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Tailored Disciplinary Techniques for Kids on the Spectrum: Special Considerations

Disciplining High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) kids and teens can present some unique challenges unfamiliar to moms and dads of neurotypical kids. “Misbehavior” is often not misbehavior at all – rather it is a symptom of the youngster’s diagnosis.

So how does a parent know when - and how - to discipline the child with special needs? Here are some tips to help:

1. Employ “attachment parenting” skills. An HFA youngster can bring out the best and the worst in a family. By practicing attachment parenting and getting connected, the whole family can develop a “sixth sense” about the child, a quality of caring that no book or counselor will be able to give you. With all children, attachment parenting is highly desirable, but with an youngster on the autism spectrum, it's necessary and a matter of survival.

2. Avoid the use of negative labels, medical terms, or psychological jargon when talking to your youngster about his behavior. Target the behavior – not the youngster.



3. Be consistent. If you threaten without following through, your child will learn to disrespect and ignore you. You must follow through with consequences swiftly, and EVERY TIME the rule is broken. This way, your youngster can predict his consequences and make better behavior choices. When the consequences are inconsistent, changing, and infrequent, chaos will rule!

4. Beware of “over-attachment syndrome.” It is very easy for your whole life to revolve around your special style of parenting, to the extent that it becomes an end in itself. This is a “lose-lose” situation. You lose the joy of parenting, and you lose your ability to be flexible. Eventually, you will either burn out – or you will break.

5. Change your standards. Before a child is even born, moms and dads imagine what the youngster's life will be like (e.g., piano lessons, baseball stardom, graduating from college, etc.). Even with a typical youngster, you have to reconcile these dreams with reality as your youngster grows up. With an HFA youngster, this is a bigger task. You learn to live in the present. The milestones of the youngster's life are less defined and the future less predictable—though your youngster may surprise you! In the meantime, set your standards for your child at an appropriate level.

6. Create simple house rules and discuss them together. Have a family meeting where "family rules" are created. Simplify them according to the cognitive ability of your child (e.g., a rule like "no yelling or screaming when you're inside the house" could be simplified to "indoor voice"). Don't overwhelm your youngster with too many rules at first. Find ten that would cover the most problem behaviors. Later you can build from there.

7. Different doesn't mean fragile. While it is true you have to change your expectations of an HFA youngster, you don't have to lower your standards of discipline! It's tempting to get lax and let "special needs" kids get by with behaviors you wouldn't tolerate in other kids. He needs to know, early on, what behavior you expect. Many moms and dads wait too long to start behavior training. It's much harder to redirect an eighty pound youngster than a thirty pounder. Like all kids, this youngster must be taught to adjust to family routines, to obey, and to manage himself.

8. Different doesn't mean inferior. In a kid's logic, being different equates with being inferior. This feeling may be more of a problem for siblings and other children than for the developmentally-delayed youngster, at least in the early years. Most kids measure their self-worth by how they believe others perceive them. Be sure the youngster's siblings don't fall into this "different equals less" trap. This is why the term "special needs" is not only socially correct, but it's a positive term, not a value judgment. In reality, all kids could wear this label.

9. Don't compare. Your youngster is special. Comparing your youngster to others of the same age is not fair. Quit focusing on what your child is missing, and instead, started enjoying him for himself. Get rid of your tendency to focus on his “problem” – he is not a project, rather he is a person.

10. Give negative reinforcement for bad behaviors. Some say it's outdated, but the good old "timeout" works wonders for younger kids. Designate a chair or place in your house where the youngster must sit and think about his behavior. He should not have access to toys or television. Keep him isolated and apart from the action of the house, but close enough for you to observe him. Don’t talk to him except to say he must sit in “think time” for 5 minutes (or longer for older kids). If he leaves the seat, put him back and increase his time. "Now it's ten minutes." Use a timer that shows minutes counting down as he sits in the chair. If he yells or misbehaves in time out, start the timer over again. He must sit quietly in the chair for the allotted time. Be firm.

11. Give positive reinforcement for good behaviors. This is a step in discipline that is often overlooked, and yet can be the most effective. When your youngster hangs up his coat instead of throwing it on the floor, he should be praised. "That makes me happy when you hang up your coat! Good Job!" Special-needs kids often do well with charts, so consider giving a star when your youngster behaves well. Five stars could earn extra time playing his favorite video game.

12. Give your youngster choices. Initially, you may have to guide him into making a choice, but just the ability to make a choice helps the youngster feel important. Present the choices in your youngster's language, which may mean using pictures, pointing, and reinforcing your verbal instructions (which may not be fully understood) with visual ones. The more you use this exercise, the more you will learn about your youngster's abilities, preferences, and receptive language skills at each stage of development.

13. Reset your anger buttons. Your youngster will frequently do some things that exasperate you. If you get angry each time there is a “challenge,” you may find yourself in a perpetual state of madness.

14. Help your youngster build a sense of responsibility. There is a natural tendency to want to rush in and do things for a developmentally-delayed youngster. For these kids, the principle of "teach them how to fish rather than give them a fish" applies doubly. The sense of accomplishment that accompanies being given responsibility gives the youngster a sense of value and raises his self-worth.

15. Know your youngster's motivators. What does he love most? Candy? Favorite books? Video games? Movies? What are his interests? These are the privileges your youngster will earn with appropriate behaviors, and will lose with inappropriate behaviors.

16. Provide structure. Kids on the spectrum need developmentally- appropriate structure, but it requires sensitivity on your part to figure out what is needed when. Watch your child, not the calendar. Try to get inside his head.

17. Teach “frustration tolerance.” Help your youngster be frustrated and find ways to deal with it. You’re not going to be able to create a world in which your child is never angry, disappointed or frustrated. View these uncomfortable emotions as muscles, and if your child doesn't learn to flex them in socially appropriate ways, they don't develop. Children and teens on the spectrum really do need to learn how to be angry effectively - and how to be frustrated or disappointed effectively.

18. View behaviors as “signals of needs.” Everything kids do tells you something about what they need. This principle is particularly true with autistic kids.

19. Watch out for parental guilt. Moms and dads with autistic children often feel guilty. Many feel their youngster is getting a raw deal in the world, and they want to make it better. That's a very universal impulse.

20. Understand the difference between “accommodations” and “allowances.” Accommodations are things we do to help kids be capable …things we can put in place so that the playing field for the youngster is roughly equivalent to the playing field for a youngster without special needs. Allowances, on the other hand, are things like, "We need to let him take toys because he doesn't know how to ask for a turn yet." Allowances aren't helpful. Children with special needs have a right to struggle. That can be counter-intuitive since they're already struggling, but when we make things too easy for them, we are not helping them develop the belief about themselves that they are capable and they can learn to solve problems.

Disciplining a youngster who is "differently-abled" is likely to bring out the best and the worst in a mother or father. Caring grown-ups try to help a youngster make up for what's missing by increasing their love and attention, yet kids on the spectrum trigger special frustrations in us. Be prepared to run out of patience.

Most kids go through predictable stages of development. You know about when to expect what behavior and how long it will last. You know that two-year-old temper tantrums will diminish once the youngster learns to speak. Knowing you don't have to weather this undesirable behavior indefinitely helps you cope. With the developmentally-disabled youngster, stages seem to go on forever, as do the frustrations in both parent and child.

Parenting an autistic  youngster is a tough job. The ups and downs and joys and sorrows are magnified. You rejoice at each accomplishment, you worry about each new challenge. Welcome to the world of autism spectrum disorders :)


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.

 

Comments:

Anonymous said...This is a tough one!! Usually, I just sit my teen daughter down and ask why she did those things and then go on to explain why those weren't the right things to do. I find this helps vs jumping on her about being "wrong".

Anonymous said...My 13 yr old is so verbally abusive to us all, i would say bullying to his younger siblings. He has no control over his anger and then refuses to follow the instructions to go to his room for his chill out time he follows is around the house taunting and shouting, slamming doors and kicking walls.

Anonymous said...My son is 4; we've tried Magic 1, 2, 3, pared down versions of a token economy...but discipline is hard no matter what. Right now, I'm trying to focus on teaching him to "Wait, watch, and listen" before reacting. I think what I see is a need for him to build skills -- like that suggestion about tolerating frustration. I see it as more than that though -- from small skills like teaching him to take a breath when he gets frustrated to larger ones...

Anonymous said...This hit the nail on the head for us today. Thanks for posting :0)

Anonymous said...yes this definnitly applies to us. when my son acts out other people just don't get it, that its harder to disapline a child with aspergers.

By

Marital Stress and Parenting Kids on the Autism Spectrum: 20 Tips for Spouses

Becoming a parent of an Aspergers or high functioning autistic (HFA) youngster changes your identity forever. There is a balancing act between (a) caring for the needs of your “special needs” youngster and (b) putting time and effort into the maintenance and growth of yourself and your marriage.

The kind of stress that raising a "special needs" youngster often entails can affect relationships at their weakest points. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 47% of first marriages fail and 57% of all marriages end in divorce. Although the findings are inconsistent, there is general consensus among professionals that, while the divorce rates are comparable, there appears to be more reported marital distress among families of kids with special needs.

Some areas that will be impacted in your marriage are:
  • Finances
  • Future planning
  • Parenting style
  • Recreation
  • Self-esteem
  • Sexuality
  • Social life
  • Spirituality

Moms and dads of kids on the autism spectrum often face a life very different from what they had originally imagined. The needs of these young people are often complex and illusive. Searching to find the cause of the youngster’s developmental problems - and the best treatment for it - can be a long hard journey. When the diagnosis is made, powerful emotions may surface - and may put the marriage on trial.

How can couples understand each other in the wake of such a challenge?

Challenging life events can serve as catalysts for change. Some families disintegrate while others thrive despite their hardships. Parents can emerge from crisis revitalized and enriched. Hope for relationships really can spring from the crises parents experience when their youngster has an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

If you and your spouse are parenting an Aspergers or HFA youngster, here are some suggestions to help your relationship:

1. A major key to coping with stress and change is to try to accept it and to regularly express your feelings and thoughts to one another. Of course a diagnosis does not destroy your marriage – but it will shift the balance in your marital relationship. You and your partner will be adjusting in different ways, and often at a difference pace. Sometimes your partner will want to talk about the situation, and then other times may need time alone.

2. Allow friends and family to provide extra support, or seek professional help if your marriage is in jeopardy.



3. Although your marriage is forever changed, the change doesn't have to be negative. Many partners share their sense of joy, awe and thankfulness as they speak about their special youngster. Because they were able to communicate and openly share with one another, their marriage is also enriched.

4. Be patient with one another.

5. Celebrate each milestone.

6. When an individual is in pain, he/she may withdraw or become frustrated and angry. It’s hard to talk about something we have no power to change or fix. At times the reactions of partners can become polarized or opposite (e.g., one partner may notice problems in the Aspergers or HFA youngster and tend to worry and feel negative, while the other partner holds hope and optimism that - in time - everything will be fine). Try to consider all of your feelings toward your youngster - both positive and negative - and discuss issues in ways that will help both of you feel understood and find solutions to problems.

7. Develop a strong family support network.

8. Look at what professionals believe make a strong family. The list includes communication, listening, affirming, respecting, trusting, having fun and a sense of humor, and knowing when to seek help. These strengths need to be worked on in a couple's marriage relationship, too.

9. When possible share the responsibilities at home by working together on chores, childcare, and education. It is helpful when partners both work to learn about their youngster’s disorder, prepare for and attend IEP meetings, etc. Get involved in the special needs community if you can. There’s so much to manage everyday that reaching out to your spouse, relatives or friends can help lessen the burden.

10. Reaffirm your marriage commitment to one another.

11. Realize that children on the spectrum will disrupt the course of your marriage now and then. It simply comes with the territory, but can be easily worked out.

12. Remember to take care of your relationship. Make time for the two of you to be alone every day – even if it is a walk around the block. Some time away together is important also.

13. Sometimes a mental health professional can be helpful to you in understanding the needs of Aspergers and HFA kids, yourself, and your marriage. Some parents are reluctant to take this step, but if it becomes hard to function from day to day, this kind of help may be in order. Just as you would consult more than one specialist for your youngster if necessary, do likewise for yourself. If your spouse is too discouraged, then start by yourself. Sometimes a change in one spouse changes the chemistry of the situation for the better.

14. Sort out what is important and what isn't important to the two of you. Really look at your values and your hopes and dreams for your life together. Discuss what you can – and cannot - accomplish.

15. Your youngster has a condition that may require lots of care and supervision in the early years. In the struggle to advocate for your kid’s needs, your own needs as a parent and as spouse may get lost. Many spouses stop focusing on their marriage, but this never helps. As hard as it may sound at first, start to think about taking care of yourself and adding some fun and enjoyment into your life, even though it can take a long time for this to feel okay.

16. Take time to pursue the things that renew you as individuals.

17. Talk openly about problems and issues when they occur.

18. Together, learn all you can about your youngster's disorder.

19. Family life can be a test of love and resilience, so taking good notes and working to understand each other's wants and needs are vital to the success and survival of an intimate relationship. Life has veered-off a bit from what you had expected it to be. Try not to blame each other for the situation. It takes time to sort this stuff out. Be kind to yourself and each other when the going gets rough.

20. Prayer and meditation are useful tools for many parents of special needs children.


Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


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How can I get my spouse more involved with our autistic daughter?

Question

How can I get my spouse more involved with our daughter (high functioning)? He is generally supportive, but doesn’t seem willing to learn anything about autism or get involved with our daughter’s treatment. I’m starting to wonder whether he’s ever going to get to know our daughter at all!

Answer

Unfortunately, you speak for many mothers in your situation. There is a sense of loneliness that many moms experience after the diagnosis. It seems to come from the general trend that males have a hard time facing things they can’t fix. They feel powerless and inept when they can’t simply work harder to fix their youngster’s “disability.” Your spouse probably feels more powerless than you do.

The dynamic of a family with a high-functioning autistic (HFA) youngster tends to follow a pattern where the dad focuses on the long-term problems (e.g., financial burdens), while the mom responds more emotionally as she faces the burdens of the daily care of the youngster. By being less involved in the daily interaction with their kids, dads tend to have a somewhat longer period of denial about the disorder and its implications. When males do express their feelings, they tend to show anger or frustration.



To make matters worse, many fathers of HFA children have undiagnosed autism themselves. And some wives report that such husbands tend to be hard driven, inexpressive, pragmatic individuals, devoid of strong emotions or the capacity to nurture, always more at home with work than with their families.

Recently, a mom of an autistic child (who I have been counseling) told her spouse that if he really loved her the way he said, then he would come to a few counseling sessions with her. She needed that from him and insisted. He came and was glad he did. He probably thought about autism as much as she did, but kept it all inside. He was very expressive about what a great job she was doing, but simultaneously very discouraged about his child’s progress.

One dad told me he never read anything about HFA or went to any appointments until his wife had to go out of town for a weekend for a funeral. Left home with their "special needs" youngster, he came to a realization of what his wife’s daily life was really like, and he began to take a different attitude. He began to learn about HFA and get involved in his child’s treatment.

Everyone deals with parenting a child with special needs differently, and this difference may be even more pronounced in a family with an HFA youngster. It is very typical for one parent to become immersed in the world of autism after the diagnosis, while the other parent takes a back seat. Your spouse’s supportiveness is a positive step, and not getting as involved at this stage does not necessarily mean an unwillingness to do so. He must come to terms with - and get to know - your daughter in his own way, and at his own pace.

Encouragement and support for your spouse to get more involved in your daughter’s life need not include any accusations at all. Keep your spouse informed about your daughter and what you learn about her and her disorder. Leave the information around for your spouse to pick up and take a look at in his own time. Continue to encourage positive family interaction as much as possible.

You may feel somewhat resentful at times that you are the one doing all of the work here. You may be more able than your spouse to deal with your daughter’s diagnosis and all of the planning and involvement that goes along with it. If your spouse has a particularly hard time accepting your daughter’s diagnosis, then some counseling may be helpful. But, first try to gently nudge him along and to talk to him about your feelings and his with regard to your daughter. Perhaps things can begin to move forward from there. You can certainly let your spouse know how his seeming lack of involvement or interest makes you feel (but no accusations).

Fathers tend to be slower in this aspect of parenting a "special needs" youngster, so don’t get discouraged. Let your spouse know that you appreciate him, and let him know what you need.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

Anonymous said...
I don't think it's not having an interest my partner is the same I think it's more to do with them finding it hard to understand!

Anonymous said...
My husband had the same problem and I thought the same things most people do BUT after i finally got him to be totally honest he did understand but was scared that because of her Aspergers she would not reciprocate his emotions. And as you well know men don't admit their fears easily. After he started participating in her treatment they grew very close. In fact she tells him her "secrets" now lol she is 11

Anonymous said...
That's my husband he knows nothing about it and all I ever say is start reading about it and he does not understand our daughter and her issues so I deal with it all alone . His answer is always just punish her ... Like that would work ... He also says he's never had to deal with a child with "mental " issues .... I think sometimes that makes him feel like less than a man or something because our daughter is like that

Unknown said...
I read this post on a day where our differences in dealing with our son came up once again. Mostly, we don't talk about it, and I feel resentment because while I try to have positive interactions with our son way more often than negative ones, my husband seems to always be correcting or judging or wishing he was different. We interviewed a therapist today and I brought up that I would like family therapy. I keep mentioning to my husband how much it affects our relationship when he doesn't connect in positive ways with our son. It doesn't ever seem to change anything long-term. He sits at home with his computer or his papers and spends so much more time working even when he is at home than he does giving attention to our son (unless it is to scold him).
By

Bullying: How Parents Can Take Legal Action To Get It Stopped

Question

I have an 8-year-old Asperger son. How do you handle when he is bullied and the school administration seems to give you the brush off. My son act-outs when he is under stress or in an unstructured situation. In all of those instances, he gets the detentions. When I call in about his being bullied, nothing is done, or the bully gets spoken to in their classroom, as a sort of blanket discussion. How do I handle this?

Answer

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack (e.g., teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, stealing, etc.), or something more subtle (e.g., malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, intentional exclusion, etc.). Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Unfortunately, many parents have attempted to reconcile such victimization by going to school officials and requesting that something be done – only to be told that either (a) the bullying is not, in fact, occurring at all, or (b) the school is - or will - address the issue.

As one Aspergers student stated:

“I AM such a child with Asperger's Syndrome. Bullying hurts so badly. In my first secondary school, I was being discriminated by the teachers, especially the Head of Year. Whenever I was being bullied, they turned a blind eye, whereas when I fought back, I was suspended and the bullies weren't even punished. I do not want to see the hallway where I took those internal suspensions. I later quit that school. Just because we are "disabled", as the government puts it, does NOT mean we are brain-dead and do not have feelings. We actually feel feelings more deeply than most people, only we cannot describe them properly. More than 3 times, I have contemplated suicide because I have been bullied and cannot express my feelings. If someone bullies someone else into suicide, is that not murder? How many more times must we, the "disabled" community, be tortured to the end of our tether before people FINALLY understand that we are still people?”

Often times, after months or years of getting no results from school officials, many parents of Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) students have to either (a) move their child to a different school, or (b) quit work and stay at home in order to home-school their child.

So, what can parents do who are at their wits-end in trying to get bullying stopped – once and for all?!  Here’s how to take the bully by the horns and get school officials to take you seriously:

1. Document all aspects of the bullying incidents involving your Aspergers youngster. Keep meticulous notes and records, just as if you are the attorney representing your youngster. Ask your Aspie to do the same. If you want to make it a fun exercise, grab a long-handled spoon and pronounce on your Aspie, "I now dub you a special junior attorney." Advocate for – and empower – your Aspergers child. Who knows, he may even become an attorney some day, or find a profession that utilizes such skills.

2. Conduct an interview with your Aspergers youngster, and then write down a summary of the bullying incidents in bullet point fashion.

3. If there were witnesses to any of the bullying incidents, get their statements – and signatures on those statements (do this in front of a grown-up if the witnesses are minors). Do not forget to add dates, names, times, and all the “who, what, when, where and why” information you can find.

4. Write down any comments made by teachers or other school officials. These written notes may not seem like much at the time, but later, they may be a deciding point for justice in your Aspie’s favor. In addition, these records may aid in procedural changes that could dramatically reduce bullying in your school.

5. The parent must prove that the school district actually knew about the bullying offenses, but refused to take action to correct it. So, be sure to notify your child’s school district. The first element that must be satisfied to win a peer-harassment complaint is to give the school district "actual notice" of the incidents. Address the notification to a specific person and date the letter. The letter should be sent via certified mail, UPS or Fed Ex to the District Superintendent with courtesy copies (CC) to your child’s teacher(s) and principal.

6. In the notification, request an Acknowledgement Letter to Confirm Receipt of Notification. An acknowledgement letter is written to confirm receipt of documents in the office this notification is used in official purposes. The authority in the office where you have submitted your notification writes this letter to let you know that the notification has reached the right place. The letter should convey that your notification has been received and how much time will be required to complete the formalities involved.

7. Be sure to write the letter to a person who has the authority to investigate - and the authority to correct - the wrong.


8. State the past - or continuing - discriminatory activity against your youngster. If you have not been documenting the history of the bullying incidents, now is a good time to start.

9. State that the school district has control over both the physical site of the discrimination and over any school personnel involved. You may want to give examples of changes the district has recently made to the school facilities, curriculum or schedule – all of which demonstrate control.

10. Explain that the discrimination was not a single act – but was severe and pervasive.

11. Tell how the discrimination excluded your Aspergers youngster from participation in certain school activities, or denied his/her benefits to which other students enjoyed. One of the elements you must prove to prevail on a peer-harassment claim is that the harassment was "so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it can be said to deprive the victims of access to the educational opportunities or benefits provided by the school."

12. Explain what you would like the school to do. Suggest what the school may do to stop the discrimination or to fix the harm the discrimination has done to your youngster.

13. Ask for a copy of a school district grievance procedure under Section 504 (even if your youngster has an IEP under IDEA). Not having this information may result in continued discrimination.

14. State that you expect investigation and/or effective corrective action. Should the individual receiving the letter fail to investigate, or does not take effective corrective action, you may claim that the district showed deliberate indifference to the discrimination.

15. Add a date that you expect to hear back from the district in regards to your notification.

16. Lastly, you may wish to include the following "Note to School Officials" along with your notification letter (copy and paste into a Word document, then print-out and add as an attachment):

Note to School Officials—

The school district is a recipient of federal financial assistance. Public schools depend on the continued flow of federal funds. This depends, in part, on their compliance with Federal Laws.

Harassing conduct may take many forms, including verbal acts and name‐calling, graphic and written statements (which may include use of cell phones or the Internet), or other conduct that may be physically threatening, harmful, or humiliating. Harassment does not have to include (a) intent to harm, (b) be directed at a specific target, or (c) involve repeated incidents. Harassment creates a hostile environment when the conduct is sufficiently severe, pervasive, or persistent so as to interfere with or limit a student’s ability to participate in or benefit from the services, activities, or opportunities offered by a school. When such harassment is based on race, color, national origin, sex, or disability, it violates the civil rights laws that OCR enforces.

A school is responsible for addressing harassment incidents about which it knows or reasonably should have known. In some situations, harassment may be in plain sight, widespread, or well‐known to students and staff, such as harassment occurring in hallways, during academic or physical education classes, during extra-curricular activities, at recess, on a school bus, or through graffiti in public areas. In these cases, the obvious signs of the harassment are sufficient to put the school on notice.

In other situations, the school may become aware of misconduct, triggering an investigation that could lead to the discovery of additional incidents that, taken together, may constitute a hostile environment. In all cases, schools should have well‐publicized policies prohibiting harassment and procedures for reporting and resolving 10complaints that will alert the school to incidents of harassment.

When responding to harassment, a school must take immediate and appropriate action to investigate or otherwise determine what occurred. The specific steps in a school’s investigation will vary depending upon:
  • the age of the student(s) involved
  • the nature of the allegation
  • the size and administrative structure of the school
  • the source of the complaint
  • and other factors

In all cases, however, the inquiry should be prompt, thorough, and impartial.

If an investigation reveals that discriminatory harassment has occurred, a school must take prompt and effective steps reasonably calculated to end the harassment, eliminate any hostile environment and its effects, and prevent the harassment from recurring. These duties are a school’s responsibility even if the misconduct also is covered by an anti‐bullying policy, and regardless of whether a student has complained, asked the school to take action, or identified the harassment as a form of discrimination.



COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... We are having trouble in this area too!my son is only just being diagnosed aspergers at 12!he finds it impossible to walk away which also causes trouble!!he is suffering badly with anxiety and is feeling very sad and alone as he says he is uncool to be seen with even by kids who quiet like him.so sad.
•    Anonymous said... I only just realised this was happening to my aspie son (aged 12). He's in year 7 at a new school with no friends. He was being stirred by 3 boys from his class. I spoke to his school & they were fantastic in speaking to the other boys & i'm hoping thats the end of it. My only mistake was approaching one of the mothers i knew of those boys, these children are ignorant because their parents are ignorant. She told me "she felt sorry for her child because he was forced to sit next to & be friend my son". Unfortunately we have no control as to the lack of understanding & compassion with these people, what we can do is help, support & do our best to teach our kids the social cues they just dont get. My advise work with the schools, the only person our kids have got to fight their battles is us & they deserve it. They deserve to be happy.
•    Anonymous said... I had trouble with this because my Aspergers child didn't like anyone around him, had behavior problems, and we dealt with a lot of anger with him because he was so easily frustrated. We found out when he was 5 and now is 13. He still has a hard time making friends but has been called the bully and Has been bullied and had to go on an anti depressant because of how sad he was feeling. It can be difficult. Just Advocate for your child and don't let them push you around.

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Aspergers Children and Intensity-Seeking: 2-Minute Tip

This Week's 2-Minute Tip: Aspergers Children and Intensity-Seeking



==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers Children
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Strategies for Parents and Teachers: Summary of Mark Hutten's Lecture

The autism spectrum extends from “classic autism” (which lies at the lower end of the spectrum) through to Aspergers (which is characterized as being at the mildest and highest functioning end of the spectrum).

Aspergers reflects deviations or abnormalities in four aspects of development:

1. Certain behavioral and stylistic characteristics such as repetitive or persevering features
2. Limited, but intense, range of interests
3. Social relatedness and social skills
4. The use of language for purposes of communication

These dysfunctional features can range from mild to severe.

Aspergers is characterized by:

• a better prognosis than other Autism spectrum disorders
• difficulties with pragmatic, or social language
• extending into the very superior range of cognitive ability
• high cognitive abilities - or, at least, “normal” IQ level
• normal language function when compared to other autistic disorders

Diagnostic Criteria from DSM—

Aspergers:

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
  1. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
  2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
  3. lack of social or emotional reciprocity
  4. marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
  1. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
  2. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereo-typed and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
  3. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
  4. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrase used by age 3 years).

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

CLINICAL FEATURES—

One of the primary features of Aspergers is the child’s passion for favorite topics or special interests. Some of these areas include:

• astronomy
• dinosaurs
• extraterrestrials
• geography
• history
• machines or machinery
• maps
• math
• meteorology
• music
• reading
• science
• social studies
• space travel
• trains
• weather

Socialization deficits:

• Are inflexible and incapable of coping with change
• By school age express desire to fit in socially
• Described as being "in OUR world, but, ON THEIR OWN terms"
• Different from "typical" Autism
• Difficulties making social connections
• Easily stressed and emotionally vulnerable
• Frequently described as “odd” or selfish
• Highly frustrated by their social awkwardness/alienation
• Lack effective interaction skills — not desire
• Lack understanding of human relations and rules of social convention
• Naïve and lack common sense
• Preoccupied with own agenda
• Seldom interested in other's interests/concerns
• Unable to “read” others' needs and perspectives
• Unable to appropriately respond to social cues

Use of Language:

• Concrete language rather than abstract
• Difficulty understanding humor
• Early years: repetitive phrases or language or stock phrases from memorized material
• Excessively formal or pedantic language
• Hyper-verbal (highly developed vocabularies)
• Laugh at “wrong time” with jokes or interactions
• Many have good sense of humor
• Misused or not used cultural slang or social idioms
• Problems with taking turns in conversations
• Prosody (speech volume, intonation, inflection, rate) is frequently deficient or unusual
• Rote skills are strong
• Typically revert to favorite topic area
• Usually like word games and puns
• Weak pragmatic-conversational-skills
• Some have normal or early language development while others have speech delays, then rapidly catch up, making diagnosis between Aspergers, autism, and speech disorders difficult

TEACHING STRESS REDUCTION SKILLS—

Aspergers kids are:

• are often anxious and worrisome
• easily overwhelmed
• highly sensitive
• often engage in rituals

Practical Suggestions:

• consistent routines
• let them know what to expect
• minimize fears of unknown
• minimize transitions
• prepare them for altered plans, schedules or changes
• provide predictable, safe environments

Examples:

• Introduce to teacher, therapist or para-professional before work begins
• Take tour of building child will be working or learning in
• Learn about child's favorite topics or special interests

Aspergers kids typically display impaired social interaction…


Practical Suggestions:

• Create cooperative learning situations
• Educate peers
• Praise classmates when supportive
• Promote empathy and tolerance
• Shield them from bullying and teasing

Examples:

• Encourage participation in conversations
• Insensitive or inappropriate comments from Aspergers child are usually innocent
• Model two-way interactions
• Rehearse proper response repertoires
• Teach and support proper reaction to social cues
• Teach WHAT to say, WHEN, and HOW to say it
• Teach/model correct emotional responding
• Teaching WHY & WHAT response is appropriate is necessary
• Use Aspergers youngster’s strengths in exchange for liabilities to foster acceptance

COMMUNICATION AND GESTURES—

Six steps for understanding challenging communications…

1. Try to figure out what your youngster is communicating with the challenging behavior:

• “I can't remember what I'm supposed to do”
• “I'm mad…scared…confused”
• “This is too difficult for me”

2. Consider how you can adapt the situation:

• Child overwhelmed or over-stimulated? Try reducing amount of time in situation, or avoiding it in future.
• Child expressing confusion? Consider how to make the situation easier to understand; make it more concrete, routine, or predictable.

3. If the message must be communicated, come up with alternate way in which your youngster can communicate his or her needs or wishes more appropriately:

• Help your youngster develop appropriate ways of conveying requests/needs. If screaming when confused by a task, teach youngster to raise hand, ring a bell, or say: “I need help with this…this is too hard.”

4. Practice the “new way” of communicating:

• during the situation, remind (prompt) youngster to use new phrase or behavior
• have youngster practice the “new phrase” or behavior
• model more appropriate phrase or nonverbal signals

5. Reward your child for using the strategy by showing that it gets his or her needs met:

• if asks to leave situation, provide her with immediate break
• if needs attention, stop what you're doing and provide some time/interest
• if your youngster requests help assist her immediately

6. Be sure that the challenging behavior is no longer effective in getting your youngster’s needs met:

• ignore problem behaviors
• provide prompt for the “new, appropriate one
• if youngster screams to avoid situation, prompt him to use an appropriate phrase; don’t allow him to leave the situation while he is screaming

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
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How To Have A Stress-Free Christmas

Christmas is often filled with stress. There is a lot of pressure to make Christmas perfect and fun, and to enjoy yourself while you're doing it. This is a tall order in any situation, but when you add to that the stress of having a child with special needs for whom you also want the holidays to be perfect and fun – it can often become more overwhelming than ever. 

Here are 10 tips to help you have a stress-free Christmas with your Aspergers or high-functioning autistic child:

1. Kids on the autism spectrum will always do better when they are not over-stimulated by the many sights, sounds, smells, and unpredictable events of the outside world. You can create an experience in your home that you normally would go out for. For example, instead of going to an evening parade with a festival of lights, you can put Christmas lights all around your house, turn off all the lights, and play Christmas music at a gentle volume. You may be concerned about depriving your youngster of a fun holiday experience, but keep in mind that when your youngster can’t digest the experience, he’s not having the fun experience you want. That’s why, if you can create a digestible version of the experience at home, your youngster can take in and enjoy the experience. By doing this, you are actually giving him more, not less.

2. Focus on a few things you know are important to make sure you have prepared around this time. Of course, some things may need modification so that it is possible to enjoy them with your youngster. For example, if there is a danger of them hurting themselves on fragile decorations, you may have to put them higher up and out of reach, or get new ones that are not so fragile. Some special foods may not be served. These modifications often bring some disappointment, but if the goal is a nice family holiday, it's important and we can adjust.

3. Holiday decorations inside the house – including bright and blinking lights, wreaths, trees, candles and stacks of presents – could be areas of concern. Parents know best what their Aspergers youngster enjoys and at what point things may become overwhelming. However, parents should not expect higher tolerance simply because it is the holiday season.

4. Holiday shopping with an Aspergers youngster may present its own set of challenges, especially when the stores are crowded and noisy. Make a list that identifies the items you’re shopping for, and do not roam the stores trying to decide what to buy. Keeping the trip short and being organized will help minimize the potential for your youngster to become overwhelmed and have a “meltdown” in the middle of a store.

5. If you are visiting family with your child, send them an email ahead of time to explain what they can do to make the visit comfortable for you and your Aspie. Explain why a group of talkative family members asking your child a bunch of questions might be problematic, or tell everyone the answer your youngster likes to hear when he asks over and over, “How fast does your car go?” Also, designate in advance a calm room or space where he can go to decompress once he begins to be overwhelmed by all of the commotion and sensory input that comprise most celebrations. Every so often, take the youngster to this room and spend some time alone with him.


6. Make the demands on yourself realistic and don't try to do so much that you feel only frustration. Make realistic lists and work on things one at a time. Looking at a whole month of this holiday season is less overwhelming if you take it in small pieces. You may also have to lower your expectations of what you can really do, but at least what you do will be less stressful and make the holidays special.

7. Most parents dread their Aspergers children behaving in a challenging way. We worry about it, we look for it, and we try to stop it as soon as it happens. Ironically, this puts all the focus on what you DON’T want from your youngster. If you don’t want him to hit, for example, focusing on getting him ‘not to hit’ actually creates more hitting. Instead celebrate your child every time he does something well. If your kid sometimes hits, cheer wildly every time he is gentle.

8. Since the holidays are a time for the whole family to enjoy together, it’s important to make siblings aware of how stressful this season can be for their brother or sister with Aspergers. Take the time to remind your other kids of their sibling’s sensory issues, communication difficulties, low frustration tolerance and likes and dislikes. Moms and dads can then share the family’s strategy for avoiding potential issues and discuss what they will do if their best efforts are unsuccessful.

9. So often, we get caught up in the trappings of the holidays – the tree, the presents, the outings that have to go exactly as planned. It’s okay to arrange fun things, but remember that these are only trimmings. They aren’t the gift, they’re just the wrapping. The gift is your special youngster. The gift is sharing hope and sweetness with loved ones. Instead of using the Christmas season as a “planning fest,” use it to see the beauty in your Aspergers kid’s uniqueness. Use it to celebrate what he can do, and use it to feel and encourage compassion for his very different way of experiencing the world.

10. We often put pressure on ourselves to make the holidays perfect, which is unrealistic. In the end, the most important thing to remember is that the holidays are a time to cherish one another and the joy of being together. Whether it’s scaling back or starting new traditions, celebrate in a way that makes the most sense for your family and is something that you, your Aspergers youngster, and the entire family will all enjoy.

==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums
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