Search This Blog

Parenting Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

By

Addressing the Root Causes of Disobedience in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“How can I get my 9 y.o. son (high functioning autistic ) to obey and do as he's told? He won't do his homework and refuses to clean his room. He is defiant and talks back. When we try to discuss these problems with him in a peaceful, mature manner, he usually ends up getting angry and yells at us. And with the recent start of summer school, things have gotten much worse. What are we doing wrong?”

Unfortunately, disobedience is an issue more common in High-Functioning Autism (HFA) than in the general population. It can occur for numerous reasons. For example, anxiety, low-frustration tolerance, sensory sensitivities, social skills deficits, difficulty understanding emotions and their impact on others, when rituals can’t get accomplished, when the youngster's need for order or symmetry can’t be met… just to name a few. Thus, it’s important to understand that in many cases, the child’s oppositional behavior may be a symptom of some underlying issue related to his or her disorder.



Children on the autism spectrum possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors related to their disorder that may result in the appearance of willful misbehavior. For example:
  • They tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies.
  • They suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. Mindblindness often gives parents the impression that their HFA child is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They may have other issues like ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
  • They may have anxiety about a current or upcoming event (e.g., the start of school).
  • They may fixate on their own interests and ignore the interests and opinions of others.
  • They may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • They may be unable to resist giving in to their obsessions and compulsions.
  • They may be reluctant to participate in an activity they can’t do perfectly or an activity that is difficult.
  • They have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. 
  • They have difficulty understanding rules of society.
  • They have difficulty transitioning to another activity (this is especially hard if the current activity is not finished).
  • They don’t understand social cues.
  • They don’t understand implied directions.
  • They don’t know how to “read between the lines.”
  • They don’t “take in” what is going on around them.
  • They can’t fully appreciate what impact their behaviors have on others.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as they may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • The parent or teacher changes a circumstance or rule that has been established.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for these “special needs” kids, resulting in an inability to tolerate the little frustrating things that come up throughout the day.
  • Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these kids even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • Due to trouble handling changes in routine, a simple variation in schedules may be enough to cause a meltdown.
  • Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “typical” kids naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation.
 
Any or all of these triggers can result in certain behavioral patterns that “look like” disobedience (e.g., arguing, tantrums, refusing to listen, etc.). However, their responses to these triggers often have more to do with anxiety and rigidity than their need to defy authority.

So, what can parents do to help their HFA child to cope better? Do some investigation and create a plan:

The Investigation— 

1. Keep a journal (or if it is a frequently occurring behavior, keep a chart) for noting every incidence of the targeted behavior (e.g., the child getting angry when asked to stop playing video games and start doing homework).

2. Include the time of day the behavior occurred.

3. Think of what might have happened directly before the behavior, and also earlier in the day.

4. Think, too, of what happened during and directly after the behavior, and whether it offered your child any reward (even negative attention can be rewarding if the alternative is no attention at all).

5. Ask yourself the following questions. Does the behavior tend to:
  • occur when things are very noisy or busy?
  • occur when something happens - or doesn't happen?
  • occur when routine is disrupted?
  • occur in anticipation of something happening?
  • occur during transitions?
  • occur after a certain event?
  • be more frequent during a certain time of day?

6. Keep track over the course of a few weeks and look for patterns.

7. Take the data from your journal or chart (e.g., patterns you've discovered, observations on environments, etc.) and see if you can figure out what's behind the behavior. For example:
  • Maybe your child acts-out because “being good” gets him or her no attention.
  • Maybe your child explodes over something inconsequential because he has used up all his patience weathering frustrations earlier in the day.
  • Maybe your child begs for punishment because going to her room feels safer than dealing with a challenging situation.
  • Maybe your child balks at math when he or she sees too many problems on the page.

8. Once you have a working theory, make some changes in your youngster's environment to make it easier for him or her to behave appropriately. For example:
  • Recognize situations your child feels challenged by, and offer an alternative between compliance and disobedience.
  • Instead of being happy that your child seems to be handling frustrating situations, provide support earlier in the day so that his patience will hold out longer.
  • If your child’s worksheet has too many problems, fold it to expose only a row at a time, or cut a hole in a piece of paper and use it as a window to show only one or two problems at once.
  • Give your child lots of attention when she is being good - and none at all for bad behavior (other than just a quick and emotionless timeout).

 ==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
 
You may not always guess right the first time, and not every change you try will work. Effective parents will have a big bag of tricks they can keep digging into until they find the one that works that day, that hour, that minute. But analyzing behavior and strategizing solutions will help you feel more in control, and your youngster will feel safer and more secure. This alone often cuts down on a lot of “misbehavior.”

The Plan—

The basic idea in developing a behavior-management plan for an HFA youngster is to try many different strategies and find the management techniques that work best for him or her. This is an ongoing process. As working strategies are identified, they can be added to the plan and used when the child starts to get upset.

Some kids refer to their behavior-management plans as their “toolbox” and the specific strategies they use to control their behavior and emotions as their “tools.” This analogy may be very helpful. You can take this even further by creating a physical box for your child to put the strategies in (written on pieces of paper). And you could be really creative and have the pieces of paper shaped like various tools.

Again, it’s important to identify the specific behavior-management strategies that work best for your child. These strategies should be put down in a formal plan for referral when he or she encounters an aggravating event. It is also important to explore how different techniques may be used at different times.

Referring back to the toolbox, a screwdriver can be very useful, but not for pounding in nails. Application: An HFA youngster may feel better after running around in the yard, but this may not be possible when he or she is getting upset about something in the classroom. Strategies need to be in place to handle the different situations that may arise.
 

By

Meltdowns and the 9 Temperaments of Children with Asperger's and HFA

A meltdown appears to most parents as a tantrum. However, a meltdown has more to do with the child's temperament, whereas a tantrum has more to do with the child's anger at not getting his or her way.

There are nine different temperaments in children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism (HFA):


1. Poor Adaptability: This shows itself when Asperger's and HFA children resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities. Change in routine is very difficult for kids on the spectrum.

2. Negative Persistent: This is seen when the Asperger's or HFA youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining. This occurs because he or she hasn't learned any other way to deal with frustration yet.

3. Negative Mood: This is found when Asperger's and HFA children appear lethargic, sad and lack the energy to perform a task.

4. Low-Sensory Threshold: This is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others, for example.

5. Irregular: This moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.

6. Initial Withdrawal: This is found when Asperger's and HFA children get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.

7. Hyperactive: This predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.

8. High-Intensity Level: This moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.

9. Distracted: This predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the parent.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot parents can do when a meltdown occurs in a child on the autism spectrum. The best thing they can do is to train themselves to recognize a meltdown before it happens and take steps to avoid it. This task is made much easier when parents identify their child's predominant temperament. 

By

Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

By

Rebuilding Self-Esteem in Discouraged ASD Teens: Tips for Parents

“Dustin, my son with high functioning autism, recently turned 13. He started back to school this week (8th grade) and we are already having some issues. He still has a hard time engaging with other classmates, his personal hygiene is lacking (e.g. hates to shower or comb his hair), and he’s simply not interested in the current fads or topics of conversation among his peer-group. Now he tells us that he’s being teased by a few kids in his class. Last school year, he 'failed' socially and became completely ostracized from his peer-group and felt a sense of general isolation from everybody. It appears that we are going to have a repeat performance of these issues again this time around. He mostly just stays to himself (playing his digital piano and video games in his room). How can I help my son in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

Due to the fact that the adolescent with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) tends to be a loner, develops odd mannerisms, and has poor people skills in general, he can be shunned from the peer-group and be the focus of teasing, thus resulting in low self-esteem – and even depression.



Here are some symptoms to look for in your HFA son’s behavior when he is “failing” socially:
  • Frequent stomach aches, headaches, etc.
  • Appears depressed
  • Preference for isolation at home or school 
  • Poor academic performance
  • Starts refusing to go to school or skips classes
  • Increase in anger and frustration
  • Disengagement from peers
  • Conflicts at school with peers or teachers

Young people on the autism spectrum possess certain traits - and face certain obstacles - that “typical” adolescents don’t. For example, they: 
 
(a) don’t understand the importance of eye contact – and may avoid it altogether; 
 
(b) have trouble understanding jokes or sarcasm; 
 
(c) seem insensitive or look unemotional, but often they just don't know how to express how they're feeling; 
 
(d) don’t understand socially acceptable ways to express frustration and may become aggressive or throw tantrums; 
 
(e) feel "sensory overload" (e.g., have heightened senses that can make noises seem louder and more startling); 
 
(f) are socially awkward since they have difficulty processing social cues (e.g., body language, sarcasm, humor, figurative language, emotional responses, facial expressions); 
 
(g) have trouble coping with change and may not react well to changes in routine; and 
 
(h) prefer to be alone and may not show an interest in making friends.

Your son, Dustin, needs to decide for himself when he will work on his poor people skills. I’m sure it’s tough for you to sit back and watch him struggle in the social arena, but you should try to let things play out on their own time. To charge-in and assert that Dustin “needs to work harder on developing some friendship skills” will only add to his low self-esteem and sense of being an “odd ball.”

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder 

Possibly, your son is simply not in a head-space where he is ready to make changes (but when he gets older, he may start to feel differently). Some of the reasons why Dustin may not be up for addressing his social skills deficits may include the following:
  • He may be particularly put-off about the idea of accepting help or criticism from you, the parent
  • He may not think there is any hope of improving
  • He may not see himself as awkward, just different
  • He may realize he has some things he needs to work on, but doesn't feel they are a priority at the moment
  • He may recognize he has some social problems, but is ashamed of them
  • He may be perfectly content to stay at home all the time and play video games
  • His lack of social skills may not have cost him enough yet (e.g., the teenager who doesn't need a lot of friends and who is content to spend his free time on the computer is not losing much by being ostracized from the peer-group)

In any event, here are a few ideas that you can use to help your HFA son deal with his social skills deficits:

1. While Dustin may have some real social weaknesses, in other ways, he may be different from the norm in a way that is perfectly valid. Those differences may be tied to social skills deficits, but you need to distinguish between true deficits and normal variations in personality. For instance, there's nothing wrong with being a bit reserved, being uncomfortable in certain social situations, having a unique hobby, having an odd sense of humor, or preferring to spend time alone. Thus, it would be helpful to not come across like you are rejecting Dustin’s core self.

2. Try to avoid feeling disappointed in your son. Maybe you were somewhat popular in school and can't really understand how Dustin seems to be having the opposite experience you did. Maybe you always hoped he would be a great saxophone player or football player, and you can't help but roll your eyes when he spends all Sunday afternoon playing “childish” video games in his bedroom (i.e., games that much younger children might play).

3. Try not to get angry with your son for not realizing he has a problem, or not wanting to do anything about it. True, the problem seems so obvious to you, but Dustin probably doesn’t see things the same way. For instance, he may tell you that it is impossible for him to make friends. His logic and explanations may not make sense to you, but he still seems to believe them.

4. Point your son to some resources (e.g., books, videos, CDs, etc.) that discuss self-help strategies for people looking to develop interpersonal skills.

5. Don’t feel that you have “failed” somehow as a parent because your “special needs” teenager is awkward, or because you didn't step in earlier. You may be prone to feeling guilty or blaming yourself if your son is going through a tough time. The fact is that most HFA adolescents are simply emotionally immature compared to their “typical” peers. After all, they have a “developmental disorder.”

6. Dustin may fare best with one or two close friends with whom he can practice teen social skills and "adult" behaviors. Even one relatively close relationship can make the difference between a depressed, awkward teen -- and one who is beginning to learn valuable social skills with a select few others.

7. It takes time for adolescents on the autism spectrum to improve their social skills. If your son does start working through his issues, don't feel like he is dragging his feet or not working hard enough if he doesn't transform over a period of a few months. In addition, give him space to change at his own pace. Maybe he will be eager about making some changes for a few months, but then get distracted by other things for a while.

8. Don't make your son feel monitored, or that your approval is connected to his rate of progress. For instance, you go to a family cookout and Dustin doesn’t feel like mingling with other family members, but you watch him to see if his ability to socialize has improved. Give Dustin the impression that you accept him for who he is – unconditionally! Of course, you will be delighted for him and share in his success if he makes some positive changes. But if he doesn't, you're O.K. with that too.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder 

9. If you were socially awkward as a teenager, some of your own baggage may come up as you witness your son struggling. You may frantically want to help him avoid some of the social blunders you made. But, he will need to learn from his own mistakes rather than from yours.

10. If you have already tried to help your son with his social awkwardness, but he shot you down, try to avoid feeling slighted or resentful. Don’t take it personally. He will take a hard look at himself and the changes that may need to happen when the timing is right.

11. If there is a relative or family friend your son may be more open to talking to, mention that person’s name. For example, maybe he will be more open to chatting with his uncle who he looks up to.

12. Pick a moment when you have time to talk and your son is in a decent mood. Tactfully mention that you've noticed that he seems to be having some trouble with __________ (fill in the blank with the problem in question), and that if there is anything you can do to help, you are there for him. He may deny that there is a problem or want the conversation to be over. But even if he gives that response, you can still lay out some options for him.

13. Try to engage your son in an activity or program where there are adult mentors to help him increase his self-esteem and build self-confidence. Research reveals that having just one activity in a teen’s life where he feels successful will result in a higher sense of self-esteem and a greater ability to negotiate a variety of social situations.

14. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for your son. It's only natural that you want to make his pain go away, but that attitude often results in over-protective parenting that tends to make a bad problem worse (e.g., doing too much for your son to the point where he never learns to do things for himself).

15. Young people on the autism spectrum need extra time to learn and practice adult life-skills, because their “emotional age” is much younger than their “chronological age.” In other words, your son is 13-years-old chronologically, but emotionally, he is probably more like a 9-year-old. So, the earlier you begin helping out in the area of social skills training – the better!

Children with HFA eventually go through adolescence on their way toward becoming strong, focused adults -- regardless of the misinformation you may have been fed. While adolescence is a difficult time for all teenagers, it can easily be much worse for those dealing with an autism spectrum disorder. However, with the right education and support, most HFA adolescents go on to graduate from high school.



__________

As the years go by, are you seeing your HFA or AS child rapidly becoming reduced to a person who is surviving on: anger, being a mistake, depression, hate, isolation, low self-esteem, resentment, sadness and self-hate. Have you heard your  teenager say things like: I'm a mistake. I'm dumb. I'm useless. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. What is wrong with me? Why was I born? If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen! Low self-esteem and behavioral problems go hand-in-hand! 

==> CLICK HERE for help on the matter...


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I have a 12 year son with HF autism , it has been so difficult to have conversation the past year.
•    Anonymous said… I think online school is the best option. Grooming is tough but my son is Ten and we use a reward system that includes play dates with friends. We also have a support group of 5 boys that also have Asperger's. We get together once a month. It's great to have parents to talk to about the issues that come up. My advice look for local support. Ask him what you can do to help him with his hygiene. Look into online school. Lastly find a career option that he is already obsessed with. Start classes in that. My son is obsessed with video games and he spent the summer in coding camps. You can do this dig deep they need our help!
•    Anonymous said… I wish there were more social groups for kids with special needs to get together. The school tries to offer social skills but it really is no contender for real life relations.
•    Anonymous said… My 15 YO son started 10th grade last week. We moved and changed school districts over the summer and he has decided that he wants to "reinvent himself". I am still having to remind him of showers/deodorant/shave/etc, but it is not he fight it has been in the past. He is conscientious of his clothing and has even shown interest in keeping his backpack more organized. I know it has only been 2 days but I consider it a step in the right direction. I think it helps that he is only doing 3 classes at the high school and then has an hour and a half break before going to 2 classes at the tech school for engineering. He says those are "his people". He came home Friday and a girl at the tech school came up and asked to sit w him during lunch. They talked for a long time before they both agreed that they should say their names and introduce themselves. He was so stimmy and excited when he got home. He said they both laughed when they were talking about how awkward they each were. He got invited into a group text about a class project. It all seems so simple but very few understand how big of a deal this is. Last year, he spent a ton of time in his resource classroom. That was his safe space. I think it gave him some confidence to be around other students like him. I also think that he is simply just ready this year. He has aged a bit and is talking about getting a job. It isn't that has happened in the past by trying to force it, so I am just going with it. He is just finally ready and has loads of resources and copying skills to help him along the way. I hope this gives you a bit of hope that it can get better...it may be on his schedule but that is ok.
•    Anonymous said… my son became suicidal because of school so I took him out and quit my job. we are poor, but he is alive. I do not think children with autism should be forced to conform to neurotypical environments. it becomes a form of child abuse. I am also aware that many parents have no choice, but find an alternative to school for the child's sake. think about it this way, how would you feel being forced to spend all day in an environment where everyone speaks a different language than you, but you were told to Buck up and blend in or bullied. you would leave right? learning the new language would help, but that is like asking a blind person to learn to see so that everyone else feels better when they are around.
•    Anonymous said… Same here....doing home school....showering clothing choices ect...starting high school today....in the diningroom
•    Anonymous said… School. Ugh!
•    Anonymous said… So hard. I engage with my son as much as I can, fortunate enough to be self employed and live close to school so pop in at morning tea and lunch times to check in
He's usually by himself but chooses too. We have family friends whose children also attend and they come up to me to say hi and whether they've hung out with him which is amazing and nice. I dont do it every day, maybe once or twice a week . Really helps keep him focused and I can deal/ chat with teachers anytime too. Communication and participation are vital i think
•    Anonymous said… This is what I am totally afraid of this year. It's going to be a tough one.
•    Anonymous said… This might sound INSANE to other people but the best I have done for my son is find a church with a good kids program. Generally the children in church are just taught to accept differences. They work out the differences easily and don't just toss other kids to the side.... hang in there mama you are doing amazing.
•    Anonymous said… Very similar situation, with a daughter (gr 7). I've got no advice, I'm sorry. But am interested in the advice .
*    Rita said... Acknowledge to yourself and your son that he is wired differently from most people. Stop expecting him to behave and react like them. The book "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison was helpful to my son at age 14. It showed him that Aspies also have some positive differences. Focusing on finding what your son is good at and promoting it will help with the self-esteem. We were fortunate to be able to send ours to computer camp to start learning some marketable skills beyond playing games.

Post your comment below…
By
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

2024 Statistics of Autism in Chinese Children

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has emerged as a significant public health concern worldwide, and China is no exception. As of 2024, new rese...