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Disappointment With The Diagnosis

Question

We recently received a diagnosis of high functioning autism on our 7-year-old son. My husband is not doing so well with this recent news. Is there any way to lessen the blow to his disappointment?

Answer

To your husband:

Realize that you are not alone in this and that your feelings (which run the gamut from fear, to guilt, to anger, to depression, etc.) are just the symptoms of a broken heart. So go ahead and look at your grief. Observe your thoughts and feelings.

Accept them and be kind to yourself about having them. It doesn’t help to pretend to be positive when underneath you may be lonely, afraid, or sad. You can grieve. You can complain. You can mourn. This helps you to go on, make the best of the situation, and enjoy life.

It is natural to wonder about what might have been. The longing for the “normal” youngster of your dreams - or a typical life for you and your family - may endure. You have to learn to live with that yearning, and you can do that, but you don’t have to lie to yourself about how hard this can be. It takes time to heal a confused and broken heart, and the difficulties that you must cope with everyday are nearly constant reminders and may trigger your grief over and over.



Try to accept yourself as you are—a kind and loving father doing your best with your youngster who is undoubtedly doing his best under trying conditions. A perfectly lovely youngster with special needs can be very hard to be with because of his behavioral, social, or communication issues. But people often believe that when you love somebody, you love to be with them.

When you don’t feel that and think you should, the guilt can be unbearable, and your heart aches. As you can accept yourself in a kind and compassionate way, your heart heals, and then the grief lightens. The sun comes out, and change is more likely.

Accepting our pain - and ourselves - leads to accepting and enjoying our autistic kids – and our family. This is the gateway to love and happiness. That deep connection that a father feels with a newborn, or a youngster’s first steps, or first words can be felt at any moment when we are truly aware and attuned to our "special needs" youngster.

That deep connection is alive inside you. As you rekindle it, you can actually experience very deep happiness. That’s not to say that your life will be easy. But it can be happy and fulfilling.

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40 Tips for Parenting Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum

Parenting teenagers is hard enough...right? But throw "Asperger Syndrome" (high-functioning autism) into the equation, and now you really got a mountain to climb. Do not despair!
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The Myths and Facts About High-Functioning Autism and Aspergers

Moms and dads with an Aspergers or high functioning autistic (HFA) youngster tend to overwhelm themselves with research, treatments, and general anxiety over their kid’s welfare. While this is natural, it's not particularly good for you, your child, your marriage, or the rest of your family. And the truth is this: it isn't even necessary!

Let’s dispel some myths that some parents have about HFA and Aspergers…

Myth #1: I Somehow Missed "The Cure" for My Youngster's Disorder

Did you somehow miss out on a pill, a supplement, a special treatment or a new therapy that could be "the one" that could have cured your youngster's disorder? The truth is, while many kids respond well to various therapies, even kids who are supposedly "recovered" still have some of the traits. Since there is no cure, there's no need to worry about it.

Myth #2: I Will Have to Cope with This Alone

When your youngster is diagnosed, you feel like you've just been tossed out of the "parent club." After all, your youngster is different, which means you may never “fit in” again. Luckily, there's a whole world of support groups, list-serves, pal clubs, parent groups and events where you're more than welcome. In fact, your presence is requested!



Myth #3: I Shouldn’t Expect Much from My "Special Needs" Child

Your youngster has a developmental disorder, so you need to lower your expectations – right? Wrong! Children with this condition may not have a lot of social skills (yet), and they may have some significant challenges ahead. But they also have great talents (as you probably have discovered already).

Myth #4: I Won’t Be Able to Have a Normal Life

When your youngster has HFA or Aspergers, you may feel ostracized from the ordinary world. In fact, though it may be a bit tougher, you can join in most of what life has to offer, even WITH an HFA youngster. From vacations to family holidays to visits to grandma - most of it is a matter of planning, patience, and a sense of humor. And for some people, success is even sweeter when it requires overcoming a challenge.

Myth #5: I Need To Do a Whole Lot of Research on Autism

Is there another article on Applied Behavioral Analysis I should be reading? Is fish oil really going to help my youngster? How about the gluten-free diet? There's always another question - and the web holds a million answers. Take a break, have a bubble bath, and re-connect with your spouse and the rest of your family. Research is O.K. to do some of the time, but too many parents make “research” an obsession.

Myth #6: I Have to Find Out What Caused my Youngster’s Disorder

The media is full of stories of what causes it, and you'll find answers galore, from TV to pitocin, from vaccines to Lyme Disease. Could one of these answers be correct? Absolutely. Do we know for sure WHICH is correct? No. You can sift and weigh the evidence and formulate an opinion, but as of today no one really knows what really causes the disorder. As a result, you're free to focus on the future instead of the past.

Myth #7: It’s probably too late to help My Youngster

Whether your son or daughter is three, thirteen, or twenty-three, he/she will still benefit from therapy. In fact, while early intervention is always helpful, the proverbial "window of opportunity" for treatment is a bit of a myth. So whatever your youngster's stage of life, you're not too late to make a difference.

We’ve looked at the myths, now let’s look at the facts…

If you're sick of hearing about all the "deficits" challenging children with HFA and Aspergers, join the club. But for every downside, there is a positive – and unusual trait that rarely appears among "typical" children, but shines-out among kids on the autism spectrum. These positives are worth celebrating:

Fact #1: Children on the Spectrum Are Less Materialistic

Of course, this is not universally true -- but in general, these children are far less concerned with outward appearance than their typical peers. As a result, they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive, but unimportant, externals than most children do.

Fact #2: Children on the Spectrum are Passionate

Of course, not all HFA and Aspergers children are alike. But many are truly passionate about the things, ideas and special interests in their lives. How many "typical" children can say the same?

Fact #3: Children on he Spectrum Play Fewer Head Games

Most of these children don't play games -- and they assume that you won't either. It's a refreshing and wonderful change from the typical B.S. that tarnishes too many typical relationships!

Fact #4: They  Rarely Lie

We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies …all, that is, except children with this disorder. To them, truth is truth - and a good word from a child on the spectrum is usually the real deal.

Fact #5: They Live in the Moment

How often do typical children fail to notice what's in front of their eyes because they're distracted by social cues or random chitchat? Children with HFA and Aspergers truly attend to the sensory input that surrounds them. Many have achieved the ideal of mindfulness.

Fact #6: Children with HFA and Aspergers Are Not Tied to Social Expectations

If you've ever bought a car, played a game or joined a club to fit in, you know how hard it is to be true to yourself. But for children with an autism spectrum disorder, social expectations can be honestly irrelevant. What really matters to them is true liking, interest and passion -- not keeping up with the current trends and fads.

Fact #7: Children on the Spectrum Have Terrific Memories

How often do typical children forget directions, or fail to take note of colors, names, and other details? Children on the spectrum are often much more tuned in to details. They may have a much better memory than their typical peers for all kind of critical details.

Fact #8: They Rarely Judge Others

Who's in better shape? Richer? Smarter? For children with HFA and Aspergers, these distinctions hold much less importance than for typical kids. In fact, they often see through such surface appearances to discover the real person.


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Setting Your Aspergers Child Up For Success: 2-Minute Tip

You've heard it time and time again: Praise your child for good behavior. Why? Because "praising" your child when he/she behaves properly is "reinforcing" (i.e., it feels like a reward to the child, thus making it more likely that his/her good behavior will be repeated). However, many parents of Aspergers (high functioning autistic) children often say something like, "If I have to wait for good behavior in order to praise, we will be waiting until the end of time."

So, what can parents do if they (a) want to use the "praising" parenting technique, but (b) rarely - if ever- see any good behavior to praise?  Watch this video to find out:



==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns
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Aspergers Children Want Structure: 2-Minute Tip

Children with Asperger Syndrome do best when there is plenty of structure - both at home and school:



==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns
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Aspergers/HFA and Delayed Speech

Question

Does a child with level 1 autism typically have delayed speech?

Answer

Approximately 50% of kids with high-functioning autism (HFA) have delayed speech. While many of them grow out of this by age five, others go on to experience other language problems. These generally fall into one or more of the following three areas of linguistics:

Click here for the full article...

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Aspergers Teens and Poor Academic Performance: 2-Minute Tip

You, the parent, have complained ...threatened ...taken away privileges ...grounded ...and even begged, but your Aspergers teenager still fails to perform according to your (and his teacher's) expectations. If your Aspie continues to bring home nothing but D's and F's, then you may want to follow these tips in order to stop the cycle of "bad grades":



==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
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