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"Best-of" Tips for Parenting Children on the Autism Spectrum

Here is a concise, cut-to-the-chase list of perhaps the most important (yet simple) strategies for parents of kids with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA):

1. A child with HFA will act differently from your other kids. You will have to learn new and different ways to help and teach this youngster.

2. Adolescents are usually able to manage stressors better, and behavior problems at school may be less of an issue. However the fatigue that comes from this control may lead to the adolescent 'falling apart' at home.

3. As other children become more sophisticated with interpersonal relationships, it can become more difficult for a student with HFA to be involved in friendship groups, although they may be able to participate well in special interest groups such as science groups. When managing social interactions is difficult, some solitary time can be needed and should not be seen as a 'problem'.

4. HFA is just a label …it’s not a death sentence.

5. Be "concrete" with your child. Tell him that the inappropriate thing he wants or the unacceptable behavior that he is demonstrating is not allowed. He needs to follow structured, consistent rules which will assist in modifying his behavior. Don't give in to raising your voice and getting angry with your "special needs" child - no matter how hard it is not to.
 
6. Don't be ashamed and hide a child’s disability, be it high functioning autism or low-functioning autism. Most people know someone or love someone with the disorder, and speaking openly about it may help in finding others who need and want to talk about the conditions and their children.

7. Help educators to think about the best way to teach your youngster and make changes to the classroom that will help his learning experience. Teachers will also want to know about the ways that you have learned to manage your youngster's behavior and any special routines or interests that your youngster has and how he communicates.

8. Enlist the help of your Higher Power (I call him God).

9. Establish a daily routine. Consistent behaviors and expectations will help reduce your child's negative behaviors. Daily routine creates stability and comfort for children on the autism spectrum. Also, it helps to lessen their need to make demands on you. When you establish a routine, you eliminate some of the situations in which your child becomes demanding (e.g., by building in regular times to give him attention, he may have less need to show aggression to try to get your attention).

10. Fatigue after school is often a problem, and facing up to homework at the end of the day can be very stressful. You may need to negotiate with educators about the learning objectives of homework and what your youngster actually needs to do. Since many children with the disorder can focus well in some classes (especially those that are built on 'facts'), they may not need the repetitive learning tasks that other children need for some subjects.

11. Find a support group. There are many organizations that want to help mothers/fathers with special needs kids. However, moms and dads can also research the community for what is best for children who are on the Autism Spectrum.

12. Get to know your youngster’s teacher and meet regularly, along with your youngster, to talk about any issues that arise.

13. If anxiety is so overwhelming that it is interfering with your youngster's ability to manage normal activities, medication may be helpful. You will need to see your doctor to arrange this.

14. If you think your youngster has HFA, or one of the other disorders within the autism spectrum, it is best to have an assessment as soon as possible. There may be a waiting time for an assessment.

15. It is better to find out that a child is on the Autism Spectrum now than to wait until he or she is older. There are many things moms and dads can do to make their child’s future the best it can be. The sooner a parent gets a child who is on the Autism Spectrum treatment the better his or her future will be.
 

16. It may be helpful for you to arrange to attend a staff meeting to inform school staff about autism spectrum disorder - and what this means for your youngster.

17. Moms and dads do not cause the disorder - and should not blame themselves.

18. Offer ways of understanding humor or typical childhood banter that uses available environmental cues.

19. Refer to boundaries as the lines that keep people within the relationship road they are supposed to be on.

20. Secondary school can be very stressful for children with HFA, because of the daily challenges of having several different educators, having to move between classrooms and have different timetables each day. These changes can cause considerable confusion and anxiety for someone who is very resistant to change.

21. Set strategies and routines in place for your youngster that can be followed at home and at school (e.g., regarding acceptable behavior, consequences, dealing with anger and frustration).

22. Stress-management techniques may be helpful to control anxiety in older kids with the disorder.

23. Support from other moms and dads can be important.

24. Think of the social world as a variety of "relationship road maps" that your child needs to perceive accurately and use talking tools to be able to follow.

25. Try some behavior modification. You must determine what need the “bad” behavior is fulfilling, and then teach him a replacement behavior that will satisfy the need.

26. When you enroll your youngster at a preschool or school, talk to school staff about your child’s special needs.

27. You do not have to wait for a diagnosis before you can get help. You can seek support from professionals (e.g., a psychologist, pediatrician, speech pathologist, behavior therapist).

28. You should let school staff know if your youngster is sensitive to certain sounds, smells or being touched. This will help them develop appropriate plans for your youngster.

29. Your youngster will probably need clear routines, and if there have to be changes, he will need lots of warning.

30. Your child must learn to appropriately communicate the cause of his aggression and get his needs met through that insight.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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How to Explain Your ASD Child's "Annoying" Behavior to the Siblings

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Don't Feed Your Child's Desire to Push Your Buttons

 
 

Best Comment: 

This is so true especially for the ADHD aspect. I wish it didn't take me 10 years to put on this poker face. lol The thing is I did reward him for good behavior. I would also give him $10 for any unsolisiticed compliment I got on him (and there were lots that I was happy to share with him). The problem with my son is his self esteem (because he fed into bad/rebellious behavior) which he knew was wrong but he was impulsive. So a heads up to the parent of the rebel. Kids don't learn unless they pay some consequences and they are going "to expect you to come to their aid". Don't because they pushed it to far. Teach them about "boundaries" and "consequences" but also tell them you love them a lot. They are sad that they are behaving this way (for attn and are not sure how to "fix it") because they've done this so long. Hopefully the maturity level will eventually "click or catch up" and they will learn to be looking for good attention and give out good attention and vibes. "Strike that, reverse it." has been our motto around here (especially for his negative thoughts). Also, getting your kid to realize he should live a clean life (no substances or alcohol) is important. It's even more harmful to their brains.

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"Reward Systems" for Kids on the Spectrum: Are They Effective?

Question

Reward systems …do they work? We are trying to come up with some kind of reward system and what works??? Stickers? When he completes an assignment, he does not want to work at all, only on his terms.

Answer

Even though rewards can inspire a youngster with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's to cooperate, you will need to differentiate between discipline and behavior modification. Offering your child stickers for what you would like him to do will often produce initial results.

Having said that, the newness of the incentive plan will wear off (sometimes rather quickly), and you will still have to impose negative consequences for improper conduct when it happens.

Obviously, much will depend on your son. A young child that is naturally driven towards approval may react to positive reinforcement. Sticker rewards may prove a terrific success! A young child that learns from bumping-up against the boundaries might be much less responsive to this method. Searching for approval and limit-testing are both typical ways for a youngster to learn to "go by the guidelines," and many kids require some of each.

What exactly are your household policies? Clear expectations and consistent consequences would be the secrets of success in creating cooperation all through your son's development. An alternative choice to a reward system is to develop a family environment of cooperative expectation from the beginning. Guidelines can include that we all brush our teeth each morning, comb our hair, wash our faces and eat breakfast.

Genuine cooperation entails that I do something for you and you do something for me. Cooperative children are compensated with privileges, like visiting the zoo, receiving a new lunch box or even a brand new toy. Cooperation can also be compensated with simply feeling connected to members of the family.

Sticker reinforcement centers your youngster on the accumulation of "goodies," as opposed to the spirit of cooperation. It may however, provide a quick start to cooperative conduct. Mothers and fathers should be prepared to cope with setting boundaries and motivating behavior through expectation and natural consequences in the end.

A word of warning: Be sure to separate actions from emotions. Moms and dads occasionally have impractical expectations that the youngster feel happy about cooperating. In the event the morning regimen is to put your clothes on before arriving at the breakfast table, your son need not like doing it, but he must accept it.

Reflecting your son's feelings can help him cooperate, instead of "act out" with a meltdown. For example,  "You are angry right this moment, I understand; however, you must still put your clothing on before arriving at the breakfast table. Then we can read our morning tale".

The method here is that there is a natural incentive, organic to the cooperation involved in family life. When the youngster chooses not to cooperate, then this may produce a negative result of not having time for his morning story.

Make room for feelings AND expect your child to do his part in the family. If the consequences are not overly strict and the expectations are fairly realistic to your son's development, cooperation will become a family affair.

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You Are Your ASD Child's Parent - and Advocate!

"The psychiatrist has told us that our son Travis has Autism (high functioning). Should my husband and I tell other people, for example teachers, that he has this? I'm not sure if making others aware of this will make it better or worse for Travis."

The short answer is 'yes'. Most (but not necessarily all) of the people in your child's life should know of his condition. And since you are the expert on your son, you should be the one to explain it. Your job is to advocate for your child, and you can't do this if you keep everyone in the dark about what is going on.

As a parent, you’re the one who has spent the most time with your child and, with or without a formal education in Autism Spectrum Disorders, you have already figured out what works and what doesn’t (or are coming close to figuring it out).

As an expert on your child, you may find yourself being his advocate all the time. Much of this advocacy happens in the classroom. You’ll need to tell your child’s teacher what techniques work best, what triggers him, and what calms him down.

If you find that the school system is just dragging your son along without actually educating him, you’ll need to advocate by talking to the the principal, superintendent, or even a lawyer. It may take all of these people to get the school system to take your child’s education seriously.

You may choose to spend a little time observing or volunteering in your child’s classroom. This can help you see what’s going on, and can provide you with the information you need to be the best advocate you can be.

You may also need to be your son’s advocate with your child’s doctor(s). Too often, they spend just a few minutes with a child, thus they may need to hear from you the reality of what’s going on in your household on a daily basis. Prepare yourself with a list of questions and comments to share with the doctor when you meet with him/her.

You may also need to advocate for your child with the public that still doesn’t completely understand Autism Spectrum Disorders. If, for example, you want your son to join the Boy Scouts or take piano lessons, you’ll need to explain to people about his condition and tell them what they can expect when working with him.

Some people, including teachers, can have some trepidation about Autism, and some don't fully understand the severity levels of the disorder. As a result, they may shy away from dealing with children who suffer from it. With your honest and forthright advocacy, you can teach others about this disorder - and specifically about your son so that he gets the best care and education possible.
 



 
What other parents have had to say on this topic:

•    Anonymous said...  When they know It gives everyone a better understanding. My daughter is going into 3rd grade and both her and i could not have done it without the teachers support.
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely! but be sure to tell them this is the reason he behaves the way he does but it's not an excuse for any bad behavior. He will obviously need more structured and repetitive reinforcement of what the correct way to behave is but at no time should you ever say..oh he only does that because he has Aspergers.. The more information you can get and give, the easier it will be for you and everyone involved in your sons life to understand him better
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely! Yes! It'll get him the help he needs in school.
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely!! Your son needs special support in class and at home. My daughter has Aspergers and ADHD. She had a very hard time in school last year, but with the help of her teacher, guidance counselor, school psychologist and special needs services, she made wonderful progress. Social skills groups are also really helpful.
Good luck!!
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely. I have grandchildren who have been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Two have along with it. And the oldest has Tourettes along with his. The first and foremost thing that needs to occur is to teach him and yourselves everything you can find out about his special circumstance. So that all of you can grow with his needs. Then teach him never to never to be ashamed of who he is. His confidence will help him through challenge he may face. Embrace him for who he is and assist him by never letting him feel like he needs to hide who he really is as a person. Blessings to you and your child on your journey.
•    Anonymous said... better ...socially it explains a lot -my son got kicked out of 1st grade ...doing much better now that he & his teaches have a plan & extra help when necessary...
•    Anonymous said... Definitely! He needs an IEP (individualized education plan) and hopefully an understanding teacher and other faculty members. He will have special needs to get the education he deserves and being silent won't help him get those. Speak up on his behalf and best wishes.
•    Anonymous said... Definitely! People can't be understanding & supportive if they don't know. If he struggles at school at all you'll want an IEP to set up support for him.
•    Anonymous said... For those who asked, in Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, a student qualifies for a 504 plan if he or she has a diagnosis (physical or mental) that substantially limits major life activities (such as learning). In my daughter's case, she already had a gifted EP. We did not want to drop that for an IEP (you can't have both). Her diagnosis of Aspergers, anxiety and Irlen Syndrome (a type of visual stress) qualified her for a 504. We asked for a meeting with all of her teachers and her guidance counselor. They approved accommodations for extra time on tests & assignments, testing In an alternate location if needed, use of a colored overlay for reducing visual stress and preferential seating in class depending on her needs. Also, since the teachers are aware of this, they tend to pay more attention to her and let me know when she's not having a good day. Also, it does not have to be reviewed every year, only if there are changes. I hope this is helpful, it has been invaluable for us!
•    Anonymous said... I find it helps people see my son w/ understanding rather than judgement.
•    Anonymous said... I talk to his teachers at the start of every year. It is nothing to be ashamed of so why hide it? He is also not allowed to use it as an excuse for his behavior though. They can support him best when they know his diagnosis. I also want them to know he is on meds for his ADHD in case something happens and they need to call the ambulance. He is pretty clumsy.
•    Anonymous said... I tell everyone that way they understand and help my 9 year old son in saying that his school has a seu on site as well
•    Anonymous said... I'm curious to a lot of things here, like, how old is your child? Has he struggled in school in the past? Does he have great difficulty with his peers, teachers, etc?
•    Anonymous said... It would be difficult for teaches to work with your son if they do not understand his unique ways. My school, teacher, Vice principal work with me & my sin.
•    Anonymous said... Speaking as a parent who only recently had our son 'diagnosed' with Aspergers, I would advocate telling all involved with these unique children. Our son is 14 , and we have experienced years of phone calls from school re 'meltdowns' and other behavior issues as we were ignorant to his unique 'wiring' and while parental instinct helps to negotiate how best to help your children, the teachers and 'bullies' didn't have the same understanding.Now the school is aware, wow! The change in attitude and teaching styles have been extraordinary- much more understanding and positive - We need to advocate and destigmatise - with understanding comes empathy- You wouldn't hide information about a child with Diabetes or Anaphylaxis!
•    Anonymous said... Tell them. Communication is key. And get an IEP-it offers built in protections as well as services. More schools are doing education training on autism, so if the school personnel know you will have a lot less headaches in the future. Trust me--I am a parent of an Aspie and a teacher!
•    Anonymous said... Yes yes!! Please share with the teachers it will only help with understanding and get him the help he deserves!! My son has Aspergers and sensory issues. He has an IEP and he is mainstreamed and doing great!! I agree with all the other comments as well!
•    Anonymous said... Yes! My son has an iep and it works great for him. The teachers understand and are trained to deal with them better and it runs alot smoother. The teacher my son had. Keep in contact with me during the day via text. If she noticed something she would text me. And i would give her different options on how to do things. It went easier during the day.
•    Anonymous said... Yes!!! If you don't have an IEP, you need to have a 504 asap. It has been absolutely essential for my daughter (high functioning Aspie and gifted student). It allows her extra time on tests/assignments and she gets preferential seating (away from noise or disruptive students, etc).
•    Anonymous said... Yes, people are more understanding when they know and he can get the support he needs. I know it has benefitted my son and he has gotten the extra help in school he needs
•    Anonymous said... Yes, tell them. Nowadays, it is looked upon in a positive light. My son was having issues with his teeth, but he did not want to go to the dentist. But, when we explained it to his awesome dentist he immediately said so many complimentary things about Aspergers. That made him want to go back for every appt. Thankfully, now his teeth are beautiful! People aren't as closed minded about it.
•    Anonymous said... Absolutely tell them - tell his teachers, his childcare providers, any summer camp counselors, sports coaches, et al. It gives them a window into his world and that's a good thing. And just know that this doesn't make Travis anything other than an amazing and wonderful child who just happens to have some extra "add-on features". My son, Carson, used to ask me, "Mom, am I weird? Cuz kids think I'm weird." I would say to him, "Yay! Yay for being weird! Yay for being different! You will help make the world so very, very interesting! Don't you ever think for a moment that there's anything wrong with being different." Now he tells people quite readily that he has Aspergers! When they ask him what that means, he says, "Oh, it just means that my brain works differently than yours."
•    Anonymous said... I think one of the key things is to discuss it with him. Ensure he understands what ASD means for him and that he has strengths and difficulties. Ask him if he wants others to know and explain who and your reasons why. The staff at my sons school know but he has chosen for his friends not to know - I imagine a couple of them do as their parents know. He should be consulted though as it's all about him.
•    Anonymous said... I would make them aware hunni, then they are equipped to deal with any extra support he may need x
•    Anonymous said... It protects him if he has anger outbursts... Better to protect him than let him be considered the anti social angry kid
•    Anonymous said... They do need to be aware, sometime you might need an IEP for him
•    Anonymous said... they need to know so he can get the best care & tell them about any little "quirks" so they can't be misinterpreted as him being badly behaved, not listening, etc.
•    Anonymous said... We have had nothing but support. It's not something to feel ashamed about. It's a gift. I know it's hard to see that now but it is. Kids like this see the world differently then others. The things my son comes up with just make me laugh. We have our bad days but we are starting have a lot more great days. Try ability th ey have found it helps. My son has the anger and aggression type of aspergers. Just keep researching and talking about it. It will all be okay
•    Anonymous said... yes, tell them, otherwise you may run the risk of people jjust thinking he's a 'bad' or 'naughty' or 'disruptive' child

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