s success in all areas of life – spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and financially. Also, visualize your child thriving in all of these areas.
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“Any ideas on how to help our high-functioning son improve his self-esteem and start to feel more capable of doing certain things. He’s a very sensitive boy that doesn’t seem to have much faith in his abilities… for example, during the last school year he wouldn't turn in homework because he was afraid of getting get an ‘F’… won’t even attempt to ride his bicycle (it just collects dust in the garage)… refuses to attend Sunday School because ‘nobody likes’ him (prefers sitting with us during regular service) …just to name a few.”
A young person with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often feels powerless and inadequate. He tends to be a passive learner and needs to be totally involved in activities to make him an active learner.
You can encourage hands-on activities (e.g., cleaning, cooking, shopping, and running errands, etc.) to show your “special needs” child that he is competent and can make things happen. These learning activities have the added benefit of resulting in visible, tangible products that are valued by the entire family.
As parents of kids on the autism spectrum, we must be aware of doing too much for our kids, because it has the opposite effect of empowerment and self-reliance. The opposite would be disenfranchisement and dependency. In order to help your son feel more capable, (a) utilize a concept called “active engagement,” (b) foster the development of curiosity, and (b) model the idea that obstacles are actually “learning opportunities.”
The effects of active engagement (e.g., giving your child a special chore to do - that only he does - in which he’s considered the “expert” with that chore) are in fact neurological. Research shows that the sights and sounds of enriched environments cause dendrites to form neural pathways that are called “magic trees of the mind.” The data reveal that a curious mind, stimulated to further inquiry, makes the central cortex thicker, activating the brain to further enhance learning (Smith, 1995).
Moms and dads can foster curiosity in their AS or HFA youngster and lay the framework for thinking and questioning. When the child’s mind is questioning everything, his body is active, his hands are into things, and he is helped to achieve the highest cognitive development possible.
Parents work with their youngster to develop critical thinking skills (a) when the family plays games like chess, checkers, or Clue; (b) when a mystery story has been read and the child guesses who did it; (c) when the family watches a TV show, and the child is asked what the big message was; and (d) when they have her look at photos or drawings and piece together what could be going on.
In addition, programs such as HyperStudio allows the child to draw, photograph, speak, and scan objects from the Internet – and to make worthwhile multimedia presentations that simultaneously use and develop many skills.
You can also empower your child with AS or HFA to view difficulties as challenges and to know that she has a lot going for her and a team behind her. When parents can adopt a “problem-solving mode” rather than always providing the answers, it helps their child feel competent (e.g., “Let’s figure out where we can find the information we need instead of doling out the right answer much of the time.” “What can we do about this?” “What options do we have?” …etc.).
Parenting kids with AS and HFA requires a lot of problem-solving. In addition, parents need to help turn their youngster into an outstanding problem-solver as well. Learning when to ask for help and who to ask, grappling with adversity, and figuring out strategies that work for him are critical life-skills that the youngster must learn – and will help him feel competent.
More ways to help your AS or HFA child to feel competent:
• Another great way to instill feelings of competency in your child is to encourage her to take on tasks she shows interest in, and then make sure she follows through to completion. It doesn’t matter what the interest is. It can be anything from beating levels in video games to Karate. The point is for your child to stick with what she starts so she feels that sense of achievement in the end.
• Don’t over-praise your child. Over-praising does more harm than good. Feeling competent comes from feeling loved and secure. Being competent means becoming good at things, and that takes time and effort. You can’t praise your child into competency. We you over-praise, you are lowering the bar. If you keep telling your youngster that he is already doing a great job, you’re saying he no longer needs to push himself. But feelings of competency come from doing, from trying and failing – and trying again.
• Allow your youngster to take healthy risks. You may have to force yourself to stand back and allow her to make mistakes rather than charging in to rescue. To build competency in the world, your child will need to take chances, make choices, and take responsibility for those choices.
• Lastly, allow your child to make her own choices. When she makes her own age-appropriate choices, she will feel more confident. Children as young as 2 can start considering the consequences of their decisions.
Feeling competent refers to a global affirmation of self. When an AS or HFA child feels competent, he is able to embrace ALL facets of himself – not just the positive parts. He accepts himself unconditionally. He can recognize his weaknesses and limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with his ability to fully accept himself – and to feel empowered and self-reliant in other areas of his life.
