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How can I get my spouse more involved with our autistic daughter?

Question

How can I get my spouse more involved with our daughter (high functioning)? He is generally supportive, but doesn’t seem willing to learn anything about autism or get involved with our daughter’s treatment. I’m starting to wonder whether he’s ever going to get to know our daughter at all!

Answer

Unfortunately, you speak for many mothers in your situation. There is a sense of loneliness that many moms experience after the diagnosis. It seems to come from the general trend that males have a hard time facing things they can’t fix. They feel powerless and inept when they can’t simply work harder to fix their youngster’s “disability.” Your spouse probably feels more powerless than you do.

The dynamic of a family with a high-functioning autistic (HFA) youngster tends to follow a pattern where the dad focuses on the long-term problems (e.g., financial burdens), while the mom responds more emotionally as she faces the burdens of the daily care of the youngster. By being less involved in the daily interaction with their kids, dads tend to have a somewhat longer period of denial about the disorder and its implications. When males do express their feelings, they tend to show anger or frustration.



To make matters worse, many fathers of HFA children have undiagnosed autism themselves. And some wives report that such husbands tend to be hard driven, inexpressive, pragmatic individuals, devoid of strong emotions or the capacity to nurture, always more at home with work than with their families.

Recently, a mom of an autistic child (who I have been counseling) told her spouse that if he really loved her the way he said, then he would come to a few counseling sessions with her. She needed that from him and insisted. He came and was glad he did. He probably thought about autism as much as she did, but kept it all inside. He was very expressive about what a great job she was doing, but simultaneously very discouraged about his child’s progress.

One dad told me he never read anything about HFA or went to any appointments until his wife had to go out of town for a weekend for a funeral. Left home with their "special needs" youngster, he came to a realization of what his wife’s daily life was really like, and he began to take a different attitude. He began to learn about HFA and get involved in his child’s treatment.

Everyone deals with parenting a child with special needs differently, and this difference may be even more pronounced in a family with an HFA youngster. It is very typical for one parent to become immersed in the world of autism after the diagnosis, while the other parent takes a back seat. Your spouse’s supportiveness is a positive step, and not getting as involved at this stage does not necessarily mean an unwillingness to do so. He must come to terms with - and get to know - your daughter in his own way, and at his own pace.

Encouragement and support for your spouse to get more involved in your daughter’s life need not include any accusations at all. Keep your spouse informed about your daughter and what you learn about her and her disorder. Leave the information around for your spouse to pick up and take a look at in his own time. Continue to encourage positive family interaction as much as possible.

You may feel somewhat resentful at times that you are the one doing all of the work here. You may be more able than your spouse to deal with your daughter’s diagnosis and all of the planning and involvement that goes along with it. If your spouse has a particularly hard time accepting your daughter’s diagnosis, then some counseling may be helpful. But, first try to gently nudge him along and to talk to him about your feelings and his with regard to your daughter. Perhaps things can begin to move forward from there. You can certainly let your spouse know how his seeming lack of involvement or interest makes you feel (but no accusations).

Fathers tend to be slower in this aspect of parenting a "special needs" youngster, so don’t get discouraged. Let your spouse know that you appreciate him, and let him know what you need.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

Anonymous said...
I don't think it's not having an interest my partner is the same I think it's more to do with them finding it hard to understand!

Anonymous said...
My husband had the same problem and I thought the same things most people do BUT after i finally got him to be totally honest he did understand but was scared that because of her Aspergers she would not reciprocate his emotions. And as you well know men don't admit their fears easily. After he started participating in her treatment they grew very close. In fact she tells him her "secrets" now lol she is 11

Anonymous said...
That's my husband he knows nothing about it and all I ever say is start reading about it and he does not understand our daughter and her issues so I deal with it all alone . His answer is always just punish her ... Like that would work ... He also says he's never had to deal with a child with "mental " issues .... I think sometimes that makes him feel like less than a man or something because our daughter is like that

Unknown said...
I read this post on a day where our differences in dealing with our son came up once again. Mostly, we don't talk about it, and I feel resentment because while I try to have positive interactions with our son way more often than negative ones, my husband seems to always be correcting or judging or wishing he was different. We interviewed a therapist today and I brought up that I would like family therapy. I keep mentioning to my husband how much it affects our relationship when he doesn't connect in positive ways with our son. It doesn't ever seem to change anything long-term. He sits at home with his computer or his papers and spends so much more time working even when he is at home than he does giving attention to our son (unless it is to scold him).
By

Bullying: How Parents Can Take Legal Action To Get It Stopped

Question

I have an 8-year-old Asperger son. How do you handle when he is bullied and the school administration seems to give you the brush off. My son act-outs when he is under stress or in an unstructured situation. In all of those instances, he gets the detentions. When I call in about his being bullied, nothing is done, or the bully gets spoken to in their classroom, as a sort of blanket discussion. How do I handle this?

Answer

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack (e.g., teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, stealing, etc.), or something more subtle (e.g., malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, intentional exclusion, etc.). Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Unfortunately, many parents have attempted to reconcile such victimization by going to school officials and requesting that something be done – only to be told that either (a) the bullying is not, in fact, occurring at all, or (b) the school is - or will - address the issue.

As one Aspergers student stated:

“I AM such a child with Asperger's Syndrome. Bullying hurts so badly. In my first secondary school, I was being discriminated by the teachers, especially the Head of Year. Whenever I was being bullied, they turned a blind eye, whereas when I fought back, I was suspended and the bullies weren't even punished. I do not want to see the hallway where I took those internal suspensions. I later quit that school. Just because we are "disabled", as the government puts it, does NOT mean we are brain-dead and do not have feelings. We actually feel feelings more deeply than most people, only we cannot describe them properly. More than 3 times, I have contemplated suicide because I have been bullied and cannot express my feelings. If someone bullies someone else into suicide, is that not murder? How many more times must we, the "disabled" community, be tortured to the end of our tether before people FINALLY understand that we are still people?”

Often times, after months or years of getting no results from school officials, many parents of Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) students have to either (a) move their child to a different school, or (b) quit work and stay at home in order to home-school their child.

So, what can parents do who are at their wits-end in trying to get bullying stopped – once and for all?!  Here’s how to take the bully by the horns and get school officials to take you seriously:

1. Document all aspects of the bullying incidents involving your Aspergers youngster. Keep meticulous notes and records, just as if you are the attorney representing your youngster. Ask your Aspie to do the same. If you want to make it a fun exercise, grab a long-handled spoon and pronounce on your Aspie, "I now dub you a special junior attorney." Advocate for – and empower – your Aspergers child. Who knows, he may even become an attorney some day, or find a profession that utilizes such skills.

2. Conduct an interview with your Aspergers youngster, and then write down a summary of the bullying incidents in bullet point fashion.

3. If there were witnesses to any of the bullying incidents, get their statements – and signatures on those statements (do this in front of a grown-up if the witnesses are minors). Do not forget to add dates, names, times, and all the “who, what, when, where and why” information you can find.

4. Write down any comments made by teachers or other school officials. These written notes may not seem like much at the time, but later, they may be a deciding point for justice in your Aspie’s favor. In addition, these records may aid in procedural changes that could dramatically reduce bullying in your school.

5. The parent must prove that the school district actually knew about the bullying offenses, but refused to take action to correct it. So, be sure to notify your child’s school district. The first element that must be satisfied to win a peer-harassment complaint is to give the school district "actual notice" of the incidents. Address the notification to a specific person and date the letter. The letter should be sent via certified mail, UPS or Fed Ex to the District Superintendent with courtesy copies (CC) to your child’s teacher(s) and principal.

6. In the notification, request an Acknowledgement Letter to Confirm Receipt of Notification. An acknowledgement letter is written to confirm receipt of documents in the office this notification is used in official purposes. The authority in the office where you have submitted your notification writes this letter to let you know that the notification has reached the right place. The letter should convey that your notification has been received and how much time will be required to complete the formalities involved.

7. Be sure to write the letter to a person who has the authority to investigate - and the authority to correct - the wrong.


8. State the past - or continuing - discriminatory activity against your youngster. If you have not been documenting the history of the bullying incidents, now is a good time to start.

9. State that the school district has control over both the physical site of the discrimination and over any school personnel involved. You may want to give examples of changes the district has recently made to the school facilities, curriculum or schedule – all of which demonstrate control.

10. Explain that the discrimination was not a single act – but was severe and pervasive.

11. Tell how the discrimination excluded your Aspergers youngster from participation in certain school activities, or denied his/her benefits to which other students enjoyed. One of the elements you must prove to prevail on a peer-harassment claim is that the harassment was "so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it can be said to deprive the victims of access to the educational opportunities or benefits provided by the school."

12. Explain what you would like the school to do. Suggest what the school may do to stop the discrimination or to fix the harm the discrimination has done to your youngster.

13. Ask for a copy of a school district grievance procedure under Section 504 (even if your youngster has an IEP under IDEA). Not having this information may result in continued discrimination.

14. State that you expect investigation and/or effective corrective action. Should the individual receiving the letter fail to investigate, or does not take effective corrective action, you may claim that the district showed deliberate indifference to the discrimination.

15. Add a date that you expect to hear back from the district in regards to your notification.

16. Lastly, you may wish to include the following "Note to School Officials" along with your notification letter (copy and paste into a Word document, then print-out and add as an attachment):

Note to School Officials—

The school district is a recipient of federal financial assistance. Public schools depend on the continued flow of federal funds. This depends, in part, on their compliance with Federal Laws.

Harassing conduct may take many forms, including verbal acts and name‐calling, graphic and written statements (which may include use of cell phones or the Internet), or other conduct that may be physically threatening, harmful, or humiliating. Harassment does not have to include (a) intent to harm, (b) be directed at a specific target, or (c) involve repeated incidents. Harassment creates a hostile environment when the conduct is sufficiently severe, pervasive, or persistent so as to interfere with or limit a student’s ability to participate in or benefit from the services, activities, or opportunities offered by a school. When such harassment is based on race, color, national origin, sex, or disability, it violates the civil rights laws that OCR enforces.

A school is responsible for addressing harassment incidents about which it knows or reasonably should have known. In some situations, harassment may be in plain sight, widespread, or well‐known to students and staff, such as harassment occurring in hallways, during academic or physical education classes, during extra-curricular activities, at recess, on a school bus, or through graffiti in public areas. In these cases, the obvious signs of the harassment are sufficient to put the school on notice.

In other situations, the school may become aware of misconduct, triggering an investigation that could lead to the discovery of additional incidents that, taken together, may constitute a hostile environment. In all cases, schools should have well‐publicized policies prohibiting harassment and procedures for reporting and resolving 10complaints that will alert the school to incidents of harassment.

When responding to harassment, a school must take immediate and appropriate action to investigate or otherwise determine what occurred. The specific steps in a school’s investigation will vary depending upon:
  • the age of the student(s) involved
  • the nature of the allegation
  • the size and administrative structure of the school
  • the source of the complaint
  • and other factors

In all cases, however, the inquiry should be prompt, thorough, and impartial.

If an investigation reveals that discriminatory harassment has occurred, a school must take prompt and effective steps reasonably calculated to end the harassment, eliminate any hostile environment and its effects, and prevent the harassment from recurring. These duties are a school’s responsibility even if the misconduct also is covered by an anti‐bullying policy, and regardless of whether a student has complained, asked the school to take action, or identified the harassment as a form of discrimination.



COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... We are having trouble in this area too!my son is only just being diagnosed aspergers at 12!he finds it impossible to walk away which also causes trouble!!he is suffering badly with anxiety and is feeling very sad and alone as he says he is uncool to be seen with even by kids who quiet like him.so sad.
•    Anonymous said... I only just realised this was happening to my aspie son (aged 12). He's in year 7 at a new school with no friends. He was being stirred by 3 boys from his class. I spoke to his school & they were fantastic in speaking to the other boys & i'm hoping thats the end of it. My only mistake was approaching one of the mothers i knew of those boys, these children are ignorant because their parents are ignorant. She told me "she felt sorry for her child because he was forced to sit next to & be friend my son". Unfortunately we have no control as to the lack of understanding & compassion with these people, what we can do is help, support & do our best to teach our kids the social cues they just dont get. My advise work with the schools, the only person our kids have got to fight their battles is us & they deserve it. They deserve to be happy.
•    Anonymous said... I had trouble with this because my Aspergers child didn't like anyone around him, had behavior problems, and we dealt with a lot of anger with him because he was so easily frustrated. We found out when he was 5 and now is 13. He still has a hard time making friends but has been called the bully and Has been bullied and had to go on an anti depressant because of how sad he was feeling. It can be difficult. Just Advocate for your child and don't let them push you around.

Please post your comment below... 
By

Aspergers Children and Intensity-Seeking: 2-Minute Tip

This Week's 2-Minute Tip: Aspergers Children and Intensity-Seeking



==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers Children
By

Strategies for Parents and Teachers: Summary of Mark Hutten's Lecture

The autism spectrum extends from “classic autism” (which lies at the lower end of the spectrum) through to Aspergers (which is characterized as being at the mildest and highest functioning end of the spectrum).

Aspergers reflects deviations or abnormalities in four aspects of development:

1. Certain behavioral and stylistic characteristics such as repetitive or persevering features
2. Limited, but intense, range of interests
3. Social relatedness and social skills
4. The use of language for purposes of communication

These dysfunctional features can range from mild to severe.

Aspergers is characterized by:

• a better prognosis than other Autism spectrum disorders
• difficulties with pragmatic, or social language
• extending into the very superior range of cognitive ability
• high cognitive abilities - or, at least, “normal” IQ level
• normal language function when compared to other autistic disorders

Diagnostic Criteria from DSM—

Aspergers:

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
  1. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
  2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
  3. lack of social or emotional reciprocity
  4. marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
  1. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
  2. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereo-typed and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
  3. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
  4. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrase used by age 3 years).

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

CLINICAL FEATURES—

One of the primary features of Aspergers is the child’s passion for favorite topics or special interests. Some of these areas include:

• astronomy
• dinosaurs
• extraterrestrials
• geography
• history
• machines or machinery
• maps
• math
• meteorology
• music
• reading
• science
• social studies
• space travel
• trains
• weather

Socialization deficits:

• Are inflexible and incapable of coping with change
• By school age express desire to fit in socially
• Described as being "in OUR world, but, ON THEIR OWN terms"
• Different from "typical" Autism
• Difficulties making social connections
• Easily stressed and emotionally vulnerable
• Frequently described as “odd” or selfish
• Highly frustrated by their social awkwardness/alienation
• Lack effective interaction skills — not desire
• Lack understanding of human relations and rules of social convention
• Naïve and lack common sense
• Preoccupied with own agenda
• Seldom interested in other's interests/concerns
• Unable to “read” others' needs and perspectives
• Unable to appropriately respond to social cues

Use of Language:

• Concrete language rather than abstract
• Difficulty understanding humor
• Early years: repetitive phrases or language or stock phrases from memorized material
• Excessively formal or pedantic language
• Hyper-verbal (highly developed vocabularies)
• Laugh at “wrong time” with jokes or interactions
• Many have good sense of humor
• Misused or not used cultural slang or social idioms
• Problems with taking turns in conversations
• Prosody (speech volume, intonation, inflection, rate) is frequently deficient or unusual
• Rote skills are strong
• Typically revert to favorite topic area
• Usually like word games and puns
• Weak pragmatic-conversational-skills
• Some have normal or early language development while others have speech delays, then rapidly catch up, making diagnosis between Aspergers, autism, and speech disorders difficult

TEACHING STRESS REDUCTION SKILLS—

Aspergers kids are:

• are often anxious and worrisome
• easily overwhelmed
• highly sensitive
• often engage in rituals

Practical Suggestions:

• consistent routines
• let them know what to expect
• minimize fears of unknown
• minimize transitions
• prepare them for altered plans, schedules or changes
• provide predictable, safe environments

Examples:

• Introduce to teacher, therapist or para-professional before work begins
• Take tour of building child will be working or learning in
• Learn about child's favorite topics or special interests

Aspergers kids typically display impaired social interaction…


Practical Suggestions:

• Create cooperative learning situations
• Educate peers
• Praise classmates when supportive
• Promote empathy and tolerance
• Shield them from bullying and teasing

Examples:

• Encourage participation in conversations
• Insensitive or inappropriate comments from Aspergers child are usually innocent
• Model two-way interactions
• Rehearse proper response repertoires
• Teach and support proper reaction to social cues
• Teach WHAT to say, WHEN, and HOW to say it
• Teach/model correct emotional responding
• Teaching WHY & WHAT response is appropriate is necessary
• Use Aspergers youngster’s strengths in exchange for liabilities to foster acceptance

COMMUNICATION AND GESTURES—

Six steps for understanding challenging communications…

1. Try to figure out what your youngster is communicating with the challenging behavior:

• “I can't remember what I'm supposed to do”
• “I'm mad…scared…confused”
• “This is too difficult for me”

2. Consider how you can adapt the situation:

• Child overwhelmed or over-stimulated? Try reducing amount of time in situation, or avoiding it in future.
• Child expressing confusion? Consider how to make the situation easier to understand; make it more concrete, routine, or predictable.

3. If the message must be communicated, come up with alternate way in which your youngster can communicate his or her needs or wishes more appropriately:

• Help your youngster develop appropriate ways of conveying requests/needs. If screaming when confused by a task, teach youngster to raise hand, ring a bell, or say: “I need help with this…this is too hard.”

4. Practice the “new way” of communicating:

• during the situation, remind (prompt) youngster to use new phrase or behavior
• have youngster practice the “new phrase” or behavior
• model more appropriate phrase or nonverbal signals

5. Reward your child for using the strategy by showing that it gets his or her needs met:

• if asks to leave situation, provide her with immediate break
• if needs attention, stop what you're doing and provide some time/interest
• if your youngster requests help assist her immediately

6. Be sure that the challenging behavior is no longer effective in getting your youngster’s needs met:

• ignore problem behaviors
• provide prompt for the “new, appropriate one
• if youngster screams to avoid situation, prompt him to use an appropriate phrase; don’t allow him to leave the situation while he is screaming

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
By

How To Have A Stress-Free Christmas

Christmas is often filled with stress. There is a lot of pressure to make Christmas perfect and fun, and to enjoy yourself while you're doing it. This is a tall order in any situation, but when you add to that the stress of having a child with special needs for whom you also want the holidays to be perfect and fun – it can often become more overwhelming than ever. 

Here are 10 tips to help you have a stress-free Christmas with your Aspergers or high-functioning autistic child:

1. Kids on the autism spectrum will always do better when they are not over-stimulated by the many sights, sounds, smells, and unpredictable events of the outside world. You can create an experience in your home that you normally would go out for. For example, instead of going to an evening parade with a festival of lights, you can put Christmas lights all around your house, turn off all the lights, and play Christmas music at a gentle volume. You may be concerned about depriving your youngster of a fun holiday experience, but keep in mind that when your youngster can’t digest the experience, he’s not having the fun experience you want. That’s why, if you can create a digestible version of the experience at home, your youngster can take in and enjoy the experience. By doing this, you are actually giving him more, not less.

2. Focus on a few things you know are important to make sure you have prepared around this time. Of course, some things may need modification so that it is possible to enjoy them with your youngster. For example, if there is a danger of them hurting themselves on fragile decorations, you may have to put them higher up and out of reach, or get new ones that are not so fragile. Some special foods may not be served. These modifications often bring some disappointment, but if the goal is a nice family holiday, it's important and we can adjust.

3. Holiday decorations inside the house – including bright and blinking lights, wreaths, trees, candles and stacks of presents – could be areas of concern. Parents know best what their Aspergers youngster enjoys and at what point things may become overwhelming. However, parents should not expect higher tolerance simply because it is the holiday season.

4. Holiday shopping with an Aspergers youngster may present its own set of challenges, especially when the stores are crowded and noisy. Make a list that identifies the items you’re shopping for, and do not roam the stores trying to decide what to buy. Keeping the trip short and being organized will help minimize the potential for your youngster to become overwhelmed and have a “meltdown” in the middle of a store.

5. If you are visiting family with your child, send them an email ahead of time to explain what they can do to make the visit comfortable for you and your Aspie. Explain why a group of talkative family members asking your child a bunch of questions might be problematic, or tell everyone the answer your youngster likes to hear when he asks over and over, “How fast does your car go?” Also, designate in advance a calm room or space where he can go to decompress once he begins to be overwhelmed by all of the commotion and sensory input that comprise most celebrations. Every so often, take the youngster to this room and spend some time alone with him.


6. Make the demands on yourself realistic and don't try to do so much that you feel only frustration. Make realistic lists and work on things one at a time. Looking at a whole month of this holiday season is less overwhelming if you take it in small pieces. You may also have to lower your expectations of what you can really do, but at least what you do will be less stressful and make the holidays special.

7. Most parents dread their Aspergers children behaving in a challenging way. We worry about it, we look for it, and we try to stop it as soon as it happens. Ironically, this puts all the focus on what you DON’T want from your youngster. If you don’t want him to hit, for example, focusing on getting him ‘not to hit’ actually creates more hitting. Instead celebrate your child every time he does something well. If your kid sometimes hits, cheer wildly every time he is gentle.

8. Since the holidays are a time for the whole family to enjoy together, it’s important to make siblings aware of how stressful this season can be for their brother or sister with Aspergers. Take the time to remind your other kids of their sibling’s sensory issues, communication difficulties, low frustration tolerance and likes and dislikes. Moms and dads can then share the family’s strategy for avoiding potential issues and discuss what they will do if their best efforts are unsuccessful.

9. So often, we get caught up in the trappings of the holidays – the tree, the presents, the outings that have to go exactly as planned. It’s okay to arrange fun things, but remember that these are only trimmings. They aren’t the gift, they’re just the wrapping. The gift is your special youngster. The gift is sharing hope and sweetness with loved ones. Instead of using the Christmas season as a “planning fest,” use it to see the beauty in your Aspergers kid’s uniqueness. Use it to celebrate what he can do, and use it to feel and encourage compassion for his very different way of experiencing the world.

10. We often put pressure on ourselves to make the holidays perfect, which is unrealistic. In the end, the most important thing to remember is that the holidays are a time to cherish one another and the joy of being together. Whether it’s scaling back or starting new traditions, celebrate in a way that makes the most sense for your family and is something that you, your Aspergers youngster, and the entire family will all enjoy.

==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums
By

Creating an Individualized Education Program (IEP) for Students with Asperger’s Syndrome and High Functioning Autism

Children with delayed skills or other disabilities might be eligible for special services that provide individualized education programs in public schools, free of charge to families. Understanding how to access these services can help moms and dads to be effective advocates for their Aspergers and high-functioning autistic children.

The passage of the updated version of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA 2004) made mothers/fathers of children with special needs even more crucial members of their youngster's education team. Moms and dads can now work with teachers to develop a plan — the individualized education program (IEP) — to help children succeed in school. The IEP describes the goals the team sets for a youngster during the school year, as well as any special support needed to help achieve them.

A youngster who has difficulty learning and functioning and has been identified as a special needs child is the perfect candidate for an IEP. Children struggling in school may qualify for support services, allowing them to be taught in a special way, for reasons such as:
  • attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
  • autism spectrum disorders
  • cognitive challenges
  • developmental delay
  • emotional disorders
  • hearing impairment
  • learning disabilities
  • speech or language impairment
  • visual impairment 

How Services Are Delivered—
    In most cases, the services and goals outlined in an IEP can be provided in a standard school environment. This can be done in the regular classroom (e.g., a reading teacher helping a small group of kids who need extra assistance while the other children in the class work on reading with the regular teacher) or in a special resource room in the regular school. The resource room can serve a group of children with similar needs who are brought together for help. However, children who need intense intervention may be taught in a special school environment. These classes have fewer children per teacher, allowing for more individualized attention.

    In addition, the teacher usually has specific training in helping children with special educational needs. The kids spend most of their day in a special classroom and join the regular classes for nonacademic activities (like music and gym) or in academic activities in which they don't need extra help.

    Because the goal of IDEA is to ensure that each youngster is educated in the least restrictive environment possible, effort is made to help children stay in a regular classroom. However, when needs are best met in a special class, then children might be placed in one.

    Referral and Evaluation—

    The referral process generally begins when a teacher, mother or father, or doctor is concerned that a youngster may be having trouble in the classroom, and the teacher notifies the school counselor or psychologist. The first step is to gather specific data regarding the child's progress or academic problems. This may be done through:
    • conference with moms and dads
    • conference with the child
    • analysis of the child's performance (e.g., attention, behavior, work completion, tests, class work, homework, etc.)
    • observation of the child

    This information helps school personnel determine the next step. At this point, strategies specific to the child could be used to help the youngster become more successful in school. If this doesn't work, the youngster would be tested for a specific learning disability or other impairment to help determine qualification for special services.

    It's important to note, though, that the presence of a disability doesn't automatically guarantee a youngster will receive services. To be eligible, the disability must affect functioning at school.

    To determine eligibility, a multidisciplinary team of professionals will evaluate the youngster based on their observations; the youngster's performance on standardized tests; and daily work such as tests, quizzes, class work, and homework.

    Professionals on the Team—

    The professionals on the evaluation team can include:
    • physical therapist
    • psychologist
    • special educator
    • speech therapist
    • vision or hearing specialist
    • occupational therapist

    As a mother or father, you can decide whether to have your youngster assessed. If you choose to do so, you'll be asked to sign a permission form that will detail who is involved in the process and the types of tests they use. These tests might include measures of specific school skills, such as reading or math, as well as more general developmental skills, such as speech and language. Testing does not necessarily mean that a youngster will receive services.

    Once the team members complete their individual assessments, they develop a comprehensive evaluation report (CER) that compiles their findings, offers an educational classification, and outlines the skills and support the youngster will need.

    The moms and dads then have a chance to review the report before the IEP is developed. Some moms and dads will disagree with the report, and they will have the opportunity to work together with the school to come up with a plan that best meets the youngster's needs.

    IEP Development—


    The next step is an IEP meeting at which the team and moms and dads decide what will go into the plan. In addition to the evaluation team, a regular teacher should be present to offer suggestions about how the plan can help the youngster's progress in the standard education curriculum.

    At the meeting, the team will discuss your youngster's educational needs — as described in the CER — and come up with specific, measurable short-term and annual goals for each of those needs. If you attend this meeting, you can take an active role in developing the goals and determining which skills or areas will receive the most attention.

    The cover page of the IEP outlines the support services your youngster will receive and how often they will be provided (e.g., occupational therapy twice a week). Support services might include special education, speech therapy, occupational or physical therapy, counseling, audiology, medical services, nursing, vision or hearing therapy, and many others.

    If the team recommends several services, the amount of time they take in the youngster's school schedule can seem overwhelming. To ease that load, some services may be provided on a consultative basis. In these cases, the professional consults with the teacher to come up with strategies to help the youngster but doesn't offer any hands-on instruction. For instance, an occupational therapist may suggest accommodations for a youngster with fine-motor problems that affect handwriting, and the classroom teacher would incorporate these suggestions into the handwriting lessons taught to the entire class.

    Other services can be delivered right in the classroom, so the youngster's day isn't interrupted by therapy. The youngster who has difficulty with handwriting might work one on one with an occupational therapist while everyone else practices their handwriting skills. When deciding how and where services are offered, the youngster's comfort and dignity should be a top priority.

    The IEP should be reviewed annually to update the goals and make sure the levels of service meet your youngster's needs. However, IEPs can be changed at any time on an as-needed basis. If you think your youngster needs more, fewer, or different services, you can request a meeting and bring the team together to discuss your concerns.

    Parents’ Legal Rights—

    Specific timelines ensure that the development of an IEP moves from referral to providing services as quickly as possible. Be sure to ask about this timeframe and get a copy of your parents’ rights when your youngster is referred. These guidelines (sometimes called procedural safeguards) outline your rights as a mother or father to control what happens to your youngster during each step of the process.

    The parents’ rights also describe how you can proceed if you disagree with any part of the CER or the IEP — mediation and hearings both are options. You can get information about low-cost or free legal representation from the school district or, if your youngster is in Early Intervention (for children ages 3 to 5), through that program.

    Attorneys and paid advocates familiar with the IEP process will provide representation if you need it. You also may invite anyone who knows or works with your youngster whose input you feel would be helpful to join the IEP team. 

    Conclusion—

    Moms and dads have the right to choose where their children will be educated. This choice includes public or private elementary schools and secondary schools, including religious schools. It also includes charter schools and home schools.

    However, it is important to understand that the rights of kids with disabilities who are placed by their moms and dads in private elementary schools and secondary schools are not the same as those of children with disabilities who are enrolled in public schools or placed by public agencies in private schools when the public school is unable to provide a free appropriate public education (FAPE).

    Two major differences that moms and dads, educators, other school staff, private school representatives, and the children need to know about are:
    1. Not all children with disabilities placed by their moms and dads in private schools will receive services.
    2. Kids with disabilities who are placed by their moms and dads in private schools may not get the same services they would receive in a public school.

    The IEP process is complex, but it's also an effective way to address how your youngster learns and functions. If you have concerns, don't hesitate to ask questions about the evaluation findings or the goals recommended by the team. You know your youngster best and should play a central role in creating a learning plan tailored to his or her specific needs.


     More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

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    What To Do If You Think You Have Aspergers

    Question

    I suspect that I have Aspergers. What course of action should I take - if any?

    Answer

    Because individuals with Aspergers are among the most high-functioning and able on the autistic spectrum, they are also the most likely to slip through the diagnostic net. Although many are diagnosed as kids, others reach adulthood either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

    The key to getting an accurate diagnosis is finding a professional who has experience diagnosing children, teens and adults with Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism). A clinician whose only experience is with "low-functioning" autism may not be as helpful. Here is a list of clinicians who have experience in diagnosing Aspergers.

    Grown-ups with Aspergers who seek help with challenges they face are sometimes misdiagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental illnesses. It is important that adults questioning whether or not they have Aspergers seek the services of a professional experienced in diagnosing Aspergers.

    Does it matter if you get a diagnosis or not? Well, if you are functioning well and have a job, and are happy with the life you have, then there may be no reason to get a diagnosis. Conversely, if you are struggling in important areas in your life, a diagnosis can provide a framework for understanding and learning about behavioral and emotional challenges that have seemed unexplainable until now. Although challenges in sensory integration (i.e., the ability to organize sensory information for use by the brain) are not considered diagnostic criteria, most – if not all – Aspies have a sensory challenge of one kind or the other.

    Some areas of difficulty where Aspergers could possibly be a factor include the following:

    1. Are parties uncomfortable or overwhelming? Social events are a great way to meet people, and they can be essential for business, dating, and even marriage. But if you are uncomfortable because you are unsure of what to wear, how to start conversations, you have a hard time reading body language, then these “fun events” can be murder.

    2. Do you a problem focusing on what others are saying while looking at them?

    3. Do you avoid social events because you can't hear the person next to you over the hum of the crowd, or you don't like the touch of shaking people's hands or having people pat you on the back?

    4. Do you have a passionate interest in a certain subject or topic? Perhaps you've been called OCD, but you think you're just very interested in one incredibly fascinating subject matter. This passionate topic could help you in other areas of your life, if only you knew how to use it.

    5. Do you have a tough time making or keeping friends, and don't understand why? Or perhaps your peers are only interested in you when you're engaged in an activity or interest that you share, but you have not built a personal relationship.

    6. Do you have trouble in getting and keeping a job that reflects your abilities even though your credentials look great on paper? It could be that you are very talented but don't have a clue as to how to do the sell yourself during an interview. Maybe the office politics are just something you don't get, so you are routinely passed up when it comes to promotions.


    7. Has someone you are very fond of pointed out certain behaviors that drive them crazy and suggested that you might have Aspergers. Maybe there is something to their suggestion.

    8. Have you ever met someone special that you wanted to get to know better, but didn't have a clue as to how to go about asking him or her out on a date?

    9. If you are a college student, do you have trouble keeping up with coursework and finishing a degree? Perhaps you could use some help in getting and staying organized and planning your time.

    Why you should get a diagnosis, if indeed you do have Aspergers:

    1. Getting a diagnosis may help you find the strategies you need to be more successful in the areas where you are facing challenges.

    2. It may help others in your life understand why you are the way you are, and respond to you differently.

    3. There are Aspergers support groups out there (on-line and off-line) who can help you in many ways so you don't have to feel isolated and figure everything out for yourself.

    4. There is a whole community of people who get who you are, how you think, how you feel, and that you can share experiences with.

    5. You can begin the process of learning to live more adaptively with an Aspergers brain.

    6. You may be eligible for service services in areas of need thanks to having a diagnosis - perhaps help with finding a job or a place to live. 

    How to find out if you have Aspergers or not:

    1. If you know any mothers or fathers of kids with Aspergers, ask them about the clinicians in your area familiar with Aspergers. If those clinicians can’t help you, they will hopefully refer you to someone in your area familiar with Aspergers.

    2. One way to find the right person in your geographical location is to contact The Global and Regional Aspergers Partnership (GRASP), and the Autism Society of America (ASA). These organizations may have chapters in your area. If not, they can provide you with the names of professionals who would know someone to refer you to, in your geographical area.

    3. Typically you need to see a clinical social worker, a licensed professional counselor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist or neuro-psychiatrist. It is important to see a professional who specializes in Aspergers, especially one who is familiar with Aspergers in grown-ups.


    ==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
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    Crucial Strategies for Parents of Challenging Kids on the Autism Spectrum

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