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Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum Who Get Frustrated Easily

Question

When my 15y/o son with autism (high functioning) meets with disappointment, and when things don't go just as he wants them to, he has his meltdown …then it is so difficult to get him redirected back to doing what he should be doing. Are there any tips you can give me about how to try to get him back on track, to help him accept that something didn't work out or that he can't do or have something he really wanted?

Answer

What you’re referring to here is low frustration tolerance (i.e., needing immediate pleasure or needing to avoid pain at the cost of long-term stress and defeatism). Low frustration-tolerance originates from the youngster’s dysfunctional and irrational beliefs. Behaviors are then the result of avoiding frustrating events which, paradoxically, lead to increased frustration and even greater mental stress.

Low frustration tolerance occurs when the youngster gets very frustrated and has an unwillingness or inability to tolerate the necessary short-term discomfort that is sometimes required for long-term gain. 
 
The opposite of this would be HIGH frustration tolerance. High frustration tolerance is simply the ability to tolerate or cope with discomfort and hard work in the short-term in order to achieve one's long term goals. Kids and teens with high frustration tolerance tend to be much more flexible, logical, rational and calmer in their thinking, behavior and general approach to life – and they are far less likely to suffer mental health problems as a result.
 

Here is what I would say to your son if I were meeting with him one-on-one…

Low frustration tolerance is just what it sounds like. You do not tolerate even the most minor frustrations well. You are easily irritated. You have a short fuse. Now …here is how you can increase your ability to deal with stressors, irritations and frustration without blowing your cool:

When the irritation happens and before you lose your cool, you have a thought or some belief which either lowers or increases your frustration. Consider some of the situations that irritate or annoy you. Look at some of the thinking which may be causing you to be more irritated or frustrated than you need to be. Here are some examples:
  • "I can't stand being frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs."
  • "I can't take this."
  • "I can't wait that long."
  • "I should always be happy and content."
  • "It shouldn't be this difficult."
  • "It shouldn't be this way."
  • "My mom should stop doing things which annoy me."
  • "Things must go my way, and I can’t stand it when they don't."
  • "This is too much."

It is important to listen to what you are thinking, because then you can change what you are thinking. If you change your view of what is happening, you can change how you feel about it. If you can tune-in to what is going on in your head, you can rewrite the script. A large part of feeling frustrated comes from feeling helpless. Realize that you aren't completely helpless.

Now here is what I have to say to you, the parent...

There are nine distinct dimensions reflecting differences in temperament that influence how kids on the autism spectrum respond to the world around them. Understanding these may better help you to understand your son and figure out strategies for coping better with his temperament:

1. ACTIVITY measures the amount of physical energy a youngster puts into behavior and daily activities. An active child moves around a lot, even when sleeping. These kids prefer more active kinds of play over quiet activities such as reading. Many resist sleeping and fall asleep only when they're exhausted. Moms and dads need to notice what works when they are trying to calm an active youngster at bedtime.

2. ADAPTABILITY measures a youngster's adjustment to changes and transitions. Highly adaptable kids can be taken anywhere, anytime. They can sleep anywhere. As they get older, they are easy going. Kids low in adaptability react negatively to changes and need a lot of time before settling into situations. Unexpected situations can arouse strong reactions. Kids low in adaptability resist change, and often insist that every detail of daily routines be followed. They frequently are clingy. You can help them feel more in control by giving them simple choices to make (e.g., “Would you prefer doing your homework before or after dinner?”).

3. APPROACH/WITHDRAWAL measures a child’s initial reaction to a new activity, person, or situation. “Approaching” children tend to have a positive first reaction. These kids are often also very active and may go barreling into new situations, sometimes frightening other kids nearby. Helping them to slow down a little is very useful. “Withdrawing” kids have a negative reaction to the first time they experience something new. Sometimes they slowly warm-up to a situation, so it's important not to rush them into things. Let them set the pace at which they assimilate into what is going on.
 

4. DISTRACTIBILITY measures a youngster's tendency to be diverted by noise, interruptions, and other things going on around them. Highly distractible kids are acutely aware of everything that's going on around them. Simply explaining to a youngster, "You're getting distracted" can help him become more aware and regain his focus. Kids low in distractibility focus well, even in challenging environments, such as school.

5. INTENSITY refers to the level of energy a youngster puts into self-expression (i.e., the amount of volume and drama in the youngster's life). Intense kids express themselves with great vigor and gusto. Older kids speak in extremes (e.g., “Today was THE BEST or THE WORST day ever”). When they are in a good mood, they can be delightfully enthusiastic about something. When they are in a bad mood, a negative reaction from a parent can unleash a major tantrum or meltdown, abusive back-talk, threats of violence, or threats of running away. Moms and dads of intense kids need to learn how to not escalate with them. You should speak in a matter-of-fact tone of voice with them. After an eruption is over, try to help them learn more appropriate ways of expressing themselves that will be less offensive to others around them.

6. MOOD is a measure of a youngster's disposition. Some kids complain a lot. Others smile a lot and are always content. Some tend toward optimistic, others pessimistic. Kids who are more serious may have an analytical way of looking at things. If they tend toward pessimism or negativity, you can use their analytical perspective to your advantage. Speaking in a measured tone, help them understand what is upsetting them; help them broaden their perspective. Help them see things in new, more adaptive, ways.

7. PERSISTENCE/FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE measures a youngster's ability to complete a task in the face of obstacles. Kids with low frustration tolerance tend to give up easily when something doesn't go easily. Children and teens with low frustration tolerance do not like to be left alone. Kids who are low in frustration tolerance can be helped to increase their persistence by gradually stretching out the “adult response-time” to their kid's demands for help. Try breaking tasks down into smaller and easier pieces. Encourage them to do something until they can complete it. Kids with high frustration tolerance can persist in the face of difficulties and are more comfortable entertaining themselves. They sometimes find it difficult to walk away from something unfinished. You can help by giving them advance warnings (e.g., “Dinner is in five minutes”).

8. REGULARITY measures how predictable or unpredictable a youngster's biological functions are (e.g., hunger, fatigue, bowel movements, etc.). “Irregular” kids will rarely do anything with any predictability. Moms and dads should resist nagging a youngster about eating with everyone else. Instead, try making healthy snacks and food available for when they ask for it. Kids who are more irregular may handle chaos and spontaneity better than kids who are very “regular” and who do better in predictable and structured environments.

9. SENSITIVITY is a measure of a youngster's sensory threshold. A youngster low in sensitivity is better equipped to handle a stimulating situation (e.g., crowds or shopping). A youngster high in sensitivity has a low tolerance for exciting or stimulating situations, and will be prone to meltdowns. He over-reacts to physical stimuli (e.g., sights, sounds, taste, smell, and touch). Sensible accommodations to help sensitive kids can make coping easier for the youngster (e.g., learning when to turn down the volume).

Understanding your son's temperament will go a long way toward helping him fit into a society that is quick to judge harshly behaviors and emotions that are "different." To the extent that a mother or father can learn to accept a youngster for who he is, it greatly helps that child or teen to learn to feel good about being himself.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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The Female Version of High-Functioning Autism

“What are some of the traits of high functioning autism that are unique to girls with the disorder?”

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) affect behavior, personality, and the way the child interacts with others. The symptoms of HFA in females are usually displayed in a more subtle manner, which often results in missed or incorrect professional diagnoses, a lack of access to special education services and provisions in school, and a greater chance of social and emotional problems in adulthood.

Several distinct differences exist in regard to the ways that females with HFA behave as compared to their male counterparts, for example:
  • “non-autistic” females will play with dolls by pretending that they are interacting socially, but HFA females may collect dolls and not use them to engage socially with their peers
  • a girl with HFA is more likely to have interests that are common to “typical” females, whereas an HFA male is more likely to have an unusual interest (e.g., a girl may be obsessed with horses, while a boy may be obsessed with AAA batteries)
  • acceptance from peers can sometimes mask the issues that these girls have so that they are not recognized by educators and parents, and as a result, they are less likely to suggest psychological and social evaluations for them
  • they are highly intelligent, but like their autistic counterparts, possess poor language skills 
  • they are not often aggressive when they get frustrated; instead, they tend to be withdrawn and can easily "fly under the radar" in classrooms and other social environments
  • fascination with certain subjects can lead to them lagging behind their peers in terms of maturity and age-appropriate behavior (e.g., a 13-year-old girl with HFA may be fascinated with stuffed animals or cartoons long after other peers her age have outgrown these things
  • females with HFA may be more likely to internalize their emotions and experience inward or passive signs of aggression, whereas males often express their feelings and frustrations through emotional outbursts (these gender-related behaviors may be part of the reason that fewer females are diagnosed)
  • females with the disorder often display obsessive tendencies in regard to animals, dolls, and other female-oriented interests
  • girls on the autism spectrum are often less talkative than other females their age 
  • they are often protected and nurtured by their “non-autistic” friends who help them cope with difficult social situations
  • girls with the disorder may be mistakenly assumed to have a personality disorder because they mimic typical kids, but use phrases inappropriately
  • they are intrigued with fantasies that include magical kingdoms, princesses, and other fairy tale elements 
  • their behaviors are more passive than those typical of males with HFA
  • girls on the spectrum often attempt to mimic the interests, behavior, and body language of others in an attempt to "fit in" – in fact, they become quite adept at this mimicking, causing them to elude diagnosis and treatment throughout life in many cases
  • they are more able to express their emotions in a calmer way than their male counterparts
  • they tend to be bored with others their age and have difficulty empathizing with peers

As females on the spectrum become adults, they may feel isolated because they react differently to certain "stressful" situations. Their comments can seem insensitive and uncaring, when in reality, they simply may not fully understand the concept of empathy. These young ladies often look for companionship with other adult females who have similar behavior patterns and outlook.

 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
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Signs That a Toddler May Have High-Functioning Autism

“I read the article ‘Can Parents Detect High-Functioning Autism In Their Infant?’ And I was wondering if I could get the answer to the same question – except for toddlers rather than infants? What are some of the symptoms of high functioning autism at that age approx.?”

While symptoms of High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are sometimes noticeable as early as infancy, many moms and dads sense something different about their undiagnosed youngster by his or her 3rd birthday. In some cases, early language skills are retained, but the lag in motor development may be the first sign that something is different than "typical" 3-year-old behavior.

Toddlers (approximately ages 1 to 4), may not show specific symptoms of HFA, but certain behavioral oddities may be noticed by parents as follows:
  • Actions (e.g., waving or giving a toy when asked) seem like simple tasks. However, to a youngster with HFA, these simple gestures may not occur "on schedule" and may instead be delayed. This is because such gestures involve interaction between the youngster and another individual, which are difficult for kids on the autism spectrum.
  • Anomalies in nonverbal communication are often apparent in these young people. A lack of eye contact may occur accompanied by limited facial expressions which correspond with words the toddler is speaking. The youngster may also exhibit unusual body movements and gestures. These anomalies become more apparent by the age of 3.
  • Joint attention is the concept that two individuals (e.g., child and parent) can be focused on the same thing (e.g., looking at a picture in a book together). A toddler with HFA may have a hard time getting this concept.
  • Most HFA toddlers need to establish rigid repetition and routine in their daily activities in order to minimize “meltdowns,” sensory overload, anxiety, etc.
  • A toddler with HFA may also show symptoms of ADHD. 
  • One of the developmental milestones of the first year of life is to be able to point to a desired object. By one year of age, a youngster will probably be pointing to objects that interest him or her. However, a toddler with HFA may not reach this milestone until later.
  • One of the most apparent symptoms of HFA in toddlers is their intense interest in a single topic (e.g., fans, trains or maps). They often want to know - and spend a lot of time trying to learn - about their hobby or interest, and they may use an advanced vocabulary and exhibit a high level of expertise on the subject.
  • Problems with motor skills are a common symptom. Delayed learning is usually noticeable in kids on the autism spectrum by the age of 3 (e.g., playing catch, potty training, learning to ride a bike, walking on tip toes, etc.). Their movement may be described as clumsy or uncoordinated. 
  • Repetitive interests and behaviors are defining components of the diagnosis of HFA. However, repetitive interests are essentially very normal in toddlers. While it is very difficult to determine with such young kids, some signs that behaviors and interests have crossed the line from, for example, "a normal toddler who loves planes" to "an obsessed toddler who seems too wrapped up in planes" may be noticed by parents. These include a very specific interest (e.g., not just "planes" but "the wings of planes") – an interest that is unusual compared to the HFA child’s peers (e.g., a 3-year-old who intensely focuses on AAA batteries). The child may also find it difficult to shift focus from the area of interest to other things.
  • Some toddlers on the autism spectrum will have an unusual sensitivity to loud sounds or lights. They may also be bothered by other physical stimuli (e.g., sensitivity to the way certain clothing or material feels, the need to have their socks to be on their feet in a particular way, etc.).
  • The interests of a toddler with HFA tend to be very limited, causing the youngster to have a verynarrow focus of activities and interests.
  • The child may seem to have one-sided social interaction and limited ability to form friendships.
  • He or she may often talk incessantly about one subject, without acknowledging the listener.
  • Toddler’s with HFA usually have difficulty in social situations (e.g., imaginative play with other kids).
  • They are often not diagnosed until later in childhood as they sometimes learn to read very early. The perceived advancement overshadows the fact that the youngster with HFA often can’t comprehend the words he or she is reading.
  • Unlike toddlers with autism, a toddler with HFA generally does not experience difficulties in language development and speech. Vocabulary is often advanced with HFA, though as language develops, the parent may notice that the youngster has difficulty properly using his or her vocabulary.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Can Parents Detect High-Functioning Autism In Their Infant?

“Are there some symptoms of high functioning autism that can be observed in infants? My daughter has a son, 7 months old, and she is worried that he may have this condition. Is it too early to tell?”

High-Functioning Autism (ASD level 1) consists of problems with socializing and communication with others. While the average age of diagnosis of is around age 7 to 9, recent research regarding early warnings signs may enable clinicians to diagnosis prior to 12 months.

Many infants and toddlers exhibit signs or symptoms of HFA from time to time; however, this may reflect normal child behavior. Failure to meet expected developmental milestones doesn’t necessarily reflect a symptom of the disorder.

With these facts in mind, some symptoms of HFA may be detected in infancy:
  • Some kids with HFA fail to attain certain “expected” milestones within the first year (e.g., unassisted standing, crawling, simple gestures including waving, etc.).
  • An infant with HFA may fail to interact appropriately with his or her environment (e.g., avoid eye contact and interactions, prefer solitude, avoid attention or affection, etc.).
  • Later in infancy, some may show problems reacting with activities and objects (e.g., over react - or fail to react at all). 
  • Initial signs of repetitive behaviors may emerge at this time (e.g., rocking).
  • Babies with HFA can exhibit abnormal methods of non-verbal communication (e.g., failure to look another person in the eye and have appropriate facial expressions, failure to exhibit predictable body postures or gestures). 
  • They may not exhibit a social smile until much later on in life. 
  • Infants no the autism spectrum may totally ignore the voices of the parents or strangers, or conversely cry and become irritable when confronted with any form of social contact. 
  • The child’s first words are often unusual. For example, more complex words, such as "mountain" or "sheetrock" may emerge before simpler words, such as "Mama" or "Dada."
  • They may become obsessed with complex topics (e.g., intricate patterns or music).
  • These kids may be unable to focus on any other aspect of the environment once they notice the object of their obsession. 
  • Uncoordinated movements are a common symptom in HFA. Kids with the disorder may be seen moving clumsily and be unable to coordinate movements of the hands or feet. They may exhibit an odd posture or have a stiff, rigid gait. In addition, they may show a delay in learning how to crawl or walk, and can exhibit a delay in fine motor movements (e.g., grasping an object).
  • Infants with HFA appear to demonstrate abnormal reflexes versus “normal” kids. They tend to exhibit a persistence of the asymmetrical tonic neck reflex beyond their fourth month of life (when the reflex generally disappears). When infants 4 months and older without HFA roll over, they turn in the same direction that their head is facing. Asymmetrical tonic neck reflex is the opposite of this (i.e., the infant turns over in the opposite direction to where the head is facing). 
  • They may lack reflexes that should develop by a certain age, such as the head-verticalization reflex at 6 to 8 months. An infant who has developed this reflex will maintain his head in a vertical position when his body is tilted. Infants with HFA show delays in this reflex (i.e., their heads will tilt along with their bodies).

Detecting HFA is crucial in improving the long-term outcomes for these kids. Prevention of later life problems may be avoided with early intervention. Therefore, knowledge of early symptoms of the disorder in infants remains paramount in mitigating outcomes.
 

 
 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Tips for Teachers: Strengths-Based Education for Kids on the Spectrum




==> Struggling with your "special needs" student? Click here for highly effective teaching strategies specific to the Aspergers and HFA condition.
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