Are Aspergers and HFA Children Too Smart For Their Own Good?

One parent's search for answers to a particularly distressing school situation led her to characterize the plight of her 9-year-old Aspergers son like this: "The good news is he's bright, and the bad news is he's bright!"

This revealing description makes a sadly accurate statement about an educational system that not only fails to understand the Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) youngster – it also fails to recognize that such understanding is in fact necessary if positive change is to occur. An analysis of what this parent meant by her statement gives one a window on the sometimes bizarre world of the disorder.

In most disorders, a descriptor like "high functioning" is an excellent indicator of potential success – thus, the good news. How then can intelligence be considered bad news? The answer to this question lies in the paradoxical nature of the disorder itself.

Kids on the autism spectrum are cognitively intact (i.e., they possess normal, if not above-average intelligence). This creates an expectation for success. Furthermore, the pursuit of their restricted range of interests and activities often results in (a) the amassing of impressive facts, and (b) an expertise beyond their years. This is a potential problem!

Given their enormous strengths and the expectations that they generate – and given the fact that intelligence is a highly-prized trait in our culture – the intellectual prowess in Aspergers and HFA children virtually eclipses the social-emotional deficits that are at the heart of the unusual behavior associated with the disorder.

Unmindful of their neurologically-based weaknesses, parents and teachers get blinded by the strengths of these kids. This situation inevitably leads to a mind-set that can be summed up as follows: "If he is that smart, shouldn't he know better?" The answer to that question is a resounding "no." In fact, because of the social-emotional deficits, as well as the presence of symptoms unique to the disorder, these kids can't "know better" until they are “taught” to know and understand.

Consequently, in order to create a hospitable environment for kids with Aspergers and HFA in a world that is often inhospitable to their needs, it's vital that parents and teachers employ direct teaching strategies to address the following specific areas:

• Executive dysfunction (i.e., problems in organizational skills/planning) 
• Perspective-taking 
• Problem solving 
• Reading/language comprehension 
• Socio-communicative understanding and expression

Together, these target areas constitute a kind of “life-skills curriculum” for the more able youngster/student. Their inclusion in the youngster's Individualized Education Program (IEP)) can help to ensure that each of these important skill areas gets the attention it deserves. After all, life skills are far too important to be left to chance!

More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's Children

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's Teens

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's: How to Promote Self-Reliance 

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


Comments:

• Anonymous said...Thank You!! It's so nice to hear support like this. I'm a single mom of an 8-year old Asperger's Child (Boy) and I appreciate you recognizing the work mom's do!!

• Anonymous said...Great article, many thanks, so true.

• Anonymous said...One of the best bits of advice I ever got on parenting was this, "Love them, love them, love them!" I like to have a plan, I like things cut and dry, I like things structured - and was dismayed to discover how often these things did not fit into the real-life raising of a child with Asperger's where there is so much unknown and uncharted! After initial research and all the conflicting information out there, I decided to fully embrace that love advice - it was the one thing I could keep constant. No matter what kind of day we've had, not matter what the current issue is, my daughter ends each night with no doubt as to my complete love for her and accepting of her. I show my love to her by reading her wonderful stories and commenting on her amazing drawings, I show love to her by keeping my voice calm and gentle when reminding her three times of the one task I have asked her to do, I show love by not complaining about her need for the same sandwich at bedtime EVERY night and kissing her when I bring it to her, I show love to her by not allowing her to self-absorb in an electronic game by setting the timer for her to alert her to the time, etc. And I tell her a million times a day that I love her, that I am proud of her, I tell her when she has expressed her feelings really well, I thank her for joining into the conversation and tell her what I liked about her comments. All these things add up to success, because if my child is filled up with love and acceptance - she will have what she needs to work hard and succeed in anything.

• Anonymous said...Thanks for the words of encouragement! Parenting is a challenging job in itself--but adding a disability of any kind intensifies the job! My 14 year old son with Aspergers is amazing in so many ways--but I'm exhausted keeping ahead of him to ensure he'll succeed. I also have two other sons, and their needs are important, too. Reading this today brought tears to my eyes as I don't often look at it that way--often I feel like I can't keep up. My husband also has Aspergers, and he does what he can. Thanks again!

• Anonymous said...It is so nice to have 'someone' say you are doing okay!!

• Anonymous said...Being a single mum of a highly intelligent 13 year old son with Asperger's and his 11 year old brother is completely exhausting and my confidence continually fluctuates between 'soaring' and plunging to the deepest depths! Not to be helped by a recent 'ex' (that I suspect may have attributes himself) who continually criticizes and does nothing!

• Anonymous said...I completely empathize with all the other mothers out there, and know that the ONLY thing that pulls us through is our love for our children.

• Anonymous said...I am continually in awe and love the exceptional young person that my son is, and am certain he will impact on the world in such a wonderful way as an adult!

• Anonymous said...Yes, Love is so needed by our kids. I have a 13 yr old son with aspergers, although he does not ever want to hear anything is wrong with him. It's everybody else who has the problem. He is constantly baffled why he he constantly gets yelled at by his teachers, has no friends and gets picked on. He never wants to be corrected or given help, he will just yell "I'm perfect, I'm a good boy, why does everyone hate me??" It breaks my heart in pieces. He is so logical and he will not refrain from challenging his teachers and it makes them crazy. Everytime I bring up taking him to see someone for help, he goes ballistic. If we do go, he sits there and refuses to talk. I just don't know what to do anymore. any tips for a frustrated mom?

• Anonymous said...Hello there My name is Peter Caspian And My brother had have very very mild Aspergers and Aspergers Is not a bad thing or the end of the world Aspergers Is A gift a gift of Wonders of being smart/funny/creative/nice/ thats the stuff what aspergers mean but You need to Be nicer to them like treating them as if they were a king to you They can be sad sometimes or if there some thing wrong you cannot see it in them So ask He/she to come over for a cookie for a talk and ask what is wrong It is not their fault for aspergers dont be mean to them

• Anonymous said...Good article, i think the main problem is when people think of intelligence they only think of " mathematical intelligence" and don't understand there are different types of it like emotional intelligence etc. Having good grades or being good at math doesn't make you smart.

• Anonymous said..."'If he is that smart, shouldn't he know better?' The answer to that question is a resounding 'no'. In fact ... these kids cannot 'know better' until they are 'taught' to know and understand." That about sums up my life. ;)

• Anonymous said...I am 17 and have asperger's, my parents see so much in me, I know I'm intelligent, I want to get into college, but whenever I try to do classes like math I just shut down and retreat to my mind, a place where I can see any scenario as if it were happening before my eyes, this is something a lot of people mistake about me, people assume that I'm incapable of doing anything on my own, but I'm not, I run into problems and k get frustrated and block everything out before I can be taught, what I want people who read these to know is that, I do care about myself and I can do these things, but I choose not to a lot of the time because of how I feel when I have a hard time. People don't realize that I do things like spend time listening to Audio books never wanting to get up, or that I want to just use my computer once in up, that I won't take my earphone out when I'm talking to other people, most people don't realize these important factors, that's why so much of the population is convinced that autism and asperger's are the same thing that it's a spectrum, I don't believe in that, I have met two people with autism, one of them I was friends with for a while, there is a night and day difference between autism and asperger's, people always say there the same, but I you saw me, you wouldn't know I had asperger's unless I told you, cause it really only affects me in ways that I can see unless you have been with me for a very very long time.

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Aspergers Diagnosis: Should You Worry?

You may be involved with a rather baffling youngster or grown-up. You may have wondered if he or she has autism. The name “Aspergers” may have been mentioned. What is Aspergers?

Aspergers is named after an Austrian pediatrician, Hans Asperger (1906-1980). He identified a group of kids and grown-ups who had characteristic problems in the areas of social interaction and communication. He called them autistic, and emphasized their narrow special interests, good language and idiosyncratic learning styles: like a “little professor” or “a youngster just landed on earth”.

The term Aspergers has been adopted recently to cover those people who, although may have many of the same difficulties as other individuals with autism, are different in certain ways which make professionals unwilling to use the term “autistic”. In particular, the person may have great interest in others, and wish to be sociable, although finding such interaction very baffling. Contrary to the stereotype of the silent and withdrawn autistic youngster, the person with Aspergers may have very fluent language – may in fact tend to talk on and on regardless of the hearer’s interest.

Despite superficially good language, they still have problems with communication. They may be over-precise, over-literal and socially insensitive in their communication. Particularly noticeable is an odd quality to the voice or speech melody, which can be monotone, silted or singsong. Body language, posture and gait may also be strikingly odd. A good vocabulary and excellent rote memory often leads individuals to over-estimate the real level of understanding and intelligence. Sometimes a youngster with rather poor general understanding is thought to be a prodigy because of unusual memory skills (e.g. being able to hum Mozart arias at the age of two).

Diagnosis of Aspergers—

Criteria of Aspergers overlap greatly with that of autism: impairments in social interaction, in communication and imagination, presence of repetitive behavior, and imposition of routines. In addition, special interests (train timetables, astronomy, dates, collecting objects as well as facts) and clumsiness are considered particular features of Aspergers. People can be highly intelligent, while lacking in common sense. Their intellect may allow them to compensate for their handicaps, and obscure the real nature of their difficulties. The incidence of Aspergers is as yet unknown, but is estimated by some to be one in every 150 live births. Aspergers is much more common in males than in females.

What causes Aspergers?

Aspergers, like autism, has a biological basis in the brain. There may be a genetic component, and a genetic link to autism; autism and Aspergers occur in the same family more often than by chance alone. The area of the brain affected is not yet known.

Not simply eccentric—

Not everyone who has social difficulties, communication impairment, or a special interest has Aspergers. Individuals with Aspergers are different from normal eccentrics in that they have not chosen to be different. For instance, Aspergers people have almost insurmountable difficulties in understanding humor, and the intentions and attitudes of others. The difficulties a person with Aspergers experiences will usually impair the quality of their lives, in many different areas. The most notable, and painful, is the lack of friends, and difficulty in integrating in job or school, despite the desire to “fit in”. These problems are all of a different quality and magnitude from those experienced by individuals who are sensitive loners who may retreat into a rich inner world of fantasy.

Should you start to worry?

It would be quite wrong if, having read so far, you began to wonder whether every shy youngster or grown-up has Aspergers. The aim of this article is not to raise worries, but to give those readers who are already worried about their youngster’s long-standing social impairments a point of reference, and a source of further information. Most families affected by Aspergers have suspected something seriously amiss with their youngster from the earliest years.

What can be done?

Recognition and diagnosis is a vital step. This allows the individuals with Aspergers as well as the family, to stop blaming themselves. The social and communication problems must be recognized as real handicaps, and not as simply a lack of manners, willingness, or intelligence. Support and understanding are needed from those around. This is especially true during adolescence and adulthood, when the person with Aspergers may have some dawning awareness of his/her handicap, and become depressed.

Individuals with Aspergers do not out-grow their social naiveté and striking lack of “common sense”. Therefore, they are very vulnerable and liable to panic in apparently ordinary situations of change. Individuals with Aspergers lack empathy, which creates its own problems for caregivers. It is useful to remember that the person with Aspergers may be self-centered, but is not deliberately selfish. This distinction may be hard to make, and those around may instinctively feel that the Aspergers sufferer is being callous, unkind, or even cruel and calculating. In fact the root cause of such problem behavior is probably a fundamental lack of social understanding and insight.

Choice of educational provision is a major concern. Many such kids are in mainstream schools, where degree of success depends on considerable support. The needs and personality of the individual youngster and their family need to be considered, and is not fruitful to make general recommendations. A social skill curriculum is a necessary addition to the youngster’s education.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Aspergers and Marriage

Parents of kids with Aspergers (high functioning autism) often look into the future and wonder if their youngster will ever be able to marry. The answer is yes. A man or woman with Aspergers can develop personal relationships and become a life-long partner.

Marriage Partners and Aspergers—

A person with Aspergers will normally marry someone who does not have the condition. In spite of their difficulties with social skills and expressing emotion, an Aspergers spouse can be a good marriage partner. This is especially true if he or she is aware of their diagnosis and have worked on it with therapists. Their natural strengths serve to enhance the marriage and in some cases, this is enough to carry the relationship through difficult patches.

Potential Problems in Aspergers Marriages—

Courtship and the early days of marriage often go well and males with Aspergers often come across as the strong silent type. Problems may arise as time passes and weaknesses come to the surface. These include emotional immaturity, the inability to socialize and the inability or reluctance to show affection. The non-Aspergers partner ends up feeling lonely, neglected and affection-deprived. This is often hard for the Aspergers partner to grasp as he or she will express love more practically than physically.

An Aspergers adult is often attracted to a marriage partner who is the organized or mothering type. He or she recognizes that they need someone to watch out for them and keep them focused in the right direction. This can also lead to problems between couples.

Women in particular may attract predators and as their social skills are weak, they do not realize that the man is not good for them. They may marry and be subjected to a life of misery with an abusive man.

Strengths that Aspergers Adults Bring to Marriage—

Adults with Aspergers have many positive traits. They have strong moral values and will be faithful to a marriage partner. They are also honest, reliable, determined and kind. While their marriage may lack in hugs and affectionate words, the Aspergers spouse is in it for the long haul. This combined with marriage therapy is often the saving grace of the relationship.

Adults with Aspergers do marry and many of their marriages are long-lasting. While they have weaknesses, they also bring strengths to a relationship and with understanding and counseling, they often live long happy lives alongside their non- Aspergers spouse.

=>  Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

=> Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA

Aspergers and Self-Diagnosis

Aspergers was not officially added to the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) until 1994, with the release of the DSM-IV. Prior to the inclusion of Aspergers, the only autism spectrum diagnosis available to clinicians was autistic disorder.

This lack of diverse diagnostic criteria led to a generation of kids growing up with obviously Aspergers traits but no diagnosis. As the public began to learn more about the various autism spectrum disorders, many grown-ups with these unique qualities began to self-diagnose themselves with Aspergers.

Symptoms of Aspergers—

Autistic disorder, PDD-NOS, and Aspergers share similar diagnostic characteristics. According to WebMd, symptoms of Aspergers include social impairments, restricted interests, repetitive behaviors, and strict adherence to rituals and routines. However, people with Aspergers may not have experienced delays in language or cognitive development.

These symptoms may have left kids with labels like odd, quirky, or socially aloof. Once Aspergers was added to the DSM-IV as a separate pervasive development disorder, clinicians were able to apply a diagnostic label to these kids.

Weird Adults—

When information about Aspergers became more readily available, adults that were once considered quirky or that had received a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder may have been intrigued by the characteristics of people with Aspergers.

Reading through a list of the common traits of Asperger people, one may find himself nodding his head in agreement. To help in identifying the symptoms of Aspergers in oneself, several online tools were created.

The Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ Test)—

While there may be several online Aspergers tests available, the Autism Spectrum Quotient is one of the most well respected tools. Simon Baron-Cohen, a noted Cambridge psychologist and expert in the field of Aspergers, created the AQ Test. Baron-Cohen operates the Cambridge Lifespan Asperger Syndrome Service, which is dedicated to meeting the needs of grow-ups with Aspergers.

The AQ Test features 50 questions to help adults evaluate their own autistic traits. Questions on the test address a person’s social aptitude, repetitive behaviors, narrow interests, adherence to routines, and other traits common among adults with Aspergers. During the first trial period of the AQ Test, 80% of adults with an actual autism spectrum diagnosis recorded scores of 32 or higher.

While the AQ Test isn’t an actual diagnostic tool, many adults use this to help self-diagnose themselves with Aspergers. It is important to note that while the test may be helpful in identifying autistic traits, individuals that feel they may be on the autism spectrum should seek an evaluation by a professional experienced with adults with an autism spectrum disorder.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

My Son Was Recently Diagnosed With Aspergers – Now What?!

Even if moms and dads have recognized that their youngster has problems, a definite diagnosis of Aspergers brings intense emotion, sorrow and many questions. Aspergers is on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum, but still presents many problems in daily life.

Dealing with a Sense of Loss when Aspergers is Diagnosed—

All moms and dads have hopes and dreams for their kids and these begin to form before birth. When a diagnosis of Aspergers is presented, some or all of these aspirations are crushed. After grieving for the loss of dreams, it is important to replace them with new ones. These should be along the lines of helping the youngster fulfill his or her potential. There are many resources available for kids with Aspergers, and it is important to look into these and see what suits the youngster best. In spite of their difficulties, many Aspergers kids are very bright and excel in certain academic areas.

Balancing Family Life and Aspergers—

Kids with Aspergers often have siblings who are unaffected. When a diagnosis is confirmed, moms and dads may turn all their time and energy to helping the affected youngster. It is vital to maintain a balance and ensure that other kids are given undivided attention, and time and space to vent their own hurt and frustration at the diagnosis. As far as is possible and appropriate, include them in what is happening and encourage them to help the Aspergers sibling with practicing social skills, speech and interaction.

Don’t Cast Blame—

No one has positively identified a cause of Aspergers. It is unhelpful for moms and dads to dig into their backgrounds and blame some quirky relative for the diagnosis they have received. Casting blame will not change anything and is generally unjustified. It is far better to accept the diagnosis, work through the initial shock and determine to keep family life as normal as possible while helping the youngster with Aspergers to achieve his or her potential.

A diagnosis of Aspergers can be a hard blow to moms and dads. Dealing with the loss of hopes and dreams is a process, as is learning to balance normal family life with therapies and doctor visits. The important thing is to create new dreams and always look to the future with hope and expectancy.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Aspergers Children and Speech Problems

Approximately 50% of kids with Aspergers have delayed speech. While many kids grow out of this by age five, others go on to experience other language problems. These generally fall into one or more of the following three areas of linguistics:

1. Pragmatics and Aspergers—

Pragmatics refers to language usage and the way that context relates to meaning. Kids with Aspergers often have difficulty in holding a normal conversation where there is give and take and social interaction. While most people learn these skills by observing others, those with Aspergers may need personal coaching. Problems with pragmatics manifest in the following forms:

• does not allow the other person to talk

• does not use people’s names

• focuses exclusively on topics that interest them

• gives too much detailed information

• interrupting others

• lack of facial expression and eye contact

• lack of greeting

• oblivious to boredom in others

• oblivious to emotional reactions in others

2. Semantics and Aspergers—

Semantics is defined as the meaning or interpretation of a word, sentence, or other language form. While many people with Aspergers are extremely intelligent and avid readers, they often struggle in this particular area. They may have problems with the following:

• difficulty in understanding jokes

• difficulty in understanding metaphors and figures of speech

• interpreting everything literally

• pedantic speech

• problems with understanding teasing

• sarcasm is not understood

3. Prosody and Aspergers—

Prosody refers to the tonal and rhythmic aspects of speech. People and particularly kids with Aspergers often have a strange manner of speaking. It may come across with words enunciated precisely and formally and the speed, volume and rhythm may be odd. Problem areas to look out for include the following:

• difficulties in coordinating speaking and breathing

• little or no inflection

• monotonous sound

• stilted or formal speech

• strange rhythms of speech

• talking loudly

Help is Available for Linguistic Difficulties—

Aspergers kids and grown-ups with language problems can benefit from one-on-one training with a parent or speech therapist. The problems are often tackled individually and it takes perseverance and repetition to see lasting results. Methods vary but could include the following:

• practicing eye contact and body language

• practicing normal pronunciation and inflection

• teaching how to start a conversation

• training them not to interrupt

• use of pictures to explain figures of speech

It is never too late to seek help for speech difficulties and while a person may never sound completely normal or be able to hold a perfect conversation; there are definitely ways to work towards a great improvement. The key to success is often a commitment from a parent or family member to work with the youngster or grown-up for extended periods of time.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

"Letting Go" of Adult Children with Aspergers

There's always an explanation. A 23-year-old Aspergers college grad wants to hold out for the right job rather than jump into an underpaid makeshift position. Rents are so inflated. A 24-year-old Aspergers daughter moving out of her boyfriend's apartment couldn't possibly afford a place of her own. With two bedrooms to spare, parents can re-house her -- right?

Whatever the reason, young adults (even some without Aspergers) are returning home in increasing numbers—following graduation, the dissolution of a relationship or the loss of a job. They often live rent-free and subsidized, with no scheduled date for departure. But while much attention has been paid to live-at-home "adultescents," little has been said about their parents, many of whom are Baby Boomers who greet their boomerang children with open arms. For a variety of emotional and demographic reasons—their desire to be close with their children, a yearning for youth—many of today's parents (the original Peter Pan generation) just don't want their adult kids to grow up.

As parents, coming to terms with our adult kid's limitations also means facing our own...In midlife, a central aspect of parents' identity is how our kids have turned out; that is, what kind of adults they have become. The lives of grown kids constitute an important lens through which we judge ourselves and our accomplishments; it is through reconsidering their adult successes and failures that we seek, retroactively, to validate the kinds of parents we were and the responsible caring we provided.

What distinguishes baby-boom parents from those of earlier generations is how much importance we place on our kids' inner psychological qualities as well as their educational and occupational success, moral and ethical values, and satisfaction in their relationships.

A recent study that examined how we evaluate our adult kid's achievements and adjustment - and how those assessments affect how we feel about ourselves - indicated that wanting our kids to be personally fulfilled is a goal unique to our generation. Having gone to sometimes extraordinary lengths to ensure it, it's no surprise that our kids grow up expecting us to provide it and give up the responsibility for finding it themselves, in the places that truly adult people discover it; in the satisfactions of work, love, connection, commitment, self-sufficiency and achievement. We cannot make our grown kids happy: As long as we expect that we can, they will, too. And we will both be disappointed.

It may be very difficult to move away from a job that wasn't done perfectly, especially parenting, but parenting skills were never designed to work for grown kids. We need to define the limits of our relationships with them and our involvement in their problems, since those are the only limits we can set now. We need to find ways to stay in meaningful contact with them while we work through our own midlife tasks of coming to terms with our gains and losses, reconsolidating our identity, and reclaiming our lives now that we have reached the limits of our parental role.

What is called the "post-parental imperative" demands that we make sense of who and what matters when we return to the self we put aside to raise our kids. Because we've done that -- whether we think we flunked or passed parenting, it's over. We won't get another chance at it, which is the good as well as the bad news. Our job now is to come to terms with the choices we've made in our own lives, abandon some dreams and commit to fulfilling others, allow the silenced voices inside us to be heard, and make the most of the time that's left. We can do that - we must do that - regardless of whether our kids ever achieve what we still believe is their golden, unlimited potential. But that will only be possible if we start concentrating on our own lives while we're waiting for them to get lives of their own.

Moms and dads used to let go when their kids reached age 18. The idea was, “If you can go to jail, I'm no longer responsible for you.” But that changed during the 1990s, when Baby Boomers' kids turned 18 and devoted parents realized that they had poured their emotional and financial resources into their kids from the get-go. Hyper-investment is hard to turn off.

Some argue that perma-parenting stems from the indulgence of an immature and spoiled generation. Others blame the phenomenon on the heavy hand of social and economic forces. And our very definition of adulthood is in flux—with a homestead no longer a key component of adult identity.

But a rising chorus of psychologists and sociologists says parents simply aren't letting go when they ought to—not only impeding their kid's adult independence but also hampering their own post-parenting lives. In the absence of an acute crisis or devastating financial setback, the consensus is that moms and dads should look twice at the reasons they continue to shelter their grown offspring. If parents can get over the idea that they're not being 'parent enough' or that their children still 'need' them, then they can get on with their new lives.

Letting Go Of Your Adult Aspergers Child—

1. Chain her in her room so she cannot leave. Alright, you can’t do that. Instead be grateful that you have raised an independent child who is ready to take life’s next step.

2. Have a ‘set down’ with him before he leaves. Use this time to discuss finances and checkbooks. Explain carefully about the Devil called CREDIT CARD and how it sneaks up on college students and steals their souls. Ok, it is not that serious, but…! Tell him about some of your experiences—good and bad—when you were first on your own. In that way you can answer some questions before he ever has to ask them.

3. Move into the dorm with him. Well, now, wouldn’t that be a sight? Mamma’s boy has to have mommy live in the dorm with him. Besides, I am not sure, but I think there are rules against that kind of thing. And it makes you look like your family tree has no branches on it.

4. Plan a day for just the two of you to spend together. Take off work and just play. It may require some planning ahead. Just remember if you plan to hike on an unmaintained trail in the mountains, take extra food and water, a flashlight with extra batteries, a GPS, a satellite phone, and a book on how to send smoke signals.

5. Write a letter to your youngster for her to read once she gets to school, basic training, or wherever she is off to. Use the time to tell her how proud you are of her and list the reasons why you know she will be successful. Emphasize the wonderful qualities she possesses so she can go back and re-read them later when she is feeling down. Stress the fact that you are a phone call or an email away and that you will come running if she ever needs you.

6. Be brave on the big day. Try not to cry and cling to him and say things like “I’m losing my baby” through hysterical tears. It really embarrassed one of my kids.

7. Go home and get a life! For so many years, this youngster has been the center of your universe. Now there is a huge hole in that life and you need to fill it up as quickly as possible. Take up a hobby, join a club, do volunteer work or run for President. Do anything that focuses on you and the future instead of the void in your soul.

8. Remember that she is not gone forever. You will again hear the phone ringing incessantly and doors banging. But from now on, whether you admit or not, it is something of a relief when the house gets quiet again and you can look forward to the next visit.

9. Remember, they are not so sad. Don’t expect them to cry. Instead you may hear things like, “Well, Mom, I think we are set here. You should get on the road.” In their minds, they are rubbing their hands together with a sinister laugh thinking, “Oh boy, I am free from the mother bonds now. I can do anything I want to do.” It is okay—think back to how you felt. Just try not to remember those things you did you never wanted your mother or father to find out about. I am a big believer in the fact that I don’t need to know everything!

10. The only thing worse than letting go of your youngster is never getting her out of the house. When you are sad, just picture a 35 year old playing video games yelling to you for more ice cream or chips while you are doing her laundry and cleaning her room because she is still not doing it.

11. You and your youngster are moving into a new relationship that is great! When you can stop being just a parent and move into the friendship stage of your relationship, your world becomes complete. You can be each other’s confidantes and buddies. It is the best! You are no longer responsible for anything where this soul is concerned. You can just love him. You can feel pride from watching him making a difference in the world, just like he always made a difference in yours. Look forward to that companionship!

The combination of high rents and an unstable job market, increased college attendance and delayed marriage and parenting conspire to inch the age of perceived adulthood upward. According to a study by the National Opinion Research Center, most Americans don't consider a person an adult until age 26, or until she or he has finished school, landed a full-time job, and begun to raise a family. Living independently from one's parents is expected by an average age of 21, yet living on one's own is considered less of a determining factor in reaching adulthood (only 29 percent say it's an "extremely important" step) than completing an education (73 percent) and supporting a family (60 percent).

Shifting parental attitudes toward boomerang children have much to do with generational differences, the result of each generation correcting and overcorrecting the excesses of the previous one. The wave that preceded the Boomers, the Swing, or Silent, generation (born during the Depression and World War II, 1930-1945) and their kids, Generation X (born 1965-1978), were brought up during eras of economic recession, reduced birthrates and familial instability, when raising children was not a societal focal point. Moms and dads of Boomers were eager for their children to grow up and leave the household so that they could be free to pursue their own lives. Boomeranging home was a mark of failure for both kids and parents.

In contrast, the Baby Boomers themselves (born between 1946 and 1964) and their Echo Boomer offspring (1979 and 1994) have had the happy fortune to be born during periods of prosperity and family growth that place an emphasis on parenthood.

All this attention, it turns out, has been directed toward raising well-adjusted and well-rounded children, and guiding those self-same children into fulfilled adulthood, creating patterns along the way. Previous generations emphasized education and financial independence over all else for their kids. In contrast, Boomers are the first generation for whom their kid's emotional fulfillment is a primary goal. Their parental mantra has been, 'Be happy or I'll kill you.' In an effort to gratify their children, Boomers have become unusually invested in their lives—determined to have an authentic, intimate relationship with their kids.

To achieve this level of chumminess, moms and dads have often acted less like stern grownups and more like their children' peers, joining the youth culture wholeheartedly at the mall, even purchasing the same teen-oriented clothes for themselves. This closeness continues and strengthens as Echo Boomers reach early adulthood. The generation gap used to be a significant barrier between parents and adult children. But today's fifty-something parent and twenty-something youngster have a lot of the same values and desires.

Today's twenty-somethings and their moms and dads communicate better and are closer. Indeed, in a survey of 1,003 high school students, a whopping 78 percent said that "having close family relationships" ranked highest (above money and fame, among other things) in defining success. But closeness also creates problems. It becomes hard for these parents to say, 'I'm the leader in this family and it's time for you to go'. We've gotten too friendly with our children.

Studies suggest that grown children' well-being is a major determinant of well-being for midlife parents. But over-identification with adult kids means moms and dads can lose perspective on what's best for one or both parties. You see your children' successes and failures as your own and thus try to immunize your youngster against failure. With such a high level of emotional and financial investment, many parents see the status of their adult kids as a final parental exam. And moms and dads don't want a bad grade—either for themselves or for their children.

Not surprisingly, parental involvement in children' lives has pushed its way onto campuses, where "helicopter parents" hover, trying to help their children through college financially, emotionally and even academically. Moms and dads have been known to intervene in roommate disputes following an emotional e-mail plea from a youngster, or call a professor to question a grade. In response, universities are scheduling special parent orientation events, hiring parental "liaisons" to handle questions and demands, and firing off terse-but-diplomatic guidelines.

Many Boomers don't seem to be trying all that hard to empty the nest. Boomerang children are staying at home so they can save money to rent or buy a place of their own instead of living with roommates. Often, they're spending lots of money on clothes and cars and vacations in the process. Unless we put our foot down, why should they move out?

But it's not just privileged white children hanging out at home. Working-class twenty-somethings have long boomeranged following high school or vocational training because entry-level wages make independent living a financial challenge. Still, lower income Americans today are even less able to be independent than just a decade ago. Furthermore, America's growing diversity means more adult kids at home come from immigrant and ethnic communities in which living at home during one's twenties is normative and even favorable. A national survey of Latinos found that 78 percent agreed "it is better for kids to live in their parents' home until they get married."

Perhaps expectations are higher as well. Many experts say today's twenty-somethings don't want to downscale by sharing a walk-up with three roommates when their middle class parents have a house where they can crash. Boomers don't want their children to rough it either. Emotional and financial dependence is a two-way street. This generation has taken it upon themselves to make their grown children happy. We've abrogated our responsibility to insist they make a life for themselves. Instead we're providing it for them. Often, if moms and dads don't house their grown children, those with extra cash will help an adult child purchase a home.

Perma-parents suffer potential financial and emotional repercussions. The empty-nest years are a crucial time for adults to bone up for retirement, rather than pay off their youngster's credit cards or feed another mouth. Keeping the children also prevents couples from reconfiguring their lives in a post-parenting marriage, when, historically, many marriages break up. When marriages do end in divorce, or when one spouse dies, moms and dads may be especially inclined to reconnect with their adult children.

The empty nest is doubly empty when you don't share it with a partner. Nevertheless, for women who find themselves widowed or divorced in their 50s or 60s, being too involved in adult kids's lives can be a big mistake. They have decades ahead and need to find a way to approach their lives as individuals.

Married or not, adults who re-feather the nest past its prime postpone their own personal development. During the late 1990s, a spate of books with titles like Give Them Wings or As You Leave Home: Parting Thoughts from a Loving Parent appeared to address the challenge of accepting kid's adulthood. But despite the temptations—pleas for help from adult kids, the desire to pitch in financially, the urge not to let go—experts agree that having children at home is generally a bad idea.

Unless the youngster is suffering from a crisis, adult kids belong on their own; empty nest parents have their own lives to attend to. Boomeranging home may not be such a bad idea for twenty-somethings, but it may not be best for parents. Moms and dads like being in a position to help their children, and they like the fact that they get along well enough to live together. But parents are usually ready by then to move on with their own lives.

Indeed, many psychologists believe the post-parenting period is one in which people have the opportunity to reconfigure their identities—to relocate, downshift or change a career, become more involved in the community, take continuing education courses or learn new creative skills. Carl Jung in particular emphasized the importance of this last stage of development. Having an adult child lurking around the house and feeding off the parental nest egg robs moms and dads of some of this latitude. These parents end up impeding their own transition into a new period of adulthood. It's a flight from life. Perma-parents, perhaps it's time to grow up!

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