Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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My daughter was adopted at birth and diagnosed with Aspergers in 4th grade. Fast forward to this year. She hates us and we have had a horrible year as a junior in highschool. Chloe has progressed to the point where she runs away and has stayed with her birth mother, acquaintences, and so called “friends”. We have tried all these years with psychologists and psychiatrists. She has been been on medications and she believes it is all my husband’s and my fault she is messed up because we made her take these drugs! Her doctor’s said she needs to be in treatment at a facility twice this past summer. That was the worst decision in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I could take back this whole year I would and I would never listen to these so called professionals!! That time in these places destroyed any relationship that could have been. I am positive things were not handled correctly considering her adoption and aspergers together. Between these 2 parts of her personality her life has fallen apart and I’ve lost my daughter. Nobody would listen and the schools and doctors made everything worse. My world has fallen apart!
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My marriage has failed. I had posted my thoughts on the subject on facebook because I wanted to share with people about the changes in my life. A friend of mine that has known me for years reaches out to me whose child has recently been diagnosed with ASD. She used to live with me for at least a year or two and asked me if I had looked into Aspergers before because she began to think specifically of me while she was learning about her child. About three years ago a pediatrician had met me for the first time and then asked my wife if I had Aspergers. I did not follow up on this because it seemed ridiculous. A year later my third child, my second son, was diagnosed with ASD. He is moderate to severe. Now that my friend has reached out to me I began to take her thoughts seriously. Since I was on the edge of divorce which is now inevitable, I was much more open. I began to read about Aspergers and watch videos on youtube and I almost cried because of just how much it made sense to me... the isolation, the depth of intense emotion, and the great difficulties in social interaction, etc, etc. While I may not have a strong case which we might seen as portrayed in Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, which I believe is just an acted portrayal to extenuate the obvious, I do believe that I may suffer from some form of Aspergers, ever if just a mild case. My wife has insisted that I am narcissistic but I don't feel that on the inside at all. I have difficulty understanding most people and am often misunderstood. I have many friends who have experienced social awkwardness. I have not found an affordable method of obtaining a formal diagnosis, and even then I am afraid that I will not receive it. It would be very confusing to me if it were not so given the cogency of this perspective. I know that not all psychologists are the same, with varying degrees of knowledge concerning ASD, and so I fear that I could receive a wrong conclusion depending upon who does the evaluation. Please share your thoughts with me in this regard. I would greatly appreciate it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is high functioning but he still struggles with alot as far as school, he has autism and a central auditory processing disorder and adhd....im fighting back amd fourth with his school to have him placed in a smaller setting and its been a year and im still fighting to get my son the best education he deserves im uneducated when it comes to his disorder i try to understand it a little more each day i want to know if you have any referral sources for me to help me be a better advocate for my 8 year old son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello
I have a 17 year old who just found out he has HFA and is devastated. Even when his father and I heard the news, it didn't make sense. We thought he just had been suffering from depression all his life but the more we learn about HFA, the more we realize that you're describing our son. However, he doesn't seem so typical...he plays baseball but that's his only other interest besides video games, he doesn't seem not to get along with friends but when he's tired of them, he pushes them to the curb with no empathy, he never invites friends over, and he says he has no feelings for us, his parents,.. he's adopted.
But if anyone met him on the surface, they would never suspect anything. They describe him as funny, a nice kid and everyone loves him. Hes never been picked on in school. But it's an act.
Anyway, my question to you is, how do we get him used to the idea that he has this. It was suggested to him by his therapist and ever since then, he doesn't want to talk about it, or deal with it. He wants to bury it. He always thought of a kid with autism as a "nerd" and he says he's not that kid. And I understand, I never would have guessed on the surface, but the more I learn about it, I think his therapist is right.
Any suggestions?
I would do anything to help out this kid. He has been dealing with this for a long time and we need help before he graduates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My husband and I realized he had aspergers about 3 years ago. We have two small kids. I am working on letting go of the resentment but its hard. Especially because no one really knows except me that he has it so I can't really talk about it openly. I have been reading your ebook and listening to the audio clips from your seminar. They are extremely helpful. Its really hard to find the right resources. Your book and audio clips are spot on our challenges.
I have been struggling to find the right therapist for my husband and I that has experience in this area. I have seen psychologists and find them helpful for me. My husband has gone too which is a good step but I think we need someone with more knowledge of Aspergers. Is there a website of therapists you would recommend? We live in Northern Virginia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
We have HFA 14yr old teenager( Ethan). He under treatment for anxiety. He is taking cymbalta and adderal for Adhd. We have many issues : failing grades , poor hygiene., little or no social connection with anyone in 9th grade. He has not friends in the neighborhood. Based on our knowledge , this is normal for HFA kids.
We try to provide support and guidance on his difficulties. He does have consequence for non-compliance. Currently , he has lost all phone and video game privileges. He can be defiant to discipline at times.
When we offer advice and or get him professional help , he is resistant to needing help. He doesn't think he has anxiety or depression.
He tells every psychiatrist that he does not have anxiety and doesn't need medicine. He does it only for his parents.
WE remind him to shower and brush teeth every day. He often lies about it or makes an excuse not to do either. When he does clean himself , he does a poor job.
As parent we knows something is wrong, but HE WONT ADMIT ANY difficulty or the fact that is autistic in even a minor way.. He will argues this to the end. As far as he is concerned he is normal teen and does not see much difference between himself and other teens. Any issues he is having he thinks he can handle it himself. He has the maturity of a 5-6th grader in a 14yr old body.
. He is smart enough to come up with lots of excuses ( tired, lazy, sleepy, etc)
He is too big and too old to hold his hand on hygiene and he is self aware enough to know that he is too old for parents to see him naked or help do basic hygiene like teeth brushing.
When he was younger I could forcibly clean him but now he just shuts bathroom door and comes out. I cannot verify if he uses soap at all.. many times his hair is not washed at all.
when he is confronted with his failures, he makes simple excuse that he is tired.
But it seems he is tired all the time. i know he is frustrated but getting him to admit that he is having struggles is nearly impossible.
What advice can you offer? We need help. I keep thinking if we could get him recognize that he needs help, he would follow our guidance more.
Even for schoolwork, we he thinks his strategy is working and he is failing.
Where should we start?
One final note, his mother and I are divorced but have good communication and co-parenting. He lives primarily with his mother. I have him every other weekd and every Wednesday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark Hutten,
my wife and I have read you article "Parents with Asperger Syndrome"on
http://theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html
Being parents of five wonderful now adult children my wife Elisabeth and I initially felt that you were a little too sombre in your approach, but we have come to realise that my ASD has been more devastating to our children than hitherto perceived.
Elisabeth is working on a book in Danish to deal with the burden that ASD pose on the neurotypicals in their family. Most books have until recently dealt more with how to cater for the autistic persons. Such books are certainly needed. But we have (at least on the rather small Danish market ) lacked books and information aimed at helping the many neurotypical "innocent bystanders" who become victims of the urgent demands from siblings or parents with ASD.
We have translated the article mentioned above into Danish, and want to ask your permission to quote it in full in the Danish book , which hopefully will be the result of our endeavours. I am an experienced translator and interpretor (my main special interest is in the field of Linguistics) But your article did not get much help from Google translate, so I had to translate most of it "by hand",
A Canadian friend of ours offered to help, but we think that we have already a functional translation and only need your approval (you are welcome to receive a copy - though it might not make much sense to you).
While responding my Canadian friend, the real meaning of the third part of the triad finally dawned on me - and I have to agree with your description and metaphor. Also mind-blindness is a more precise description.
Thank you very much for the enlightenment that you article has yielded for us. I hope that you will take the time to read the mail quoted below since it contains the reason for me realising the meaning of mind-blindness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I 'used' his gullibility to tell him that I called non-emergency police and they confirmed that it is about the assaulted one, once one pays hands on another, that the one who was grabbed and frightened could press charges, he'd be arrested. He seemed to shrug it off, but then a few mins ago, I intercommed to see what he needed for school tomorrow, and said I wished he would be sorry, and he said, "Goodnight Mom and i AM sorry I knocked you on the sofa and pressed your lungs that you felt bad."
We talked a little more about it, I thanked him for the acknowledgement. We even said our prayers together on the intercom--he led. He is staying out in the tent bc I am sure it is just too much to have said that and he needs some time with his ego and feelings.
I would still welcome any feedback you may have, as you likely have much experience with this. Overall, I feel it is a good outcome and I will sleep well tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Hi there,
My daughter has many of the challenging behaviors you speak of on your website. However, I am wondering what you think since the situation is with a teen who is 19 years and 4 months of age. Wants out of the house for many reasons and would go if affordable. Attends college, works, etc. Therapy and meds have been used but are now refused. Should I work on this with your techniques or is this more of an "I want out of the house" situation? We are all pretty miserable. Of course when a teen is now an "adult", legally, things change.
I look forward to hearing from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, Mark.
I am part of your parents of those on the spectrum. My son is 21, "high-functioning" and attends college classes independently. He reliably comes and goes, etc but occasionally has, as is the case this time, misperception about how HARD or roughly he handles or touches me, his mother.
There is no-body else in the home, and mostly no-body else in his life that "knows" him in this way, although he would deny the validity of this statement.
The issue I ask your advise on is this: Friday evening, when I was vocally upset that he wouldn't come along to the tire store (because I have laryngitis this week and it has been tough to talk or I would have handled the tire issue) and stated so, he came into the other room where I was sitting on the sofa and knocked me down to a laying position and held my shoulders. With the laryngitis I already have a feeling of it being a little hard to breathe in my upper chest--when he held me down saying I was 'out of control" I was gasping and I was really frightened, struggling with NO HOPE of getting UP and out of his grasp--I had to say "I can't breathe!" as loudly as I could until he finally let me up about the 5th request--I was terrified that my lungs were going to burst.
He had to leave to go to self defense on the bus, and I told him that under the rules of housing, he had to stay out in the tent on our premises--I locked the house and made it inaccessible and that is how it has been until now--2 nights. I originally wrote in the note I placed outside that he was "grounded outside" until Sunday at 5 pm--and then at 230 PM today, I requested an apology via note outside on door. He denies that 'he held me down THAT hard" and refuses to apologize.
My position, although I prefer of course not to have to remain in it, is that I refuse re-admittance until he makes apology, having told him on the phone extension (which is how we talk--a few times now since he has been outside) that ASSAULT is not about how the person inflicting IT perceives it, but rather how the INJURED party perceives it, and if it were another person he did this to, they could have him arrested. (Of course, a smaller or older person could have been seriously hurt or caused death and he would still contend that "he didn't hold them down THAT hard"???). He is 210 pounds and 6'2". I am under 150 pounds and 56 years old.
I feel you will support my position as the parent and owner of this home, and advise me that I must hold my ground, even though I DID in fact change the original statement (that he would be grounded only until Sunday 5pm) and that I now require an apology/acknowledgement. I ask what additionally you will advise so that I can "get through to him" about this being a serious matter. (He stated after refusing the apology that (he graduates with an AS Business degree next month) that he is going to get a job at the DQ down the street and 'have his own money'. To me, that is evading the responsibility of this matter, and separate and unreal in light of the fact that he now lives in a tent.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter was adopted at birth and diagnosed with Aspergers in 4th grade. Fast forward to this year. She hates us and we have had a horrible year as a junior in highschool. Chloe has progressed to the point where she runs away and has stayed with her birth mother, acquaintences, and so called “friends”. We have tried all these years with psychologists and psychiatrists. She has been been on medications and she believes it is all my husband’s and my fault she is messed up because we made her take these drugs! Her doctor’s said she needs to be in treatment at a facility twice this past summer. That was the worst decision in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I could take back this whole year I would and I would never listen to these so called professionals!! That time in these places destroyed any relationship that could have been. I am positive things were not handled correctly considering her adoption and aspergers together. Between these 2 parts of her personality her life has fallen apart and I’ve lost my daughter. Nobody would listen and the schools and doctors made everything worse. My world has fallen apart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My marriage has failed. I had posted my thoughts on the subject on facebook because I wanted to share with people about the changes in my life. A friend of mine that has known me for years reaches out to me whose child has recently been diagnosed with ASD. She used to live with me for at least a year or two and asked me if I had looked into Aspergers before because she began to think specifically of me while she was learning about her child. About three years ago a pediatrician had met me for the first time and then asked my wife if I had Aspergers. I did not follow up on this because it seemed ridiculous. A year later my third child, my second son, was diagnosed with ASD. He is moderate to severe. Now that my friend has reached out to me I began to take her thoughts seriously. Since I was on the edge of divorce which is now inevitable, I was much more open. I began to read about Aspergers and watch videos on youtube and I almost cried because of just how much it made sense to me... the isolation, the depth of intense emotion, and the great difficulties in social interaction, etc, etc. While I may not have a strong case which we might seen as portrayed in Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, which I believe is just an acted portrayal to extenuate the obvious, I do believe that I may suffer from some form of Aspergers, ever if just a mild case. My wife has insisted that I am narcissistic but I don't feel that on the inside at all. I have difficulty understanding most people and am often misunderstood. I have many friends who have experienced social awkwardness. I have not found an affordable method of obtaining a formal diagnosis, and even then I am afraid that I will not receive it. It would be very confusing to me if it were not so given the cogency of this perspective. I know that not all psychologists are the same, with varying degrees of knowledge concerning ASD, and so I fear that I could receive a wrong conclusion depending upon who does the evaluation. Please share your thoughts with me in this regard. I would greatly appreciate it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is high functioning but he still struggles with alot as far as school, he has autism and a central auditory processing disorder and adhd....im fighting back amd fourth with his school to have him placed in a smaller setting and its been a year and im still fighting to get my son the best education he deserves im uneducated when it comes to his disorder i try to understand it a little more each day i want to know if you have any referral sources for me to help me be a better advocate for my 8 year old son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello
I have a 17 year old who just found out he has HFA and is devastated. Even when his father and I heard the news, it didn't make sense. We thought he just had been suffering from depression all his life but the more we learn about HFA, the more we realize that you're describing our son. However, he doesn't seem so typical...he plays baseball but that's his only other interest besides video games, he doesn't seem not to get along with friends but when he's tired of them, he pushes them to the curb with no empathy, he never invites friends over, and he says he has no feelings for us, his parents,.. he's adopted.
But if anyone met him on the surface, they would never suspect anything. They describe him as funny, a nice kid and everyone loves him. Hes never been picked on in school. But it's an act.
Anyway, my question to you is, how do we get him used to the idea that he has this. It was suggested to him by his therapist and ever since then, he doesn't want to talk about it, or deal with it. He wants to bury it. He always thought of a kid with autism as a "nerd" and he says he's not that kid. And I understand, I never would have guessed on the surface, but the more I learn about it, I think his therapist is right.
Any suggestions?
I would do anything to help out this kid. He has been dealing with this for a long time and we need help before he graduates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My husband and I realized he had aspergers about 3 years ago. We have two small kids. I am working on letting go of the resentment but its hard. Especially because no one really knows except me that he has it so I can't really talk about it openly. I have been reading your ebook and listening to the audio clips from your seminar. They are extremely helpful. Its really hard to find the right resources. Your book and audio clips are spot on our challenges.
I have been struggling to find the right therapist for my husband and I that has experience in this area. I have seen psychologists and find them helpful for me. My husband has gone too which is a good step but I think we need someone with more knowledge of Aspergers. Is there a website of therapists you would recommend? We live in Northern Virginia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
We have HFA 14yr old teenager( Ethan). He under treatment for anxiety. He is taking cymbalta and adderal for Adhd. We have many issues : failing grades , poor hygiene., little or no social connection with anyone in 9th grade. He has not friends in the neighborhood. Based on our knowledge , this is normal for HFA kids.
We try to provide support and guidance on his difficulties. He does have consequence for non-compliance. Currently , he has lost all phone and video game privileges. He can be defiant to discipline at times.
When we offer advice and or get him professional help , he is resistant to needing help. He doesn't think he has anxiety or depression.
He tells every psychiatrist that he does not have anxiety and doesn't need medicine. He does it only for his parents.
WE remind him to shower and brush teeth every day. He often lies about it or makes an excuse not to do either. When he does clean himself , he does a poor job.
As parent we knows something is wrong, but HE WONT ADMIT ANY difficulty or the fact that is autistic in even a minor way.. He will argues this to the end. As far as he is concerned he is normal teen and does not see much difference between himself and other teens. Any issues he is having he thinks he can handle it himself. He has the maturity of a 5-6th grader in a 14yr old body.
. He is smart enough to come up with lots of excuses ( tired, lazy, sleepy, etc)
He is too big and too old to hold his hand on hygiene and he is self aware enough to know that he is too old for parents to see him naked or help do basic hygiene like teeth brushing.
When he was younger I could forcibly clean him but now he just shuts bathroom door and comes out. I cannot verify if he uses soap at all.. many times his hair is not washed at all.
when he is confronted with his failures, he makes simple excuse that he is tired.
But it seems he is tired all the time. i know he is frustrated but getting him to admit that he is having struggles is nearly impossible.
What advice can you offer? We need help. I keep thinking if we could get him recognize that he needs help, he would follow our guidance more.
Even for schoolwork, we he thinks his strategy is working and he is failing.
Where should we start?
One final note, his mother and I are divorced but have good communication and co-parenting. He lives primarily with his mother. I have him every other weekd and every Wednesday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark Hutten,
my wife and I have read you article "Parents with Asperger Syndrome"on
http://theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html
Being parents of five wonderful now adult children my wife Elisabeth and I initially felt that you were a little too sombre in your approach, but we have come to realise that my ASD has been more devastating to our children than hitherto perceived.
Elisabeth is working on a book in Danish to deal with the burden that ASD pose on the neurotypicals in their family. Most books have until recently dealt more with how to cater for the autistic persons. Such books are certainly needed. But we have (at least on the rather small Danish market ) lacked books and information aimed at helping the many neurotypical "innocent bystanders" who become victims of the urgent demands from siblings or parents with ASD.
We have translated the article mentioned above into Danish, and want to ask your permission to quote it in full in the Danish book , which hopefully will be the result of our endeavours. I am an experienced translator and interpretor (my main special interest is in the field of Linguistics) But your article did not get much help from Google translate, so I had to translate most of it "by hand",
A Canadian friend of ours offered to help, but we think that we have already a functional translation and only need your approval (you are welcome to receive a copy - though it might not make much sense to you).
While responding my Canadian friend, the real meaning of the third part of the triad finally dawned on me - and I have to agree with your description and metaphor. Also mind-blindness is a more precise description.
Thank you very much for the enlightenment that you article has yielded for us. I hope that you will take the time to read the mail quoted below since it contains the reason for me realising the meaning of mind-blindness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I 'used' his gullibility to tell him that I called non-emergency police and they confirmed that it is about the assaulted one, once one pays hands on another, that the one who was grabbed and frightened could press charges, he'd be arrested. He seemed to shrug it off, but then a few mins ago, I intercommed to see what he needed for school tomorrow, and said I wished he would be sorry, and he said, "Goodnight Mom and i AM sorry I knocked you on the sofa and pressed your lungs that you felt bad."
We talked a little more about it, I thanked him for the acknowledgement. We even said our prayers together on the intercom--he led. He is staying out in the tent bc I am sure it is just too much to have said that and he needs some time with his ego and feelings.
I would still welcome any feedback you may have, as you likely have much experience with this. Overall, I feel it is a good outcome and I will sleep well tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Hi there,
My daughter has many of the challenging behaviors you speak of on your website. However, I am wondering what you think since the situation is with a teen who is 19 years and 4 months of age. Wants out of the house for many reasons and would go if affordable. Attends college, works, etc. Therapy and meds have been used but are now refused. Should I work on this with your techniques or is this more of an "I want out of the house" situation? We are all pretty miserable. Of course when a teen is now an "adult", legally, things change.
I look forward to hearing from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, Mark.
I am part of your parents of those on the spectrum. My son is 21, "high-functioning" and attends college classes independently. He reliably comes and goes, etc but occasionally has, as is the case this time, misperception about how HARD or roughly he handles or touches me, his mother.
There is no-body else in the home, and mostly no-body else in his life that "knows" him in this way, although he would deny the validity of this statement.
The issue I ask your advise on is this: Friday evening, when I was vocally upset that he wouldn't come along to the tire store (because I have laryngitis this week and it has been tough to talk or I would have handled the tire issue) and stated so, he came into the other room where I was sitting on the sofa and knocked me down to a laying position and held my shoulders. With the laryngitis I already have a feeling of it being a little hard to breathe in my upper chest--when he held me down saying I was 'out of control" I was gasping and I was really frightened, struggling with NO HOPE of getting UP and out of his grasp--I had to say "I can't breathe!" as loudly as I could until he finally let me up about the 5th request--I was terrified that my lungs were going to burst.
He had to leave to go to self defense on the bus, and I told him that under the rules of housing, he had to stay out in the tent on our premises--I locked the house and made it inaccessible and that is how it has been until now--2 nights. I originally wrote in the note I placed outside that he was "grounded outside" until Sunday at 5 pm--and then at 230 PM today, I requested an apology via note outside on door. He denies that 'he held me down THAT hard" and refuses to apologize.
My position, although I prefer of course not to have to remain in it, is that I refuse re-admittance until he makes apology, having told him on the phone extension (which is how we talk--a few times now since he has been outside) that ASSAULT is not about how the person inflicting IT perceives it, but rather how the INJURED party perceives it, and if it were another person he did this to, they could have him arrested. (Of course, a smaller or older person could have been seriously hurt or caused death and he would still contend that "he didn't hold them down THAT hard"???). He is 210 pounds and 6'2". I am under 150 pounds and 56 years old.
I feel you will support my position as the parent and owner of this home, and advise me that I must hold my ground, even though I DID in fact change the original statement (that he would be grounded only until Sunday 5pm) and that I now require an apology/acknowledgement. I ask what additionally you will advise so that I can "get through to him" about this being a serious matter. (He stated after refusing the apology that (he graduates with an AS Business degree next month) that he is going to get a job at the DQ down the street and 'have his own money'. To me, that is evading the responsibility of this matter, and separate and unreal in light of the fact that he now lives in a tent.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need so much help I am on the verge of divorce that my
husband doesnt know. We have three kids and everything in this video
describes me. My husband mother never told him he was HFA and left it to
me to do so. I am not sure why his fsmily wont tell him and he hates me
for telling him he is and needs help. I feel like I cant do anything
for him and the best thing to do is leave. Please send me the e-book or
direct me to sute to download please. It is by God I came across you
again the first time I just skipped by it thinking there wasnl no hope
now I am here and need to give this another shot. If he is in denial
about being autistic how do i get him diagnose and my young daughter has
autistic child like characteristic but because she is smart people blow
me off but I know she thinks differently I feel so alone as a wife and
mom.
Thank you for all that you do to help us women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We
discovered that his problem was Aspergers only later in life at 25….I
was taking a Psychology course for Art Therapy studies and I literally
screamed when I read the section on Aspergers and shouted to my hubby-
honey this is it -this is it -this is whats wrong!!! We then headed into
great grief as there was NO info like this when he was younger!! We
took him to a psy. Doctor and he confirmed it….but he WoNT get any more
help. We have all have gone nuts trying everything and my/our health
suffered from the acute stresses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I am about to get the book “Living with an Asperger Partner” for us. Jim and I have an Asberger son now 35.
He
lives with a wonderful gal partner the last few years and they really
love each other. she really goes thru it with him – as we did for 30
years. We love her and she is very close to us like a daughter. We are
very blessed she has a relationship with us….they want to get
married…but there are big hurdles that have to take place first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
Could you tell me if there are any online support group for teenagers with Asperger’s? My 13 year old son has expressed interest in joining a group and I think this could be beneficial for him. We told him about his diagnosis about a year ago, but he struggles with it daily and I think that maybe if he could talk with other teenagers like himself, it would make him feel not so different. In addition, I was wondering if you could help direct me to any social group for teens with Aspergers in Maryland or DC?
I will look forward to your response. Thank you and have a great day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am the proud Mom of a 15 year old son diagnosed with ADD and Asperger's approximately 5 years ago (also Mom to an 8 yr old girl). I've been a frequent visitor to MyAspergersChild.com and have found it to be an excellent resource on a variety of topics!
Fortunately my son has been very high functioning and has required little, if any, modifications/accommodations at school (he has a 504). He's always been the "little professor" with dreams of becoming an aerospace engineer from the age of 4!! However, as he started high school last year (he's in 10th grade now) it seemed as if some of the "traits" were becoming more apparent. I've read many articles and was informed by his Doctor to expect this as he reached his teens and responsibilities grew, but somehow I just hoped he'd get off easy....and then life got even more complicated.
My 17+ year marriage to his Father was crumbling and we began living separately in Nov 2015 and started the horrific descent down the path of divorce. Obviously any divorce is difficult and we have the added stress of domestic violence against me (which children have witnessed, unfortunately) and although never officially diagnosed, my son's Father exhibits behaviors which leads my therapist and myself to believe he is a narcissist (covert). Whether my soon-to-be ex is or isn't a narcissist, he has suddenly taken a keen interest in being a Dad and is waging an all out war to get the "time" he is entitled to his children - 50% - but specifically using the 5/2/2/5 schedule (One parent has Mon/Tues overnight, the other parent has Wed/Thurs overnight, then alternate Fri/Sat/Sun overnights). Personally this sounds like transition terror for anyone - let alone a child with Asperger's. I am praying my attorney and I can convince either my husband or a Judge but it doesn't look promising.
Please forgive me for sharing my life story, but, here's where you may be able to help me. I'm hoping my story can give you a glimpse into our life and help you determine how or if any of your programs may assist me in better supporting my son. Currently my son is barely attending school and is suffering anxiety and depression to the point he's been placed on an anti-depressant. Of course we are seeing a therapist, Dr., etc. on a regular basis and my attorney will hopefully be addressing the legal issues as best he can. But is there anything else I can do to help my son? I've been a stay-at-home mother for 15+ years and will soon be forced to sell the home we've lived in for over 10 years, am facing financial hurdles and a future that is unknown. All the while I'm feeling like a spectator in this process of divorce, having little sense of control over the direction of my or my children's lives. I almost feel it would have been easier on the kids if I had just "sucked it up" and tried to continue living as a married couple. What did saying "no more" get us? I'm still being manipulated and abused, maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally and my husband is now armed with an additional weapon - the legal system. I can tolerate just about anything, but seeing what this is doing to my kids is killing me - and I'm afraid I seem to be the only one seeing the damage being done. Ok, sorry for the ranting, but hopefully the intensity of my concern for my kids, especially my son, is coming through.
As I mentioned, I have visited your site often, however, for the first time today I noticed you are based in Anderson, IN. I too am a Hoosier! I was born and raised in Lapel, Indiana, graduated from Madison Heights High and still have a brother living in Anderson. I relocated to Arizona in 2000 but am still a Hoosier at heart! Call it Divine Intervention or something but knowing you were based in Indiana made me look a little further - specifically into the online parent coaching. I'm really thinking it would help me to get some reassurance and support regarding issues with my son. Obviously in this whole process of splitting up, it's really been just trying to survive, keep things together and as normal as possible for the kids. There's been little time for healing myself - that will have to come later. But I do recognize my lack of confidence and insecurities as a woman and a parent can play a huge factor (good or bad) in how I am able to support my children through this. Perhaps having someone to bounce things off via email when I'm questioning myself or need ideas or advice in handling issues with my son is just what I need. My typical hour long therapy session is good, but somewhat limited by time and my ability to connect face to face. I feel more comfortable behind the screen.
Again, sorry for the lengthy note. I'd really appreciate it if you would take a moment and consider if any of your services may be useful. I'm looking to expand my knowledge to better assist my son through this process. I really believe one of the best things I can do for both my kids is to reassure them everything will be ok - no matter what the future looks like - I'll still be there for them. And in order to do that I have to BELIEVE it myself and learn to trust myself and empower myself. Thanks so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you Mr. Hutten.
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Hi Mark,
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Good morning,
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My teenager is totally out of control and abuses me verbally won't listen to me my mother sides with her my mother abused me and I am bipolar and very sick with chf they take advantage of me because I am mentally ill and take advantage of that situation I am widowed My husband sometimes had control of our daughter she is very strong willed at school she acts shy and lets others push her around gets bullied and at home she is very vocal I think someone at a friends house is abusing her or she is depressed or someone at school is abusing her she use to go to school HC with panties come home without panties I just don't know what to do and can no longer reach her afraid for her actions I don't think anyone is safe around her she becomes very violent at times this weekend she was hitting her friend for chicken when she had food on her plate when I told her to stop she hit her more...
Lost on what to do in Holland(?)
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All of my daughter’s issues seem to line up with HFA at this point, rather than ADHD (she’s a senior in high school now). Her 1st
evaluator indicated
“Savannah has an unusual presentation which warrants continued
monitoring for emergence of more severe psychopathology.” I’m wondering
if my daughter could have been so high functioning and had such an
atypical presentation of HFA that it was missed. Have
you ever heard of this happening and, if so, where does someone go next
for a proper diagnosis?
Hi
Mark! I have a daughter with HFA and bought your e-book awhile back.
Well, just starting with it now and am very HOPEFUL this will help our
entire house. 2 questions for you:
1.
Megan, my daughter, has been in a MAJOR flare-up for almost 2 months
now. Due to her stage 3 kidney disease, we just now have it under
control. HOWEVER, the NEGATIVE behaviors that came along with it
(PANDAS) are NOW her natural response when she is upset, frustrated,
etc. She uses the F bomb, spits, and destroys a room. There is NO
talking to her when she is in this place. Her 2 brothers know this is
wrong and usually lock themselves in their rooms for safety sake. Any
suggestions? Am I just supposed to let her call me a F'n lady and
destroy things?
2.
She is "sweet as pie" at school (she is at a small Montessori school),
yet if something has her mad, it all comes out in the car and at home.
I used to think this was all behavioral, but the autism experts tell me
this is where she feels safe. What is your take on this? BTW, she
won't communicate with me about what the problem is and trying to figure
it out only makes things worse.
Thank you for your time! Today we are going to start week 1 in our home.
Dear Mark,
I listened to the video about your book but my daughter is 5 years old so thought I'd email you for advice.
I
have had my little lady at a specialist who said she has some asperger
traits but because she's so clever and because I have put a lot of work
into educating her, she copes well.
The issue
isn't crisis point and she does pretty much as I ask her but if she's
doing something she likes (jumping on the sofa) and I tell her not to
with the reasons why, she gives me reasons why she likes doing it. I
then have to put her through to her room as she will not stop when I
have asked her to stop. I know it seems a small thing but it could
potentially be a big thing if it's not dealt with in the right way. We
both live with my mum at the moment. My mum tells me that my daughter
is being defiant but I think she genuinely doesn't have the concept that
other people's feelings matter or that she needs to respect that. I
know she's only 5 years old but she's incredibly bright for her age in
some ways so my mum sees her behaviour as defiant. How do I discipline
her without her throwing an almighty Tantrum that lasts all night
because she doesn't give up her reasons for doing certain things despite
the effect it has on others never mind the sofa..... I hope this email
makes sense and that you can help.....?
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Hi Mark,
I LOVE my boyfriend to death. He has aspergers but
does not know it. It is very obvious though. I think it is so beautiful,
and while at times frustrating, I have grown to really admire the
qualities that are so specific to him. We have been dating for the last
1.5 years. We have had stretches of pure bliss, and times of a
rollercoaster type relationship. The bad times seem to be sparked by
me.. wanting more.. whether more of a partnership or more affection and
communication. I have learned to back off in these times for the most
part. But this past month, I guess I had some outside stress going on,
and I couldn't seem to cut off the complaining commentary. His parents
just came to town to visit. I met his mom for the first time. We all
hung out for 4 days straight, and then all of a sudden he started
getting pretty rude towards me. we spent the last night that they were
here apart. He talked about how miserable he was and that he wants the
relationship to be over and that we need to talk about how to move apart
and separate. The next day, while we took his parents to the airport,
he acted normal like nothing happened. We slept together that night and
cuddled a little bit, but never talked about him breaking up with me.
The next morning I brought it up and tried to apologize for complaining
lately. he was very stern in saying that the relationship is over and
its not what he wants, etc. There is no negotiating it. He didn't have
time to talk but said that we needed to talk about separating and
finances at some point. This was yesterday morning. We have gone through
this before, and it eventually blew over. But it seems a lot more
serious this time. He was talking about how I wedge my way in with
everyone in his life - parents.. friends.. etc. His parents really liked
me.. maybe he got jealous? And yeah, his friends always reach out to me
because I'm a quicker responder and better communicator, but I am in no
way trying drive a wedge between them at all!! But, that is what he
sees in his mind. I know he is not truly miserable (maybe right now he
is). But whenever there is conflict, he seems to totally forget the good
times and that he was happy right before that. There's no discussing it
with him either.
So all day yesterday, I didn't call or text him. Right after work, I went to my friend's house where I stayed until almost midnight.
Right before I got home, he texted me and asked if I was okay... which
is abnormal for him to do. I didn't see it until I was home so I didn't
reply. He was staying up waiting for me it seemed. So, I went to bed...
no words spoken... and he initiated sex.. and then we cuddled all night
again. Then this morning, when he got up, it was just this "dead"
feeling again. No talking on either of our behalfs.
I
really don't know where to go from here. I do not want it to be over at
all. I have had the most pain I've ever experienced in the last few
days. I want it to blow over. So, this time I'm avoiding talking about
it. Being more distant.. Trying to let him come to me. But, do you think
there is hope? Do you have advice of how to communicate to him in a way
that he will listen and we could possibly move past this. I know if we
can get past this, I will be much more aware of myself and complaining.
Reading your book really helped. He can't help the lack of
affection/emotions. But he does show he cares in his own ways. I love
that so much about him.
Any advice would be appreciated. For now, I'll just keep being silent.
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My
husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. When I met his son, I
noticed right away that he was more unsocial and sort of void in
expression most of the time. As time went by, I would mention to my
husband that I felt Cole must have some sort of high functioning autism
or Aspergers. He would deny it, but after time, he has come around a bit
and mentions during conversations that I think he has some sort of
Aspergers "or something". Problem is, Cole is now 20 years old. I read
so much about teens with HFA but not much about young adults. Do you
talk to the child at the age of 20 and tell them your thoughts? Do they
get diagnosed at that age? And if so... it seems more knowledge and
understanding than anything.
Cole
has never been one to throw a tantrum, and he is willing to put the
game down for a minute to do an errand... I appreciate all of that.
He
does play games ALL of the time when he is home. My husband doesn't
find issue with it at all. He's glad that Cole isn't out partying or
getting into trouble. I told him that I agree, but this is its own kind
of wrong... sitting on the computer or xbox ALL OF THE TIME. We did make
him get a job. This took a couple of years. Now that job ended and he
just got another job, or he was going to have to move out, cause he
needs to pay rent and car insurance. (He didn't get his license til we
made him either.) The job hunting was hard too, cause he doesn't want to
deal with the public and would overlook so many job openings due to
disinterest. He finally is working at Office Max.
I
guess I'm just asking for answers to the above questions if possible.
Or even finding info that would help with a young adult HFA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning,
I am looking for a counselor with
Asperger experience for my husband and I. He is 52 yrs old with a later
in life diagnosis. He travels for work so we need online counseling as
I am not with him during the week. We have been married since 1998 and
have tried counseling for many years which did not work since it did
not address the Asperger issues. I am exhausted and deflated. If I
could support our 5 children by myself, I would have left years ago.
Our income is 125,000 a year for a family of 7 (we have 3 boys on the Autism spectrum as well.
Please let me know if you are taking new clients and what the fee would be for long term therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My teenager is totally out of control and abuses me verbally won't listen to me my mother sides with her my mother abused me and I am bipolar and very sick with chf they take advantage of me because I am mentally ill and take advantage of that situation I am widowed My husband sometimes had control of our daughter she is very strong willed at school she acts shy and lets others push her around gets bullied and at home she is very vocal I think someone at a friends house is abusing her or she is depressed or someone at school is abusing her she use to go to school HC with panties come home without panties I just don't know what to do and can no longer reach her afraid for her actions I don't think anyone is safe around her she becomes very violent at times this weekend she was hitting her friend for chicken when she had food on her plate when I told her to stop she hit her more...
Lost on what to do in Holland(?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
I
am wondering if it is possible for a child to have 2 evaluations (at
ages 13 and 15) by 2 different agencies, be diagnosed with ADHD-Not
Otherwise Specified
and ADHD-Inattentive Type, but have HFA instead. I guess what I’m
really asking is if you’ve ever heard of someone having a very atypical
presentation of HFA but still being diagnosed with HFA. For instance,
instead of the typical stims of rocking and hand-flapping,
the stims are ballet-spins and constantly singing out loud
unconsciously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son has aspergers. I am going to give him this information about Skype appointments and see if he is interested.
He has some serious paranoia problems that arise at times.
He just had one. He was arrested first time for acting aggressively and over reacting to a situation that was triggered by an incident.
I need to have him connect with someone right away because of a need for a mental consult for him.
Just wanted to know when you are available.
I and his brother have gone over your material and videos and I've tried to keep up on your facebook.
Please let me know when you are available.
I have been introducing your blog to my son with Aspergers. He is 33 and this year is starting to act out more. He just landed his first good job and he needs to keep it.
I knew he had some kind of autism when he was 3. But have not narrowed it down until the last 2 years. He is starting to understand a budget. But he does not have a handle on his thinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
I was called in school today to be informed that my 8 year old son has been caught kissing his 8 year old boy classmate several times this week. The teachers warned him and he still did it. They were even caught touching each other's private parts. How should I react to this? I'm in shock.. We have had several sex talks with him yet he did this..Should I purnish him/ ground him ? What would be effective enough for him to understand his behavior is wrong at his age?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you have any names to therapists n the Portland Oregon see that are skilled in working with couples dealing with Asperers?
My son has aspergers. I am going to give him this information about Skype appointments and see if he is interested.
He has some serious paranoia problems that arise at times.
He just had one. He was arrested first time for acting aggressively and over reacting to a situation that was triggered by an incident.
I need to have him connect with someone right away because of a need for a mental consult for him.
Just wanted to know when you are available.
I and his brother have gone over your material and videos and I've tried to keep up on your facebook.
Please let me know when you are available.
I have been introducing your blog to my son with Aspergers. He is 33 and this year is starting to act out more. He just landed his first good job and he needs to keep it.
I knew he had some kind of autism when he was 3. But have not narrowed it down until the last 2 years. He is starting to understand a budget. But he does not have a handle on his thinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
I was called in school today to be informed that my 8 year old son has been caught kissing his 8 year old boy classmate several times this week. The teachers warned him and he still did it. They were even caught touching each other's private parts. How should I react to this? I'm in shock.. We have had several sex talks with him yet he did this..Should I purnish him/ ground him ? What would be effective enough for him to understand his behavior is wrong at his age?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you have any names to therapists n the Portland Oregon see that are skilled in working with couples dealing with Asperers?
My
husband and I are botj 57-yers-old, and has aspergers. We've been to
counseling b4 but the clinicians have usually apply their chosen form I
couples therapy which simply doesn't work with asperger. My husbands
symptoms worsen a he ages any suggestions you could offer would be
apprecited. My husband gets enraged when I try n talk w him about
anything related to his behaviors. There is no right time Or way to
speak n tells me he wouldn't do B if I just didn't Do A. Common yet
needing help.
