Crucial Guidelines for Behavior Management: Effective Parenting of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"I need to techniques for dealing with the disruptive and challenging behavior or son on the spectrum has been exhibiting since he has been on-and-off school due to the coronavirus!!!"

Children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often exhibit different forms of challenging behavior. It is crucial that these behaviors are not seen as willful or malicious; instead, they should be viewed as connected to the child’s disorder and treated as such by means of thoughtful parenting techniques, rather than by inconsistent punishment or other disciplinary measures that imply the assumption of deliberate misbehavior.

Specific problem-solving techniques (usually following a verbal rule) may be taught for handling the requirements of frequently occurring, troublesome situations (e.g., involving novelty, intense social demands, frustration, etc.).

Here are some crucial concepts on how to approach behavioral management in the case of children with AS and HFA:

1. Use simple and clear messages. Communicate your expectations to your youngster in a straightforward manner. For children on the autism spectrum, this may require more than just telling them. You may need to use pictures, role playing, or gestures to be sure your youngster knows what she is working toward.

Explain as simply as possible what behaviors you want to see. Also, remember that consistency is key, so make sure that teachers, siblings, grandparents, babysitters, and other caretakers are all on board with your messages.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

2. To understand your youngster's behavior, you have to understand the factors that affect it — especially his disorder. Thus, try to learn as much about the distinctive medical, behavioral, and psychological factors that affect your child’s development. Talk to other parents of AS and HFA children to help determine if your youngster's challenging behavior is typical or related to his individual challenges.

Sharing experiences will give you a way to measure your expectations and learn which behaviors are related to your youngster's diagnosis, and which are purely developmental. Also, talk to members of your youngster's care team. Read up on the disorder, and ask the doctor about anything you don't understand. In addition, consider joining an online support or advocacy group for parents of children with autism.

3. A list of frequent problematic behaviors (e.g., preservations, obsessions, interrupting, other disruptive behaviors) should be made and specific guidelines devised to deal with them whenever the behaviors arise. These guidelines should be discussed with the AS or HFA child in an explicit, rule-governed fashion, so that clear expectations are set and consistency across adults, settings and situations is maintained.

When listing the problematic behaviors, it is important that these are specified in a hierarchy of priorities, so that the parent and child concentrate on a small number of truly disruptive behaviors.

4. When faced with AS or HFA children who are aggressive and shouting, the parent should keep her face neutral and lower the volume and pitch of her voice. In most cases, these “special needs” children will quieten down to hear what the parent is saying if she remains remarkably calm in the eye of the storm.

5. Keep a behavior journal. Using a journal for recording problematic incidents can help parents to look back and see if there are any patterns or contributing factors. It can also be a good thing to look through with the AS or HFA child herself, talking about both the positives and negatives.

6. Help the child to make choices. There should not be an assumption that he makes informed decisions based on his own set of elaborate likes and dislikes. Rather, he should be helped to consider alternatives of action or choices, as well as their consequences (e.g., rewards and displeasure) and associated feelings. The need for such an artificial set of guidelines is a result of the child’s typical poor intuition and knowledge of self.

7. Encourage your child to establish and maintain friendships. Loneliness is one of the main causes for problematic behavior among AS and HFA children. Thus, try to encourage opportunities for socializing and making friends.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

8. Encourage independence. It’s easy to do everything for your “special needs” child, including making decisions for her.  Often times, when parents give their child the chance to do more herself and to make her own decisions, behavior improves.

9. Children who have trouble learning respond very well to discipline and structure. But for this to work, moms and dads have to make discipline a priority and be consistent. Correcting children is about establishing standards (e.g., setting a morning routine, establishing dinnertime manners, etc.), and then teaching them how to meet those expectations. AS and HFA children crave this consistency. When they can predict what will happen next in their day, they feel confident and safe.

10. Be assertive, yet calm. Assertive, calm instructions and body language are important assets when dealing with problematic behavior.  Additional emotion from the parent into an already emotional situation only clouds judgments and causes greater confusion.

The most important thing for you to remember is that YOU know your youngster best. You are in the best position to help him overcome challenging behaviors simply by listening and responding on a level that works for him.

Overcoming challenging behavior in an AS or HFA youngster involves changes in parental responses, being prepared, modeling therapeutic principles taught during behavior modification therapy sessions, and being willing to advocate for the best solutions for your youngster.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for July, 2016]

Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Mr. Hutten,
I have watched and read a good chunk of the Living with an Asperger's Partner, and find it unbelievably helpful.  I know that I emailed previously and you were booked as far as your schedule, but if you have anything open up and could offer my husband and I some counseling we would be enormously grateful.

Thank you,
Elinor

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I have a daughter who is nearing three, We suspected that she had seizures, but her eeg and mri were normal. I still believe she has mild seizures, but that's not the point here. She has frequent meltdowns and severe separation anxiety. She obsesses about a specific food, and when we run out, it's major tantrum time. Her food obsession changes frequently so it's impossible to keep it in the house at all times. Most of the foods aren't healthy either. Do I give her another ice cream, or deal with the tantrum that is likely to ensue. I try to strike a balance between setting limits and understanding that she is different than other children and requires more understanding. She recently started occupational therapy. They said she had "lots of red flags" suggesting she was autistic, but the official diagnosis has to come from a doctor or a psychologist. In my heart I know she is autistic. She is very good at problem solving and very strong willed. She has boundless energy then crashes and just wants to rest for awhile. She has a hard time in social situations. She is finally warming up to a few friends outside of our immediate family, but she is not a "play with the group" type of child. I find her doing things or playing in very inefficient ways sometimes. If I try to change the system she has going, she gets upset. I've learned to let it be. Sorry for such a long message, but I'm wondering if your program can help? I'm constantly reading and researching something. I love to learn, especially when it comes to my child and what I can do for her. I work from home as a freelance writer, and there are days (like today) where I find it very difficult to work because she seems to need my attention constantly. I want her to be the best that she can be. I want to raise her with more understanding and love than I recieved growing up. I understand that I have to parent her differently than "normal children", but those waters can be very hard to navigate.

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Hi

I've been reading and listening to your program for young adults with Aspergers. Our son is almost 21 and currently a student at University of Illinois at Urbana, majoring in Computer Science. He'll be a senior this Fall

He has always had the symptoms of AS but not diagnosed formally. He is very socially immature, can't make friends, prefers to be alone, was bullied and picked on during his primary school years. With some guidance from a psychologist, he was able to graduate from high school with honors and got into a very good college for the field he loves, computer science. But his social skills have not improved while in college.

He has been living on his own in an campus apt for the last 2 years.  He couldn't take living with a roommate. He spends most of his free time in the apt by himself. He seldom socializes as he can't fit in with the kids he likes and doesn't approve of the kids who do accept him.

He has gotten menial jobs on campus but this summer was his first internship at Enova. He was very excited and proud to land this internship. Ian doesn't know he has AS and so the employer didn't have any idea what to expect. Due to his behavior, Ian was fired after only 3 weeks of an 11 week internship. According to the supervisor, Ian wasn't a team player, wasn't empathetic, late to meetings, code was illegible. Ian is a brillliant coder but doesn't like to work in teams. All signs of AS

His supervisor brought him in one day and told Ian about his bad performance and of course Ian had no idea he was performing so badly. He had a meltdown in the office, probably cried and shut down. He was told to go home early and calm down and decide if he wanted to stay or not. Apparently, ian wanted to stay, but then he was 10 mins late for another meeting, and that's when he was fired.  It almost seems like he wanted to be fired.

He let us know he wanted to come home for the summer, but we told him to stay in his campus apt. We told him he had to find another job for the summer, but he's just sent out resumes and not done much else except playing around with a new keyboard, that Dad let him buy with our money

I'm not sure whether we should tell Ian he probably has AS, and to suggest he get tested and give him some websites or specialists to check out so he can work on workplace and social skills.  There are special programs geared towards integrating AS into IT jobs like the one Microsoft and SAP offers. I want him to figure out what he needs to do on his own, But I'm not sure he would know what to do next without some guidance from a therapist or mentor

So, I was wondering what could you offer Ian, as a Life Coach?  I just trying to figure out what we can do without enabling him even more.  Right now, we are paying for college, apt, food, clothes, anything he wants or needs. I think we need to wean him off of relying on us as a source of income to buy everything - so he tries harder to find and keep a job.

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I was looking for help because of my aspergers son who is 15 years old. I recently did a no no in your book which is that you said aspergers kids need routine. I brook one of his routine/schedule/activity which was that I promised I would give his internet back but didn't because I saw it going so well that he blew up on me. Since then I've been dealing w/trust issues. I do see where I went wrong w/this but he doesn't seem to forgive me. We had a great bond prior to this where he would eat with me, watch tv, and everything seemed to be the best it could. After this incident, I noticed he views me differently now. As if I'm some lying person and questions everything I say. I do feel like I’m walking on egg shells now and he gives me attitude which I normally don't tolerate as I am that assertive parent but I feel like I lost all points with him.

I am desperately trying to go back to that place I was with him before. he would smile one minute with me and without me doing anything, he would flip the switch. He purposely tells me he knows something but won't tell me. In your book, I know you're saying that's them trying to get control.

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I need some advice for my teen.
He is 14 and all of the problems listed are what we struggle with.
His defiance and disrespect has been really challenging.
He does not have common sense when making decisions and has struggled with friendships.
His plea for more independence and his defiance led me to allow him to
travel out of state to his grandparents and work with them for the summer.

After 5 days there he has accidentally lit a fire causing building damage to the family business while
experimenting with matches and gasoline.
He has never been in trouble before, and I have been a very protective mother as well an advocate for him.
He will have to deal with a consequence, and would like to know what you suggest?
Community service or Military camp?
I’m worn out and need some support as he approaches high school in August.
I fear he will have more freedom and get in trouble.

I have sent him to a small private school this past year, and hired multiple
life coach academic tutors as he responds better to them than his parents.

All of this is breaking our budget and I’m out of money and resources so I found you online.
Please help!

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Hello Dr.Hutten! My son Hugh is almost eleven. For 9 month he has been a resident at Green Chimneys school in Brewster NY. His unusual behaviour started at age 4.5. His diagnosis within 5 years went from opp.def. disorder to not specified depressive disorder with anxiety as of last month. I suspect that he has Aspergers. The school gives me runaround and the reg. Psy nurse that makes all decisions tells me that they ruled Aspergers out without test.!  I don't know what I should do next. Please help. Sincerely Natasha

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Hi Mark,

Thank you so much for your online resource like the e-book, audio and videos. My husband and I feel so confident that we can guide our son, a 13 year old boy with typical Asperger syndrome to the right direction. All of those strategies like the art of saying Yes, Art of saying No, turn on and turn off the intensity, 6 steps to face the unexpected issues work pretty well. 

Here I still need you suggestion to handle  the following specific situations. 

Two days ago, I drove my son to his music class. Of course, on the road he picked his favorite topic ( He always said he doesn't like his younger sister, he just wants a younger brother, not a younger sister. He treated her as we adopted her. He  wants to be the only child and I  should tell everyone I met he is my only child etc. My husband and I tried to avoid talking about his favorite topic, so we told him we don't want to talk about this topic. We treat your younger sister and you equally and so on. It seems it doesn't work. He continued to pick up this topic and tried to convince me(not my husband, he doesn't care my husband treat his younger sister well but he can't tolerate I am close to my daughter) to say that he is my only child. This time, when he talked about this topic in the car, I said " I don't want to talk about this topic and I have  repeated a lot of times that we treat you two equally and fairly. What I care is the progress you made recently, what's your plan for your future. You are smart and you have ability to be successful if you focus on developing yourself. Then he responded that he doesn't want to talk about his future and he will not go to the lesson. Finally he didn't take the lesson even though I drove him to the teacher's house. I don't want to argue with him and immediately I gave him consequence I will not talk to him for three days. My son loves to talk with me and to stay with me, but he also loves to repeat the above topic when he stays with me. Today is the second day since I have not talked to him, he feel so frustrated and he desperately want to speak with me. I told him I will not talk to him until tomorrow since I need one more day to calm down. 

Here is my question. I am not sure how to handle the above topic if he asked me again. Always saying that  I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS TOPIC seems it is not enough to prevent my son not to  mention this topic again.  Tomorrow evening I will put away my poker face and will talk to him again. Here is my thought--I will say, Hi son, I realized that you have the ability not to pick the topic about your younger sister. I am happy.  I don't like what your said two days ago. In our family, Dad and Mom treat your sister and you equally and fairly. Both of you are my kids and we love you two equally. Your past three days' behavior earned me to talk to you again and I don't want to talk with you about this topic again. If you choose to repeat this topic, I will not talk to you for another three days. Do you have any thought or suggestion for me to handle this situation? Please help. 

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I'm trying to come up with a behavior contract for my teenage daughter. A month and a half ago she ran away to spend time with an overage boy. She had just gotten grounded for sluffing school and totally lying about trying to get her grades up before the end of the year (She failed 4 out of 8 classes). Anyway, I reported her as a runaway and to avoid being brought home she made false accusations of child abuse. (She did something very similar about a yr ago)  so cps got involved and the allegations didn't even lead to an investigation. I signed over temp custody under the belief that my daughter would b placed somewhere with counceling and supervision. After a month and a half of my daughter pretty much being on vacation at a group home with little supervision I took back custody and we are waiting for an appointment with a couselor in our area. In the mean time, I want to make sure she understands what she did wrong, why she's lost privileges and ensure she's not going to repeat the behavior. Any ideas or suggested websites with free resources would be greatly appreciated.

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Dear Mark,

Thank you so very much.  I have been married for twenty years and it has been hell and a struggle for much of it.  We found a counselor that believes this is what we are dealing with.  I read your information on your video links and it is unbelievable how it fits the bill.  FINALLY, something to explain all the chaos and "weirdness" to name a few.  

I was diagnosed with cancer then an auto immune disease recently (past couple of years) and how he coped, took job two states away leaving me with three kids to care for was the breaking point for me.  

My concern is for my general health and well being, as it has always been about him and his needs all these years.  If there was anything reciprocal it seemed only deemed when it benefitted him to a degree. I feel terrible saying that as there is a kindness to him that I believe is what originally attracted me to him.  

I have two 15 year olds and a 12 year (who I believe has a case of Aspergers(milder than his dad as he has had interventions/therapies due to his expressive language issues and dyslexia-he has been incredibly stressful over the years but we are making headway and will continue to do so now that I know about Asperger's) 

I don't know if I want to break up this family, but it is so hard and my health.  I think my 15 year old is more developmentally ahead in many respects.  

Any thoughts is appreciated.  I know you are busy.  He hasn't been told by our marriage counselor (who is delightful) about his thoughts on my husband having Asperger's but he is going to be next week, I believe.  

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Good afternoon Mark,

I have some questions for you that I'm hoping you'll be able to help me out with.  My very dear friend, has a 6 year-old boy who displays a lot of the problematic behaviors and issues associated with high functioning Aspergers.  She can't seem to pinpoint how to deal with a lot of these issues and is struggling to connect with her son and figure out how to best combat these issues and connect with him.  My family and I are the only ones that have interacted with her son on almost a daily basis since he was a baby, so this isn't a determination I came at lightly.  

He has been a very bright child since the age of 2, when he started reading on his own.  He has been able to teach himself not only how to read, but play the piano as well.  Yet, he struggles with all of the problems you outlined on your website: 

• aggression
• appearing to be "in one's own little world"
• difficulty regulating social/emotional responses with anger
• difficulty with transitions
• excessive anxiety
• hyperactivity
• odd verbal responses
• preference for a set routine
• problems sustaining simple conversations
• tendency to avoid spontaneous social interactions
• tendency to be perseverative or repetitive when conversing
• tendency to over-focus on particular objects or subjects
• tendency to show very weak skills in interactions

While I'm not an expert, I've realized these behaviors go in line with HFA, but because of the nature of the issue and sensitivity I have refrained from stating what his issue may be.  My friend values and trusts my opinion and knowledge in many areas, but I don't want to jeopardize our friendship in pointing out that her son may have HFA.  

One thing I must point out, is that my friend homeschool's her two boys.  So the issues that arise with her son that potentially has HFA aren't being recognized in a regular school setting.  Other friends and people he comes in contact with through church or play dates just consider him to be extremely bright and quirky.   

How can I best lay out this information to her, in a way that is sensitive and loving?  I have an idea, but wanted to know your thoughts.  I would truly appreciate any input and guidance that you can share with me.  I realize you are very busy, but I'm hoping you can help me, so that I can help my dear friend.

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Mr. Hutten,
Your blog has defined problems between myself and my husband to a tee.  We are in Tampa, Florida and could use some serious counseling by someone who understands the Aspie/neurotypical marriage and unique challenges.  We have married eighteen years with many challenges along the way, but I have hit a wall and need some help to sustain the marriage.  Do you offer online counseling to couples?

Thank you so much,
Elinor

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Apologies in advance for this long note, but we have tried so many things and some web research led me to you. I just want to ask you if you think your approach can help before I invest in it (emotionally not financially; the money is not the point). I feel like we keep trying everything we can. I read, I educate myself. My husband and I even attended Total Transformation training sessions and we tried that. We don’t agree on everything, but we try hard to work together. We are at the end of our rope and we just want to help our son and heal this rift in our family.

My son is now 18. He has been incredibly challenging and oppositional since he was about 3 years old. We did both individual and group therapy as he was growing up. The diagnosis was ADHD and/or ODD. There is bipolar in my husband’s family, but we were told you couldn’t really diagnose that until they are older. We tried Adderall at one point when he was in 3^rd or 4^th grade, but it did not work. It actually slowed him down and made him apathetic and what I’d call “darker” in spirit. At that point, I started to think maybe it was bipolar and he also showed some Asperger’s qualities in terms of relationships/social skills.

He had 504s at school and we did lots of behavior modification through their programs. He stopped counseling when he was in 8^th grade because he wasn’t trying, wasn’t working with the therapists and said he didn’t need to go. At his request, he went back to counseling right at the beginning of sophomore year. He said he was having panic attacks. He tried an antidepressant and that seemed to help. It “took the edge off” and he was more approachable. He went for about four months and then said he was fine and went off the antidepressant. He seemed to be coming around and was doing better on all counts: behavior, school, social skills, etc. We still had some incidents, but it felt like we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Going into his senior year, he started out with a 3.4 GPA and hopes of going on to college to become a doctor. He was hanging out with a good group of friends and seemed very happy.

But then he met a girl right before his 18^th birthday in October of last year and it all started to crash. I’m not blaming her. She seemed nice enough, but there were no rules at her house and her mom worked two jobs and did not really look out for her. She was kind of on her own and my son started to as he said, “take care of her.” He would drive her to and from work, to school and everywhere she needed to go. He would buy food for her and even take care of her pets (food, paying for going to the vet). But he grew increasingly controlling with her. He spent all is his money and time with her. He started telling her what to wear and who she could talk to. He actually said he “owned” her at one point. They broke up and made up a few times over the past six months. In that time, he started breaking all the rules at home, staying out past curfew or all night saying he “fell asleep” at her house after driving her home from work. He became increasingly disrespectful and even aggressive in tone, words and gestures. His grades started to really slip.

We laid down the rules again and restated consequences in March – up to and including asking him to leave and go out own if he did not want to follow the house rules. We also said we would call the cops or a crisis unit if he threatened us. That seemed to backfire and he got worse. He became angrier and was verbally abusive. He also got physically abusive with me one night in April after I told him to stop badgering his girlfriend. I must admit that I gave his arm a little slap, which was my bad. But he was really going on and on about something, talking over her and not letting her speak. He grabbed my arms and pushed me against our kitchen cabinets. He never did anything like that again, but he has puffed up his chest with his father and “gotten in his face.”

After that incident with me, we told him he needed to see a therapist again if he wanted to continue to live in our home. He agreed. Of course, it takes so long to find someone and to get an appointment that he didn’t start going right away. Then he started skipping school or going in late and racking up detentions. He was disrespectful to one of his teachers and the school office staff. He started getting in trouble and was asked to leave school and stay off school property and not attend any events like graduation. He was failing two classes anyway – English and Phys Ed – and there was no way to pass. The school arranged for me to sign him up for online courses so he could get his diploma.

He and his girlfriend broke up the night before she was to graduate. He went to her house and destroyed things he had bought for her (clothes, stuffed animals and even her graduation gown). Of course she called the police and got a restraining order. Plus, since he entered her house and destroyed property, there are other more serious charges pending and we had to hire a lawyer.

He is in therapy and has been going two times a week since this all happened. I’m not sure if it is helping. He keeps to himself and it is very hard to talk to him. He pushes me away, not physically, but just saying “bye-bye” and shutting his bedroom door. He will not allow me to walk into his room. He gets up and stands in the doorway. He will not do the online courses, so he is not getting his high school diploma. At first he said he was and was having trouble posting work, but I’m pretty sure he was lying. He is paying us back and I told him we need to also set up a payment plan for his legal fees. He is going to his job, but that’s about all. Once in a while, he sees one or two of his old friends. He doesn’t seem to care about his future and says if we don’t want to pay for the lawyer he will go to jail.

FYI, his therapist says he has Borderline Personality Disorder and attachment issues. The descriptions ring true, but he did not suffer abuse and neglect as a child to the best of our knowledge. He did have quite a few caregivers in his early years because we moved and then he was asked to leave a few daycare centers for biting or behavior issues. We were not perfect parents, but we cared for him, we played with him and we loved him. We had lots of family time together. The advice on parenting these RAD kids is overwhelming and much of it is directed to younger kids, but it makes sense in an odd way and helps us understand where he is coming from even though it logically makes no sense to us. In fact, I found your site on a link from a site on RAD.

I share all of this because I want to ask you if you think you can help me.

My husband and I desperately want to understand what is going on with him and get on the same page with something we can do together to help him. Some plan, approach or tactics to help us get our son back, at least to the way he was before when we could talk to him and he would even listen sometimes!

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Hi Mark,

First of all, I want to say how thrilled I am that I have stumbled onto your book. I have been frustrated in my 16 year marriage for at least the last ten. I have essentially given up on it.

My husband has not been diagnosed with Aspergers, but I am convinced the he is an Aspie. Everything that has been said on the videos has received a resounding “YES” from me. I am

in that limbo between accepting a dreary marriage and life or leaving my husband.

I can hardly wait to start reading or listening to it. 

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Hello,

Our son is 28 years old and as a child was diagnosed with Aspergers.  We did not receive much help from the medical profession.  While growing up, he had problems getting along with others at school and we had difficulties disciplining his bad behaviour and angry outbursts.  He is very intelligent and has a great interest in computers and electronics. 

Since graduating high school, he has taken a computer networking course at a community college but did not put this to use in the working world.  He has used marijuana heavily in the past which only complicated his life.  He has had problems getting along with family, friends, and coworkers and has gone through many different jobs, mostly working in the restaurant business doing kitchen work.   He has made a lot of bad decisions and doesn't seem to learn from his experiences.  He is not good with money and often has to borrow from us to make ends meet.  He is presently taking a university business course and hopes to start his own business.  I am not sure if this is a realistic goal for him.  He is not good managing finances and doesn't like to plan things out. 

He has moved in and out of our home several times.  While living with us, he could be very critical and unpleasant to live with.  For the sake of my sanity, we cannot allow him to move back.  He has a small apartment and if needed, we help him with the rent.  He just quit his summer( part time during the school year) job working in a restaurant and has plans to open a kiosk working with electronics in the mall.  He has no backup plan on how to support himself.  His credit is bad and I am sure he will be unable to get a loan to start a business.  He is angry with us because we are not supporting him in this venture.   I think it's a bad idea.

My question, is there some place where parents can learn how to deal with this kind of behaviour when the children are all grown up and haven't had the benefit of learning how to socialize and manage their symptoms when they were younger?  There is no way he would acknowledge that he has a problem or go for help.  We have tried several times.

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Asperger’s and HFA Teens as Aggressors

"Any strategies for dealing with an angry 17 y.o. teenager (autistic - high functioning) who has been more and more aggressive towards us, the parents, and his siblings?"

Many children and teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are regularly victimized, and even more regularly misunderstood. Naturally, they and their parents feel that they are unjustly treated and inappropriately discriminated against. They are the victims of a society that puts a considerable premium on reciprocal social relationships.

Considering young people with AS and HFA as aggressors seems to fall-in with exactly the kind of stigma that has led to the injustice in the past. Nonetheless, aggression is a common problem, as many moms and dads will privately admit (in one survey, 40% of parents of autistic children reported “hitting other people” to be a problem).

Warning signs that an AS or HFA teen may become aggressive include:

• Being cruel to pets
• Fantasizing about acts of violence he would like to commit
• Obsessively playing violent video games
• Watching violent movies
• Visiting websites that promote or glorify violence
• Playing with weapons of any kind
• Threatening or bullying others

Aggression in teens on the autism spectrum can develop for several reasons: 

1. Membership card in a deviant group
2. Special interest
3. Defensive aggression
4. Gaining ascendancy
5. Outrage
6. Retaliation
7. Self-preservation
8. Difficulties with emotional processing

Let’s look at each of these in turn…

1.  Membership Card—

Young people on the autism spectrum are often teased, bullied, and ostracized from their peer group. One option for someone who feels like an “outcast” is to ally himself with other marginalized or disruptive kids. By the time such a child becomes a teenager, his group membership may be in jeopardy, and he may have to behave more outrageously – and sometimes more aggressively – in order to fit-in. However, aggression is not usually the central method of staying in the group. This subgroup of teens may be engaged in other “normal” criminal and antisocial activities (e.g., alcohol and drug abuse, vandalism, theft of property, etc.). These are “typical” misdemeanors of adolescence, but are not usual misdemeanors in teens with AS or HFA. However, the autistic teen who carries out these apparent typical crimes, and who does so in a group, is often different from other group members. He will often be encouraged by the other members of the group to be the one who breaks the window or the one to drop the match. And, if property is stolen, the autistic teen will rarely know what to do with it or how to profit from it.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

2.  Special Interests—

Some teens with AS and HFA become fascinated with powerful others. This may be expressed through an interest in worldwide wrestling or martial arts training. They may have a special interest in fire that can lead to arson. There is often a period of covert fire setting in the garden or in a local woods that precedes the incident that comes to public attention. AS and HFA teens who have such an interest enjoy looking at fires and feel satisfaction from setting a fire. They may use fire-setting to escape a situation (e.g., setting a fire in the classroom), or they may use fires to pay back others. An interest in fire may persist for many years. Special sexual interests also may be a problem for these “special needs” teens.

3.  Defensive Aggression—

Although there is no reason to suppose the families with an AS or HFA child are more troubled than those of anyone else, there is every reason to think they are as troubled. A teen or young adult on the spectrum who is brought up in a troubled family may have to fight back to defend himself, and this aggression may spill out into other situations. However, there is one kind of defensive aggression that occurs even in children with AS and HFA whose families of origin have been aggression-free. This is when aggression is intended to terminate an aversive stimulus (e.g., a high-pitched sound). There was a report of one man with AS who tried to strangle a little girl who was crying in a supermarket, because he could not bear the noise. There have been other reports of AS individuals who have become violent when hearing certain kinds of music. In addition, aggression may result if an AS or HFA teen's belongings are upset or if he is interrupted in an activity that is important to him. An example of this is a 12-year-old boy with AS who hit his sister with a baseball bat because she pulled the plug of the computer when he was immersed in a game. He broke his sister's arm, and still, some years later, thought that was justified.

4.  Gaining Ascendancy—

Some of the most serious acts of aggression are committed by AS and HFA teens who feel so isolated and so powerless that they feel they have nothing to lose. In these circumstances, an act of violence that makes others take notice can become the stuff of daydreams, and can then be translated into practice. This kind of aggression often has a detached quality, almost like an experiment. Indeed, the AS or HFA teen may sometimes say, “I wanted to see what would happen.” An example of this is a 16-year-old female with AS who lived with her father, his new wife and their newborn. This teen was left to look after the baby and wanted to see what would happen if she mixed ground glass into the baby's food, which she did.



==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens


5.  Outrage—

Entering the teenage years feeling lonely and powerless, struggling with learning difficulties, and having other people attribute both of these problems to personal shortcomings, are all unpleasant experiences. In this situation, two options often seem to present themselves:

• Aggression is an easy route to outrage, although usually it is incidental to a wider strategy of disrupting a social situation. An AS or HFA child may just need to refuse to obey school rules, swear at the teacher, or knock down school furniture. As the child reaches adolescence, more serious acts may be necessary to produce outrage, and these can involve aggression.
• Another option is to become the class joker who is prepared to do the craziest things to be a member of the gang or to become outrageous. Outrage has the advantage that other’s reactions to it are extreme, and therefore easier to read. It also provides a sense of power, at least if others are distressed by it.

6.  Retaliation—

Many young people with AS and HFA have strict codes of behavior that often include a dislike or even hatred of violence. However, even among them, aggression can be a problem when the teen or young adult becomes frustrated, feels unfairly treated, or feels excluded. The autistic teen can convince himself that aggression is justified in these circumstances. Aggression toward younger siblings may be a problem, as may aggression at school. But, the usual arena is at home.

This kind of aggression may be explosive, in which case there is often a sharp onset and a sharp offset. The teenager with AS or HFA may even be unaware of the impact of his aggression. As one parent stated, “He calmed down immediately, long before we could feel calm. He just seems to want to carry on as if nothing had happened. If we try to talk about the outburst, we can set him off again.” Outbursts of this kind may begin at an early age. Counter-violence makes matters worse, but it is a solution that often appeals to fathers. Withdrawal during the outburst, and then discussing how it felt to be on the receiving end of it, are often useful, but dealing with this level of aggression can be one of the most difficult aspects of living with a child on the autism spectrum.

7.  Self-preservation—

Young people with AS and HFA have a lively sense of self-preservation. They may therefore suppress an aggressive response to a bully or another aggressor, but turn the aggression on to a more vulnerable person later, who may have had nothing to do with the situation. The target of aggression is most likely to be the mother, or later in life, the spouse.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

8.  Difficulties with Emotional Processing—

Emotional processing is difficult for teens on the spectrum. They can’t tell themselves to “just forget it” or “life's too short to worry so much.” They want answers – and they want justice. A teen who has a clinic appointment may start to worry about this for several days, and then may ask repeated questions about what will happen, the route to be taken, and so on. Outbursts may happen during this period of heightened stress. Incidents that have happened in the past (sometimes many years before) may linger in the mind of an older teen or young adult with AS or HFA, and may resurface at regular intervals. When they do, it is as if he is re-experiencing the episode over again, and he may become suddenly and unexpectedly aggressive.

Treatment—

The unexpectedness of the timing and of the target of aggression makes risk assessment particularly difficult. Treatment also can be difficult because the AS or HFA teen, lacking empathy for others' reactions to his violence, may continue to feel that violence is justified. When aggression is a symptom of irritability, treatment of an underlying mood disorder may be useful. In the rare cases in which aggression is a symptom, anticonvulsants may be useful. Many doctors use “mood stabilizing” drugs in the absence of a mood disorder. However, this is most often because it reassures the doctor and the parents that something is being done, rather than that the drug has a specific effect.

How Parents Can Help—

The challenge for moms and dads is to help their AS or HFA teen cope with emotions and deal with aggressive tendencies in a more constructive way. Here are just a few tips:

• Try to uncover what’s behind the aggression. Is your teen anxious, sad or depressed? Does he have feelings of inadequacy because his peers don’t accept him?
• Manage your own temper. You can’t help your “special needs” teen if you lose your temper too. As difficult as it sounds, remain calm and balanced no matter how much your teen provokes you. If you or other family members scream, hit each other, or throw things, your AS or HFA teen will naturally assume that these are appropriate ways to express himself.
• Help your teen find healthy ways to relieve tension. Exercise or team sports can help relieve aggressive tendencies. Many “special needs” teens also use art or writing to creatively express their rage. Dancing or playing along to loud music can also provide relief.
• Give your teen a place to retreat. When he is upset, allow him to retreat to a place where it’s safe to cool off. Don’t follow him and demand apologies or explanations while he is still raging. This will only prolong the anger, or even provoke aggression.
• Establish rules and consequences. At a time when both you and your teenager are calm, explain that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger, but there are unacceptable ways of expressing it. If he lashes out, he will have to face the consequences (e.g., loss of privileges, police involvement, etc.). AS and HFA teens need structure and consistent rules more than “typical” teens do.
• Be aware of warning signs and triggers. Does your AS or HFA teen get headaches or start to pace before exploding? Does a certain teacher or class at school always trigger rage? When your teenager can identify the warning signs that his temper is starting to boil, it allows him to take steps to defuse the rage before it gets out of control.

Dealing with an aggressive AS or HFA teenager is not easy, and it can be hard to trace back the original causes of aggressive behavior. If parents are concerned about their teen’s aggression, they should seek advice from a professional. Oftentimes, teens on the autism spectrum who demonstrate aggression towards others simply need help developing social and communicating skills.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens