Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child?
Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Mark,
You are a clever man. You're saving thousands of parents and their children. I just want you to know you're immensely humanitarian and I'm so very grateful to you and the Internet for finding you. After all these years I've only just discovered my son is probably Aspergers but have just thought he's always been a bit awkward and contrary. I never considered he might be wired differently to other children (though he's certainly different to my younger sons). He would hate labels in his clothes as a toddler, would fight other children causing me to avoid socialising with him, going in car seats, getting his hair cut at the barbers etc but he got through school and worked hard despite OCD tendencies and never had behavioural problems at school. He just seemed to lose all motivation after his A Level mock exams in February and wants to hide away and play on his games all day.
It's going to be a struggle but with your help I hope to get him through before he ends up on the wrong side of the law.
Seeing his counsellor still as he likes him and also trying hypnotherapy for his anxiety. Do you think he will need additional specialist support as he needs to somehow motivate himself to get back to his studies and the outside world? His doctor has prescribed IBS medicine and told him to carry on seeing his counsellor but Aspergers has never been discussed. Do you think I should see him again and ask what support he can obtain with regards to his further education now?
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Hi Mark,
I just purchased the book. The program help
parent with defiant asperger teen we purchased a few weeks ago really
works. My son has not argued with me about two weeks.He is very mild
asperger kid, I feel sorry I have not looked for help earlier since he
gets along with my husband very well. He only likes to control me and
pick his younger sister. My husband tries his best to help us get along
with each other until I change my parent style after I read your book
and listened to your vedio.
Again, thank you very much for your help.
Regards,
Cathy
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Dear Mark,
I have been writing to you on and off about my son Aditya. His main problem is depression. This has been under pharmacological treatment for the last three and a half years. He also has frequent mood swings between being ok and very depressed.
We have been telling him about his Asperger personality traits and how the social experiences may contribute to depression and that social skill development is doable and will help him get over his sadness and social inhibition . However he has not really taken this very seriously.
His main problem used to be about his lack of success with having a girlfriend. However now his depression has made him disinterested in everything and he says he doesn't even want a girlfriend any more. Many changes of antidepressants seem to help only marginally. He seems to have given up on having a happy life. Also he has been reading up on spirituality and it seems to have made him even more detached. He probably has taken it all too literally...
You had once said that you do 'life coaching ' of Asperger Synd people. Is this something you still do? Would you be willing to help Aditya rediscover his joy of living , which he did once have in his younger days? He is 29 years old now.
Please do let me know the details about this, and also how much you charge for your help.
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Thank you for providing this resource for us. A little background: My daughter, Josie, is 12 yrs old and in 6th grade. Since she was 4 yrs old she has had assessments done by pediatricians, psychologists, physical therapists, neuro-psychs, and speech therapists. Lots of things were ruled out but until she was 7 yrs old she did not recieve a diagnosis from anyone. A psychologist finally gave her a PDD-NOS diagnosis. She started got her an IEP at school and she started physical therapy and ADHD meds (the meds did not do anything but ramp up her anxiety) she was generally doing quite well at the time, but struggled with impulsivity and self care skills, it was managable for us at the time. She is creative and sings, plays piano and is a great artist. These skills have kept her happy and occupied while she was younger.
Now she is 12 and in 6th grade, and her deficits with executive function and social skills are starting to affect her emotionally. It is no longer enough for her to draw and play music, she desperately wants friends. Resources for tween/teen girls have been difficult for us to find even though we live in Los Angeles. The good programs are out of our reach financially and our insurance won't cover. She has done some talk therapy but that did not seem to help. So we are really struggling with how to help her. Her main issues are:
1. Self care (she has poor personal hygiene and she will shower everyday but forget to use soap, she doesnt brush her teeth properly but refuses to let us help her, she won't wash her hands and has trouble taking care of her hair etc) This has become more much challenging as she wants and needs independence and gets very upset if we try to help her in these areas. I don't want to have her feel humiliated- so we have made a list that hangs in the bathroom, we give her gentle reminders, send her back in the shower etc. This has been going on for about a year and with our way of doing this she still has not been able to make it routine. This issue affects the next area she struggles with.
2. Friendship/social skills: She is friendly and fun and initially seems to be able to make friends. These friendships don't last very long though. And she has never really had a true friend. No hanging out with friends after shool, sleep overs etc. She is lonely. She is not very open with us so we do not know what exactly ends these short term friendships, but we are assuming that she behaves in a way that makes the friend distance themselves from her. She tends to obsess over the friend and contacts them too much, her humor is a bit off and she can be very blunt. She also does not understand the give and take needed to establish close relationships and is not very interested in the other childs point of view or interests and mostly talks about herself. We do try to model this for her as well as talk to her about the importance of asking questions, showing interest and not overwhelming a friend. But with this we also are not making much progress.
3. Computer/online use: She is completely obsessed with being on the computer. She loves games like Movie star planet and IMVU. These games have chat rooms and lots of on line social interaction Ironically we have found that she has learned a lot from these games in terms of how to socially interact, music, fashion and other things that girls her age are interested in. So initially we thought it was a good outlet for her to have a quasi social life. The characters the kids create interact etc. And it makes her extremely happy when she is playing these games. At the same time she is not always safe and gives out personal info or gets sucked into drama that is above her maturity level. She creates dramatic alter egos for attention and we had to shut it down. She was very depressed about this for a very long time and began self harming by cutting her upper arms. Her psychiatrist told us that this is not uncommon for teen girls with ASD and is a form of self stimulation. She ha!
s not attempted this in along time and we now let her use the computer for very short supervised periods of time. But she is sneaky and will take my phone or use a siblings tablet.
I know that it is best to focus on one issue at a time. These are our main issues currently and we are not sure where to start and which issue to focus on. Her moods are very dependent upon access to being on-line (we use it as a rewards system and that seems to work) We dont know if we should completely take computer/tablet/phone privileges away from her until we have a handle on her behaviors and have built trust, and at the same time she almost becomes depressed if she does not have access because this is her only social connectivity and she really needs that at her age. We hope that you can help guide us on where to start.
We are enrolling her in a once weekly social skills group and she does have a psychiatrist that she sees for anxiety meds and ADHD management but he does not believe that she has ADHD. He tells her that she is immature for her age and that she will grow out of it. What else should we be doing? Are there any skills groups for teens re executive function? We have searched everywhere and cannot seem to find anything for girls her age. Most services seem to be for younger kids. Even social skills groups are mostly for boys.
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I'm sure this is not the first letter you have received from a grandparent asking for your help or if the program can help,so I'm hoping the answer is yes it can. Our grandson is turning 9 in a few weeks was diagnosed with Aspergers in first grade I have noticed he is becoming more aggressive toward his sister and two cousins whom are both girls and younger than him, and not just verbally abusive but also physically. His parents of course are embarrassed and frustrated and his Aunts and Uncles are starting to avoid including him in family functions for fear he will hurt one of the girls, at our last family gathering there were friends over with boys about the same age as him and he punched one in the face and threatened to saw him in half (I'm hoping he had watched a circus act and meant this in a comedic way but how do you explain that to a parent as they are rushing out the door in horror with their boys). We live about two hours away from them and don't see them as often as we would like but I would love to be able to share this with our daughter so she, our grandson and granddaughters can enjoy family time again.......help?
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I have this immensely stressful situation with our son and in all honesty, I am alone in parenting and managing the chaos because my husband is holding on to so much resentment that he is unwilling to address it or let go of it. I just don't know how to be the anchor in my family. I am completely depleted by my sons behavior, but also very much depleted with my husbands reactions, resentment and anxiety. He also has, all or nothing type of the thinking and an intense level of going through the anxiety cycle that is provoked by my sons behavior. I feel ungrounded and anxious myself. I am having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other this week.
My son has refused to come home because he does not want his car taken from him. We know he is town because I have seen his car in passing and he has texted once. He has been gone for 2 days and this creates much anxiety in the sense that he has been chemically imbalanced for days now, not taking his meds. His impulsivity is off the charts and with this imbalance it makes things very nerve wracking on our end because anything can happen. Our own anxiety kicks in because it's now a safety issue where if he hurts someone we are liable and responsible. Realistically, what are our options here?
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I've downloaded your very encouraging and extensively-equipped e-book and begun to implement better discipline techniques with our almost 17-year old son.
He has crippling social anxiety which has prevented him from continuing with his studies since February and we're trying all manner of therapy to help him with those issues but he is the most obnoxious, spoilt lad and fits the profile of your example aspergers teen very much although he has got through school all these years with no problems if he has had problems mixing with others but only to a degree until recently.
He has a small group of friends but has totally isolated himself to mainly communicating online so is only reinforcing his social phobia by avoiding going out.
Coupled with these problems he blames us for everything and refuses to seek help or discuss what he wants to do which gets very frustrating.
Today my husband demanded he discusses things with us and it resulted in a huge rage incident where both myself and my husband tried to physically throw him out of the house but were unable to. He's very strong and tall with the mind of a 9 year old like you say.
Anyway we told him to give us his laptop after we confiscated the Xbox and was met with more foul language but he eventually gave it to us after we said he can have his stuff back after 3 days if he doesn't abuse us any more.
He is still being abusive and I guess I'm to tell him he will lose an extra day? The trouble is he will still ignore that and carry on being abusive. Whenever we confiscate his stuff he immediately reacts with abuse. He still has his phone but I've put a timer on the wifi now so nobody can use it after 11pm.
What has prevented us tackling it previously is because giving in I guess has prevented these raging tantrums which his younger brothers have had to witness numerous times.
I'd just like some further clarification on the abuse-after-consequence is enforced as I want to avoid piling up never-ending consequences but the profanity is simply demonic towards us.
Any advice gratefully received as you seem to know exactly what we're dealing with.
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Last night I was hurt by my 13 year old daughter . She didn't want to leave a party ("I was finally having fun mom ") and hit me in the driveway with
Her coat in the face . She didn't realize her phone was in there and it caused a huge welt above my eye immediately and I am still
In pain .
I want to make sure my reaction sends the right message to this serious issue . I am more than hurt. Of course
I am worried someone saw from the front window and our friendship with the hosts and guests will
Be impacted . I know my daughter is most likely an aspergers teen and was struggling all day . ( a stressful
Private school Spanish exam that cause tons of anxiety that morning, a cake that didn't turn out right and she
Abandoned her friends and the project and the mess at my house that afternoon . I know she was reluctant to come to the party and I struggle with
Leaving her home because once I do she tries to skip/avoid that social event each time . It seems important to bring her the few places we r still invited and welcome. These families have nice daughters her age that are really tolerant and nice to her.
What would u do ? For how long ? Who what where when???? I know the why .
Please help me . Our therapist sees us every other week and downplays most of my concerns.
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Hi There,
I am really concerned about my 9 -year old, he's adjust about 3 years. My
son has a multitude of complex medical issues. He was recently
re-evaluated for his special ed eligibility. We found out that he has
receptive language disorder and most likely from the OT eval central
auditory. He's been through OT and speech when he was younger and some
early intervention. I have been told he's been cleared of being on the
spectrum and that was through several speech therapist.
Here is what Joel is doing. His expressive language is o.k., but when he
speaks, usually excited about something he will repeat the sequence of
something he did or something he gets to do. Its almost like the brain
gets stuck or a continuous loop, I try to redirect , but he still stays
fixated.
I live in a small town, so not allot of services, would like some input.
Here is what he does: "So for example his dad will take him to turn in
cans and then to get a video after he has save his money."
So this is Joel's conversation: Daddy going to take me to get cans , turn
in, go to game stop and he will repeat that for several hours, some times
a pause, until it happens. plus excessive talking and interruptions. Dad
and I both try to redirect, but it does wear on us.
I have been doing research, and I wasn't sure if this would fall under
Asperger's or not. I know that Echolalia term has been used ..
Any input would be helpful...
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am a mom of a 17 years old boy. It was only last year I
brought him to see a psychiatrist after he broke down and refused to
attend public school. The psychiatric just said that he has asperger
syndrome after seeing my son body language. He was unable to make him
talk after 4 session with him. He told me it would be fruitless if my
son refuse to talk to him. It was best for us as parents to guide him at
home.
My son was a normal kid until we sent him to Chinese speaking school
which he did not master. It was fine for the 1st year, for the 2nd year
results was not good. I spent time to coach him Malay language and sent
him Chinese tuition. His grade getting better for Malay but not Chinese.
He never fail the Chinese subject, though. By the way, all subjects
were in chinese. He excelled in his chinese maths. Maths is his
favourite subject.
It was until when he was in year 3, i believe one of the teachers made
fun of him or scolded him in front of the class that cause him refusing
to speak to teachers until now. He is a very prideful child and smart
kid. He knows he was rude for not speaking or not looking at teachers
when spoken with. He would speak to his friend and the friend would
answer to the teacher.
My son told me he has social anxiety and didn't know why he
was reacting that way. He was very frustrated that was when he accepted
psychiatric help. But when psychiatric waz unable to help, he felt
hopeless for a while and refuse seeing other psychiatric. I could not
even mention it, he would shut himself out.
Since the day he broken down, I hv pulled him out of public
school and let him studying ICGSE O-level on line. He is coping very
well with his studies and less depressing now.
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At school, if he gets yellow or orange behavior card, he is grounded
for 2 days and no privileges to use his toy and free time. (he needs to
get green or blue behavior color to receive all of his privileges)
We
have noticed that he sometimes change the color of the behavior card he
receives (he erase yellow color, and change to green before come back
home), and we have decided to ground him for 3 days if he lie or
cheating. (2 days grounding for normal violation and 3 days of grounding
for cheating or lie)
Problem is he violates(cheating, do not
follow grounding direction) for almost everyday since middle of the
April, and we reset grounding for almost 3 weeks. So, he has no use of
anything for 3 weeks! Incident happened yesterday was, he stole small
accessary (lock and keys) at school book fair, and teacher noticed him,
and consequently got a office visit. Me and my husband also brought him
to local police station last night to teach him a lesson. However, he
brings his wallet to school today to buy the small accessary without
our permission.
I know 3 weeks of grounding is really too harsh to him, and he seems frustrated everyday.
I wonder we are really in the right track...to keep this program is worthy for him.
Actually his first IEP meeting is 2 days ahead, we don't have much strategies for the meeting.
He
has diagnosed as ADHD in 2015 and additionally diagnosed as mild ASD
& Asperger's syndrome in April 2016 from private doctor. (he is 7
years old and 2nd grade)
School district has also assessed him during
1 month, and I have received evaluation report yesterday. For your
reference, I am attaching APPENDIX part of school evaluation report.
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Hi, I adopted my granddaughter at age 6, she is 11 now. She was taken away from her mom at age 3 and placed in foster care. She lived out of state so I did not have much of a connection until she came to live with me. She has been diagnosed with RAD and ODD. She was in counseling the first 3 years she lived with me, and the counselor felt she was no longer in need of his services. I just had a incident at school where she lied and said another student hit her, but found out she had not and that the student had accused my granddaughter of stealing one of her pencils. She went do far with this lie that she told 2 teachers and the principle about it. I have seen more anger issues lately, she has stolen things off and on, and much lying. My question is what can I do to help her? Is there a special kind of therapist or counselor I need her to see, and what approach should I be taking with her? Thank you for your time
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My 10 year old son has ODD. He gets sent home from school early everyday
& his schedule is only 3 & a half hours daily already. The
school has called DFS in the past for my “inability to parent” . He did
great for a few months but like everything else
it worked for awhile then it no longer did with no apparent reason for
the change. Everything I try takes so long to work the school assumes
I’m doing nothing at all. Explaining what I’m doing also does no good
because they assume I’m either making excuses
for my son or myself. The last time we spoke about his behavior they
were vague & mentioned ‘outside agencies’ might be necessary. I’m at
the end of my rope with no end in sight. HELP!
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Hello, I am seeking answers for a situation I have with my son who has Asperger's/ADHD/etc. The situation is so multi-layered, I don't know where to begin. I will try to condense. My son has Asperger's/high-functioning autism, and he is so intelligent in some areas that it is really hard to tell for some people. If you don't live with him, people just think he is a selfish jerk. At age 19, he decided to exclude himself from family holiday gatherings that have always been dysfunctional and torturous for us to make our obligatory attendance every year. He told me to tell everyone that if they wanted to see him, they were welcome to come by and visit as he would be celebrating comfortably and happy at home. I commend him for his independence and logic, but they call him selfish and rude. Anyways, this is just a little insight about his nature. The problem I seek answers to at the moment is this: Almost a year ago, his girlfriend moved in with us (my son and I) the day she turned 18, to get away from her “controlling” parents. Last night, I was in the kitchen cooking and they came in to make their dinner. My son was apparently trying to teach her how to cook. This is when I noticed what other people have recently noticed. He is very controlling of her. He was telling her very detailed instructions in a very rigid manner, and she had no room for error. I had to step in and comment when I saw her body language and facial expressions, which reminded me of my own past abuse issues from bad relationships. I told him to let her do it the way she wanted, more or less. She then looked mortified at what his next reaction would be. He became very silent and I knew a storm was brewing. In a nutshell, I have many of my own issues, my son has many of his own issues, and his girlfriend has hers. We are oozing issues all over each other and I don’t know where to begin, as we all need help. My son won’t do anything to seek help. Any suggestions? Thanks so much!
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Dr. Hutten
I am a speech pathologist working in a private
school for children with learning differences and high functioning
autism or asp in high school. I have experience with younger children
but need more information regarding teenagers. I would
like some suggestions for my program and especially would like
information I can give to my parents. Thank you for your support.
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My daughter is 15 now and was diagnosed at an early age. She has had early intervention, sporadic therapy , and medication. We recently changed her meds as abilify was way too expensive and it was not a perfect fit either, she is now on Lexapro. Currently she is having many rage issues, anxiety, meltdowns and has described herself as scratching herself on her bus ride home due to over stimulation around her. She does see a therapist and a psychiatrist, although my husband and I are seeking additional resources to help with her behavior. Will this program be helpful for her and us? When her therapist sees her my daughter presents as a normal adolescent , not like the individual we experience daily for this reason I don't feel the therapy she is receiving is very helpful .
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Dear Mark,
I just came across your website while searching in
desperation for advice on what to do with my 13 year old stepson. I'm
not sure if you offer advice over email, but I thought I'd try.
My
stepson (we'll call him Alex) has always been hard to discipline
because he has absolute to response to consequences - good or bad. You
can offer the exact thing he's been wanted and he's willing to throw it
out the window in favor of acting out or not listening or you can
take away absolutely everything and he doesn't care. I have often
wondered if he has separation anxiety disorder or depression (as I tend
be a bit of an armchair psychologist).
His mom
lacks basic parental instincts or behavior and will often say the most
awful things you've heard a mom say to a kid. She left him to be with
another man in the middle of the night and that's part of why I wonder
about the separation anxiety disorder (not getting attached to things
that can be taken away). Alex is with us Friday PM-Tuesay AM which means every weekend is awful - his defiance completely ruins every weekend.
After
5 years of me pushing for a conversation with the school and the
doctor, my husband finally pursued an ADD/ADHD evaluation because Alex
was clearly off-the-charts ADD and we received the diagnosis in March.
Instantly, on adderol, Alex was a different kid - handwriting changes,
he was thinking critically, writing in complete sentences, clearly
articulating what's happening in school, remembering things etc. His
grades went from Fs to Bs in a matter of weeks.
BUT,
getting him out of bed has always been a challenge and we've seem to
run head on into teenage defiance meeting a body that needs rest from
both puberty and the meds. He absolutely refuses to get out of bed for
school, and because he doesn't care about consequences, your suggestions
from this
post aren't
working. We fought super hard to get him onto the baseball team through
his new 504 and despite of his bad grades. He's thriving, but willing
to throw it away because he won't get out of bed. He doesn't care about
make-up homework or grades and will just flat out refuse to do anything
my husband tells him to do. He was always nice to me, but has become
flat-out defiant and nasty to me and won't do anything. Just yesterday,
one of our chickens had been attacked and had no skin on his head; I was
only home with Alex (who was sleeping) and ran into his room with a
bloody chicken in my hands asking for help saving it's life and he just
rolled over, told me to get a towel and deal with it myself, and went
back to sleep. I no longer choose to engage with him (which is probably
the opposite of what I should do, but I can't take the abuse being
hurled at me, and as the stepparent, I'm backing away).
My
husband is at a complete loss of what to do and feels helpless. I'm
newly pregnant and need to focus on minimizing my stress.
Any help you can offer would be appreciated more than you could know.
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I read online this program might work for adults. My son became a
diabetic at age 23-diabetes type one. He now was living out of state.
His job moved him there. Alcohol wa a problem in college but once
diabetic he quit drinking. He was in hospital frequently with keto
acidosis. A pump helped wonderfully for 5 years but with insurance
changes could no longer afford supplies. Now he is on dialysis and has
gastroparesis. Why am I asking niw you say "he purposely shoots himself
in foot all the time" he much if the time has vomiting diarrhea or
both. He did not like last endocrinologist and didn'go until had to.
Wouldn't change either. I think he could help some with gastroparesis .
After about 10 days of Gi issues wanted to go out to eat after studying
menu ordered fajitas with chorizo. Eric I said to him chorizo? We
hadn't been home an hour until all came up? Why he knew better.
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Good Morning!
I am back to scouring the internet for solutions on what to do with my son, when I came across your website. I am considering trying your OPS, but I have a couple of questions for you. This system seems to be tailored more towards defiant, oppositional children, and my son doesn't really fall into that category. (My son just turned 15 this month and is on medication for ADHD.)
However, he has been sneaking out of the house repeatedly, despite our efforts to keep him from it. A few of the nights he snuck out he and some friends stole the school's driver's ed car and the police brought him home. So he has been in trouble with the law, which as it turns out was very lenient with him and only gave him community service, took his license, and gave him a curfew. I thought the curfew would deter him from sneaking out but it hasn't. We have taken all of his electronics to deter communication with these "friends", however he keeps finding ways to get iPods, he stole his sisters, and his friends keep providing him with them.
We also grounded him from doing anything outside of the house, no friends ect. We started a reward/punishment system with him where if he does certain things like sneaking out for example he gets another month of grounding; picks on his brother or sister, an additional day; and if he does certain positive things he can reduce his grounding. We thought putting this in his hands would help give him control over the situation and realize his actions have consequences. It has been going great during the day, he has been more responsible and doing what we ask around the house, earning back some days from his grounding, then we find out he snuck out 3 more times earlier this month and had one of his friends Ipods, which is how we found out he had snuck out!
I don't know what more to do. We have tried counseling (which didn't help at all) and even tried to get him in to a boys home for help, but that isn't going to work either unless we want to be bankrupt! Will your system help us too?
He is a good kid, loving, in fact he acts immature for his age. The problem is he has this other side to him that he continues to sneak out to hang out with his friends despite all we have tried, or even the fact that he could get in trouble with the law being out after curfew. He claims he meets with his friends because he and his friends confide in each other, his friends need someone to talk to. I believe there has been some drinking involved initially. And he was messing with making cigarettes before as well. I have no idea if that has stopped. Oh, and did I mention the lying? He is a very good liar.
No one seems to have any answers for us, not the counselor, the states attorney, his doctor. I don't know what else to do aside from having a security system installed on our house and hire a babysitter to watch him all day! We cannot trust him at all.
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Hi there
I'm a mum from Scotland is despair. My son is having several problems at
school and unfortunately I'm not receiving much help from his teachers
or the school itself.
How do I know if my son has Asperges. I've been through many websites
and he does follow some of the patterns, but by no means all.
He struggles to get involved in teams and often prefers to play his own
game, he's happy for others to get involved but he struggles to involve
himself in their games.
He lacks empathy and resilience, things we are working on. His teacher
recently suggested he receive support with his spelling and social
stories for his inability to get involved with his peers. Does this mean
she suspects Asperges?
I am very lost and need help. Any suggestions would be gladly received.
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Hi Mark,
Thanks for your follow up email.
Currently
encountering cross road about my marriage and we just got married last
year October. Its our second marriage! When he told me after we got
married that he is Aspie which I've no cue what is that about. He seems
to be fairly normal and smart but he does have some issues which I
thought it was related to his family upbring.
I
have been reading about Asperger and does helped me to understand
certain behaviours of his. The point is I am not sure he is aware of
his aspie issue can destroy the relationship? It has been challenging
to deal with his disrespectful name calling towards me? Not feeling
remorseful nor sorry.
We
have not been talking for a week now, emailed him (he said communicated
via email) to ask for a proper discussion on how are we going to move
forward. His replied was he is not ready and he is shutting down. He
just returned from US ( we living in Asia) and he had an back operation
few weeks ago.
Anyway, I am ready to give up now.
Cheers
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Hi Mark,
I
came across your interesting website and decided to write to you. I
have a 27 year old son with Asperger’s Syndrome who has refused to
communicate with me for 10 years. I love him and was his advocate all
his life. His behavior towards me became violent at around age 13-14 and
then, at 17, his father was forced to let him live with him. His father
and step mother did not want him but coped with the situation. My son
turned against me and they allowed it. My AS son lives with his
girlfriend and doesn’t even communicate with my younger son anymore. I
have reached out and searched for an answer to this sad situation for
years. My AS son needs social skills help (he is gifted and bright,
drives, takes care of himself and girlfriend but doesn’t work or go to
college). I am wishing for an intervention of some kind.
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We have an almost 24 yr old son, Andrew, with Aspergers’ (though he
denies it). We also have a 20 year old daughter, Alison, with Rett
Syndrome. Andrew blames Alison for ruining his life. He claims he was
traumatized at an early age by her because he didn’t understand what was
going on with her. We tried desperately to help him to understand her
condition as will as try to provide equal time between the two of them.
He now claims that he was totally paralyzed with fear and afraid to ask
for help. He is now mad that we never realized it. We’ve had him in
therapy on and off for years trying to help him deal with our family
situation; nothing seemed to provide relief. It wasn’t until three
years ago that we told him of his diagnosis and, if hind sight is 20-20,
we probably should have told him from the beginning. Both kids were
diagnosed around the same time and we didn’t want him to feel that
something was “wrong” with him like there was with his sister. Anyway,
for the past three years he’s been in therapy and has been seen by
numerous Psychiatrists (he hates them all because he feels the
profession is BS). He says he doesn’t consider his sister to be human
and we need to put her away so he can get on with his life. That is not
an option for us for various reasons. The bottom fell out a few weeks
ago and we’ve had several family sessions with his Psychologist.
Unfortunately we haven’t really gotten anywhere. Andrew has his own
apartment, drives for Uber, and can, for the most part, live on his own
but he comes and stays at our house quite frequently because he says he
keeps having relapses because “of her” and can’t get on with his life.
The stress of him being here is insurmountable. We in no way minimize
how he felt as a little kid, but we do see a pattern here. He has
always done the classic obsessing over things which have lasted for
months at a time and we think he is doing it again with this, only this
has manifested into something very damaging. It is almost like he
enjoys being the victim, the comfort of the attention from his dad
myself, and his psychologist, and the excuse to not have to become
responsible. We are at our wits end. We think his Psychologist is too
passive and basically lets him vent without giving him concrete skills
to overcome this. It’s so frustrating because he would rather blame
everyone for his woes. There has to be a way of getting him unstuck
from his past and take responsibility for his thoughts, feelings, etc.
How do we do this? Your help would be greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey Mark!
I'd like to pick your brain on something.
I work at a company that trains individuals with AS and HFA how to develop apps, games via technology.
There
is an individual I will refer to as Nick (that's my son's name) with
AS. Nick has had a crush on two different neurotypical young female
staff members. The first crush was handled by one of the (male)
directors. This director talked to Nick about his apparent 'crush' on
female #1 was not appropriate since she was staff, etc.
Now when Nick sees female #1 he literally runs in order to avoid/escape her presence.
Last
week Nick tried to kiss Female #2 by telling her he wanted to show her
something. He had her seat in front of a computer and when she sat, he
put his hand softly around the back of her neck and reached down and
tried to kiss her. She rejected his attempt. Female #2 told him no and
held her hands up to block his kiss. He voiced that she was giving him
all of the signals that she was interested in having a relationship.
Female
#2 feels awful that Nick was under the wrong impression. The director
called him into the office and explained that it is inappropriate for
Nick to have a relationship with staff.
Female #2 also feels awful that her 'actions' may have gotten Nick in trouble.
I told her to be prepared for his escape/avoidance behavior next week.
She told him last week that they would talk about the scenario and he said don't come near me.
Do you have some helpful advice for her? And for him?
Thanks. Interested in your thoughts!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son was recently diagnosed, because I noticed his increased
difficulty to keep friends, he's 8 years old, and nobody ever gave us an
indication of his situation. I always had to ask him about his social
time at school and last year wasn't that bad, he had a best friend, but
this year little by little he's become isolated, even kids who were
friendly to him, now are rejecting him. How can I help him? It breaks my
heart to see that he used to be a lively and happy kid and now he's not
like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Cheers,
Jamie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have seen 4 therapists, 2 pediatricians, an internal medicine doctor,
a sleep study doctor, taken a 15 minute test for ADD from licensed
psychologist, consulted psychiatrists, been in an inpatient behavioral
health center for a little over 2 weeks. I have had conflicting advice
and diagnoses. One therapist said no to Borderline Personality or
Aspergers. One therapist said he may possibly be on the spectrum.
Another had a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Psychiatrists
one said he was depressed and put him on Prozac. Which seemed to help,
but the son quit taking when he goggled what it was for. Another
psychiatrist prescribed Adderal which seemed to help one day but he
stayed up all night playing video games and blamed the medicine. He quit
taking. The latest therapist is seeing obvious signs of video game
addiction. He has stayed up 24 hours playing when allowed by therapist
advice. (Awake for 36 hours with 1 1/2 nap.) Refusing to do school and
stay in bed all day when gaming taken away. Currently 6 months behind in
school. Current therapist sees possible personality disorders including
borderline and narcissism. Son will be 17 in a month. We have not had
autism tested, but therapist suggested. Our teen is non-compliant
concerning medicines, therapy appointments, and doctor's appointments.
We have made and missed multiple appointments. No guarantees to get
compliance on anything. He is a picky eater. 6'2 and 145 lbs. Only wants
certain foods at home or eat out daily. Very difficult child. Lazy, not
motivated. Doesn't care if he is a high school drop-out. His plan is to
live at home with parents, play video games and spend his car fund
savings account on gun graphics for his game. Need help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark:
My son threatened suicide and is now in a treatment center.
We have struggled all of his life . However, now that all the
stress of school is gone and the pressure is off I can see
the mental component much more clearly.
It gets lost in public school and in daily life.
Now placing him in an alternative school for High Functioning Autism.
is extremely difficult .
I have my work cut out for me . Matthew , has an I.e.p, but the school
thinks they can handle it . They cant I am seeking counsel in my area.
This book is going to help us further parent Matthew, my son .Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,
I think I have a brother with ASD, it's causing my mother and I a great deal of emotional problems. Can you help me to understand if he does actually have this, or just a total asshole or psychopath. It would really help us to deal with him.
I can chat via skype, and send you a very long email thread that will show you everything about our relationship.
Please get back to me. My skype is: olli
I get a lot of spam, so please include a message saying it's about this with your request.
Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
We have a son with high functioning aspergers. We live in California. He
was adopted at birth as well. He is a great kid but has always been
difficult. He is being a bit rebellious and has trouble with disrespect
to us and anger. He is pretty social but sabotages any friendships even
though he is liked. He suffers from low self esteem and wrong
perspectives. We are not doing well as a family here and are seeking
help. Maybe in depth therapy somewhere to help him and us with our
relationship. He is not violent or a drug user and we are a Christian
family. Do you know of any place he can go for some therapy that would
be safe and helpful with the knowledge or aspergers .? Appreciate any
help.
Thanks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you point me to links/help related to an ex-spouse who is enabling & coddling 20 yr old aspie son, specifically what
WE can do to set boundaries with 1. son (who refuses to go to
therapy/help) and 2. mother (who coddles like you rarely see, e.g. mom
texts before he goes over there if he wants his cinnamon sugar toast
ready-level of coddling, etc..)
My
husband (Dad) and I (step-mom) are all on board with suggestions per
Mark's launching advice, however while ex-spouse sees spectrum behavior,
she has ignored Mark's info which we sent to her and seems to believe
her "ways" will someday ("maybe it will take him until he's 27") finally
"work" and he'll be independent.
Her level of coddling with a NT would be dysfunctional and harmful for launching. Add an Aspie and it's lethal.
What
can we do to set healthy boundaries with son and ex-wife, so that when
the next crisis happens it's on her and he can't live here unless he
gets help and shows effort towards independence.
-admitted
to hospital psych ward after he wigged out about a family friend
(girl), who took him under her wings away at college, finally set HER
boundary and said you need to figure this out by yourself..... he must
have thought she liked him and then was devastated she abandoned him.
-2 horrible college semesters (away, huge state college)
-3rd
semester he did nothing, literally 0.00 for 13
credits....................no care in the world when he came home and
lied during semester when dad went up there many, many times to check on
academic status
-flew the
coop on a bus to another state bec he didn't want to watch his little
sister during the summer (mom's 7 yr old daughter she had while married
to dad = divorce)
So step-son is "messed up" with that too. I.E. needs therapy in many ways, social skills training, etc....
Do
we tell him can't stay night here unless he agrees to therapy? Do we
say mom you're on your own with him. Don't call us when the next crisis
happens. You made your bed with him now sleep in it, until you agree
to support healthy moves to independence?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Dr. Hutten,
I have a 12 year old son who has been diagnosed with Aspergers. I knew
something was wrong since he was a baby and I have been through a very
rocky road with him trying to get doctors to explain to me what was
going on but, they all just pushed him aside. They even said they could
not really diagnose him for sure with Aspergers because he was all over
the place. He had a little bit of everything. Even a so called “author
of Aspergers” told me the exact same thing. I was so frustrated with the
system that was suppose to be there to support us but, instead they
turned their back on us. If it wasn’t for certain angels I met along the
way, I don’t know that I would be where I am with him today. I have
pretty much struggled on my own to be an advocate for my child and have
hit quite a few bumps along the way. On top of this my daughter (my
son’s twin sister) recently developed generalized anxiety. She is also
on the borderline of anorexia nervosa. Why borderline? She too does not
“quite meet the criteria” for a treatment program. Her BMI is barely 16
and the criteria is 15. Trying to get help for her has been a struggle
too.
I often feel overwhelmed and like I am failing my children not to
mention that I feel like a failure as a Parent and, I am reminded of
this on a daily basis. There are times when I just feel like I can’t
hang on anymore but, I know I have too. My health has taken quite a
toll. Lately, I have been extremely stressed out and I am about to hit
menopause. I have circulation problems along with nerve damage on the
right side of my body and, arthritis in both my knees. I am always
putting myself aside because I do not have time to tend to my needs with
everything I have on my plate. So, I just suck it up and deal with all
the pain and keep moving forward. I just learn to deal with it! But, I
don’t like it. I don’t feel the happiness that other parents feel with
their children. I often wonder if I am just not cut out to be a parent
but, then why would God have given me 2 beautiful children? I love my
children. My calendar is always full of doctors appointments. That’s all
our lives seem to revolve around. I feel that it is taking a toll on
the whole family. I don’t want my kids to grow up and most of their
memories are doctors offices.
I feel like every time I reach out for a resource that fits the bill, my
child is turned away because they just “don’t meet the criteria
completely”. I hear this alot.
My son has therapy on a regular basis, but I feel that it is not really
working. He has been on medication for some time now to treat his
generalized anxiety, vocal ticks and ADD. He also has a little OCD.
Recently, he started middle school and that is when all hell broke
loose. He gets upset easily and trying to talk to him is usually a
failed attempt because of his resistance and explosive outbursts.
Everytime he gets in the car with me he starts attacking me by yelling
at me, calling me horrible names, and takes out his aggression on his
sister which ends up in a verbal fight. I put on classical music for him
after school while in the car, he has his phone in case he wants to
play a game and, I try not to have conversation so it does not cause a
reaction out of my son. I dread the time we spend together in the car.
Never pleasant :(
Today, he took his fist and hit my dashboard inside the car as hard as
he could because I told him we could not get ice cream today when he had
asked me. As I started to explain why, he interrupted me and yelled at
the top of his lungs. I tried to tell him we could go
tomorrow
and , he wasn’t having it until he calmed down an hour later. I feel he
has no empathy whatsoever and now, I am getting scared that he might
hit me in the near future while I am driving or I might be the story of
the child who killed his parents while they were a sleep at night. My
son is frustrated with me and he feels that I do not listen to him at
all because he wants to yell at me when he wants me to listen to him. I
always feel like I am the bad guy. I guess this is how most parents are
feeling but, I feel it on a different level.
I desperately need some guidance. A support group for all of us. I don’t
know if I need to do brain mapping, ABA therapy, or what.
My son plays the violin which he loves and is doing exceedingly well. He
is a part of his school orchestra and a conservatory of music outside
of school. My daughter is an artist and loves to sing with her school
choir. My kids love to go camping which we do a lot. They both have
playdates, but my son tends to want to have down time a lot which for
him means, “don’t go anywhere, just stay home and play wii or watch tv”.
I prefer he gets some outside activity. His Dad will take him to play
basketball and I will sometimes take him to play tennis with his sister
and I. He likes both of these activities.
Both of my children made Honor Roll this year on their own. No pressure
from us. I don’t believe in that. I am very proud of them, but my son
feels I am not always proud of him.
Any guidance you can offer would be greatly appreciated :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I really need someone to talk to about my 14
year old son with Aspergers and my ex-husband who I believe has
Aspergers. We also have two other children, ages 12 and 8. We have
been divorced for about 3 years but I want to reconcile, but that
doesn't go over so well with someone with Aspergers (and probably most
people anyway). I am in a very, very difficult situation with my
children right now and I really need someone knowledgeable about
Aspergers to help me sort out some things. I know we haven't met, but
if you have any time today I would really appreciate it because this is
really urgent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to discuss with you two main things: any experience you
have with reconciliation between a couple where one partner has
Aspergers, and though very difficult for anyone, how you would approach
this with someone in that very rigid mindset (also, he does not know I
think that he has Aspergers, but I now understand Aspergers much better
and can give many reasons why I believe this is the case); second, I
need help structuring a treatment plan for my 14 year old son (including
my other two boys, ages 12 and 8, who have been deeply affected by this
situation dealing with home life with their brother). I want to
discuss with you our current situation, what I am trying to do, and any
input you may have on what I may need to include that I haven't thought
of. I realize this is a tall order, and you don't know us personally,
but I want to talk with someone with your experience and just get your
general opinion. I know that there are many other people who are
advocates for autism, Aspergers, etc. with a lot of knowledge, but I
notice that in much of the information out there, you go in depth into
the topic of marriage/living with an Aspergers partner more than most,
and really advocate for that aspect of it. You also go into a lot of
depth about about dealing with defiant Aspergers kids/teens, and that
understanding is very important to me as well.
There
are three more things I want to mention. First, my children's Dad does
not recognize or accept that our son has Aspergers, in fact, he
completely disagrees with it and believes that I am labeling our son,
despite having seen certain behaviors himself and psychological
assessments. Second, he is currently trying to get full custody of the
boys. This was triggered when I started to renew efforts to get some
more assessments done for our son, and our hearing is next week.
Finally,
I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, but for me, a big
spiritual component has developed. Despite all these obstacles, despite
how impossible it seems, I believe God is bringing us around this
mountain again. The legal custody thing is important, but to me right
now its not the biggest thing. Its just one component of a lot of
things. I have struggled to fully get my son the help he needs over the
last few years, and my other boys are at their wits end with dealing
with this. We are at a critical tipping point of either getting on the
road to health--or not. I cannot emphasize this enough. Our home life
has become so difficult that we are at a crisis level. There is no
'win' in this custody thing either. The only thing that is slightly
better is that I will have out on the table all of the therapy and
treatment that my son needs, and with me, I will pursue treatment. If
the boys go with Dad, Dad will not support treatment. But, everyone's
hurt either way. God has put on my heart in the heaviest way the depth
of what I have caused in this divorce. It is almost unbearable to me.
But God has also placed in my heart to pray for restoration and healing
of my WHOLE family, to include reconciling with Dad and facing his
Aspergers, and that this situation is NOT impossible. I believe God
wants me to trust Him and pursue this. I really hope you can help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
