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How To Tell Your Adult Child That You Think He Has ASD

Question

What issues should I consider when contemplating broaching high functioning autism to my 21-year-old son? I want to help him -- he has no social life, lives at home, is rigid in his habits...in short is on the spectrum in both me and my husband's opinion. Should we tell him what we're thinking?


Answer

Re: Should we tell him what we're thinking?

Yes. My bias is that it is better to know than not to know. If somebody has High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger's and doesn’t know, it affects him anyway.

If the person does know, he may be able to minimize the negative impact and leverage the positive. Without the knowledge that you have the disorder, you often fill that void with other, more damaging explanations (e.g., I'm just a failure, weird, stupid, etc.).

Re: What issues should I consider when contemplating broaching Aspergers to my 28-year-old son?
  1. Lead with strengths! ALL people on the autism spectrum have significant areas of strength (even if this has not been translatable into tangible success). Bring up areas of strength with your son. 
  2. Next, tactfully point out the areas in which he is struggling. 
  3. Then, suggest that there is a name for this confusing combination of strengths and struggles, and it might be "High-Functioning Autism."

Once the question of HFA has been raised, your son may wonder if he should pursue an official diagnosis. For some young adults, doing their own research through support and information organizations, books, the Internet, etc., provides the best explanation and enough answers regarding difficulties that they have faced, as well as the unique strengths that they may possess. Others may prefer a formal diagnosis from a professional. Either form of discovery is perfectly acceptable.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance
By

High-Functioning Autistic [ASD Level 1] Children and Difficulty with Reciprocal Social Interactions

Many kids with ASD or High-Functioning Autism have an inability (or a lack of desire) to interact with their friends and classmates. Moms and dads are often concerned with their youngster’s interactions with others and the quality of those interactions.

It is very important to observe how your child interacts with same-age peers. Below are a few of the reasons a youngster with ASD has difficulty finding and keeping friends. 

The child:

1.  Compromises interactions by rigidity, inability to shift attention or “go with the flow,” being rule bound, and needs to control the play/activity

2.  Displays a lack of desire to interact

3.  Displays a limited awareness of current topics, activities, songs, etc.

4.  Displays a limited awareness of the emotions of others and/or how to respond to them, for example, does not:
  • ask for help from others
  • know how to respond when help is given
  • know how to respond to compliments
  • realize the importance of apologizing
  • realize something he says or does can hurt the feelings of another
  • differentiate internal thoughts from external thoughts
  • respond to the emotions another is displaying (missed cues)

5.  Displays narrow play and activity choices (note: best observed during unstructured play/leisure activities: look for rigidity/patterns/repetitive choices, inability to accept novelty)
 
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
6.  Does not care about her inability to interact with others because she has no interest in doing so. She prefers solitary activities and does not have the need to interact with others, or she is socially indifferent and can take it or leave it with regard to interacting with others.

7.  Engages in unusual behaviors or activities (e.g., selects play or activity choices of a younger child, seems unaware of the unwritten social rules among peers, acts like an imaginary character, uses an unusual voice — any behaviors that call attention to the child or are viewed as unusual by peers).

8.  Initiates play interaction by taking a toy or starting to engage in an ongoing activity without gaining verbal agreement from the other players, will ignore a negative response from others when asking to join in, will abruptly leave a play interaction.

9.  Spends all free time completely consumed by areas of special interest. Her activities are so rule bound, it would be almost impossible for a peer to join in correctly. When asked about preferred friends, the child is unable to name any or names those who are really not friends (e.g., family members, teachers).

10.  Is unable to select activities that are of interest to others (unaware or unconcerned that others do not share the same interest or level of interest, unable to compromise).

11.  Lacks an understanding of game playing — unable to share, unable to follow the rules of turn taking, unable to follow game-playing rules (even those that may appear quite obvious), is rigid in game playing (may want to control the game or those playing and/or create her own set of rules), always needs to be first, unable to make appropriate comments while playing, and has difficulty with winning/losing.

12.  Lacks conversational language for a social purpose, does not know what to say — this could be no conversation, monopolizing the conversation, lack of ability to initiate conversation, obsessive conversation in one area, conversation not on topic or conversation that is not of interest to others.

13.  Lacks the ability to understand, attend to, maintain, or repair a conversational flow or exchange — this causes miscommunication and inappropriate responses (unable to use the back-and-forth aspect of communication).

14.  Observes or stays on the periphery of a group rather than joining in.

15.  Prefers structured over non-structured activities.

16. Sits apart from others, avoids situations where involvement with others is expected (e.g., playgrounds, birthday parties, being outside in general), and selects activities that are best completed alone (e.g., computer games, Game Boy, books, viewing TV/videos, collecting, keeping lists).

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Fail-Safe Method for Setting Your High-Functioning Autistic Child Up for Success

If you have few (if any) chances to "catch your child in the act of doing something right" (because he rarely behaves in accordance with your expectations), then use a bit of reverse psychology. In other words, catch him in the act of "not doing something wrong."




Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Educating Others About Your Child's "Odd" Behavior

"My 8 year old son is going to begin testing in a few weeks. I'm not sure if he has high functioning autism or not, but he sure has many of the behaviors and tendencies. He does have sensory issues and severe anxiety. My question is about the constant judgment and ignorance of other parents and teachers. I do have plenty of supportive friends, but recently I've had some intense altercations with my son's teacher (saying he's only "oppositional" with me, he's fine at school and this is "something I need to work out in therapy"). Her comment was so ignorant - she knew nothing about his level of anxiety, his sensory issues or how he melts at the end of each day after just trying to hold it together. I also had another mom leave our playdate the other day because of inappropriate behavior (slamming a door b/c of frustration). She couldn't believe I let that happen. Ugh!! My parents and even husband have called me a pushover and too "soft" with my son. I feel like ALL of the blame is put on me!! I look forward to getting some answers through testing so I can educate others about the extreme difficulty and unpredictable nature of parenting a child with these challenges. It has been a very lonely and deflating parenting experience. Does anyone else have this experience or advice? Thank You!"


You are not alone. This is a very common dilemma for parents of kids on the autism spectrum. Here are some concrete tips to help others understand High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's:
 
  • Ask others how they would feel if they were stuck in a foreign country where they could not make anybody understand what they wanted. Point out that this is how your youngster feels.
  • Describe the kinds of social interactions HFA kids have problems with (e.g., it is difficult for them to understand how to connect effectively with their peer group). It's not because of behavioral problems – it is how their brain works.
  • Educate people about the level of functioning these "special needs" kids can have. Tell them about different skills they find challenging (e.g., making eye contact, accepting change, showing appropriate emotions, etc.).
  • Explain that HFA is a form of autism and that it is on a “spectrum” (i.e., there are different levels of severity). Not all sufferers act like the "Rain Man."
  • Explain that your youngster's inappropriate behavior comes from misunderstanding, not contrariness.
  • Explain to others that the disorder is, in some instances, a part of your child’s personality and not simply just a physical disability.
  • Many people make the mistake of associating HFA with a sickness or a disease. Remind them that it is neither and that it is just something your child has to contend with having.
  • Soothe other people's discomfort about repetitive or strange actions by telling them that it has to do with how your child’s brain processes information. Assure them that your child can't help this behavior.
  • Educate people about the nature of the disorder. It's neurological, not psychological or behavioral. It has an organic origin.




  
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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What other parents have to say about this issue:

•    Anonymous said…  I'm going to play devils advocate here, teachers are over worked with way too many students. I've worked in a school and with special needs and see how passionate the teachers are. Even if your child is main stream the teachers (most) do their best with the resources at their disposal and with the professional development offered. Most go above and beyond, and there are other children that need to learn also sorry to say but your child can't be their only priority.
•    Anonymous said… I have issues with my sons school too. Teachers are terrible ignorant and arrogant bullies. Ive called the minster of education in twice within the 2yrs hes attended. His anxiety of going to school is extreme now because of what the teachers have done to him.
•    Anonymous said… I have the issues with my daughters school x
•    Anonymous said… Most of my son's teachers have been great, but this year is not going very well. His teacher sent a very judgmental email yesterday and he reported she humiliated him in front of his classmates after sending the email. It is heartbreaking and brings out the mama bear in me.
•    Anonymous said… My child was always a hand full and difficult. With 20 to 25 other children to deal with on a daily basis the teacher doesn't have time to give the child individual time. If the child is a challenge at home, one can only image school. There is going to be some tension. That is reality. I'm thankful my teenager did not give his teacher a mental breakdown. Some child are a real challenge and some are not. Challenge at home and challenge at school.... I'm not going to trash the teacher. Teachers need to educate themselves on behaviour patterns, triggers, meltdowns, repetitive behaviors, and sensory. There are tools to help teachers have a much better day. Some teachers feel like it is not their job to go the extra mile. This is sad but true.
•    Anonymous said… My daughter is the same way thankfully her school is working with me and accommodating all of her needs. For those who are having school issues. Has your child been diagnosed!
•    Anonymous said… My son does have a diagnosis and most of his teachers have been eager to learn and work as a team to provide for his needs. This year he has a teacher who is nearing retirement and is very judgmental and ignorant. She believes his executive functioning deficit does not exist and he is merely lazy. Yesterday she sent an email, berating him and us, to his team of teachers and aides. We live in a very rural area and education is lacking on ASD, ADHD, and many learning disorders. Each year I enter the school armed to teach the teacher about his many diagnosis. Some years it is well received, other years I am talking to the wall. It sounds like your school is very supportive and that is awesome!
•    Anonymous said… We have my son in a very small private school. There are 6 in his class and he is doing very well so far. I agree with what some of the others have said... 20-25 kids in a class is overwhelming to the teacher as well as any student, but especially an Asperger's student.
•    Anonymous said… Well that is very unfortunate that she is that way. Maybe go to the school board or request a new teacher? Sorry just trying to give you ideas. Sounds like you are doing everything you can and that is awesome. Some people just don't get it. And no matter how much info you give or educate them they are just ignorant on the subject. I will pray for you and I hope things get better for you, my heart goes out to you!!
•    Anonymous said… Some parents do not want to have evaluations done because they would rather not have a diagnoses. However, as you point out,it would be comforting for you to have a diagnoses because then others will have to believe what you have been trying to tell them. Furthermore with a professional evaluation then it is much easier to have support and accommodations set up in school for your child.
•    Anonymous said... My son is five years old. The testing came back pdd-nos however his dr. says he has aspergers from my reading i do agree. I have been told for years that i spoil my son. I don't feel that i spoiled him i was just trying to avoid the meltdown. I told a friend about his diagnoses. She said but he has feelings. How do I explain to people who really have no clue without getting upset. Maybe I said something about it to soon because I am still having trouble with it.
•    Anonymous said... My 5 year old son has Asbergers. I noticed differences in him since he was very young. He practiced things forever over and over until he got it. He wakes up if you are not next to him. It takes hours to put him down. I am a single parent with no help from his father. He has a super high vocabulary and is very intelligent. He has been in daycare forever. I also put him in OT for sensory issues and into a social group. All have helped. His overly precise language drives me crazy. His tantrums are unbelievable and exhausting at times. I pick my battles with him. When he gets edgy and we have plans a few hours later, I push him tell he melts to avoid a melt down later. When his meltdown is beginning to come and we are in public I either leave or give in to avoid a melt down and when people give me a look in the store I say he is on the Autism Spectrum and walk away. No one knows what Asbergers is only Autism. I put him on sport teams that are fast paced. I found a coach with an Asbergers son. He will be on his team Forever. I talk to mothers who go through the same things as me. I educate those I can and IGNORE those I can't. I have chosen to let some friends go because I am tired of the judgments. Teaching Special Ed High School Kids I realize that his tantrums will become less frequent and long. I spend my time educating my family and my mom helps. It is tough, but you have to see your son's strengths build them and work on their weaknesses with Specialists. In fact I am beginning to take my son to a speech therapist for Communication Speech and to help him Generalize. Good luck

Post your comment below…
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
By

Is My Child Melting Down or Simply Tantrumming?

Meltdown or tantrum? Do you sometimes wonder which one your child is doing? This video will explain the difference...




Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

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Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
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