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Should you homeschool your ASD child due to bullying in the public school?

"I've decided to home-school my son (high functioning autistic) starting next year (even though it's in the middle of school year) because of the bullying that is going on in his public school this year. Am I being over-protective? Also, how can autistic children be helped with bullying so they can return to public school at some point?"

Unfortunately, the majority of kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA), or ASD level 1, experience bullying or victimization at school. There are many reasons for this, but mainly it is because these young people stand out from typically developing children due to their problems in social situations.

Kids who bully are socially savvy and are able to keep from getting caught, which makes bullying difficult to spot and stop. Children on the autism spectrum have a low social IQ, so they either do not notice the bullying, retaliate, or get the blame for it shifted onto them! It is the responsibility of parents and teachers to address this issue.

Your decision to home-school your son is a wise one in this situation. Be sure that he knows he must tell you right away when he is bullied. Warn him against being aggressive or provoking the bully. Help him practice being assertive and not showing fear. Encourage your son to stick with friends at all times when he is away from home. Also, warn him against trying to appease the bully (e.g., if the bully says he should steal something and then they’ll be friends, your son should be taught how to say no).

The myth of the over-protective mom in this case is bogus. Parents MUST assume a protective role with their "special needs" sons and daughters. These kids are extremely vulnerable, and independence should be introduced gradually in controlled, non-threatening situations.

Your next step is to see if anti-bullying laws exist in your area and get a copy of the law. Your son’s rights are contained in these laws. Many states have anti-bullying laws that should contain the following:
  1. The word “bullying” must be used in the bill/law/statutes and the law must mandate programs, using the word “shall.” Some other words used are, “hate crimes” harassment, discrimination, or intimidation.
  2. The law must be an anti-bullying law, not a school safety law. Anti-bullying laws discuss individual student.
  3. There must be definitions of bullying and harassment. Any child can be a bullying victim and all children should be protected.
  4. There should be recommendations on how the policy will be implemented. 
  5. An effective law involves education specialists at all levels, i.e.; the State Superintendent of Education’s office, school district and school personnel, parents and students.
  6. Laws should include a date by which policies must be in effect.
  7. There must be consequences for reprisal, retaliation, or false accusations and procedures for reporting bullying anonymously.
  8. There must be school district protection against lawsuits. Parents of bullies should know that they can be sued for their child’s behavior and school districts should know that they can be sued if they fail to comply with anti-bullying law.

Next, make an appointment with the school principal to see a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy. The vast majority of schools have disciplinary policies to address this type of misconduct. Explain what happened to your son and demand to know what steps are being taken so that he can return to school without harassment.

If the school principal refuses to cooperate with you to get bullying in the school stopped, speak to the School Board, publicly stating what is happening. You will get a response! If you know of other bullying victims, get their moms and dads to work with you. If the school district still won’t cooperate, get a child advocate or attorney and take steps to see that they do.

Notify the police if your son is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that a bully is required by law to have no contact with him. Take legal action.




COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

Anonymous said... As an adult on the spectrum, I will say the only thing that ever worked was fighting back, physically if necessary. Teachers normally did not intervene when they witnessed bullying. Parent and teacher intervention was not effective, and the teachers didn't really care. Teachers generally did not take insults, kicking, or another student threatening to stab me with a pocket knife seriously. Their responses: "Just ignore them" and (if I was merely being called a "psycho retard nerd" or being told to go to a mental institution) talking about sticks and stones. When I was 9, I did stupid things because I thought my classmates had a right to order me to. When I was 11, bullies made my life a living hell. By the time I was 13, I knew to hit back and the turds found other kids to pick on. I later unlearned this behavior in high school (no longer necessary), and about half the kids who picked on me went on to (found this out by searching public records online) have criminal records. My boyfriend (also on the spectrum) had a similar experience, except that he started fighting back a couple years later and his school life became tolerable a couple years later. If the school is truly interested in intervening that's one thing, but more often they gave it lip service and then turn a blind eye. And the kids know it.

Anonymous said... My son's SpEd Teacher designated an aid to be on recess to make sure kids didn't bully or talk him into doing unsafe things.

Anonymous said... I took my Son out of school 7 years ago for the same reason. I was in the office everyday for 2 weeks begging them to make the kids stop or punish them for it. They did NOTHING, actually blamed him for it. So I took his education in my hands. well his actually, we went for unschooling, and it has been great. The fighting about going to school stopped of course, who wants to get hit everyday for nothing. I had no idea he had Aspergers until April this year. As for how to get a stop to it, who knows. Seems the schools don't care so we have to protect our kids the best way we can.

Anonymous said... Very little can actually be done..schools try..they say they have zero tolerance...they have these policies but I too have found not much can be done and who has the time or energy to take on the system when you have to deal with day to day issues. Home schooling also fixed this problem for me and my child. And boy am I tired of hearing about the lack of socialization...and that kids need Ito toughen up for the real world...and we can't protect them forever etc etc.......

Anonymous said... We are going through the same thing! And it started early in kindergarten !!!! I am mortified for first grade and if it doesnt work we are taking her out and homeschooling.

Anonymous said... I'm talking about mainstream schooling. Yes sometimes if lucky you can get aids to do a watching at lunch or recess.

Anonymous said... I wish that homeschooling was an option for us. Unfortunately, I cant afford to quit my job to be home with him. My son is 13 and they are going to designate safe place and/special person for him to be able to go to when he is in distress. I hope this helps. (Im relieved the school year is over next week, but it also creates a new bunch of issues with summer child care issues).

Anonymous said... At the school my son is starting at they have had 6 children with as who have started that have come from bullying my son as got as high functioning it will be his first year with a statement I am trying to be positive we will see how it goes

Anonymous said... I feel for all of you. My 10 year old will be starting middle school in the fall. My wife and I are both anxious and excited. They supposedly have better programs for children on the spectrum than grammar school, but they also have children from other schools; that my son won't know and they won't know him (small school). I put it in God's hands and and pray for guidance and patience.

Anonymous said... Check out this video from abc news. I recently went to an autism conference where Dr. Jed Baker was the featured speaker. He started a program for junior high students where they get NT peers to help kids on the spectrum practice their social skills. Bullying has dropped dramatically for these kids. http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=3010139

Anonymous said... I don't think we can keep bullying from happening. Why are these kids targeting your son? Because he is different. They have been taught by our society that their value is in their sameness. The teachers unconsciously encourage their behavior and sometimes they are overt in their directions to exclude a child because their behavior is not fitting with the norm. We also value humor at the sake of others so its "funny" to get the different kid to hurt himself. These are all deep rooted media backed values of our society...PS teachers cannot stop this behavior, the only solution is to pull your kids out of school. imo

Anonymous said... My 10 year old son is constantly bullied on the school bus and I am desperate to keep him safe. The transportation dept is not doing anything besides transporting kids, and despite my many emails and phone calls they are not handling the matter. My son with Aspergers, ADHD, anxiety, and OCD is being emotionally assaulted and physically harmed. I have called the police, but the problems persist because it is multiple kids. What more can I do? 

 Anonymous said... Anything that helps your kid thrive and build confidence in himself isn't being overprotective. Aspies especially need that extra time to come to terms with understanding themselves before they're pushed into the limelight. Homeschool is a great way to get that extra time and let them learn about themselves and the world around them without the unusual, cruel pressure of public school.

 Anonymous said... Homeschooling is the best thing we ever did for our son and our family. My son with Aspergers is thriving and it has benefited our entire family. We love the lifestyle so much that we brought our oldest son home this year.

 Anonymous said... I guess it depends on what is happening at school. My son is 20 and I don't believe he would have been as involved or have the social life he had in HS if I didn't let him go out in the world and experience it. Now that he is out of HS, I feel he only socializes at work and if he didn't work, he would only have his father and I. Looking back, I know he misses school. I would really think about this. I know people don't think an aspie doesn't need the interaction with others but I know from experience, they want it.

 Anonymous said... I pulled my daughter out halfway through the year too. She loves homeschooling. Enjoy your new adventure!

 Anonymous said... That's exactly why we are homeschooling so no you're not overprotective. My son knows that other kids are mean and he cannot control that fact. He has no desire to want to return to public school. He also likes being able to move at his own pace and pick his curriculum out himself.

 Anonymous said... We homeschool as well.....started a few weeks after grade one....doing grade 8 now

 Anonymous said... What is so great about homeschooling is it gives kids an opportunity to create their own social life, and the social/group opportunities available to homeschool kids make it more likely that he will meet people who are like him, who are outside the norm, and he will likely find more acceptance within that community than a traditional school. Contrary to how many people view homeschooling, most people I know who do it have very active social lives and participate in lots of activities with other homeschoolers.

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By

Cursing in Kids with High-Functioning Autism [ASD Level 1]

"My 5 year old son is a high functioning autistic child - and is constantly swearing. I've tried time-outs, taken games away, used positive rewards for not swearing, and so on. He just can't seem to quit. He tells me he HAS to get the words out. His favorite cuss word is "dammit" (which he got from me), and he uses it all day long. Any suggestions?"

Because of an inability to (a) control impulses, (b) understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior, (c) empathize with others’ feelings, and (d) manage frustrations in dealing with daily life, kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often behave inappropriately at home or in public.

The use of profanity is particularly inappropriate and is something about which you must be direct and forceful. Your son may refuse to accept that his behavior needs to change (since he hears you using the same curse word that you don't want him to use), in which case, he probably won't respond to the strategies that you have tried so far.

Here are some pointers:

Sit down and have a talk with your son. Establish firm rules for his behavior. Let him know that cursing at home or in public is inappropriate and disrespectful of others. Ask him why he curses. He may respond by saying that he gets frustrated or angry when certain situations occur. If you can address the situations, you may be able to find ways for him to avoid them or handle them more appropriately.

Behavior modification techniques using a visual chart can be very effective.  Make a house rule: No Cursing. List the curse words he is not to use. Make a visual chart of the rules. List a consequence for each day he curses (not each time he curses). Choose a consequence that deprives him, for one day, of something he loves to do (e.g., no watching TV, no playing video games, etc.). List a reward for each day that he follows the house rule (e.g., extra TV or video game time, money, a special privilege, etc.).

Also, pick one replacement word that is acceptable for your son to use whenever he "HAS to get the words out" (e.g., ding nabbit, awe shucks, bleep-idy bleep, scooby doo). Be creative here. You will probably never get your son to give up his favorite word, but you may be able to help him find a new favorite word. You should start using the replacement word regularly as well. In this way, "dammit" will lose its attraction over the new word that he hears coming from you.

Lastly, model frustration-tolerance for your son whenever YOU become frustrated. He is obviously following your lead, so only say and do the things you want him to say and do.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I soooooo totally understand!! My almost 16 year old cusses like a sailor!! He got it from his military dad but my gosh has taken it to new heights and it's worse when he's playing his xbox !!! Ugh

•    Anonymous said... it's highly likely it Tourette's syndrome. The tics may not start for a couple more years, but that "need"to get the words out is very typical. Also the lack of improvement with what you're doing. If possible please see him as possibly having ts and that his swearing is completely involuntary. Try to just ignore it. Making an issue about it makes it worse because Tourette's is an inhibition problem. The more forbidden something is the more the urge to do it. Another sign is hitting the ones he is closest to, often the mother. Sending you patience!

•    Anonymous said... just say no we don't use those words, but if you're feeling angry or frustrated you can use What The! instead. This forms of swearing are on all the tv shows so they should see and hear it and think this is cool when they hear it on Tv. It will take a few months of saying the above for it to sink in.

•    Anonymous said... My son makes a lot of sounds and gestures as his way of stemming. His psychiatrist said when he started on Adderall that it can unmask Tourettes like symptoms. Might be something you want to check into. A lot of these kids have dual diagnosis and its very real.

*   Anonymous said... I find it works better to find a way to say yes, rather than constantly trying to enforce "no". Try giving him a spot where he can swear (in his room, into a pillow to muffle it) instead...

*   Anonymous said...I'm down to " I'm going to charge you 25 cents for each one".

* Unknown said...I have a stepson who is slightly autistic. They say it used to be referred to as Asperger's. He has a bad habit of cussing when he gets angry and doesn't get his way. His dad and I are trying to teach him and that cussing is an inappropriate behavior in anyplace. His mom told him this evening that he is only allowed to cuss at her house. My question is, How do we deal with this?
  
* Anonymous said...What should I do if my son, aged 11, is swearing/cursing when frustrated but can not recall the incident. He did it to school staff when he had to wait a long time to go to the bathroom and school would like to take some action against him. How can I work with this situation. I have had a general discussion with him regarding swearing/cursing in general and he responded well to it. Your advice would be much appreciated.
   
* Anonymous said...Children and adults with autism also have verbal tics. If he feels he has to do it, have you investigated the possibility of tics?
   
*Anonymous said...My son is the same age and exactly the same in how he behaves. Any suggestions would be appreciated. He swears at his teachers and we have been called into his school twice in the three weeks that he has been there.
   
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By

Parenting Young Adults on the Autism Spectrum

"My 20 year old high functioning autistic son (unemployed and not attending college) is staying out all night and not telling us where he has been. I am worried as he is not really ‘street wise’ and probably at big risk. He has been involved in a few of these so-called 'peaceful protests' here lately, which scares us since some of these young people end up either dead or in jail."

You have good cause to be concerned about this. Young people with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's have a lot of difficulty recognizing when someone is lying to them, using them for their own purposes, or befriending them in order to get them involved in inappropriate activities.

Many of these "special needs" teenagers are surprised that someone would even try to take advantage of them. While they understand if something is true or false, they can’t understand why someone would use the truth to create lies, say one thing but mean something else, or believe something that is not true.

The slow or confused processing of emotions many teens on the autism spectrum experience can impede awareness of dangerous situations and stop rational thought. The emotional warning signs that are meant to protect them from difficult or harmful situations may malfunction, or work so slowly that they lose effectiveness. This means that these individuals are less prepared to defend themselves verbally or physically in an argument or conflict or say “no” to inappropriate activities. Consequently, your adult child may fall victim to exploitation or worse through no fault of his own.

Even though he is a grown-up, you must still try to protect your (socially naïve) child as he is not ready for the same amount of freedom as other grown-ups. Does he have a trustworthy friend or relative who could be a mentor and help him by going out with him and keeping him out of trouble? This mentor can try to help your son understand that many people act friendly, but may want to get him involved in foolish or dangerous activities. Also, the mentor could help him get involved in clubs or groups in which he will meet responsible friends.
 
==> Launching Adult Children: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Therapy is definitely called for in this situation. You and a therapist may be able to convince your adult child to tell you what is going on when he is outside the home. Also, he needs to tell you when “friends” want him to do something wrong or dangerous. Convince him that by doing so, he is doing the right thing, obeying the law, and keeping himself and others safe.

Sit down with your son and have a long talk about what he shouldn’t do when he is with friends, including inappropriate sexual activity, criminal activity, take drugs, drinking, driving after drinking, and so on. Make it very clear to him the negative consequences of doing each of these things in very specific terms. Make it clear that he must not engage in these activities – even to gain the friendship of others.

One of the good things about young adults on the spectrum in this situation is that they can be very “black and white” in sticking to rules. So, if you can emphasize some of the laws around certain behaviors (e.g., petty crime, certain sexual behaviors, use of alcohol/drugs, etc.), you have a much better chance of compliance. In such situations, quite rigid thinking can be a good thing if it helps to keep your adult child on the “straight and narrow.”

Also, consider the possibility of a temporary group home or an assisted living situation for your son to help him learn to become independent and act responsibly, thus preparing him for living on his own some day. In addition, it's probably a good idea to put your name on all his bank accounts so that both of you must agree before he can access his money.


Here's additional information on this issue:

==> Adult Children Still Living With Mom & Dad  

==> Launching Adult Children: How To Promote Self-Reliance
 
 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

The Connections Between ADHD and ASD

"Are there any connections between ADHD children and those with high functioning autism? My child is diagnosed with ADHD, but he seems to cross over a bit with weak social skills and emotional behavior. How do you determine what is ADHD-related behavior versus autism-related behavior?"

The symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) do mimic one another, and there are some connections between ADHD and HFA. In fact, there are dual diagnoses of ADHD and HFA in many cases.

Both of these diagnoses are developmental disorders. They share many of the same behavioral features and both affect children in the areas of behavior, communication, and social interaction. As a result, there is often some confusion as to which disorder is present. Medical, mental health and educational professionals need to be trained to differentiate between the disorders and diagnose the correct one.

Here is a list of the behaviors that may be seen in HFA and/or Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder:
  • Avoids attending to details
  • Behavior driven by impulses
  • Cannot talk or play quietly
  • Constantly active
  • Difficulty interacting with peers
  • Difficulty with appropriate emotional responses
  • Disruptive with others
  • Does not want to wait
  • Exhibits severe temper tantrums
  • Fearlessness
  • Feelings of invincibility
  • Has difficulty listening or conversing
  • Impatient
  • Impulsive work effort that results in mistakes
  • Inappropriate laughter
  • Inattentive
  • Inconsistent fine motor skills
  • Interrupts others
  • Makes mistakes in work activities
  • Minimal eye contact
  • Physical over-activity or lack of physical activity
  • Problems with gross/fine motor skills
  • Resistant to intimacy
  • Risk taker
  • Talks and/or acts inappropriately
  • Temper tantrums without provocation
  • Willingly becomes involved in potentially dangerous activities

==> More information on the ASD/ADHD overlap can be found here…
    

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Very helpful.
•    Anonymous said... Aspergers is like living in a black and white world. There is no grey area for these kids. It is or it is not and it's hard to reason with them. My son is 8 and has ADHD, aniexty disorder and aspergers. His meltdowns are few as long as we keep a very strick schedule. The school is actually easier then the summer. My son had a melt down at his diving practice the other day when another boy came in and cut him in line. At this age it should get you a little mad but not a tantrum. They can fixate on a topic and won't let it go. My son had an argument with his teacher last year over one thousand and him saying 10 hundred is short for a thousand.
•    Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with adhd last week. They also said he's right on the edge of being in the autism spectrum. They suspect high functioning and aspergers but because it was so close he was only diagnosed with adhd right now. He's 5.
•    Anonymous said... Thank you for posting this! My child was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. Last year (4th grade) her resource teacher started questioning Aspergers as well. We will begin testing in 5th grade.
•    Anonymous said… I had the same thing with my child's school. Was a Tough battle because.....how do they put it..." we are experienced..." as if we as mothers are so uneducated and don't know our kids you know. Very frustrating.
•    Anonymous said… I have a grandson with ADHD and one with autism. Many similarities.
•    Anonymous said… I think people only react that way to medication because it's being used more often than not, as "the easy way out" to deal with "difficult" children.
•    Anonymous said… I'm wondering how many children have both? We're in the beginnings of getting a diagnosis. They told us adhd vs asd or both. Like other parents, he can sit for hours and read a book, build with Legos and has no problem with attention span when it is something he desires to do or learn. Any input is appreciated. We are 5 months out from our official multidisciplinary evaluation to give us answers. As a nurse, I suspect my nephew has both. Unfortunately, he suffered significant trauma, neglect and abuse and we have been chasing that rabbit down the hole for a long time.
•    Anonymous said… It is important to get the right diagnosis because the education programs implemented in IEPs for ADHD are different than what can be included in ASD educational modification plans.
•    Anonymous said… It took from kindergarten to the end of second grade to get his diagnosis from the school psychiatrist. He was tested for ADHD, language reception, IQ, gifted, etc...all first. If they had just listened to me and tested for ASD at the start he wouldn't have fallen behind Thankfully during that time he had teachers who went above and beyond to accomodate him as best they could until he got an IEP and his third grade teachers got him caught up very quickly.
•    Anonymous said… My dd20 has both and takes meds. I'm offended when people get on their high horse about medication. Some people would not function without them!
•    Anonymous said… my son has ADHD and Aspergers
•    Anonymous said… My son has Aspergers and a diagnosis of ADHD. My daughter also Aspergers, no formal diagnosis of ADHD but it is present.
•    Anonymous said… My son is both too- and yes they do cross over and I wondered exactly the same as you.
•    Anonymous said… My son is both. ADD diagnosed first. Yes they crosssover.
•    Anonymous said… My sons ADHD said out of all her years of practicing she's never had an autistic/ Asperger child not have ADHD- it's hand and glove -- I'm surprised more have not been told this  😬
•    Anonymous said… Personally I think many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed and are really Aspergers. It's the first thing a school suggests and many parents do not delve any deeper. I knew my son was not ADHD as he could sit for hours focused on a single thing [among other symptoms]. I mentioned when they brought up attention deficit testing that I thought he had a touch of autism and pushed the evaluation in that direction, which greatly displeased the school counselor because she thought otherwise and was all about meds.
•    Anonymous said… Possible to have both. My son does. Sophisticated educational testing which I paid for and evaluation which the school district paid for got to the bottom of it all.
•    Anonymous said… These symptoms do go along with autism much of the time, but I personally think ADHD is over-diagnosed. It's easy to slap that diagnosis on someone who presents with hyperactivity and inattention, but these are often symptoms, rather than an actual diagnosis. For example, hyperactivity and inattention often go along with sensory processing disorder, and SPD affects at least 75% of people with autism. The treatment for ADHD is medication, whereas the treatment for SPD is occupational therapy. Since SPD is prevalent in kids with autism and the treatment differs from that of ADHD, it's important to determine the root of these symptoms in order to correctly treat them.
•    Anonymous said… They are often co morbid diagnoses
•    Anonymous said… Yes and since the upping of toxins into developing babies/brains, a big explosion in both and the severity. Follow the stats. People didn't believe in ADHD either unfortunately. Then they just over prescribed drugs, none of this natural (the numbers, drugs or directly injected neurotoxins). Yuck.
*   Anonymous said... My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 4-5years of age. I'm looking into an alternative diagnosis because I think they got it wrong!! He is now 9-10years old. Thanks for the article and other comments- I think I'm on the right track!! Understanding HFA could help to prevent the constant WW3 in our home.
 
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By

Inflexibility and Rigid Thinking in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"How can I break through the rigid thinking that prevents my child (high functioning) from making a connection between his misbehavior and negative consequences? Once he gets an idea in his head, no amount of evidence to the contrary will persuade him."

One big challenge for kids with ASD Level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), is mind-blindness. Mind-blindness refers to the inability to understand and empathize with the needs, beliefs, and intentions that drive other people’s behavior. Without this ability, these young people can’t make sense of the world.

The world is constantly confusing them, and they go through life making mistakes because nothing makes sense. These children can’t connect their own needs, beliefs, and intentions to experiences and positive or negative consequences. Many kids on the autism spectrum are unaware that they even have this problem, even if they know they have the diagnosis.

In any event, HFA children can learn to compensate for mind-blindness with a lifetime of constant “counseling” by good parents, educators, and therapists. Some grown-ups with the disorder can read books and learn, but HFA kids need others to help them. With good help, they can grow up to lead nearly normal lives. 
 

Moms and dads must understand that their "special needs" kids must be taught to use logic to make sense of the world and the people in it, one personal situation at a time. Here are some “rules” that can help parents assist their youngster in making sense of things:
  1. Every human behavior has a reason behind it, even if I don’t see it.
  2. I will not give up my rigid thinking until I find the reason for a behavior or until I am satisfied that I do not have enough information to find it.
  3. When I find the reason, all the pieces will fall into place and not a single one will be left that doesn’t fit.
  4. After I find it, I will dig further to try to disprove it.
  5. If I find a single piece that doesn’t fit, then I still have a problem. I’ll go back to step 2 with the problem.
  6. I will force myself to accept what I have in front of me as the truth, even if I find it hard to believe
  7. Most people usually talk about the things they want, and openly say what they believe. Women tend to talk more than men and focus on feelings more.
  8. When somebody’s behavior flies in the face of logic, I will concentrate on his or her feelings.
  9. Some people are so messed up that it is just not possible to figure them out. I must know when to give up.
  10. I must be patient when trying to make sense of things, because my first assumption will probably be faulty.

Put the concepts above in words that your child will understand. Also, you can make up additional rules that may be more applicable to your specific situation.

A parent’s strategy should be to get their HFA children obsessed with the need to make sense of the world and help them understand that the mysteries of human behavior disappear when one understands the appropriate states of mind behind them. Also, to help them realize that once the state of mind is understood, people’s future behavior can be anticipated. But, how does a mother or father do that when their child isn’t motivated to do so because they don’t realize there’s a need?
 

Parents should do the following:
  1. Teach the child to make sense of the world by himself (eventually).
  2. Constantly explain people’s states of mind to him and what they mean until he learns to figure them out on his own. This means explaining the wants, needs, and beliefs that drive human behavior and the reasons behind all the unwritten rules that are part of human relationships.
  3. Give the child books to read. Explain his challenges and that he is in a state of confusion without being aware of it. Explain how each person feels about the world and about his own life. Explain that every person has a different set of values and that their behavior is driven by these values. Explain also your own state of mind and emotions constantly. Explain why you explain things to him. Explain that he should ask you questions about things he doesn’t understand. Do these things over and over and over.
  4. Explain his needs to him. It is only when he understands what he wants himself that he will have a basis for understanding that others also have wants, and that peoples’ wants are what makes them behave the way they do. If you explain something over and over, and he never ‘gets it’, the reason could be that there is more basic knowledge that he doesn’t have in order to understand.
  5. Protect your HFA kids from the cruelty of others. Some people are not going to pass up the opportunity to treat them badly. You should explain that this is going to happen, and that they should not feel ashamed to go to you for support. They are going to meet people that will try to convince them they are worthless. You must convince them that they can and will make a success of life, as many individuals on the spectrum have. Explain the states of mind of these people and why they do what they do – over and over.
  6. Explain before punishing. If you punish a child for doing behavior “A,” all that he is going to learn is that if he does behavior “A” again, he is going to be punished again. He will not understand why he should not do behavior “A” in the first place.

It is this constant explaining and counseling by parents, educators, and therapists over years and years of living, repeated over and over again, that eventually will help the child break through the bonds of mind-blindness and learn to handle life successfully – on his or her own. Don’t give up, and get others to help you.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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What other parents have had to say on this matter:

•    Anonymous said... I have Aspergers and a son, who is now twelve, has Aspergers. My wife isn't diagnosed but I'm fairly sure that she has ODD. My mother in law lives with us and she has OCD to an extent I've only seen in television. It has taken me four years since I was diagnosed to work at getting to the point where I don't have meltdowns. The constant struggle over trying to be a parent to an Asperger's child, maintaining the household financials and maintenance, and learning to understand how the chemical and neurological aspects fit into almost all environments we are a part. It has taken me some time but I have worked at watching an listening to my son to understand where and when I have reached a barrier. With the filmographic memory that many people with Aspergers have, I can remember all the struggles with no one to help and always being yelled at to fit in. I am being patient and working with him to understand that this neurological difference is just that a difference. It has it days as I have neared meltdowns due to the stress because no one will believe that an adult with Asperger's can maintain a normal life by watching an mimicking normal behavior. I with his mother are working with him so that he understands he is doing a good job while imparting the importance of letting my wife and I know when he cannot understand even the smallest of details. It is a work in progress that I pray that I get better so my son has all of the understanding and resources he needs to succeed in life
•    Anonymous said... it definitely takes some getting used to! people have no idea what it's like to be a mum to an aspie! The thing to remember is that you dont control them any more than any parents control thier kids! In fact aspie kids often have better manners because once they learn a rule, it sticks and they dont do things like showing off and all that. I find that I'm my own biggest critic. I think that we have or should have the same expectations for behavior but have a completely different way of getting there. That's how I've always tried to view it. I just keep plugging away at teaching social thinking and how to interact with others. I guess I'm sort of old school about manners and decorum and that's been part of the game all along. I do however think no one can understand what a hard and sometimes seemingly insurmountable thing it is until they are in the same boat we are.
•    Anonymous said... My son is 17 and we still struggle with this. It has gotten a lot better but it is something to work on continuously
•    Anonymous said... My son old constantly hits and squeezes babies in an effort to either get them to cry or to stop crying. The other day he hit a five month old in the head with a really heavy ball to get it to stop crying, however that wasn't even the baby that was crying; the sound was coming from pretty far away. I've tried explaining a million times that all babies don't cry all the time, that they don't all say, "goo goo ga ga" specifically, etc. Once mine latches on to a "rule" he can't let it go. Anybody ever had this? What did you do?
•    Anonymous said... firstly, curtail any more baby exposure before someone gets badly hurt. ( if you can, not always easy). Then get embarked on the lifetime of teaching you have to face up to. There are no quick fixes. every minute of every day needs to be an example and a teaching experience. I would recoomend strongly to see a professional who provides social thinking and therapy of that nature. It's too much for just one mom!!! Dont give up, you'd be surprised what they can learn.
•    Anonymous said... This is my 10 year old, so difficult as those that don't understand Aspergers are quick to judge you as a bad parent, who is unable to control your child xx
•    Anonymous said... My daughter is 17 now ..still has her way of thinking but amazes me everyday.. was a very hard time for her growing up and me as a parent. . Now I m going threw the same with my 6 year old son... I see the long road ahead yet again but a beautiful light ... it's a rough n tough world out there already... all us parents can hope for is any child asd or not to be happy and take lil steps to be proud of who they are.... ahhh emotional mommy over here.. good luck to all!!
•    Anonymous said... There way or the highway! No change of mind! Hard work
•    Anonymous said... They really do have their own way of thinking
•    Anonymous said... We can video our son doing something to help show what he did and he still says he didn't do it because n his mind he was doing some thing else
•    Anonymous said... We try to see his differences as gifts as everyone should. Just because someone can't walk doesn't mean they can't contribute in society. Same with all children with these difference. Even if it's just teaching someone else tolerance and compassion 
•    Anonymous said... Yes.... This is my life. One day at a time.

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