My 21 year old son is very fidgety, interrupts while I'm speaking with him and has basically lost all his friends over the years. He gets mad about things (like why we circumcised him when he was a baby) that normally would not bother anyone. If something goes wrong in his life (which seems to be a daily occurrence), it is someone's fault. He went from being a popular child to being a loner. I had him move in with his dad because he kept starting fights with his younger brother - obsessing that his younger brother was gay and that he would beat the crap out of him if he found that out. It just seems he is getting worse now. Years ago I had taken him for counseling and they said he was depressed and was very "sensitive" to what was going on. However, this sensitivity has gotten into the danger point where you never know what might set him off. Since he is 21 it is next to impossible to get him to see anyone (no insurance) but he has admitted to my mother that he needs help. He just explodes sometimes and then will apologize after the fact but the explosions are getting more and more. Is he emotionally unstable?
Answer
You are referring to anger-control problems and low-frustration tolerance – also called “meltdowns.” These meltdowns are especially common in Aspergers (high functioning autism) children and teens (or in your case, a young adult-child). Some families have learned how to prescribe behavior to prevent meltdowns:
Look directly at your child who is about to have a major meltdown.
Give your child permission to have a major meltdown. For example say, "Jon, I know you usually have a meltdown when this happens and I want you to know that it is ok for you to do that now."
Prescribe the behaviors that your child usually does in this situation when agitated. You'll continue talking after telling your child it is ok to have a meltdown and list what the child normally does. "Jon, when you are feeling this way, you usually start swearing, kicking, screaming, and blowing snot – so go ahead and get started."
Let your child think about what you said. If your child is truly oppositional, then he will refuse to do what you prescribed. If your child does it, that's ok, you gave permission. Eventually, doing this will help your child learn self-control.
Do you have an Aspergers child who doesn't do well with transitions? Does he have a meltdown at the slightest provocation or change in schedule? Does he kick, punch, destroy property, swear, and runaway when upset?
Do you have tips for toilet training a young child with Asperger’s?
Answer
Toilet training your child with Asperger’s will most likely be difficult for you as a parent. If you have potty trained an older child, you will find this experience likely to be very different. Methods that work with some children are typically based on a child’s desire to please the parent and often based on a reward system. Many parents have relied heavily on ‘the M&M method’ or the ‘shoot the Cheerios in the bowl’ trick. These are not typically effective with children with Asperger’s, as children with Asperger’s don’t tend to have the same desire to please and have a more difficult time changing behaviors.
With children with Asperger’s, it can be effective to try to change only one behavior at a time. Concentrate on teaching a child to either pee or poop in the potty, not both at the same time. Watch your child to see if you see signs that your child is aware of needing to use the toilet. If he is aware of his need, it is time to start training.
Many parents find Social Stories helpful during potty training. These are short, pictorial guides designed to storyboard the potty process. Talking through these with your child can help familiarize him with the process of using the toilet. These stories should contain information about feeling the need to use the potty through flushing the toilet and washing your hands. You will need to repeat these Social Stories often, and understand that the potty training process take some time.
Establish a routine around using the potty for your child. This will help the child with Asperger’s feel more comfortable with the toilet training process. Look to see if your child has any fears about using the potty that need to be addressed. Look to see if your child has a degree of comfort and ability in manipulating his own clothing. Can he pull down his own pants? Can he work the button or snap on his pants? If he is comfortable with these things, use them in helping him establish his potty routine.
Maria Wheeler has created a good book on toilet training called, “Toilet Training for Individuals with Autism & Related Disorders.” This comprehensive toilet training guide contains two hundred toilet training tips and over forty case studies with solutions. Reading this book will give you not only helpful tips, but also some real life examples of how those tips worked for people.
It is quite likely that kids with Aspergers will start gym classes just as any other normal kid would, that is with enthusiasm and expectations, but it is important to be careful while mixing gym class and Aspergers together in order to ensure that the experience does not become an uncomfortable one for the youngster with Aspergers.
The problems that an Aspergers youngster may have in gym classes may be related to a number of problems that they face due to their unfortunate disorder, like impaired motor skills which make it difficult for them to take quick instructions or make quick movements and thereby to play baseball, soccer or any other physically demanding sports. A gymnasium can be loud and the confusing commotion created there in combination with the players and students yelling and the coach blowing in his whistle can be devastating for certain Aspergers youngster as they are sometimes super-sensitive to noise.
Another problem faced by the Aspergers youngster is the fact that he must change among his peers, and since these special kids are not apt at changing clothes without some assistance, it could mean social embarrassment. Rude behaviors with peers and educators in gym classes by these kids are often common as well because they are often maladapted to deal with social situations.
The most dangerous part of gym classes and Aspergers kids is the fact that they are often adept at withstanding amazing amounts of pain, which, though sounds like a good thing, can put the youngster in danger because he may hide injuries he received due to some contact sports. These are some of the most common problems that are to be noted by educators and moms and dads alike in order to assure the youngster’s well being and adaptability in gym classes.
It is very important to note that it is essential to understand the problems of the particular youngster with Aspergers first before taking any steps to help them as problems differ from individual to individual, therefore, subject educators, moms and dads, gym educators and special educators must cooperate in order to create the right gym environment for these kids. Peers who are willing and kind enough to help these kids out in their day to day gym activities should be assigned to each of them and gym educators must take caution, not to surprise the Aspergers youngster with any sudden change in the routine as they follow routines and instructions by the book.
Sometimes, when the degree of the Aspergers disorder is more than average, educators may be required to use flash cards, pictures or even posters as visual cues due to their inability to interpret verbal instructions properly. Demonstrations are often extremely helpful for Aspergers kids, especially if it is done before the general students tries to do the activity.
An assigned aide can do a lot of benefit to the kids with Aspergers as they can remove a youngster from a gym session if he becomes particularly stressed out or may be due to the youngster’s inability to handle the excess noise in the gym. A properly written, general weekly schedule can help the Aspergers youngster to be clear from confusions. Finally, a physical education teacher or any teacher for instance should understand that although an Aspergers youngster will most probably be bright in some aspects, but some, he will have difficulty in handling with efficiency; for such cases a possible alternative should be offered to the student.
Kindness and willingness to help from educators, moms and dads and friends can make gym class and Aspergers go together very nicely, in fact under the right conditions, the Aspergers youngster can even excel in gym classes.
Bipolar Disorder’s Mixed State and Aspergers is often confused, but they are not one and the same. Certain features may coincide, but the two disorders can usually be differentiated on the ground that Aspergers kids are not interested in their friendship with peers, but children with bipolar disorder show interest in peer activities (although their aggressive impulses often render it useless).
Bipolar disorder is a comorbid condition found rarely in Aspergers, but when it is found, it makes the clinical condition of the child even more complicated. The Mixed Stage is the most dangerous and difficult stage of the bipolar disorder, and in combination with Aspergers, it becomes even more dangerous. It is not necessary that all children with Aspergers will also develop the bipolar mixed disorder, and neither is it vice versa, but it is present sometimes.
Bipolar Disorder, which may or may not co-exist with Aspergers, has the following symptoms and features:
• A condition which combines both mania and depression together to make the person feel tired, lethargic and anxious at the same time is called the Mixed State. Suicidal tendencies are the biggest danger involved with the individuals suffering from the Mixed State stage of the bipolar disorder, because the frustration and depression does not take away the energy necessary to commit suicide.
• Academic performance is seriously hampered by memory loss that might be caused due to a long term of untreated bipolar disorder. One may actually lose brain matter if the disorder is not met with proper treatment in time. Impulsive behavior and STM (short term memory) loss are the most common effects seen, for example, recollection of names and faces can be difficult.
• An advanced state of bipolar disorder causes insomnia or sleeplessness. A person suffering from bipolar disorder related insomnia may stay up for many a nights leading to poor performance in everything, and if stretched for a very long period, even psychosis.
• If someone reaches the extreme stage of mania, that is psychosis, he would require immediate hospitalization, especially if they are suffering from bipolar disorder as well, because their thoughts become both blurred and lunatic causing them to attempt suicide. The persons are often totally oblivious to their location and surroundings.
Following a routine to control your sleeping habits can be a step towards improvement. Also try out exercises you find appropriate for you, and do not under-eat or over-eat. Managing work if you are suffering from bipolar disorder can be hard, but taking breaks and keeping to regular hours can be really helpful. Try to avoid doing big jobs at once, rather set small tasks in front of you in order to reach your ultimate goal of finishing the big work. This helps in bringing the stress down and a sense of completion comes over you.
Individuals with bipolar disorder suffer from extremes of both happiness and depression. In order to control these, healthy lifestyle, proper medication and therapy from an experienced therapist can control the dangerous and hazardous problems that bipolar disorder gives rise to, therefore it is important to treat it early and properly.
My 9 year old daughter cries all the time. When I tell her about something she has done wrong or try and correct something... she starts crying – even when she spills a drink or something on herself. I never shout or even tell her off... I think she would faint if I did!! She must have uncontrolled emotions or something, not being able to deal with them properly perhaps.
Answer
Can there be too much crying? Should we be concerned at some point when school-aged children cry? I think yes.
Often Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) children feel criticized by their parents who tell them that they shouldn't cry. Hurt, they may cry more when told to stop crying. That's why I think we should downplay the message, "Don't cry," and play up the message, "Let's think of better ways you could handle this situation without crying." This approach makes us allies, trying to help our children grow up.
Another key for parents is not to reinforce excessive crying behavior. For example, Michael cries when he is frustrated. Rather than assisting him in response to tears, the parents could say: "We'll be glad to help you when you pull yourself together and ask for help in a big boy voice." The message should be, "It's not a good idea to cry about small things. Use your strength. We want to help you be strong."
Children on the autism spectrum often keep crying as long as it seems to work for them. When it doesn't, they eventually quit. If they are upset about something, we want them to learn to handle their feelings in more powerful ways.
One factor that generally triggers Aspergers and HFA children to stop crying is social pressure. If older children cry often in front of peers, they generally will be ridiculed. Parents can point this out while they teach their children other, more powerful responses to difficult situations.
Kids on the autism spectrum do indeed have problems with low-frustration tolerance, and they are very sensitive to changes in routine as well as certain environmental stimuli. As parents, we want to treasure our child's sensitivity. But, we also want to teach both boys and girls to tolerate some feelings without crying and to express certain emotions in more mature ways.
I have a 14 year old daughter who was diagnosed with Aspergers. She is currently attending a special needs school. Her main interest is to play games on the computer. She will get onto one of the Internet Multi Player Games and will not want to get off. We have implemented a timer program which only gives her a finite time that she can use the computer before it tells her that the time is up. Once the time is up she then asks us for more time. If we do not give her more time, she blows up into a fit of rage and may throw things or break things or physically bang her head into objects. We worry about our safety and hers when she does not get what she wants. How should we as parents react to this??
Answer
The short answer is download the My Aspergers Child eBook, because all the help you'll need in dealing with your daughter's rage will be addressed there.
The long answer is as follows...
Here are some symptoms or signs of video game addiction as well as computer game addiction to help determine if your Aspergers kids are addicted to computer games:
Choosing the computer or playing video games rather than spending time with friends or family
Difficulty keeping up with personal responsibilities due to increased hours playing computer games
Dropping out of activities such as social groups, clubs or sports
Fatigue; tendency to fall asleep in school
Irritable, cranky or agitated (withdrawal symptoms) when not playing a video game or on the computer
Lying about computer or video game use so computer or video game privileges aren’t taken away
Lying to others about computer or video game use
Most of their “free time” (non-school hours) are spent on the computer or playing video games
Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing computer games
Not keeping up with homework assignments/not turning in homework on time
Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
Worsening grades
Here is a self-test the Aspergers child can take to determine the level of game addiction:
Do you become so involved in playing computer games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing computer games?
Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing computer games?
Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep?
Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web?
Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing computer games rather than spending time with them?
Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
Have you ever said you were sick in order to stay home from school to play your favorite game?
While not spending time on the internet or playing computer games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed?
If you are truly convinced that your Aspergers (high functioning autism) teens or kids are addicted to video games or computer games, it’s your job as the parent to get your kids off the computer and off the video game console, providing them ample opportunity for active play and natural exercise in and outside of the home.
Make no mistake, video game addiction is a real addiction and if you are a mom or dad that is concerned about your home-grown video game addict, it’s up to you to parent your kids and closely monitor and limit their gaming activities. Massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPG’s) are designed to be addictive.
Video game makers and marketers are counting on people to become addicted to the games! It’s a lot of money in their pockets, and a lot of money out of your pockets. Let your kids whine, cry and complain all they want about placing restrictions and limits on their game use, but be the parent.
One of the effects of kids addicted to computer games is the increase in childhood obesity amongst young kids and teens due to excessive amounts of time spent leading a more sedentary lifestyle (and poor eating habits), amongst other physical, emotional and mental problems associated with too much time being spent playing computer games.
Be the parent of your kids, not their friend. If the video game problem in your home is so bad that you feel your Aspergers youngster is a “video game addict”, or if your kids spend too much time watching television, shut it down and get your kids involved in other activities that encourage and promote active play and that provides more than finger and thumb exercises from video game controls.
Again, if your Aspergers child flips into a rage when computer privileges are withdrawn, then use the disciplinary strategies outlined in My Aspergers Child eBook.
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... Waiting to see the answers. I have the same issue. Except I home school and she won't do her school work. I have tried every approach and nothing is working. She is lost in video games. • Anonymous said... Be consistent! Stick to the plan. Hang on for dear life! • Anonymous said... Give her time warnings to transition. 15 min, 10 min warnings help prepare them. • Anonymous said... My son is not phased at all . Take 1 thing away like video games he just find something else and so it continues • Anonymous said... Password the computer so she can't go on. • Anonymous said... Prepare to have the computer smashed and other items. • Anonymous said... Unfortunately I think a lot of teenaged aspies only get to feel comfortable and popular in their online world doing something that they're usually brilliant at like gaming. I have the same problem here and have yet to work out a solution either • Anonymous said... We give our sons plenty of warning but we have had this in the past where everything gets smashed up. • Anonymous said... You may be up against the inevitable unfortunately. Some Aspies are fixated with their computers (my son also). I once worried about this also but in my experience taking it away only compounds the situation. • Anonymous said… Be consistent with her; when her time is up - her time up. It's probably a bit harder for you as she's a teenager and hormonal. Does she know when the time is going to go off? Can she see it counting down? Maybe if she had prior warning to just bam time's up, that it, that may (or may not) help her transition between playing and having to stop? Just a thought...you know your daughter best • Anonymous said… I know this is hard and she is older. We are very stricken with our aspergers child. When he throws a tantrum we send him to his room he can break whatever he wants then it's gone. We also will ground him. If he is throwing a fit over computer time we'll now you have lost it for 24 hours. They do aventually get it. We first started with a warning as time got close to ending g. Gave him consequences if he looses his temper. If he did he was sent to his room and losses the computer for 24 hours. You have to be firm even if it kills you inside • Anonymous said… We have an app on my phone called OurPact which cuts out the iPad at set times - regardless of what my daughter is doing. I also use a lock out on the computer so that at certain times she can access it and at other times she is locked out. I found it was the only safe way to regulate her use • Anonymous said… We make our son do activities to earn computer/ game time. Every minute he is outside, spending time with the family or anything non computer, he earns equal minutes on the computer. It has been working very well. Also we give warnings as well that his time is coming to an end. When tried the limits on the computer it was set to a specific time and the little booger found out how to change time zones so he could score more time. Hope this helps in some small way. * Anonymous said... My son is very attached to his computer time to. Putting limits on him was very difficult as he is intelligent and computer savvy enough to get around any security we put in place. I went so far at one point to un plug the modem and take it with me when I left the house so Internet wasn't possible. His response was to throw our computer hard drive off the balcony. Needless to say there were some consequences. The advice of our behavioral consultant has been to stop focusing on how much time he's spending on the computer and instead focus on making sure he's doing the things he needs to do. He has daily and weekly health, social and education goals with motivation rewards. After that he can game all he wants.
"Any tips for dealing with a 14 y.o. autistic child [high functioning] who gets frustrated over almost anything that doesn't go the way he thinks it should?! NO Patience Whatsoever!!!"
Many children, teens, and even adults with Asperger's [AS] and High Functioning Autism [HFA] are known to have a low tolerance for frustrating experiences that result in either meltdowns or shutdowns. This post is dedicated to them...
We all know what frustration is, and we've all felt it, whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Frustration is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
The Nature of Frustration—
Frustration is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get frustrated, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and nor-adrenaline.
Frustration can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be frustrated at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your frustration could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger feelings of frustration.
The instinctive, natural way to express frustration is to respond aggressively. Frustration is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of frustration, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our frustration can take us.
Children and adults use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their feelings of frustration. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your feelings of frustration in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express frustration. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Frustration can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your frustration, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your frustration and convert it into more constructive behavior. The frustration in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your frustration can turn inward—on yourself. Frustration turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed frustration can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of frustration, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. Children and adults who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their frustration. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
Frustration Management—
The goal of frustration management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that frustration causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Some children and adults really are more "hot-headed" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their frustration in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered children and adults don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
Children and adults who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things… One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be socio-cultural. Frustration is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express frustration. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, children and adults who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Strategies to Keep Frustration at Bay:
Relaxation—
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down feelings of frustration. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps to try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry children and adults tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can become exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your frustration is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything; that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats frustration, because frustration, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel frustration getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry children and adults demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes frustration.
As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry children and adults need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not frustration. Some angry children and adults use this frustration as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving—
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all frustration is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication—
Angry children and adults tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions. And some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the frustration. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your frustration—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor—
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirt-bag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry children and adults is "things should go my way!" Angry children and adults tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy frustration expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Frustration is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment—
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself:
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "Well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Assertiveness Training—
It's true that angry children and adults need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at children and adults who don't feel enough frustration. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate frustration—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you frustration; and sometimes it will be justifiable frustration. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even less happy in the long run.
Anonymous said... I love your articles. Little everyday reminders of how to help and work with my son that doesn't require me to sit down and read a whole book. Not a lot of time for stuff like that these days.
Anonymous said... My husband and I are the parents of 12 year old twins. One of our sons, Thomas, has Aspergers. (He also has ADHD). Writing is very challenging for him and his chief method of coping with the negative emotions he feels when asked to work on a writing assignment in 6th grade is avoidance. As an accomodation to reduce explosive meltdowns, Thomas is allowed to call his own time outs. He is good at anticipating a meltdown and has not had any big ones since we began using this self-management technique, but now that it is two weeks from the end of the school year with some big writing projects left to do, he says he is feeling "stressed out" and takes so many time outs that he isn't completing his school work. I think he truly is feeling stressed, but I would like him to develop more tolerance for the negative feelings he gets when faced with something that challenges him (whether the academic challenge or writing, or the social challenge of ignoring perceived joking and teasing.) The school staff work with him one-on-one as much as they can, to work through his frustrations over writing, but there are other children who need one-on-one attention too, and so Thomas ends up during some course blocks doing none or very little school work. How can I help the school transition Thomas away from the avoidance technique of "time outs," and towards the goal of sticking with his frustrating assignments and working through the negative feelings? The school wants to avoid melt-downs, almost at all costs, because these are so disruptive to other students and even destructive (Thomas had to earn back the cost of repairing a wall when he slammed a door knob through a wall, and, in a separate incident a week later, he paid to replace a door that cracked when he slammed it shut during a meltdown.) How can we and the school help Thomas develop more tolerance for the painful emotions he feels when he is faced with challenging situations?
Julianna76 said... My son was diagnosed at age 15. He is 31 yrs old now and has 2 college degrees in the engineering field and no one will hire him. That is frustrating. My son while growing up never had meltdowns or tantrums. Instead he shut down. Middle school of course was a nightmare. I asked him if the kids teased him or bullied him and said "yeah". When I asked how he felt about it he said, "Mom, they don't feed me, clothe me or shelter me. They are nothing to me, so why should I care what they think about me. I choose to ignore them." I see sadness in his eyes sometimes because he worked very hard to get those degrees, and to the parent who said he was worried about his son's handwriting..."don't sweat it". My son is 31 and I still can't read his handwriting. I see the sadness when he gets a phone call or an email stating he didn't get the job. Voc Rehab follows up and it seems employers don't like candidates who don't look them in the eye and talk about their hobbies or their families or what they did last weekend. My son says, "That is irrelevant. I am here to discuss my qualifications for the job not my hobbies or family." He is very matter of fact and despises small talk for the sake of conversation. I will tell you all now, you think you are having a hard time now,....just wait until all those "programs" dry up in the wind the moment your Aspie child graduates from college. Oh and forget disability. My son tried twice...turned down. The state of NC says he's not blind and can walk, so therefore he is not disabled. So he lives at home, AAS and BS degrees on the wall, may have well just framed a piece of toilet paper for what's worth. Just 25K in students loans to pay back.
