Helping Your Teenager with ASD to Eliminate Thinking Errors
"How can I help my teen with autism (high functioning) to not be so negative? He tends to view everything EVERYTHING through the lens of defeat. His self esteem is a big fat ZERO... no confidence whatsoever!!!"
Many children and teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) experience “thinking errors,” largely due to a phenomenon called “mind-blindness.”
Many children and teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) experience “thinking errors,” largely due to a phenomenon called “mind-blindness.” Mind-blindness can be described as a cognitive disorder where the child is unable to attribute mental states (e.g., emotions, beliefs, desires, motives) to himself or others. This ability to develop a mental awareness of what is in the mind of another person is known as the “Theory of Mind
.”
.”
Generally speaking, the “Mind-blindness Theory
” asserts that young people on the autism spectrum are delayed in developing a Theory of Mind, which normally allows developing kids to “put themselves into someone else's shoes” (i.e., empathy) and to imagine their thoughts and feelings.
” asserts that young people on the autism spectrum are delayed in developing a Theory of Mind, which normally allows developing kids to “put themselves into someone else's shoes” (i.e., empathy) and to imagine their thoughts and feelings.
Children and teens with AS and HFA often can’t conceptualize, understand, or predict emotional states in other people. When this happens, they tend to fill-in the blank with their own interpretation, which is usually inaccurate – and we call this a “thinking error.”
Thinking errors are irrational patterns of cognition that can cause your AS or HFA teen to feel bad and sometimes act in self-defeating ways. If she becomes more upset the more she thinks about a troubling circumstance, she may want to consider the possibility of thinking in a different way. And you, as the parent, can help with this.
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First, let’s look at the main thinking errors so you can get a glimpse into how your AS or HFA teen may be misinterpreting the world:
1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING – Thinking of things in absolute terms (e.g., “always”, “every”, “never”). For instance, if your teenager makes an ‘F’ on her book report, she views herself as a total failure.
2. CATASTROPHIZING – Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
3. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE – Continually “shooting down” positive experiences for arbitrary, impromptu reasons. In this way, your teen can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by his everyday experiences (e.g., “The fact that I am an excellent artist doesn’t count because everything else about my life sucks!”).
4. EMOTIONAL REASONING – Your teen makes decisions and arguments based on how she “feels” rather than objective reality.
5. FORTUNE TELLING – Anticipating that things will turn out badly, your teen feels convinced that her prediction is an already established fact (e.g., “Because I ‘think’ that I will fail to make the cheerleading squad, I most certainly WILL fail!”).
==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
6. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS – Assuming something negative where there is actually no evidence to support it (e.g., “Nobody wants to be my friend!”).
7. LABELLING – This involves “explaining by naming.” Rather than describing the specific behavior, your teen assigns a label to someone (or herself) that puts the other person (or herself) in absolute and unalterable negative terms (e.g., “My friend won’t talk to me; therefore, she is a jerk!”).
8. MAGNIFICATION – This involves exaggerating the negatives.
9. MENTAL FILTER – Focusing exclusively on certain (and usually negative or upsetting) aspects of something while ignoring the rest. For instance, your teen selectively hears the one tiny negative thing surrounded by all the BIG POSITIVE things (your teen’s teacher makes 9 positive comments about his science project, and only one negative comment – but your teen obsesses about the one negative comment).
10. MIND READING – This involves assuming the intentions of others. For example, your teen arbitrarily concludes that a peer is thinking negatively of him, but your teen doesn’t bother to check it out.
11. MINIMIZATION – This involves understating the positives.
12. OVERGENERALIZATION – Taking isolated cases and using them to make sweeping generalizations. For instance, you teen views a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat (e.g., “My teacher just yelled at me. She’s always yelling at me. She must not like me.”).
13. PERSONALIZATION – This occurs when your teen holds himself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under his control (e.g., “My parents are getting divorced. It must be because I’m a bad son!”).
14. SHOULDING – Your teen focuses on what he can’t control. For instance, he concentrates on what he thinks “should” or “ought to be” rather than the actual situation he is faced with.
Helping your AS or HFA teenager to identify negative self-talk is tricky because it's so automatic, she may not even be aware of what’s going on in her own mind. However, if your teen is feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, this is a signal that she needs to reflect on her thinking. A good way to test the accuracy of her perceptions is to ask herself some challenging questions. These questions will help your teen check out her self-talk and see whether her current interpretation is reasonable. It can also help her discover other ways of thinking about the situation.
Should Asperger's and HFA Teens Try To Be "Normal"?
Helping your teen to recognize that his current way of thinking may be self-defeating (and preventing him from getting what he wants out of life) can sometimes motivate him to look at things from a different perspective.
Here’s how:
- Alternative explanations: What else could the situation mean? If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation? Are there other ways that I could look at this situation?
- Goal-directed thinking: What can I do that will help me solve the problem? Is thinking this way helping me feel good or achieve my goals? Is there something I can learn from this situation to help me in the future? Is there anything good about this situation? Is this situation as bad as I’m making it out to be?
- Perspective change: Will this matter in a year from now? What’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the best thing that could happen? What’s most likely to happen?
- Reality testing: Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Are my thoughts based on facts, or my interpretation of the situation? How can I find out if my thoughts are true? What evidence supports my thinking?
Here’s how to help your teen apply different perspective-taking strategies as outlined above: Have him think of a situation in the last week when he found himself feeling rotten. He may have been upset, stressed, angry, depressed, embarrassed or guilty. Help him to apply some of the above strategies based on his particular situation.
For example:
- “I totally screwed-up that book report. I'm a loser and I'll never get good grades” …changes to, “I didn't do as well on that book report as I would have liked, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fail all my classes.”
- “I tried on those jeans, and I looked so fat and ugly” …changes to, “I tried on those jeans, and they were too small.”
- “Michael, the boy I have a crush on, said ‘hi’ to me and I made a total idiot of myself” …changes to, “Michael said ‘hi’ to me and I blushed and looked away. It's ok to be shy.”
Cognitive reframing is a psychological technique that consists of identifying – and then disputing – irrational or maladaptive thoughts. Reframing is a way of viewing and experiencing ideas, events, emotions and concepts to find more positive alternatives. The ability to reframe is a crucial skill for young people on the autism spectrum, especially in light of their mind-blindness issues. Parents can assist in teaching such skills.
Here’s how:
1. Help your AS or HFA teen to accept that frustration is a normal part of life. Most young people on the autism spectrum get intolerant when they have to do things they don’t enjoy. They tell themselves that they “can’t stand” certain things instead of acknowledging that they simply don’t enjoy them. Thus, they easily become angry and frustrated. The reframe: “This is a hassle, and that’s O.K.! Life is full of hassles. I don’t enjoy it, but I can stand it.”
2. Help your teen to be specific. Over-generalizing is a lot like exaggeration. When your teen over-generalizes, she exaggerates the frequency of negative things in her life (e.g., mistakes, disapproval, failures, etc.). Typically, your teen may think to herself, “I always make mistakes,” or “Everyone thinks I’m dumb.” The reframe: “What are the facts? What are my interpretations? Am I over-generalizing?”
==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens
3. Help your teen to consider the whole picture. When he “filters,” first he hones-in on the negative aspects of his circumstances. Then he ignores or dismisses all the positive aspects. The reframe: “Is there a more balanced way to look at this situation? Am I looking at the negatives while ignoring the positives?”
4. Help your teen to understand that she shouldn’t just assume she knows what others are thinking. Your teen may be assuming that others are focused on her faults and weaknesses – but this is almost always incorrect! Her worst critic is probably herself. The reframe: “Just because I assume something, does that mean I’m right? What is the evidence? How do I know what other people are thinking?”
5. Help your teen to find all the causes. When he personalizes, he blames himself for anything that goes wrong – even when it’s not his fault or responsibility. The reframe: “What other explanations might there be for this situation? Am I really to blame? Is this all about me?”
6. Teach your teen to judge the situation – not the person. When she uses labels, she may call herself or other people names. Instead of being specific (e.g., “That was a silly thing to do”), your teen may make negative generalizations about herself or other people by saying things such as, “I’m fat and ugly,” or “He’s an asshole.” The reframe: “Just because there is something that I’m not happy with, does that mean that it’s totally no good? What are the facts and what are my interpretations?”
7. Help your teen to look for shades of gray. It’s important for him to avoid thinking about things in terms of extremes. Most things aren’t black-and-white, but somewhere in-between. Just because something isn’t perfect doesn’t mean that it’s a catastrophe. The reframe: “Am I taking an extreme view? How else can I think about the situation? Is it really so bad, or am I seeing things in black-and-white terms?”
8. Help your teen to put things in proper perspective. When things go wrong, he may have a tendency to exaggerate the consequences and imagine that the results will be catastrophic. The reframe: “Is there any way to fix the situation? Is there anything good about the situation? What’s most likely to happen? What’s the best that can happen? What’s the worst that can happen? Will this matter in a year from now?”
9. Encourage your teen to stick to the facts. Sometimes she may confuse her thoughts or feelings with reality. She may assume that her perceptions are correct. The reframe: “Am I thinking this way just because I’m feeling bad right now? Am I confusing my feelings with the facts? Just because I’m feeling this way, does that mean my perceptions are correct?”
10. Help your teen to stop making unfair comparisons. Another common thinking error that your teen may be using is to make unfair comparisons between certain people and himself. When he does this, he compares himself with others who have a specific advantage in some area. Making unfair comparisons can leave him feeling inadequate. The reframe: “Am I making fair comparisons? Am I comparing myself with people who have a particular advantage?”
Thinking errors are simply ways that your AS or HFA teen’s mind convinces him of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions (e.g., telling yourself things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep you feeling bad about yourself).
Thinking errors are at the core of what many therapists try and help a client learn to change in psychotherapy. By learning to correctly identify this kind of faulty cognition, the client can then answer the negative thinking back – and refute it. By refuting the negative thinking over and over again, it slowly diminishes overtime and is automatically replaced by more rational, balanced thinking. You, as the parent, can begin to take on the role of psychotherapist (in a manner of speaking) by utilizing the strategies listed above.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.
Advantages and Disadvantages of Labeling Your Child with an "Autism Spectrum Disorder"
"I know I should take my child to get assessed for ASD. Based on what I've learned from this site, I'm sure he has the disorder. But I'm torn because He may get treated poorly if he has that 'label'. Thoughts?!"
Receiving a diagnosis of Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA) can be a mixed blessing. Some individuals are happy with self-diagnosis, while others prefer to get a “formal” diagnosis so they can know for sure whether or not they have an autism spectrum disorder.
If your child receives a formal diagnosis of AS or HFA, there are going to be a number of benefits as well as difficulties associated with getting “the label.” In this post, we will look at the advantages and disadvantages of getting labeled with a developmental disorder.
First, let’s look at some of the disadvantages of labeling:
1. A label is simply a cognitive shortcut (i.e., a term used to represent a series of characteristics), but it is useful only if people are mindful of the fact that they are using it as a shortcut. When people lose that mindfulness, a label becomes a stereotype.
2. All kids have some problematic behaviors. Labels can exaggerate a child’s actions in the eyes of parents, teachers, and others. Adults may overreact to the behavior of a labeled child that would be tolerated in another child.
3. Children on the autism spectrum can’t receive special education services until they are labeled. In many cases, the intervention comes too late. The need to label children before help arrives undermines a preventive approach to the mild learning problems associated with AS and HFA.
4. Labeling a child gives others the ability to “pigeonhole” or make assumptions about him or her based on the diagnosis, or their understanding of the diagnosis. This can lead people to make decisions and judgments about the child based on the diagnosis rather than on the needs and characteristics of the child.
5. Labels perpetuate the notion that children with AS and HFA are qualitatively different from their peers. This is not always true. Children on the high end of the autism spectrum go through most of the same developmental stages as other kids, although sometimes at a slower rate.
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
6. Labels shape the expectations of parents, teachers, peers, and others. Imagine that you are a teacher. What would your reaction be if the principal informed you that the new child in your class has an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? Research on teacher expectations has demonstrated that what teachers believe about student capability is directly related to student achievement. Thus, if a teacher lowers her expectations of a student on the autism spectrum, statistically speaking, that student will be less likely to perform at the level he or she could without the ASD label.
7. People may confuse the child with the label. When a child is placed in a particular category, people who know some of the traits of that category may attribute ALL known traits to the child. This is called stereotyping. Stereotypes hurt children when people rationalize his or her behavioral problems by citing traits of the label.
8. Research shows that children and teens known to have AS and HFA are more vulnerable to stigma and discrimination – especially from peers (e.g., teasing, bullying, peer-rejection).
Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Labeled "Autistic"
Next, we will look at some of the advantages of labeling:
1. A label (i.e., a formal diagnosis) provides a framework within which to understand the disorder. By noticing which symptoms seem to show up together, then noticing which cluster of symptoms a particular child seems to fall into, treatment decisions can be informed by what has - or has not - worked for other children with similar clusters of symptoms.
2. By labeling the disorder, it is easier to address any problems that are associated with it, and allows parents and teachers the opportunity to maximize the positive aspects of the disorder. Young people on the autism spectrum often have a unique ability to focus, and to catalogue detailed information about their areas of interest. In many cases, these talents can be put to very positive, constructive uses. One only needs to look at the celebrities who some suggest may qualify - or may have qualified - for an ASD diagnosis to realize what talents can be associated with what is called a “disorder.”
3. Children and teens on the spectrum have known they face certain difficulties for a long time – without being able to explain why! A label can be a relief because it allows them to learn about their disorder, to understand why they find some things so difficult, and indeed, why they are very good at some things.
4. Diagnoses can serve as a sort of cognitive shortcut. Rather than list all of a child’s symptoms individually, therapists can name the cluster and understand the child more quickly, speeding communication.
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
5. For moms and dads, the diagnosis and label usually provides them with a sense of relief. Many parents say that they have known that something was “wrong,” but felt that they could not get “the problem” properly identified. When such issues are identified and labeled, parents are better able to understand the nature of the challenges and how to address them.
6. Having a diagnosis is the key to getting autism-specific support (i.e., support that is provided by people who understand AS and HFA, as well as the specific difficulties associated with it).
7. Having received a diagnosis, a youngster on the autism spectrum can tell other family members, friends, and classmates about it (if she wants to), perhaps giving them some information about the disorder. This helps others to understand autism. When the people who are close to the AS or HFA child understand that there is a reason for her difficulties, it's much easier for them to empathize with her and offer support.
----------
8. If a child has AS or HFA, but doesn’t know it, it affects him anyway. If the child does know, he can learn to minimize the negative impact – and leverage the positive!
9. Knowing about AS or HFA gives the child or teen an explanation – not an excuse – for why her life has taken the twists and turns that it has.
10. Labeling providing parents and teachers with a way to learn about the youngster’s specific behavioral difficulties. By learning about the disorder, people can better understand its implications so that parental, teacher, and community expectations of the child are realistic, reasonable, and do not require him to meet standards that are outside his range of abilities.
11. Some adults on the autism spectrum choose to get a diagnosis for reasons connected to work (e.g., to get certain accommodations). Perhaps they are having problems finding a job, they have a job but are worried they will lose it, or they feel misunderstood by their employer or fellow employees.
12. Sometimes, young people on the autism spectrum have been misdiagnosed with mental health problems (e.g., schizophrenia). This may mean they have received inappropriate treatment or services. But with a formal diagnosis of AS or HFA, this can be rectified. Also, some young people do indeed have mental health problems, and these can be better addressed once their spectrum disorder has been identified.
13. When young people are given the diagnosis of AS or HFA, it can validate their experiences by letting them know that others have similar experiences.
14. Without the knowledge that you have AS or HFA, you are likely to fill that void with other, more damaging explanations (e.g., “I’m a failure, weird, disappointment, not living up to my potential, etc.”).
15. Perhaps most importantly, when an individual knows exactly what he or she is dealing with (in this case, an autism spectrum disorder), accommodations specific to the disorder can be pursued. For example:
Receiving a diagnosis of Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA) can be a mixed blessing. Some individuals are happy with self-diagnosis, while others prefer to get a “formal” diagnosis so they can know for sure whether or not they have an autism spectrum disorder.If your child receives a formal diagnosis of AS or HFA, there are going to be a number of benefits as well as difficulties associated with getting “the label.” In this post, we will look at the advantages and disadvantages of getting labeled with a developmental disorder.
First, let’s look at some of the disadvantages of labeling:
1. A label is simply a cognitive shortcut (i.e., a term used to represent a series of characteristics), but it is useful only if people are mindful of the fact that they are using it as a shortcut. When people lose that mindfulness, a label becomes a stereotype.
2. All kids have some problematic behaviors. Labels can exaggerate a child’s actions in the eyes of parents, teachers, and others. Adults may overreact to the behavior of a labeled child that would be tolerated in another child.
3. Children on the autism spectrum can’t receive special education services until they are labeled. In many cases, the intervention comes too late. The need to label children before help arrives undermines a preventive approach to the mild learning problems associated with AS and HFA.
4. Labeling a child gives others the ability to “pigeonhole” or make assumptions about him or her based on the diagnosis, or their understanding of the diagnosis. This can lead people to make decisions and judgments about the child based on the diagnosis rather than on the needs and characteristics of the child.
5. Labels perpetuate the notion that children with AS and HFA are qualitatively different from their peers. This is not always true. Children on the high end of the autism spectrum go through most of the same developmental stages as other kids, although sometimes at a slower rate.
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
6. Labels shape the expectations of parents, teachers, peers, and others. Imagine that you are a teacher. What would your reaction be if the principal informed you that the new child in your class has an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? Research on teacher expectations has demonstrated that what teachers believe about student capability is directly related to student achievement. Thus, if a teacher lowers her expectations of a student on the autism spectrum, statistically speaking, that student will be less likely to perform at the level he or she could without the ASD label.
7. People may confuse the child with the label. When a child is placed in a particular category, people who know some of the traits of that category may attribute ALL known traits to the child. This is called stereotyping. Stereotypes hurt children when people rationalize his or her behavioral problems by citing traits of the label.
8. Research shows that children and teens known to have AS and HFA are more vulnerable to stigma and discrimination – especially from peers (e.g., teasing, bullying, peer-rejection).
Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Labeled "Autistic"
Next, we will look at some of the advantages of labeling:
1. A label (i.e., a formal diagnosis) provides a framework within which to understand the disorder. By noticing which symptoms seem to show up together, then noticing which cluster of symptoms a particular child seems to fall into, treatment decisions can be informed by what has - or has not - worked for other children with similar clusters of symptoms.
2. By labeling the disorder, it is easier to address any problems that are associated with it, and allows parents and teachers the opportunity to maximize the positive aspects of the disorder. Young people on the autism spectrum often have a unique ability to focus, and to catalogue detailed information about their areas of interest. In many cases, these talents can be put to very positive, constructive uses. One only needs to look at the celebrities who some suggest may qualify - or may have qualified - for an ASD diagnosis to realize what talents can be associated with what is called a “disorder.”
3. Children and teens on the spectrum have known they face certain difficulties for a long time – without being able to explain why! A label can be a relief because it allows them to learn about their disorder, to understand why they find some things so difficult, and indeed, why they are very good at some things.
4. Diagnoses can serve as a sort of cognitive shortcut. Rather than list all of a child’s symptoms individually, therapists can name the cluster and understand the child more quickly, speeding communication.
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
5. For moms and dads, the diagnosis and label usually provides them with a sense of relief. Many parents say that they have known that something was “wrong,” but felt that they could not get “the problem” properly identified. When such issues are identified and labeled, parents are better able to understand the nature of the challenges and how to address them.
6. Having a diagnosis is the key to getting autism-specific support (i.e., support that is provided by people who understand AS and HFA, as well as the specific difficulties associated with it).
7. Having received a diagnosis, a youngster on the autism spectrum can tell other family members, friends, and classmates about it (if she wants to), perhaps giving them some information about the disorder. This helps others to understand autism. When the people who are close to the AS or HFA child understand that there is a reason for her difficulties, it's much easier for them to empathize with her and offer support.
----------
8. If a child has AS or HFA, but doesn’t know it, it affects him anyway. If the child does know, he can learn to minimize the negative impact – and leverage the positive!
9. Knowing about AS or HFA gives the child or teen an explanation – not an excuse – for why her life has taken the twists and turns that it has.
10. Labeling providing parents and teachers with a way to learn about the youngster’s specific behavioral difficulties. By learning about the disorder, people can better understand its implications so that parental, teacher, and community expectations of the child are realistic, reasonable, and do not require him to meet standards that are outside his range of abilities.
11. Some adults on the autism spectrum choose to get a diagnosis for reasons connected to work (e.g., to get certain accommodations). Perhaps they are having problems finding a job, they have a job but are worried they will lose it, or they feel misunderstood by their employer or fellow employees.
12. Sometimes, young people on the autism spectrum have been misdiagnosed with mental health problems (e.g., schizophrenia). This may mean they have received inappropriate treatment or services. But with a formal diagnosis of AS or HFA, this can be rectified. Also, some young people do indeed have mental health problems, and these can be better addressed once their spectrum disorder has been identified.
13. When young people are given the diagnosis of AS or HFA, it can validate their experiences by letting them know that others have similar experiences.
14. Without the knowledge that you have AS or HFA, you are likely to fill that void with other, more damaging explanations (e.g., “I’m a failure, weird, disappointment, not living up to my potential, etc.”).
15. Perhaps most importantly, when an individual knows exactly what he or she is dealing with (in this case, an autism spectrum disorder), accommodations specific to the disorder can be pursued. For example:
a. an older teen or young adult can use the information to plot a course through college--
- take classes part time to account for executive functioning/organizational challenges
- request reasonable accommodations at school or at work
- choose to live at home to minimize the number of changes all at once
- prepare for a career that matches interests and abilities
- join interest-based groups so that socializing has a purpose
- request a single room to decrease social and sensory demands
b. a middle-aged or older adult can use the information to--
- work differently with helping professionals with an emphasis on concrete coaching help
- renew and/or repair relationships
- improve on relationships
- pursue better matches
- find people who share similar interests
- find others on the spectrum with whom to compare notes
- do a life review to understand why careers and relationships have - or have not - been successful
- customize one’s environment to be comfortable and accommodating to the strengths and challenges of the disorder
- ask for accommodations at work
- pursue work that is more suitable.
It is always important to remember that no person is a diagnosis, and that no diagnosis is the person. AS or HFA is merely one quality of an individual. The person will have many other traits and aspects of his or her personality. Parents and teachers are encouraged to learn about the child FIRST, and then explore the way the diagnosis affects his or her functioning.
In a nutshell, labels are useful as a tool. However, as we all know, some people use labels as a weapon.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism
How to Stop Confusing Kids on the Autism Spectrum
==> More parenting strategies for "confused" kids on the autism spectrum can be found here...
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for June, 2018]
Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is Heather. I have a 6.5 year old child on the high functioning end of the spectrum. I wanted to send you a message over Facebook as that is where I found your content, but, there wasn’t an option. I found your email through your website. I wanted to personally send you a quick message to say thank you for disseminating such important and vital information specifically targeting children who are have Aspergers. Because my son is so high functioning, we have been questioned, ridiculed, and at times been laughed at when trying to explain his struggles. My son is very verbal and friendly and is often labeled as a bad child or an awkward weird child but never autistic. Luckily , his school has recognized the autism and we are getting a lot of help through them. However, we have family members that we cannot be around anymore because of their inability to keep quiet with their unfounded and ignorant opinions on how my son does or doesn't behave. I have had to cut friends out of our lives and find people that share in the same struggles and understanding of what my son struggles with and have real and positive advice to offer. Of course, the public can be very brutal with sneers, looks and whispers. My son sees and notices a lot of it. I have longed for more information so that I can be more equipped to help him navigate his way around people and the world in general. Seeing your articles and constant information about the very same issues we deal with is very encouraging to me and my husband. I have chosen to use my Facebook page to educate people on high functioning autism and what it looks like, how to handle it, maybe recognize it in their own children or in themselves. Thank you for helping and understanding. Please keep posting this content. I rely on it everyday. Thank you.
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Dear Mark,
I purchased your excellent book: "Living with Asperger's (AS) Partner".
Very valuable advice! Helped me improve dealing with my husband of 44 years.
These were challenging years. There is so much that brings us together, yet our different emotional build up caused us a lot of serious, hurtful disagreements and suffering throughout the years.
I stopped reacting to his inconsiderate behaviors in an emotional way, forcing myself to walk away, think through when and how to respond in an effor to avoid such hurtful behaviors on his part in the future.
Yet, although we have been closer...and things were calm, warm and mutually respectful for a while...
Yesterday, we had a couple of old friends visiting.
He starting rushing me to immediately start the (already prepared) dinner although we were not done with appetizers (about half an hour into the visit). Then, when I reached for a small piece of sweetened pineapple treat, he moved the ball away from me, in front of our friends (I am very slightly overweight and have been watching a very healthy diet and lifestyle for the past 4 months, which includes some minor "treats" from time to time, in agreement with my doctor - and it IS working beautifully).
I let it go, and mentioned it only next day: said "it made me feel embarrassed, controlled, afraid to reach for food the rest of the evening, second-guessing his reaction". Asked that "he never does it again", to trust me, "that I am a intelligent 62-year-old woman, and know what I am doing".
His reaction was furious: name calling; that I should be grateful he prevented me from eating more bad food; that all these doctors I am listening too (excellent experts in an online series of newest research on pre-diabetes) are stupid, "why I am even listening and then not (100%, I guess) following their advise etc.
Again, I pointed out I trust myself and don't need him to CONTROL me. He continued to interrupt me, yell at me, even threatening divorce (which he has done 1,000 times before).
What else can I do to make him trust my judgement and not be demeaned like that in front of my friends (and in general) in the future?
My husband, a retired engineer spending most of his time either on his engineering "projects" or watching or playing tennis; prone to angry, often abusive outbursts if under stress; with strong tendency to control and criticise others' behavior, and an underdeveloped empathy, fits 90% of characteristics of a person with Asperger's. My luck;)....
Any other suggestion how I could have handled the situation more effectively?
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Thank you so much!! I have read all of the material and will be joining my fiance after 6 weeks of separation not due to the struggles we have had in our relationship but maintaining our individual homes in different states. I will see him next week and he has asked for a list of things that he needs to correct or do in order for us to get along better. I haven't told him that I believe he has AS and am hesitant to do so, but I want to gear our conversation toward those traits and need help in developing some guidelines for my list. Any suggestions? Also, last year we had a complete breakdown in our relationship and from Jan until July was seeing someone else while we were still together. He has shown a lot of remorse and is confused as to why he did what he did. I have tried to move past his lies, cheating etc and it's strange but in his mind, he doesn't remember much about his affair or acts as if it never happened. I need some pointers should the subject come up, how to handle it .
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There is a lot of info out there about children, but not very much about adults. Sometime I wish I could tell parents what to expect for their children in the future, but hopefully their child will be Bill Gates, not my husband.
For people not diagnosed until adulthood, family and teachers just assume this is a problem kid. My husband set fires in his locker at school, burned down his grandmother’s house, blew up all his toys like the bad kid on Toy Story, later got into drugs and alcohol, dropped out of school, stole cars, went to jail and tried suicide three times.
After we got married (his first marriage at age 37, my second at age 40), he could never hold a job for more than a few days or weeks. He would always end up getting fired for saying the wrong thing at work. I tried so hard to teach him how to act at work, but he would always get angry about something and say something inappropriate.
Intimacy never really worked out with us either. Most of the time he had ED, plus he doesn’t really like anyone too close, especially not leaning on him, or on top of him, or touching his face. He says he “can’t breathe”, or he says it “freaks him out”. So that part of our marriage is basically dead.
He can do a lot but always says he can’t do anything. He knows a lot but claims he doesn’t know anything. There is a lot he can do, but he can’t tell the different between doing something useful and doing something just for the heck of it. Some things he does well, other things he can’t do at all, or says he can’t.
He got diagnosed a few years ago and now collects disability, which is not enough to live on, so we always struggle financially. This is our life now, with no hope for retirement, or having any money to do anything fun.
Maybe his life would have been better if he had been diagnosed in childhood. If we had never met, I suspect he would have ended up homeless.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Thank you for your text yesterday evening. I have a few questions that possibly you could please help me with. My questions are not only about my son, who is 15 and has Aspergers, but about myself and how I deal with him. He is a very sweet boy and he always means well. He is very polite but very timid.
Every school morning, he takes a long time to get ready. I don't know if waking him up earlier would help or if he would just fill up the time. I find myself getting upset with him then getting upset with myself for getting upset with him. I don't really want to spend the time to keep on top of him. But, should I?
He really struggles with homework. He is especially bad at Math. Generally speaking, he takes a long time to do all of his homework. He then gets upset that he does not have free time to see his friends, etc. Should I just get him a tutor?
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Dr Hutten: Thank you for your expertise in this field of working with couples who are dealing with Asperger’s within their relationship.
After reading and listing to your book and audio I feel I fall somewhere in the Asperger’s Spectron.
My wife for years has tried to figure out my quirky behaver and emotional lack of interaction with herself and others.
At this point in our relationship she is ready to call our marriage quits.
She recently found your web site and said, I might what to take a look at your material.
What I found did help me understand what I have felt for years. But was not able to articulate until reading your book.
My background Iam a white male 56 years old marred for 18 years two children 10 and 15.
I own a printing company here in San Diego with 5 full time employees for the last 20 years.
To the world I seem to be fully functional normal person who can run a business be married and be a parent.
My wife who I have know for 30 years knows differently and has spent years working with me on trying to get me to connect
Emotionally with herself. I know she deserves 100% myself but I can’t seem to find the strategy’s needed to truly connect with her.
My question is do you take on new clients into your practice who are out of state.
I like the fact that you already have a great understanding on what married couples are going though when one person falls within the Asperger’s spectrum.
I would like to tap your knowledge and expertise in this field to, find strategy’s to help mediate my inability to emotional connect with my wife
and let her know I do care and want to find a path going forward where I can Communicate with her in a meaningful way.
Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated
Thank you.
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My son who is almost 20 was aggressive towards me, his mother, through all of his teen years, due to anxiety - not because he is bad ! He is very kind, clever and was a happy little boy! But due to not having a diagnosis, despite so many attempts where we live to get one - he was not understood at school, or by others generally. We finally had one last year but it was handled so badly he felt totally dejected and it led to more outbursts and blame on me for having given birth to him! It resulted in him being removed from the home last year. With little information on how he is faring due to being classed chronologically as an adult - I am bereft but know that I couldn't cope with his outbursts or unreasonable demands for us to buy him expensive cars etc. We are reliant on social Services to support him and help him to learn about life - after all of my efforts over the years I feel a total failure. Not sure anyone can help when services say they are dealing with an adult although they have no plan as to what to do to support his needs.
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Thank you so much. I am currently fighting for my marriage and have the added struggle of an unsupportive step-daughter and son-in-law.
I am currently living in Indiana for the summer but going home to Alabama once a month. Last time I was home there was a big blowup because I wanted that one weekend home with my husband but he ended up bringing his grandsons (as happens every weekend) home instead. The parents have the kids ask and my husband does not want to say no. They are his life. I am not.
Now he is preparing sermons for my next visit home. I love my Bible but he becomes fixated on his and finds verses to prove that I AM THE PROBLEM and he is just suffering through dealing with me. He is the perfect picture of a husband and the fact that he works, provides, and doesn’t drink, makes him perfect and the fact that I desire emotional support is ridiculous.
His latest revelation to me was when I told him time with him was just as important to me as sex was important to him and would he feel unloved if I didn’t want to have sex.
His response to me was to read 2 Samuel 16: 9-12 and followed up with this:
Well, forgive me but I’d rather accept the things that I don’t like or that are of discomfort as to the fear of God and judgement against my own foolish acts of unrighteousness for why should I be a fool in thinking that I do no wrong or justify that my wrongs are actually right. Why should I deceive myself but yet I am my worst enemy.
What in the world is he trying to say to me? I’m so confused, as usual, and our minds just do not work together well at all.
Crying, crying, crying
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
My husband and I adopted three children as toddlers who are now in their teens. Two are biologically related to each other. The eldest, Kino, has never really bonded with us. He endured at least seven different placements before entering our home at age 2 1/2. Both biological parents had poly drug addiction and were arrested for various crimes, so we can only imagine what he was exposed to. As literature on treatment of attachment disorders suggests, conventional discipline and parenting approaches have not proven effective.
Kino is now 17 1/2. He does not have full blown RAD, but he does show definite tendencies across many of the diagnostic criterion. Low empathy, can be quite cruel and hurtful. There is no apology or repair following instances when he has violated or harmed others, and he shows no respect for our parental authority when we assert limits/boundaries and consequences for his misbehavior.
On the other hand, Kino has never been in trouble with the law. He generally observes rules of society, though he shows no deference toward those in authority (coaches, teachers, other adults). Kino is naturally athletic (basketball star at his high school), and endowed with a bright mind but could care less about grades, seems determined to under-achieve, resents being asked to make an effort academically or in other areas.
In general he shows strong narcissistic traits. People in his life serve primarily a utilitarian purpose. His cruelty is often insidious...controlled, not outwardly emotionally reactive but rather calculated, controlled, he’s very adept at manipulating situations and people to ensure he’s in control. Uses his younger sister as a wedge, and often as his surrogate to carry out his bullying, shunning, etc. of others. She is just beginning to understand how he uses her in this manner and we’re trying to help her learn to set boundaries with him when he does this.
Our third child is just four months younger than Kino. Marco suffered TBI and other serious injuries as a baby which have left him compromised in many ways. Kino has targeted Marco, and often if angry with my husband or me, Kino will retaliate by being unkind to Marco. We think Kino is threatened in that Marco is very empathic and although he struggles with emotional regulation due to brain injuries, Marco is very self aware, communicative and able to connect easily with others, in ways that are difficult for Kino.
I’m writing way too much, but essentially interested in knowing how effective your approaches have been with youth with attachment challenges. We are weary and on verge of losing hope. Have considered separating our family, sending him away, etc. but we fear that will only reinforce his belief that he is unworthy of being loved.
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Hi Mark - my name is Jen and am about all the way through your course. Thank you for all the detail and I appreciate your experience.
My son was diagnosed RAD several years ago. Long story. He is now 13. He is emotionally immature. Very frequently doing overly childish behavior.
Many of your suggestions are familiar to me going through therapy but such good reminders, as I get overwhelmed with the day to day and often let things going.
Self-reliant strategies and making sure to praise regularly to give my energy are two main things I am implementing right away.
I am feeling a bit uncertain about implementing the discipline/grounding ideas. Our main therapist who has helped us the most was trained in Beyond Consequences with Heather Forbes. She is now retired. So as you can image, connection as been our main priority but discipline hasn't. He was sooo fantastic for about a year and a half, then 13 hit. 7th grade hit. And we have had a big regression.
He has times where he is so rational, but others that I fear that he is incapable of making choices on how he is acting. Which brings me to my question. If there is a disconnect/lid flip tendency of a RAD kiddo, do you still feel confident that your methods will be effective?
He is a good kid when his brain is working well! His anxiety and fear override and make him so disregulated that it can get scary.
Thanks Mark! I am sure you get so many of these questions. My husband and I have tried so many things over the years that I just want to confirm that if we commit to something that there is a high probability it will be effective.
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Should I allow (with supervision) my just- turned 16-year-old daughter to date an 18-year-old? She has snuck boyfriends in the past, but she told us that if we would allow it, the relationship could be out on the open. The young man could go to church with us, work out with us, hang out with us. I havent been able to trust her in the past. She seems to have ADHD, struggles severely with academics. It seems like she uses her body as one of her greatest assets for acknowledgement. ... like dressing in tight clothing, short shorts. I have fought her on attire for a couple of year now. I have just chosen not to make that issue the deal-breaker.
I also homeschool, but I want her going to a regular school, it am concerned she will wind up pregnant. Any counsel?
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Good afternoon!
Although not formally diagnosed, my 60 year old husband of 30+ years has many characteristics of having Asperger's. We are both educators so it's been manageable for the most part. Life changes have come our way. We have been retired two years and work part time. Our two children are grown.
All these years I have planned, prompted, and steered- foolishly thinking that his awkwardness, rudeness could be covered by my sense of humor and southern charm. However, in the last couple of months I have been unable to "cover". Our social circle is shrinking rapidly. He's offended people from young children to elderly. It seems to be escalating.
Although I have addressed his issues with him, he truly doesn't see that there is a problem.
I'm struggling.... is it due to life's circumstances or our aging?
How do I get him out of his current negative thought pattern?
Do we remove ourselves from situations that bring out the rudeness to spare the feelings of others?
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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Aloha from Hawaii!
I am reaching out desperate and very interested in what I have been reading about your work in trying to seek out some assistance for my 15 year old son.
After seeing a local psychologist for the past year, we both feel that my son may be "on the spectrum" exhibiting a lot of Asperger's Syndrome characteristics with possible video gaming addiction. So PsyD feels my son may need/benefit from more of a psychiatric protocol of treatment with possible mood stabilizers to assist with self regulation.
Although my son was evaluated in 2012 with a resulting axis-I diagnosis of Dyslexia/Dysgraphia (more of the latter is prominent), he has always been a very emotional and rigid learner with poor expression/communication skills that has often impeded the joys of what should've been happier times in his childhood that I often feel guilty about thinking much was my fault as a poorly skilled mother.
With this dysgraphia diagnosis he matriculated successfully to a private special school setting (Assets School) through middle school up until when he felt he was not being helped and wanted to try another private campus for his high school years (an all boys school).
Up until recently, my son has always sought out opportunities to be with friends/others as he is an only child with a limited social network. However, although we've tried to engage him in a number of activities- boy scouts, martial arts, sports, music etc.- he would often lose interest and protest to the point that we allowed him to drop out of these groups.
In lieu of this he unfortunately has found much comfort in devices that has resulted in what we feel is a dependency that tends to drive his moods and isolates him from much else to the point where nothing else exists/matters.
Although there are some good moments, he demonstrates signs of depression and anxiety rarely seeming happy about much and becoming argumentative as well as easily frustrated/angered with himself and others which often results in very destructive meltdowns particularly if he is not allowed unlimited device time. He no longer has much friends that he interacts with and often shares how he doesn't fit in anywhere and is worthless even though he has had much academic success when he wants to extend the efforts and/or is monitored.
With the above being just a general overview of what has become very concerning I am writing to inquire about whether we should have my son further evaluated for an official ASD diagnosis in order to seek our your program/services. If so might there be anyone you could suggest/refer us to in Hawaii, as I have not been too successful in trying to locate a reputable provider who is accepting new patients with adolescent psychiatric expertise with Asperger's or even device addictions- the ones I've been in contact with are not able to take on new cases or have wait lists.
Apologies for this lengthy correspondence as I am hoping this can provide some insights into my situation to discern what to pursue next in trying to reach my son and hoping it is not too late.
I sincerely appreciate your time and any considerations that you can offer particularly if you think your expertise could make a difference.
I will look forward to hearing what could be possible to explore with much indebted gratitude.
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Greetings
My name is Hadeel Sabti Hmeidan. I adopted my son when he was 1 month old. He is 8 now. When he was six he was diagnosed as ADHD with asperger. He is on concerta medication to help control his hyper activity. He is good in school specially math and reading. I was advised not to put him in international schools. I have the following issues which I need help with
- some times he is aggressive. If some one hit him not intentionally while passing by he his hard and attack as if he was hit hard
- he attacks older kids with no fear. Usually he does not attack but he hits instead of saying I don’t want you to do this. I tried teaching him other methods of communicating but not as successful as I want to be
- I am scared at times when he is angry he says things like if I have a knife I would kill him . He is not in an aggressive environment but he uses aggressive language.
Please assist. I feel overwhelmed
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I have a 13 year old child finally diagnosed with HFA (Aspergers) last year after many fights with school since she was in second grade. We have an IEP that is no where near robust enough to help her generalize the little social skills that they are putting in place for her. About 40 minutes a week 20 group and 20 one-on-one with speech therapist plus 20 minutes of counseling a week. I think the biggest problem for the school is that she is a straight A student in mainstream classes.
We see a child that is so used to rejection nd bullying from her peers that she is beyond sad, depressed and angry. We supplement school based speech and counseling out of school, but she is so smart that the therapists aren’t sure what to do with her. She can answer every social question appropriately but cannot generalize. I have bought several Michelle Garcia Winner books to read with her and am really trying to help, but she hates thinking that she has a problem.
I’m wondering how your program will differ and how we can start to connect with our daughter. She fights me tooth and nail all the time and I’m exhausted. BTW – she has Dravet Syndrome, a genetic based disease that caused epilepsy and may be the root cause of her aspergers diagnosis as well.
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My name is Heather. I have a 6.5 year old child on the high functioning end of the spectrum. I wanted to send you a message over Facebook as that is where I found your content, but, there wasn’t an option. I found your email through your website. I wanted to personally send you a quick message to say thank you for disseminating such important and vital information specifically targeting children who are have Aspergers. Because my son is so high functioning, we have been questioned, ridiculed, and at times been laughed at when trying to explain his struggles. My son is very verbal and friendly and is often labeled as a bad child or an awkward weird child but never autistic. Luckily , his school has recognized the autism and we are getting a lot of help through them. However, we have family members that we cannot be around anymore because of their inability to keep quiet with their unfounded and ignorant opinions on how my son does or doesn't behave. I have had to cut friends out of our lives and find people that share in the same struggles and understanding of what my son struggles with and have real and positive advice to offer. Of course, the public can be very brutal with sneers, looks and whispers. My son sees and notices a lot of it. I have longed for more information so that I can be more equipped to help him navigate his way around people and the world in general. Seeing your articles and constant information about the very same issues we deal with is very encouraging to me and my husband. I have chosen to use my Facebook page to educate people on high functioning autism and what it looks like, how to handle it, maybe recognize it in their own children or in themselves. Thank you for helping and understanding. Please keep posting this content. I rely on it everyday. Thank you.
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Dear Mark,
I purchased your excellent book: "Living with Asperger's (AS) Partner".
Very valuable advice! Helped me improve dealing with my husband of 44 years.
These were challenging years. There is so much that brings us together, yet our different emotional build up caused us a lot of serious, hurtful disagreements and suffering throughout the years.
I stopped reacting to his inconsiderate behaviors in an emotional way, forcing myself to walk away, think through when and how to respond in an effor to avoid such hurtful behaviors on his part in the future.
Yet, although we have been closer...and things were calm, warm and mutually respectful for a while...
Yesterday, we had a couple of old friends visiting.
He starting rushing me to immediately start the (already prepared) dinner although we were not done with appetizers (about half an hour into the visit). Then, when I reached for a small piece of sweetened pineapple treat, he moved the ball away from me, in front of our friends (I am very slightly overweight and have been watching a very healthy diet and lifestyle for the past 4 months, which includes some minor "treats" from time to time, in agreement with my doctor - and it IS working beautifully).
I let it go, and mentioned it only next day: said "it made me feel embarrassed, controlled, afraid to reach for food the rest of the evening, second-guessing his reaction". Asked that "he never does it again", to trust me, "that I am a intelligent 62-year-old woman, and know what I am doing".
His reaction was furious: name calling; that I should be grateful he prevented me from eating more bad food; that all these doctors I am listening too (excellent experts in an online series of newest research on pre-diabetes) are stupid, "why I am even listening and then not (100%, I guess) following their advise etc.
Again, I pointed out I trust myself and don't need him to CONTROL me. He continued to interrupt me, yell at me, even threatening divorce (which he has done 1,000 times before).
What else can I do to make him trust my judgement and not be demeaned like that in front of my friends (and in general) in the future?
My husband, a retired engineer spending most of his time either on his engineering "projects" or watching or playing tennis; prone to angry, often abusive outbursts if under stress; with strong tendency to control and criticise others' behavior, and an underdeveloped empathy, fits 90% of characteristics of a person with Asperger's. My luck;)....
Any other suggestion how I could have handled the situation more effectively?
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Thank you so much!! I have read all of the material and will be joining my fiance after 6 weeks of separation not due to the struggles we have had in our relationship but maintaining our individual homes in different states. I will see him next week and he has asked for a list of things that he needs to correct or do in order for us to get along better. I haven't told him that I believe he has AS and am hesitant to do so, but I want to gear our conversation toward those traits and need help in developing some guidelines for my list. Any suggestions? Also, last year we had a complete breakdown in our relationship and from Jan until July was seeing someone else while we were still together. He has shown a lot of remorse and is confused as to why he did what he did. I have tried to move past his lies, cheating etc and it's strange but in his mind, he doesn't remember much about his affair or acts as if it never happened. I need some pointers should the subject come up, how to handle it .
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There is a lot of info out there about children, but not very much about adults. Sometime I wish I could tell parents what to expect for their children in the future, but hopefully their child will be Bill Gates, not my husband.
For people not diagnosed until adulthood, family and teachers just assume this is a problem kid. My husband set fires in his locker at school, burned down his grandmother’s house, blew up all his toys like the bad kid on Toy Story, later got into drugs and alcohol, dropped out of school, stole cars, went to jail and tried suicide three times.
After we got married (his first marriage at age 37, my second at age 40), he could never hold a job for more than a few days or weeks. He would always end up getting fired for saying the wrong thing at work. I tried so hard to teach him how to act at work, but he would always get angry about something and say something inappropriate.
Intimacy never really worked out with us either. Most of the time he had ED, plus he doesn’t really like anyone too close, especially not leaning on him, or on top of him, or touching his face. He says he “can’t breathe”, or he says it “freaks him out”. So that part of our marriage is basically dead.
He can do a lot but always says he can’t do anything. He knows a lot but claims he doesn’t know anything. There is a lot he can do, but he can’t tell the different between doing something useful and doing something just for the heck of it. Some things he does well, other things he can’t do at all, or says he can’t.
He got diagnosed a few years ago and now collects disability, which is not enough to live on, so we always struggle financially. This is our life now, with no hope for retirement, or having any money to do anything fun.
Maybe his life would have been better if he had been diagnosed in childhood. If we had never met, I suspect he would have ended up homeless.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Thank you for your text yesterday evening. I have a few questions that possibly you could please help me with. My questions are not only about my son, who is 15 and has Aspergers, but about myself and how I deal with him. He is a very sweet boy and he always means well. He is very polite but very timid.
Every school morning, he takes a long time to get ready. I don't know if waking him up earlier would help or if he would just fill up the time. I find myself getting upset with him then getting upset with myself for getting upset with him. I don't really want to spend the time to keep on top of him. But, should I?
He really struggles with homework. He is especially bad at Math. Generally speaking, he takes a long time to do all of his homework. He then gets upset that he does not have free time to see his friends, etc. Should I just get him a tutor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr Hutten: Thank you for your expertise in this field of working with couples who are dealing with Asperger’s within their relationship.
After reading and listing to your book and audio I feel I fall somewhere in the Asperger’s Spectron.
My wife for years has tried to figure out my quirky behaver and emotional lack of interaction with herself and others.
At this point in our relationship she is ready to call our marriage quits.
She recently found your web site and said, I might what to take a look at your material.
What I found did help me understand what I have felt for years. But was not able to articulate until reading your book.
My background Iam a white male 56 years old marred for 18 years two children 10 and 15.
I own a printing company here in San Diego with 5 full time employees for the last 20 years.
To the world I seem to be fully functional normal person who can run a business be married and be a parent.
My wife who I have know for 30 years knows differently and has spent years working with me on trying to get me to connect
Emotionally with herself. I know she deserves 100% myself but I can’t seem to find the strategy’s needed to truly connect with her.
My question is do you take on new clients into your practice who are out of state.
I like the fact that you already have a great understanding on what married couples are going though when one person falls within the Asperger’s spectrum.
I would like to tap your knowledge and expertise in this field to, find strategy’s to help mediate my inability to emotional connect with my wife
and let her know I do care and want to find a path going forward where I can Communicate with her in a meaningful way.
Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated
Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son who is almost 20 was aggressive towards me, his mother, through all of his teen years, due to anxiety - not because he is bad ! He is very kind, clever and was a happy little boy! But due to not having a diagnosis, despite so many attempts where we live to get one - he was not understood at school, or by others generally. We finally had one last year but it was handled so badly he felt totally dejected and it led to more outbursts and blame on me for having given birth to him! It resulted in him being removed from the home last year. With little information on how he is faring due to being classed chronologically as an adult - I am bereft but know that I couldn't cope with his outbursts or unreasonable demands for us to buy him expensive cars etc. We are reliant on social Services to support him and help him to learn about life - after all of my efforts over the years I feel a total failure. Not sure anyone can help when services say they are dealing with an adult although they have no plan as to what to do to support his needs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much. I am currently fighting for my marriage and have the added struggle of an unsupportive step-daughter and son-in-law.
I am currently living in Indiana for the summer but going home to Alabama once a month. Last time I was home there was a big blowup because I wanted that one weekend home with my husband but he ended up bringing his grandsons (as happens every weekend) home instead. The parents have the kids ask and my husband does not want to say no. They are his life. I am not.
Now he is preparing sermons for my next visit home. I love my Bible but he becomes fixated on his and finds verses to prove that I AM THE PROBLEM and he is just suffering through dealing with me. He is the perfect picture of a husband and the fact that he works, provides, and doesn’t drink, makes him perfect and the fact that I desire emotional support is ridiculous.
His latest revelation to me was when I told him time with him was just as important to me as sex was important to him and would he feel unloved if I didn’t want to have sex.
His response to me was to read 2 Samuel 16: 9-12 and followed up with this:
Well, forgive me but I’d rather accept the things that I don’t like or that are of discomfort as to the fear of God and judgement against my own foolish acts of unrighteousness for why should I be a fool in thinking that I do no wrong or justify that my wrongs are actually right. Why should I deceive myself but yet I am my worst enemy.
What in the world is he trying to say to me? I’m so confused, as usual, and our minds just do not work together well at all.
Crying, crying, crying
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
My husband and I adopted three children as toddlers who are now in their teens. Two are biologically related to each other. The eldest, Kino, has never really bonded with us. He endured at least seven different placements before entering our home at age 2 1/2. Both biological parents had poly drug addiction and were arrested for various crimes, so we can only imagine what he was exposed to. As literature on treatment of attachment disorders suggests, conventional discipline and parenting approaches have not proven effective.
Kino is now 17 1/2. He does not have full blown RAD, but he does show definite tendencies across many of the diagnostic criterion. Low empathy, can be quite cruel and hurtful. There is no apology or repair following instances when he has violated or harmed others, and he shows no respect for our parental authority when we assert limits/boundaries and consequences for his misbehavior.
On the other hand, Kino has never been in trouble with the law. He generally observes rules of society, though he shows no deference toward those in authority (coaches, teachers, other adults). Kino is naturally athletic (basketball star at his high school), and endowed with a bright mind but could care less about grades, seems determined to under-achieve, resents being asked to make an effort academically or in other areas.
In general he shows strong narcissistic traits. People in his life serve primarily a utilitarian purpose. His cruelty is often insidious...controlled, not outwardly emotionally reactive but rather calculated, controlled, he’s very adept at manipulating situations and people to ensure he’s in control. Uses his younger sister as a wedge, and often as his surrogate to carry out his bullying, shunning, etc. of others. She is just beginning to understand how he uses her in this manner and we’re trying to help her learn to set boundaries with him when he does this.
Our third child is just four months younger than Kino. Marco suffered TBI and other serious injuries as a baby which have left him compromised in many ways. Kino has targeted Marco, and often if angry with my husband or me, Kino will retaliate by being unkind to Marco. We think Kino is threatened in that Marco is very empathic and although he struggles with emotional regulation due to brain injuries, Marco is very self aware, communicative and able to connect easily with others, in ways that are difficult for Kino.
I’m writing way too much, but essentially interested in knowing how effective your approaches have been with youth with attachment challenges. We are weary and on verge of losing hope. Have considered separating our family, sending him away, etc. but we fear that will only reinforce his belief that he is unworthy of being loved.
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Hi Mark - my name is Jen and am about all the way through your course. Thank you for all the detail and I appreciate your experience.
My son was diagnosed RAD several years ago. Long story. He is now 13. He is emotionally immature. Very frequently doing overly childish behavior.
Many of your suggestions are familiar to me going through therapy but such good reminders, as I get overwhelmed with the day to day and often let things going.
Self-reliant strategies and making sure to praise regularly to give my energy are two main things I am implementing right away.
I am feeling a bit uncertain about implementing the discipline/grounding ideas. Our main therapist who has helped us the most was trained in Beyond Consequences with Heather Forbes. She is now retired. So as you can image, connection as been our main priority but discipline hasn't. He was sooo fantastic for about a year and a half, then 13 hit. 7th grade hit. And we have had a big regression.
He has times where he is so rational, but others that I fear that he is incapable of making choices on how he is acting. Which brings me to my question. If there is a disconnect/lid flip tendency of a RAD kiddo, do you still feel confident that your methods will be effective?
He is a good kid when his brain is working well! His anxiety and fear override and make him so disregulated that it can get scary.
Thanks Mark! I am sure you get so many of these questions. My husband and I have tried so many things over the years that I just want to confirm that if we commit to something that there is a high probability it will be effective.
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Should I allow (with supervision) my just- turned 16-year-old daughter to date an 18-year-old? She has snuck boyfriends in the past, but she told us that if we would allow it, the relationship could be out on the open. The young man could go to church with us, work out with us, hang out with us. I havent been able to trust her in the past. She seems to have ADHD, struggles severely with academics. It seems like she uses her body as one of her greatest assets for acknowledgement. ... like dressing in tight clothing, short shorts. I have fought her on attire for a couple of year now. I have just chosen not to make that issue the deal-breaker.
I also homeschool, but I want her going to a regular school, it am concerned she will wind up pregnant. Any counsel?
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Good afternoon!
Although not formally diagnosed, my 60 year old husband of 30+ years has many characteristics of having Asperger's. We are both educators so it's been manageable for the most part. Life changes have come our way. We have been retired two years and work part time. Our two children are grown.
All these years I have planned, prompted, and steered- foolishly thinking that his awkwardness, rudeness could be covered by my sense of humor and southern charm. However, in the last couple of months I have been unable to "cover". Our social circle is shrinking rapidly. He's offended people from young children to elderly. It seems to be escalating.
Although I have addressed his issues with him, he truly doesn't see that there is a problem.
I'm struggling.... is it due to life's circumstances or our aging?
How do I get him out of his current negative thought pattern?
Do we remove ourselves from situations that bring out the rudeness to spare the feelings of others?
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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Aloha from Hawaii!
I am reaching out desperate and very interested in what I have been reading about your work in trying to seek out some assistance for my 15 year old son.
After seeing a local psychologist for the past year, we both feel that my son may be "on the spectrum" exhibiting a lot of Asperger's Syndrome characteristics with possible video gaming addiction. So PsyD feels my son may need/benefit from more of a psychiatric protocol of treatment with possible mood stabilizers to assist with self regulation.
Although my son was evaluated in 2012 with a resulting axis-I diagnosis of Dyslexia/Dysgraphia (more of the latter is prominent), he has always been a very emotional and rigid learner with poor expression/communication skills that has often impeded the joys of what should've been happier times in his childhood that I often feel guilty about thinking much was my fault as a poorly skilled mother.
With this dysgraphia diagnosis he matriculated successfully to a private special school setting (Assets School) through middle school up until when he felt he was not being helped and wanted to try another private campus for his high school years (an all boys school).
Up until recently, my son has always sought out opportunities to be with friends/others as he is an only child with a limited social network. However, although we've tried to engage him in a number of activities- boy scouts, martial arts, sports, music etc.- he would often lose interest and protest to the point that we allowed him to drop out of these groups.
In lieu of this he unfortunately has found much comfort in devices that has resulted in what we feel is a dependency that tends to drive his moods and isolates him from much else to the point where nothing else exists/matters.
Although there are some good moments, he demonstrates signs of depression and anxiety rarely seeming happy about much and becoming argumentative as well as easily frustrated/angered with himself and others which often results in very destructive meltdowns particularly if he is not allowed unlimited device time. He no longer has much friends that he interacts with and often shares how he doesn't fit in anywhere and is worthless even though he has had much academic success when he wants to extend the efforts and/or is monitored.
With the above being just a general overview of what has become very concerning I am writing to inquire about whether we should have my son further evaluated for an official ASD diagnosis in order to seek our your program/services. If so might there be anyone you could suggest/refer us to in Hawaii, as I have not been too successful in trying to locate a reputable provider who is accepting new patients with adolescent psychiatric expertise with Asperger's or even device addictions- the ones I've been in contact with are not able to take on new cases or have wait lists.
Apologies for this lengthy correspondence as I am hoping this can provide some insights into my situation to discern what to pursue next in trying to reach my son and hoping it is not too late.
I sincerely appreciate your time and any considerations that you can offer particularly if you think your expertise could make a difference.
I will look forward to hearing what could be possible to explore with much indebted gratitude.
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Greetings
My name is Hadeel Sabti Hmeidan. I adopted my son when he was 1 month old. He is 8 now. When he was six he was diagnosed as ADHD with asperger. He is on concerta medication to help control his hyper activity. He is good in school specially math and reading. I was advised not to put him in international schools. I have the following issues which I need help with
- some times he is aggressive. If some one hit him not intentionally while passing by he his hard and attack as if he was hit hard
- he attacks older kids with no fear. Usually he does not attack but he hits instead of saying I don’t want you to do this. I tried teaching him other methods of communicating but not as successful as I want to be
- I am scared at times when he is angry he says things like if I have a knife I would kill him . He is not in an aggressive environment but he uses aggressive language.
Please assist. I feel overwhelmed
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I have a 13 year old child finally diagnosed with HFA (Aspergers) last year after many fights with school since she was in second grade. We have an IEP that is no where near robust enough to help her generalize the little social skills that they are putting in place for her. About 40 minutes a week 20 group and 20 one-on-one with speech therapist plus 20 minutes of counseling a week. I think the biggest problem for the school is that she is a straight A student in mainstream classes.
We see a child that is so used to rejection nd bullying from her peers that she is beyond sad, depressed and angry. We supplement school based speech and counseling out of school, but she is so smart that the therapists aren’t sure what to do with her. She can answer every social question appropriately but cannot generalize. I have bought several Michelle Garcia Winner books to read with her and am really trying to help, but she hates thinking that she has a problem.
I’m wondering how your program will differ and how we can start to connect with our daughter. She fights me tooth and nail all the time and I’m exhausted. BTW – she has Dravet Syndrome, a genetic based disease that caused epilepsy and may be the root cause of her aspergers diagnosis as well.
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