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Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to Sit Through Church Services

Question

"We are a Christian family who would like to attend church on a regular basis. However, since our child with high-functioning autism has certain issues (e.g., hates big crowds, hates wearing a dress shirt, hates sitting still for longer than a few minutes at a time, hates the loud organ music, hates the feel of the hard wood pews, and on ...and on ...and on), we have found that it is just easier to stay home. Is there anything we can do to help him with this?"

Answer

Making it through a church service with a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can be a true test of faith. Between keeping him under control and warding off the evil eye of fellow church members, you may feel that no one in your family is getting anything out of the service.

If you have your heart set on some kind of ideal worship experience in which your neatly dressed youngster sits quietly for every minute of the service, you’re probably out of luck. But that doesn’t mean your family should give up and stay home.

Try these techniques for getting the most out of each church service (even with a child on the spectrum):

1. Be careful that what you’re offering as an incentive actually encourages good behavior (e.g., threatening to leave if behavior does not improve may backfire if leaving the church is exactly what your youngster wants to do). Make sure the alternative to sitting through church is even more painful (e.g., sitting in the car by himself until the service is over).

2. Big rewards with long time-frames often backfire. If your youngster feels unable to comply after a short while, he may decide the reward is unattainable, and then have no incentive to behave at all. Offer your youngster very small reinforcements after very short intervals of successful behavior control (e.g., a sticker or a cracker or a chance to play with your keys every 5 minutes, a walk to the bathroom every 15 minutes, etc.).



3. Practice sitting through church. As with all "training" – it starts at home. Pull together half-a-dozen chairs or so and arrange them in a row (like the pews at church). Then you and your youngster (along with any other family members that want to join in) sit in them for short periods of time. Your Aspergers child and his siblings might sit there while you read them a story or do a puzzle. These are short periods of time (e.g., just 5 minutes to start with). Then go a little longer (e.g., 10 minutes).

4. If certain objects or activities (e.g., drawing, writing, crackers, fidget toys, stuffed animal, chewy tube, weighted vest, etc.) help your youngster control impulses and stay calm in other settings, bring it along to your church service. You may see a few raised eyebrows, but not as many as you will if your youngster has a meltdown during church.

5. Consider sitting in front. Most moms and dads have a tendency to sit in the back because they don’t feel like the whole church sees when their kids act up, and they can make an easy exit. But crouch down to your youngster’s level. They can’t see anything besides the back of people’s heads. They don’t see why they are there. They often behave a lot better when they can see what is going on. In many churches, there are side aisles, so while you sit up front, you don’t necessarily sit front and center, so you can still make an easy exit. Your place of worship may even have a door off to the side to a hallway. But even if you don’t have that, it is less distracting to everyone than you think if you need to walk down the aisle to the exit.

6. If your youngster is unable to sit still and be quiet and behave appropriately in any other place, don’t expect church to have some sort of magical transforming effect on him. Don’t set your youngster up for failure by setting goals he is unable to achieve.

7. Consider using headphones for the quietest times of the church service and allowing your youngster to listen to soft, calming music.

8. Try different areas of the church for sitting. You may have sat in the very back pew for years but now find that it can be helpful to move up.

9. Don’t neglect your own spiritual needs during the task of keeping your youngster quiet and contained. Put less emphasis on having the ideal church experience, and more on experiencing the moment.

10. You don’t have to make it all the way through the service for it to be a good experience. Sometimes planning for success involves knowing when to leave. If you have noticed your Aspie can be good for the first 20 minutes and then loses it, leave after 20 minutes and make a big deal about how great that was. Then set 30 minutes as the next goal ...then 45 …then maybe your child can go the full hour or so.

11. Over time, you can drop some of the “supports” that enable your Aspie to participate in the service. You may find that familiarity breeds success. Your youngster knows what to expect, how long church lasts, and even that going to Communion means it’s almost over.

12. Use the “going-out-to-eat-after-church” method. Some Aspergers children can sit still and act halfway civil for extended periods of time IF they know they will be going to one of their favorite restaurants immediately after church.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Attend Saturday night mass
•    Anonymous said... Get him involved in sunday school during the church service. Tell the teacher at sunday school about his condition so they can give him extra attention. I am sure they wouldn't mind...
•    Anonymous said... I let my daughter play on her Kindle Fire while we are siting with all of the people. I know she is paying more attention while playing then she would be with me trying to get her to sit still. It is something we have had to work up to, even on bad days we still sit outside the doors.
•    Anonymous said... I think staying home is the best option. Besides secondary school, being forced to go to church was the worst nightmare of my childhood.
•    Anonymous said... I wanted to take my children church as well. I went through an ugly divorce a few years back. My son is high functioning Aspergers. We went to an old church in the country, and those folks were so accepting of us and my son's behaviors. When I was downstairs, the pastor discussed with the parishioners my son's diagnosis. They were wonderful, and loving and generous. They are in church, not to judge, but to share their faith. We eventually moved to a church with children's program, but I will always be thankful for them. For your son, ask if you can reserve a corner in the back pew, then you can take turns leavin g with him if needed.....don't worry what about he wears, he's in church and there is no dress code for God, let him wear what he is comfortable in....let him bring a cushion, or pillow, or fabric he would enjoy sitting on.....let him wear ear plugs, (my son wears the headphones that came with our van to go to movies...it muffles the sound).....give him a puzzle or activity he can do quietly during church. I tell my children God likes variety and if our children are welcome anywhere...it better be in God's church. Blessings.
•    Anonymous said... Many churches now have groups for autistic children. Ours does! Call around and ask.
•    Anonymous said... My asd 10year old helped run the creche for holiday club this year, 10 years of God's love and he's keen to give back. There are times people comment on all the children's behaviour at church, just smile, breath deeply and remember that Jesus said, let the children come to me. I know not everyone on here is a Christian, but everyone needs support and I'll b praying for you.
•    Anonymous said... My children attend church every week, in fact our lives revolve around our faith, but they never wear smart clothes, and everyone knows my elder son is autistic. Church isn't there for the good, quiet kids an their families. Church is there for the lost and the broken. Anyone in church not helping you find a way of accessing faith for your children is not a Christian, I'm afraid churches can be full of judgemental non Christians. But look deeply, ask for support and be prepared to look around. We could not get through life without the support of our church family, pray for guidance and the right place will happen. X
•    Anonymous said... My daughter used to take a tea set to church each week and wander around giving cups of pretend tea and coffee to people. No one was offended by this and now she is 10 and can sit through a service also helps holding babies and supports other children. I could not get through the past 6 weeks without my faith and church.
•    Anonymous said... Why would you put your child through that for your beliefs?
•    Anonymous said... you could find another church. My cousin is Catholic but with her autistic son she is going to a less formal Evangelical church and has for many many years. Not all churches want formal dress and many can be laid back and understanding. When my daughter was small, before her diagnosis, we went to a local one that is happy just to let the little ones, autistic or not, just wander about and play. When my daughter got older she liked the order of the litergy and we went back to mass, but people there are ok with us sitting at the back, her just reading/with nintendo as that what it takes for her to be able to sit still, and for her to quietly nip out if the crowds/noise got too much. God made our children the way they are and they should be accepted the way they are in a church.
•    Anonymous said…  Churches need to have an ante-room for small children, mothers with babies, and others. Ours has a speaker fitted in the room and glass panels so the adults don't miss out on the service. York Street Church of Christ is where I go.
•    Anonymous said…  Find a church thats more interested in Christianity and not vanity..there is no reason you should have to dress up for church..
•    Anonymous said…  Keep him in comfy clothes and let him bring a few items that comfort him. My son with HFA loves to bring hot wheels, he doesn't even play with them he just keeps them because they make him feel good. We also take him out during the greetig time which is too overwhelming for him. Your church is probably a loving and accepting environment so dont stress. Jesus said "let the children come" and that meant all kinds.
•    Anonymous said…  Maybe teach the church to be more accepting of him would be a good start? Is there any reason that he HAS to dress a certain way or sit in the pews? Can he bring a bean bag/comfortable chair? The Church should be accepting of ALL Gods creations, not just NT ones. I have often found that they need reminding of this.
•    Anonymous said…  My son is 10 and will only wear soft clothes. Church isn't about wearing fancy clothes, let him wear whatever he's comfortable in. We tried getting himto wear nice clothes, but it was a losing battle, so now he can just wear what he's comfortable in. Does your church have a kids area? My son cannot stand being in the service as he can't sit still for long and finds it boring. Looking at it from kid's view point, I can understand that.
Have you prayed, asking God what direction you should go in? Maybe look at having a time of fellowship/church at home? Just a thought.
•    Anonymous said…  My son to this day will not wear a button down shirt. (Age 32) when he was little he wore Polo shirts to church. I have seen elderly folks bring seat cushions. We usually say in the front that way he didn't notice the crowd so much. The piano didn't phase him and organ was seldom used. Oddly enough he didn't mind the sign of peace or shaking hands with priest as we exited after mass.
•    Anonymous said…  Our church does not have a dress code, tshirt and jeans are perfectly fine, the kids have their own room where they have music (noise reduction headphones are provided for those who need them) and we have a sensory room so that if any child needs a break they can go in there to use the beanbags, weighted stuffed animals or blankets, etc and then rejoin the rest of the group when they aware ready. There aware churches like mine who understand different needs and meet them. Call around your area and talk to the Children's Director, if they don't already have something like this in place then encourage them to do so in order for everyone to be able to attend church and know God's love.
•    Anonymous said…  Our son has the same problem. Do not fear. We go to a Catholic Church. Our son used to scream and throw a fit. We use to take turns going to Mass not because we weren't accepted but because we couldn't relax and focus. We not take our son every Sunday. He is 10. He still gets upset if we have an older priest who talks to slow. He has learned to handle it. We ignore many of his antics and ignore anyone who seems to have a problem. Most of the parishioners know us and our family and love our son. Just relax and don't let people make you look unkindly on your church. Go for you and then take him gradually as he grows up. Our Dr. Said there is no reason he should not be going with us. you are in our prayers. We have been there and still are. Persevere.
•    Anonymous said…  We use black ear plugs for loud singing. They are small. My teen must attend church. special plan for your child. They are a blessing. :)

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By

Poor Academic Performance & Behavioral Problems in Teens on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old and was diagnosed with Aspergers, ODD and ADHD about three years ago. Everyday seems to be getting worse for him in school. He is so extremely intelligent but he refuses to do anything in class and the last 9 weeks he has seriously dropped his grades, been suspended from school twice and received After School Detention. I am not sure how I can make him see that this is not helping him in the long run or how to change his behaviors so that he and I are not miserable all the time. I have tried talking to him, I have tried taking away his video and computer games and I have tried not speaking and even yelling. We both could use some help finding ways to make it through together. He is in the 8th grade and I am not expecting immediate changes but I am running out of ideas and literally believe I am at the end of my rope. I am a single mom who is studying Psychology, but I am at a loss. I know I’m young and this diagnosis has effected both of us and those around us, but I do not want my son to continue to be miserable day in and day out. Anything you can suggest is greatly appreciated I am willing to try almost anything. Thank you.

Answer

First of all, if your son doesn’t have an IEP or a 504 plan, that would be your first step. You didn’t mention anything about that in your email, so assuming he does NOT have one, please type "IEP" in the search box at the top of this page to educate yourself about this.

Regarding the behavioral problems, this is the ODD/ADHD part of his diagnosis that is rearing its ugly head. To help you determine the reasons why your son behaves the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:
  • Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always?
  • Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem?
  • Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options?
  • Has he made a rule that can't be followed?
  • Is he blaming the teacher for something that is beyond the teacher's control?
  • Is he exaggerating the importance of an event?
  • Is he expecting perfection in himself?
  • Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true?
  • Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go?

Here are some ways you can help your son with his behavioral issues:

1. Be a role model for your son in handling your own stress in a healthy way. If your son sees you talking to others about problems, taking time to relax, and living a healthy lifestyle, your example is likely to rub off.

2. Be clear about rules and consequences. Let your son know specifically what is expected and together decide on consequences for misbehavior. Then follow through. Teach ways of handling difficult situations. Talk through and role-play with your son how he can handle a stressful situation.



3. Encourage your son to write about worries in a journal.

4. Give back rubs and hugs. A short back or shoulder rub can help your son relax and show him you care. Gentle physical touch is a powerful stress reliever.

5. Help your son talk about what is bothering him. Don’t force him to talk, but offer opportunities. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” ask questions such as, “How are things going at school with your teacher?” Do not criticize what your son says or he will learn not to tell you things that bother him.

6. Maintain family routines. Knowing what to expect helps your son feel grounded and secure, especially during times of transition. Maintain family routines around bedtime, TV, and family meals as much as possible.

7. Make regular use of “social stores” to help your son adjust to changes. You can find more information on social stories on our sister website: www.AspergersSocialStories.com

8. Show your son the positive ways that you handle change. Talk about how you feel during times of change and about what you do to cope. For example, let your son see the lists you make to help you stay organized and focused.

9. Spend special one-to-one time. Find hobbies or other activities that you can do alone with your son. This allows for time to talk as well as time for having fun together.

10. Teach relaxation skills. Show your son how to relax by remembering and imagining pleasant situations like a favorite vacation or happy experience.

11. Teach your son that mistakes are OK. Let him know that all people, including you, make mistakes. Mistakes are for learning.

12. Tell stories about dealing with stress. For example, if your son is afraid of a new situation, tell a story about how you once felt in a similar situation and what you did to cope, or find a library book that shows a child coping successfully with stress.

Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often appear pig-headed, stubborn, and down-right rude when they are faced with change. Let’s be honest: they don’t want to step outside their sandbox. Moms and dads in this situation not only need to understand that their child is “routine-based,” but they need to proactively predict when their child will require a routine. But, never forget that your son doesn’t believe that he is doing something wrong by presenting as stubborn towards change. He is merely trying to protect himself — and he wants you to help him feel secure by allowing him to do things in a sturdy, structured way. Using the tips above should make things run a bit more smoothly.

It would also be a good idea to provide your son’s teacher with some information that will help her to make certain accommodations. This may be the most important part of the solution!

I would get a note from the doctor who diagnosed your child with the disorder so the teachers can verify (this will help establish some credibility). Then you should provide teachers with an information sheet to help educate them about it. Here is a sample information sheet that you can tailor to your individual needs. It should help teachers understand and deal with some of the everyday questions that come up regarding Aspergers and HFA.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and HFA Teens


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I could type for hours how we struggled with the same. We found help with the right school and doctor and things changed a ton.
•    Anonymous said... I forgot to add we removed our boy from school for. 3 years & home schooled him also got a tutor in for maths & English until he got back on his feet as the bullies put him in a dark place & affected his confidence but long term we never felt that this was a good option as we thought he would never learn to cope or learn how to deal with situations x
•    Anonymous said... My son is 14 and in 10th grade. We've had these same struggles with the school system. I could spend hours writing about all the horror stories, but they are probably pretty similar to yours. In 6th grade we pulled him out of middle school except for band and had him doing online school. Over the years we've integrated him back into public school, and now we're down to full time public school again. I must say that was the best decision we ever made! He couldn't function around the other kids, the noises, the lights, long days ect. It was just too much for him to handle. It was a sensory overload. When he was able to do his school work in a quiet familiar place at his own pace it made all the difference. We still struggle with the school system, and with teachers following the 504 to collect his homework from him, and make sure it's written down in his planner. I've gotten teachers that have said, well that's not age appropriate. HA! We pulled him out of that class. Just like childhood, there are teachers that don't know how to follow the rules and play nice. Look around for other alternatives. Main stream school isn't always a good fit for kids like ours, but there are so many alternatives. Just keep looking around until you find something that works for him. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said... My son is also 13 & has asperger syndrome we have had the same struggles iv he's gone through 2 mainstream primary schools that where rubbish & had no understanding or help for him but the 3rd one we put him to was fantastic he got so much help & support he is now in 2nd year of high school & still gets a lot of help & support they have a time out card for him if things get to much & a support unit within school if he's not coping & our doctor is great these things I have found have made a huge difference for him best of luck I'm here if you want a chat I know how hard it is x
•    Anonymous said... This is a response from an unacceptable situation for the child. It sounds like there is no adaptions for him at all in school, and in that case I'm not surprised at all that he acts the way he does. He is burnt out from trying so hard to be like others, but see he is NOT like others. Every sound, every energy flowing around, all the studies will eventually burn both ends of the candle. He needs a huge break, adapted school days(half school days, half weeks, private teaching. He should have had this long time ago. He is crying out for help. You need to be his biggest protector, his attorney, his supporter. Help him before he hits a deep depression. Schools and parents often expect aspies to adapt into the school system, but the school system have to be adapted to the aspie. He is a good kid, but right now he needs a break, a big one. Help him before he gets too hurt inside.
•    Anonymous said… Honestly believe those years are the toughest. Hopefully with a little more time and maturity things will get better. It has for us. Hang in there, Wish I could offer some other advice.
•    Anonymous said… I don't know what it's like where you live, but round here there's a lot of bullying, and most of the secondary schools seem to turn a blind eye to the bullying and punish the kids who retaliate, this made school impossible for my son who has an enormous sense of justice
•    Anonymous said… I empathize with your pain. Get an advocate and don't quit insisting that he needs additional services.
•    Anonymous said… Im sorry to hear your son is having a hard time at school. That is so stressful for us parents as well as him. Does his school have a learning suport department or a 'go to ' person that offrs him support at school?? My middle son 13 ASD. We have been really fortunate to have a fantastic learning support department at the secondary school which had extra orientation for the learning support kids on transitioning to highschool and who is his 'go to'people for any issues and also run special groups for the 'ls' kids on socialising/puberty/basically challenges in growing up. This does not mean all the teachers on class understand ASD. This can still be a huge challenge but have found open communication with email/school diary and the ls teachers helps try to bridge the gap. Don't get me wrong, we still have challenging weeks but They have been a great support for both our son and us as parents.
•    Anonymous said… My 5 yo is going through the same thing , I don't think they get the encouragement at school they need it always negative attention ! Once the teacher labels the child the class follows her lead , why not include my child why not welcome my child ?
•    Anonymous said… My 6yo told me yesterday night that he lashed out because of anxiety and fear. Sit down and talk to them. They trust you enough to tell you their true feeling.
•    Anonymous said… My child just got re-diagnosed with the exact same thing. 2 years ago thy said he was High functioning autistic, then we got him reevaluated and he has the same thing your son has as Aspergers, ODD AND ADHD. He has been getting in trouble in school everyday but his grades are good it's just he doesn't listen and gets aggressive with the children.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 15 (ASD high-functioning) very intelligent. Enroll in a private school from next year as classes are too big. He is on a light anti-depressant to help with the stress and anxiety. He was bullied last year, but we found out and dealt with it. I also know that some kids are very cruel and calling them names which hurt very much. Please find out if he's been bullying...does the school have a psychologist on premises? Do your kid use medication? Make sure that he taking his meds. Watch out for meltdowns...our kids are special, have the right to be here. They're minors and us parents must stand up for them, be their voice!!!! Speak to the psychologist, principal, but make noise. Don't allow your child to be targeted. Strongs!!!
•    Anonymous said… My son now is 11 is struggling in school all the time it is a challenge for kids now and days with stress and anxiety that they have he does good one week and bad the next you just need to find things to help him out in school small brakes , rewards , and a ton of patience I know it's frustrating but he is smart once he gets his mind to it and learns very fast. You have the right to have iep meeting ne time you need a behavior plan to take place as well ;)))
•    Anonymous said… Seems like there is another issue that is going on that he is not telling you about. My oldest (who just turned 18 today) would lash out and act out and I finally caught on that there was something wrong (this has always been her way but didn't realize why til recently) found out it was as simple as a life skill class scared her. She doesn't want to grow up and doesn't want to do things that most people do daily. Once we understood and got her to talk to us she has improved. Good luck
•    Anonymous said… The more that you spend time doing what he likes the more your son will open up to you. Don't give up. smile emoticon
•    Anonymous said… We went thru the same thing, now he is in a private school and doing awesome, mellowed out and it did get better like others are saying.
•    Anonymous said… Have you tried changing his diet? The Feingold diet was literally a life changer for us. Good luck x
•    Anonymous said… Hi there we went through the same thing with our son. Please hang in there it does get better. Our son is now in his second year of college and doing well. Most important for our son was being consistent with our expectations. Maturity was a definite factor for our son too. By senior year he had a B average. Good luck to you and know that you aren't alone and neither is he.
•    Anonymous said… Home school is not always the answer. More work with the school and the iep. Have to keep going until they understand what is making his day so difficult.
•    Anonymous said… homeschooling did it for us, best thing I've ever done for my boy
•    Anonymous said… I am going through the same thing ...I am so tired and stressed and drained ...14 year old son , diagnosed aspergers/adhd/ and now we have anxiety from not being treated correctly . We are on school # 3 right now ...and i cannot get him to attend ... i am ready for meds for him which i have fought for years but i cant take much more
•    Anonymous said… I can see you have already had the same advice but I can't stress enough how much happier my son is now he has moved into a special needs school. He has high functioning autism, ADHD, dysbraxia and hypermobility. I was worried about his education being over looked because he is highly intelligent. The school is fantastic they are able to meet his academic ability but at the same time provide the therapy and understanding he really needs just to get through a day. I only wish I had moved him earlier. He was 10yrs when he changed. He will stay at this school now until he is 19.
•    Anonymous said… I had all these problems and some, but I am lucky enough to be able to quit my job and home school my 10yr old son, he has improved in all areas since, it's been 2yrs now
•    Anonymous said… I have the same experience. A 13 year old who pretty much all of his school life has been on some kind of behavior plan and has had frequent discipline issues. Always because he talks over the teacher, argues and generally does not follow class rules. This is a way of life for us and I make sure to work closely with teachers to establish a relationship so we are all on the same page and try to work together. At the end of the day though, my son is not scared of detention, MIP, getting an MIR so discipline really has no effect on him. He does not have control of his responses because he does not think like his peers, he is like a toddler, thinking only about himself with low self control. I just accept that school will always be a battle, we just take each day as it comes and remember the other side of things, that he is incredibly smart and capable and an adorable child when he is not arguing or defiant! We have to accept the whole picture not just focus on the bad things. Kids like him are not meant to fit into the cookie cutter schools we have and forcing them to do so just creates even more problems. One day our schools will be tailored to our children, for not we just have to make it through and support as much as we can from all sides.
•    Anonymous said… I read a about cannabis and autism where it's used in the states a lot with great success. I'd recommend everyone look into this as a form of treatment...
•    Anonymous said… i would reccommend homeschooling if its possible. It sounds like your son might be rebelling against the box these poor kids are forced into called school. Lots of luck and love.
•    Anonymous said… I would recommend an IEP tailered to your son's situation. There may be accommodations the school can make which would help him. Once he finds a subject in school that really interests him, that high IQ will come in handy and he will thrive!
•    Anonymous said… If you live near the coast, take him surfing. It won't help for school but do wonders for him. Sorry I can't help with the school part.
•    Anonymous said… My 15 year old daughter is thriving in internet based school. It takes a way all of annoyances and allows her to focus on the education. I do worry sometimes about the socializing, but the positves outweigh the negatives. Good luck to you
•    Anonymous said… Our DS14 fled from school. The admin changed for Jr. High and things were just unbearable. We've been homeschooling since. He is so much happier. We go to Language Therapy weekly, but do the rest of education with apps and videos.
•    Anonymous said… The best thing that we did for my son was to put him in a new school. He is at a therapeutic school and doing fantastic! Check your state laws....and alternative schools in your area. The school system you are in should pay for your child to go there and transportation to and from. It was a long process for us but my son got in trouble so that made the process speed up a little. Each child is entitled to an education and learning environment they can succeed in... Hopefully these resources are available in your area. If they aren't...even if they are... Social skills groups will help a lot!
•    Anonymous said… We had moved to a different state and my 15 year old son was miserable. He begged for two years to move back. We moved back for him to do high school and boy am I glad. He has an autism support teacher who talks with all the other teachers and arranges for his accommodations written in his IEP. It is so nice that we don't have to keep calling parent/ teacher meetings. These kids know what they need we just have to listen!
•    Anonymous said… We have two sons with AS, ADHD, ODD & MD.....now 18 & 20. Both lost the plot in Yr8/9 and we never thought we'd get through it. We did! Older son is in 2nd year of a civil construction traineeship & loves it. Younger son is about to re-enrol in University. Even NT kids have "phases".....try making him part of any decision making process & encourage him to seek advice/support from a favourite teacher or aide. You will get through this.
•    Anonymous said… with adhd he probably can't perceive the 'future' it's more in the moment, he's probably too stressed to 'behave' I'd see if it's possible to go down the route Maura suggested

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By

Aspergers Kids and Sensory Issues: 2-Minute Tip

Dealing with sensory sensitivities in children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism:





By

How Children on the Autism Spectrum Can Avoid Being Bully Victims

When an Aspergers or high-functioning autistic (HFA) child does not feel safe in school, it is impossible for that student to learn or participate in the educational process in a productive manner. Children who are bullied spend their entire time trying to escape the harassment, the violence, the humiliation, and the shame of being a victim.

As this injustice goes unchecked, the child on the autism spectrum becomes more and more convinced that no one will rescue him, because no one sees or understands his attempt to communicate that he is, in fact, a victim. Also, he becomes angrier and angrier until he begins to cope with his victimization by either (a) emulating the characteristics of a bully or (b) dropping out of school altogether.

Children who are bullied:
  • Are more likely to have health complaints. In one study, being bullied was associated with physical health status 3 years later.
  • Are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.
  • Are more likely to retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.
  • Have decreased academic achievement (GPA and standardized test scores) and school participation.
  • Have higher risk of depression and anxiety, including the following symptoms that may persist into adulthood: changes in sleep and eating patterns; increased feelings of sadness and loneliness; loss of interest in activities.
  • Have increased thoughts about suicide that may persist into adulthood. In one study, grown-ups who recalled being bullied in youth were 3 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts or inclinations.

Why are students on the spectrum such an easy target for bullies?

Children with Aspergers and HFA are bullied more frequently for several reasons:

1. A child with the disorder takes things very literally. This may mean that it becomes difficult for him to follow a lot of what his peers are talking about, which in turn, may make him appear “stupid” to his peers (an unfair label).

2. Children with Aspergers and HFA may have difficulty paying attention to more than one piece of information, which may cause them to stay 'stuck' in a conversation. Such actions can have adverse effects on their social skills and make it difficult for them to hold conversations and make friends.



3. Some children on the autism spectrum learn that they have to ask a question to start a conversation, but then, instead of listening to the answer, they ask question after question, in effect drilling their peers and making them feel uncomfortable.

4. The two- to three-year lag in maturity and difficulty reading social cues that autistic kids are prone to are also contributing factors to bullying.

5. Their difficulties reading social cues cause them to irritate peers. Difficulties in reading social cues range from (a) trouble understanding the zones of personal space, causing them to stand too close to others, to (b) a lack of basic conversation skills.

6. These children often have a low frustration tolerance. When frustration increases and reaches a threshold, it can lead to a meltdown, which makes the child stand out as being different.

7. They have passions, certain things that they focus on, but they may have a hard time talking about anything else, which is often annoying to peers.

8. They may have poor motor skills, which makes them stand out as clumsy.

9. They may not understand social banter, and so they become easy targets for teasing.

Research has long shown that students with an Autism Spectrum Disorder are far more at risk for being bullied than other students. One study found that 82% of these children claimed to have been bullied. Children on the spectrum may be overly sensitive and reactive, which attracts the attention of bullies. But it’s not just students on the spectrum – any student who is different from the norm is vulnerable. And sometimes schools are anything but helpful: One study showed that 25% of teachers see nothing wrong with bullying.

Unfortunately, YOUR child may be a victim of bullying – BUT you may not even know about it. Why? Because some kids don’t tell their parents about the abuse they are experiencing at school – they keep it a secret.

Reasons for secrecy tend to fall into one of seven categories:

1. The fear that grown-ups will do nothing: Children may be skeptical that adults can, or will, take steps to stop a bully.

2. The fear of losing a friendship: Sometimes the relationship between bullies and victims isn't so straightforward. If the victim counts the bully as a friend (or wants to be his friend), telling may not seem like an option.

3. Power: Bullying is marked by one participant — the bully — possessing more power than the other, whether that power is real or perceived. Kids learn to gain power by aggression and to accept when others wield aggressive power. So a "weak" victim is not likely to tattle.

4. Retaliation: To some children, the logic is simple: Tell a grown-up and make the bully angrier.

5. Self-blame: Victims may feel shame and blame themselves for their situation. One Aspergers boy stated he was at fault for his victimization, because he was "a little nerdy."

6. The cloak of secrecy: Bullying often happens out of adults' sight, in settings such as hallways and school lunchrooms. Thus, bullying stays between the victim, the bully and peer bystanders.

7. Vulnerability: Children who are bullied are often less accepted by their peers and may struggle with social skills. They may yearn for acceptance from the very people who torment them. So, they keep trying …and trying …and trying to get acceptance, hoping that someday they will “fit-in.”

What can be done?

Each Aspergers and HFA youngster has his/her own temperament. Some enjoy higher levels of social activity while others prefer less. While this may be a preference the youngster is born with, much of what experts call ‘social competence’ or the ability to get along with others is skill-based or learned. This means that it can be practiced and improved upon, especially if the youngster’s parent is a patient coach.

These kids don’t need to be the most popular in their class, but they do need good social skills to avoid being targets of bullying and social isolation. Being sociable helps us with resilience (the ability to withstand hard times). Those who are constantly rejected by peers are lonely and have lower self-esteem. When they are older, these kids are more likely to drop out of school and use drugs and alcohol. Moms and dads can help their special needs kids learn social skills so that they are not constantly rejected and bullied – or begin to bully and reject others.

Social skills include our emotions, intellect, ethics, and behaviors. Emotionally we learn to manage strong feelings (e.g., anger) and show empathy for others. Our intellect is used to solve relationship conflicts and make decisions. Ethically we develop the ability to sincerely care for others and engage in socially-responsible actions. Behaviorally we learn specific communication skills such as turn-taking and how to start a conversation.

Moms and dads can act as coaches for their kids to develop these social skills. Kids learn a lot from how parents treat them and from how parents interact with others. Parents, like other coaches, will need to be creative and specific in teaching social skills. Beyond saying “You need to be better at X,” good coaches teach concrete skills and then support the use of these skills across a variety of situations. The goal should be not just to teach these young people to “be nice” but also to help them to advocate for themselves as well as care for others.

Most kids experience occasional rejection, and most kids are sometimes socially clumsy, insensitive, or even unkind.

Signs that a youngster may need some social coaching include:
  • Lacks at least one or two close mutual friends
  • Has trouble losing or winning gracefully
  • Doesn’t show empathy when others are hurt or rejected
  • Acts bossy or insists on own way a lot
  • Can’t seem to start or maintain a conversation
  • Uses a louder voice than most kids
  • Seems constantly ignored or victimized by other kids or constantly teases or annoys other kids

Moms and dads should use a 4-part strategy when helping their kids develop social skills:
  1. Point out
  2. Practice
  3. Praise
  4. Prompt
These four steps can be used when you notice that your youngster needs to work on a particular social skill. Before using them, however, you should point out the problem area sensitively and privately (not in front of others) to your youngster.

1. Point Out: Moms and dads can use opportunities to point out when others are using the desired skills. It might be a specific behavior of the parent, another grown-up, a youngster, or even a character in a book or on TV. The idea is to give your kid examples and role models of people engaging in the appropriate social skill.

2. Practice: A mother or father can help their youngster substitute a specific appropriate response for a specific inappropriate one. This might mean brainstorming with the youngster about different alternative responses, and then practicing one or more with him or her. Practicing can involve mapping out actual words to say or behaviors to use, role-playing, and using the newly learned skills in real situations.

3. Praise: Often times, Aspergers and HFA kids are not eager to work on new skills, so moms and dads must reward their kids with praise when the new skills are practiced as a way of helping the skills become habits. This might be a specific verbal statement (“You did an awesome job of X instead of Y when you got upset at the store”), a nonverbal sign such as a thumbs up, or even a treat (10 minutes extra ‘fun time’ before bedtime).

4. Prompt: Without nagging, moms and dads can gently remind their youngster to use a new skill when the opportunity arises. This might be verbal (“Now might be a good time to count to ten in your head”) or nonverbal (a nonverbal cue such as zipping the lips when a youngster is about to interrupt).

Any good coach knows that patience is important, because learning new skills takes time and practice. And everyone differs in how long it takes to learn something new. Coaches often have to be creative in their teaching strategies, because all kids have different ways of learning.

The important thing to remember is that the ability to have good social relationships is not simply about personality or in-born traits. Children who get along with other children have learned skills to do so, and they practice these regularly. Just like a good coach can make the difference for a budding basketball player, moms and dads can help their kids become socially skilled.

There is definitely a connection between a child’s social deficits and being the target bullying. One leads to the other in most cases, unfortunately. According to statistics, when a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism learns social skills needed to gain acceptance from a peer-group, he (a) reduces his chances of being bullied by over 80%, (b) feels better about himself, (c) reduces the risk of dropping out of school due to school-anxiety issues, and (d) has a 3x greater chance of finding and maintaining gainful employment as a young adult.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  parents hate when I suggest separation, yet safe zones that allow us to learn in an environment sensitive to our processing needs in an atmosphere free from fear and oppression is exactly what we need. let me be clear, the whole purpose is to teach children to thrive outside the seclusion, with their peers in society, the method is actually tried and true, they call it "immersion therapy" I am just applying it to society in general. not too mention, we would benefit greatly from much more dedicated, individualized, learning structures , where we can question the teachers and follow intuitions that lead outside the general academic offerings.
•    Anonymous said… Except that if they did that most schools would lose half their pupils, I think all kids dabble with bullying at some point or other, just to feel that power, so in the end there's not enough peer pressure to stop bullying, and sadly it's our atypical kids who bear the brunt of it most of the time.
•    Anonymous said… get the school guidance counsellor involved. it's a good place to start. Plus document everything with dates and what happened or what your child is doing differently, how they are behaving, how their grades are doing, if they want to go to school. you can include this info in your letter for help if you need to write one in the future.
•    Anonymous said… I have found that teachers a to damm scared to interfere in things like the bullies in the school .I took matters into my own hands with my granbabe ,he was being bullied and I complained for 2 weeks then bang took matters into my own hands and delt with the bully scared the life out of him all has been quiet ever since .
•    Anonymous said… My kindergartener has so much anxiety about a boy in his class and the teacher will not do anything. She is blaming my son for being scared of nothing, clearly there is something going on!
•    Anonymous said… What if the only reason they hate school is because they will be away from the parent? I'm literally going insane. For my 11yr old son last year was tough and since summer it has become very stressful. Now in an ESE classroom but this semester has been horrible. He thinks something will happen to me if we're apart, or that I'm going to leave him.

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Peer-Rejection, Ridicule and Bullying: Help For Aspergers Children

Though they want to be accepted by their friends, Aspergers children tend to be very hurt and frustrated by their lack of social competency. Their inability to “connect" to others is made worse by the negative feedback that Aspergers children receive from their painful social interactions (e.g., bullying, teasing, rejection, etc.).

The worse they perform socially, the more negative feedback they get from peers, so the worse they feel and perform. Due to this consistent negative social feedback, many Aspergers children and teens feel depressed, anxious and angry, which just compounds their social difficulties by further paralyzing them in social situations.

Click here for help ==> Teaching Social Skills & Emotion Managment
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Amazing Parenting Tricks for Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

Amazing or not, raising a child with Aspergers or high functioning autism (HFA) will take a few "tricks of the trade" that you wouldn't need to have "up your sleeve" were you raising a "typical" child. If you are at your wits end - and need a few fresh ideas in dealing with behavioral issues, then take notes:

1. When it comes to getting your youngster to do chores, consider the "hiring a substitute" method. Your child may choose to hire someone to do his chore (e.g., by paying a wage of $1.00 he has saved from an allowance), or mutually agree to trade chores with a sibling.

2. Have your child rehearse new behaviors. In addition to telling your child the correct way to do something, have him/her rehearse it (e.g., dealing with bullies, not slamming the door when entering a room, walking through the house rather than running).



3. Ignore behavior that will not harm your son or daughter (e.g., bad habits, bad language, arguing with a sibling). It's hard to do nothing, but this lack of attention takes away the very audience your youngster is seeking.

4. Most children on the autism spectrum have trouble with transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected. Give plenty of warnings. Have the youngster repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to. Some kids need to negotiate for that "can I have one more minute?" A little extra patience on the parent’s part may help avoid a useless meltdown.

5. Parents can be decisive. Some parents have always been indecisive about what course of action to try with their child. They jump from one parenting technique to the other without giving any one technique enough time to be effective, or they try a new parenting technique once and then give up in frustration because it didn’t work. Some parents will say, “We’ve tried everything and nothing works with this kid.” What I usually see is parents floating from one parenting tool to another without sticking with one particular tool for a significant period of time.

6. Parents can practice humility. When you are wrong, quickly admit this to your child. This will model (a) making amends and (b) that it’s safe to make mistakes. “Admitting your mistakes” teaches your child to respect others.

7. Parents can use ‘reverse’ psychology. For example, “That’s not like you …you’re able to do much better.” This line works because your kid will live up – or down – to your expectations.

8. Parents can use humor to deal with family-stress. For example: Instead of reacting to your kid's temper tantrum, start singing, “The hills are alive with sound of music…”

9. Post a list of jobs that need to be done, such as washing the car, weeding the garden, etc. Let your child choose a "work detail" as a way to "make up" for rule violations.

10. Remember that Aspergers and HFA kids want structure. Most of them are actually starved for structure – it helps them feel safe.

11. Sometimes (depending on the child’s temperament), one of the worst things a parent of an autistic child can say is, "If you do that one more time, you'll be disciplined." You may find that your youngster will be irresistibly drawn to do just that, at once -- whether because you've set an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've said. Instead of specifying “one more time,” try saying, "I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to know what that number is. But when you hit that number, you will get a punishment." This gives your youngster a few extra chances if he seems to be trying without going back on a threat, and  it gives him a little comfort zone to know that he can slip-up once or twice. Some children will dislike the uncertainty of this approach, and for them, this might not be the best strategy. But if certainty is more pressure than your youngster can handle, this trick may be helpful in most cases.

12. Tell your youngster your predictions regarding the negative outcomes of his poor choices (use labels when needed). For example: “If you continue to steal, people will call you a ‘thief’, and when things come up missing, they will blame you.” -- or -- "If you continue to lie, people will call you a ‘liar’, and even if you tell them the truth, they won't believe you." When your predictions come true, your child will begin to trust your judgment.

13. The life of a youngster on the spectrum can often be overwhelming. The treatment for his over-reaction is to defuse the situation, not inflame it. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Remember, the parent may have to cool off as well. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure. Remember: “bad” behavior usually occurs because the child is spinning out of control, not because he is evil.

14. Think of your youngster as a train with an “anxiety speedometer.” When that speedometer reaches 70 mph, it’s going to take a long time to stop that train. The goal is to keep your child from coming anywhere close to 70 mph. Now, imagine you enter the room when the youngster is at an anxiety level of 50 mph. For your child, the stress of the current situation is getting to him. What can you do to slow that train down before it gathers momentum? Laugh, divert, distract, negotiate, or anything else you can think of – and the speedometer comes down to 30 mph (assuming you have cleverly disguised your intervention).

15. Tie what you 'want' to what he 'needs' (e.g., "When you come home from school on time, then you can have a friend over").

16. When behavior starts turning ugly, redirect to a positive direction rather than criticizing the “misbehavior” (e.g., if your youngster is fighting with a sibling, then suggest a new activity like having a snack, rather than handing out a consequence).

17. Do not shield your youngster from the results of her choices unless it puts her in danger. For example:
  • Child doesn’t go to bed on time >>> she gets up and goes to school anyway even though she’s tired and sleepy
  • Child doesn’t study for her math test >>> she fails
  • Child doesn’t maintain her bicycle >>> it falls apart and she walks thereafter

18. Consequences can be by parental design. For example:
  • Child leaves her toiletries in disarray throughout the bathroom each school morning >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent confiscates all items for a period of time (technique works with clothes and toys as well)

19. Parents can rearrange space. Try creative solutions. For example:
  •  If school notes and homework are misplaced, assign a special table or counter for materials
  • If chores are forgotten, post a chart with who does what when

20. Parents can use adjustment. Here are several ways to adjust:
  • Realize the same discipline may not work in all situations because of the unique features of the disorder.
  • Try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline.
  • Don’t believe it when your child seems unaffected by discipline. Kids on the spectrum often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When a child pretends a discipline doesn’t bother him, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child’s disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your child’s reactions.

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Lying or Wishful Thinking: Which One Is Your Youngster Doing?

So, you have just caught your child lying to you! Now comes a consequence, right? But wait a minute! Was he really lying, or was it a trait of his or her disorder?

Children with ASD level 1, or  High Functioning Autism (HFA), may puzzle their moms and dads by (a) the quantity and poor quality of their lying and (b) the fact that traditional disciplinary strategies don't seem to change the behavior. For these special needs kids, it may be helpful to think less in terms of “lying” and more in terms of "wishful thinking" (i.e., they often say what they would like to be true, rather than what is clearly and objectively true). This may happen for several reasons:

1. Some HFA children can't predict cause and effect. Your youngster throws a ball and breaks a window. His culpability in the act seems clear-cut to you. But a youngster who has trouble with cause-and-effect thinking may not be able to make the connection between throwing a ball and breaking a window. In his mind, if he didn't intend to do it, he didn't do it.

2. Some children on the autism spectrum don't distinguish between fantasy and reality. What is objective to you may be subjective to your youngster. If one truth is as good as another, your youngster may select the one that seems, in his mind, to best suit the occasion.



3. Some of these children don't know what's true. Kids who behave impulsively may not have a clear awareness of what they have done. Kids who have trouble with language processing may not have understood what was asked or expected. Kids with sensory differences may know only what they feel.

4. Some know that the truth may make you (the parent) angry, and they want to please you. If a youngster has done something wrong -- whether due to impulsivity, compulsive behavior, self-protective behavior, language processing problems, motor planning problems, or other causes related to disability -- he may try to make it right by telling you what he thinks will make you happy.

5. Some children are just trying to get in the conversation. Children with limited life experience or limited vocabulary may want to have something to say - but no true contribution to make. Coming up with a story, however fanciful or false, may seem like the only way to participate.

6. Many of these kids are stressed. If you know that your youngster can't think calmly and clearly when stress levels are high, don't be surprised if you see lots of crazy, stubborn lying in that situation.

7. Most HFA children are telling “their” truth. They often experience the world very, very differently than their mother or father, but that does not make their experience false. If your youngster stubbornly, desperately clings to a declaration that you feel is untrue -- water's too hot, work is too hard, an object can't be found -- ask yourself if it might be only untrue to you.

If your youngster has legitimate special needs that may lead him to tell “wishful thinking” instead of the truth, think carefully before giving consequences for lying. It's important for children to know that they should tell the truth, sure, but if the lying is not deliberate, stiff consequences will teach nothing. When your child engages in “lying behavior,” ask yourself if he is doing so with malice and intent. If not, try these techniques for putting more truth in “wishing”:
  1. Accept remorse as genuine.
  2. Be clear and even-tempered in your expectations.
  3. If the wishful thinking in question requires a response, give a brief, judgment-free time-out.
  4. Leave your youngster unsupervised as little as possible, so you always know the score.
  5. Make sure you have your youngster's attention when you ask a question.
  6. Make sure you tell more truth than fiction yourself.
  7. Respect your youngster's reality, and be open to compromise.
  8. Stay as unemotional as possible when getting to the truth of a situation.
  9. Take "I don't know" as an honest answer.
  10. Tell your youngster what you think happened instead of demanding an explanation.

How can I tell if my child is lying – or simply using wishful thinking?

If you pay careful attention to your youngster's behavior, it will help you tell if he or she is lying. Here’s how:

1. Look at the youngster's facial expression. Kids who are telling the truth have relaxed faces that usually show an emotion that matches what the youngster is saying. If a youngster is lying, however, his face may show anxiety caused by knowing that he is telling a lie.

2. Listen carefully to what the youngster is saying. Stories that are false may contain inconsistencies or elements that don't make sense. The story or parts of it may not sound believable. If you suspect a youngster is lying, ask the youngster to repeat what he just told you. Truthful stories told twice in a row will generally be the same, but stories that contain lies may change dramatically or contain accounts that cannot both be true.

3. Decide whether the youngster's story sounds rehearsed or spontaneous. Kids who are telling the truth will usually tell it "off the cuff"(i.e., the story will sound like a fresh recounting of an actual event). A lie, on the other hand, may sound stilted or rehearsed. Some kids may even repeat the exact same phrases when telling a rehearsed story the second time.

4. Watch your youngster's body language. A youngster who is lying is more likely to appear nervous, defensive or scared. Look for hunched shoulders, a stiff body or face, repeatedly touching the nose or mouth and avoiding eye contact. While some kids are anxious when speaking to grown-ups no matter what they say, kids who can speak comfortably to adults normally, but who are nervous when telling a particular story, may be lying.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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