All teenagers experience depression from time to time due to the normal pressures faced during adolescents. Also, people with Aspergers (high functioning autism) experience depression occasionally due to dealing with the symptoms associated with the disorder. So, little wonder why a teenager WITH Aspergers may have more than his fair share of depression symptoms.
"If things are not the way my son (high functioning) wants/needs them, we often hear swearing or he will just ignore me when i ask what is wrong (like he expects me to mind read)....i think he finds it difficult to put his feelings into words, so it often pours out in yelling and abusive names. Any suggestions?!"
Does your high-functioning autistic (HFA) or Asperger's child seem to experience more than his fair share of frustration? And does he often slip into a meltdown once he’s frustrated? If so, then read on…
Most kids on the autism spectrum go through peaks of frustration throughout their childhood. Younger ones often express their frustration in tantrums. At that point, many of them learn the word “frustrated,” and moms and dads and teachers help them to find compromises and alternatives and to develop at least some degree of “frustration tolerance.”
In the preschool years, further triggers for frustration emerge (e.g., comparisons with peers, new expectations, observations of older kids - especially siblings - and grown-ups, etc.). A youngster may be prone to frustration if he has minor delays in some developmental area, if he has easily succeeded at many things and does not remember the process of learning them, or if he is developing a somewhat perfectionistic personality style.
How your child deals with frustration is influenced by how you react to it. If you model an unhealthy response to the frustration you experience in your life (e.g., with impatience, anger, etc.), your child may learn that this is an appropriate way to deal with frustration. If you are calm, positive, and look for solutions when you get frustrated, your child will likely adopt this approach to frustration.
Here's how parents can help HFA and Asperger's kids cope with frustration:
1. Explain that everyone, including grown-ups, feels frustrated sometimes. Talk about the process people go through of not being able to do something and then practicing and getting better at it.
2. Give lots of encouragement for small accomplishments. If a youngster reaches a plateau with a new task, celebrate how far he has come. Reassure him that, in his own time, frustration will diminish, reappearing occasionally as a signal of his hard work.
3. Help them develop a strategy of taking one small step at a time in approaching new things.
4. Identify how your child expresses frustration and the activities (or social situations) that tend to elicit it.
5. Instead of recognizing that failure is temporary, an youngster on he autism spectrum often concludes, “I’ll never succeed.” That’s why encouragement is by far the most important gift you can give your frustrated youngster. Take his dejection seriously, but help him look at his challenge differently: “Never,” you might reply, “is an awfully long time.” Eventually, he’ll learn from your encouraging words to talk himself out of giving up.
6. One of the first mistakes that many kids on the spectrum make – and that moms and dads often encourage – when faced with frustration is to just increase their effort (i.e., do whatever they are doing - more and harder). But then they are violating the Law of Insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results. When frustration first arises, rather than plowing ahead, your youngster should do just the opposite (i.e., step back from the situation that is causing the frustration). For example, if your youngster can't solve a math problem or learn a new sports skill that he is practicing, he should set it aside and take a break. Stopping the activity creates emotional distance from the frustration, thus easing its grip on them.
7. Provide alternatives to unacceptable expressions of frustration. Since frustration is a form of pent-up energy, doing something physical to burn-off the negative energy often works quite well. Going for a brief - but brisk - walk, jumping up and down for a minute or two, or some other physical activity helps to semi-exhaust the child so that little energy is left over for tantrum-behavior (e.g., throwing things, yelling, hitting, etc.).
8. You can help your child learn to soothe himself by demonstrating patience and self-control, and by suggesting self-calming strategies (e.g., cuddling with a favorite stuffed animal, singing a favorite song, taking a break and doing something fun, beginning the task again with a smaller step so that there is a first success to build on, etc.). Your long-term goal is for him to learn to recognize when he’s frustrated and what he can do about it on his own.
9. You can help your youngster hold on to his sense of self-worth by helping him remember his past successes – and the struggles that preceded them. Put his current struggle into perspective by recalling other times that he thought he’d never succeed, until he did. Help him learn to notice the strengths that he can count on to help him triumph — guts, determination, endurance, careful observation (no matter how fledgling some of these qualities may still be).
10. You can help your youngster recognize that learning involves trial and error. Mastering a new skill takes patience, perseverance, practice, and the confidence that success will come. To a young person, achieving success, whether it’s writing his name or hitting a baseball for the first time, can seem monumental.
Although Aspergers has been around for many years, it was only classified as a distinct condition in 1992. This means that many elderly folks could not have been diagnosed as kids because the signs and symptoms were not recognized.
There is evidence that Aspergers can run in families, and elderly folks may become aware of their condition when a younger family member is diagnosed. Moms and dads normally read up on the signs and symptoms and may recognize the same signs in their older relatives.
Grown-ups with Aspergers present with similar signs of the condition as do children and teens. In some cases, the problems may not be quite as pronounced as the grown-up may have developed coping mechanisms.
Elderly folks with Aspergers normally display the following symptoms:
Social interaction is difficult, and the Aspie is normally too detached or too intense. They struggle to understand the full meaning of relationships, and sexual issues may be a problem. Some are unable to distinguish between date rape and seduction.
Obsessional interests are common, and the Aspie may work in a position that is related to this interest. Computers are frequently the focus of attention. Collectibles (e.g., stamps and coins) are also favored. Some elderly folks with Aspergers may also be obsessed with trains, airplanes or other forms of transport.
Elderly folks often like routine, and Aspergers may magnify this to extremes. They may have rigid routines and become unsettled and difficult if they are pressed out of their comfort zones.
Communication problems are common, and the Aspie often engages in long-winded, one-sided conversations, not realizing they are boring the other party. Information may be shared in a lecture-like manner and with little or no facial expressions. Body language is weak and eye contact poor.
While some older folks find a diagnosis helpful, others refuse to accept it and prefer to carry on as they have been for years. Accepting a diagnosis means the individual will often look back and examine past actions and decisions. For an elderly man or woman set in his/her ways, this may be an alarming prospect.
Currently, there is no single diagnostic tool for Aspergers that is universally recognized. A family member may read an article about Aspergers and the elderly and see the signs in an aged relative. If the subject is broached, it is possible the potential Aspie will visit a doctor for confirmation. An evaluation may include a review of childhood behavior, analysis of school reports if available, and a questionnaire. Even if medical opinion is not sought, the knowledge that signs and symptoms of Aspergers are apparent can bring relief and understanding in some areas.
A firm diagnosis of Aspergers in an elderly man or woman may be met with resistance - but can be helpful. Even if the Aspie does not want to change or alter his/her behavior and routines, it can be comforting to know there is a reason behind the behavior.
•Anonymous said... As long as you are not struggling in a particular facet of your life, then receiving a formal diagnosis does not matter, however if you are struggling, a psychotherapist can help, and if you have health insurance...it is generally covered.
•Anonymous said... I had struggled my whole life in many facets. I no longer struggle now because I accept I am different. Now I can happily dance to my own tune. I hope others are as lucky!!
•Anonymous said... My dad is 65.... I think he has aspergers.... My eldest son is 23 yrs old and was diagnosed aged 10 with aspergers /adhd and I see so many similarities in them.... It has made it easier having my son to understand my dad if that makes any sense?....
•Anonymous said... National Autism day is coming up soon in April - not sure of the date. I think there might be T Shirts available. Anyone know?
•Anonymous said... Same here ... But I have a hard time justifying the expense of a diagnosis when I'm not sure what it would do for me.
•Anonymous said... That is my point. I can't afford to get a diagnosis privately and don't feel inclined to go through the stress of trying to get diagnosed through the health service. I know I'm Aspergers and I can live my life accordingly now.
•Anonymous said... The hard part if finding trained professionals who understand enough to give you any guidance or help.
•Anonymous said... Yes my Father is 92! with Aspergus.
•Anonymous said... . It was classified in the U.S. as a distinct condition in 1994 in the DSM-IV (with an update in the DSM IV-TR in 2000) and in the ICD-10 (also in 1994). However, it was a distinct condition that was diagnosed in Europe in the 1940s onward. What's more, prior to Asperger Syndrome being added to the DSM or the ICD, childhood schizophrenia was the diagnosis most often given. With the addition of AS in the DSM and the ICD, the number of diagnoses for childhood schizophrenia decreased at a similar rate to the increase diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome.
•Anonymous said... I was diagnosed in adulthood. No help or understanding in schools colleges or work.
•Anonymous said... Just so that you know, the most Aspie of us who lived life without the diagnosis have been living as mimics for our whole lives. I would mimic the behaviour of "normal" people my whole life and that's how I managed to get where I am now. I was beat up a lot during my childhoood and still suffer some bullying by "atypicals" to this day but I still find that aping behaviours seen in "typicals" help me in everyday life. I feel bad for those Aspies who cannot mimic!
•Anonymous said... My little boy is now 5. After he turned 2 he started regressing and showing signs of autism. When I was going through the lengthy process of getting him diagnosed, I recognised a lot of likenesses between his actions and behaviours and my own, both as a child and indeed right through my adult life. After we got him diagnosed (he is low functioning, non verbal), I couldn't help but listen to the nagging voice telling me to find out more about myself. I have taken the Autism Quotient test time after time over a period of time and constantly come out with a score of 47. I have found out as much as I can about Aspergers and I am yet to find a facet of my personality which doesn't map over as typical Aspergers. Every action and decision of my adult life can be explained with Aspergers, and the fact that I have always felt that I am different to what is classed as the 'norm'. I didn't go to school for the final year, so sat no exams, but even with that, I sat an IQ test with around 8 work colleagues when I was in my late twenties and even though some of them had masters degrees in technical subjects, I still scored higher than all of them with 146. I am not inclined to pursue a diagnosis, but let me assure you, now that I understand myself, it's like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders instead of beating myself up (emotionally) every day.
"My son (high functioning autistic) has been spending his summer
vacation pretty much isolating in his bedroom playing computer games....
has no friends... no desire to find a friend... says 'people don't like
me anyway, so why try'. How can I help him develop some confidence and
self-esteem?"
"How can I help my little man (high functioning autistic) reduce his
stress. He's usually excessively concerned about many things. Currently
his main stressor is worrying about a week long summer camp coming up
soon (but after that, it will be something else)."
"How should we go about telling my parents (and other family members) that our son has been diagnosed with autism (high-functioning)? They have always thought his behavior was odd. We believe strongly they should know so they can help to one degree or another with his special needs."
Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
An estimated seven million "typically developing" American kids have siblings with some type of “disorder” (e.g., ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, depression, anxiety, etc.). These kids face many of the same challenges - and joys - as their moms and dads, but they also face other problems. Some resent the extra demands placed on them at an early age by the affected sibling, and many feel neglected by their often overburdened parents.
Some kids say they fear "catching" their sibling's disorder. Others may wish that they, too, had a disorder so that they could get all the attention their sibling does. And many suffer embarrassment about their sibling's inappropriate behavior or abnormal appearance, and then feel guilty about it.
On the other hand, some siblings welcome the early maturity and responsibility that come with having an Aspergers or high-functioning autistic (HFA) sibling. They are often well versed in the details of their sibling's behavioral traits and quirks, and they take pride in being able to explain them in sophisticated ways.
So, exactly how will your other children be affected by your "special needs" child?
That depends on how you, the parent, deal with this challenge. Your neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) kids will take their cues from you and your husband/wife. The attitudes and actions you model will be reflected in them. They will not only project the values about their Aspergers or HFA sibling's differences within the family, they will demonstrate these beliefs in school, the community, and the world at large.
Thus, parents need to work toward setting a positive tone when first presenting their youngster's disorder to his siblings. It not only influences the quality of your immediate family relationships, but it also affects the ways in which all your kids perceive all people with differences for the rest of their lives.
When you introduce the topic of autism spectrum disorders to your neurotypical kids, consider these points:
1. Allow for process time and questions.
2. Begin by highlighting the ways in which individuals are more alike than different.
3. Decide if it's best to share the information with each sibling in privacy or if it should be done with the family as a group.
4. Discuss the gifts and talents of your other kids first and then discuss those of your Aspie.
5. Discuss the ways in which the entire family is going to strive toward being more sensitive to the needs of your HFA child — needs previously unacknowledged or unrecognized.
6. Don't play the pity card — you want your children to be children and to maintain their typical relationships as siblings, not walk on eggshells.
7. Don't put unfair or unrealistic expectations on your neurotypical kids about increased responsibilities or the burden of future care-taking.
8. Emphasize autism spectrum disorders as a natural experience, and dispel fears about it being a contagious disease or something that can suddenly happen to just anyone.
9. Partner with your "special needs" child about the issue of disclosure to agree on how much or how little to reveal.
10. Talk about respecting your autistic youngster’s ownership of confidentiality, discretion, and disclosure.
11. Wherever possible, try to engage all your kids in any activities that can include them all. Are there games and routines that your entire family can engage in? This will work toward family bonding, patience and tolerance – and it will make learning fun for your Asperger's or HFA youngster.
12. The more you treat your child’s way of being as “natural” and “no big deal,” the more his neurotypical siblings will automatically pitch in, help out, and pick up the slack without thinking or complaining beyond typical sibling rivalry.
There will be occasions when your neurotypical kids require some strong parental support when they are unable to manage internal and/or external pressures.
Some pitfalls to be mindful of in observing your neurotypical children may include coping with:
Becoming weary and worn out from constantly defending their Aspergers or HFA sibling
Being ostracized by their friends who don't want to hang around them or come over to your house because of the affected child
Feeling guilty when they want to go places and do things alone
Feeling perpetually pressured to “parent” or protect their Aspergers or HFA brother/sister
Feeling pressured by peers to reject their Aspergers or HFA brother/sister
Mental health issues due to the stress associated with having a "special needs" sibling, especially in older daughters who may develop depression or an eating disorder
Perceived embarrassment caused by their Aspergers or HFA sibling's behavior, especially in public
If you recognize problems in any of these areas, it will be important to have a private "family meeting" with your neurotypical kids to offer your love, praise and reassurances. Are there ways that you can compensate in partnership with them, especially if they've been feeling left out?
Be willing to admit it's true if you have unintentionally been neglectful, and plan some quality time with your them apart from the rest of the family.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
