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HFA and Asperger’s Kids Who Show No Remorse for Bad Behavior

“My 10 y.o. has been diagnosed recently with high functioning autism. The problem we're having is that he takes no responsibility for his behavior and shows no remorse when he does something wrong. Any ideas?”

It's important for children with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), to be raised in a home environment where parents have demanded personal accountability for their actions from a very young age. Yes, these children have “special needs,” and parents will need to make “accommodations” accordingly – but not “allowances”!



Sometimes a child on the autism spectrum gets "let off the hook" because mom or dad has the attitude that "he just can't help it -- it's his disorder." Some kids hear this so often that they come to believe it. No doubt, HFA is a factor that contributes to inappropriate behavior at times, but it should never be used as an excuse for it. Unless parents demand accountability – consistently and fairly – then a youngster on the spectrum may not develop this trait naturally. So, just like social skills, “taking personal responsibility” needs to be taught.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Social skills groups for “special needs” kids can be very helpful in situations such as this. Analyzing the behavior of peers, interpreting the behavior or the consequences of certain behaviors portrayed in movies, reading stories of kids who take responsibility for their actions, and doing role-reversals and role-plays can help develop the trait of taking responsibility. This is a skill that needs to be practiced – it’s not an automatic ability that children with developmental disorders possess naturally.

Other ideas to instill a sense of accountability and responsibility include the following:
  • “Survival" simulations or group problem-solving activities help kids consider the impact of their actions on others.
  • Having to care for plants or animals can teach valuable life-lessons.
  • Involvement in sports activities that focus on cooperative rather than competitive efforts can help.
  • Religious education and scouting programs offer fertile ground for growing moral and ethical character.
  • Working on community service projects, especially in the lower grades when the youngster is impressionable, is a great way to instill character.

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Some kids on the spectrum will pretend to be indifferent or avoid responsibility as a way to sidestep having to face up to the rather chronic impulsive acts they commit. Saying "I don't care" is often an attempt to devalue the negative act they have committed. If a child truly cares about his behavior, that carries with it the implication that he will do something about it if he misbehaves. But if he misbehaves a lot, doing something about it seems like an impossible and overwhelming task. Thus, sometimes kids have racked-up such a long list of complaints from parents that they see no way to fix it.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

This is a cycle that can be broken when parents respond like this: "You say (or act) like you don't care, but that's unacceptable in this home. You need to DO something to make amends for what you’ve done (or said) – and saying a shallow "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. The key is a change in your behavior.”

Parents of kids on the autism spectrum often worry about their child who does hurtful things TO other people (or who doesn't do helpful things FOR other people) without caring about it. These kids do have difficulty empathizing with others (more on that topic here), although this deficit is not an excuse for irresponsibility either. The longer this behavior persists, the less likely it is that it will improve. Utilizing the tips above will help most “special needs” kids become more caring and thoughtful.

 Lack of Demonstrated Empathy in Kids on the Autism Spectrum 


 

==> Tips on how to handle your child's fixations and obsessions? You'll find more than you'll need right here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Self-Help Strategies for Struggling Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Do you have a teenager on the autism spectrum? Is he or she really having difficulty coping with life? Are you worried about how he or she is going to handle adulthood? For teenagers with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism, change is especially hard. They have grappled with the perplexing and disturbing nature of a highly unpredictable world most of their lives.

For those parents of teens on the spectrum, we have compiled our top 15 picks for self-help books to assist your “special needs” teen in multiple areas of life:

1. The Aspie Teen's Survival Guide: Candid Advice for Teens, Tweens, and Parents, from a Young Man with Asperger's Syndrome

2. The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome

3. Asperger's Teens: Understanding High School for Students on the Autism Spectrum

4. Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Helping Preteens & Teens Get Ready for the Real World

5. Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome: A User Guide to Adolescence

6. Take Control of Asperger's Syndrome: The Official Strategy Guide for Teens with Asperger's Syndrome and Nonverbal Learning Disorders

 7. The Asperger Teen's Toolkit

8. The Social Success Workbook for Teens
 
9. Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome: A Practical Guide to Day-to-Day Life

10. Asperger's and You: A self-exploration workbook for teens and young adults on the autism spectrum

11. The Social Success Workbook for Teens: Skill-Building Activities for Teens with Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Asperger's Disorder, and Other

12. Social Skills for Teenagers with Developmental and Autism Spectrum Disorders: The PEERS Treatment Manual

 13. The Autism Playbook for Teens: Imagination-Based Mindfulness Activities to Calm Yourself, Build Independence, and Connect with Others (The Instant Help Solutions Series)

14. 60 Social Situations and Discussion Starters to Help Teens on the Autism Spectrum Deal with Friendships, Feelings, Conflict and More: Seeing the Big Picture

15. Asperger's Syndrome Guide for Teens and Young Adults: Thriving (Not Just Surviving)

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The Benefits of a Sensory Room for Kids on the Autism Spectrum


The purpose of a sensory room is to waken your child's senses. Items in the room can include lights, sensory soft play objects, colors, sounds, and aromas - all within a safe environment that allows him or her to explore and interact without risk.

The room also helps the child to calm down when needed - and can help those who have learning difficulties or sensory impairments learn to interact with the world around them, but in a safe environment. The child gets an unrestrained space where he can explore at his own leisure.

It's most effective to create a schedule of when your child will be provided free time in this room. It's probably NOT best to give her free access to it. It's best to use the room at transition times to provide a smooth transition, or as a reward for meeting the expectations of parents and teachers.

When creating your child's sensory room, be as creative as you can. There are many things you can purchase, but you can also make many things yourself. What you use should in part be determined by what your child enjoys or is seeking.

Some ideas are: 
  • A mini trampoline can provide physical exercise and sensory input.
  • Create a touch board, and attach a variety of materials from sand paper to carpet.
  • Fill a tub with sand, navy beans, or other similar item that they can play in.
  • Find different scents of potpourri that they can use for deep breathing.
  • Hang a swing from your ceiling (if it is reinforced).
  • Have music playing that your child enjoys - this can be calming music or vigorous music.
  • String blinking Christmas lights around the room.
  • Use a hammock for the child to lie in and receive deep pressure.
  • Use a variety of lotions for both scent and touch.
  • Use a vibrating massage-machine for deep touch.
  • Use play dough for touch activities.


There are many benefits of a sensory room, for example:

Enhanced Learning through Play: Sensory stimulation can engage different areas of the brain, helping your child to absorb and retain more information through the five senses.

Improve Balance, Movement and Spatial Orientation: A sensory room can help develop your child's visual processing abilities and his or her fine and gross motor skills.

Sensory Stimulation: Encouraging your child to engage and explore the environment will have positive effects on her ability to react and interact with the larger world around her.

Tackle Problems With Behavior: Sensory rooms can be highly absorbing, providing a moment of comfort and calm for the "distressed" youngster, and helping the "inactive" child to feel better engaged. This improves focus and prevents him from getting the urge to ‘act out’ his frustrations or anxiety.

==> How to Teach Social Skills and Emotion Management
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Tools to Develop Fine and Gross Motor Skills in Kids on the Spectrum

Most kids with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism have a history of delayed acquisition of motor skills (e.g., hand writing, pedaling a bike, tying shoe laces, catching a ball, opening jars, climbing monkey-bars, etc.), which is called “motor clumsiness.” These young people are often visibly awkward, exhibiting rigid gait patterns, odd posture, poor manipulative skills, and significant deficits in visual-motor coordination. 

For those parents of kids that have trouble with fine motor skills (e.g., handwriting) as well as gross motor skills (e.g., balancing), here are our top 10 picks for items that will assist in this matter:



Ring Toss Game - Kids Quoit Games - Improve Eye-Hand Coordination and Fine Motor Skills


Hundreds of Developmentally Age-Appropriate Activities Designed to Improve Fine Motor Skills

Helps children learn penmanship and bolsters creativity: trace practically anything!

30 Pegs for Learning Colors, Sorting Counting - 30pg Occupational Therapy Fine Motor Skills Activity

Stepping Stones 6-Pack – Balance and Eye Coordination - Training Tool & Physical Therapy

Active Monkey Balance Board

Stepping Buckets 6-Pack – Balance and Eye Coordination - Training Tool & Physical Therapy




More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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Anger-Control for Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum

"I desperately need ideas on how to deal with an autistic child (high functioning) who is often agitated and angered. We rarely know what will trigger him, as it seems to vary widely from situation to situation - and from day to day."

All children experience anger. But, young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), in particular, have difficulty channeling their strong emotions into acceptable outlets.

Anger is a response to a real or perceived loss or stress. It results when an individual’s body, property, self-esteem, or values are threatened. Anger is often a reaction to feeling frustrated, hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. If your youngster does not learn how to release his or her anger appropriately, it can fester and explode in inappropriate ways, or be internalized and damage his or her sense of self-worth.

As a mother or father, dealing with an angry youngster is inevitable. Many of us have heard our own pre-parenting voice whisper to us, saying something like, “That will never be my child acting-out like that” (famous last words). Anger is learned, but so is composure!

As parents, we hope our kids learn to:
  • communicate angry feelings in a positive way
  • express anger nonviolently
  • learn how to avoid being a victim of someone else's angry actions
  • learn how to control angry impulses
  • learn how to problem solve
  • learn how to remove themselves from a violent or angry situation 
  • learn self-calming techniques
  • recognize angry feelings in themselves and others

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Below are several crucial techniques to help teach your AS or HFA youngster calmer, more constructive ways to express anger:

1. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping your youngster control herself and save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

2. Be sure to VALUE what your youngster is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate your youngster's experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, your youngster learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If your youngster can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

3. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help AS and HFA kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these young people have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with your youngster about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once your youngster chooses her replacement behavior, encourage her to use the same strategy each time she starts to get upset.

4. Encourage your youngster to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

5. Facilitate communication and problem solving with your AS or HFA youngster by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem?).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
6. Help your youngster to understand her own emotions by putting her feelings into words (e.g., say, "It looks like it made you angry when they called you names").

7. Help your youngster to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

8. Involve your youngster in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for the age of your youngster when the rules are ignored.

9. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings your youngster expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

10. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help your youngster express her frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list her ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your youngster is upset, use the words so she can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.


How can children with High-Functioning Autism cope with anger and depression?




11. Resist taking your youngster’s angry outbursts personally. Always deal with him in a calm, objective way.

12. Sometimes a child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the AS or HFA child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to parents’ frustration to find out that this isn't always the case with their “special needs” child. The best attitude to bring to such a circumstance, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Stop any aggressive behaviors. Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove your youngster as gently as possible.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

14. Teach your AS or HFA youngster to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, your youngster can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After your youngster has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even AS and HFA kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach your youngster these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

15. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As the mother or father, you are your youngster's main guide in life. She relies on you to be there with her through her difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with your youngster and incorporate other methods mentioned in this article (e.g., work on breathing with her, ask her questions about her feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with your child to help her through her emotions. Remember, you are teaching her social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some boys and girls are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

16. Use feeling words to help your AS or HFA youngster understand the emotions of others (e.g., Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely," or "When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed").

17. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

18. When your child becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Let me rephrase this (because this is an important technique): Every time your child acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to your youngster that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your youngster recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

Once your youngster is aware of his unique warning signs, start pointing them out to him whenever he first starts to get upset (e.g., “It looks like you’re starting to get frustrated" …or "Your cheeks are getting red. Do you feel yourself starting to get upset?"). The more you help your AS or HFA child to recognize the signs when his anger is first triggered, the better he will be able to calm himself down. It’s also the time when anger-control techniques are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until your youngster is already in "melt-down" to try to get him back into control is usually too late.

19. Simple relaxation tools can help your child calm down. For example:
  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination.
  • Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (“relax” or “take it easy”). Repeat it to yourself.
  • Breathe deeply from your diaphragm (breathing from your chest won't relax you, so picture your breath coming up from your belly).

20. Help your youngster understand that she can “choose” how to react when she feels angry. Teach her self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses. Here are some choices she can make:
  • Calm self by breathing deeply
  • Count slowly
  • Draw or play with clay
  • Exercise, walk or run
  • Find a quiet place or sit alone
  • Hug someone, a pet or a stuffed animal 
  • Look at books or read
  • Play music or sing
  • Problem solve
  • Rest or take a shower
  • Stop and think
  • Tell someone how you feel
  • Tense body and then relax 
  • Write about feelings

By following the techniques listed above, parents can help strengthen their relationship with their AS and HFA kids and give them the tools they need to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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