"My 6-year-old son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 5. But now we are seeing signs that he may have 'high functioning' autism. What percentage of ADHD children also have autism? Is a dual diagnosis common?"
CLICK HERE for the answer...
High-Functioning Autism plus Oppositional Defiant Disorder: The Greatest Parenting Challenge
For moms and dads of kids with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), coping with violent and aggressive behavior is perhaps the most difficult challenge. Aggressive behavior in the HFA youngster occurs for a reason, just as it would with any other youngster. No kid ever just "acts out" for no apparent reason. The key is in the words "apparent reason" – there is ALWAYS a reason, but the major challenge for the parent is figuring out what that reason is.
Inappropriate behavior, whether mild or severe, generally occurs in order to:
- Avoid something (e.g., the youngster may become aggressive and shout before getting on the school bus because he wants to avoid going to school)
- Because of pain (e.g., the youngster may show a range of challenging behaviors to his mom or dad because he is in physical pain, such as having headache)
- Fulfill a sensory need (e.g., the youngster may lash out or shout in the classroom if it is too noisy, busy, bright, hot or smelly)
- Get something (e.g., he may lash out at another youngster because he wants to get the toy that the other child is playing with)
Thus, the first step in reducing or eliminating this behavior is to determine the need that it fulfills by looking at the four categories above.
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
The second step is to teach your child a replacement behavior, which he can use to communicate what he wants or doesn't want. It may even involve using some of his obsessive or self-stimulating behaviors (e.g., hand-flapping, rocking, pacing, etc.) as a replacement behavior. This is far less intrusive to others than aggressive behaviors, but still serves the same purpose.
You can also encourage your son to express his feelings or negotiate verbally. Alternatively, he can communicate through other methods such as emotion cards, drawings, using symbols, or "talking" through a puppet. You know your youngster best, so you need to experiment and see what works best.
This process takes time and initially, depending on the behavior, you may not have time. If the behavior is severe, then you need to immediately remove your son from whatever situation he is in at the time. Simply insisting that he stop the behavior and participate in whatever is occurring will not work unless you remove him from the situation first.
Also, maintaining your son's routine will go a long way towards reducing the need for inappropriate or aggressive behavior in the first place. Routine is a great source of stability and comfort for kids on the autism spectrum.
In summary, try to identify the real cause of the behavior, and teach your son to communicate the real cause of the behavior to you in a less harmful manner. A good therapist can be a big help to you here. So don’t be afraid to ask for help with this issue.
==> For parents who are struggling with their defiant teenager's behavior, here are a bunch of suggestions to implement - immediately!
==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
PARENTS' COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said…At 12, our son was as the 14 y.o. described in the initial question. We sought professional help and ended up hospitalizing him. Meds did help him with the anxiety and depression, and to control his outbursts, but he needed to be in the hospital where they could observe him first hand while determining the effects of the meds. You must take the steps to get control in order to proceed to the part where you teach him the social and other skills he is lacking. And through it all, firmness with empathy and love. When a horse refuses to go into a barn, you don't punish him. You look in the barn to see if there's a snake. These children really do feel distressed; they're usually not being manipulative. There's a balance of how to meet their needs without letting them run the show, and most of us just aren't magically going to get there.
• Anonymous said…I know how you feel, we had a living hell for 13 years with our daughter, with no family to help, no respite and no support, finally someone listened and noticed it was more than naughtiness and now she's diagnosed with aspergers & medicated. She still has her moments, but she's a more like a normal kid now. It's definitely saved our family and given her a chance of a decent life. :)
• Anonymous said…I think my stepson has ODD, he hasn't been able to go to school since he was 11 as he is unable to sit still, concentrate, and always gets soooo angry when he is unable to do something or feels intimidated.
• Anonymous said…Im going through the same things!!! My family cant even stand to be around him, they want me to give him to the state!! his special EI based school doesnt want him either, they often threaten to have him taken away by the police...lots of notes sent home..every day, he cant handle school, he cant handle a daycare..where does he go??? How do I get back to work..im on a family leave, i have 2more wks left....michigan has very little resources....anyone?? any suggestions Im so running out of time....
• Anonymous said…My heart goes out to these moms. Our family is in the same boat. We have a 15 yr old son. Very aggressive and easily angered. I love a lot of the information here and give kudos to your site but I thought this reply was a little lacking in actual help. Identification and replacing the behavior is a little simplistic for the situations. At 14 yrs of age these teens are not necessarily youngsters who can be easily removed from the situation or able to easily apply a change to the way they respond. Although the article did identify that it would take time there is a huge gap in how to do that. It just seems to lead to more frustration and the Mom's left feeling more alone and defeated. I was hoping to find a second page with the deeper answer. It reminds me of sitting in an IEP meeting during his 6th grade and the solution they wrote down for my son was "He will work on doing better to get into less fights with his classmates and he will work on finishing his homework." That was it... just a feeling of "do better" with no achievable action plan.
• Anonymous said…My son also was diagnosed with ODD along with ADHD, anxiety disorder, AS and more. We put him on risperdal and the ODD practically disappeared-it was quite miraculous!! I think that his anxiety was overwhelming, causing the ODD.
• Anonymous said…My son has a diagnosis of Asd, ADHD and possible ODD, he is also being tested now for premature puberty-he's eight. We feel lost, and feel there is no where to turn, we home educate him as he can't cope at school. You are not alone. Xxxxxx
• Anonymous said…my son has adhd ,ODD and aspergers and we use ritalin,and risperdal the risperdal was my saviour he now sleeps like a baby and i have seen a huge difference in him the school says he chooses his behaviour and its non of the above but now the teach has implemented a eeward system for each 40 min session in the day we seeing huge improvement …its taken me 4 yrs to find what works but there is hope
• Anonymous said…my son has adhd odd ocd tics and sensory issues very difficult.
• Anonymous said…My son has also been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes it even more difficult.
• Anonymous said…My son has AS and intermittent explosive disorder. Tantrums started around 3 and quickly turned into rages. Preschool made him worse. By the time he was diagnosed in Kindergarten we were at our wits end. We had tried parenting like we had with our other children but it wasn't working with him. With the diagnosis came a lot of info. Had to completely change the way we dealt with him. Wasn't popular among some family members, but slowly became better. Spent 3 yrs at spec ed school. Takes Tenex, (blood pressure med) that helps tremendously with rages. We were fortunate to have wonderful teachers and admins that bent over backwards to help him. Now at 11, he isn't perfect, but is actually enjoyable to be around most of the time. There are many situations that he just can't handle right now, and we don't force him. Life isn't perfect, but Hope is alive. Number one suggestion is to learn to remain calm in all situations, and don't react confrontationally. Learn to pick battles, and overlook lesser infractions to concentrate on the most important ones. Don't get into power struggles, you will never win. Small settings with as little stress as possible, makes for a more pleasant Aspie. Good luck and hang in there.
• Anonymous said…My son has same diagnosis.
• Anonymous said…Oppositional Defiant Disorder is very hard to deal with. At home, there are some days when everything seems to be a fight. At school, notes come home that my son is refusing to do work, not following directions, and sometimes yelling at and threatening adults. Sometimes it just makes me want to cry.
• Anonymous said…Same problem with my 10 year old. About to lose my job sigh.
• Anonymous said…There is help, you just have to find the right professionals willing to help and not give up with "sorry, there's just nothing we can do to help." Our 11 year old was diagnosed with ODD 3 years ago on top of the AS diagnosis he had received at 4 years. It's taken a lot of time and work, and some medication, to get to where we are, but he is doing very well. Tantrums are less frequent and severe (less, not gone!), he has friends, he's more manageable... ABA has been huge!!! And smaller school environment has also helped. In just a paragraph, I may have made it sound easy or simplistic. Believe me, it hasn't been, but there is definate progress and lots of hope.
• Anonymous said…There is help. My youngest has adhd and odd. Are you in the uk? If you are send me a friend req and ill help you out
• Anonymous said…These two go hand in hand every time.
• Anonymous said... And very important to take time for you. It can be very difficult to do that with responsibilities such as you have but if you go down who's going to keep the steering the ship?
• Anonymous said... behaviour modification training works with ODD behaviours. you need to over structure their lives from what they eat to what they wear., give them NO choices at all to begin with and then allow them a choice between two options once you get 100% compliance. Choices are the reward for compliance and appropriate behaviours. It was hell but I had to do that with with my child. it is easier when they are younger. ODD is behavioural and only behaviour therapy works long term for it! As for books of how to do Behaviour Modification training, go online or to your library, it is extreme parenting for the extreme child. the pay offs are huge and the alternate is a wrecked home and life for you and your child. Medications do help but the child needs to learn to comply and to control their actions. It is not easy but either we teach them or the prison system will and that is heart breaking and sad. The truth is there is very little help and support out there. Keep up your best efforts and do not be hard on yourself. At 14 he can work to help himself!
• Anonymous said... Early, early, early diagnosis is key...so treatment can be started when they are open to it, and continue consistently over the years. Only then can we get somewhere. The preteen years are too late... My daughter was dx at 11. By then, hormones exacerbate all of it and it's much harder to help them get control.
• Anonymous said... Get you a counselor to help you cope and him a cognitive behavior therapist my son is the same way I know how hard it is but don't be ashamed to get help I did and Im not as stressed as before. I still get frustrated alot and theres alot of arguments with my son but you have to learn to choose your battles read Tony Atwoods guide to asbergers syndrome it will help with ideas as well
• Anonymous said... Hi im in the very same way as you my 14 year old son asbergers left home on tuesday to live with his dad he does not like to follow rules
• Anonymous said... I'm sorry it's so so hard. It is unbelievably stressful and emotionally draining. I often find myself saying and doing mean things and I'm a Social Worker who knows a lot about communication Ect. I feel for you. I'm not sure where you live but in most areas there will be a practitioner who can either help support you or work with your lad. We have thought we might separate our family to try to minimise conflict in the future. I feel for you and know how helpless things can feel. Take care.
• Anonymous said... My son (15) has Aspergers and ADHD and also has treatment for depression. He was diagnosed aged 12 and it took my breakdown and his feelings for ending it all to get him diagnosed. We have ritalin (40mg daily) and prozit (2.5ml daily) and agree it took him to want to accept his Asperger's and ADHD. 2 years ago we would have been happy with Ds at GCSE. With help from school, us and CAMHS we are hoping for Bs, Cs and maybe even one A. It is a difficult journey but with age can come maturity and although we are not out of the woods yet we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are definitely not on your own here. I remember the days of the smashed tv all to well. Chin up xx
• Anonymous said... My son also had odd with aspergers and ADHD. We medicate the ADHD but only for school. At home, he gets therapy frequently to help him learn how to use words rather than rage and to manage himself. It's a long road. I would keep a journal and document the meltdowns to try to get to the bottom of the causes and then you may be able to come up with idea for avoiding them. The therapist might be able to help you with this too. Sometimes they just can't find the words and it's worth talking about it after the fact when all the drama is over to try to find out. Explore sensory input. For example my son will meltdown if he has to wear buttons. He cannot tolerate the way they feel on his skin. For the longest time, he would freak out and I couldn't figure why until I asked him one day out of the blue. Avoidance is key. Message therapy might also help. Experiment and try stuff. Hang in ther. Try to get out and have some fun of your own when things get to be too much.
• Anonymous said... My son also has aspergers and adhd ,what u have just wrote is my daily life ,my home is destroyed ,nd getting no help with the educational aspect ,he is in main stream school ,nd is excluded presently twice a week ,I can't get a statement for some reason ,my sons education is at reception class standard ,and he is 12 years old ,I can really empathise with what u are going through ,I am a single mum ov 6 teenage kids ,so very hard to show the rest any attention x
• Anonymous said... My son has the same diagnosis with Bipolar just added during his last inpatient stay. My ex husband and I both have dealt with destroyed homes, frequent suspensions from school, attacks on us and teachers. His 1st inpatient stay was a year in a facility specifically designed for kids on the spectrum. They adjusted medications and got him under control. Upon return to school, his behaviors began to escalate and it wasn't long before he was back in the hospital. At 10 yrs now, he has 5 hospital stays behind him, we've moved to a new school, finally got a great teacher that loves him no matter what and is working with us. His medication coupled with weekly individual and family counseling is working and we have had no meltdowns in 3 weeks. Progress is slow, but we are grateful. Hang in there, you are not alone
• Anonymous said... My son is 15 and has been on medication since he was five. It has changed over the years, but the neurologist told us in second grade to treat the anxiety first then the other issues. Aspergers children suffer from the unpredictable and lack of structure. Once we got the anxiety under control we treated for ADD. Then at 14 he had some severe paranoia, stopped taking meds and punched a hole in the wall. He spent a week in care and was not allowed to leave until he was cooperative. He now takes a third medication for mood stability. It has been a difficult journey and there is no help out there. His counselor cancelled sessions because he has no psychiatric goals...I was floored. People question why we have issues in society...our mental health needs to be progressive for all of our kids. I am a teacher and there are so many kids affected! You're not alone!!!!
• Anonymous said... My son just got back into our home from residential placement. He was there inpatient for 11 months. He originally at age 3 was diagnosed ADHD, once put inpatient at age 12 that diagnosis was changed to Aspergers along with Depression, ODD, RAD, it has been a very rough roller coaster ride. His bad behaviors out weigh his good. We have many services in place for him, but HE has to be willing to change his ways. We have 6 months set up for him. If he returns to his old self, self destruction, suicide, he will then be placed into a group home. All of you going through things like this or more. Realize you are NOT ALONE !!!!!
• Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with ADHD-hyperactive impulsive type with with signs of depression and anxiety along with ODD at the age of 6. His treatment is Vyvanse 30mg every day and he is supposed to go to counseling. We also work very closely with the principal, school psychologist, school counselor, and his teacher. We also take him to see our doctor every 6 months.We noticed signs when he was about 3 or so. We had him tested at 4 but the psychologist we took him to at that time couldn't make the diagnoses stating we would have to wait till he was school age. Prek and kindergarten was not pleasant. We are in a different school district fr when he was in kindergarten. He has been doing GREAT in first grade and second grade.
• Anonymous said... There is medication to lessen irritability and aggression, also repetitive behaviors. Abilify. My almost 13 yr old daughter has been taking it for about a year, and from the beginning it helped (it does take about 3 weeks to get into the system).
• Anonymous said... This is my family too. You are not alone. I had to move out with my 14 year old so everyone else could be happy and safe
• Anonymous said... We use a great lady therapist , been through many of them she teaches social thinking skills, plus other techniques. He has changed so much. We also use a program that is part of a wrap around service child guidance resource center. They work at home , school and out in the community
• Anonymous said... Why aren't there medications for that?
• Anonymous said... Wow, I thought It was I who had written this, and forgotten, until I got to the 9 year old daughter part. I know EXACTLY how you feel, for awhile I had a permascowl. Our son is 14, on no meds and this is the worst year by leaps and bounds. Don't get me started on my precious necklace he took a pair of pliers to. We never talk about school, though we have gone to two p/t evenings with him in tow, but we decided early on, when we realized he was determined to rebel, to simply let him fail. (You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.). It is now January and that is exactly what he's doing, failing. HOWEVER, we are maintaining a relationship with him, mostly me, mom. I realized early on that tearing out our hair and handing out consequences was futile so decided to take a softer approach, and it's working. There are still consequences but not the anger and volatility that goes with it - and we are getting a positive response. Our psychologist says that as long as there is a true relationship, some sincere connecting, at some point, they will come around. If we lose that connection, we might lose them. And I will, even if it's just my fingertip on his shoulder for only a second, grab any opportunity to touch him. I like what our psych said, that's what I have for you. Oh, and remember to breathe. P.S. His school is amazing by the way - don't know how we'd cope without them.
• Anonymous said... You can still do wraparound services (TSS, BSC) and social skills classes if they're available in your area; he should already be in individual therapy if he has such anger issues..
• Anonymous said... You may private message me as all these suggestions are well intentioned but overwhelming and all children are still different apart from the diagnosis. I have been working in the Mental Health Field for many years - My husband and I also do therapeutic foster care. We currently have a 13 year old boy with Aspergers and an 11 year old diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Support is key - Please let me know what area you live. Stay Strong!!
* Anonymous said... Our son is 9 years old and we are experiencing the same. Fortunately our doors are solid wood and our walls are thick mud brick so he can't damage anything. We have him on medication and it helps a lot. When he isn't on it it is just awful. He is in respiradone which is an anti psychotic drug that calms aggression as well as Concerta (Ritalin for concentration) and Fluoxitine (antidepressant). Even on all this he is a very challenging child and causes major problems. His school is very supportive and we have a myriad of people helping us. We also have a 14 year old with dyspraxia ADHD inattentive and a 5 year old with a heart condition which has been a tough road and not helped our 9 year old. We just don't have the energy to follow through on all the suggestions we are given. We just want this living nightmare to end but dreams are free. He is very unpredictable.
• Anonymous said… I agree with a lot that's already been said so won't repeat... Just wanted to say firstly, there IS help for your son and secondly, you need help and support too. Take care of yourself. Consider anti anxiety meds or anti depressants and see a therapist that you can 'offload on'.
• Anonymous said… I feel your pain, there is most definitely meds and speak to them about behaviour therapy. Good luck x
• Anonymous said… May I just ask what the problems are that everyone encounters? I'm at the very beginning of the process and I'm absolutely terrified. My son will be 3 in Feb and I'm almost certain it is aspergers/high functioning autism he will be diagnosed with eventually. His outbursts are becoming more and more aggressive and I was hoping that getting a diagnosis would help me help him as I'm clueless about what to do. There's so much information out there but what works and what do you trust?
• Anonymous said… Mood stabilizer!! Our daughter takes it for strong ocd which can turn into a manic situation at times. She also takes prozac and lithium. We tried 11 meds in 4 yrs before finding this best combo. She herself she's she's feels like its a dream and doesn't want to go wake up. Keep trying!!! Get therapy.
• Anonymous said… My grandson is also in the same boat and my Son and daughter in law at wits end .
• Anonymous said… My life same. I feel your pain I used these guys for nutrients and neurofeedback http://adhd.com.au drug free treatment . Also Nurtured Heart Approach parenting. By Howard Glasser saved my life. It's about building inner wealth
• Anonymous said… My son is 14 & also has these issues, but there is help. We do alot of things still like brushing, listening therapy ect that even at his age do continue to help. He takes prozac & clonidine & so far so good.....not perfect but manageable. Good days & bad but much better then it was.....good luck to you
• Anonymous said… my son is waiting to be diagnosed for Aspergers after 8 yrs of hell which is still continuing. hes bin on meds for ADHD but no longer on them as he got TICS really bad, hes under child psychiatrist who dismissed his hearing voices as 'something we all experience!!!!!' r u kidding me!!!!! it ttook my son whose 11 a lot of courage to even tell the shrink this n angered him that she didnt believe him!! his words.
• Anonymous said… Once he is diagnosed often times insurance will cover for in home help. Or they may cover a portion of the cost. I will ask around.
• Anonymous said… We are all very similar.I lay in bed heartbroken as my son with aspergers gave his playstation and games to this woman who friended him on line said she would come over and play games. As we all know...they are dying for friendship. She took them and said she'd brig.g them back. We don't know her name or where she lives.he had her text number he told her to bring them back or we would call the police. She said she didn't care. The police wouldn't do anything. So hes hysterical and demands a new system and games. Sorry son tough lesson. He through a major fit. I had to have him stay with his dad. I can't handle him. He's 18 and 6' tall and 200 lbs. I have holes in my walls too
• Anonymous said… We took the biomed approach for both my aspies, drugs just made my teen gain 30 lbs and turned her into a zombie. Biomed found 2 conditions, Pyroluria and Methlyation issues in both, 1 kid is an Overmethylator, my other is an Undermethylator. ODD/OCD issues are almost always caused by Undermethylation which is treatable without drugs! (all 3 issues are) its a long road but a year after starting treatment I had 2 very different kids! My teen is now a happy straight A student but we also do a lot of different therapies from OT to address sensory issues to the emotional stuff but without treating the biomed stuff its hopeless.
• Anonymous said… You could be describing my situation exactly. My son was diagnosed with high functioning ASD earlier this year after taking 7 years to get a diagnosis. He is now also 14 years old. I have also replaced doors and filled in holes in walls, as well as replacing trashed carpets, electrical equipment etc. He also has a younger sister who isn't allowed to do teenage sorts of things like play her music. We too were left with nowhere to go after the diagnosis. So what I did was contact my MP and asked him to complain on my behalf to the NHS, saying how disgusting it was that a young boy should just abandoned like this. My MP put in a complaint to the Chief Executive of the NHS, Simon Stevens, who then got in touch with my local Young People's Service at the 2gether Trust, to report back to him with progress. My son now has several appointments lined up with a child psychologist who specialises in ASD who, I hope, is going to help my son accept his condition and help prevent some of these meltdowns. I'm not sure if it will be successful but at least I feel that I'm doing something. I hope this helps and best of luck x
Please post your comment below…
The second step is to teach your child a replacement behavior, which he can use to communicate what he wants or doesn't want. It may even involve using some of his obsessive or self-stimulating behaviors (e.g., hand-flapping, rocking, pacing, etc.) as a replacement behavior. This is far less intrusive to others than aggressive behaviors, but still serves the same purpose.
You can also encourage your son to express his feelings or negotiate verbally. Alternatively, he can communicate through other methods such as emotion cards, drawings, using symbols, or "talking" through a puppet. You know your youngster best, so you need to experiment and see what works best.
This process takes time and initially, depending on the behavior, you may not have time. If the behavior is severe, then you need to immediately remove your son from whatever situation he is in at the time. Simply insisting that he stop the behavior and participate in whatever is occurring will not work unless you remove him from the situation first.
Also, maintaining your son's routine will go a long way towards reducing the need for inappropriate or aggressive behavior in the first place. Routine is a great source of stability and comfort for kids on the autism spectrum.
In summary, try to identify the real cause of the behavior, and teach your son to communicate the real cause of the behavior to you in a less harmful manner. A good therapist can be a big help to you here. So don’t be afraid to ask for help with this issue.
==> For parents who are struggling with their defiant teenager's behavior, here are a bunch of suggestions to implement - immediately!
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
----------
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.
PARENTS' COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said…At 12, our son was as the 14 y.o. described in the initial question. We sought professional help and ended up hospitalizing him. Meds did help him with the anxiety and depression, and to control his outbursts, but he needed to be in the hospital where they could observe him first hand while determining the effects of the meds. You must take the steps to get control in order to proceed to the part where you teach him the social and other skills he is lacking. And through it all, firmness with empathy and love. When a horse refuses to go into a barn, you don't punish him. You look in the barn to see if there's a snake. These children really do feel distressed; they're usually not being manipulative. There's a balance of how to meet their needs without letting them run the show, and most of us just aren't magically going to get there.
• Anonymous said…I know how you feel, we had a living hell for 13 years with our daughter, with no family to help, no respite and no support, finally someone listened and noticed it was more than naughtiness and now she's diagnosed with aspergers & medicated. She still has her moments, but she's a more like a normal kid now. It's definitely saved our family and given her a chance of a decent life. :)
• Anonymous said…I think my stepson has ODD, he hasn't been able to go to school since he was 11 as he is unable to sit still, concentrate, and always gets soooo angry when he is unable to do something or feels intimidated.
• Anonymous said…Im going through the same things!!! My family cant even stand to be around him, they want me to give him to the state!! his special EI based school doesnt want him either, they often threaten to have him taken away by the police...lots of notes sent home..every day, he cant handle school, he cant handle a daycare..where does he go??? How do I get back to work..im on a family leave, i have 2more wks left....michigan has very little resources....anyone?? any suggestions Im so running out of time....
• Anonymous said…My heart goes out to these moms. Our family is in the same boat. We have a 15 yr old son. Very aggressive and easily angered. I love a lot of the information here and give kudos to your site but I thought this reply was a little lacking in actual help. Identification and replacing the behavior is a little simplistic for the situations. At 14 yrs of age these teens are not necessarily youngsters who can be easily removed from the situation or able to easily apply a change to the way they respond. Although the article did identify that it would take time there is a huge gap in how to do that. It just seems to lead to more frustration and the Mom's left feeling more alone and defeated. I was hoping to find a second page with the deeper answer. It reminds me of sitting in an IEP meeting during his 6th grade and the solution they wrote down for my son was "He will work on doing better to get into less fights with his classmates and he will work on finishing his homework." That was it... just a feeling of "do better" with no achievable action plan.
• Anonymous said…My son also was diagnosed with ODD along with ADHD, anxiety disorder, AS and more. We put him on risperdal and the ODD practically disappeared-it was quite miraculous!! I think that his anxiety was overwhelming, causing the ODD.
• Anonymous said…My son has a diagnosis of Asd, ADHD and possible ODD, he is also being tested now for premature puberty-he's eight. We feel lost, and feel there is no where to turn, we home educate him as he can't cope at school. You are not alone. Xxxxxx
• Anonymous said…my son has adhd ,ODD and aspergers and we use ritalin,and risperdal the risperdal was my saviour he now sleeps like a baby and i have seen a huge difference in him the school says he chooses his behaviour and its non of the above but now the teach has implemented a eeward system for each 40 min session in the day we seeing huge improvement …its taken me 4 yrs to find what works but there is hope
• Anonymous said…my son has adhd odd ocd tics and sensory issues very difficult.
• Anonymous said…My son has also been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes it even more difficult.
• Anonymous said…My son has AS and intermittent explosive disorder. Tantrums started around 3 and quickly turned into rages. Preschool made him worse. By the time he was diagnosed in Kindergarten we were at our wits end. We had tried parenting like we had with our other children but it wasn't working with him. With the diagnosis came a lot of info. Had to completely change the way we dealt with him. Wasn't popular among some family members, but slowly became better. Spent 3 yrs at spec ed school. Takes Tenex, (blood pressure med) that helps tremendously with rages. We were fortunate to have wonderful teachers and admins that bent over backwards to help him. Now at 11, he isn't perfect, but is actually enjoyable to be around most of the time. There are many situations that he just can't handle right now, and we don't force him. Life isn't perfect, but Hope is alive. Number one suggestion is to learn to remain calm in all situations, and don't react confrontationally. Learn to pick battles, and overlook lesser infractions to concentrate on the most important ones. Don't get into power struggles, you will never win. Small settings with as little stress as possible, makes for a more pleasant Aspie. Good luck and hang in there.
• Anonymous said…My son has same diagnosis.
• Anonymous said…Oppositional Defiant Disorder is very hard to deal with. At home, there are some days when everything seems to be a fight. At school, notes come home that my son is refusing to do work, not following directions, and sometimes yelling at and threatening adults. Sometimes it just makes me want to cry.
• Anonymous said…Same problem with my 10 year old. About to lose my job sigh.
• Anonymous said…There is help, you just have to find the right professionals willing to help and not give up with "sorry, there's just nothing we can do to help." Our 11 year old was diagnosed with ODD 3 years ago on top of the AS diagnosis he had received at 4 years. It's taken a lot of time and work, and some medication, to get to where we are, but he is doing very well. Tantrums are less frequent and severe (less, not gone!), he has friends, he's more manageable... ABA has been huge!!! And smaller school environment has also helped. In just a paragraph, I may have made it sound easy or simplistic. Believe me, it hasn't been, but there is definate progress and lots of hope.
• Anonymous said…There is help. My youngest has adhd and odd. Are you in the uk? If you are send me a friend req and ill help you out
• Anonymous said…These two go hand in hand every time.
• Anonymous said... And very important to take time for you. It can be very difficult to do that with responsibilities such as you have but if you go down who's going to keep the steering the ship?
• Anonymous said... behaviour modification training works with ODD behaviours. you need to over structure their lives from what they eat to what they wear., give them NO choices at all to begin with and then allow them a choice between two options once you get 100% compliance. Choices are the reward for compliance and appropriate behaviours. It was hell but I had to do that with with my child. it is easier when they are younger. ODD is behavioural and only behaviour therapy works long term for it! As for books of how to do Behaviour Modification training, go online or to your library, it is extreme parenting for the extreme child. the pay offs are huge and the alternate is a wrecked home and life for you and your child. Medications do help but the child needs to learn to comply and to control their actions. It is not easy but either we teach them or the prison system will and that is heart breaking and sad. The truth is there is very little help and support out there. Keep up your best efforts and do not be hard on yourself. At 14 he can work to help himself!
• Anonymous said... Early, early, early diagnosis is key...so treatment can be started when they are open to it, and continue consistently over the years. Only then can we get somewhere. The preteen years are too late... My daughter was dx at 11. By then, hormones exacerbate all of it and it's much harder to help them get control.
• Anonymous said... Get you a counselor to help you cope and him a cognitive behavior therapist my son is the same way I know how hard it is but don't be ashamed to get help I did and Im not as stressed as before. I still get frustrated alot and theres alot of arguments with my son but you have to learn to choose your battles read Tony Atwoods guide to asbergers syndrome it will help with ideas as well
• Anonymous said... Hi im in the very same way as you my 14 year old son asbergers left home on tuesday to live with his dad he does not like to follow rules
• Anonymous said... I'm sorry it's so so hard. It is unbelievably stressful and emotionally draining. I often find myself saying and doing mean things and I'm a Social Worker who knows a lot about communication Ect. I feel for you. I'm not sure where you live but in most areas there will be a practitioner who can either help support you or work with your lad. We have thought we might separate our family to try to minimise conflict in the future. I feel for you and know how helpless things can feel. Take care.
• Anonymous said... My son (15) has Aspergers and ADHD and also has treatment for depression. He was diagnosed aged 12 and it took my breakdown and his feelings for ending it all to get him diagnosed. We have ritalin (40mg daily) and prozit (2.5ml daily) and agree it took him to want to accept his Asperger's and ADHD. 2 years ago we would have been happy with Ds at GCSE. With help from school, us and CAMHS we are hoping for Bs, Cs and maybe even one A. It is a difficult journey but with age can come maturity and although we are not out of the woods yet we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are definitely not on your own here. I remember the days of the smashed tv all to well. Chin up xx
• Anonymous said... My son also had odd with aspergers and ADHD. We medicate the ADHD but only for school. At home, he gets therapy frequently to help him learn how to use words rather than rage and to manage himself. It's a long road. I would keep a journal and document the meltdowns to try to get to the bottom of the causes and then you may be able to come up with idea for avoiding them. The therapist might be able to help you with this too. Sometimes they just can't find the words and it's worth talking about it after the fact when all the drama is over to try to find out. Explore sensory input. For example my son will meltdown if he has to wear buttons. He cannot tolerate the way they feel on his skin. For the longest time, he would freak out and I couldn't figure why until I asked him one day out of the blue. Avoidance is key. Message therapy might also help. Experiment and try stuff. Hang in ther. Try to get out and have some fun of your own when things get to be too much.
• Anonymous said... My son also has aspergers and adhd ,what u have just wrote is my daily life ,my home is destroyed ,nd getting no help with the educational aspect ,he is in main stream school ,nd is excluded presently twice a week ,I can't get a statement for some reason ,my sons education is at reception class standard ,and he is 12 years old ,I can really empathise with what u are going through ,I am a single mum ov 6 teenage kids ,so very hard to show the rest any attention x
• Anonymous said... My son has the same diagnosis with Bipolar just added during his last inpatient stay. My ex husband and I both have dealt with destroyed homes, frequent suspensions from school, attacks on us and teachers. His 1st inpatient stay was a year in a facility specifically designed for kids on the spectrum. They adjusted medications and got him under control. Upon return to school, his behaviors began to escalate and it wasn't long before he was back in the hospital. At 10 yrs now, he has 5 hospital stays behind him, we've moved to a new school, finally got a great teacher that loves him no matter what and is working with us. His medication coupled with weekly individual and family counseling is working and we have had no meltdowns in 3 weeks. Progress is slow, but we are grateful. Hang in there, you are not alone
• Anonymous said... My son is 15 and has been on medication since he was five. It has changed over the years, but the neurologist told us in second grade to treat the anxiety first then the other issues. Aspergers children suffer from the unpredictable and lack of structure. Once we got the anxiety under control we treated for ADD. Then at 14 he had some severe paranoia, stopped taking meds and punched a hole in the wall. He spent a week in care and was not allowed to leave until he was cooperative. He now takes a third medication for mood stability. It has been a difficult journey and there is no help out there. His counselor cancelled sessions because he has no psychiatric goals...I was floored. People question why we have issues in society...our mental health needs to be progressive for all of our kids. I am a teacher and there are so many kids affected! You're not alone!!!!
• Anonymous said... My son just got back into our home from residential placement. He was there inpatient for 11 months. He originally at age 3 was diagnosed ADHD, once put inpatient at age 12 that diagnosis was changed to Aspergers along with Depression, ODD, RAD, it has been a very rough roller coaster ride. His bad behaviors out weigh his good. We have many services in place for him, but HE has to be willing to change his ways. We have 6 months set up for him. If he returns to his old self, self destruction, suicide, he will then be placed into a group home. All of you going through things like this or more. Realize you are NOT ALONE !!!!!
• Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with ADHD-hyperactive impulsive type with with signs of depression and anxiety along with ODD at the age of 6. His treatment is Vyvanse 30mg every day and he is supposed to go to counseling. We also work very closely with the principal, school psychologist, school counselor, and his teacher. We also take him to see our doctor every 6 months.We noticed signs when he was about 3 or so. We had him tested at 4 but the psychologist we took him to at that time couldn't make the diagnoses stating we would have to wait till he was school age. Prek and kindergarten was not pleasant. We are in a different school district fr when he was in kindergarten. He has been doing GREAT in first grade and second grade.
• Anonymous said... There is medication to lessen irritability and aggression, also repetitive behaviors. Abilify. My almost 13 yr old daughter has been taking it for about a year, and from the beginning it helped (it does take about 3 weeks to get into the system).
• Anonymous said... This is my family too. You are not alone. I had to move out with my 14 year old so everyone else could be happy and safe
• Anonymous said... We use a great lady therapist , been through many of them she teaches social thinking skills, plus other techniques. He has changed so much. We also use a program that is part of a wrap around service child guidance resource center. They work at home , school and out in the community
• Anonymous said... Why aren't there medications for that?
• Anonymous said... Wow, I thought It was I who had written this, and forgotten, until I got to the 9 year old daughter part. I know EXACTLY how you feel, for awhile I had a permascowl. Our son is 14, on no meds and this is the worst year by leaps and bounds. Don't get me started on my precious necklace he took a pair of pliers to. We never talk about school, though we have gone to two p/t evenings with him in tow, but we decided early on, when we realized he was determined to rebel, to simply let him fail. (You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.). It is now January and that is exactly what he's doing, failing. HOWEVER, we are maintaining a relationship with him, mostly me, mom. I realized early on that tearing out our hair and handing out consequences was futile so decided to take a softer approach, and it's working. There are still consequences but not the anger and volatility that goes with it - and we are getting a positive response. Our psychologist says that as long as there is a true relationship, some sincere connecting, at some point, they will come around. If we lose that connection, we might lose them. And I will, even if it's just my fingertip on his shoulder for only a second, grab any opportunity to touch him. I like what our psych said, that's what I have for you. Oh, and remember to breathe. P.S. His school is amazing by the way - don't know how we'd cope without them.
• Anonymous said... You can still do wraparound services (TSS, BSC) and social skills classes if they're available in your area; he should already be in individual therapy if he has such anger issues..
• Anonymous said... You may private message me as all these suggestions are well intentioned but overwhelming and all children are still different apart from the diagnosis. I have been working in the Mental Health Field for many years - My husband and I also do therapeutic foster care. We currently have a 13 year old boy with Aspergers and an 11 year old diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Support is key - Please let me know what area you live. Stay Strong!!
* Anonymous said... Our son is 9 years old and we are experiencing the same. Fortunately our doors are solid wood and our walls are thick mud brick so he can't damage anything. We have him on medication and it helps a lot. When he isn't on it it is just awful. He is in respiradone which is an anti psychotic drug that calms aggression as well as Concerta (Ritalin for concentration) and Fluoxitine (antidepressant). Even on all this he is a very challenging child and causes major problems. His school is very supportive and we have a myriad of people helping us. We also have a 14 year old with dyspraxia ADHD inattentive and a 5 year old with a heart condition which has been a tough road and not helped our 9 year old. We just don't have the energy to follow through on all the suggestions we are given. We just want this living nightmare to end but dreams are free. He is very unpredictable.
• Anonymous said… I agree with a lot that's already been said so won't repeat... Just wanted to say firstly, there IS help for your son and secondly, you need help and support too. Take care of yourself. Consider anti anxiety meds or anti depressants and see a therapist that you can 'offload on'.
• Anonymous said… I feel your pain, there is most definitely meds and speak to them about behaviour therapy. Good luck x
• Anonymous said… May I just ask what the problems are that everyone encounters? I'm at the very beginning of the process and I'm absolutely terrified. My son will be 3 in Feb and I'm almost certain it is aspergers/high functioning autism he will be diagnosed with eventually. His outbursts are becoming more and more aggressive and I was hoping that getting a diagnosis would help me help him as I'm clueless about what to do. There's so much information out there but what works and what do you trust?
• Anonymous said… Mood stabilizer!! Our daughter takes it for strong ocd which can turn into a manic situation at times. She also takes prozac and lithium. We tried 11 meds in 4 yrs before finding this best combo. She herself she's she's feels like its a dream and doesn't want to go wake up. Keep trying!!! Get therapy.
• Anonymous said… My grandson is also in the same boat and my Son and daughter in law at wits end .
• Anonymous said… My life same. I feel your pain I used these guys for nutrients and neurofeedback http://adhd.com.au drug free treatment . Also Nurtured Heart Approach parenting. By Howard Glasser saved my life. It's about building inner wealth
• Anonymous said… My son is 14 & also has these issues, but there is help. We do alot of things still like brushing, listening therapy ect that even at his age do continue to help. He takes prozac & clonidine & so far so good.....not perfect but manageable. Good days & bad but much better then it was.....good luck to you
• Anonymous said… my son is waiting to be diagnosed for Aspergers after 8 yrs of hell which is still continuing. hes bin on meds for ADHD but no longer on them as he got TICS really bad, hes under child psychiatrist who dismissed his hearing voices as 'something we all experience!!!!!' r u kidding me!!!!! it ttook my son whose 11 a lot of courage to even tell the shrink this n angered him that she didnt believe him!! his words.
• Anonymous said… Once he is diagnosed often times insurance will cover for in home help. Or they may cover a portion of the cost. I will ask around.
• Anonymous said… We are all very similar.I lay in bed heartbroken as my son with aspergers gave his playstation and games to this woman who friended him on line said she would come over and play games. As we all know...they are dying for friendship. She took them and said she'd brig.g them back. We don't know her name or where she lives.he had her text number he told her to bring them back or we would call the police. She said she didn't care. The police wouldn't do anything. So hes hysterical and demands a new system and games. Sorry son tough lesson. He through a major fit. I had to have him stay with his dad. I can't handle him. He's 18 and 6' tall and 200 lbs. I have holes in my walls too
• Anonymous said… We took the biomed approach for both my aspies, drugs just made my teen gain 30 lbs and turned her into a zombie. Biomed found 2 conditions, Pyroluria and Methlyation issues in both, 1 kid is an Overmethylator, my other is an Undermethylator. ODD/OCD issues are almost always caused by Undermethylation which is treatable without drugs! (all 3 issues are) its a long road but a year after starting treatment I had 2 very different kids! My teen is now a happy straight A student but we also do a lot of different therapies from OT to address sensory issues to the emotional stuff but without treating the biomed stuff its hopeless.
• Anonymous said… You could be describing my situation exactly. My son was diagnosed with high functioning ASD earlier this year after taking 7 years to get a diagnosis. He is now also 14 years old. I have also replaced doors and filled in holes in walls, as well as replacing trashed carpets, electrical equipment etc. He also has a younger sister who isn't allowed to do teenage sorts of things like play her music. We too were left with nowhere to go after the diagnosis. So what I did was contact my MP and asked him to complain on my behalf to the NHS, saying how disgusting it was that a young boy should just abandoned like this. My MP put in a complaint to the Chief Executive of the NHS, Simon Stevens, who then got in touch with my local Young People's Service at the 2gether Trust, to report back to him with progress. My son now has several appointments lined up with a child psychologist who specialises in ASD who, I hope, is going to help my son accept his condition and help prevent some of these meltdowns. I'm not sure if it will be successful but at least I feel that I'm doing something. I hope this helps and best of luck x
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The Difference Between Asperger's and Autism
"What is the real difference between Asperger's Syndrome and Autism? When I tell people that my daughter has Asperger's, they usually ask me, 'What is Asperger's exactly?' And I say, 'It's a form of Autism.' But that doesn't really help them to understand Asperger's since there is supposedly a big difference between the two disorders."
There is a great deal of confusion when it comes to the differences between Aspergers (high functioning autism) and Autistic Disorder. It seems that even medical professionals have difficulty determining a clear line between the two disorders. Often, it boils down to simply categorizing children according to the specific traits they exhibit, such as how they use language. However, there are some professionals who assert that Aspergers and Autism are actually the same disorder and should both fall under the heading of Autism.
Click here for more information on the new criteria for Autism as described in the DSM 5.
It's important to understand Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDDs) when trying to determine the differences (or lack thereof) between Aspergers and Autism. PDDs are neurobiological disorders that include a wide spectrum of conditions, including Aspergers and Autism. PDDS are marked by much delayed or significantly lacking social and language skills. A child with a PDD will usually have problems communicating with others and understanding language. Often, children with these conditions ignore or fail to understand facial expressions, and they may not make eye contact as most people expect in social situations.
It's important to understand Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDDs) when trying to determine the differences (or lack thereof) between Aspergers and Autism. PDDs are neurobiological disorders that include a wide spectrum of conditions, including Aspergers and Autism. PDDS are marked by much delayed or significantly lacking social and language skills. A child with a PDD will usually have problems communicating with others and understanding language. Often, children with these conditions ignore or fail to understand facial expressions, and they may not make eye contact as most people expect in social situations.
Autism is the most well known of the disorders classified as PDDs. Autistic kids look just like everyone else. It is their behavior that is different, and they appear withdrawn and often resist to change. They tend to throw tantrums, shake, flap or move their bodies in odd ways, and laugh or cry for what seems like no reason.
Kids with Autism may play in a way that it considered odd and exhibit obsessive attachments to certain objects. They may act as if they are deaf, ignore verbal cues, repeat certain words over and over again, or be entirely non-verbal. In those who are verbal, a lack of ability to start a conversation is often evident.
Aspergers is often considered within the spectrum of Autism. A child with Aspergers may exhibit odd or abnormal verbal communication skills. He may also avoid peer relationships, lack interest in others, fail to return emotional feelings, form obsessive attachments to subjects of interest, and have repetitive behaviors. He may exhibit repetitive movements, such as flapping or twisting. Interestingly, children with Aspergers generally do not experience delays in language or cognitive development, and they are often very curious about their environment.
It is important to note that not all children with Aspergers and Autism lack the ability to function normally. Some are considered highly-functioning and are capable of caring for themselves and interacting socially. However, these young people are usually seen as odd or eccentric because they still have behaviors that don't mesh with what most people consider normal.
Since Aspergers and Autism are seen as so similar, some people draw a line between the two at language development and social awareness. It seems that those with Aspergers typically have more normal language development, though many still have disordered language and communication skills. Kids and teens with Aspergers also tend to be more interested in - and aware of - social interactions than those with Autism. However, social skills must be taught and even practiced, as they generally don't come naturally to young people with this disorder.
My Aspergers Child: How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... According to the DSMV, there is no difference. It's now High Functioning Autism at level 1 -2.
• Anonymous said... Going thru the same situation with my 16 year old son and his school. They wont acknowledge his aspergers diagnisis.
• Anonymous said... I don't bother getting into a lot of details, I just say "In her case, her main struggles are _______, but others may have different difficulties" With the school, teachers etc I go into more detail.
• Anonymous said... i think its hard for people to understand autism and talking... they hear autistic and think oh well how cause she can talk and look at me and has friends... i just tell people she has high functioning and still struggles with a lot of the same things as a severe autistic child but in a less severe form... most people tend to understand that.
• Anonymous said... It is on the Autism spectrum and is high functioning autism.
• Anonymous said... It's a social delay. The way in which they relate to others. That's what I tell my son about himself. Then I give him examples of his behavior and he understands it. He can't control it yet, but, I'm giving him awareness of it so he can be mindful of his actions.
• Anonymous said... It's not hfa. Hfa usually involves speech issues, meaning not talking. Not unable to talk just introverted in a way. Aspies generally talk, and quite well. From my experience anyway:)
• Anonymous said... People seem to get Autism for the most part. I just tell them my son has high functioning Autism and it affects things like his social skills, eye contact and coordination.
• Anonymous said... That's a good question. I have a 9 year old with Asperger's and go through the same thing. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand Autism at all.
• Anonymous said... The individual is their own unique self, and their needs are their needs, just like anyone else. It really doesn't matter what anyone wants to call it. The only real usefulness for either label is as an indicator that says, "we need to keep looking".
• Anonymous said... With the dx coding changes I just say he's HFA now. It's easier for most to understand that and the school works with it easier
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COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... According to the DSMV, there is no difference. It's now High Functioning Autism at level 1 -2.
• Anonymous said... Going thru the same situation with my 16 year old son and his school. They wont acknowledge his aspergers diagnisis.
• Anonymous said... I don't bother getting into a lot of details, I just say "In her case, her main struggles are _______, but others may have different difficulties" With the school, teachers etc I go into more detail.
• Anonymous said... i think its hard for people to understand autism and talking... they hear autistic and think oh well how cause she can talk and look at me and has friends... i just tell people she has high functioning and still struggles with a lot of the same things as a severe autistic child but in a less severe form... most people tend to understand that.
• Anonymous said... It is on the Autism spectrum and is high functioning autism.
• Anonymous said... It's a social delay. The way in which they relate to others. That's what I tell my son about himself. Then I give him examples of his behavior and he understands it. He can't control it yet, but, I'm giving him awareness of it so he can be mindful of his actions.
• Anonymous said... It's not hfa. Hfa usually involves speech issues, meaning not talking. Not unable to talk just introverted in a way. Aspies generally talk, and quite well. From my experience anyway:)
• Anonymous said... People seem to get Autism for the most part. I just tell them my son has high functioning Autism and it affects things like his social skills, eye contact and coordination.
• Anonymous said... That's a good question. I have a 9 year old with Asperger's and go through the same thing. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand Autism at all.
• Anonymous said... The individual is their own unique self, and their needs are their needs, just like anyone else. It really doesn't matter what anyone wants to call it. The only real usefulness for either label is as an indicator that says, "we need to keep looking".
• Anonymous said... With the dx coding changes I just say he's HFA now. It's easier for most to understand that and the school works with it easier
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Aspergers in Females
From A Woman's Perspective:
A young lady who has participated for several years in a social group for adults with high functioning autism and Asperger’s Syndrome sponsored at our TEACCH Center in Asheville, recently remarked, “There aren’t a heck of a lot of ladies who have Asperger’s Syndrome or autism. The majority are males, and although we get along with the guys, there are some issues that they are never going to understand. I wish there was more information specifically for ladies who have autism.” Her comment prompted the initiation of the first ladies’ group at the Asheville TEACCH Center.
While talking with this lady, who is in her 20’s, I was reminded of my own early adulthood. I remember the strong support of “ladies’ consciousness-raising groups” that sprouted up on college campuses and in living rooms in the 60’s and 70’s. While struggling for and demanding equality between the sexes in the society at large, we discovered that there were important distinctions that needed to be honored. Together we explored and defined what “being a lady” was about, in the company of other young ladies searching for self-awareness. Being a member of a ladies’ “CR” (Consciousness-Raising) group was educational, exciting, exhilarating, emotional, relevant…and never boring.
According to Tony Attwood and other professionals in the field, ladies with high functioning autism and Asperger’s Syndrome may be an under diagnosed population. If this is true, some of the reasons may be attributed to gender differences.
Are there behaviors that are seen in females with Asperger’s Syndrome, but not in males, that we haven’t yet identified as part of the profile… or certain gender-related behavior that might fool us into ruling out the diagnosis? What about the “pretend play” that has been observed in many young females at our center, which on the surface appears to be quite creative and imaginative? There seem to be many females (on the spectrum) who are enamored with princesses, fantasy kingdoms, unicorns, and animals¬¬. How many diagnosticians observe these interests and skills as imagination, and rule out a diagnosis based on these behaviors? Might this interest in imaginary kingdoms and talking animals be more common among females than males, yet still exist alongside other autistic/Aspergers traits?
And what about one typical response to confusion or frustration--hitting or other such outward expressions of frustration? Does this type of acting out occur more often in males with autism than in females? Is confusion or frustration simply easier to identify in males than females because we already look for it? Among the general population, it is commonly thought that males do “act out” more than females. (You sometimes hear teachers complain there are too many males in his or her class, and its impact on the class’ personality!) Is it easier to identify males as having autism because these behaviors are more obvious, than females who may experience inward or passive signs of aggression?
Professionals whose task it is to diagnose individuals with autism or Asperger’s Syndrome need to learn more about the full range of qualities and personality differences unique to females and ladies on the spectrum.
And what about the females’ and ladies’ route to self-understanding? Indeed, several ladies I have worked with who have Asperger’s Syndrome have talked about the unique challenges they experience because they constitute a “minority” within this special group of society.
I believe that in order to gain self understanding, each person with - or without - autism needs to see his or her own reflection in the world. I call this ‘seeing one’s place.’ For people with autism or AS, who already are challenged in this area, it becomes imperative that they meet, listen to, talk with, read about, and learn from others with autism. What happens as a result of this coming together is that they are able to see their ‘reflection’ and better understand their own unique styles of thinking and being. Ladies with autism, although benefiting greatly from getting to know other people with autism, often find that they might be the only female (or one of a very few ladies) in the group.
When I asked the ladies we see at our center if they would be interested in being in a ladies’ group, I had hoped that the group could fill a gap in our services. I also hoped that I would learn more about what it means to be a lady with autism. The more I meet with these ladies, the more I realize we have far to go in understanding the unique challenges that ladies with autism or Aspergers face.
One lady explained that, from her perspective there is subtle interaction between two sets of issues. “Problems related to the [autism] spectrum are combined with problems of society’s expectations of ladies. How one looks, what one wears, how one is supposed to relate socially, that a lady is supposed to have a natural empathy towards others, expectations about dating and marriage…” Ladies are affected by autism in the same ways as are their male counterparts; however, they are doubly challenged by the added assumptions that society places on the female gender.
At the risk of stereotyping, any man who is a rational thinker, and not emotionally in tune with others, is often thought of as having “typical male behavior” (think of the TV show “Tool Time”). A female exhibiting these same personality traits might be regarded as odd, annoying, cold, or depending on the situation, even mean-spirited. Autism, with its particular effects on personality, causes one to appear more rational and less emotionally responsive or empathetic to others. Ladies with autism note that these expectations indeed may weigh more heavily on them, just because they are ladies.
At the first meeting, the group members requested specific topics for discussion, topics that they encounter in daily life or ones which they are currently pondering. These topics included issues that are relevant to ladies at large such as personal safety; dating and sex; or being taken advantage of when your car needs repair. Other issues they raised were felt by group members to possibly be more significant for ladies with autism, but common to all--being pressured to conform by getting married; to “act like a lady”; and issues about one’s appearance--to have to “look a certain way”.
However, there were topics that all agree are a direct result of being a lady with autism, such as common behavioral and social expectations by the society at large. At the top of the list were the expectations of being sensitive to others and displaying empathy.
Ladies with autism have expressed that they feel that more is expected from them than from their male counterparts, simply because of their gender. Members of the group felt these expectations to be sensitive and empathetic, typically attributed to ladies, are unfair and difficult to meet. Discussion centered on how these behaviors require skills like the ability to accurately read and respond to body language, along with the inherent desire to “take care of others, emotionally”. Interestingly, after discussing these issues, the first requested topic to explore was reading body language and how to tell if someone is trying to take advantage of you.
The topic that generated the biggest emotional response from the group was the personal experience of feeling like one was “being treated like a child”. Parents, in general, are often more protective of their daughters than their sons. Daughters with autism talked about feeling overly protected into womanhood. In many cases, this is needed, although without understanding the parent’s perspective, the adult daughter can feel unfairly babied. Some ladies talked about the resentment they felt toward people, who for many years had been trying to teach them “socially appropriate” ways of acting. “Enough already!” was a common response.
The desire to be respected as an individual, and as a lady, was voiced clearly and strongly. Although this desire is probably equally shared among grown men with autism, the ladies voiced these desires clearly, with deep emotion and passion, when talking with other ladies.
What to Do When You Think Your Child May Have an Autism Spectrum Disorder
"What are the first steps parents should begin to take when they believe their child may have autism?"
For many moms and dads, finding out that your youngster has ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), can be a mixed blessing. On one hand, a positive diagnosis gives rise to the prospect of management and greater certainty as to the factors at play in your youngster's life. On the other, most moms and dads are unprepared for the changes having a son or daughter with the disorder invariably brings.We've compiled a list of the top 10 steps to take if you think your youngster may have an autism spectrum disorder, or if you've had your youngster diagnosed already:
1. Be honest with yourself. At times, rearing a son or daughter with HFA can cause you anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration and depression. Be open to understanding that you will, at times, feel all these feelings, and allow that authenticity to give rise to the possibility that you will take care of your own needs. In doing so, you can more effectively tend to the needs of others. Don't feel the need to explain or justify your actions to others. However you cope with the situation is exactly the way you are supposed to.
2. Contact community services and inquire as to whether you are eligible for some type of family benefit as a parent of a youngster on the autism spectrum. Your doctor should be able to advise you on this.
3. Contact your local Autism Association and ascertain what services are provided through the service. Make use of private and government resourced services.
4. Permit yourself to take stock of your situation from a place of positivity. With diagnosis comes some certainty, as you and your youngster are now dealing with a known quantity. There's nothing wrong with taking each day at a time, and understanding that you can now make a difference to your youngster's life, which you could not in the absence of a diagnosis. You're youngster has always had the disorder. The day your son or daughter receives a diagnosis is the first step in the right direction.
5. If your son or daughter is in school, contact the Principal and advise him or her of the diagnosis. Many schools are aware of – and, in fact, provide information on – autism. School counseling is designed to assist with the condition. In addition, ask your youngster's school whether they are aware of any parent workshops for autistic children.
If your child is older, home study and tutoring may be an option. It is important to be assertive in ensuring that your school can properly advocate for your youngster's needs, and ideally this can be achieved by working within the school protocols. There is no need for you to underestimate your youngster's potential, and certainly this attitude should be reflected in the educational institution. Involve yourself where possible in your youngster's educational and learning environments.
6. Invest in your own education. There is a vast quantity of information on autism spectrum disorders available, both online and in the form of medical literature. Sign up for information seminars, online e-courses, and if you are looking for immediately available information, give consideration to investing in an ebook written by an expert on autism spectrum disorders. Knowledge is power.
7. Involve your family in the process, and do your best to maintain objectivity. Kids on the spectrum have certain special needs; however, they are (for the most part) high-functioning children who can thrive with appropriate and measured care. Try and maintain a balance between focusing on providing that care, and being a spouse and parent to the rest of your family.
8. Make inquiries with your doctor for a referral to someone who has experience with autism spectrum disorders. Having professional assistance can make an enormous difference to how effectively you can help your youngster cope with the disorder. Permit those professionals you consult to guide you through the process and make the most of their advice.
9. Make inquiries within your local community as to the support groups available for those with HFA and for moms and dads of these children. Sharing your situation with others who are in a position to fully appreciate it can make an enormous difference.
10. Remember to smile. You have a special child. One day, he or she just might be the one looking after you.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.
Changing Unwanted Behavior in Kids on the Autism Spectrum
“It is very frustrating not being able to change or modify the rigid behaviors that my child exhibits, for example, picky eating, rudeness to others, lack of motivation …just to name a few. Is there anything that can be done to help him be more open to change and flexibility?”
CLICK HERE for the answer...
CLICK HERE for the answer...
Dealing with Difficult Aspergers-related Behavior
"I need some advice on how to handle behavior problems in my child with Asperger syndrome, such as how to use the right discipline, dealing with his obsessions, sibling issues, sleep problems, school-related problems, and acting-out behavior in public. Thanks!" COMMENTS:
Anonymous said... Yes, I found that my son used to really freak out when young if he got in trouble, he didn't really know what was up or what he did wrong - he has very little understanding of some of his behaviors and why they are not OK at times. When he was a toddler, I discovered the strong connection between dairy products (even Goldfish crackers) and his wild behaviors, so a dietary change did a lot of good. Then as a teen, when he became extremely aggressive when his testosterone surged with puberty, and they tried many meds to help him calm down a bit. Finally Trileptal (Oxcarbazepine) and a small dose (don't use larger ones, they can cause obsessions) of Abilify, plus Clonidine .1mg at night to sleep was the perfect combo. He has been able to reduce some of these as he got older, but if we take him off the Trileptal he gets really frustrated and explosive, so he may be on it for life, but it's not a really bad drug - it's an antiseizure med that they use to help bipolar patients also. And the cool thing when he took it is the meltdowns cut WAY back and his mind changed where he could actually form expressions about what he liked, didn't like, talk about his day, tell stories, make jokes, laugh, etc. His counselor was thrilled because he usually never said more than a few words during sessions, and suddenly they were having conversations. I also find this interesting because I read a story last year about some children diagnosed with Autism being found to be having small seizures on a constant basis, and when they were given antiseizure meds they were suddenly able to come out of it and begin to function neurologically - amazing. He still is very much an Aspie and quite a handful and has many challenges, but at least we don't have to call the police to try to get him to stop wrecking the house and attacking people and yelling - that was awful. My poor child, I really do try to see what he goes through, too. And as a foot note - the greatest challenge in dealing with the changes and improvements these meds brought about was when he moved on to new teachers, counselors, etc, for whatever reason, and they would get confused about his diagnosis at first because he didn't "appear" as an Aspie nearly as much as he did without the meds, and could make eye contact, talk, etc. - I kept trying to explain to them that it's like someone with say, schizophrenia - they can take their meds and appear quite normal, but take them away and then you can see their diagnosis. Sometimes I wondered if they even had a clue - but I guess they didn't see very many Aspies at all on this treatment my son is on and it was not something they were used to being presented with.
Anonymous said... My son either laughs at us if we try to discipline him or he screams at the top of his lungs at us. Ugh. We've started a reward sticker chart which is working right now, but with everything else, he loses interest in things over time and then we have to come up with a new system.
More comments below...
Anonymous said... Yes, I found that my son used to really freak out when young if he got in trouble, he didn't really know what was up or what he did wrong - he has very little understanding of some of his behaviors and why they are not OK at times. When he was a toddler, I discovered the strong connection between dairy products (even Goldfish crackers) and his wild behaviors, so a dietary change did a lot of good. Then as a teen, when he became extremely aggressive when his testosterone surged with puberty, and they tried many meds to help him calm down a bit. Finally Trileptal (Oxcarbazepine) and a small dose (don't use larger ones, they can cause obsessions) of Abilify, plus Clonidine .1mg at night to sleep was the perfect combo. He has been able to reduce some of these as he got older, but if we take him off the Trileptal he gets really frustrated and explosive, so he may be on it for life, but it's not a really bad drug - it's an antiseizure med that they use to help bipolar patients also. And the cool thing when he took it is the meltdowns cut WAY back and his mind changed where he could actually form expressions about what he liked, didn't like, talk about his day, tell stories, make jokes, laugh, etc. His counselor was thrilled because he usually never said more than a few words during sessions, and suddenly they were having conversations. I also find this interesting because I read a story last year about some children diagnosed with Autism being found to be having small seizures on a constant basis, and when they were given antiseizure meds they were suddenly able to come out of it and begin to function neurologically - amazing. He still is very much an Aspie and quite a handful and has many challenges, but at least we don't have to call the police to try to get him to stop wrecking the house and attacking people and yelling - that was awful. My poor child, I really do try to see what he goes through, too. And as a foot note - the greatest challenge in dealing with the changes and improvements these meds brought about was when he moved on to new teachers, counselors, etc, for whatever reason, and they would get confused about his diagnosis at first because he didn't "appear" as an Aspie nearly as much as he did without the meds, and could make eye contact, talk, etc. - I kept trying to explain to them that it's like someone with say, schizophrenia - they can take their meds and appear quite normal, but take them away and then you can see their diagnosis. Sometimes I wondered if they even had a clue - but I guess they didn't see very many Aspies at all on this treatment my son is on and it was not something they were used to being presented with.
Anonymous said... My son either laughs at us if we try to discipline him or he screams at the top of his lungs at us. Ugh. We've started a reward sticker chart which is working right now, but with everything else, he loses interest in things over time and then we have to come up with a new system.
More comments below...
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