Transitioning to Adulthood: Help for Older Teens with Aspergers and HFA

The greatest challenge you will face as a mother or father of an Aspergers or high functioning autistic (HFA) child is supporting him or her through the transition to adulthood. As protective (or over-protective) as you may be, at some point you will be ready for your teenager to leave home to venture out on his own into the adult world.

Of course your relationship with your adult child will continue long after he or she leaves the nest, and your loving support can help with “grown-up” responsibilities.

Is your 18 or 19-year-old teenager ready for adulthood? Answer yes or no to the following questions:

1. Can your adolescent drive?
2. Can your adolescent make meals and snacks for himself?
3. Do you get frustrated with your adolescent's inability to complete projects?
4. Do you give your adolescent opportunities to make his own decisions?
5. Do you give your adolescent positive feedback?
6. Do you listen to your adolescent's problems, make suggestions and then allow him to choose how to proceed?
7. Do you still pick up after your adolescent when he leaves things around the house?
8. Does your adolescent clean her bedroom?
9. Does your adolescent complain when her friends are busy, therefore “there’s nothing to do”?
10. Does your adolescent do a weekly chore regularly without more than one reminder?
11. Does your adolescent do her laundry?
12. Does your adolescent handle stress well?
13. Does your adolescent handle your direction without back-talk or sulking?
14. Does your adolescent have a checking account that he handles on his own?
15. Does your adolescent have a healthy hygiene routine?
16. Does your adolescent have a job outside of your home?
17. Does your adolescent know how to make money-saving goals and then achieve them?
18. Has your adolescent ever taken a CPR or First Aid class?
19. Has your adolescent used any of the community's resources?
20. If your adolescent is facing a problem with a teacher, do you allow her to fix it?
21. Is your adolescent able to ask other people questions without being too shy?
22. Is your adolescent able to make her own appointments?
23. Is your adolescent able to plan a trip successfully?
24. Is your adolescent able to plan out her week effectively?
25. Is your adolescent comfortable doing things on his own?

If you answered “no” to three of the questions above – it should be a red flag that “life skills” are lacking. If you answered “no” to five or more – then your child may not be ready for adult responsibilities yet.

If your parenting goes as planned, your young adult will - at some point - leave home and live independently. Life skills will help your older adolescent to be independent and live on his own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and her parents. But it isn't easy. Older teenagers with Aspergers and HFA often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed “out in the real world.”

You can help your teenager be independent by encouraging good habits and helping him learn the life skills it takes to be independent.

Below are 15 life skills your teenager will need to learn in order to be successful at living independently the first time she is on her own:

1. Ability to Find Housing

2. Finding and Keeping a Job— In order to live independently, your adolescent will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily.

3. General Housekeeping Skills

4. Goal Setting— Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your adolescent will need to be a happy and successful adult.

5. Health and Hygiene Skills— In order for your adolescent to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your adolescent's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.

6. Interpersonal Skills

7. Money Skills

8. Personal Safety Skills

9. Stress Management Skills

10. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness— Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for adolescents because every adolescent I've ever known has needed it. Adolescents who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.

11. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies

12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community

13. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food

14. Time Management Skills

15. Transportation Skills— One life skill that adolescents need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B.

Does your "special needs" adolescent need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your adolescent may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For example, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your adolescent each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own.

Other points to consider:

When your teen behaves badly, you may become angry or upset with him, but these feelings are different from not loving your teen. Older teens need grown-ups who are there for them. They need people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time with them and show a genuine interest in them. This is how they learn to care for and love others as an adult.

Older teens need support as they struggle with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents and families. They need praise when they've done their best. They need encouragement to develop interests and personal characteristics.

Adolescence is a time for exploring many areas and doing new things. Your youngster’s interests will change, in academics and recreation. He may experiment with different forms of art, learn about different cultures and careers and take part in community or religious activities. Within your means, you can open doors for your youngster. You can introduce him to new people and to new worlds. In doing so, you may renew in yourself long-ignored interests and talents, which also can set a good example for your youngster.

Older teens need parents or other adults who consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and appropriate for age and development. Limits keep all kids, including adolescents, physically and emotionally safe.

It is tempting to label all young teens as difficult and rebellious. But adolescents vary as much as kids in any other age group. Your youngster needs to be treated with respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate her differences and to treat her as an individual. Respect also requires you to show compassion by trying to see things from your youngster's point of view and to consider her needs and feelings. By treating your young adolescent with respect, you help her to take pleasure in good behavior.

Older teens need strong role models. Follow the values that you hope your youngster will develop. Your actions speak louder than words. If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with kindness and respect, your youngster probably will too. As teens explore possibilities of who they may become, they look to their parents, peers, celebrities and others.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Helping Older Aspergers and HFA Teens Find Work

RE: "How can I get my 19-year-old Aspergers son to stop playing video games long enough to go find a job? I try to tell him that he needs to be working at least part-time at this age – but he’s not interested. (*sigh*)"

Click here for the answer ...

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Aspergers and the "Approach Personality" Type

In a previous post (click here), we looked at Aspergers (high functioning autism) and the "avoidant personality." In this post, we will discuss the somewhat opposite personality type: the "approach personality."

This type usual occurs in the "Aspie" who also has ADHD, although this is not always the case.

The two primary characteristics of the “approach personality” are (a) excessive talking about one’s special (or obsessive) interest, and (b) significant violations of other’s personal space.

Excessive Talking About Special Interests—

Excessive talking in the Aspie can present a number of problems. No one particularly likes to be referred to as a "motor-mouth," but they can be exactly that. While some people have much to say of value, excessive talkers usually do not. They talk either because they can't help it due to “mind-blindness” (i.e., they are unaware that the listener is both bored and annoyed with the one-sided conversation), or because they simply love to tell others about their favorite hobby/activity out of a huge sense of passion about that particular hobby/activity.

Aspies who talk excessively can sometimes get along well with one another, probably because neither is paying much attention to what the other is saying. For those with normal speaking habits however, excessive talking often borders on being socially unacceptable. We are brought up to be attentive to what others are saying, to speak mainly when spoken to, while at the same time hoping that when we do talk, we sound intelligent and say the right things in as few words as possible.

Excessive talking in the Aspie often translates into an inability to understand or follow instructions. The very act of learning can be seriously impeded, and the chattering Aspie may be unable to concentrate on those things where concentration is vital to success.

Those Aspies who persist in excessive talking about their obsessive interest are more apt to be victims of another type of disorder, the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Not all of those with OCPD are excessive talkers – it is just one of the symptoms. You can usually spot those with OCPD, because they tend to be preoccupied with perfectionism and orderliness, pay excessive attention to detail, and are most comfortable in an environment where there are rules to follow, schedules to meet, and an organizational structure in which they know their place.

The drive for perfectionism often results in such individuals being unable to complete certain assigned tasks, or being unable to follow rules which don't conform to their own strict standards. Some OCPD Aspies are extremely introverted (living in their own carefully regulated and orderly world) while others can be quite extroverted (these are the attention seekers, the ones who violate your personal space, and who often over-dramatize any and every situation). It is from among this group that excessive talking is apt to be one of the more noticeable symptoms.

Tips for the excessive (obsessive) talker:

1. Appreciate what others have to say. Listening to other person’s viewpoint allows you to permit him or her to express an opinion.

2. Be a good listener. People like to be listened to.

3. Be more conscious of your behavior patterns. Acknowledge that you speak too much and behave accordingly.

4. Do not talk for the sake of talking. Restraint is good.

5. One can take up courses in being a good conversationalist.

6. Seek professional help if excessive talking is a compulsive behavior. Often people speak due to some psychological disorder or problem. A person with a nervous disposition will speak more.

7. One need not express everything on one’s mind. Certain things you must keep to yourself.

8. One should always have something important to contribute. Whatever you say should have an impact on others. They should want to listen to you. Conversation should be interesting.

9. One should avoid being pushy or aggressive while conversing. Try to convey things in fewer words. Be brief in what you say.

10. Think before you speak. It may be difficult if you are nervous. But it is better to be aware of what you are saying. You need not regret later.

11. Try not interrupting another person’s conversation as far as possible.

12. Try to allow the other person to say something. It may be difficult, but one needs to practice self-control. A good conversation is a two-way process. All of those taking part in the conversation have much to contribute. Each person must get a chance to say something.

Violating Personal Space—

Interpersonal space refers to the psychological "bubble" that exists psychologically when one person stands too close to another. There are four different zones of interpersonal space:

1. Intimate distance: ranges from touching to about 18 inches (46 cm) apart, reserve for lovers, children, close family members and friends, and pets.

2. Personal distance: begins about an arm's length away starting around 18 inches (46 cm) from the person and ending about 4 feet (122 cm) away. This space is used in conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and in group discussions.

3. Social distance: ranges from 4 to 8 feet (1.2 m - 2.4 m) away from the person and is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups, and new acquaintances.

4. Public distance: includes anything more than 8 feet (2.4 m) away, and is used for speeches, lectures, and theater. Public distance is essentially that range reserved for larger audiences.

Aspies with approach personality traits tend to be mostly in the “intimate distant” mode (i.e., they will stand within arm’s reach – even with strangers). It goes without saying that most people are taken aback by such behavior.

The absence of strong emotional responses to personal space violation is, again, the result of the Aspie’s “mind-blindness” (i.e., an inability to develop an awareness of what is in the mind of the other person). If you, as a neurotypical, did an experiment in which you purposely stood excessively close to a stranger to read his/her reaction, you would readily notice a pained expression on the other person’s face, sending you a very clear non-verbal message that he/she is alarmed. The mind-blind Aspie with approach personality traits does not receive this non-verbal cue – even though the cue was indeed sent.

Tips for the personal space violator:

1. Understand that (a) people have certain expectations about verbal and nonverbal communication behavior from other people, and (b) violations of these expectations cause arousal and distraction in them.

2. Only stand or sit within arm’s reach of close family members and romantic partners.

3. With your friends, stand or sit no closer than arm’s length.

4. With all others, stay at least 4 feet away.

5. Pay attention to the facial expressions of those you stand or sit close to. Are they grimacing, for example? If so, then you may be too close.

6. Pay attention to whether or not the other person moves away, creating addition distance between the two of you. Does he/she seem to be taking steps backwards during the conversation? If so, you may be too close.

7. If you are uncertain, ask the other person “Am I violating your personal space?” Most people will respect that question and answer honestly.

Some of the behaviors exhibited in the “approach personality” have a good side to them when these behaviors can be correctly channeled. There are many activities in which paying greater than normal attention to detail can be a definite plus, and those with a short attention span often find a place in activities demanding creativity and thinking outside the box.

As far as excessive talking is concerned, it is best that it be treated with counseling (usually in the form of “social skills training”), although there are occasional openings for stand up comics and radio talk show hosts. As far as personal space violations are concerned, it is best to reserve close proximity for those who enjoy being close to you (e.g., your mother, girlfriend, cat, etc.).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Aspergers and the "Avoidant Personality" Type

Children, teens and adults with Aspergers (high functioning autism) vary in personality types. One type of personality is called “avoidant.” Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. This type of "Aspie" is often described as being extremely shy, inhibited in new situations, and fearful of disapproval and social rejection. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of an Aspie’s overall character and a central theme in how he relates to others.

Avoidant Personality in Aspergers Adults: Case Study—

A 30-year-old computer programmer with Aspergers presents for treatment at the urging of his new girlfriend whom he met online. He describes himself as being painfully shy since childhood. There is no history of language delay, odd interests, or unawareness of social cues. On the contrary, he tends to over-interpret cues, believing that he is being negatively viewed by others. He has always had difficulty forming close friendships – not because of a lack of desire – but because of an intense fear of rejection and disapproval. He endured adolescence with difficulty as his self-esteem dropped. In college, he became absorbed in his studies and avoided most social encounters because they were so difficult for him. After graduation, he looked for work that would minimize social interaction and opportunities to be judged by others. He did manage to meet his current girlfriend through a social networking website, but she complains that he does not relate to her in an intimate manner.

Aspies with avoidant personality tend to do some of the following:

• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Avoids social situations to a degree that limits activities or disrupts life
• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

The following situations are often stressful for Aspies with avoidant personality:

• Attending parties or other social gatherings

• Being called on in class

• Being teased or criticized

• Being the center of attention

• Being watched while doing something

• Eating or drinking in public

• Going on a date

• Making phone calls

• Making small talk

• Meeting new people

• Performing on stage

• Public speaking

• Speaking up in a meeting

• Taking exams

• Talking with “important” people or authority figures

• Using public bathrooms

Emotional symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
• Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
• Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
• Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
• Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation

Physical symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Feeling dizzy or faint

• Racing heart or tightness in chest

• Red face, or blushing

• Shortness of breath

• Sweating or hot flashes

• Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)

• Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)

For Aspies with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders, particularly major depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders, is extremely important. Because “social anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial.

Help for Aspies with Avoidant Personality—

1. Avoid or limit caffeine. Coffee, tea, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, and chocolate act as stimulants that increase anxiety symptoms.

2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

3. Drink only in moderation. You may be tempted to drink before a party or other social situation in order to calm your nerves, but alcohol actually increases your anxiety in the long run.

4. Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.

5. Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.

6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.

7. Quit smoking. Nicotine is a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

8. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.

9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.

10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.

The opposite of the "avoidant personality" is the "approach personality," which is discussed in another post (click here).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Married to an Aspie: Advice for the Neurotypical Spouse

Many “neurotypical” spouses (i.e., the spouse without Aspergers) often feel overly responsible for their Aspergers partner; however, it is important to acknowledge that there is choice connected to that responsibility.

If you choose to take on responsibility for others, decide on how much and when you feel it is appropriate.

Tips for the neurotypical partner:

1. Acknowledging that your Aspergers spouse will “not get better” or be “transformed” into the person you thought he was can sometimes help with your tolerance level. Certain behavior can be modified or changed, which can make daily life less stressful for both you and your Aspie. For example, routines and agreed timetables can help, as can looking at how you talk and what language is used. With acceptance of the condition come a range of other issues, such as grief and the realization of what is not going to be. For some, there will be a feeling of disappointment, loss and unfulfilled potential. Talking to a counselor can really help. They can listen and empower you to explore the issues, emotions and choices.

2. Do not leave ambiguity in your statements, and do not assume your wishes or emotions are acknowledged and understood. For example, it may not be enough to remind your Aspie that you have family over for a meal. You may need to go through the evening in detail, explaining what you want him to do, and not do (e.g., greet everyone once, and don’t go to bed before the guests leave, etc.).

3. Know that you are not alone (although it may often feel as though this is the case). Professionals are getting better at recognizing the condition and developing appropriate service – although this will often seem too slow for many needing help now. Use what help is available through a partner support group and/or counseling.

4. Often times, neurotypical partners spend so much time looking after others that their own needs are not acknowledged by themselves or others. Decide what you want and how you can get it (e.g., where can you go for conversation, support, etc.). Take time out to pamper yourself – whatever helps to relieve your stress.

5. Try and see what structures may help and what may hinder. For example, it might be important to agree how meal times will be conducted (e.g., sitting down together at the table). To be rigid on all times (e.g., we will eat at 6pm) may be more difficult if you cannot always meet the schedule (e.g., dinner at 6.15pm may cause stress to both of you).

6. Aspergers is a complex condition, and it is important that your source of moral support is informed and understanding of these complexities. The benefit in talking to someone who understands many facets of Aspergers should not be under-estimated.

7. Ending the relationship is certainly an option. It is important to get legal advice so that you understand the financial and practical implications of separation. Advice from a legal professional is exactly that – it does not mean you have to leave; it can just help eliminate the unknown. Counseling can be helpful in making the right decision about whether or not to file for divorce.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Helping Your Aspergers Child to Make Friends: 10 Tips for Parents

Always an eccentric youngster, your child has now been diagnosed with Aspergers (or high functioning autism). The social world of kids is chaotic enough these days, but a child on the spectrum is particularly challenged. Nonetheless, with the parent’s help, an "Aspie" can find - and keep - friends. Here’s how:

1. Align your own expectations with reality. Know that the Aspergers youngster will probably not be popular, but can be happy and fulfilled with just one or two good friends.

2. Encourage your youngster to notice when other children are interested in him, because he may not pick up on attention. Impress upon him that it's important to remember classmate's names and use them in conversation.

3. Find a therapist who specializes in, or at least understands, children with Aspergers. Your child will have issues around being "different" that he must discuss with someone, preferably a qualified professional. He may need further help in setting social goals.

4. Know that Aspergers is defined as a pervasive developmental disorder on the autism spectrum characterized by a discrepancy between intellectual and social abilities.

5. Know that your Aspergers youngster may appear to be indifferent to his lack of friends. Many of these children care deeply, but have simply given up on having a social life.

6. Limit solo activities such as video games, but know that too much social time can be overwhelming.

7. Locate Social Skills groups in your area. They usually consist of three or more children of the same age who meet once a week to interact socially under the guidance of a therapist. The goal is to take their new skills into the broader world.

8. Support your child in setting up social activities. She may be uncomfortable asking someone to just "hang out," so a movie and ice cream may be more desirable.

9. Understand that those who have Aspergers have difficulty understanding social cues, although they are often academically advanced.

10. Urge him to join school clubs. Many Aspergers children have very specific interests and can parlay their skills in this area into a social activity.

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

“Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group”

Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group is a Facebook community page designed for individuals with Autism, Aspergers, ADHD, PDDs, and other neurological differences. We provide a discussion forum where members communicate with each other, a sister website with exclusive articles and how-to guides, and a chatroom for real-time communication with other Aspergers/HFA adults.

Go to Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group

Comment: 

I met Jeremy two years ago and recognized Aspberger's almost immediately. We had this great connection, though. We became good friends and my feelings developed from there. He told me repeatedly for a year and a half that he didn't want to be anything more than my friend, but I remained in his life because we had fun together and I believed his friendship was genuine. I also believed that nothing more than friendship would develop, particularly knowing his limitations, and although it was difficult, I wanted to keep him in my life. In February, we took a last minute trip to Nashville to see a hockey game. That night, he told me that he loved me and our relationship turned from friendship to intimate. Since then, I've received so many mixed messages about what he wants that I don't know what to believe. Shortly after our trip to Nashville, he told me that he didn't want an exclusive relationship, yet that's exactly what we built. We were inseparable in February, March, and, in April, we took a 5 day vacation together. On the vacation, he told me that we were together and he began talking about the future. Living together. Shared expenses. Shared life. He began telling people we're in a relationship. 

He's an extremely private person, so that announcement was monumental to me. He took me to see his family. In May, though, I had a lot of family gatherings. Knowing his social issues, I tried not to push him to go. I invited him to everything, but didn't tell him he had to go. He was angry that I wanted to spend that much time with my family. He didn't understand why I wanted to do that. And he declined all of my invitations. And he was angry and unforgiving that I was not available to him. He also stopped being intimate with me in any way. I would try to initiate intimacy, not even necessarily sex, but just closeness, touching, etc., and he would flinch and move away from me. It's like he flipped switch and the loving, affectionate man that I glimpsed from February to April shut off. Everything came to a head over the last few days. He went out last Friday with the guys, something I encourage him to to, and he got another girl's phone number. On Saturday, he told me he got that. He wanted to be totally honest. I felt like he was punishing me for the time I spend with my family. We didn't argue then, we had a dinner with some friends to attend, but we did argue on Monday night. He wanted me to stay at his house on Monday night, but he didn't want intimacy, he just wanted my presence. He wanted me to sleep in the recliner next to his sofa, where he likes to sleep. I told him that wasn't comfortable and invited him to sleep in his bed with me and he declined. That lead to a conversation about intimacy, about how I feel and about what I want from our relationship. He was clearly overwhelmed and told me to stop talking and I left. 

 On Tuesday, he cancelled all of our plans for that evening. On Wednesday, he cancelled the rest of our plans for the week. I went to his house last night to pick up some baseball tickets and some of my other things and we talked a little. He told me that he is angry and that he doesn't want to see me for awhile. He feels like I have lied to him and manipulated him for the last two years, dragging him into a relationship that he never wanted. He thinks I try to annoy him and make him angry. I just don't know what to do. When it's just him and me, and we don't try to define relationships or deal with feelings, we enjoy eachother so much. But I am ready to have a partner, and maybe a family, and I don't know that I can keep dealing with him flipping the switch and turning me off. I am simply at a loss. I am sure this is more than you expected to get when you offered your help, but I could use any advice that anyone wants to give. My close friends and family have told me to give him some space and see what happens. I'm doing my best to do that. I have my own issues with rejection and this whole thing is devastating to me.