Learn How To Get Reluctant Asperger's Children To Attend School Regularly

"School refusal" warning signs -- and what parents can do to help: 

Aspergers Children and School Refusal

Dishonesty or Fantasy: Which One Is Your ASD Child Engaging In?

“I catch my son (age 4, level 1 autistic) in a lie quite often. But when I confront him and try to get to the truth of the matter, he will vehemently insist that he is NOT lying. Arguing with him over the particular issue at the time is both exhausting and pointless. So, when he gets punished for lying, it has no lasting benefit (since he evidently doesn’t believe he has lied). So here we go again with yet another lie. I’m lost on what to do here. He’s either an expert at deceit, or blind to what the truth is and what fiction is. Any suggestions on how to handle this will be greatly appreciated.”

Children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s (AS) often confuse their parent by the quantity/quality of their dishonesty and by the fact that traditional disciplinary methods don't change the behavior. For young people on the spectrum, it will be helpful for parents to think less in terms of “dishonesty” and more in terms of "fantasizing" (i.e., the child will say what he wants to be true, rather than what is really true).



Fantasizing disguised at lying happens for several reasons. Here are just a few:

1. The “parent-pleaser” factor: The HFA or AS child knows that the truth may make his parents angry, and he wants to please them. If he has done something wrong (e.g., due to impulsivity, compulsive behavior, self-protective behavior, language processing problems, motor planning problems, etc.), he may try to make it right by telling his parents what he thinks they want to hear.

2. The “lack of awareness” factor: The child simply doesn't know what is true. If she behaves impulsively, she may not have an awareness of what she has done. Also, if she has problems with language processing, she may not understand what was asked or expected.

3. The “confusing reality with fiction” factor: The child can’t distinguish between wishful thinking and reality. What is objective to the parents may be subjective to him. If one truth is as good as another, he may select the one that seems (in his mind) to best fit the situation.

4. The “inability to predict cause-and-effect” factor: The HFA or AS child can't forecast the outcomes of her behavior. For example, she throws a rock and breaks a window. Her blameworthiness in the act seems clear-cut to the parents. However, if the child has trouble with the relationship between cause and effect, she may not be able to make the connection between throwing a rock and breaking a window. In her mind, intentionality is a factor. In other words, if she didn't intend to do it, she didn't do it.

5. The “it’s true for me” factor: The child is telling “his” truth. Due to his disorder, he often experiences the world very differently as compared to his parents. But, that does not make his experience “false.” If he persistently, frantically clings to an assertion that the parents feel is false (e.g., the water is too hot, this chore is too hard, my toy can't be found, etc.), parents should ask themselves if it might be only false to them.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. The “anxiety” factor: The child is stressed. If parents know that their youngster can't think calmly and clearly when stress levels are high, then they shouldn’t be surprised if they see a lot of senseless, immovable dishonesty in that situation.

7. The “it’s my way to contribute to the conversation” factor: The child is simply trying to join in the discussion. If she has limited life experiences or a limited vocabulary, she may want to have something to say, but no real contribution to make. Coming up with a tale (however imaginary or fabricated) may seem to her like the only way to participate.

If the HFA or AS youngster has genuine “special needs” that leads him or her to tell “wishful half-truths” rather than the real truth, parents should think carefully before handing out punishment for dishonesty. Of course, the youngster needs to know that he/she should be honest at all times, but if the dishonesty is not deliberate, punishment teaches nothing.

When parents catch their youngster being “dishonest” (in their mind), they should ask themselves if the child is doing so with malice and intent. If not, they should try putting more honesty in their child’s fantasizing. Tell the child what you think happened instead of demanding an explanation. If he says, "I don't know," then take that as an honest answer. Stay as composed and rational as possible when getting to the truth of the situation. Respect your youngster's reality, and be open to negotiation. Also, tell more truth than fiction yourself.




How can you tell if your HFA or AS child is being dishonest, or simply fantasizing?

Pay close attention to your youngster's behavior, and you should be able to tell if he or she is being dishonesty. For example:

1. Watch the body language. Kids who are being dishonesty are more likely to appear nervous and defensive (e.g., hunched shoulders, stiff body or face, repeatedly touching the nose or mouth, avoiding eye contact, etc.). The child who is nervous when telling a particular story may be fibbing.

2. Look at your child’s facial expression. The child who is telling the truth has a relaxed face that usually shows an emotion that matches what she is saying. However, if she is being dishonest, her face may show anxiety caused by knowing that she is fibbing.

3. Stories that are made up often contain inconsistencies or elements that don't make sense. Parts of the story may not sound believable. If parents suspect that their child is being dishonest, they can ask him to repeat what he just said. Honest stories told two times in a row will usually be the same, but stories that contain lies often change dramatically or contain accounts that can’t both be true.

4. Decide whether or not your child’s story sounds rehearsed or spontaneous. Kids who are being honest will usually tell it "off the cuff" (i.e., the story will sound like a fresh recounting of an actual event). Conversely, a fib may sound stilted or rehearsed. Some kids may even repeat the exact same phrase when telling a rehearsed story the second time.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

How to help the HFA or AS child who DOES lie: 

• Always model “telling the truth.”
• Avoid lectures and quick irrational decisions (e.g., “If you lie again, you'll be grounded to your room for a week!”).
• Do not accept excuses for lying. Lying is never acceptable.
• HFA and AS kids need to understand the hurtful consequences of lying, and when possible, should apologize for it.
• Kids often lie to keep their parent happy. Thus, they need to know that the parent values the truth much more than a small act of misbehavior.
• Let your child know that you are disappointed in his behavior, but bring him up before you bring him down (e.g., "It’s not like you to lie about your homework, you're usually very good at getting things done and staying on top of things").
• Logical consequences need to be in place for lying.
• Praise the truth! Catch your child telling the truth at a time when you know she would like to sugar-coat a situation.
• Role-play the potential devastating consequences of lying.
• The child should be part of the solution and/or the consequences. Ask her what she is prepared to give - or do - as a result of the lie.
• Through role-playing, teach your youngster the value of telling the truth. 
• Give a warning regarding future instances of lying. For example, “In the future, if you choose to lie, you will also choose the consequence, which is __________ (fill in the blank with an appropriate consequence, such as the loss of a valued privilege).”

When dealing with HFA and AS children, it’s important for parents to understand the difference between “The Truth” and “subjective truth.” Much of the time, parents of special needs kids are dealing with the latter. Something that parents may consider as true may not necessarily be considered true by their child – and vice-versa. So, when you are uncertain whether or not your youngster is being honest, don’t simply jump to conclusions and accusations. Investigate first! See if you can figure out how - and why - your child is “making sense” in the way he or she is.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

How to Handle Non-Compliant Children on the Autism Spectrum

Learn 9 crucial interventions that are especially helpful for resolving non-compliance in Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic children...



Click here for the article: Noncompliant Behavior in Children with Asperger's and HFA

Learn the Difference Between Behavior Problems and Food Allergies

Is your son or daughter with Asperger’s (High-Functioning Autism) often defiant and easily frustrated? If so, have you simply labeled your child's behavior as mere disobedience - and reprimanded him or her accordingly? You may be nagging up the wrong tree.

In this post, you will discover the critical issues associated with allergy-related behavioral problems, such as digestive function, how your child's doctor can test for food allergies, and how you can eliminate the cause.

As one mother stated, “I am a firm believer that diet affects our Asperger’s children. I have had mine on a low- gluten diet for 2 months now & he is a very different child!!! He is happy, more attentive & is interacting well w/ peers. Temper is also MUCH better & easier to control. I opted for low-gluten because he is only 6, and ADHD med he is on decreases his appetite already, making him very small for his age. Even this small change in his diet has helped tremendously!!”

Click here for the full article ==> Misbehavior or Food Allergy?

Management Strategies for Employers with Employees on the Autism Spectrum

Do you have a person working for you who has Asperger’s (high functioning autism)? And, are you experiencing some issues in dealing with him or here?

Some of the difficulties that employees on the autism spectrum encounter include the following:

• atypical body movements (e.g., fidgeting)
• decreased concentration due to environmental distractions
• difficulty communicating with co-workers or supervisors
• difficulty exhibiting typical social skills on the job
• difficulty managing stress in the workplace
• difficulty managing time
• difficulty performing many tasks at one time
• difficulty recognizing faces
• difficulty understanding abstract concepts (e.g., corporate structure, hierarchies of responsibility, reporting requirements)
• memory deficits that can affect their ability to complete tasks, remember job duties, or recall daily actions or activities

Here are several important accommodation ideas that will help you get the most out of your “special needs” employee: 

 ==> Employing Older Teens and Young Adults with Aspergers

Learn the Complexities of Teaching Students on the Autism Spectrum

If you’re a teacher or home-schooler with an Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) student, here are some crucial classroom accommodations for the following traits associated with AS and HFA:

• Poor Motor Coordination
• Academic Difficulties
• Emotional Vulnerability
• Impairment in Social Interaction 
• Restricted Range of Interests
• Insistence on Sameness
• Poor Concentration

Click here for the full article ==> Teaching Children and Teens with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism

15 Parenting Secrets for Raising Difficult Children on the Spectrum

“Is anyone else having a hard time coping with their autistic (high functioning) child? My son, Aiden, is almost 6, and he is very difficult to understand and reprimand. He has been diagnosed with ADHD too. I'm not sure about the ADHD ...I see him with more of "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" with a dash of autism. My husband has a bit of this same issue ...so he and Aiden have major trouble communicating. I’m stuck in the middle. The situation between my son and my husband, and my son and myself is extremely grueling and it is affecting our health and our marriage. Aiden’s older sister is affected as well. Of course we do love our son ....just can't figure out a way to reduce the enormous family stress we are all feeling now! Help!!”

Welcome to the club. Raising a youngster with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) will take a few "tricks of the trade" that parents wouldn't need to have "up their sleeve" were they raising a "neurotypical" (i.e., non-autistic) son or daughter.

If you are at your “wits end” and need a few fresh parenting strategies in dealing with behavioral problems, then read on…

1. Don’t believe it when your HFA or AS youngster seems unaffected by discipline. Young people on the autism spectrum often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Parents must be persistent with their planned discipline, and consider themselves successful by keeping their “parenting plan” in place. When your son pretends a particular consequence doesn’t bother him, you may be tempted to give up on it, which reinforces his disobedience. Remember, moms and dads can only control their actions, not their youngster’s reactions.

2. Don’t just tell your son the correct way to do something – have him rehearse it too. For example, if he has a habit of slamming the kitchen cabinet after reaching for a snack, have him put the snack back in the cabinet and, this time, close it less forcefully. Then reward him with acknowledgement and praise.



3. Notice and appreciate even small instances of teamwork from your HFA child.  Create as many opportunities for positive reinforcement as possible. For instance, if you're working on a household chore, ask your son to hand you the dust rag. When he does what you ask, thank him specifically for his willingness to help out. If he doesn't, simply move on without comment. The goal here is to make your request so easy that he will comply without even thinking about it. Then, for just a second, he will experience the positive feelings associated with being compliant, which will make it more likely that he will comply with tougher requests in the future.

4. Become a “transition coach.” Most HFA and AS kids have difficulty with transitions (e.g., moving from one activity or location to the next). Thus, as your child’s personal coach, (1) discuss well in advance what is expected from him, and (2) have him repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to. Some children need to negotiate for that "can I please have one more minute?" A little extra patience on your part will help avoid a useless tantrum or meltdown.  

CLICK HERE for more information on helping with transitions. 

5. Many parents of “special needs” children are indecisive about what course of action to take. After all, many traditional parenting techniques backfire when used on autistic kids. Thus, the parent may jump from one parenting strategy to the next without giving any one strategy enough time to be successful. Or, the parent may try a new strategy once and then give up in frustration because it didn’t work. How many times have you said something like, “I’ve tried everything – and nothing works with this child”? So, don’t make the mistake of floating from one parenting tool to another without sticking with one specific tool for a significant period of time. If a particular tool only works 50% of the time, that’s the same as cutting a behavior problem in half (not bad!).

6. Actively look for opportunities to model humility. You probably already know that your son copies some of your behaviors and phrases you use often. So, why not use that to your advantage. When you are wrong, quickly admit this to him. This will demonstrate (a) making amends and (b) that it’s safe to make mistakes. Admitting your mistakes teaches your youngster to respect others. If you’ll do this techniques often, don’t be surprised to hear him sounding exactly like you someday soon (e.g., “I’m sorry mom. I know you told me to feed the cat, but I forgot”).

7. How many times have you said something to your child like, “There you go again – making a big mess.” This downloads in his brain as “I’m a messy person.” As a result, he will continue to be messy as if it were a prescribed behavior. But, you can use this phenomenon to your advantage by employing “reverse psychology.” For instance, “That’s not like you …you’re able to do much better than that.” This line works because your child will live up to – or down to – your expectations. Also, this phrase downloads in your child’s mind as “I am capable.”

8. Frequently use humor to deal with family stress. For instance, one mother of an Asperger’s child would always start singing MC Hammer’s hit song (one of her son’s favorites) entitled “U Can’t Touch This” whenever her son began to muster-up the energy for a tantrum. In many instances, this would throw him off course and short-circuit the tantrum.

9. Don’t fight every battle that comes down the pike – and NEVER try to fight multiple battles at once. HFA and AS kids don't readily comply, so the more requests you issue, the more the opportunities for them to get stuck. Divide the things you want your son to do into 3 classes: Class 1 includes a few mandatory rules, which are usually about safety (e.g., put on your seat belt, don’t hit your sister, no playing with matches, etc.). Class 2 includes issues in which you are willing to negotiate (e.g., a slightly later bed time). Class 3 includes rules that aren't worth causing an argument over (e.g., when your son complains moderately about having to do a chore, yet he complies).

10. When it comes to getting your child to do chores, consider the "hiring a substitute" technique. He can choose to hire someone to do his chore (e.g., by paying a wage of 50 cents he has saved from an allowance), or mutually agree to trade chores with his sister.

When it comes to getting your child to do homework, CLICK HERE for some very crucial suggestions. 

11. Understand that the same discipline may not work in all situations because of the unique features of HFA and AS. For example, your child may be having a particularly bad day, and may have a tantrum or meltdown when a privilege is taken away for misbehavior, whereas on a typical day he may respond well. Also, try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline.

12. Always remember that HFA and AS children need – and want – structure. In many cases, these children are actually starved for structure, because it helps them feel safe. Having a clear understanding of “the rules of the game” (i.e., what is - and is not - acceptable behavior, the rewards for proper behavior, and the consequences for misbehavior) circumvents confusion and frustration. Write these rules down and post them. In addition, remember that rules have no value for kids on the spectrum unless they are backed up by immediate, yet short-term consequences.





13. One of the worst things you can say to your HFA son is, "If you do that one more time, you’re going to _______ (insert consequence)." He may be irresistibly drawn to do just that, either because you've set an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've just said. Instead of specifying “one more time,” say something such as, "I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to know what that number is. But, when you hit that number, you going to get a consequence." This gives your child a few extra chances if he seems to be trying without going back on a threat, and it gives him a little leeway to know that he can slip-up a time or two.

14. Social stories are great for helping HFA and AS children with their inherent social skills deficits. Because one of the traits of the disorder is the inability to interact normally in social situations, social stories can be employed in a variety of ways in order to model appropriate behavior. Through the use of engaging stories, these young people can learn appropriate and inappropriate responses to situations. The story should be specifically tailored to the individual youngster. By modeling situations familiar to your son, he can be better prepared to react in a socially appropriate way to those same situations in the future.

Social stories typically have 3 clear-cut ways of addressing a particular situation: The first describes who, what, where and why in relation to the situation. The second is a “perspective sentence” that explains how others react to the situation being discussed. And, the third sentence attempts to model an appropriate response. Social stories can be accompanied by music and pictures. Also, rewards can be used when a situation is properly addressed.  

CLICK HERE for more information on how to create social stories.

15. When it comes to dealing with your son’s meltdowns, think of him as a train with an “anxiety speedometer.” When that speedometer reaches 80 mph, it’s going to take a long long time to stop that train. Your goal is to keep him from coming anywhere close to 80 mph. Let’s say, for example, you enter the room when your son is at an anxiety level of 55 mph. The stress of a current situation is getting to him. In this case, you will want to slow that train down before it gathers momentum. Laugh, divert, distract, negotiate, or anything else you can think of – and the speedometer should come down to 30 mph (assuming you have skillfully camouflaged your intervention).  

CLICK HERE for more information on dealing with tantrums and meltdowns.

Parents of kids with HFA and AS face many problems that other parents don’t. These “special needs” young people are emotionally more immature than their “typical” peers. They may be indifferent - or even hostile - to their parents’ concerns. They often get punished for “misbehavior” when the behavior in question was really related to sensory sensitivities (or some other autism-related trait) that are out of their control. However, by implementing some of the ideas listed above, moms and dads can reduce – and in many cases, eliminate – many of the severe behavioral problems that exist today.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...