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You Are On The Right Planet: A Message To All Aspies

There is a philosophy amongst some individuals in the autism community that people on the spectrum are living their lives on the "wrong planet."  Really?!





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Why are children on the autism spectrum prone to "meltdowns"?

Children with ASD level 1 or High Functioning Autism (HFA) are prone to meltdowns when they find themselves trapped in a situation that is difficult to cope with, especially those which involve frustration, sensory overload, pain or confusion. These situations tend to happen more frequently for children who have one or more of the following characteristics:
  • Communication delays or challenges
  • Difficulty identifying and controlling emotions 
  • Difficulty understanding cause and effect 
  • Difficulty with social comprehension
  • Executive functioning disruption 
  • Hypersensitivity to sensory input
  • Low frustration threshold
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Resistance to change
  • Rigid or inflexible thinking
  • Sensory integration dysfunctions

Think of meltdowns as an “escape mechanism.” If the HFA child has the means to get himself out of a stressful situation before it becomes overwhelming, the cognitive and emotional pressure subsides. Without these means of escape, the stress will escalate, and the child’s body will begin to panic, setting him on a course towards neurological meltdown.

Escape routes are such things as:
  • Autonomy (the freedom to make their own decisions)
  • Coping and calming mechanisms (being able to soothe themselves under stress)
  • Independence (the ability to act on decisions)
  • Language and comprehension (understanding others and making themselves understood)
  • Motor and social skills (the ability to prevent or remove themselves from uncomfortable situations)

“Typical” children without autism have a functional set of escape routes. For example, they:
  • Can calm themselves down relatively quickly in most cases
  • Can communicate their needs and emotions
  • Can regulate the extra sensory input
  • Have the freedom to leave when a stressful situation becomes too much to handle
  • Know what it feels like when they are getting upset
  • Understand that most people don't deliberately try to hurt them

 ==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism


In short, “typical” children have coping strategies that allow emotional and cognitive stress to defuse. But, this is not the case with HFA children. When these “special needs” kids find themselves in a stressful situation from which they can’t easily escape, their brain becomes flooded with emotional, sensory or cognitive input, which jams the circuits and initiates a “fight-or-flight” response associated with panic.

Executive functions (e.g., memory, planning, reasoning, decision-making) start to short-circuit, which makes it even more difficult for these kids to find a way out of the painful situation. Eventually, the neurological pressure builds to the point where it is released externally as an outburst of physical energy (e.g., yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc.). Although this explosive reaction resembles a temper tantrum and often seems to come from nowhere, it's just one part of the meltdown cycle.

Meltdowns and temper tantrums can often look the same on the outside, but that’s where the similarity ends. A temper tantrum is a voluntary “battle of wills” to try and gain control over a situation. It’s designed to draw attention for the sole purpose of satisfying a want (e.g., having more time to play video games) or avoiding something that is unwanted (e.g., shutting off the computer and getting ready for bed), so once that goal has been met, the outburst quickly resolves itself.

Conversely, meltdowns are almost the complete opposite. A meltdown is an involuntary physical and emotional reaction to being placed in an overwhelming situation from which there is no easy escape. The child isn’t in control or trying to get attention, in fact he is often unaware of things happening around him.




Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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“False Dilemma”: A Thinking Error in Children on the Autism Spectrum


Would you, as a parent, say your youngster with Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA) does any of the following:
  • Judges himself as strong or weak, smart or stupid?
  • Looks for too much certainty in a world full of uncertainty?
  • Over-monitors his decisions as right or wrong, good or bad?
  • Reacts emotionally when things don't look right?
  • Thinks in terms of extremes (i.e., all or nothing, black or white)?



If so, then your child may be experiencing a “false dilemma." In other words, she believes she is stuck in an awful predicament, when in reality, she is not. When AS and HFA children fall victim to a false dilemma, they have mistakenly reduced an entire spectrum of possibilities down to the two most extreme options, each the polar opposite of the other without any shades of grey in between. Often, those categories are of their own creation, and they are attempting to force the world to conform to their preconceptions about what it should look like.

A false dilemma means seeing the world only in terms of extremes. If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible." If your youngster isn't "brilliant," then he thinks he must be "stupid." In real-life, situations are almost always shades of gray – not black or white. Falling victim to a false dilemma tends to exacerbate depression, anxiety, and a host of other everyday problems.

Unfortunately, under duress, AS and HFA children often regress to a primitive way of thinking. They are most prone to regressing to primitive thinking when they are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed by their own emotions. A “regression” is a backsliding from age-appropriate functioning/thinking to more immature ways of functioning/thinking. For that one moment, when the child starts relying on the words "always" or "never" and views the world in black and white terms, she is slipping back to the way she saw the world as a toddler.

Problems associated with false dilemmas:
  • A false dilemma often creates “artificial needs” in the child’s life that lead to disappointment and depression. This is his tendency to think that he “must” have something, or he “must” do something, or life “must” be a certain way – otherwise it will be unbearable. The false dilemma doesn’t open him up to the possibility that, even if life doesn’t work out exactly the way he thinks it should, he can still be happy.
  • When the child only see things in black and white, she misses out on alternative ways of viewing the world. These other perspectives may be just as good if not better than her current perspective. A false dilemma often creates a false choice between “A” and “B,” when “C” is the more accurate and helpful view. Unfortunately, if the child only thinks in black and white terms, then she is unlikely to even consider “C” a possibility in the first place.
  • A false dilemma makes AS and HFA children less adaptive to their surroundings. This hinders their development. It’s also what keeps them stuck in old habits and thought patterns. 
  • A false dilemma doesn’t just hurt the child, but also the relationships he tries to build with others. When he views the world in strict and over-simplistic terms, he is less likely to compromise and cooperate with others to meet common interests. This is because he doesn’t see the grey areas in life (which is a mind-blindness issue that most kids on the spectrum experience). He believes everything needs to be a specific way, and he isn’t willing to deviate from this narrow view of the world. This makes him stubborn and frustrating to live with.


Most AS and HFA children simply do not have the vocabulary to describe the middle ground. For example, the child either considers someone to be a friend or not. The concept of different levels of friendship and the gradual building of trust may be unknown.

Perhaps worst of all for children on the autism spectrum is the perfectionism pursuant to a false dilemma – and the self-condemnation which may follow. Many AS and HFA children often think they should be doing everything “right,” because if it’s not right (i.e., perfect), it’s certainly wrong. In this way, the false dilemma may underlie some of the “refusals” and “difficulty initiating” that parents and teachers often see in these children. So, learning (which involves, first, not knowing things and gradually learning them while making mistakes along the way) can be an excruciating process. Starting a writing assignment, for example, can be overwhelming to the point of paralysis.




How parents and teachers can help the AS or HFA child who experiences frequent false dilemmas:

AS and HFA children need to be taught two important concepts: (1) gradual change and (2) the vocabulary fitting specific situations.

1. First is to help the child perceive the concept of a graduated scale, levels, steps, processes, etc. There are numerous ways to make the concept concrete and establish a metaphor for reference. For example:
  • a glass filling with water (empty gradually, changing to full)
  • day versus night (view the in-between, dawn or sunset)
  • downstairs versus upstairs (take the stairs, stop partway)
  • speedometer (you can’t go from 1 to 100 in a quantum leap)
  • an actual grayscale in Photoshop could be used for those children who are into graphics or photography

Choose a metaphor to which your youngster may easily relate, and may fit the situation you first want to address. Depending on the age of the child and cognitive level, you can use the real items, drawings, or just conversation to develop the “graduated levels” concept.

2. Never try to “reason with” a child on the autism spectrum. Logic, reasoning, and explanation unfortunately results in the youngster becoming angry and more insistent on his viewpoint. It is better to let him have his viewpoint. When you catch yourself feeling frustrated that he simply won’t listen to reason, you need to recognize that he is stuck in a false dilemma and end the conversation. At a later point in time, when he is calm, you can bring up the topic and together make a list of all the possible ways to view the situation or all the possible solutions.

Write down all possible ideas regardless of how good they are, and do not make negative comments; otherwise, your youngster will become resistant. Write the pros and cons of each one and then discuss which idea looks the best. Through this technique, you are teaching your youngster how to look at situations from another perspective. He may still rigidly hold to his original idea, but at least you are teaching him how to consider other options. Also, you can encourage him to think about what someone else would do if they were in his situation. He may also be responsive to a suggestion that he ask others what they would do.



Comments:

•    Anonymous said... I have Asperger Syndrome, and I also have trouble understanding where grey areas lie. Here are some things you can try that might help your child (or the child you work with) who is on the Autism Spectrum understand more about grey areas. Next time you have your child in the car with you, show him/her a traffic light, and explain what each of the lights mean. The red light means stop, the green light means go/keep going, and the yellow light means slow down and be ready to stop if you need to. If the traffic light has an arrow, this means it's only safe/unsafe to go in this direction. The yellow light and the arrow may be used as grey areas between stop and go. Also, have your child observe the light changing colors. Another thing you can do is while your child (or the child you work with) is waiting for his/her school bus, explain what the school bus lights and other signals mean. When the yellow lights turn on, this means that it's going to be time for your child to get on/off the bus soon, and that all other vehicles on the road should be ready to stop if needed. When the red lights turn on and the stop sign comes out, this means it's time for your child to get on/off the bus, and all other vehicles on the road NEED TO STOP, and may not go again until the stop sign closes and the red lights turn off.
•    Anonymous said... Many thanks for writing this blog. As a 50-something adult on the spectrum, I am giving the tips my energy and will endeavor to continue toward a place of grayer thinking. "My Aspergers Child" stuff often works for we elders, too. Great insight, I truly appreciate and will share (giving you credit, of course). Best! Liane Holliday Willey, EdD
•    Anonymous said... This is a great post, and would be really helpful in a video-type format, as my son's Aspie Dad has real issues with this, and would benefit from this info. Alas, he finds wordy posts like this make him tune out. On the other hand, it is a helpful read for me, so thank you!

Post your comment below…

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The Traits of High-Functioning Autism: Fact Sheet

Is there a detailed list of traits associated with high functioning autism that we can use as a gauge to see whether or not to have our child assessed?


A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's often has many of the following traits:
  1. Has a different form of introspection and self-consciousness
  2. Has a fascination with a topic that is unusual in intensity or focus
  3. Takes longer to process social information due to using intelligence rather than intuition
  4. Needs assistance with some self-help and organizational skills
  5. Enjoys a very brief and low intensity expression of affection, and becomes confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected
  6. Collects facts and figures about a specific topic
  7. Has a tendency to be considered disrespectful and rude by others
  8. Has a tendency to make a literal interpretation of what someone says
  9. Has an unusual profile of learning abilities
  10. Teachers often identify problems with organizational abilities, especially with homework assignments and essays
  11. Teachers soon recognize that the child has a distinctive learning style, being talented in understanding the logical and physical world, noticing details, and remembering and arranging facts in a systematic fashion
  12. Often has levels of anxiety, depression or anger that indicate a secondary mood disorder
  13. Can be easily distracted, especially in the classroom
  14. When problem solving, the child appears to have a one-track mind and a fear of failure
  15. Has a different, but not defective, way of thinking
  16. Is clumsy in terms of gait and coordination
  17. Has a delay in the development of the art of persuasion, compromise and conflict resolution
  18. Has delayed social maturity and social reasoning
  19. Has difficulty reading the messages in someone’s eyes
  20. Has difficulty making friends
  21. Is often teased by peers due to his/her “odd” mannerisms
  22. Has difficulty with the communication and control of emotions
  23. If the child with HFA is not successful socially at school, then academic success becomes more important as the primary motivation to attend school and for the development of self-esteem
  24. In adolescence, the interests can evolve to include electronics and computers, fantasy literature, science fiction, and a fascination with a particular person
  25. Much of the knowledge associated with the child's special interest is self-directed and self-taught
  26. Is vulnerable to feeling depressed, with about 1 in 3 HFA children having clinical depression
  27. Experiences physical and emotional exhaustion from socializing
  28. Has problems knowing when something may cause embarrassment to others
  29. Is remarkably honesty
  30. Has sensitivities to specific sounds, aromas, sights, tastes and touch 
  31. Can be immature in the development of the ability to catch, throw or kick a ball
  32. HFA girls often develop a special interest in fiction rather than facts 
  33. Often has academic abilities above his/her grade level
  34. Sometimes the special interest is a particular animal, and can be so intense that the child acts like the animal
  35. Has difficulties with handwriting
  36. Becomes hypervigilant, tense and distractible in sensory stimulating environments (e.g., in the classroom), unsure when the next painful sensory experience will occur
  37. The emotion management can be conceptualized as a problem with "energy management," specifically an excessive amount of emotional energy, and difficulty controlling and releasing the energy constructively
  38. Emotional maturity is usually at least three years behind that of his/her peers
  39. The special interest can be a source of enjoyment, knowledge, self-identity and self-esteem that can be constructively used by parents, teachers and therapists
  40. The most common sensory sensitivity is to very specific sounds
  41. There can be an under- or over- reaction to the experience of pain and discomfort
  42. The sense of balance, movement perception, and body orientation can be unusual
  43. May have a fixation on something neither human nor toy, or a fascination with a specific category of objects and the acquisition of as many examples as possible
  44. The child’s overriding priority may be to solve a problem rather than satisfy the social or emotional needs of others
  45. The child is usually renowned for being direct, speaking his/her mind and being determined and having a strong sense of social justice
  46. The child may actively seek and enjoy solitude, be a loyal friend, and have a distinct sense of humor
  47. The child usually has a strong desire to seek knowledge, truth and perfection with a different set of priorities than would be expected with "typical" children 
  48. The child values being creative rather than co-operative
  49. Can have difficulty with the management and expression of emotions
  50. May perceive errors that are not apparent to others, giving considerable attention to detail rather than noticing the “big picture”
  51. The child's special interest has several functions: to (a) create a sense of identity, (b) create an alternative world, (c) ensure greater predictability and certainty in life, (d) facilitate conversation and indicate intellectual ability, (e) help understand the physical world, (f) overcome anxiety, (g) provide pleasure, and (h) provide relaxation
  52. There seems to be two main categories of special interest: collections, and the acquisition of knowledge on a specific topic or concept
  53. Has a limited vocabulary to describe emotions, and a lack of subtlety and variety in emotional expression
  54. Tends to have a different perception of situations and sensory experiences
  55. May have problems expressing the degree of love and affection expected by others
  56. Unusual language abilities that include advanced vocabulary and syntax, but delayed conversation skills, unusual prosody, and a tendency to be pedantic
  57. Unusual or special interests can develop as early as age 2 to 3 years and may commence with a preoccupation with parts of objects (e.g., spinning the wheels of toy cars) or manipulating electrical switches
  58. HFA traits are more conspicuous in early childhood and gradually diminish during adolescence, but some traits remain throughout adulthood
  59. When one considers the attributes associated with the special interests, it is important to consider not only the benefits to the HFA child, but also the benefits to society
  60. The child’s coordination can be immature. and he/she may have a strange, sometimes idiosyncratic gait that lacks fluency and efficiency
 

If most of the traits above characterize your child, then an assessment by a qualified professional would be in order.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book




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Violent Behavior in Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

“Is it common for aspergers teenagers to retaliate (sometimes violently) when they feel that they are being mistreated by siblings, peers, etc.?”

Common? No. Does it happen? Yes.

Most juveniles with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have strict codes of behavior that often include a dislike or even hatred of violence. Even among them, however, aggression can be a problem when the juvenile or young adult becomes frustrated, feels unfairly treated, or feels excluded. Juveniles with AS and HFA can persuade themselves that aggression is justified in these circumstances. Aggression toward younger siblings may be a problem, as may aggression at school, but the usual arena is at home.



This kind of aggression may be explosive, in which case there is often a sharp onset and a sharp offset. The AS or HFA juvenile may be even more unaware of the impact of his aggression than others who have tantrums. Parents often say something like this: “He calmed down quickly, long before we could feel calm. He just seems to want to carry on as if nothing had happened. If we try to talk about the tantrum, we might set him off again.”

Aggression of this kind may begin at an early age, and moms and dads find it difficult to deal with. Counter-violence makes matters worse, but it is a solution that often appeals to fathers. Withdrawal during the tantrum, and then discussing how it felt to be on the receiving end of it, are often useful. But living with this level of aggression can be one of the most difficult aspects of raising a child on the autism spectrum.

These juveniles have a lively sense of self-preservation. They may therefore suppress an aggressive response to a bully or another aggressor, but turn the aggression on to a more vulnerable person later, who may have had nothing to do with the situation. The target of aggression is most likely to be a juvenile's mother, or later in life, a spouse.

Emotional processing is difficult for AS and HFA juveniles. They can’t tell themselves to “just forget it” or “life's too short to worry so much.” They want answers – and they want justice. Incidents that have happened in the past (sometimes many years before) may linger in the mind of an adult with AS and may resurface at regular intervals (called “rumination”). When they do, it is as if the individual is re-experiencing the episode over again, and he may become suddenly and unexpectedly aggressive.



==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
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Is Poor Social Interaction Part of High Functioning Autism?

“My 10 year old only child has recently been diagnosed on the Autism spectrum (what is closest to Aspergers).  He has always had a difficult time making friends, which has become more problematic with the loss of 2 best friends in the last year.  He has never made lasting friendships. Is this part of high functioning autism? How can I help?”

Yes, poor social interaction is part of the disorder. Some kids with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autism (HFA) do seem to lack interest in others and may prefer solitary activities. For example, Ronnie, age 7, was very skilled at building with blocks and Legos. However, when another youngster would approach to try to join his play, he would become extremely angry, not wanting his play to be disturbed.



Inappropriate overtures towards others, or inappropriate responses to the approaches of other people are common occurrences. Michael, age 6, was fascinated with his next-door neighbor, Tyler, a toddler of 18 months. Unfortunately, his way of showing his interest in Tyler was hitting him over the head. Another youngster with Asperger’s, Craig, was somewhat more sophisticated in his technique. His way of showing his interest was throwing his arms around another youngster in a bear hug.

Difficulty forming friendships is a common fact of life for kids on the autism spectrum. Interestingly, what these kids mean by friendship may be decidedly different from what their typically developing peers mean. For example, Carson repeatedly referred to another youngster in his school, Brandon, as his best friend, although no one had observed the two boys talking or playing together. When asked what makes them friends, Carson replied that Brandon said hello to him.

Impairment in group play with peers is another common difficulty. Unfortunately, most of the team sports so common to school-age kids are terribly difficult for kids on the spectrum. Their troubles with social interaction and peer relationships make organized group sports a real challenge. Oftentimes, sports in which individual achievement is stressed (e.g., track, archery, fishing) are more successful.

Also, these young people have difficulty sharing enjoyment. They are less likely than their typical peers to share objects (e.g., food or toys) with others. They are not as likely to show others any items in which they are interested. And, they generally make more limited efforts to share feelings of enjoyment with peers.


So what can you do to help? Here are some tips:

1. Teach and model compassion. By giving your “special needs” youngster the skills he needs to be confident and compassionate, you increase the likelihood that friends will eagerly come into his life. And friends will give his life a richness and happiness he will always treasure.

2. Show your youngster how to be a good friend and make friends. The best way is to model the behavior you would like to see. There are several ways you can accomplish this at home: (a) be kind, give compliments, wave to a friend, and open the door for someone; (b) be understanding of what others are going through by showing empathy; (c) don’t complain, instead teach your son to accept what can't be changed by working hard to change the things that can; (d) have a sense of humor about yourself and your shortcomings; (e) help your youngster realize his own strengths; and (f) listen to your youngster without criticism.

3. Plan for some unstructured play time. Giving AS and HFA kids some unstructured time to play is important, because they learn the social skills they need so they can keep playing and have fun.

4. Offer a variety of opportunities for play and socializing. Host friends over for play dates or lunch. See if you can participate in a carpool and sign-up your youngster for group activities (e.g., art, drama, dance). Exposing him to different areas of play will help him learn to socialize.

5. Include your youngster when talking to people out of his normal range of peers. Take him to visit a neighbor, or bring him along to the dry cleaner. The more he is exposed to interacting with all kinds of people, the more he will learn to do the same.

6. Empathize with your youngster’s pain, but keep it in perspective. Making friends is a lifelong process and will have its ups and downs. Pain, unfortunately, is a part of it. All kids will experience some form of ‘normal’ social pain in their friendships. We can support them by listening and acknowledging their feelings.




More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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Anger-Control Contracts for Frustrated Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Would you say your child has frequent mood swings and an anger-management problem? If so, then read on…

As a parent of a child with Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA), it’s a very good idea to draw up a written contract detailing the things you want your child to practice in the course of his anger-management program. Drafting such a contract is a way of providing structure and support, which is crucial for children on the autism spectrum since they need and crave structure.

The items included in the contract should be written from the perspective of the child (i.e., phrased in the first person). For example, “When I get angry, I will stop what I’m doing and go get my favorite stuffed toy to hug” …rather than, “When Michael gets angry, he will stop what he’s doing and go get his favorite stuffed toy to hug.”



The details of the contract are important. You want to be very specific in describing:
  • The goals for the anger-control program (i.e., what you hope to accomplish)
  • What your child agrees to do in the service of those goals 
  • How and when your child will practice those things he has agreed to do

Do not include any obvious generalities as a program goal. For example (again, phrased from the child’s perspective), "I will stop over-reacting when my sister annoys me." Vague goals are impossible to measure and leave too much wiggle-room to compel real change. Instead of vague goals, describe specific situations that are upsetting to your child, and the specific behavioral techniques he will practice and use when confronted with those situations. For example, “I will take 10 deep breaths instead of hitting my sister.”

The contract you draw up should only cover a short span of time (1 to 3 days works best). Holding your child accountable over shorter periods of time will allow him to adapt to the contract as he learns to put anger-management techniques into practice. Shorter contract terms also help him to feel successful. You can reward your child upon successful completion of a short contract, feel good about that, and then create a new contract (also for a short time). Contrast this with a long contract where the child doesn’t get rewarded for weeks! Shorter contract terms and frequent small rewards for success make for the best, most effective contracts.

Examples of items to include in your child’s anger-control contract:

1. Timeouts: Have your child agree that he will take a temporary break (i.e., timeout) when confronted with angering situations, whenever this is possible to do. Taking the opportunity to step away from an angering situation will give him the space and time he needs to calm and gather himself, and to evaluate the situation from a more cool-minded perspective. He can return to the situation when he is done with his time-out. Often, a few minutes of “alone-time” can help AS and HFA children to better handle stressful situations.

2. Examining Angry Thoughts: The first thoughts that come into your AS or HFA child’s mind when he is angry are likely to be judgmental and based on incomplete information. If he simply reacts to these incomplete impressions, he will end up attacking the people he is upset with. Instead of just “going off,” have your child agree that he will carefully look at each circumstance that provokes his anger. The best time to do this is during the time-out that he should take before his anger gets out of control. Help your child learn to recognize the types of situations that trigger him, and the types of characteristic angry thoughts that tend to occur to him when he is faced with those triggers. He can take a timeout to decide whether or not reacting in anger will be his best choice. Help your child to retrain himself to think about provocative situations that would otherwise be guided by his automatic (and frequently wrong-headed) emotional reactions.

3. Listening Skills: Becoming a skillful active listener will improve your child’s communication abilities, thereby expanding his options for getting what he wants from other people. Thus, consider add a “listening skills” item to the contract, such as “I will stop what I’m doing and listen to my mother when she says she has something important to tell me.”

4. Relaxation Exercises: Have your child agree that he will practice relaxation exercises on a regular basis (preferably on a daily basis). Since learning to control his anger often means learning to react less violently during stressful situations, it will be beneficial for him to become skillful at relaxing himself. Relaxation techniques (e.g., deep breathing exercises, meditation, physical exercise, etc.) are an effective means of calming down. When practiced daily, relaxation techniques become a proactive means of reducing general overall arousal.

5. Signaling: Agree on a signal that you can give your child (e.g., hand gesture) when you see him starting to slide into old aggressive patterns. Once he receives the signal, he will know he needs to change his behavior to avoid escalating his anger. He may want to take a time-out, or agree to postpone an argument until he can speak about it from a more calm and rational place.

6. Speaking Assertively: Have your child agree that he will spend some time each day practicing assertive communication skills. He can write down the aggressive things he would like to say to people who make him mad (e.g., “I hate you for saying that”), and then re-write them in more assertive ways (e.g., “When you said _______, it hurts my feeling”). Have your child practice speaking the more assertive statements out loud in front of the mirror, or with you during role-playing. Practicing these statements in advance of angering situations will make them easier to use when he is confronted with the real thing.

7. Rewards: Write rewards for your child into the anger contract. He should receive a small reward each time he successfully does the things he said he would do during each short contract. The reward he chooses should be simple and reasonably healthy (something he won't mind going without if he has a setback in working his program, but nonetheless, something he really wants, is willing to work for, and can feel good about enjoying when he succeeds). Small, frequent rewards are more useful than infrequent, larger rewards.


Example of an anger-control contract:

Rule #1: I will treat family members respectfully. This means no kicking, pushing, shoving, hitting, throwing things, spitting at someone. No verbal (e.g., threatening to hit, kill, hurt) or physical threats or gestures of harm (e.g., holding up a fist, moving to push, shove) toward family members. No swearing at - or about - family members.

Consequences for violating Rule #1 within a 24-hour period: On the first violation, I lose my computer privileges for 24 hours. On the second violation, I also lose my iPhone for 24 hours. On the third violation, I also lose television privileges for 24 hours. On the fourth violation, I also lose my snacks for the day. On the fifth violation, I also get grounded FROM my bedroom until bed time. If I violate Rule #1 more than 5 times within a 24-hour period, I lose all the above privileges for 48 hours.

Rewards for following Rule #1: If I am respectful for three days in a row (i.e., no violations), I can choose one of the following rewards approved by my mom and dad:  
1. Go to a movie on the weekend with an approved friend.
2. Have an approved friend spend the night on the weekend.
3. Have a pizza night. 

The short contract above is just one example of how consequences and rewards can be applied to a particular rule violation. There are as many variations as there are families. But let's discuss the example above for a moment...

Some parents may be look at this example and decide that it is simply too strict. They may believe that if they take away this many privileges for this long, it will create more problems than it solves. To those parents, I have a few very important points to make:

First of all, it is not likely that your child will push the envelope to the point where he has lost everything for two days. That is the exception rather than the rule. He's probably much smarter than that.

Secondly, AS and HFA children are notorious for testing the limits. They want to see just how far they can push their parents and bend the rules. If the parent is of the mindset that it's simply easier to give in and let the child have his way in order to keep the peace, the child learns the following destructive lesson: "All I have to do is make a fuss, and my mom backtracks on the consequences." As you can imagine, this lesson will cause huge problems for the child in the future, because the real world does not operate like this, which brings me to my third point.

Thirdly, your child needs to understand the concept of "stacking the consequences." Let me explain: Imagine that you got pulled over by a police officer who accused you of speeding and is preparing to write you a very expensive speeding ticket. You are outraged and believe strongly that the officer is wrong in his assessment of how fast you were going. The officer asks you for your driver's license, but you refuse to show it to him. Then he “insists” that you produce a driver's license immediately! So you take it out of your purse and throw it in his face, which inadvertently hits him in the eye. Then the officer tells you to get out of the car and put your hands behind your back because you're now under arrest. Now, you believe the officer is out to get you, so you take off running. What just happened here? Well, you turned one charge (speeding) into three charges (speeding, assaulting an officer, and fleeing). You "stacked the charges." And you are going to pay the price for "stacking."

This is just one example of how the real world operates. In the real world, if you decide to make a series of poor choices, you also decide to receive a series of negative consequences associated with those choices. So, we as parents want to set up a system at home that is representative of the real world, because your child is going to have to deal with the real world eventually. And if you don't teach your child that violating rules results in negative consequences EACH AND EVERY TIME, the world will teach your child this lesson. But, unfortunately, the world doesn’t care about what is right or fair – and will teach this lesson in a very harsh and abrupt manner that may send your “naïve” child into a state of shock.

Lastly, consequences have to hurt to be effective. Let me repeat that: consequences have to hurt to be effective. Unfortunately, I see too many parents of children on the autism spectrum who are afraid to allow their child to experience uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices. They believe that their child will simply crumble under the weight of their discipline. This is called overprotective or overindulgent parenting. As a therapist, I have to tell you that this is the #1 parenting mistake I see in my practice, and it does more damage than I have time to discuss in this post. (Additional information can be found here).

The overprotective parent does tend to be a good advocate for her child, but unfortunately, this parent has moved from advocacy to enabling. If this sounds like you, then please understand that you are underestimating your child’s strengths and intelligence. He is capable of learning anything – and yes – this even includes learning how to receive consequences without tantrums or meltdowns.


Why anger-control contracts work for children on the autism spectrum:
  • A vital skill that every responsible youngster needs to learn is accountability. Anger-control contracts can help AS and HFA kids learn this critical principle early in life, and that will serve them well as grown-ups.
  • AS and HFA kids are highly motivated by anger-control contracts because they bring clarity to the situation. Oftentimes, these young people find themselves caught in a situation where they are not sure whether the behavior is acceptable or not, or whether it is worth it to them to make an appropriate choice (e.g., if the youngster throws a dinner plate and breaks it, he may or may not have understood the value of the plate or the consequence for breaking it). An anger-control contract helps both the parent and the child clearly understand what is expected. 
  • One of the key elements of a good anger-control contract is that it brings structure to the discipline process. Whether they admit it or not, AS and HFA kids are best served when there is clear structure. Specific rules and expectations, written down and associated with positive and negative consequences, provide a level of structure that helps these “special needs” kids feel more secure.




Summary of an effective anger-control contract:
  1. Have clear goals for the contract. You can't write an effective contract if you're not clear on exactly what you want your child to accomplish. Know what behaviors you want your youngster to change, and what you want him to do instead.
  2. Allow your youngster to have some input. Kids will be more likely to follow the terms of a contract when they have a hand in its creation. While you need to be the one to prepare the main aspects, leave some room for negotiation (e.g., allow your youngster to help you choose the consequences for breaking the contract rather than simply dictating the disciplinary measures yourself).
  3. Write out the contract, spelling out the goals, expectations and consequences very clearly. An AS or HFA youngster can’t abide by a contract if it's too vague or unclear. Be as specific as possible to reduce the chance of any misunderstandings.
  4. Go over the contract with your youngster and have him sign-off on it. This gives him a chance to ask questions or to seek clarification. By having him sign it, you get a concrete sign that he is agreeing to the terms. This also gives him subconscious “buy-in” because he is making that agreement in a tangible way.
  5. Get one or more people who want to support your child’s anger-management progress to co-sign as witnesses. Other caretakers, teachers, and even siblings (especially if they are older) can often recognize when the AS or HFA child is getting worked-up better than he can, so it is a good idea to include them in the anger plan, if possible.
  6. Keep the contract in a conspicuous place so you can easily refer to it. If your youngster is on the verge of breaking it, you can take it out and remind him of his agreement in concrete terms. If he still violates the contract, you can use it as a neutral touchstone by saying, "Remember when you signed your anger contract and agreed to follow these rules? You also agreed to these consequences if you broke the contract." This will help reduce anger and defensiveness when the consequences are issued.

Have you ever had a day where it seems that everything goes wrong? For example, you forgot to set your alarm clock. As a result, you really need to rush to work (and break the speed limit a bit - or a lot!). But there's a bad car accident on your usual commute, so that makes you even later. Then when you finally pull in the parking lot, you notice the place is unusually busy and congested, so you have to park 3 blocks away - now you're really late!! But this is just the beginning!!! The day doesn't get any better from that point on. When you finally get home, all you want to do is take a sleeping pill and hit the sack.

Imagine if most days were like this one. Unfortunately, for a lot of kids on the autism spectrum, many days feel this overwhelming. Little wonder why some may have more than their fair share of moodiness and meltdowns. But, as a parent, you can make life less stressful for your child by drafting a contract that will help him find some structure and support in an otherwise chaotic and unfriendly world.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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