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Dealing with Negative Emotions Associated with Parenting an ASD Child

When parents first discover that their child has an Autism Spectrum Disorder, they may experience an emotional struggle that looks something like this...



 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

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COMMENTS:

Jane said: You learn more from them than you teach. You will grieve the loss of the So called perfect child you thought you would have many times, but once you know and accept that you were never entitled to a perfect child in the first place, you love them for who they are. They've got you, and who's to say they aren't asking God, "Why did you give me these parents?"😉

Kari said: I agree 100%. I have no patience for people who are insensitive to people with special needs and I would rather have my unique and kind child rather than a perfectly functioning bully. That is what I always came back to when I would worry for her.I would like her life to be perfect but if I have learned one thing through all of teach successes and fails we have as parents, it is that life isn'the perfect and we just have to keep moving forward.
By

Children on the Autism Spectrum Who Wander Off

“I have pulled my son back from walking into the road numerous times. He is aware of the danger but he shuts off and hyper focus's on his thoughts to block out sensory stuff which makes him oblivious to his surroundings. Also, he will disappear from our fenced in backyard [thru the gate] and wonder down the street on those rare occasions that I go in the house for literally a minute or two. I CANNOT take my eyes off of him for a second! How can one keep this child from wondering off like this? Suggestions?”

Research reveals that about 50% of kids on the autism spectrum run off at least once. Many have been gone long enough to cause parents to report their child missing to authorities, and some have tried to wander off multiple times. The most common places these kids wander from are their homes, schools, or a store. 

There are several reasons why kids on the spectrum wander off (e.g., seeking a place they enjoy, trying to find a place they can go to avoid an uncomfortable situation, impulsivity, feeling stress or sensory overload, anxiety, etc.). It has been suggested that wandering off may be the leading cause of death among these young people. Drowning appears to be the most common among these casualties.



For moms and dads who have a “wandering” youngster on the autism spectrum, here are a few precautions to ensure his or her safety: 

1. DNA registration can be a useful tool for identification. Some companies will store your youngster’s DNA for up to 18 years.

2. Locator technology is another useful tool. There are GPS devices that kids can wear which will help parents locate their lost youngster.  For example, the EmSeeQ locator band is a watch-like device that uses cell phone technology. Other security companies offer a variety of options to help parents keep track of their youngster.

3. Having a youngster on the autism spectrum forces parents to “think out-of-the-box.” Thus, try to understand your youngster’s motivation for wandering off, and then try to find a safer way to meet that desire. For example, many children on the spectrum have a fascination with water. So, if your child has wondered off to the pond near home, then possibly a kiddy pool in the back yard would meet his need to explore water.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

4. Keep your house safeguarded.  For example, set up sensor motion lights around the periphery of your home, set alarms that notify you when someone opens a door or window, and make sure your child’s bedroom is close to yours.

5. Keep a diary of places that your youngster has shown an interest in. Think of specific convenience stores, neighborhood friends’ residences, parks, playgrounds, streams/ponds/lakes, and other places your youngster seems to gravitate to.

6. Use the “stay within my reach” rule. When your child prefers to walk without holding your hand in potentially unsafe zones (e.g.. in a parking lot, at the mall or grocery, on sidewalks, crossing the street, etc.), let him know that’s fine as long as he stays close enough to you such that you can reach out and grab him if needed. Also, let him know that if he violates this rule at any point, you will have to hold his hand for a count of 30, and then try again. This models how to practice self-control, which is a very important concept for children on the autism spectrum. To reinforce compliance with this rule, tap your child on the shoulder every few minutes (if he is being successful with following the rule) and say, “I can still reach you. I appreciate you staying close by my.”

7. Use the “stay within talking distance” rule. When your child prefers to walk without holding your hand in rather safe places (e.g., at the park, on hiking trails, along the beach, down long hallways, etc.), let her know that’s o.k. as long as she stays within vocal range (however, if you have to scream loudly to get her attention, that’s too far!). If she violates this rule at any point, then revert back to the “stay within my reach” rule for a period of 3-5 minutes, then try again.

8. Register the youngster for proper ID through the local police department. Some police departments are set up to receive vital information for kids on the autism spectrum in case they need to refer to it.

9. Advise your neighbors of your child’s wandering tendencies. Tell them to feel free to notify you if they see something or if they see your youngster running away.  Also, tell them not take anything for granted.

10. Advise the school, too. When teachers and other staff interact with your youngster, make sure they emphasize that wandering off is dangerous. In addition, ask your child’s teachers if they would educate him or her on some basic identification facts (e.g., his or her address, the school he or she attends, parent’s cell phone number, etc.).

Have plenty of patience on hand as your youngster learns the importance of not wandering off. No doubt, there will be times when the child with a history of wandering tests the boundaries. In those cases, remind him of the danger, as well as the punishment that will be implemented (e.g., grounding with no privileges).


 
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's 


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  He's 9 and has mostly stopped it. No more wandering, but he does still occasionally worry me with the bolting when he gets very overwhelmed.
•    Anonymous said… All the time!!
•    Anonymous said… As a much younger child, though, he was prone, always, when noise levels went up to just set off running in a random direction; sometimes that turned into climbing if the opportunity arose, and we'd find our three year old on top of an eight-foot stone wall.
•    Anonymous said… even now as a teenager, he'll wonder off if I'm not paying close attention.
•    Anonymous said… Functioning Labels are misleading and rigid. How a person is impacted is a more fluid, accurate representation. A person can slip into different impaction zones (mild/moderate/severe) based on mood, location, or health.
•    Anonymous said… He has stopped, probably after age 7. Wasn't necessarily bolting to, but bolting away from something with no thought of where he was headed. Any type of large group settings (school, summer day camp, Sunday School) until he got comfortable. My older, not diagnosed, son did too with things like fireworks. He bolted for the gate at Disney World when the afternoon fireworks at the castle went off.
•    Anonymous said… In autistic children it's called fight/flight and it's due to their anxiety escalating. When my son runs it can be very dangerous. We never chase him. We follow from a distance and keep him in eyesight.  The best thing to do is to watch for triggers and use calming techniques. For example if our son is adverting eye contact, rocking on his heels swaying back and forth or wringing his hands...these are all signs that he is considering to run. We will start try to decompress by talking in low calming voices. We will also use a weighted blanket. If he's resistant we stop talking altogether and try deep breathing.  If he runs out of our subdivision we call 911. What's important when calling is to identify your child is autistic to the dispatcher. We actually contacted our local sheriff department and they already have a summary profile that pulls up on their computers about our son. It provides them information about him that will help when they are handling him. Seek medical help, there are medications that can help decrease your child's anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… It seemed frequent between ages of 5-7? Not as much now. He's 9.
•    Anonymous said… It was actually a diagnostic question for admission to a specialty Aspergers school: "fight or flight?"
•    Anonymous said… My 5 year old ran out into the road, I was just behind him but a lovely woman tried to stop and help and he thought she was kidnapping him so he's never done it since but his lack of impulse control makes it a risk. Unfortunately that rules him out of school trips unless I can attend to take responsibility.
•    Anonymous said… My almost 9 yr old with recently diagnosed autism level 1, chased leaves into the road, and he also never uses a sidewalk. He is always walking in the grass between the road and sidewalk.
•    Anonymous said… my aspergers son is 15 and he has never done anything like that. I always feel for people who deal with that. The worst he has done is kicked holes in his bedroom wall when he was younger. Extremely stubborn though and the shutdown is hard but luckily nothing crazy.
•    Anonymous said… my child stays exactly where I say to. Thankful I haven't had to exp that and I'm sorry you have. My child acts like an adult who likes to stay put at home.
•    Anonymous said… My HFA Aspergers son who is 11 runs when he is scared, mad, or hears loud noises. It is scary because he just runs with no awareness of his surroundings
•    Anonymous said… my son 7 was just diagnosed aftet 3 yrs. He ran away from school when they were at recess. They caught him before he left the parking lot. At home he says hell run away and i keep an eye on our doors. When we go for walks and stuff he insist on walking in the middle of the road or in peoples yard.
•    Anonymous said… My son did when he was younger, what was worse is he wasn't scared of being hit by a car because he believed he had super powers. We locked the doors and put the key up high
•    Anonymous said… My son has yet to receive a diagnosis (red tape). He has only darted out in front of a car to escape a wasp.
•    Anonymous said… My son is (in)famous for being the first child in 33 years to "escape" from the local community art school at age 6 1/2-7. The class meant his lunch schedule was off, and he was hungry, so he decided, during a moment when the teacher was out of the room gathering materials, he was going to walk home. He walked out of the class, out of the campus gate, and was about 2/3rds of the 2-mile way home--accurately, in spite of several turns--when one of the seven staff members scrambling to look for him caught up. Everyone was terrified because the school was on the edge of a lake; except me. I knew as soon as they contacted me where he was probably going and that he was probably doing just fine, so as long as I didn't let myself imagine something actively sinister, his sense of direction was so impressive I assumed I could just head to my house and wait.
•    Anonymous said… My son is five and he threatens to walk out of school.
•    Anonymous said… My son is only 5 but yes all of the time. I'm constantly aware of what he is doing and ready to grab him because he can disappear very quickly.
•    Anonymous said… my son used to do that, apparently he is not aspergic, but suffers from sensory overload. And my stepson who is still awaiting to be statemented if the council don't lose the paperwork again.
•    Anonymous said… My son was home alone, had a meltdown and ran. I was very fortunate that only a few doors down, he got it together and came back home. I had already called the police and they checked on him. He has also tried to run from school during a meltdown but was talked down by a police officer he knew. He has a special bond with officers since both my husband and I are former officers. The school went berserk and escorted him everywhere last year. We started this year on a clean slate and so far so good.
•    Anonymous said… My son was the resident escape artist at his school when aged 5-8. I repeatedly explained to the teachers that he was a runner and they would have to learn to shut the school gates. That leaving furniture around he could climb was also a big no-no. The message didn't sink in. He found every escape route possible. Open school gates, closed farm gates, 6 foot pool gates, double locked doors (they only placed the door handles 2 foot apart so one hand on each handle and he was out). I would get phone calls to say they had to get in the car to look for him. Having a photographic memory he would run the back roads home whilst they looked for him on the main road. They would find him over 1km from school. Parents passing would find him in the local pony club and report his whereabouts to the school. BUT he did grow out of it and at 11 he is still alive having managed to not get himself run over in the process.
•    Anonymous said… My son who is non verbal autistic is known for his running. We had to fence around our whole house and we don't go anywhere unless know he is secure either with his harness or inside a buggy. We had belts that I wore and he wore that were connected as well. There have been times still that he got away from me. I have horrid nightmares about him getting away and getting hurt.
•    Anonymous said… My would just leave and when the police found her for me she would have no reason as to why she left, she just wanted to leave but would eventually come back.
•    Anonymous said… No but in a public place he will wonder off to be alone.
•    Anonymous said… Terrifyingly,on many occasions, somehow we survived into adulthood, able to drive, catch flights and use public transport although even that is less straightforward than one would like.
•    Anonymous said… That is why he is never unattended. Ever.
•    Anonymous said… that's why we have the Gizmo watch phone now. It allows us to track her. She can call only 4 numbers on the phone. It's been very handy. She feels independent and the wandering off has stopped. Also the best part: when I call: it auto picks up and I can talk and she has to listen.
•    Anonymous said… Twice, law enforcement searched.
•    Anonymous said… When he was little ... All the time
•    Anonymous said… When my son was around 8 he bolted through a pasture full of horses & cows. I was afraid he was gonna get trampled!
•    Anonymous said… every time it was because of anxiety. My son did this a lot when he was younger. He's now 16 and we don't have the issue. We've also worked hard to prepare him for change and limit his anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… Yes and he got sooo grounded. He took off a few times last year he hasnt done it since.
•    Anonymous said… until around 4. Had to have a whole shop shut down once as he managed to unclip himself from the stroller and was found hiding amongst the clothes rails...I died a million times in those minutes.
•    Anonymous said… Yes with fire! Would never learn it was hot
•    Anonymous said… He was a runner when he was 4-5 years old.
•    Anonymous said… No sense of danger. Fear is not an emotion he possesses.
•    Anonymous said… When I was younger because I did not want to be at school. Not anymore.

Please post your comment below...
By

Teaching Your ASD Child "How To Be A Good Friend"

Many children on the autism spectrum tend to have an Avoidant/Anxious attachment style in which they typically repress the desire to seek comfort from their parents or other caretakers when scared, distraught, or in pain. Instead, they rely heavily on self-soothing behaviors as a way to deal with such uncomfortable emotions. For example:
  • rocking
  • pacing
  • twirling hair
  • sucking thumbs and various objects
  • hitting or head banging
  • pulling hair, eyebrows or lashes
  • picking skin or nose
  • grinding teeth
  • cracking knuckles
  • biting nails, lips, cheeks, pencils, etc.

Even at a very young age, many Avoidant/Anxious kids tend to be independent “little adults,” relying very little on others for help. Unfortunately, their tendency to be self-sufficient and unsociable can leave parents feeling a bit rejected. Furthermore, the fact that they rarely demonstrate a desire for warmth, love, closeness or affection tends to discourage support from parents – and even siblings. Many moms and dads have reported that their High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) child is often aloof and doesn’t like to be touched or hugged.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

As these children enter school, many appear to be more aggressive, hostile and emotionally isolated than their “typical” peers. On the playground, they may be the students who bully their classmates. As teenagers, they tend to be disliked by both peers and educators. Also, they are less emotionally involved with their parents and siblings.

Perhaps the saddest aspect of this attachment style is that these children have great difficulty in finding and keeping friends. This is often due to the fact that they lack an understanding of basic social skills, don’t know what to say or do around their peers, withdraw from others and choose to spend time alone rather than run the risk of trying to “connect,” and decide that staying to oneself is the less painful option. Many parents report that their HFA child prefers to play alone. In addition, these children often annoy their peers by butting-in during games, interrupting conversations, rambling on about their special interest or favorite topic, cut in line, make rude comments (with no intention of being rude), and so on.

Some children with an Avoidant/Anxious attachment style are significantly “asocial” (i.e., they lack the motivation to engage in social interaction, have a preference for solitary activities, have limited social expressiveness, have low sensitivity to social cues, emotions, and pragmatic use of language). Asocial tendencies become acutely noticeable in these kids from a young age due to deficits in crucial social development skills (e.g., social and emotional reciprocity, eye-to-eye gaze, gestures, normal facial expressions and body posture, sharing enjoyment and interests with others, etc.). Some of these young people really want to be social, but fail to socialize successfully, which can lead to later withdrawal and asocial behavior – particularly in the teenage years.

Friendship skills come fairly easily to “typical” kids. But, unfortunately for children on the autism spectrum, these skills must be taught. If you have a child on the autism spectrum, then you have a child who is socially and emotionally immature. Thus, parents must coach their child in social and friendship skills. In order to find and keep friends, your child must cultivate the skills to BE a “good” friend. Then – and only then – will he or she attract peers and turn the relationship into a friendship.


Here are a few tips for how parents can coach their autistic child on how to be a good friend:

1. Be a good role model. Try to find a lot of opportunities for your child to observe you being nice to someone (e.g., having a casual conversation with a stranger in the line at the grocery).

2. Give your youngster the words and behaviors to enter into - and exit - others’ play group (e.g., “If you want to join in the game that they are playing, then ask ‘can I play too’.”). Also, give him the words and behaviors to include other peers in his play group (e.g., “Would you like to play with us?”).

3. Help your child to be a “behavior observer.” Teach him to pay attention to the actions of other kids as they relate to one another (e.g., at the park, playing a board game, etc.). Then discuss with him what was observed and what things demonstrated good friendship skills (e.g., “Did you notice that Michael is being good about waiting for his turn?”), as well as the things that did NOT demonstrate these skills (e.g., “Did you see Sarah jerk that toy away from Carlie? That’s not being a very good friend.”).

4. Help your child to recognize what traits HE wants in his friends (e.g., someone who shares, plays fair, doesn’t push or hit, doesn’t call people bad names, etc.).

5. Help your youngster to develop the ability to observe the impact of his behavior on others (e.g., “I noticed that when you called your friend ‘stupid’, she looked like her feelings were hurt.).

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

6. Let your child witness you spending time with YOUR friends.

7. Notice and acknowledge successes. In order to help your youngster see when he is using good friendship skills, comment specifically on what he does in his friendships that shows he cares (e.g., “When Kayla fell down and hurt her leg, you offered to help her up and took her to a chair so she could to sit down. That’s you being a good friend!”).

8. Watch movies and read books about friendship.

9. Role play how to be a good friend.

10. Lastly, post the following (with pictures if possible) in a very prominent place (e.g. refrigerator door):

I am a good friend because...

•    I am reliable
•    I do kind things for my friends
•    I use kind language with my friends
•    I like to have fun with my friends
•    I help out when my friends are sad or have a problem
•    I like spending time with my friends
•    I remember my friends’ birthdays
•    I like to share with my friends

In a worst case scenario, the HFA child wants so desperately to “fit-in” with his peer group, but fails miserably – time and time again – due to the lack of skills in this area. As a result, he “gives up” and even has a pervasive sense of anxiety about ever trying again. He simply avoids “connecting” to friends as a way to cope with feelings of rejection.

If your best efforts to help your child “be a good friend” fall short, a mental health professional can design a treatment plan that is appropriate for the child who exhibits an Avoidant/Anxious attachment style. Treatments vary, but they will likely include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). If a co-existing condition (e.g., depression, anxiety, etc.) is also diagnosed, appropriate medications can be used.

Share with your child:


 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


Does your AS or HFA child's behavior confuse and frustrate you? Have you often wondered how his mind works? Are you frequently stressed-out due to your child's meltdowns and tantrums? Do you feel that you have wasted a lot of time and energy trying to get him to change?

Then listen to this: Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism.
By

Parenting High-Functioning Autistic Children


Announcing our new Facebook support group:

==>  Parenting High-Functioning Autistic Children <==

This is a support group and educational resource for parents raising children on the "high functioning" end of the autism spectrum (i.e., HFA, Asperger's).

Join Today!
By

Helping Non-Autistic Children Cope with Their Asperger’s or HFA Sibling

"What suggestions have you tried regarding helping the siblings of your autistic child to have more compassion. When they try to play with our autistic child, it always ends badly as he has to make up and enforce a set of rules for whatever game they are playing at the time - so we are in the position of having to keep them apart."

As a mother or father, you want to give all your kids equal attention. But when parenting a youngster with Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA), that can be difficult. Your “special needs” youngster has more challenges and obstacles – and may take more of your time. As a result, your other children may begin to feel left out.

In addition to feeling left out, siblings of an AS or HFA youngster may experience the following:
  • trying to make up for the deficits of their sibling
  • frustration over not being able to engage – or relate to – their sibling
  • embarrassment around friends
  • concern regarding their parents’ anxiety
  • concern over their role in future caretaking
  • being the target of aggressive behaviors



Due to the nature of AS and HFA, it may be tough for your non-autistic children to form a satisfying relationship with the sibling who has the condition. For instance, their attempts to play with their sibling may be rejected, may turn into a fight due to his or her lack of play skills, or may end suddenly due to his or her meltdowns and tantrums.

The parent needs to understand what the non-autistic kids may be thinking and feeling. These kids love their AS or HFA sibling. They want to understand why there are some things that he or she can’t do, and how they can help. By honestly answering their questions in an age-appropriate way, the parent can clear up any confusion, help ease worries, and give the other children a chance to help out.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

How to help your non-autistic children cope with their AS or HFA sibling:

1. Preschoolers are self-centered by nature. Your non-autistic preschooler may feel that everything is about him and what he wants — from the toy he wants to play with to the game he asks for at the mall. As a result, helping him understand why his AS or HFA sibling needs more of your time and attention can be difficult. When possible, try to spend one-on-one time with your non-autistic youngster. Even a few minutes spent watching a cartoon or allowing him to help you cook a meal can provide the quality parent-child time that he needs.

2. When your children ask about their AS or HFA sibling's disorder, explain it using simple, honest descriptions they can understand. For example, if they ask why their brother only eats chicken nuggets and fruit, you can say something such as, "He has trouble eating certain foods because he has Asperger Syndrome." If they ask, "What is that?" …state in simple terms that it's a disorder that makes certain foods taste bad.

3. Younger children tend to have a wild imagination. So, the monster in the closet is very real, and the tea at the tea party is very hot. When children have a sibling with AS or HFA, their imagination might lead them to worry that their sibling’s disorder is contagious, like the flu. Reassure them that they can’t "catch" a disorder like Asperger’s, and that nothing they did caused their sibling to have this disorder – it is nobody’s "fault."

4. Don't let your children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other, whether or not he/she has a disorder.

5. As your children start to better understand the "why" of their sibling’s diagnosis, you will probably get more complicated questions from them. For instance, for questions about their sibling’s meltdowns, your response may be: "He has trouble putting his feelings into words, so he throws things to express his feelings." Then, the next question may be, "Will he ever be able to tell us how he feels?" …to which you can answer honestly: "Yes he will, but we have to help him calm down and show him how to use words instead of acting-out. That's why he goes to his therapist.”




 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

6. Don't spend any time trying to figure out which youngster is to blame for a dispute. It takes two to argue — everyone involved is partly responsible. That includes your AS or HFA child.

7. If arguments between your AS or HFA child and his/her siblings are frequent, consider holding weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting – and review past successes in reducing conflicts.

8. At some point, your children may try to explain their AS or HFA sibling's disorder to their peers. Some of their friends may ask rude questions, make inappropriate comments, or even engage in teasing and bullying. This, of course, can leave your AS or HFA youngster feeling ashamed, hurt, or angry. Parents can help their children cope with this situation by rehearsing some conversations. For example, “If one of your friends says ‘what's wrong with your brother?’ … you can say ‘he has autism’. If your friend says ‘what’s that?’ …then you can say ‘it’s something that makes my brother act differently than we do’.”

9. Consider establishing a program where all your children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to curtail arguing and fighting.

10. Sibling rivalry occurs in all families, but in those cases where one child has “special needs” – and therefore gets “special attention” – the incidents of sibling rivalry can be more frequent and more intense. Jealousy is common, and claims that “you love him more than me” abound. After all, they may see their AS or HFA sibling occasionally being allowed to stay up later, being excused from doing chores, getting extra help with homework, not being made to eat his vegetables, and so on. Comparisons are typical, but parents can explain to their non-autistic children that while it seems unfair, their AS or HFA sibling has to have this extra help due to his disorder. As an analogy, one parent stated, “If your brother was crippled and had to have a wheel chair to get around, would you complain that he has a wheel chair and you don’t?”

11. If your kids frequently quarrel over the same things (e.g., video games, the TV remote, etc.), post a schedule showing which youngster "owns" that item at what times during the day or week. If this doesn’t work and they keep arguing about it, take the item away altogether.

12. As your children become adolescents, you may find that you rely more on them to keep an eye on their AS or HFA sibling or to help around the house. As a result, they may feel increased pressure to care for their sibling, and may even become resentful. So, try not to ask too much of your non-autistic children. Make some responsibilities (e.g., helping with homework, babysitting, etc.) a choice. This will help them feel that they have control over how much assistance they provide. For instance, you might say, "It would be great if you could help your brother with his Math homework, but if you have other plans, that's fine."

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

13. Make sure children have their own time and space to do their own thing (e.g., to enjoy activities without having to share, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, to play with toys by themselves, etc.).

14. Remember, as children deal with sibling-conflict, they also learn important skills that will serve them well later in life (e.g., how to compromise and negotiate, how to control aggressive impulses, how to value another person's perspective, etc.). So in essence, some sibling conflict is actually a good thing.

15. In some families, the sibling rivalry between the non-autistic child and his or her “special needs” sibling is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or drastically affects one or both of them psychologically and emotionally. In this case, parents should seek the assistance of a mental health professional. Get outside help if the conflict is related to other significant concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, etc.), is so severe that it's causing marital problems, is damaging to the psychological well-being or self-esteem of any family member, or creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member.

On a positive note, siblings of a youngster with AS or HFA often admit that there were many positive things that resulted from growing up with a “special needs” brother or sister. For example, they developed confidence when facing difficult challenges, learned how to handle difficult situations, and learned patience, tolerance and compassion. Research reveals that non-autistic children viewed their relationship with their AS or HFA sibling as positive when they experienced positive responses from parents and friends toward their sibling, had a good understanding of their sibling’s disorder, and had well-developed coping skills.

Moms and dads should support their non-autistic children to find ways in which they can relate to – and share an interest with – the AS or HFA youngster. By utilizing the suggestions listed above, all siblings can bond with one another and show affection by laughing and playing together.

By

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for Sept., 2016]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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My daughter is 16 and was adopted at birth. Chloe was diagnosed with aspergers around 5th grade. Since then the psychiatrists and therapists say possible ADD, depression, anxiety and the latest was bipolar 2. She was on many different meds that seemed to just not make her feel any better. She never had real friends. Now that she is a teenager all hell has broken loose. She hates us and blames us for “screwing her up” because WE made her take the medications. She is convinced she wants to live with the birth mother. She has spent some weekends with her and her 2 daughters (single mom). We think  the adoption is playing a big part in all this.  She has gotten so much worse over the past 2 years. She thinks she is fine and there is nothing wrong. Like it’s ok for her to talk to us like she does and act out. Her doctors said she needed  to be in a treatment facility. She was in one for 1 week and another for 9 days. It was awful there. Now she blames us for ruining her life even more. Thanks doctors!  Now she refuses to try any meds, runs away, and won’t talk to us unless she needs to tell us to “Fuck Off”. I am scared!!!!! She gets so angry and you can see the anxiety and hate in her eyes. She throws things. We even had the cops come one time thinking she would get scared. Nope. She has been to different schools from small charter, private, and now public high school. She actually got into fights at the end of her sophomore year. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol, but I know that’s the next step. We are now broke and our marriage is totally going downhill. There is so much more . . . we have tried to do what your book says but I know she needs more help. It seems like nobody really cares what happens to her – doctors, schools, therapists. They all talk a good game but no real answers. Health insurance is a joke. When you really need help they don’t cover it!!! We love her so much but she just says we are so fake! I pray all the time for a better tomorrow?!

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Dear Mark,
We (parents of 15 year old boy diagnosed with aspergers and BPD) recently downloaded the ebook on how to deal with meltdowns and behavior problems.

In the last week, it seems like he had had a manic episode as per the doctors
we went to and he has performed an act in a social gathering that has caused
a lot of shame and suffering to him as well as to us. This is related to sexual
behavior, doctors mentioned that in a manic episode, he can tend to react impulsively without caring for consequence.

In that respect, would like to hear from you, can a child with aspergers and BPD behave carelessly in matters related to dealing with people, either elders or peers of the opposite sex. He has tried to touch his co-student in an objectionable manner. Please advise on whether such symptoms exist and how to deal with those, your guidance based on any similar cases you dealt with earlier would be of immense help to us.

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Mr. Hutten,

I have recently resigned from my full time band director position and I have taken on private students.  One of my guitar students is only 7, and according to his mom has a "reading problem."  She is considering getting him evaluated for where he may be on the Autism spectrum.  He doesn't identify any letters yet; he is homeschooled and they follow the "unschool" discipline of home schooling.

I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of some resources that would help me teach him.  I am usually adamant about learning to read notated music with my students as it allows them to become independent musicians.  But I am having trouble getting him to use the printed music.  He can identify a note by the fret and can sometimes tell me a letter name (we're only on the first string, so he's only identifying 3 notes).  But as we play a series of notes, he is relying on his memory and watching me instead of tracking with the music.  I'm hoping to use guitar and reading music to help his reading skills, so any techniques you may have or resources I can access would be so helpful.  And I am open to rote teaching since he is a little young, if that is an avenue I should consider.

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Our 16 year old son, a Jr in high school, is flunking a couple of class that he has always gotten a B and an A in.  He refuses to do homework.  We have tried everything to motivate him, rewards, consequences etc...  We get along well and spend a lot of time together.  He is respectful, fun and pleasant.  He says he wants to go to college but doesn't do what he knows he needs to do.

We our at a loss and worried he is going to want to quit school.
He refuses to talk about it and gives us the silent treatment.

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My Teen is 18 years old but likes to act like he is 10. He calls himself an adult when it suits him and says he is too young when he wants me to do something for him.

He did not make it thru high school as his anxiety level was too much. He dropped out and only has about 7 credits left to go.

With that said, he is unmotivated to do anything except for play his guitar, XBOX and talk about his favorite metal group which is Motionless and White. He mainly discusses the guitar player Ricky and tries to look like him dress like him and pretty much be him. The guitar players name is Ricky Horror (stage) Jake's name is Jake Horror (tells everyone)

When i give him rules he says he will do it later or he wont do it all (Chores etc) He does not work nor does he go to school. He sleeps all day if i let him and then gets up does not eat until later so he eats dinner (when i make it)

Jake stays up all night (calls himself a vampire and like i said sleeps thru out the day.
Does not like to associate himself with Asperger's or kids with Asperger's as he only looks for friends that are like him. He calls himself goth. he has black long hair wears black clothes wants tatooes and has a piercing. Likes to wear dark eye makeup and paints fingernails black (like Ricky).

As you can tell he is not a typical Aspie. His dad and him do not get along his dad calls him names and yells alot this does not help the situation. I bought your book because i need help he is afraid to work and to be honest i don't know if he is capable because of his anxiety level.

He does not appear to want to do anything and he argues alot. I would like to find him a home to live in sometimes because he is hard to deal with. When we go out to eat he likes to order more food than he can eat and bring it home. Of course this does not sit well with his dad so there is another argument.

I have a hard hard time cutting the strings because im worried if i leave him in bed he will sleep all day then get up in the evening with no food and lose weight. I have to remind him to brush his teeth and to clean up his room.

when we have family day (going to fair etc,, he wants to go and does go but never seems to enjoy himself. Always wants to stay with dad and i instead of walk around with his foster brother. (same age)

Anyway i don't know what the next steps are but i don't want to have him around if he is going to act like a vegetable. The kid is smart but does not use his talents or his brain to do anything constructive.

I need guidance and wisdom as i am at the end of my rope.

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I found your website while looking for information on how to help me 6 year old who has Aspergers with his melt downs. My son is 6 and he is having a hard time keeping his temper under control at home but mainly at school it has become a major issue. I want to help him but it has been very hard to find away to help him he also has pica. When he gets upset/frustrated he lashes out and swears somethings he will hit/bite people. I really need to find a system that will work for him and help me to help him. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so all your time.

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Dr Hutten,  I am extremely interested in your support services,  in fact I am going to subscribe (or whatever you call it) because my family is in distress and has been for quite sometime.  You seem to have knowledge and a level head and we really need the help.   I am the grandmother to a great child with Asperger's and also,  I am pretty certain,  mother the a daughter with the same LD.  I point of fact,  i often wonder if I myself may have this disorder.  It looks to me that this is a family issue and I want so much to stop the crazy cycle of this family dynamic and have tried to hard to provide my daughter with tools to help her understand her own daughter and help her to thrive in school and social settings.  My daughter, Natalie,  is pretty stubborn and just doesn't seem interested in reading the literature,  watching the videos,  or hearing much of anything I have to say about the subject; however, she recently told me that she is going to get my granddaughter into counseling which is great news.  I feel that it could only help if she were also able to have the support of your website and your experience in this area.  In any case,  I want her to be able to have someone to talk to.  I am sure you stay busy but if you have time an email would be great.  Thank you,  and thank you also for your great website.  It has helped me quite a bit.

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Good morning. Thank you for the opportunity to join.

I would just like to ask something which i am batteling a lot with at the moment. My eldest son is nine and was diagnosec with Aspergers about a month ago.  I need to sit with him and his brother to work things through so that they both understand what  and why he is different in his reactions, meltdowns etc. I just have no clue where to start and how to say it.. he is already such an anxious and emotional child. Please help me.

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Hey,
I kind of suspect my husband and my son may have aspergers-- we live in a rural area with no easy way to diagnose-- my husband is also the main caregiver-- is there any way he would be able to learn from it and use it with my son?  I notice a lot of times they set each other off so to speak.

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I found you through Youtube searches about Asperger’s and marriage.  I have struggled and am struggling in my marriage.  We have read a lot of different books we sought marriage counseling.  Nothing seems to fit quite like what your audio files and e-book describe.

My challenge is that it’s an awkward fit.  I was an only child raised by a single mom that had supernatural empathy.  With her help, I overcame so many of the challenges associated with Asperger’s.  I even found courage to tackle my weaknesses head on.  For example, I took a job in high school that forced me to talk to strangers and build comfort with it.  In college I took on a sales job that forced me to cold call people and present product in their homes.  As an adult I started teaching an adult Sunday school class.  Through these steps I have become a fairly gifted public speaker, and even in an engineering role I can be a tremendous asset to my company’s sales team.

In addition to conquering challenges normally associated with Asperger’s, my mother’s supernatural empathy rubbed off on me.  I developed a gift for imagining the world through other people’s eyes, and in my home I’m generally considered the most sensitive and empathic one in the family.  At work my direct reports and colleagues often come for comfort and wisdom.

But… I married a choleric woman that grew up in a home with no concept of accountability or forgiveness.  She is extremely confident, and she seems to utilize your entire checklist of how not to fight fair.  My self-esteem has been on a steady decline for 16 years with her, and I continue to slip deeper and deeper into the habits and traits of Asperger’s.  All of the social skills and empathy that I have learned have been replaced with a sense of terror that I might say or do the wrong thing, which is unforgivable with consequences that are eternal.  Resentment seems to be one of her life’s passions.

I love my wife and my daughters (one of which has Asperger’s), and I don’t want my marriage to fail.  All of your strategies and recommendations seem practical, and I’m going to try them all.  It just feels so hopeless.

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Dear Mr. Hutton,

What if the partner who might have high functioning ASD symptoms refuses testing and is angered by the conversation?

Also I appreciate your Web site and YouTube videos. We have a seven-year-old who was diagnosed with Social Communication Disorder last year. It's mild, but if he's struggling to process social thinking issues, he gets anxious, depressed. His father and grandfather share symptoms that after researching, in my opinion look like high functioning something. They're very passive, very focused on one thing, very book smart but can be socially awkward.

I've listened to three of your videos and taken notes and the information has helped me to understand my son and how I can help him. Trying now to get his seemingly avoidant, workaholic father on board, and wondering if his resistance to helping might stem from something other than a cold heart. Our youngest NT son is suffering from separation anxiety too, so it's my goal to try and make peace with the state of our family. I feel, though, a diagnosis would help.

Initially my suggestion to get tested were considered, but after talking to a private psychiatrist, my husband decided against it. I'm curious, then, to know if the resistance or anger to the diagnosis idea is seen in adult, Aspie-ish males.

Thank you for any thoughts.

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Mark,

I'm wondering if your coaching could help, or if there was a female coach in your team that might better understand where I'm coming from.

I'm a single parent. Ethan is 4 years old. His dad left when I could start walking again after a bad cesarean surgery, about 4 months after surgery.
His dad sees him seldom. Twice Weekly for short visits at his childcare.

I had surgery again may 2015 to correct the original one and still recovering. It's been challenging and being nurturing to a child with aspergers isn't always coming naturally.

Main frustrations includes when he doesn't want to go the the bathroom. I need the remind him and sometimes force him to go every 2 hours - or deal with the clean up.
Negative attention and hurting himself if I don't let him do things he wants...like play instead of eat dinner etc..
Oppositional. If I ask him to close a door gently or put his dishes in the sink...he slams or throws them.
If I go up or down the stairs and don't let him go first....I get a meltdown. We only have 1 bathroom at the top of our stairs. If I go pee on my own. Meltdown.
He hurts me if I annoy him instead of using his words. Later I can ask what he wanted and it's usually something simple I would have done if he asked, like turning down the volume on my iPad.

Having him sleep in his own bed is a struggle.

I'd really like to turn this behaviour around and encourage using his words, learning to ask and listening to his body when it needs to go to the bathroom.

I want to enjoy spending time with him, and not be on guard, reminding and having to repeat boundaries constantly. I want to relax when I'm home as well. I work part time. And I am trained in compassionate communication, often giving him empathy and doing my best to recognize his needs and options to get them and mine met.

However, I'm finding that I'm struggling and needing to calm myself more than I enjoy.

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Dear Mark,

I have not had an official diagnosis but it confirms our suspicion of me being the ASPIE partner in the marriage. My father has similar traits like me too. We have been married for almost 22 years. We have three children, age 19, 18 and 15. The 18 year old has definitely signs of ASPIE traits as well.

Because of my situation, our marriage is facing lots of challenges which has posed a heavy toll on my wife and which has impacted her physical and mental health (depression  and auto immune thyroiditis for the last 9 years) and she has started building up resentment as she feels I am not doing enough to rectify our relationship issues. We are still in love and not prepared to give up the relationship so easily.

I do not have close friends, never had, but that is not my main issue. I want to have a marriage in which we are both happy. I am very active in sport, I am a former (national team) triathlete and before marriage I have gone on cycle trips around the world ranging from 2,000 km to 11,000km at a time (mostly by myself as you can guess).  Needless to say, cycling is my interest/hobby and sport is my passion. I am also a focused employee (accountant) of my company.

I acknowledge that I need help to change my behavior. We agree that in addition to intimate conversation, my communication and social skills need to improve. I have to improve skills (or better say, to learn) to have intimate conversation with my wife. I struggle with knowing how to meet her emotional needs. Also I have difficulties in having a one- to- one conversation with an acquaintance, friend or stranger. Specially if it exceeds 30 minutes, then I am desperately searching for topics to avoid periods of silence.

You may have possibly dealt with similar characters like myself and wish to share some material or advise to help me with my marriage relationship.
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Hi  Mark,



I  have a very bright, kind , overindulged son. He is 17,a senior, and a very talented golfer. He is one of the captains of the  team  and they need him. He is capable of straight A's and wants hard classes but won't go to school because he won't do his homework and is not prepared for class. His dad used to help him (and sometimes do his homework for him). His dad now works in S.C. and we live in IL.  I told him yesterday he couldn't go to tonight's meet if he didn't go to school. He says he tried all night to get his homework done but couldn't do it.. I was up until 11pm with him. He was started on Focalin xr 5 mg yesterday, an ADHD drug. He says it made him overexcited, sweaty and he couldn't do his work. I am a pharmacist and guess this is possible. What to do??? Make him miss the meet? I have had him to psychiatrists who say he is depressed and anxious. He takes an antidepressant. Maybe I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum but he has to go to school. What do you think I should do?


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Good Afternoon Mark,
My son Richard who is now 30 had just finally been diagnosed with Aspergers or Autism Spectrum Disorder as I believe it is now defined. We were in the process of learning everything we could but within a few months she was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and unfortunately passed a year later aged only 56. Since her passing I have dedicated myself to learning and helping Richard our beautiful son. We moved to the USA from England in 2002 to expand my business and I am still CEO of the company. I have been dealing with complicated grief and have zero family or support structure but with my strong constitution have been making progress in baby steps. As you can imagine the devastating loss has only supplemented the daily issues and I welcome your experience and guidance.
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 Hi Mr. Hutten;
I am a married to a man who clearly fits the Asperger's diagnosis. I have not yet told him but over 16 years I have known him and as a clinician always knew he had a personality disorder and recently confirmed from going to see a counselor myself for being unhappy with the marriage.
I want to tell
Him the right way and also am interested in your audio or e-book but didn't know how to purchase from your site. I also wanted to know if you have any recommendations for a couples counselor or individual counselor in the Columbia, MD 21044 area where I live.
I am in a situation where I was planning and trying to prepare to leave the marriage and feel like I would be the only one affected emotionally when this happens. We have 2 boys, ages 3 and 4, who will probably have a hard time in the beginning. My husband is not good with too much info and I don't think he will take the asperger's test. Do you suggest a good way of telling him I think he has asperger's. He has not wanted to go to the doctor for a check up but admits to having feelings of depression.
I am living with feelings of mistrust, neglected and I satisfied mentally and emotionally. He does thugs without communicating and I am left to ask or guess most of his actions with him feeling annoyed that I ask questions to understand him better.
Anyways, any feedback will be helpful.
I continue watch your lectures online.

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My husband and I are desperate. I listen to one of your you tube videos on adult children with aspergers. Joe is 20 years old. He has quit school and work. He has been verbally abusive for years, but on the 2nd of the month he became physically abusive to my husband. It was bad and we had to get the police involved.  He is now at the county psychiatric hospital. We are afraid To let  him come back home. The social worker and the doctor are telling him that he will have to go to a homeless shelter. We are trying to get help for Joe. He now wants to go to the shelter. He has never been in a shelter. I have taken care of him all his life. You can imagine how I feel as his mother. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I never thought that this would happen in my family. There is a lot more to this story but I don't want to take up to much of your time. Should we let him go to the shelter, or
should we rent a room?  My husband and I live on a fixed income so we can't rent an apartment.
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Hi! I hope you are well. I appreciate you time and thoughts. My best friend is using your resource and it has changed her relationships with her husband and son. Both aspies. My husband had a couple of strokes 2 1/2 years ago that damaged his language and emotion areas. He can read and speak again but it left him with some aspie traits. How likely is it that the information will apply to brain trauma behaviors that are similar? I really appreciate you taking the time for this. Our family keep telling me I have a psych degree so of course I'll just figure it out. 

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Dear Mark Hutten,

I came across your website after processing an eventful couple of weeks, where after 22 years of marriage I suspect my husband may have Aspergers.

Last week I went for a drink with a friend, whose teenager daughter is best friends with my daughter; they are both 14 years old. The mum has been really struggling and suspects her daughter maybe on the spectrum. As she listed the signs and behavioural traits of Aspergers, it was as if someone had switched on a light bulb. It described my husband.

For years I have struggled through all the emotions and processes described on your website. My husband has always been organised at his work with good results, but has been made redundant twice and recently forced to leave his managerial position with a payout; his longest stint has been 7 years in any given job title. This has been hard on us as a family having to move all the time with new schools and network for me and the children. When we move to a new location he makes one close friend, but does not keep in regular touch with old school friends or his best man at our wedding etc., (if he does it would be occasionally after years).

Over time I believe my husband has found it hard to bond with people in the work place. He is caring, gentle, fair (to the nth degree) and kind, but can come across as aloof, wooden, and emotionally cold. In conversation he can talk endlessly about facts (usually cycling), unaware that this may not be interesting for the other party. These are descriptions shared by close friends. A previous female work colleague of his spoke to me in confidence, concerned that he was isolating himself at work and not relating well to the workforce on the factory floor.

This week however, in his new job (by the grace of God we didn't have to move), he set about meetings of groups of 4 or less for the staff to give them an update on where the company was heading and what his supporting role entails as their boss. It seems he is working out strategies without realising? The female Director of the company he now works for, who is a church friend of mine, said she employed him because he was unemotional and a little cold and wanted someone in place who can get the job done well.

He doesn't mix in large social gatherings, which has been painful for me, as I'm very sociable and have felt we have not made any 'couple friendships' as a result. I have a large network of girl friends instead. We were at a big family fun day with our cycling club and he wouldn't join in the games because he had an important race the next day. He sat on the sidelines while everyone had fun (inside I'm thinking WHY?)

My husband is obsessive about cycling, he lives and breathes it. I cycle too and we both love sport, but on occasions where I needed him to be a husband or father for a special event he could not read my emotional need of quality time or support; daughter's first day on zone squad for windsurfing, all parents were there - went cycling, family holiday site seeing in Italy - too hot for sight seeing and went cycling, his brother's stag do - wouldn't join in because of the drinking (his other brother nearly floored him he was so annoyed).

He can be inappropriate at a meal with other couples with immature jokes where I cringe inside (this is a handsome, intelligent and caring individual). Now I accept it will happen every time. I've given up.

I don't even know how to broach the subject with him. There is a young lad who is part of their cycling group who has a high level of Aspergers, and I think my husband would be so upset if he thought I was putting the same label on him. I did share that our cognitive communication was completely different, he is more like a computer - logical, I'm sensitive to other peoples feelings and more emotional. He agreed. That's as far as I've got.

How do I go about a diagnosis for my husband so we can make our marriage work. I have been so close to leaving, but my faith has prevented me. At times this has been worse than the grieving of a loved one who has passed away, you can't move on but feel desperately lonely and no one else understands.

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Hi Mark ;
I came across your info regarding couples and being in a relationship with an Asperger partner.  Do you have an online website that shows your upcoming workshops and conferences?
I live in Nova Scotia and have attended workshops foe ASD children as these are the only conferences available.  I recently researched “Aspergers and Cognition” as I realised the brain is so amazing and I wanted to understand more about how my husband thinks.  I found a link to your articles but not your workshops .
I am an Educator and had a student with Aspergers. When I was given some basic resource information by the specialist working with him; a light bulb went on for me. This happened after 35 years of marriage  and believing I was the one that was  at fault by expecting more in our relationship and more of my partner instead of me being the one to carry the relationship and 90% of the effort to hold it together. My husband fit the bill in every way for Aspergers. He was a great teacher and a brilliant musician.
Although we have been married for 46 years I am  very much aware that it is never too late to invest some time and effort to make our relationship more balanced.  I suffer everyday and struggle with keeping our relationship together and trying to keep things on an even keel with no meltdowns from him.  Without going into the details lets say his MO is classic and denial at times is part of that. I know that he can develop strategies. He is a smart man. I believe we would benefit by attending your workshop for couples. I need strategies ; he needs to be motivated to develop strategies and not just bury his head in the sand.
There are almost no resources here in Nova Scotia for Aspergers and the fact that it is now under the umbrella of ASD I do not believe that the difficulties of Aspies or high functioning Autism individuals are being met . The focus is on children in the education system. Few mature adults are still in the education system and thus their needs are seldom being met. Certainly adults  are not considered as these individuals are not so obvious to the various professionals that might be able to assist with the issues affecting them and their families.  It is the partners in the relationship and the children that are aware and bare all the issues and hardships of dealing with the individual.  As you say 80% of marriages with an Aspie partner end up in divorce.
I would really be interested in hearing more about your couples workshops.
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Thank you for your prompt response. I really enjoyed your audio presentations and information regarding asperger's. 
I actually started speaking to my husband about the condition and convinced him to sit and watch the 6-7 min video presentation about your book. 
He is not accepting that he has this condition even though for the last 16 years, he shows every sign and symptom associated with it. He has a lot of anger toward me and me getting him to want to resolve anything is not working. We have gone through marriage counseling a couple of times. He thinks I have a mental problem and always criticizes my family as a reason for my behavior toward him. I even told him I am willing to look into my "problem" if he can just confirm with evaluation or just consider learning more about Asperger's. He is not a reader so I am looking to send videos to let him get a feel for what the condition is and how it affects life. Any suggestions will be helpful. 
Thank you for the list of practitioners in the area. I was working with a counselor who helped me confirm what my husband may have and was working with me of leaving the relationship. I am putting her on hold and going to read your book. 
It does "take two to make things right" so I am discouraged that he is not willing to consider anything wrong with him to make things work. 
Thanks again for your response and I really do appreciate it! 
Are you offering any lectures or courses in my area by chance to learn more? I am also a health care practitioner for the last 16 years working as a physical therapist and received my second masters degree in  rehab counseling. I am very interested in learning more about the condition for professional and personal reasons. 
Thanks again. 

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Hi Mark

I just wanted to ask you please for advice as I refuse to make any decisions with my husband without researching further what our avenues are!

My husband and I have finished reading your e book and watched the workshops. We found them EXTREMELY helpful for both of us. We have both been really responsive and made positive changes, it has only been a week but it has been a great week.

My husband did however consult his cousin, who is overseas about our revelation and wandered what else he can do to help. His cousin is a psychiatrist and he immediately recommended a higher dose of the anti depressant that my husband is already taking as usually these meds are recommended in higher doses to people on the spectrum. I don’t believe he needs it but wanted to ask your opinion?
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I have 2 boys with aspergers
Question numbe 1. My 18 year old had a hard time with graduation the cliser it got the more panicked he became. So d put him on Zoloft for anxiety. He seemed better he got a job at walmart in produce he seemed. To love it. Then they started switching his sechdule around back down the hill he went. He ended up quitting the. Job and now says he cant handle panic attacks so he just wonts to be left alone and locks himself in his room. I dont know how to help him
Number 2 my 6 year old is also on zolof 100 mg and ritilan 5mg 3x a daytho i dont see any diffrenc with or wih out the Ritalin. He is in kidegardn after doing a spec prek for 2 years and was doing fair as far as school when it first started now 3 months in he states and i quoat "i no longer wont to go to school its boring and of no intrest to me" his teacher said its just because he doesnt like tracing letters and to say its a have to thing. Yea because i said so doesnt work fo any kid much less for one on the spectrum. He randomly blurt stuff out in c lass and is unabl most days to sit in 1 spot. He also has choosen to walk himself to class and is constantly late because he doent wont to go sco he walks slowly.

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Hello Mark

I'm Laura from Australia and I've found your book and would like to download it...

My partner was diagnosed with Aspergers about six weeks ago. I'm just tearing my hair out - the meltdowns seem to get worse. I have psychotherapy myself every week, and I have nearly finished a degree in the same. I love him and am at the end of my tether.

I try as best I can to own my part of the conflicts but sometimes I feel so defeated, so drained I'm almost suicidal. Feel trapped and like a complete idiot for making the decisions I have.

It would be great if I could purchase your book - could you send me a link please? I'm also wondering if Anthony would be open to therapy with you - I doubt it because he doesn't like doing stuff over the Internet for privacy reasons - but just in case, could you please send me some info to share with him?

I'm looking for a lifeline!!

Kind regards
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