Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child?
Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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My
grandaughter has ashbergers/autism. She is being tested for autism. The
last year she has escalated continuously. Very aggressive. Has run away
twice. Beats on her parents pulls hair and calls them hurtful names.
Her outbursts are awful. Screaming throwing things breaking things
biting parents. Police have come so many things. Some time they take her
to hospital then too a behavior place. Nothing is helping or changing.
The house has so much stress and anxiety in it. Her brother is 14 and
has some issues but he has lived with her doing stuff for years. But she
is so bad and has threatened to kill them several time and the 14 year
old had to go to emergency room with panic attack and anxiety cause she
was coming home from hospital. The cell phone and social media is the
demon. She has had very bad contacts to the point of having restraining
order on him. Was saying he was coming to get her. I am scared for my
daughter and family. Please if you have some insight I would appreciate
it. I am so scared for them all.
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I
am a Mum from the uk with two boys both diagnosed with autism not
Asperger. My eldest also has ADHD and challenging behaviour and is under
a psychiatry and psychology team. Would this program be suitable for my
eldest child as I am at my wits end. He now refuses to go to school and
when I do manage to get him there is goes into meltdown and I have to
take him home. Although he is nine years old his mentality is that of a
much younger child which makes him unable to express his emotion except
through swearing and physical meltdowns and physical aggression towards
myself and other. Meltdowns occur throughout the day and be because I
looked at him or spoke to him. He is a very complex boy and I find it
very hard to predict what might trigger him into a meltdown.
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I
found your website today and am interested in your program for my son. I
finally have a answer for my son's behavior issues at that he presented
from birth. He was always a very difficult child - angry,
argumentative, biting, hitting. He started out as a very cranky
"colicky" baby even though he was breast fed. We had a very successful
nursing relationship for one year. The first mean thing he ever did he
was 4 months old when he bit his older brother and then he turned to
biting other children and it only got worse from there.
I'm
writing today because my son is now 37 years old, and at least towards
me, he still presents as an ODD teen. As you can imagine our
relationship is a disaster. In addition to his serious acting out he
became a drug addicted older teen after his father's death. After
juvenile hall & foster homes I sent him to a 1 year long live in
drug rehab center where he finally got clean, graduated from high school
and has been clean ever since - 20 years now. As far as I know (he is
married & doesn't live with me) he does not have a drug or alcohol
problem.
Will your program be useful to he & I to
get our relationship on track at his age? At this point in a
relationship with him I feel disrespected, dismissed and belittled.
Although I want a relationship with my son, I cannot continue a
relationship with him feeling like this. I am desperate. I lost my
oldest son to PTSD suicide after he returned home from his 3rd tour in
Iraq in 2009. I don't want to lose another child.
I am
100% clear I cannot change another adult's behavior or make them willing
to be in a healthy relationship with me or anybody else. Nor am I
trying to control my son.In order for me to continue in a relationship
with my son I have to be treated with the respect that is appropriate
for one's loving Mother.
I am asking you believe your
program can help ME change MY behavior so that I might interrupt the
negative relationship dance I am in with my son and by doing so, this
may in turn influence his behavior in our our relationship to a more
positive place.
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Hi Mark,
I
have a 6 yr old son who will be 7 on halloween this year who has been
diagnosed with high functioning ASD. He is struggling in school this
year more so then ever before having frequent outbursts. We have been
trying to work with the school to identify interventions that will help
lessen the behaviors as well as identify what might be proceeding his
outbursts however have come up empty handed thus far with limited
information to go off before things get out of control. We received an
email today from the special education teacher not his regular classroom
teacher with the following.
My son and i typically
review his day and highlight the positive and review what we could try
to do differently. We do this to encourage reflection, build on
identifying feelings, and build conversation skills. Today he was
trying to say that he had a bad day because other kids were calling him
names and when he tried to tell the teacher she would not listen to
him. He also told me that they made him a cool down corner, which i
learned he interpreted as actual "cool" down not calm down as well as
very uncomfortable ( i suppose is soliciting more negative sensory
stimuli then helpful).
I feel that i am working with
professionals that are interpreting his behaviors as defiant and engage
in a power struggle with negative consequences like loss of recess or
lunch dentition which has no impact or influence on his behaviors. I
have tried to educate and provide suggestions of what has worked at home
however it seems they will take the simplest thing and apply it
minimally thinking it will work with no success and then revert back to
interventions that work for neurotypical children.
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We
have four boys, with our eldest the challenge. He benefits from all
the traits you list - smart, socially challenged, underperforming,
increasingly disobedient and unhappy, and so on. We have, perhaps
mistakenly, avoided having him tested - it has been clear he is
different since he was small. But it was all manageable. Now it is not,
and it is tearing our family apart. He is refusing to go to school on
any day he has a test or assignment due; he sneaks out to use the
computers downstairs in our condos common area; he swears at us and
calls me names; he threatens to hurt himself, or kill himself. And so
on.
We are wondering what to do, as we live in Bangkok,
Thailand, and there are no suitable schools for really dealing with a
child like this. The teachers see it as a discipline problem, and have
very limited understanding of his challenges. Could you tell me, are
there any great schools in the States, where we could consider moving? A
place that has a fantastic reputation for taking particularly bright
kids, not too far on the spectrum, great with math and writing, who just
is starting to avoid doing his work, pushing back against his parents
any time anything is required of him? We would consider moving back
home, if this were a good option.
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Our
11-yr-old daughter (or will be on the 24th) was diagnosed, through her
school, when she was 4/5 years old with Asperger's. Needless to say,
it's been a long road for my husband and me. We have wonderful support
at the school she attends, but life has been tough.
Without
telling you our whole life story, we were married 18-years with no
kids, and then we adopted Lydia. We took her straight home from the
hospital. She is our only child.
Over a year ago, while
she was in a very safe home environement for daycare, she learned the
word, "penis." She actually was asked to leave the daycare because she
would not stop saying it. She quickly learned to say, "Peanuts" so she
wouldn't get in trouble. She is very clever in rhyming her words, and
she has found this technique often with other words too.
She's
in 5th grade, and this week she looked up "penis" on a school computer,
and was caught. The school did not allow her to go on the field trip
that same day with the rest of her class, as a consequence. We thought
that was fair. However, on her way to the daycare that same day (on the
bus), she used a pen and put it between her legs to make other kids
laugh and said, "this is my penis." The other kids wrote some ugly words
and drew a picture on a piece of paper. It was Lydia's pen/paper, so
now the teachers are investigating who was involved. I don't doubt that
the information Lydia gave me is incorrect. She is normally honest with
me, because I confront her in such a way, that I already know the
details.
With a little history, today she was suspended
from the daycare for two days. I get it. School and daycares have to
protect ALL of the kids, and they can't allow this kind of behavior
tolerated.
Main question: How do we direct her mind away from "Penis?" She is so obsessed with this topic, it's driving me crazy.
What
do we do with Lydia? She smirks a lot when she's in trouble, and yet,
she can cry and act upset too. I say, "act" because sometimes I really
think she is acting... it's a little too dramatic, and she can turn it
off on a dime.
Is anything I'm telling you common with
other Asperger's kids? It's always a challenge to pinpoint what is a
"normal" fifth grade girl tendencies, and what is an exception (if it
should be) labeled as Asperger's and then we should extend a little more
grace.
Lydia is stimulated by sexual things. She
started her period one week before her 10th birthday, so that is another
dynamic to add to her hormones and puberty. I feel like she's a tiger
in a kitten body. How do we control her desires, feelings, emotions? She
has never been sexually abused, but she has always been curious.
I
know you don't have all the answers, but it sure does feel good to vent
and ask someone these questions and express my concerns.
In
August Lydia started piano lessons. It's been fun seeing someone who
has a natural passion for music learning how to play songs. She
obviously has a long way to go, but we're trying to channel some of her
energy.
We love her dearly, and only want the very best
for our precious daughter. We are believer's in Jesus Christ, and we
are confident that God created this human with a purpose and that He has
a perfect design and plan for her life.
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Hi,
I am a paraprofessional, recently started (about 2 weeks) working with
a 5 year old boy. He hasn't been diagnosed as autistic. However he is
receiving ABA in a center.
The boy is non compliant in
his task, even if the therapist tries to cheer him up, reinforce him.
Nothing works. He will keep saying or doing what he wants. Like when non
compliant he is either singing or repeat the words/rhymes he learnt or
stimming (sometimes high).
He has 4 ABA sessions and
still not much help. (Reason: there are more adults in the room as
Mother/Sister, Nanny, Therapist and me. All giving him instructions
(recently started to attend) may be reason of non compliance.)
Recently,
i came to know he was never been exposed to nurseries or any socialism.
He was confined to a room, with TV watching all day, and whatever he
wants were within the reach.
The boy overweighs at 5.
He reflects laziness to completes his task. he walks but difficult to
walk a little. He cannot run/jump/climb maybe due to his weight.
This
is the insight, as i could gather this much data. His mother is not
ready to share anything but expects me to deliver the results.
I will appreciate, if you can share your experience/knowledge to increase my insight on the subject.
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Hi Mark, Your book is saving my mental & physical health!!
I
need your advice about my boyfriend who will be seeing a
Neurologist/Psychiatrist the end of this month. My boyfriend Brendan
'seems like' he is not open to considering AS/ASD or is simply
disinterested in thinking about it. His uncle was diagnosed with ASD a
few years back. So it seems as if there is a stigma about it. I suspect
his genius, computer engineer father might also be ASD from the stories
I've heard. They are a Chinese American family so I'm not sure how their
family's culture impacts their acceptance of this diagnosis. Although
Brendan's mother has told me stories about Brendan's childhood and
teenage years that fit so much with the info I've read through you ASD
book on teenagers.
I will be with Brendan while he is
meeting the Neurologist. The appointment is initially to address past
concussions that Brendan suffered while skateboarding. Is there anyway
that I can gently suggest that he be accessed for AS/ASD? I don't want
him to become defensive or put on the spot. Brendan is 41, I am 10
years older. (And no my father was not Aspergers/HFA :)) It seems like
Brendan has a lot of problems taking care of himself. Your book has
helped me understand why.
He has a job at Trader Joes
(grocery store), he's an extremely hard worker but he must constantly
self medicate with alcohol to get through his day. At this point his
body is addicted to the alcohol. I believe he uses it to cover his AS
and allow him to be more social. Just a bit of backstory---Brendan was a
professional skateboarder for 20 years. He had a unique style that no
one could imitate. He broke 52 bones in his body at different times.
His left knee 3 times. His pain threshold is so high that many times he
didn't know he had broken anything. He now has arthritis in the knee and
it pops out of place quite often and he ends up having to leave work.
I'm telling you this because I think it would be a good idea if Brendan
were assessed so that he could at least have access to some possible
services and also job accommodation.
Mark, thank you so
very, very much again for your book. I'm a University Librarian and
have access to a plethora of books about AS/APD and your book has been
by far the best I have encountered!!
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Hello,
I am writing today due to the fact that I am doing a project about
Asperger's Syndrome and after looking over your website after much
research thought that somebody from the facility would be able to help.
I
am a second year psychology student from Liverpool Hope University and
at the moment we are focusing on clinical psychology. We are looking to
see how psychological treatments can affect the quality of those with
those in my case living with Asperger's Syndrome.
I was
just writing to know that if somebody would be able to help me and just
answering a couple of questions as I need a professional to help me
within my research.
I would be very grateful if somebody would be able to help me. I look forward to a response.
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Hi Mark
My
wife and I have been struggling with our older son (14) who we believe
has AS (I have it as well). We have gone through many of the suggested
strategies for young people who are wired like him, but at the moment we
are in a crisis, and the atmosphere in the house is becoming toxic and
having a bad effect on all of us, including our younger son.
We
are now working with the school and the CAMHS (Child and Adolescent
Mental Health Team), but I'm not sure how much progress we're making.
While he is doing ok at school, he is struggling with relationships,
experimenting with cannabis and generally trying to control the house.
Tonight
we're trying a behavioural contract, but again we're not sure whether
it will make much difference, as it's hard to think of any sanctions he
will accept of rewards that we can give him.
I was wondering if you had any thoughts regarding this.
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Dear Mark,
Thank
you so much for taking your time to help us parents with Asperger
kids. I was glad that I found your website because we are lost
concerning our Asperger daughter.
My
12 year old daughter was diagnosed with Asperger this Summer. She
always has a problem making friends. Throughout her sixth grade, she
was being bullied badly, but she would not tell us about it. She was
never a talker. When she had a bad day, she would withdraw to herself
even more. I found out about the bullying because of the bruises on her
arm or leg. I questioned her about it. She would tell me that so and
so kicked me or hit me. I was furious and met with the principle. I
found out that this Christian school did not want to deal with bullies.
I transferred my child to a smaller Christian school this year and
shared her Asperger syndrome with the principle and teachers so that
they are aware of her situation.
My
concern now is how to help her interact with us at home and at a group
setting. She would ignore us when we asked her about her day at
school. She only talks when she needs to. She loved to attend the
youth group at our church. Once she gets there, she would go off to
another room by herself. The youth leader was concern about her and
want to know how to help her. The teachers tell me that she does not
eat her lunch and goes off and pace by herself. Any advice you can
provide would be greatly appreciated.
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Dr. Hutten
I am an INFJ with Aspergers. Recently
diagnosed within the last month or so. I am 45 years old have two NT
children and a NT wife and another daughter who has high functioning
autism. My largest concern at this time is my relationship with my
spouse and overcoming what I once believed to be anger management
problems, and now know were actually Asperger's meltdowns. I have known
for many years that these outbursts were not "me" and have been beating
myself up with guilt and shame for years. The meltdowns with my spouse
involve cursing and yelling occasionally name-calling. In most cases I
am able to leave the situation and find a quiet place.
At
this point my wife has separated and is living with my in-laws with my
children. She doesn't feel I will ever be able to avoid these
meltdowns. She's a wonderful person who is looking out for herself and
my children and I want to find a method to make her feel confident in my
ability to manage my outbursts. I have purchased your program and look
forward to implementing many of the strategies. Late to the game but
much relieved to have a diagnosis that explains so much about my mental
health. I am a social worker for a government agency, I am well liked
by my coworkers, boss and claimants.
In 15 years
I have only had one or two meltdowns at work. The one was induced by
jackhammering. At home the meltdowns occur several times a week. I've
been reading multiple strategies teachers coping with children with
Asperger's hoping to find techniques to stop these meltdowns. I have
study meditation and in the past, as well as multiple relaxation
techniques. Unfortunately the triggers bypass the Logical mind. Thank
you for listening to my story and thank you for your program.
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Hi Mark,
I have been reading bits about your offering and interested in finding
out more however we are in the midst of our daughter (6.5years)
undergoing testing for ASD Aspergers; ADHD, and other things to find out
what's going on with her and gain a clearer picture. She was getting
treated for anxiety through a child psychologist as she is highly
anxious in some situations but it doesn't seem to be helping. Our
Pediatrician (after observing her in the classroom and playground - both
of which had 2 very different ob's) feels she needs to undergo the ADOS
testing. We are so new to this and I don't want to jump the gun to buy
your books in case we are not even dealing with ASD as we don't know
yet.
Are you in Australia or abroad?
We don't even know if Ados tests will give us a clearer
picture/diagnosis. We would rather it be anxiety but we would rather
know for sure what we are dealing with.
In a nutshell - would it be best to wait before coming on board with
your products so that we are channelling our reading in the most
relative area. We are very time poor as she also has encopresis which
sparked this whole behavioural investigation.
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Thank you very much for your welcoming message Mark, I truly appreciate it. I will be reaching out to you, as I do have questions etc. My son is 17 and high functioning Asperger's. There are many groups in Orange County Calif., however, I've found they're not for us. I've found that most people still want to fit the square peg into a round hole and not accept that people on the spectrum are different, and each individual case is different and for the most part, do not wish to fit into that round hole. Which I feel is a good thing.
I don't want my son to be a sheep following what is the so-called norm, I want him to make friends yes, but on his terms, but of course in accordance with social expectations and boundaries. Which then makes it even more difficult for him to want to put himself into a social situation to attempt to make friends. Which is my quandary. His fear of rejection, no matter how much I reassure him etc, his fear of rejection prevents him from taking the risk of trying to make new friends, yet he is lonely and he does get depressed at times (which is heartbreaking for me to see). I'm trying to get him to attend a teen church group, but he is on the fence about it for now. What's a loving supportive Mom to do?
I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've heard this story in varying ways, hundreds of times by now. But any words of advice or recommendations, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to listen. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a wonderful day!
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Mark,
I have been looking
on the internet for help for my daughter as she has little time to look
for resources. I was impressed with some of your articles, sent her the
info and want to get your advice.
Stacie
and Andy pastor a large church in California and have 3 children:
Caedmon 11; Sammy 9 (adopted at 1 ½ from Ethiopia) ; and Karis 4.
After
continual pursuit of answers for Caedmon’s behavior and lack of social
skills, etc., Caedmon was finally tested and given a diagnosis of high functioning autism with ADHD and mood disorder. He
is a ‘negative’ child most of the time. He is on a med (?) for
anxiety. He is becoming more physically aggressive in his behavior with
younger children at school as well as his sister and brother.
(Strangle hold on brother; pushing down steps, etc.) He is clever kid
but is resistant to any help in that he sees no ‘need’ and has little
empathy. He is extremely picky about what he eats and will sneek
granola bars, sugar drinks, etc. whenever possible.
He
is being bullied at school (which he likely aggravates) and then comes
home to bully his brother and sister and other younger children.
They
have a wonderful family counselor, a child psychiatrist, and have in
the last few months gotten approved for ABA therapy after school which
Caedmon is not pleased about. He asks ‘if the terrorist’ is coming
today and declares everyone is just out to ruin his life. He is a big,
strong 11 year old and we are concerned about what to do next. His main
‘consequences’ at this time are removal of screen time, ipad, etc. –
extra chores – no football on TV and ‘reasoning’ with him.
My
daughter is an early childhood educator, who has stayed home with the
children. Her husband is very supportive and ‘in the game.’ They are
trying to avoid just throwing drugs at him and but are finding it hard
to get help that makes a difference. He has long case studies that go
way back….just trying to give you a quick summary.
Questions:
Is there hope for something better as they approach the teen years, which we have heard will only get worse.
Is there a point at which you remove him from the home and seek a ‘boot camp’? Is there such a thing to help train him?
Do
you have connections with people in San Jose, CA that you could refer
them to ….here again how do you prioritize what really helps and what is
affordable?
Are you available to just talk with the parents on the phone and be able to better evaluate where they are?
Thank-you for taking time to read this and offer your insights.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I have tried unsuccessfully to find a life coach for my 24 3/4 year old son. He has Aspergers, ADHD, chronic back pain and chronic foot pain making it difficult for him to stand for any significant length of time. He just had rhizotomy treatments which have improved the pain significantly. The plan is to start weaning him off pain medicine over the next couple of months. His doctor felt it would be cruel to start this process as we were just getting ready to go on vacation. He has never abused his medication. However, he has lived with back pain ruling his life for ten years. Now he needs help refocusing his life, setting goals and actually following his through on the steps needed to achieve them. He says he knows he needs a college degree to get a good job, but I can’t even get him to shower or maintain his room or perform simple household chores to contribute to family life. Will you please give me some info about life coaching as mentioned in your book? I got the impression that you provide these services yourself sometimes. I would be very interested in your help and advice. We have tried a system of rewards there was no real effect on his behavior. I love my son but I’m losing hope that he will ever be independent and at his age, he will not be covered under our health insurance much longer. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
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Mr. Hutten,
I’ve enjoyed listening some of your
videos and podcasts in regards Aspergers. I’ve been married for almost
15 years with a man much older than me that happens to have Aspergers.
He has never been diagnosed, but the more I learn about this condition,
the more I’m certain he has it. It is the only explanation I can find to
his uncaring and confused behavior. I am burnt out, depressed,
frustrated, and I’ve lost my identity during all these years. I want to
thank you for explaining this condition to the world, since the
community I live (family, friends, church) would never understand the
strains and sufferings I have to experience every day. I can’t divorce
because of my religion and family, but I’m so exhausted and stressed
that sometimes I dream about dead. Feel free to contact me if you ever
want to hear my story.
Neurocognitive disorders affect cognitive abilities (e.g., learning, memory, perception, and problem solving). The DSM-5 defines six key domains of cognitive function: social cognition, perceptual-motor function, learning and memory, language, executive function, and complex attention.
