Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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I have just listened to you program and now am more able to be more specific!!! Seriously I have seen 5 psychiatrists, behavioural peds, many psychologists and now 2 specialist psychologists in OCD and Mark, your program is the only one that is practical! I have been to the “best” specialists in my state and no real progress has been made. In fact the last person told me this was as good as it was going to get and to just get use to being his carer!!!!!
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Dear Mark
Thank you for your email. I am running a small parent support group in
Grahamstown, South Africa and have encouraged the parents to sign up for
your newsletter too. It comes highly recommended. Keep up the great work!
Kind regards,
Amanda Edwards
Speech, Language & Hearing Therapist
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Dear Mark,
I am a pediatrician in Manassas Virginia and have a daughter with ADHD and ODD. I was shown one of your ads by my office administrator who told me that your emails are wonderful and insightful. Hope to learn a lot from you. Thank you so much. David Katz M.D.
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I have a 16 year old teen that asked to move a month ago but now he is refusing to go. He has called me horrible names and said if I make he go he will raise hell with me everyday. He is already in the system. We have to move. I already have us a place. It's in another state. He thinks he can go to the judge in sue me for the rights of him. I need to know if I go to speak the the courts or is there something else I can do?
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Our very bright aspie daughter pretty much has a stranglehold on our family. She is like Jekyll and Hyde, so sometimes she will happily comply, and other times, she is completely defiant. I believe most of her defiance is due to her electronics addiction. Any attempts to set limits or give consequences involving her computer or Nintendo DS (no matter how calm we are) results in her raging, self-harm, aggression, destruction of property, and attempts to kill herself. Tonight after I turned off our internet (with a 5-minute warning and clearly stating the consequence) because she made the choice not to stop playing on her computer to take a bath, she went berserk. First came the attempts to break things (our picture of her on the wall), then trying to hit my husband (he had to restrain her), then she was crying hysterically and went inside our furnace room where we keep our vacuum, and she was trying to choke herself with our vacuum cleaner tube. We have dealt with this type of behavior and worse over the past 2+ years. She does the same types of things if we try to send her to school, plus her defiance level goes through the roof, so I am home schooling her. This type of behavior seems to be more of a panic response from her. She can't handle the thought of anyone "controlling" her. If you've ever heard of "Pathological Demand Avoidance," a subset of autism they've identified in the UK, she fits this description very well. (http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/introduction/what-is-pathological-demand-avoidance.aspx) Any advice would be much appreciated. She has been diagnosed with depression in addition to the Asperger's.
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Hello. My name is Tanya and my husband, Michael, and I have a 13 year old son who has Asperger's, SPD and I'm suspicious of ODD.
He wasn't diagnosed until he was 9.
Its really odd that even at the early age of 2 he was non tolerant of negativity of any kind. If someone on TV raised their voice he'd say "Change it!" and sometimes strike the TV. Yet we've noticed in him a bad temper. He doesn't like loud noises but as a small child he could curdle milk ... while it was still in the cow!
His biggest problem is approaching us and waiting for his turn to talk. If we ask him to wait or interrupt him he flies off. Sometimes he can go for a sit and reel himself in but then there are times that he's just too far gone and he's angry at the situation, he's angry at himself for not coping with it well and then he has a parent, or grandparent, who is after him to "come back here" (because he's walking off and mouthing off too).
It snowballs VERY quickly and results in angry adults. I try to 'act' not 'react' to him. Not everyone shares that idea, unfortunately.
Recently he was to spend the night at his grandparents' house. They only live 5 acres away and have been a part of his life since birth. I'd love to say that they are on the same page as we are but... that just isn't so.
My son tried to say something to his "Nonnie". Being loud and having a low voice, thanks to puberty he was talking over the TV that my Dad was trying to watch causing my dad to say "Shh. I'm trying to hear this."
BOOM! Our son slammed his hand on the counter in anger and then tried to walk off. My dad nabbed him by his arm to "get in his nickers" about it and he pulled away and it all went to hell from there. He started to walk home and repeatedly ignored my Mom's requests to "come back" and made matters worse by swearing at her to "leave him the *f* alone" and the like.
I just don't know if your book can help. Do you think it can? Like I said, he's 13, Aspie, SPD, he's immature, (like around a 9 year old). He plays so well with little children. He's patient even! Not so much with older kids or kids his own age. He's homeschooled. I won't lie, he's somewhat protected... okay... A LOT protected by me. I do choose who he spends his time with. He has learned the hard way about "friendships" and the sincerity, or lack thereof, of others. I didn't intervene but had to make him realize that he didn't need to sell himself for someone to play with. Then we had a long talk about quality vs quantity. ;)
He's not typical aspie. He's outgoing, can look you in the eye. He doesn't respect personal space and desires to hug and be close. It can be 'all about him' and therefore hard to interact with multiple children.
He doesn't destroy things and doesn't hurt our animals. And we have plenty of animals.
He has a conscience. One that digs at him for days. He has a big loving heart and has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even at the age of 2 he understood if my husband or I was sick and would make sure there was water to drink by us and we'd often awaken to little toys that he'd left for us on the bed.
He is definitely HF. It's the anger thing that worries me most. Combined with his conscience it can be scary. We are a Christian family and, though far from perfect, we do have a lot of positive influence in our home. Now, he does come by some of that temper honestly. (raises hand slowly) Yup, yours truly. I've not been the ideal model for self control. However, I can see where there are things with him that aren't typical triggers or stressors to others.
Anyway, I wanted to give you a little insight, not a flippin book! LOL (sorry 'bout that) I know there are answers, techniques and therapies. I want to do what I can for him. He did OT for a couple of years about once a week. The anger thing has been dealt with to some degree but the cognitive grasp doesn't seem to be enough! I even have been buying the "model me" videos. And while he finds them "corny" he thinks on them and has even said to me, "You know... as corny as it is that video made a point." (score one for mom!!!)
Any advice you have to offer will be appreciated and if you see our son in you writings then by all means TELL ME! and I'll buy it. But I want to take an active, hands on approach with him. There has to be exercises we can do to really write this on his brain and heart.
If you've gotten this far.... bless you! And thanks for your time. Time is precious and so very limited.
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God bless you, Mark. I sublet the apartment right out from under him. He tried every trick in the book to try to stay. I told him that if he could pay for it, he could have it, but since he has not been working, he was not able to come up with the money. I worry that he may be homeless. He packed up his Subaru with his stuff, and said for me not to worry about him anymore, that he would find a place to stay. I am still going to send money to his bank for groceries , health and car insurance for a limited time, until he gets a job.
I (enabled) helped him fix his car (700.00) so he could come home. He is in Rochester, NY, and I am in El Paso, TX. Several people offered him a place to stay. He said he would come home. Then, he changed his mind and chose to stay there, and look for work. He is a highly trained computer scientist, although he got suspended from college with 2 classes to go for having a low GPA.
So, I don't know where he is, or what he is doing. His neurologist used to say that he was her most goal-oriented Asperger's patient she had. I hope he shines.
So, I sit here thinking about the prodigal son, and how hard it must have been on the father!
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I'm wondering why my HFA son struggles with being stubborn and often holds a grudge. Why is it kids on the spectrum often can't let go, when someone has "wronged" them? My teenage son gets so angry and frustrated whenever things aren't 'perfect' or don't go his way. Right now, he won't speak to his father, and it's been three weeks. His father tried to apologize, for throwing out a toy, without telling my son, and his dad has HFA, so he has difficulty with this sort of communication. Is there anything a parent can do to help?
Thanks
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Dear Mark,
I have been with my boyfriend, Charles, for seven and a half years. he is 64, I am 50, I have a son who is eleven. We have been living together for three years. Shortly after beginning to live together (or maybe shortly before) we learned about Aspberger's. For me, the Aspberger framework fit the way Charles acted very well. He got a book about it and related and I thought it would give us a framework from within which to change our relationship. However, he rapidly decided he did not have Aspberger's and that my criticisms of and demands on him were his problem. I felt I had nowhere to stand and did my best with other strategies, trying to pretend that wasn't the problem, but none of it has worked. I feel alone and misunderstood. I have done quite a bit of therapy and also have a lot of experience of recovery in the 12 step program Co-dependents Anonymous. My son's father is a recovering addict in NA with twenty years clean. I never felt as alone with him, even in the two years we were togetehr when he still used, as I do with Charles, despite the fact that many aspects of my relationship with Charles are more fulfilling.
Today was the last straw, we had a big fight where I once again felt misunderstood (and I guess he did as well), and my son became afraid. After two years of pretending it isn't the problem, I found myself typing into Google "What if you're in love with someone who has Aspberger's and won't admit it" and after reading an amazing article about couples, and a few other articles, I found your book.
I am going to order it tomorrow (right now I'm on a computer that won't work for the download). I also had been thinking I would ask a friend for a contact of a therapist who does work with Aspberger/addictions and whose native language is English (we live in Spain but I am American and Charles is English), when I saw that you do online skype sessions. Your price is reasonable and from your bio you look like a really nice guy:). Are you open to doing a couple's session if Charles is open to it?
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I am trying to find a group either online or in my central VA area for support and sharing. My daughter is 28 and recently been diagnosed, though I have suspected this for years. She lives on the other side of the country, and I think I may have "lost" her communication-wise, which for symptomatic reasons is more difficult for me than her. Thanks.
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Dear Mark,
What a blessing to find your site! I am a pastor's wife in Danville, IL, and I have suspected for some years now that my husband may have a mild form of ASD, as he seems to exhibit only about half of the symptoms. Certainly we have experienced relational issues similar to those experienced by AS/non-AS couples. However, as he has worked in the psychological services field as a Theraputic Support Specialist with children on the autistic spectrum, he believes his issues are not related to AS and that I am being rather obsessive in a quest to find something wrong with him. We did see a Christian counselor in Minneapolis who is familiar
with ASD (Mary Einarson, Spectrum Counseling); in person for testing and a few times via Skype, but he felt I had unfairly biased her in my previous contacts with her, so he didn't find the counseling helpful, and we discontinued. (Finances had something to do with it, too.)
I am aware that I have my own issues that challenge our relationship. These days the Lord is giving me grace to grow in acceptance of him and to do the things that, on my side, will contribute to nurturing our relationship. I am very thankful for that. And I am open to the possibility that I may be wrong about ASD. (He is aware of the need for bonding in our relationship and desires interaction with me, which often I don't give him anymore because of frustration and feeling overwhelmed with the talking, and also because of my own bonding issues. Perhaps if he had ASD he wouldn't desire this?) It just would be nice to talk to a counselor with understanding of ASD who, while helping me examine some of my issues, could help us identify whether ASD might be a factor in our relationship. And I would like for him to have a fair chance to explain things from his point of view. (Again, I see only about half of the symptoms. The others don't apply to him.)
Can you tell me a little about your rates - either for in person counseling or for Skype sessions? Our son is starting college at Taylor University in Upland later this month (I believe the 28th), so we would be in the area briefly. We serve a struggling congregation, so at this point our income is limited. Do you happen to offer a sliding-scale rate?
Thank you so much for your time. God bless you, Chris
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QUESTION:
Hi Mark
I have a 22 year old son with ASD and severe anxiety that has developed into serious OCD. He is quite adamant he doesn’t want to grow up.
Although 22 he has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen, He doesn’t have any friends, very low self esteem and intellectually has not developed due to the fact of constant anxiety.
I did get him through high school however it was through homeschooling and he had no interest what so ever. He had numerous breakdowns from age 10 - present.
For the past few years, he has been working a few days a week in our dental lab… he started off well but hates work and making life difficult for the people around him.
He does take medication for anxiety but in the past few months, he has decided he wants to stop it due to side effects such as weight gain and sleeping all day.
So… he is totally and utterly abusive. He screams us down constantly and plays the OCD card constantly to his advantage i.e. he fears soap therefore doesn’t wash up or go near the kitchen apart from a small bench where he sits… also he does not wash himself… does this with mentholated spirits and rubbing alcohol.
I am exhausted with fighting with him… I am trying to be very strict with him and consistent setting very strict boundaries… He has picked up a scalpel to cut himself. One arm has 15 cuts on it when he was asked to pick up paper. He also picked up a scalpel and cut his leg to get out of training at technical school for lab work.
This week he was so abusive at 5 in the morning because he was told he needed to go to work when he wanted to stay at home to download computer stuff.
We was screaming like an animal at us so we called the police. He was taken to the emergency department and then took off.
We do the take things away, we do the non-emotional stuff until he just is so abusive and we just lose the plot! We called the police in. He feels he has a great sense of entitlement. He works at our business but that now will stop. He however due to his ASD can get $790 per fortnight from the government (australia) and so sit around and play games, eat crap if I refuse to buy it and he refuses to eat what I cook. I have the ability to have this pension paid to me… he signed paper work a number of years ago for this. So how do we go from here?
We had him at our work because it made him have to get up out of bed and mix with people (he was severely depressed and anxious prior)
Now he is not useful and abusive at work.
So
Step 1 - Sack him from work
Step 2 - Continue to take internet privileges
Step 3 ???????
How do we deal the abuse that is going to happen? As I have explained he uses the OCD card which is real to him but manufactured to keep him in his childhood.
He laughs at us when we say he can leave….
He is really like a 12 year old!
We are totally exhausted and he is in total denial … sorry for this disjointed rambling but we are really at our wits end with him and seem to be getting nowhere fast!
ANSWER:
It's amazing how all the stories sound the same. You have the launching program I see. I get emails like this numerous times per week. The answer is always the same: You have to make living at home more uncomfortable than living elsewhere.
Having said that, I can tell that you are doing many of the tough love strategies that help... so good for you on that point.
The ultimate goal here is to get your son is a position where he is independent, happy and productive. But that's not going to happen as long as he can stay in his comfort zone. No significant change, no rebirth of sorts, happens in a comfort zone. Without significant discomfort, no lessons are learned, no emotional muscles are developed.
I think you're 80% of the way there, but you are still allowing him to lean on you to some degree. You do indeed need to push him -- even if that breaks him. As hard as this is to hear - he needs to be broken. Just as a broken arm that is healing out-of-alignment needs to be re-broken and reset, your son needs to fully experience the emotional pain that comes with not taking responsibility for his life. It sucks... it's painful for everyone involved including the parents. But what is the alternative? Answer: more of the same (e.g., abuse, refusing to be productive, etc.).
He will get stronger emotionally and otherwise if he is forced to deal with life on its terms - rather than his.
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Hi Mark,
My aspie boyfriend of nine years left me for another woman two months ago. He's 45 and she's 60. I was and still am devastated. I haven't heard from him since although he did give me enough money to live on for six months. We struggled in our relationship from the start. I came from an abusive childhood and so was triggered by his behavior. I became very mean and criticized him endlessly. I hate myself for that. I'm the one who figured out he had aspergers two years ago. He agreed but at that point I was so angry/resentful and he was so hurt. I became depressed and developed autoimmune disease. It was then that he left me and said the other woman accepts him as he is. I've attached a chart which pretty much sums up my experience.
I'm working on getting my health back now. I'm not sure if I will ever hear from him again. I'm not sure how to navigate this situation. Is it common for someone with aspergers to walk away from a nine year relationship and never call? Aside from the aspergers he is emotionally immature and I was his first long term relationship. I think he has some growing up to do. When he left me he said I could contact him any time but I told him I would not since he was leaving me. Regardless, I really feel like I need to understand asperger behavior. I am a very sensitive, kind, loyal, attractive, intelligent woman and it's shocking what I became in the relationship. I am going to order your ebook. Is there anything else I can do or read to understand all this? Any advice is appreciated.
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Hi Mark,
We have a 23 yr old son who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism. We have not been successful in helping him to launch. He refuses to get a job because he is 'working' on becoming an artist. He is living with us and does do some, but not many, household chores. He suffers from depression but refuses to take medication or do the things recommended (get more exercise, eat better, etc) to get better. We have worked with therapists and even a mediator to come up with contracts, etc. When he refused to cooperate, we took away his computer. He became suicidal. At one point we told him if he couldn't abide by our rules he had to leave. He left, in the middle of a snowstorm, dressed in skateboard shoes with no socks, shorts and a t shirt. He was gone all night and we had the police looking for him. Turns out, he walked to a church and was able to spend the night there. We took him back into our home, gave him back his computer, and we're back to square one!
I am curious about your coaching. I would imagine the person you coach would have to be fully committed to the process, right? That's a problem with our son...it's hard to get him to commit to anything. What do you recommend?
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Mark, my husband of twenty-eight years just found our he has Asperger's. This comes after our twenty year old middle daughter diagnosed herself, then strongly suspected her father. We are currently in counseling since there have been conflicts in our marriage and family due to his undiagnosed AS. Both will be documented asap.
My husband has felt out of control since his layoff from his electrical engineering company three months from his early retirement. We had to sell our nearly paid off house in order to buy a new one where we were moving, and had to eat our 401k.
He recently accepted a job back in our original town, but was told three weeks into his new job, the job would not last probably past fall of 2016. My poor husband feels so out of control, meltdowns are sometimes more frequent than I would like, and I feel more hurt than I would like to since they seem aimed at me or our sixteen year old daughter. There are many hard feelings with our youngest and how she feels about her father. That is another story. We have two other daughters, one Aspie, one married. She and her family have lived with us for the past three years since things are tight with them. Their desire is to move out as soon as possible.
My example is something that happened yesterday. My husband keeps 'emergency' money in his Bible. I was heading out with our middle daughter (also aspie) and instead of going to the the bank since our account is getting smaller until he is paid in a couple of days, I took $26.00 and made a note to in my phone to replace it when he got paid. I did tell him last night, and all hell broke lose. He basically accused me of being a thief and said he would have to put the money elsewhere 'since now he could not trust me.' After having such a great evening, and with 28 years under our belt, being told my love could not trust me, wounded me deeply. I cried most of the evening, and even some today. He apologized and I agreed to never do that again unless I informed him first. Rational grown-up talk I respect, but these meltdowns are very hard on myself or our kids, depending on who they are aimed at.
There are times I will ask our Asperger's daughter to see if I was in the wrong. I can rely on her to tell me the truth without bias. I don't want to involve her in everything though, since that would not be fair to her.
I know he doesn't mean things he says or how he says them when he is in meltdown mode. Nothing I can say calms him down, and I get caught up in arguing with him, which as you know, does not help at all. I wind up hurt, crying and depressed, and feeling alone. We do talk about it afterwards and he does apologize, but words and tone do hurt. He likes metaphors, so my metaphor to him is the metaphor of a woodcutter splitting wood with a wedge. Every time the wedge (me or others) is split by the woodcutter's ax (his outburst), there are splinters everywhere and the log is split, bit by bit. We did speak calmly later on, and I realized his needing to know everything is just part of who he is, though trying to be up front and honest got me no where. I tried to let him know the dangers of the meltdowns. I tried to explain to him that blowing up at someone just made them want to hide their actions or lie so there would not be a 'situation'.
What can I do to grow a thick skin, and defuse the situations before they cause more hurt and depression on my part? I have no intention of going anywhere since I've been here for 28 years. He is a great, generous, loving and affectionate guy when he's not in meltdown mode.
I love your book and youtube videos. Thank you for making yourself accessible to not only Aspie's but NT's also.
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Hi Mark,
I read through the ebook and listened to the audio. A lot of the material was familiar to me but I'm finally understanding how different communication must be in order for this type of relationship to be successful. I continue to work on my own communication deficits and my abandonment issues. I see now that I had unrealistic expectations of him and I need to take a different approach in getting my needs met. I understand now It's not that he didn't love me or care.
In the last year of our relationship my ex was actually reading a book on Aspergers. We had many discussions about the dynamics of our relationship and that things needed to change. Unfortunately, neither of us knew how to do that. We tried counseling together in the beginning of the relationship and he also went on his own trying three other therapists but that was before we know about the Aspergers. He did not want to go back and I understand. I continued to push him somewhat over the last few years to get help from a qualified person but I'm not sure pushing him was a good thing. Although I voiced that I had issues too and I was in counseling myself I think he felt in my eyes he was flawed. That he had a deficiency that must be fixed. After eight years of conflict, hurt and him feeling like he failed me we were both stuck and I see our relationship had to end as it was. I think now that it must be his choice to pursue the help he needs.
When he initially told me he had feelings for someone else I broke down and told him how so sorry I was for the way I treated him and that I really did still love him. I explained that I was reacting out of my own insecurity, pain and confusion. He cried and said he wanted to stay and work things out with me. He even wrote the woman an email that he showed me telling her that he loved me, that he had issues he needed help with and he wanted to work it out with me. She apologized (not very sincerely) saying she was sorry if she crossed the line and that he didn't need any counseling, that he was perfect the way he was. A couple days later he went on a preplanned business trip with her which I asked him not to go. He assured me that he was committed to me and that he had not had sex with her. When he came home from the trip I sensed that he had been intimate or something with her. I was a mess, untrusting, angry, scared, unsure etc... The next day he told me that it was guilt not love that he felt for me and he was leaving. He told me he wanted to leave two years prior. He said we never went anywhere because I was always sick, we had three cats to care for and he didn't want this life. He said that nothing was ever enough for me. He said she accepts him the way he is and she likes his sense of humor. She told him I was lucky to have him.
The few days before he left we talked kindly to each other about what went wrong and how sorry we both were. He told me he didn't blame me for treating him that way and that he understood. He said that when we met he didn't know what the hell he was doing and that his parents had not modeled any healthy relational skills. He told me that he was really unhappy, depressed, he couldn't take it anymore and had to leave. He said he didn't know what he wanted but he needed to grow up. He seemed somewhat conflicted and told me that I was the kindest most genuine person he knew. He said "You are just so much more advanced in relationships and emotions than me." I told him I have a lot to learn. He said "I hope you can forgive me someday and we can be friends." I could tell he was very upset also about leaving the cats which he is very attached to.
At this point as I said it's been two months and no contact. I feel that we both need time to heal and he will contact me if or when he is interested in starting again. Since he was my sole provider, I was ill and unable to work he gave me enough money to pay my bills for six months. He is also still paying for my cell phone bill and water delivery. He told me I could call him anytime if I needed anything or more money. I told him I wouldn't be calling him since he was the one not wanting to be in the relationship.
What is your opinion on the way I'm handling this?
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I have a 22 year old autistic son who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years. She was not on the spectrum but was ADD and LD. He met her while he was still in school. Needing to find a way to help him find a new girlfriend and not sure where to turn.
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I was diagnosed with hfa/aspergers at 5 am now 28 and I have no friends does anyone on here know where I can talk to people like me so I can try make friends? Thankyou
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I'm not quite sure where to start. But I feel alone. There are no support groups, neither have u met anyone else with aspergers like me, I feel alone in this and the inability to understand and connect with people or hold down a relationship longer than a year or so and the constant mood changes and confusion over simple things coupled with depression is making me feel suicidal, and I'm struggling to fight the impulse... I'm not looking for attention or sympathy, I just don't understand why, what is the point of me if I can't connect or get by in this world? I feel empty, the doctors just want to give me anti depressants .. I don't know what to do anymore
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Hey there I'm just wondering if you hear of many people with aspergers always getting wound up and just literally winding yourself up as I'm finding it hard recently always stressing myself out and starting to think it's not healthy as I'm not eating barely at all and was wondering if you knew of any things to try or take to help me feel a bit better? Hope to hear from you soon
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My son just graduated from high school and I happened to read something on aspergers. The symptoms read as my sons life over the last 18 years. I would like to have him tested but do not know where to start.
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Hello...I recently realized that I've been misdiagnosed my whole life and after reading look me in the eye I realized I relate more to that than anything about what all the doctors have said. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...but I don't want to just self diagnose...I've talked to others with it and another friend who's husband and son are autistic. They all said it sounds like a high functioning form of autism. She gave me the link to this page. If you have any tips for steps I should take to see if it could be right...please let me know.
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Hello, I am very new to this and looking for information. I have been dating a man who I believe has Aspergers. Through out the relationship I have had problems with getting him to understand my side of things. I am 52 and he is 61. He does things that I found very hurtful and thinks nothing of it. I have been very confused because he is not a mean or hurtful person. After the last episode someone said to me,"He sounds like he has social problems,like Aspergers." I have been researching since and I continue to see him in many of the things I am reading. The last episode,when I thought it was totally over and I couldn't take anymore,consisted of him taking his ex gf to a movie. He was helping her with her house,she lives out of town,they had extra time so he brought her to a movie. In the mean time he has been telling me,WE cannot go to movies,he doesn't like the movie house and he has no money,which I believe is true but I could pay,which he never allows. I was so hurt that he would bring her to a movie and not me. All my friends said he is a player,well I know he is not. I told him how hurt I was and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He had no response and thought there was nothing wrong with bringing another woman,let alone his ex,to a movie. After researching and reading,I asked if we could talk. He said "Sure,no issues on this end" which basically shows me he has no clue that it is not right to date another woman when you are with one. I have said how would you like it if I went out with an ex,he said I am fine with that. He now is planning on going to a mid western state to visit the son of this woman and bringing her along. He helped raise this young man. I am hurt that he would take her for a weeks long trip and we have never been anywhere alone. I know I am happier with him than without him but how do I manage this? He is the same way with his ex wife,very involved. This woman is an ex gf of many years.
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I am wondering what a good source would be for testing to see if I do have a form of High-Functioning Autism. Are any of these symptoms possibly autistic related? My father read an article and thought it stuck out as similar to me socially. I have learning and emotional disabilities but autism has never been diagnosed. 1. I get obsessed on stuff but often on things that are not abnormal OCD obsessions but rather topics I stay on long after the conversation is over or relationships where I like the person but become obsessed with them to the point of being stalkish. As a result extended family members are my main social network. I do have OCD but some obsessions don't seem like classic OCD but rather positive habits I do too much (like go overboard with religious activity or Christmas traditions with family). 2. I am brilliant in some areas (can tell you details of today in history for many dates that no one would remember) and very slow in other areas (vocabulary especially). 3. I have no romantic desires (not sure if that is an autistic trait or not) 4. I often have social relationships in my imagination then in real life. Not so much imaginary friends as more imaginary socializing with real people. I do add in imaginary acquaintances also. 5. I was very social as a kid with the adults (my parents cousins, friends, etc.. all thought I was so nice.) Yet I seldom socialized with people my age. To this day I am uncomfortable making friends but the first to offer to help out with elderly people or to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc..... 6. I have an obsessive memory. For example if you ask me today what happened today in history I can give a long speech of several occasions in my personal life on this date that no one else would have any memory of. Yet as a result I have PTSD from bad memories that others would be able to let go of. 7. I am very ADHD yet I can get super focused on some things like family trees or historic events in the 20th century and their causes. So just curious if these symptoms stick out as autistic or if they are likely related to other things. I acted so similar in school to a student with Asperger's that I have long wondered this and my father brought it up today after I was talking about relationship anxiety I have.
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Hello I am a partner to a mildly Asperger high functioning man. He's amazing and I am going to make a film to take to Sundance. I need to reach out to the foundations that support Aspies.... Do you have any list and contacts of foundations that are about Aspergers?
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After conducting a recent google search about ADULT Aspergers and having attended a hospital appointment for diagnosis maybe ten years ago and being dismissed out of hand due to childhood abuse issues, I want a proper test and diagnosis from another GP There were no strategic questions asked like in the Aspergers tests and all we did was talk about my childhood. I still have the report. I let it go and assumed he was right but the older I get the worst I am becoming and a 52 week therapy ending caused increased suicidal thoughts and plans plus other traits are making me want to go and fight my corner. I did a test last night and I am conclusively a high functioning Aspie. I have a different GP now so I am trying to be brave enough to approach him to ask for another referral because I am 100% sure I have it and what has given me hope is that I now see that people over the age of 40 are now being successfully diagnosed. I live in London UK. Can you connect me with the right communities here in London or the UK so that I can get the best support possible. Thank You
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Hi Mark,
That's great thank you. My partner is undiagnosed but after lots or research and listening to your seminar number 1.....we are both 100% convinced he has ASD. We are at that point where im trying my hardest to explain where things are not working and the more I go on the more he shuts off. Ive read a lot that says if I explain how I feel in writing as that's less confrontational it may help so I did that. Sometimes I get a lengthy reply and sometimes I get nothing...followed by a grand gesture. Flowers sent to my work or a meal out. He has had 4 relationships prior to us which they have all ended with them leaving him as he never said he loves them, come across as rude and arrogant. He is so rude when you say things that just arnt logical to him. I knew he wasn't right almost straight away. It wasn't until my gran said he didn't look her in the eye that she said do I think he is on the spectrum.
He has taught himself good social skills now and the improvement in him since we got together over any past relationship is amazing. I think I ring out a more confident side to him that even he has not seen before. Our only problem is I have needs, im a leo I need compliments and love and in his own words...hes just not wired that way. My best compliment to date is "im growing more fond of you with the distinct lack of moaning"....oh I did laugh. He laughs at himself too which is good. I hate that he feels I moan at everything as like in your seminar I am only trying to do what I think is helping our relationship.
On a personal level there has never been any sexual issue until lately. There was emotion and passion and kissing and he has got more emotionless of late so I have tried to discuss this and now he has back right off. We talk a lot and he admitted that he thought now he wasn't good enough so just stopped altogether unless I start it.
Its a constant battle, we are perfect for weeks then he zones out a bit, I get more needy and moan and he backs off more then we get to a crucial point. We discuss it, I cry he sits in silence then I get flowers or a meal then we are good again and he makes more effort for another few weeks. We are in love and I will not give up on him but we really need to be able to work on lessening the tension and working out a way to live where we can both be happy more of the time.
I really feel that a diagnosis will make this easier as all the time i'm convinced but not 100% confirmed there is always that doubt in my mind.
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Hi, Mark, God bless you again and again.
I lie awake at night praying for God to protect him. I am not sending any more rent and, of course, all of his problems are "my fault". I still send him grocery money, auto and health insurance. I plan to wean him off of that.
I see homeless people out on the streets. Now, my son is homeless, but by his choice. Several people have offered their homes him, but he says he would rather to stay in NY so he can be near his doctors. He can not get it into his head that medical records can be transferred.
He would rather engage me in an text-battle over controversial questions of faith. I try not to get to wrapped up, because I think he is trying to divert my attention away from the fact that he is stuck in a rut.
He blames everything on me, and never concedes that I spent $$,$$$.00 on college, room and board over 10 years. That hurts me so bad. I wearily took on a second job to send him to this top-ranked college.
Over-nurturing is the worst!! It backfires like a swollen can filled with botulism. I am so emotionally drained. I feel like I am constantly on emergency high-alert. I have forgotten how to take care of myself.
His very wise and nurturing older sister lives only 10 hours away in Tennessee. She has opened her home to him temporarily, only if he is back on his Prozac. Today is the last food assistance that I will send to NY, and the next payment, if he wants it, will have to be picked up in Tennessee, where she lives.
Thank you for feedback. Your area of expertise is so highly focused on this very special, special-needs population and their bewildered families who love them.
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Thank you, Mark, because your replies reinforce me with strength to do what I need to do.
Can you please send me the PDF files so I print and read them wherever I am?
I want to focus on that fantastic piece about re-framing. I don't want to argue with an unreasonable person anymore. I can use this skill to try to hear the heart of what he is feeling, and try not to have a knee-jerk reaction to his incendiary words. He said that he never wants to talk to me again as long as he lives, but just in case he changes his mind, I would like to be detached enough to respond correctly.
Nevertheless, I think re-framing is a good skill to utilize even with the general population!
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Hi Mark,
I really can't see how we are going to get past this point. I asked tonight why he has backed off and not wanted to touch me and he said he doesn't know. Then flared up saying he feels worthless and that he's not good enough anymore. Silly points he said like he can't even empty a bin properly, as I said to him I shouldn't have to ask him every time as its practically the only job he does in the house. The more I try to mend it the more he is shutting down and he said what the point of him bothering. Where do I go now? I've text him how it makes me feel, told him how great he is trying to boost him back up? If we can't even make love now....with now other form of closeness other than cuddles there is really no point.
Can you advise on how I can move this on?
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Hi Mark
I have two sons one 17 and the other 14 1/2. We ordered the materials to address the younger who just started his freshman year in high school. No he's not diagnosed with anything.
He is struggling with "being controlled". He thinks he should be able to make the decisions that affect him. He desires immediate gratification and struggles with self control. He also looks at issues from the perspective of what is"fair". We have used love and logic techniques but find he is challenging our family rules and constantly pushing to have things his way.
I also think he might be struggling with sibling competitiveness. My older son is very successful academically and involved in school sports and activities. I get the vibe he thinks he's being compared or we want him to be like his brother. We are mindful not to compare the two and have not verbalized this but nonetheless he will occasionally say "I'm not Dillon" when we encourage him to join a school sport and get more involved in school activities.
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Hello. My husband and I have just completed all of the videos and information for Session# 1. Our question is: our son will be starting back to school next week after the long summer break, and we're wondering if you recommend starting this program now, since session# 2 would start at the same time he starts school. Or, should we give him 1-2 weeks to settle into the school routine first, and then start the program? We just want to do this right, and we are hoping it works for our family. Thank you for your time.
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Hi Mark
Thanks for your website and the Living with an Aspergers Partner resources, which I’ve found very interesting.
I was prompted to seek out information about the relating strategies of men with Aspergers because I’ve been seeing a charming and delightful man for about seven months now, and I’ve noticed some patterns of behaviour which are unusual and distressing, not only when they occur but in their implications for the prospects of a functioning longterm relationship.
My boyfriend is 49 years old and has never been married. He is a computer programmer with a number of obsessive side interests which are very much a part of his daily life. He also has a history of falling out with friends and family, stretching back to childhood.
He is a highly intelligent, funny and kind human being and I genuinely believe he has no malice in him whatsoever.
However, he seems incapable of dealing with any kind of emotional setbacks, disappointment or conflict. In a situation where there is stress or a disagreement, however minor, he prefers to walk away rather than do what is necessary to lower the temperature of the situation, accept that the fact of matters being sub-optimal is not an absolute reflection on him or an implication of failure, merely part of the process of getting to know something of the sensitivities of others and trying to come together to a point of greater understanding.
I worry very much that if he cannot accept the possibility that adversity happens and has to be processed as part of any longterm relationship, he will be unable to confront the greater challenges that life throws any couple.
What I’m saying is that he is not lacking in affection or attentiveness when things are going well - the material you provide addresses this quite thoroughly - but I’m still at a loss to know how best to manage a situation where, for example, I am upset (as we all can legitimately be at times), and instead of meeting with compassion and affection, I find myself either shouted at or shut out. That at the moment of my vulnerability, instead of providing some kind words or support, he becomes another source of worry, rather than comfort.
Does this sound like a familiar form of response to you? If so, I would be very grateful to receive any insight and advice you may have on this.
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Thanks for this, Mark. The pattern is very straightforward: as long as we are happy and all is going smoothly, he is fine. But the instant some cloud comes into the picture, the most minor tiff or setback, and with it the notion that he has somehow “failed” or “disappointed” me, or that the relationship itself does not conform to some controlled ideal of what love should look like, the world seems to fall out of joint, and he can’t face it. So either (in the majority of cases) he walks out, or he loses his temper and starts shouting. I’m pretty sure he walks out, because he knows he won’t be able to control his temper.
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I have just listened to you program and now am more able to be more specific!!! Seriously I have seen 5 psychiatrists, behavioural peds, many psychologists and now 2 specialist psychologists in OCD and Mark, your program is the only one that is practical! I have been to the “best” specialists in my state and no real progress has been made. In fact the last person told me this was as good as it was going to get and to just get use to being his carer!!!!!
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Dear Mark
Thank you for your email. I am running a small parent support group in
Grahamstown, South Africa and have encouraged the parents to sign up for
your newsletter too. It comes highly recommended. Keep up the great work!
Kind regards,
Amanda Edwards
Speech, Language & Hearing Therapist
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Dear Mark,
I am a pediatrician in Manassas Virginia and have a daughter with ADHD and ODD. I was shown one of your ads by my office administrator who told me that your emails are wonderful and insightful. Hope to learn a lot from you. Thank you so much. David Katz M.D.
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I have a 16 year old teen that asked to move a month ago but now he is refusing to go. He has called me horrible names and said if I make he go he will raise hell with me everyday. He is already in the system. We have to move. I already have us a place. It's in another state. He thinks he can go to the judge in sue me for the rights of him. I need to know if I go to speak the the courts or is there something else I can do?
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Our very bright aspie daughter pretty much has a stranglehold on our family. She is like Jekyll and Hyde, so sometimes she will happily comply, and other times, she is completely defiant. I believe most of her defiance is due to her electronics addiction. Any attempts to set limits or give consequences involving her computer or Nintendo DS (no matter how calm we are) results in her raging, self-harm, aggression, destruction of property, and attempts to kill herself. Tonight after I turned off our internet (with a 5-minute warning and clearly stating the consequence) because she made the choice not to stop playing on her computer to take a bath, she went berserk. First came the attempts to break things (our picture of her on the wall), then trying to hit my husband (he had to restrain her), then she was crying hysterically and went inside our furnace room where we keep our vacuum, and she was trying to choke herself with our vacuum cleaner tube. We have dealt with this type of behavior and worse over the past 2+ years. She does the same types of things if we try to send her to school, plus her defiance level goes through the roof, so I am home schooling her. This type of behavior seems to be more of a panic response from her. She can't handle the thought of anyone "controlling" her. If you've ever heard of "Pathological Demand Avoidance," a subset of autism they've identified in the UK, she fits this description very well. (http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/introduction/what-is-pathological-demand-avoidance.aspx) Any advice would be much appreciated. She has been diagnosed with depression in addition to the Asperger's.
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Hello. My name is Tanya and my husband, Michael, and I have a 13 year old son who has Asperger's, SPD and I'm suspicious of ODD.
He wasn't diagnosed until he was 9.
Its really odd that even at the early age of 2 he was non tolerant of negativity of any kind. If someone on TV raised their voice he'd say "Change it!" and sometimes strike the TV. Yet we've noticed in him a bad temper. He doesn't like loud noises but as a small child he could curdle milk ... while it was still in the cow!
His biggest problem is approaching us and waiting for his turn to talk. If we ask him to wait or interrupt him he flies off. Sometimes he can go for a sit and reel himself in but then there are times that he's just too far gone and he's angry at the situation, he's angry at himself for not coping with it well and then he has a parent, or grandparent, who is after him to "come back here" (because he's walking off and mouthing off too).
It snowballs VERY quickly and results in angry adults. I try to 'act' not 'react' to him. Not everyone shares that idea, unfortunately.
Recently he was to spend the night at his grandparents' house. They only live 5 acres away and have been a part of his life since birth. I'd love to say that they are on the same page as we are but... that just isn't so.
My son tried to say something to his "Nonnie". Being loud and having a low voice, thanks to puberty he was talking over the TV that my Dad was trying to watch causing my dad to say "Shh. I'm trying to hear this."
BOOM! Our son slammed his hand on the counter in anger and then tried to walk off. My dad nabbed him by his arm to "get in his nickers" about it and he pulled away and it all went to hell from there. He started to walk home and repeatedly ignored my Mom's requests to "come back" and made matters worse by swearing at her to "leave him the *f* alone" and the like.
I just don't know if your book can help. Do you think it can? Like I said, he's 13, Aspie, SPD, he's immature, (like around a 9 year old). He plays so well with little children. He's patient even! Not so much with older kids or kids his own age. He's homeschooled. I won't lie, he's somewhat protected... okay... A LOT protected by me. I do choose who he spends his time with. He has learned the hard way about "friendships" and the sincerity, or lack thereof, of others. I didn't intervene but had to make him realize that he didn't need to sell himself for someone to play with. Then we had a long talk about quality vs quantity. ;)
He's not typical aspie. He's outgoing, can look you in the eye. He doesn't respect personal space and desires to hug and be close. It can be 'all about him' and therefore hard to interact with multiple children.
He doesn't destroy things and doesn't hurt our animals. And we have plenty of animals.
He has a conscience. One that digs at him for days. He has a big loving heart and has been that way for as long as I can remember. Even at the age of 2 he understood if my husband or I was sick and would make sure there was water to drink by us and we'd often awaken to little toys that he'd left for us on the bed.
He is definitely HF. It's the anger thing that worries me most. Combined with his conscience it can be scary. We are a Christian family and, though far from perfect, we do have a lot of positive influence in our home. Now, he does come by some of that temper honestly. (raises hand slowly) Yup, yours truly. I've not been the ideal model for self control. However, I can see where there are things with him that aren't typical triggers or stressors to others.
Anyway, I wanted to give you a little insight, not a flippin book! LOL (sorry 'bout that) I know there are answers, techniques and therapies. I want to do what I can for him. He did OT for a couple of years about once a week. The anger thing has been dealt with to some degree but the cognitive grasp doesn't seem to be enough! I even have been buying the "model me" videos. And while he finds them "corny" he thinks on them and has even said to me, "You know... as corny as it is that video made a point." (score one for mom!!!)
Any advice you have to offer will be appreciated and if you see our son in you writings then by all means TELL ME! and I'll buy it. But I want to take an active, hands on approach with him. There has to be exercises we can do to really write this on his brain and heart.
If you've gotten this far.... bless you! And thanks for your time. Time is precious and so very limited.
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God bless you, Mark. I sublet the apartment right out from under him. He tried every trick in the book to try to stay. I told him that if he could pay for it, he could have it, but since he has not been working, he was not able to come up with the money. I worry that he may be homeless. He packed up his Subaru with his stuff, and said for me not to worry about him anymore, that he would find a place to stay. I am still going to send money to his bank for groceries , health and car insurance for a limited time, until he gets a job.
I (enabled) helped him fix his car (700.00) so he could come home. He is in Rochester, NY, and I am in El Paso, TX. Several people offered him a place to stay. He said he would come home. Then, he changed his mind and chose to stay there, and look for work. He is a highly trained computer scientist, although he got suspended from college with 2 classes to go for having a low GPA.
So, I don't know where he is, or what he is doing. His neurologist used to say that he was her most goal-oriented Asperger's patient she had. I hope he shines.
So, I sit here thinking about the prodigal son, and how hard it must have been on the father!
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I'm wondering why my HFA son struggles with being stubborn and often holds a grudge. Why is it kids on the spectrum often can't let go, when someone has "wronged" them? My teenage son gets so angry and frustrated whenever things aren't 'perfect' or don't go his way. Right now, he won't speak to his father, and it's been three weeks. His father tried to apologize, for throwing out a toy, without telling my son, and his dad has HFA, so he has difficulty with this sort of communication. Is there anything a parent can do to help?
Thanks
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Dear Mark,
I have been with my boyfriend, Charles, for seven and a half years. he is 64, I am 50, I have a son who is eleven. We have been living together for three years. Shortly after beginning to live together (or maybe shortly before) we learned about Aspberger's. For me, the Aspberger framework fit the way Charles acted very well. He got a book about it and related and I thought it would give us a framework from within which to change our relationship. However, he rapidly decided he did not have Aspberger's and that my criticisms of and demands on him were his problem. I felt I had nowhere to stand and did my best with other strategies, trying to pretend that wasn't the problem, but none of it has worked. I feel alone and misunderstood. I have done quite a bit of therapy and also have a lot of experience of recovery in the 12 step program Co-dependents Anonymous. My son's father is a recovering addict in NA with twenty years clean. I never felt as alone with him, even in the two years we were togetehr when he still used, as I do with Charles, despite the fact that many aspects of my relationship with Charles are more fulfilling.
Today was the last straw, we had a big fight where I once again felt misunderstood (and I guess he did as well), and my son became afraid. After two years of pretending it isn't the problem, I found myself typing into Google "What if you're in love with someone who has Aspberger's and won't admit it" and after reading an amazing article about couples, and a few other articles, I found your book.
I am going to order it tomorrow (right now I'm on a computer that won't work for the download). I also had been thinking I would ask a friend for a contact of a therapist who does work with Aspberger/addictions and whose native language is English (we live in Spain but I am American and Charles is English), when I saw that you do online skype sessions. Your price is reasonable and from your bio you look like a really nice guy:). Are you open to doing a couple's session if Charles is open to it?
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I am trying to find a group either online or in my central VA area for support and sharing. My daughter is 28 and recently been diagnosed, though I have suspected this for years. She lives on the other side of the country, and I think I may have "lost" her communication-wise, which for symptomatic reasons is more difficult for me than her. Thanks.
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Dear Mark,
What a blessing to find your site! I am a pastor's wife in Danville, IL, and I have suspected for some years now that my husband may have a mild form of ASD, as he seems to exhibit only about half of the symptoms. Certainly we have experienced relational issues similar to those experienced by AS/non-AS couples. However, as he has worked in the psychological services field as a Theraputic Support Specialist with children on the autistic spectrum, he believes his issues are not related to AS and that I am being rather obsessive in a quest to find something wrong with him. We did see a Christian counselor in Minneapolis who is familiar
with ASD (Mary Einarson, Spectrum Counseling); in person for testing and a few times via Skype, but he felt I had unfairly biased her in my previous contacts with her, so he didn't find the counseling helpful, and we discontinued. (Finances had something to do with it, too.)
I am aware that I have my own issues that challenge our relationship. These days the Lord is giving me grace to grow in acceptance of him and to do the things that, on my side, will contribute to nurturing our relationship. I am very thankful for that. And I am open to the possibility that I may be wrong about ASD. (He is aware of the need for bonding in our relationship and desires interaction with me, which often I don't give him anymore because of frustration and feeling overwhelmed with the talking, and also because of my own bonding issues. Perhaps if he had ASD he wouldn't desire this?) It just would be nice to talk to a counselor with understanding of ASD who, while helping me examine some of my issues, could help us identify whether ASD might be a factor in our relationship. And I would like for him to have a fair chance to explain things from his point of view. (Again, I see only about half of the symptoms. The others don't apply to him.)
Can you tell me a little about your rates - either for in person counseling or for Skype sessions? Our son is starting college at Taylor University in Upland later this month (I believe the 28th), so we would be in the area briefly. We serve a struggling congregation, so at this point our income is limited. Do you happen to offer a sliding-scale rate?
Thank you so much for your time. God bless you, Chris
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QUESTION:
Hi Mark
I have a 22 year old son with ASD and severe anxiety that has developed into serious OCD. He is quite adamant he doesn’t want to grow up.
Although 22 he has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen, He doesn’t have any friends, very low self esteem and intellectually has not developed due to the fact of constant anxiety.
I did get him through high school however it was through homeschooling and he had no interest what so ever. He had numerous breakdowns from age 10 - present.
For the past few years, he has been working a few days a week in our dental lab… he started off well but hates work and making life difficult for the people around him.
He does take medication for anxiety but in the past few months, he has decided he wants to stop it due to side effects such as weight gain and sleeping all day.
So… he is totally and utterly abusive. He screams us down constantly and plays the OCD card constantly to his advantage i.e. he fears soap therefore doesn’t wash up or go near the kitchen apart from a small bench where he sits… also he does not wash himself… does this with mentholated spirits and rubbing alcohol.
I am exhausted with fighting with him… I am trying to be very strict with him and consistent setting very strict boundaries… He has picked up a scalpel to cut himself. One arm has 15 cuts on it when he was asked to pick up paper. He also picked up a scalpel and cut his leg to get out of training at technical school for lab work.
This week he was so abusive at 5 in the morning because he was told he needed to go to work when he wanted to stay at home to download computer stuff.
We was screaming like an animal at us so we called the police. He was taken to the emergency department and then took off.
We do the take things away, we do the non-emotional stuff until he just is so abusive and we just lose the plot! We called the police in. He feels he has a great sense of entitlement. He works at our business but that now will stop. He however due to his ASD can get $790 per fortnight from the government (australia) and so sit around and play games, eat crap if I refuse to buy it and he refuses to eat what I cook. I have the ability to have this pension paid to me… he signed paper work a number of years ago for this. So how do we go from here?
We had him at our work because it made him have to get up out of bed and mix with people (he was severely depressed and anxious prior)
Now he is not useful and abusive at work.
So
Step 1 - Sack him from work
Step 2 - Continue to take internet privileges
Step 3 ???????
How do we deal the abuse that is going to happen? As I have explained he uses the OCD card which is real to him but manufactured to keep him in his childhood.
He laughs at us when we say he can leave….
He is really like a 12 year old!
We are totally exhausted and he is in total denial … sorry for this disjointed rambling but we are really at our wits end with him and seem to be getting nowhere fast!
ANSWER:
It's amazing how all the stories sound the same. You have the launching program I see. I get emails like this numerous times per week. The answer is always the same: You have to make living at home more uncomfortable than living elsewhere.
Having said that, I can tell that you are doing many of the tough love strategies that help... so good for you on that point.
The ultimate goal here is to get your son is a position where he is independent, happy and productive. But that's not going to happen as long as he can stay in his comfort zone. No significant change, no rebirth of sorts, happens in a comfort zone. Without significant discomfort, no lessons are learned, no emotional muscles are developed.
I think you're 80% of the way there, but you are still allowing him to lean on you to some degree. You do indeed need to push him -- even if that breaks him. As hard as this is to hear - he needs to be broken. Just as a broken arm that is healing out-of-alignment needs to be re-broken and reset, your son needs to fully experience the emotional pain that comes with not taking responsibility for his life. It sucks... it's painful for everyone involved including the parents. But what is the alternative? Answer: more of the same (e.g., abuse, refusing to be productive, etc.).
He will get stronger emotionally and otherwise if he is forced to deal with life on its terms - rather than his.
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Hi Mark,
My aspie boyfriend of nine years left me for another woman two months ago. He's 45 and she's 60. I was and still am devastated. I haven't heard from him since although he did give me enough money to live on for six months. We struggled in our relationship from the start. I came from an abusive childhood and so was triggered by his behavior. I became very mean and criticized him endlessly. I hate myself for that. I'm the one who figured out he had aspergers two years ago. He agreed but at that point I was so angry/resentful and he was so hurt. I became depressed and developed autoimmune disease. It was then that he left me and said the other woman accepts him as he is. I've attached a chart which pretty much sums up my experience.
I'm working on getting my health back now. I'm not sure if I will ever hear from him again. I'm not sure how to navigate this situation. Is it common for someone with aspergers to walk away from a nine year relationship and never call? Aside from the aspergers he is emotionally immature and I was his first long term relationship. I think he has some growing up to do. When he left me he said I could contact him any time but I told him I would not since he was leaving me. Regardless, I really feel like I need to understand asperger behavior. I am a very sensitive, kind, loyal, attractive, intelligent woman and it's shocking what I became in the relationship. I am going to order your ebook. Is there anything else I can do or read to understand all this? Any advice is appreciated.
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Hi Mark,
We have a 23 yr old son who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism. We have not been successful in helping him to launch. He refuses to get a job because he is 'working' on becoming an artist. He is living with us and does do some, but not many, household chores. He suffers from depression but refuses to take medication or do the things recommended (get more exercise, eat better, etc) to get better. We have worked with therapists and even a mediator to come up with contracts, etc. When he refused to cooperate, we took away his computer. He became suicidal. At one point we told him if he couldn't abide by our rules he had to leave. He left, in the middle of a snowstorm, dressed in skateboard shoes with no socks, shorts and a t shirt. He was gone all night and we had the police looking for him. Turns out, he walked to a church and was able to spend the night there. We took him back into our home, gave him back his computer, and we're back to square one!
I am curious about your coaching. I would imagine the person you coach would have to be fully committed to the process, right? That's a problem with our son...it's hard to get him to commit to anything. What do you recommend?
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Mark, my husband of twenty-eight years just found our he has Asperger's. This comes after our twenty year old middle daughter diagnosed herself, then strongly suspected her father. We are currently in counseling since there have been conflicts in our marriage and family due to his undiagnosed AS. Both will be documented asap.
My husband has felt out of control since his layoff from his electrical engineering company three months from his early retirement. We had to sell our nearly paid off house in order to buy a new one where we were moving, and had to eat our 401k.
He recently accepted a job back in our original town, but was told three weeks into his new job, the job would not last probably past fall of 2016. My poor husband feels so out of control, meltdowns are sometimes more frequent than I would like, and I feel more hurt than I would like to since they seem aimed at me or our sixteen year old daughter. There are many hard feelings with our youngest and how she feels about her father. That is another story. We have two other daughters, one Aspie, one married. She and her family have lived with us for the past three years since things are tight with them. Their desire is to move out as soon as possible.
My example is something that happened yesterday. My husband keeps 'emergency' money in his Bible. I was heading out with our middle daughter (also aspie) and instead of going to the the bank since our account is getting smaller until he is paid in a couple of days, I took $26.00 and made a note to in my phone to replace it when he got paid. I did tell him last night, and all hell broke lose. He basically accused me of being a thief and said he would have to put the money elsewhere 'since now he could not trust me.' After having such a great evening, and with 28 years under our belt, being told my love could not trust me, wounded me deeply. I cried most of the evening, and even some today. He apologized and I agreed to never do that again unless I informed him first. Rational grown-up talk I respect, but these meltdowns are very hard on myself or our kids, depending on who they are aimed at.
There are times I will ask our Asperger's daughter to see if I was in the wrong. I can rely on her to tell me the truth without bias. I don't want to involve her in everything though, since that would not be fair to her.
I know he doesn't mean things he says or how he says them when he is in meltdown mode. Nothing I can say calms him down, and I get caught up in arguing with him, which as you know, does not help at all. I wind up hurt, crying and depressed, and feeling alone. We do talk about it afterwards and he does apologize, but words and tone do hurt. He likes metaphors, so my metaphor to him is the metaphor of a woodcutter splitting wood with a wedge. Every time the wedge (me or others) is split by the woodcutter's ax (his outburst), there are splinters everywhere and the log is split, bit by bit. We did speak calmly later on, and I realized his needing to know everything is just part of who he is, though trying to be up front and honest got me no where. I tried to let him know the dangers of the meltdowns. I tried to explain to him that blowing up at someone just made them want to hide their actions or lie so there would not be a 'situation'.
What can I do to grow a thick skin, and defuse the situations before they cause more hurt and depression on my part? I have no intention of going anywhere since I've been here for 28 years. He is a great, generous, loving and affectionate guy when he's not in meltdown mode.
I love your book and youtube videos. Thank you for making yourself accessible to not only Aspie's but NT's also.
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Hi Mark,
I read through the ebook and listened to the audio. A lot of the material was familiar to me but I'm finally understanding how different communication must be in order for this type of relationship to be successful. I continue to work on my own communication deficits and my abandonment issues. I see now that I had unrealistic expectations of him and I need to take a different approach in getting my needs met. I understand now It's not that he didn't love me or care.
In the last year of our relationship my ex was actually reading a book on Aspergers. We had many discussions about the dynamics of our relationship and that things needed to change. Unfortunately, neither of us knew how to do that. We tried counseling together in the beginning of the relationship and he also went on his own trying three other therapists but that was before we know about the Aspergers. He did not want to go back and I understand. I continued to push him somewhat over the last few years to get help from a qualified person but I'm not sure pushing him was a good thing. Although I voiced that I had issues too and I was in counseling myself I think he felt in my eyes he was flawed. That he had a deficiency that must be fixed. After eight years of conflict, hurt and him feeling like he failed me we were both stuck and I see our relationship had to end as it was. I think now that it must be his choice to pursue the help he needs.
When he initially told me he had feelings for someone else I broke down and told him how so sorry I was for the way I treated him and that I really did still love him. I explained that I was reacting out of my own insecurity, pain and confusion. He cried and said he wanted to stay and work things out with me. He even wrote the woman an email that he showed me telling her that he loved me, that he had issues he needed help with and he wanted to work it out with me. She apologized (not very sincerely) saying she was sorry if she crossed the line and that he didn't need any counseling, that he was perfect the way he was. A couple days later he went on a preplanned business trip with her which I asked him not to go. He assured me that he was committed to me and that he had not had sex with her. When he came home from the trip I sensed that he had been intimate or something with her. I was a mess, untrusting, angry, scared, unsure etc... The next day he told me that it was guilt not love that he felt for me and he was leaving. He told me he wanted to leave two years prior. He said we never went anywhere because I was always sick, we had three cats to care for and he didn't want this life. He said that nothing was ever enough for me. He said she accepts him the way he is and she likes his sense of humor. She told him I was lucky to have him.
The few days before he left we talked kindly to each other about what went wrong and how sorry we both were. He told me he didn't blame me for treating him that way and that he understood. He said that when we met he didn't know what the hell he was doing and that his parents had not modeled any healthy relational skills. He told me that he was really unhappy, depressed, he couldn't take it anymore and had to leave. He said he didn't know what he wanted but he needed to grow up. He seemed somewhat conflicted and told me that I was the kindest most genuine person he knew. He said "You are just so much more advanced in relationships and emotions than me." I told him I have a lot to learn. He said "I hope you can forgive me someday and we can be friends." I could tell he was very upset also about leaving the cats which he is very attached to.
At this point as I said it's been two months and no contact. I feel that we both need time to heal and he will contact me if or when he is interested in starting again. Since he was my sole provider, I was ill and unable to work he gave me enough money to pay my bills for six months. He is also still paying for my cell phone bill and water delivery. He told me I could call him anytime if I needed anything or more money. I told him I wouldn't be calling him since he was the one not wanting to be in the relationship.
What is your opinion on the way I'm handling this?
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I have a 22 year old autistic son who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years. She was not on the spectrum but was ADD and LD. He met her while he was still in school. Needing to find a way to help him find a new girlfriend and not sure where to turn.
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I was diagnosed with hfa/aspergers at 5 am now 28 and I have no friends does anyone on here know where I can talk to people like me so I can try make friends? Thankyou
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I'm not quite sure where to start. But I feel alone. There are no support groups, neither have u met anyone else with aspergers like me, I feel alone in this and the inability to understand and connect with people or hold down a relationship longer than a year or so and the constant mood changes and confusion over simple things coupled with depression is making me feel suicidal, and I'm struggling to fight the impulse... I'm not looking for attention or sympathy, I just don't understand why, what is the point of me if I can't connect or get by in this world? I feel empty, the doctors just want to give me anti depressants .. I don't know what to do anymore
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Hey there I'm just wondering if you hear of many people with aspergers always getting wound up and just literally winding yourself up as I'm finding it hard recently always stressing myself out and starting to think it's not healthy as I'm not eating barely at all and was wondering if you knew of any things to try or take to help me feel a bit better? Hope to hear from you soon
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My son just graduated from high school and I happened to read something on aspergers. The symptoms read as my sons life over the last 18 years. I would like to have him tested but do not know where to start.
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Hello...I recently realized that I've been misdiagnosed my whole life and after reading look me in the eye I realized I relate more to that than anything about what all the doctors have said. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...but I don't want to just self diagnose...I've talked to others with it and another friend who's husband and son are autistic. They all said it sounds like a high functioning form of autism. She gave me the link to this page. If you have any tips for steps I should take to see if it could be right...please let me know.
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Hello, I am very new to this and looking for information. I have been dating a man who I believe has Aspergers. Through out the relationship I have had problems with getting him to understand my side of things. I am 52 and he is 61. He does things that I found very hurtful and thinks nothing of it. I have been very confused because he is not a mean or hurtful person. After the last episode someone said to me,"He sounds like he has social problems,like Aspergers." I have been researching since and I continue to see him in many of the things I am reading. The last episode,when I thought it was totally over and I couldn't take anymore,consisted of him taking his ex gf to a movie. He was helping her with her house,she lives out of town,they had extra time so he brought her to a movie. In the mean time he has been telling me,WE cannot go to movies,he doesn't like the movie house and he has no money,which I believe is true but I could pay,which he never allows. I was so hurt that he would bring her to a movie and not me. All my friends said he is a player,well I know he is not. I told him how hurt I was and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He had no response and thought there was nothing wrong with bringing another woman,let alone his ex,to a movie. After researching and reading,I asked if we could talk. He said "Sure,no issues on this end" which basically shows me he has no clue that it is not right to date another woman when you are with one. I have said how would you like it if I went out with an ex,he said I am fine with that. He now is planning on going to a mid western state to visit the son of this woman and bringing her along. He helped raise this young man. I am hurt that he would take her for a weeks long trip and we have never been anywhere alone. I know I am happier with him than without him but how do I manage this? He is the same way with his ex wife,very involved. This woman is an ex gf of many years.
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I am wondering what a good source would be for testing to see if I do have a form of High-Functioning Autism. Are any of these symptoms possibly autistic related? My father read an article and thought it stuck out as similar to me socially. I have learning and emotional disabilities but autism has never been diagnosed. 1. I get obsessed on stuff but often on things that are not abnormal OCD obsessions but rather topics I stay on long after the conversation is over or relationships where I like the person but become obsessed with them to the point of being stalkish. As a result extended family members are my main social network. I do have OCD but some obsessions don't seem like classic OCD but rather positive habits I do too much (like go overboard with religious activity or Christmas traditions with family). 2. I am brilliant in some areas (can tell you details of today in history for many dates that no one would remember) and very slow in other areas (vocabulary especially). 3. I have no romantic desires (not sure if that is an autistic trait or not) 4. I often have social relationships in my imagination then in real life. Not so much imaginary friends as more imaginary socializing with real people. I do add in imaginary acquaintances also. 5. I was very social as a kid with the adults (my parents cousins, friends, etc.. all thought I was so nice.) Yet I seldom socialized with people my age. To this day I am uncomfortable making friends but the first to offer to help out with elderly people or to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc..... 6. I have an obsessive memory. For example if you ask me today what happened today in history I can give a long speech of several occasions in my personal life on this date that no one else would have any memory of. Yet as a result I have PTSD from bad memories that others would be able to let go of. 7. I am very ADHD yet I can get super focused on some things like family trees or historic events in the 20th century and their causes. So just curious if these symptoms stick out as autistic or if they are likely related to other things. I acted so similar in school to a student with Asperger's that I have long wondered this and my father brought it up today after I was talking about relationship anxiety I have.
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Hello I am a partner to a mildly Asperger high functioning man. He's amazing and I am going to make a film to take to Sundance. I need to reach out to the foundations that support Aspies.... Do you have any list and contacts of foundations that are about Aspergers?
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After conducting a recent google search about ADULT Aspergers and having attended a hospital appointment for diagnosis maybe ten years ago and being dismissed out of hand due to childhood abuse issues, I want a proper test and diagnosis from another GP There were no strategic questions asked like in the Aspergers tests and all we did was talk about my childhood. I still have the report. I let it go and assumed he was right but the older I get the worst I am becoming and a 52 week therapy ending caused increased suicidal thoughts and plans plus other traits are making me want to go and fight my corner. I did a test last night and I am conclusively a high functioning Aspie. I have a different GP now so I am trying to be brave enough to approach him to ask for another referral because I am 100% sure I have it and what has given me hope is that I now see that people over the age of 40 are now being successfully diagnosed. I live in London UK. Can you connect me with the right communities here in London or the UK so that I can get the best support possible. Thank You
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Hi Mark,
That's great thank you. My partner is undiagnosed but after lots or research and listening to your seminar number 1.....we are both 100% convinced he has ASD. We are at that point where im trying my hardest to explain where things are not working and the more I go on the more he shuts off. Ive read a lot that says if I explain how I feel in writing as that's less confrontational it may help so I did that. Sometimes I get a lengthy reply and sometimes I get nothing...followed by a grand gesture. Flowers sent to my work or a meal out. He has had 4 relationships prior to us which they have all ended with them leaving him as he never said he loves them, come across as rude and arrogant. He is so rude when you say things that just arnt logical to him. I knew he wasn't right almost straight away. It wasn't until my gran said he didn't look her in the eye that she said do I think he is on the spectrum.
He has taught himself good social skills now and the improvement in him since we got together over any past relationship is amazing. I think I ring out a more confident side to him that even he has not seen before. Our only problem is I have needs, im a leo I need compliments and love and in his own words...hes just not wired that way. My best compliment to date is "im growing more fond of you with the distinct lack of moaning"....oh I did laugh. He laughs at himself too which is good. I hate that he feels I moan at everything as like in your seminar I am only trying to do what I think is helping our relationship.
On a personal level there has never been any sexual issue until lately. There was emotion and passion and kissing and he has got more emotionless of late so I have tried to discuss this and now he has back right off. We talk a lot and he admitted that he thought now he wasn't good enough so just stopped altogether unless I start it.
Its a constant battle, we are perfect for weeks then he zones out a bit, I get more needy and moan and he backs off more then we get to a crucial point. We discuss it, I cry he sits in silence then I get flowers or a meal then we are good again and he makes more effort for another few weeks. We are in love and I will not give up on him but we really need to be able to work on lessening the tension and working out a way to live where we can both be happy more of the time.
I really feel that a diagnosis will make this easier as all the time i'm convinced but not 100% confirmed there is always that doubt in my mind.
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Hi, Mark, God bless you again and again.
I lie awake at night praying for God to protect him. I am not sending any more rent and, of course, all of his problems are "my fault". I still send him grocery money, auto and health insurance. I plan to wean him off of that.
I see homeless people out on the streets. Now, my son is homeless, but by his choice. Several people have offered their homes him, but he says he would rather to stay in NY so he can be near his doctors. He can not get it into his head that medical records can be transferred.
He would rather engage me in an text-battle over controversial questions of faith. I try not to get to wrapped up, because I think he is trying to divert my attention away from the fact that he is stuck in a rut.
He blames everything on me, and never concedes that I spent $$,$$$.00 on college, room and board over 10 years. That hurts me so bad. I wearily took on a second job to send him to this top-ranked college.
Over-nurturing is the worst!! It backfires like a swollen can filled with botulism. I am so emotionally drained. I feel like I am constantly on emergency high-alert. I have forgotten how to take care of myself.
His very wise and nurturing older sister lives only 10 hours away in Tennessee. She has opened her home to him temporarily, only if he is back on his Prozac. Today is the last food assistance that I will send to NY, and the next payment, if he wants it, will have to be picked up in Tennessee, where she lives.
Thank you for feedback. Your area of expertise is so highly focused on this very special, special-needs population and their bewildered families who love them.
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Thank you, Mark, because your replies reinforce me with strength to do what I need to do.
Can you please send me the PDF files so I print and read them wherever I am?
I want to focus on that fantastic piece about re-framing. I don't want to argue with an unreasonable person anymore. I can use this skill to try to hear the heart of what he is feeling, and try not to have a knee-jerk reaction to his incendiary words. He said that he never wants to talk to me again as long as he lives, but just in case he changes his mind, I would like to be detached enough to respond correctly.
Nevertheless, I think re-framing is a good skill to utilize even with the general population!
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Hi Mark,
I really can't see how we are going to get past this point. I asked tonight why he has backed off and not wanted to touch me and he said he doesn't know. Then flared up saying he feels worthless and that he's not good enough anymore. Silly points he said like he can't even empty a bin properly, as I said to him I shouldn't have to ask him every time as its practically the only job he does in the house. The more I try to mend it the more he is shutting down and he said what the point of him bothering. Where do I go now? I've text him how it makes me feel, told him how great he is trying to boost him back up? If we can't even make love now....with now other form of closeness other than cuddles there is really no point.
Can you advise on how I can move this on?
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Hi Mark
I have two sons one 17 and the other 14 1/2. We ordered the materials to address the younger who just started his freshman year in high school. No he's not diagnosed with anything.
He is struggling with "being controlled". He thinks he should be able to make the decisions that affect him. He desires immediate gratification and struggles with self control. He also looks at issues from the perspective of what is"fair". We have used love and logic techniques but find he is challenging our family rules and constantly pushing to have things his way.
I also think he might be struggling with sibling competitiveness. My older son is very successful academically and involved in school sports and activities. I get the vibe he thinks he's being compared or we want him to be like his brother. We are mindful not to compare the two and have not verbalized this but nonetheless he will occasionally say "I'm not Dillon" when we encourage him to join a school sport and get more involved in school activities.
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Hello. My husband and I have just completed all of the videos and information for Session# 1. Our question is: our son will be starting back to school next week after the long summer break, and we're wondering if you recommend starting this program now, since session# 2 would start at the same time he starts school. Or, should we give him 1-2 weeks to settle into the school routine first, and then start the program? We just want to do this right, and we are hoping it works for our family. Thank you for your time.
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Hi Mark
Thanks for your website and the Living with an Aspergers Partner resources, which I’ve found very interesting.
I was prompted to seek out information about the relating strategies of men with Aspergers because I’ve been seeing a charming and delightful man for about seven months now, and I’ve noticed some patterns of behaviour which are unusual and distressing, not only when they occur but in their implications for the prospects of a functioning longterm relationship.
My boyfriend is 49 years old and has never been married. He is a computer programmer with a number of obsessive side interests which are very much a part of his daily life. He also has a history of falling out with friends and family, stretching back to childhood.
He is a highly intelligent, funny and kind human being and I genuinely believe he has no malice in him whatsoever.
However, he seems incapable of dealing with any kind of emotional setbacks, disappointment or conflict. In a situation where there is stress or a disagreement, however minor, he prefers to walk away rather than do what is necessary to lower the temperature of the situation, accept that the fact of matters being sub-optimal is not an absolute reflection on him or an implication of failure, merely part of the process of getting to know something of the sensitivities of others and trying to come together to a point of greater understanding.
I worry very much that if he cannot accept the possibility that adversity happens and has to be processed as part of any longterm relationship, he will be unable to confront the greater challenges that life throws any couple.
What I’m saying is that he is not lacking in affection or attentiveness when things are going well - the material you provide addresses this quite thoroughly - but I’m still at a loss to know how best to manage a situation where, for example, I am upset (as we all can legitimately be at times), and instead of meeting with compassion and affection, I find myself either shouted at or shut out. That at the moment of my vulnerability, instead of providing some kind words or support, he becomes another source of worry, rather than comfort.
Does this sound like a familiar form of response to you? If so, I would be very grateful to receive any insight and advice you may have on this.
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Thanks for this, Mark. The pattern is very straightforward: as long as we are happy and all is going smoothly, he is fine. But the instant some cloud comes into the picture, the most minor tiff or setback, and with it the notion that he has somehow “failed” or “disappointed” me, or that the relationship itself does not conform to some controlled ideal of what love should look like, the world seems to fall out of joint, and he can’t face it. So either (in the majority of cases) he walks out, or he loses his temper and starts shouting. I’m pretty sure he walks out, because he knows he won’t be able to control his temper.
I’ve
never been with someone with Aspergers before, so I find it hard to
gauge whether this a natural pattern within the condition, or whether I
should in fact be worried about this behaviour for more conventional
reasons.
Of course I appreciate that you only
have what I’m saying to go on, but if you have any further observations
on this, it would help to guide me in how I deal with these situations.
At the moment, I don’t even know whether the right thing to do is to
leave him to cool down for as long as it takes, or whether giving him
silence and space would be read as rejection in my part. It feels like a
minefield!
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Mark, I ran across your website on Pinterest. I am very impressed; what a great resource for parents and family members. I notice that you offer online parent coaching which is right in line with my company, ReachTherapy.me. We offer a platform for speech therapists to conduct their therapies online.
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Mark, I ran across your website on Pinterest. I am very impressed; what a great resource for parents and family members. I notice that you offer online parent coaching which is right in line with my company, ReachTherapy.me. We offer a platform for speech therapists to conduct their therapies online.
I would love to collaborate with you and hear more about your services.
Look forward to hearing from you.
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Dear Mr Hutten.
I
have received your book. Thank you.
My
boy is 14 and suffers from Aspergers and it is as if you have written
your book with me in mind! And he has attempted to commit suicide and
the situation with his addiction to i-pad and computer games is absolute
overwhelming for the family – although we have wonderful assistance
from the therapists.
Are there short term and intensive “training” or other form of centres in the USA that he
can attend to help him cope with life and all its difficulties. I
believe there are superb experts in South Africa but I do not know of a
dedicated “school” or institution that he can attend to assist him to
learn to cope with life. I will, of course, study your book and have
read others but will never be an expert.
I am looking forward to hear from you.
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Dear Mr. Hutten:
Thank you for the weekly newsletters and other accompanying information. I have helped me and my family to a very large extent.
I am looking to attend a Living with an Aspergers partner workshop. Can you forward information on how to find the dates/ locations?
Regards, Bill
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Mr. Hutten- As parents we are very concerned about our daughter Jennelle who is 17 yrs old. As she will be graduating next year and doesn't want to go to college. We need to approach her on careers that she would be a good fit for. She wants to be a singer and has a lovely voice. She also has type 1 diabetes which we struggle for her to manage.Any advice please let us know. Thank you! Rosanne
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Question: how can I help my 11 year old grandson develop empathy? He recently got in trouble in a gym class for calling a girl fat. When I discuss this with him, I asked him how he thought this made her feel. He replied, "sad." Then he said, "I don't care." I replied, "this makes me sad." Do you have any suggestions as to how I can help him develop empathy?
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Machel
Mr. Hutten- As parents we are very concerned about our daughter Jennelle who is 17 yrs old. As she will be graduating next year and doesn't want to go to college. We need to approach her on careers that she would be a good fit for. She wants to be a singer and has a lovely voice. She also has type 1 diabetes which we struggle for her to manage.Any advice please let us know. Thank you! Rosanne
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Question: how can I help my 11 year old grandson develop empathy? He recently got in trouble in a gym class for calling a girl fat. When I discuss this with him, I asked him how he thought this made her feel. He replied, "sad." Then he said, "I don't care." I replied, "this makes me sad." Do you have any suggestions as to how I can help him develop empathy?
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Hi Mark,
My
son Lloyd has now finally been rejected by the whole Grade 6 group due
to lack of “I don’t know what”….i am desperate and see my child
disintegrate before my eyes. I am heartbroken!
Maybe he is this Asperger Child….i don’t know what to do anymore…. They call him a faggot, retard, moffie…
I would appreciate his help!
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Hi, Mark, God bless you.
My son
is still homeless in NY. It has been 3 weeks. He has had family offer
homes him: 2 homes in TX, 1 in TN and 1 in NM, but he says he is "in so
much PAIN," and "he missed his doctor appointments... because he is
HOMELESS...(my fault) and was not able to eat the correct diet for the
tests the doctor was going to run......."
He
said he is forced to eat junk food because he does not have a stove to
cook because he is homeless.... and it is all my fault.....because I
sublet his apartment..... Then, he told me in a very angry voice, "I
HOPE YOU SUFFER AND I HOPE YOU DIE!"
(Not much gratitude shown here. I just sent him $200 for groceries, because I felt bad about the
apartment, and 3 weeks ago, sent his $700 to fix his brake line and
front brakes because he supposedly was going to come home.)
I
do believe he is sick, but but even more so, mentally ill. He
certainly has depression on top of the Asperger's. I am sad because he
is a highly trained computer scientist, almost graduated but failing
miserably in life.
He
might to go to his sister's in TN, but who knows if he really will go?
The lad needs to get out of NY, and go to a place where he can receive
support, but not enabling.
It
is so hard for me to go to work with this insane burden on my
shoulders. I give my best, but I'm considering taking a different job
with my same school district that may not be as stressful. I don't know
if I can continue to work with 4 year-olds while this family situation
explodes. His unkind words of hatred echo in my mind. I
almost sought treatment for depression. Everything is (always) so
unstable.
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Hi Mark,
I am a Mum of two boys and I have
Aspergers myself. Our older son (Alban, 6) has Aspergers and our
youngest (Lucas, 4) is neurotypical, like his Dad.
Our
problem is this. Alban has few big 'meltdowns'. Being Aspie, myself, I
have been very conscious of learning the sorts of things which trigger
these in him and I think we do pretty well in keeping him stable and
content. However, on a day-to-day basis his temper is constantly foul.
When small annoyances happen (e.g. he drops a favourite toy car) he has
to blame someone else - usually me, Dad or Lucas. We get a torrent of 'I
hate you' 'it's your fault', and often hitting.
We
can see that the two brothers wind each other up and, when things get
too rough, I often suggest to Alban that he takes some time alone to
calm down (because that works for me). The trouble is that he sees this
as a punishment or as being 'misunderstood'. He yells that he is 'not
angry' and that Lucas is to blame for everything etc etc.
When Alban is not angry, he is a joy to be with. I wish that he would admit to getting angry and allow us to find solutions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
How are you? I Hope you’re doing well.
My name is Jillian Petrova, and I’m delighted to write you this email. You’re running a great blog here, loaded with interesting and educational stuff. Your efforts are very well appreciated. Mind if I ask you, “would you allow me to write a guest post for you as a personal input of mine?”
Looking forward to hearing more. Cheers!
Warm Regards,
Jillian
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello ,
My son, Patrick is 19 with Aspergers and ADD and getting ready to start college. We've ALWAYS had a great relationship until he started seeing a girl about 7 weeks ago and he no longer cares about anyone else except the girl and her family. He also has Type 1 diabetes so he's always checked in with us whenever he was gone out. Now, he not only doesn't check in but comes and goes as he pleases with no warning and no indication where he's going or how long for. He wants nothing to do with us and leads a very secretive life with that family. They all lie to us and they lie to the father. My son suddenly has no respect for us and it is hurting us and our marriage. My husband is at work all day so I'm left with all the drama. When I call him he gets very upset and now is saying he's going to move out because of the tension and fighting between all of us. This person is NOT MY SON ANYMORE!!!
He doesn't care about me or anything but this family and the girl is not allowed to come here yet he goes with them every day...
There is so much more but Zi've tried everything I know and it just gets worse.
I came across your name and what you do late last night and it gave me hope! But, he got up today saying he would help me (I have disabled arms at the moment) with anything and suddenly said, "Well, they're here so goodbye"
I said where are you going and he said,"with them" and left! I don't know what to do and I feel like I've lost my son! I've spent his whole life trying to get him help and all my time and energy. He has no license, no job and will take 2 college courses that he won't try at and will fail. And this family is buying him clothes and he's hiding everything from us.
I know it's a lot but can you give me any advice at all? The girl is 16 and still in high school. This is my last resort as he has a therapist and he ignored every word she said to him.
Please help?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am in the middle of a crisis and I looking for advice. Our 17 year old son is on a hunger strike. He is holed up in his room. This is the second day of the hunger strike. I think he is drinking some water (not enough) but he is not eating and even more concerning,he is not taking his medication (for anxiety/depression) which is 20 mgs. of Lexapro.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I think my 17 year old daughter has high-functioning Asperger's. (She is highly intelligent but fits quite a lot of the symptoms - difficulty making friends, dealing with school/social situations, hates changes in routine or expectations, doesn't notice people's appearance, has developed eating disorder, extremely good memory and maths skills, has difficulty compromising in teamwork, games or opinions. On the flip side, she spoke very young - whole sentences by 14 months, and has always had an extremely strong imagination, been good at developing imaginary characters and explaining their motivations - but I wonder if this is typical of Asperger's girls?)
She has frequent devastating meltdowns at home and your "traditional parenting techniques don't work" statements ring very true with me. I've always had to take a different approach with parenting her: never trying to take control - it's been a matter of collaborative parenting with her. This worked very well when she was young and still does most of the time, but since her dad and I divorced (6 years ago, when she was 11), she's had violent and drawn out melt downs - which for a long time I thought were related to the divorce and puberty and massive disruption in her life. But I'm beginning to think it could be Asperger's-related.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks, Mark.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
How are you? I Hope you’re doing well.
My name is Jillian Petrova, and I’m delighted to write you this email. You’re running a great blog here, loaded with interesting and educational stuff. Your efforts are very well appreciated. Mind if I ask you, “would you allow me to write a guest post for you as a personal input of mine?”
Looking forward to hearing more. Cheers!
Warm Regards,
Jillian
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must have died a thousand deaths yesterday. I felt
blindsided by the horrible thought of my AS son committing suicide. I
imagined the burden of living the rest of my life with the guilt of not
letting him have what is left of my money.
He is a highly trained computer scientist from RIT (hasn't graduated, though), and he needs to be working!
He is holding out because he wants an apartment in NY, (so he can be 'near his doctor'). I don't want to
undo the effects of all the tough love that I have given him over the last 3
weeks.
Sometimes I wonder
is he is really sick. His medical file folder is probably 5 inches
thick with woes, some real, most imagined due to hypochondria.
I tried texting him this morning, and guess what? He texted me, so, he's alive. (I should have known!)
I feel so foolish for starting a missing person report. I have 2 states
looking for him under "missing and endangered." If they find him, they
will do a welfare check on him. Do you think it is OK to just leave
that report on file in NY?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
don't need to know why he abuses us. I know that our unconditional
love for him makes us a dumping ground for all of his
accumulated distress and negative energy. What I do want to know is
how to handle the fact that WE are a TRIGGER of his sensory processing
dysfunction. We've changed the light, the noises, the stimulus of
situations he wishes for us to avoid on his behalf - but we are his
LOVING family, and WE are not going away. What do you do when you -
mother and father and sister are your child's trigger?
Hello again Mr.
Hutten. We follow your column and I am a paid subscriber to your
one-on-one parent coaching. We (me, my husband and 6-year old daughter)
just came back from a short summer vacation. Our 9-year old son (with
ASD, high functioning Asperger's) did not go with us. At the last
minute, he said he would "ruin" our vacation by panicking and needing to
come home. We suspected this to be a fair and accurate forecast based
on numerous prior experiences when in fact, he was panicked and arguing
to go home. Desperately needing respite, we arranged for him to stay
with my parents. He had a great week nonetheless. He went to
Philadelphia to see a Phillies game (Star Wars Night, no less), saw the
Putnum County Spelling Bee at the Bucks County Theater, exercised
10,000+ steps according to my mom's fitbit each day, participated in
daily house chores, ate every meal, and did his back to school shopping,
gleefully. My parents said he had absolutely "no problems" (with
transitioning, going out, exercising, eating, enjoying himself). On our
vacation without him, we enjoyed doing all of the things our son
usually CAN'T do without a fight. Examples include: not wanting to do
what we're doing includes simply being on the beach or going to a pool),
not wanting to get in the car to go from place to place (or fighting
viciously with his sister the whole ride), being difficult about where
we eat, and basically, EVERYTHING that involves decisions made by us.
If we're enjoying ourselves, he's got a mindset to make it stop. We're
so worn down by it. Of course after such a successful week at their
house, my mother thinks she "cured him." After an hour home with us, he
showed signs of breaking down. We got in the car to go into town and
he had a full violent tantrum (hitting his sister and non-stop kicking
the back of the driver's seat as hard as he could) and insisted we go
home and that he could not go out with us. We turned around after
about 10 miles of driving. We did not go into town to see the Liberty
Bell or Independence Mall (his idea, not ours). He did not go the
Philadelphia Eagles game for which we were gifted tickets. My husband,
me and our daughter were all in tears, he just fumed at us until we got
him to the house. I've mentioned in therapy that I identify a barrier
to success of progess, that WE, mom, dad and especially his sister, are,
in Nate's mind, triggers of anxiety. This is horrifying, but well
illustrated by his calm behavior in our absence (including school), and
his behavior in our presence. My husband reminds me how ANGRY he's been
with ME since we told him I was having a baby (our children are three
years apart). While we did not probe him with questions after
yesterday's outburst, he did tell my husband, on his own, that like at
school, he was just "holding himself together" for his grandparents,
because he knew he was expected to behave "a certain way." For us
though, he unleashes anger and distress, anxiety and discord. He tells
us he does not know why.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark:
We are in a struggle with our son who turned 18
last Saturday. He continues to spend many days in bed especially during
the week. He found a job with a landscaper for the summer but has
easily missed 1-2 days a week. His employer has been kind enough to keep
him on, although I don't think for much longer. Fall is coming and we
told Alex that we expect him to attend school full time or work full
time. If he works full time we expect him to pay room and board. He has
only half of grade 11 completed. He has not made any moves to register
for school. He has several choices: regular high school, adult ed, or go
to a university that has high school classes.
I
believe we are going to be in a position of housing this young adult
man who will be home much of the week. I don't think he will go to
school or find a job at least one that he has to attend daily. Alex says
his behaviour is a result of his depression. Is it time for Alex to be
on his own, meaning should we ask him to leave and support himself?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark
How do you my mother of a child with Aspergers. Is currently just turned 11 years old and we have been diagnosed since he's been three and a half. As a family we've been dealing with the ups and downs, lots of downs for quite some time. Not only does my child have aspergers but I have been afflicted with lupus for the last 7 years. As a mother dealing with extreme health issues as well as a child that struggles immensely I have started writing a book regarding our experiences. Not only the experiences but how we have dealt with them some successes some not so successful. The book I have been writing is a conjunction of living with lupus as well as living with a child with Aspergers. I am looking to publish this book to assist others in common situation. I'm reaching out to you to see if you can provide any assistance names and/or contacts that might be able to assist me in providing this information that is invaluable to these parents as well as those that suffer from lupus. If you can be of any help would be greatly appreciated?
How do you my mother of a child with Aspergers. Is currently just turned 11 years old and we have been diagnosed since he's been three and a half. As a family we've been dealing with the ups and downs, lots of downs for quite some time. Not only does my child have aspergers but I have been afflicted with lupus for the last 7 years. As a mother dealing with extreme health issues as well as a child that struggles immensely I have started writing a book regarding our experiences. Not only the experiences but how we have dealt with them some successes some not so successful. The book I have been writing is a conjunction of living with lupus as well as living with a child with Aspergers. I am looking to publish this book to assist others in common situation. I'm reaching out to you to see if you can provide any assistance names and/or contacts that might be able to assist me in providing this information that is invaluable to these parents as well as those that suffer from lupus. If you can be of any help would be greatly appreciated?
Again thank you for your time and consideration. I would appreciate any assistance you might be able to provide me with.
Thank you,
Stephenie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello ,
My son, Patrick is 19 with Aspergers and ADD and getting ready to start college. We've ALWAYS had a great relationship until he started seeing a girl about 7 weeks ago and he no longer cares about anyone else except the girl and her family. He also has Type 1 diabetes so he's always checked in with us whenever he was gone out. Now, he not only doesn't check in but comes and goes as he pleases with no warning and no indication where he's going or how long for. He wants nothing to do with us and leads a very secretive life with that family. They all lie to us and they lie to the father. My son suddenly has no respect for us and it is hurting us and our marriage. My husband is at work all day so I'm left with all the drama. When I call him he gets very upset and now is saying he's going to move out because of the tension and fighting between all of us. This person is NOT MY SON ANYMORE!!!
He doesn't care about me or anything but this family and the girl is not allowed to come here yet he goes with them every day...
There is so much more but Zi've tried everything I know and it just gets worse.
I came across your name and what you do late last night and it gave me hope! But, he got up today saying he would help me (I have disabled arms at the moment) with anything and suddenly said, "Well, they're here so goodbye"
I said where are you going and he said,"with them" and left! I don't know what to do and I feel like I've lost my son! I've spent his whole life trying to get him help and all my time and energy. He has no license, no job and will take 2 college courses that he won't try at and will fail. And this family is buying him clothes and he's hiding everything from us.
I know it's a lot but can you give me any advice at all? The girl is 16 and still in high school. This is my last resort as he has a therapist and he ignored every word she said to him.
Please help?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
Just found your sight and it is wonderful.
I
am a parent of a 13 yr old Aspergers son in 8th grade here in Santa
Clarita CA. My husband and I are really struggling with our son now more
than ever at home and school. A very difficult and emotional time for
him too with being in a new Country,State,City and middle school with no
support .School is very challenging and overwhelming as he is in main
stream. Staff are in the process or reassessing him for a IEP due to his
previous IEP not being valid anymore.I had signed off on it due to him
being bullied and pulled him out and homeschooled him with no services.
He
has a diagnosis and feel I need a advocate here to support us so we can
reinstate his IEP and place him in a aspergers program at another
school and getting some resistance as they don`t know him very well .He
is lonely and cannot find kids like him, with similiar interests. Want
to find a best place at school and outside hewill thrive. He is very
tech savy,loves books,movies,gaming,videos and creative...
He
is being very defiant and not making friends and anti social with
absorbing himself in his gaming. Has a history of being bullied allot :(
There is so much to cover including his physical health,posture,eating
habits,sleeping habits,social skills and our family is very challenged
meeting his needs and understanding how best to proceed with everything
etc...To get sevices is all so expensive and not within our budget. he
needs social skills/behaviiural help and self asteem bldg and OT/PT
asap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am in the middle of a crisis and I looking for advice. Our 17 year old son is on a hunger strike. He is holed up in his room. This is the second day of the hunger strike. I think he is drinking some water (not enough) but he is not eating and even more concerning,he is not taking his medication (for anxiety/depression) which is 20 mgs. of Lexapro.
Some quick background: He has always
had neurological problems from birth - he was extremely colicky and
cried 24/7 unless he was in a moving car, stroller, or being carried.
He wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. He grew out of the
crying when he could walk but then he would get overly emotional and
have meltdown. In second grade we had to take him out of school because
he couldn't handle the stress and homeschool him. Eventually he became
too defiant for me to homeschool him and we sent him to high school.
Big mistake - he had daily meltdowns and just couldn't adjust. In fifth
grade (while being homeschooled) he did a year of counseling which
didn't help because he wouldn't cooperate. The counselor suggested
medication to make him open to therapy. At the time we said no to
medication but then in sophomore year of high school we decided to try
medication and also counseling again. The Lexapro did cut back on the
meltdowns but didn't eliminate them. We transferred him to a small
charter school with project-based learning and this also cut back on his
stress. Meanwhile he quit everything he did or belonged to because he
said it caused him too much stress: guitar lessons, swim team, tennis
team, youth group, etc. Now all he has is the computer which he is on
all day. After two years with the counselor she gave up on him because
she said he doesn't cooperate which is true. He doesn't want to go and
he no longer wants to take the medication which I explained you cannot
go off cold-turkey without going through withdrawal.
He
was diagnosed with HFA, anxiety, depression, OCD, and PDD-NOS. He is
not fully typical of autism. He is rule oriented but he is not rule
compliant. Only when he wants to be. His room is a mess for example.
He has to be nagged to do his chores. I have a schedule up but he won't
follow it. He can never remember what he is supposed to do. However
he has almost all A's and had a 30 on the ACT. He has been offered a
half tuition scholarship at a nearby university where he will study
electrical engineering. He is always in a bad mood, always negative,
doesn't want to do family activities and when forced to, makes sure he
makes everyone miserable. We can't wait to send him off to college, a
half hour commute away but we don't know if he can survive in a dorm.
We know he won't be able to get along with his roommate and teachers.
But we can't have him live at home (except come home for weekends)
because it is too stressful for all of us to deal with him. He is the
oldest and was the only child for 5 years until his little brother came
along, whom he is very jealous of. His brother is the opposite --
loving, affectionate, neurotypical. He is constantly berated by his
older brother but still looks up to him and tells him he loves him. But
my teen never returns affection with any of us.
Anyway,
to the point at hand. We had another argument with him over his
behavior which has been getting worse as he gets anxious for the start
of the school year. When he gets anxious he gets obnoxious. He
sometimes used the threat of not eating for a week to get us to comply
with his demands and by blackmailing us this way he avoided the hunger
strike and got what he wanted. This time my husband and I have had
enough and won't give in. So he has dug in his heals and won't eat or
take his medication. I called the psychiatrist's office yesterday to ask
what to do and he is on vacation until Wednesday
with no doctor on call. The receptionist just said if he is a danger to
himself take him to the emergency room. However, he will not go to the
emergency room and given that he is 6 ft. tall we can't physically make
him go. He does not understand the physical consequences even though I
explained them. I am also afraid he will become difficult to control
as he goes through the medication withdrawal. We took away his computer
and phone when he refused the medication. So now he just lies on his
bed all day. Are we supposed to just wait until he passes out from low
blood sugar and then call an ambulance? Or should we give in again?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I think my 17 year old daughter has high-functioning Asperger's. (She is highly intelligent but fits quite a lot of the symptoms - difficulty making friends, dealing with school/social situations, hates changes in routine or expectations, doesn't notice people's appearance, has developed eating disorder, extremely good memory and maths skills, has difficulty compromising in teamwork, games or opinions. On the flip side, she spoke very young - whole sentences by 14 months, and has always had an extremely strong imagination, been good at developing imaginary characters and explaining their motivations - but I wonder if this is typical of Asperger's girls?)
She has frequent devastating meltdowns at home and your "traditional parenting techniques don't work" statements ring very true with me. I've always had to take a different approach with parenting her: never trying to take control - it's been a matter of collaborative parenting with her. This worked very well when she was young and still does most of the time, but since her dad and I divorced (6 years ago, when she was 11), she's had violent and drawn out melt downs - which for a long time I thought were related to the divorce and puberty and massive disruption in her life. But I'm beginning to think it could be Asperger's-related.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark:
The
cops found him and took him to the psch ward, where (evidently) he got
back on his prozac. So, even though it is a lot of drama, it was good
for him, because I know he must have seen a psychiatrist.
I
keep giving him $ to come home and he spends it on other stuff (like a
smartphone from Wal-mart "because he needs a GPS when he gets on the
road"). Now, he says that he needs $ for his storage ($88) which I did
not even know I was paying for!! I don't know why he wants to pay
another month, if he is supposedly going to Tennessee to live with his
sister.
I told him that $
is the last that I am going to give him. I had earmarked this for gas
money to move to Tennessee, and I think he is going to blow it on that
storage.
He says that if I don't send $, he will have to steal food and it will all be my fault.
He
still is stuck on blaming me for all of his woes. I feel like I need
medication for depression. At work, because I am standing up for myself
on lingering issues, I know that this stressful situation is putting me
on edge. I applied for an inter-office transfer, a different job
because I am so strained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your learning module has changed
the way I’ve been parenting my kids. I’ve gone through all of them, however I’m
still coping with some adjustment. For your information, my Overindulgence Questionnaire
score was 90.
My husband and I are working and
most of the time my children are left with my maid. My 19 year-old Oppositional
Defiant Disorder kid has been assaulting my maid several times. I’ve told my
maid to keep away from him when we’re not around and not to follow his orders
all the time (he like to disturb her eg: order her to make coffee and fry eggs
in the middle of the night even during sleep, telling her to watch TV programme
together and not to leave the house even when she has some important things to do
like buying goods). Being scared, she just followed whatever he has ordered for
fear of being beaten again when the request is not fulfilled.
He is less rebellion now and has
been communicating with the other siblings and involve with outdoor activity
with my neighbour. However he still have difficulty to connect with people
outside and he is very much dependant.
Now my maid has decided to go
back since she could no longer bear the situation. My husband though, still
insisted her to stay. I’m willing to make a police report of the assault even
though my husband disagreed.
My questions are:
1. How
should I advise my maid? Is leaving the house a good choice?
I remember 3
years ago my Asperger son suffered Major Depression when the maid went on leave
for 2 months. His depression continued for additional months after she
returned. He was treated by Psychiatrist and was no longer depressed.
2. Should
I proceed with the police report?
3. Should
I isolate him from the rest of the siblings to ensure their safety?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Hi Mark,
I'm not sure if you take questions from the public for your
weekly columns or not, but I have a conundrum with son. My son is
high-functioning and in the 7th grade, but he's not very interested in
engaging peers in conversation. At recess, he prefers to walk around the
track by himself instead of talking with other kids. At lunch, he sits
at a table with six other boys on the spectrum and admits that he
doesn't really say much to them. He says he has different interests. He
also doesn't talk much with kids in the hall or during class unless it's
required. He tells me not to worry; he's fine and happy and doesn't
really need friends since he has us (his parents) and his sister, who is
one year younger. He used to be more interested in doing things with
other kids -- namely playing video games, but not any more. Should we
let him be? Or push the issue? (Although I don't know if you can "make"
anyone talk to others.) He also has anxiety issues too.
Thank you for any advice you can provide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 6 year old grandson has been removed from school due to violent outbursts against his teacher, and the whole family is participating in his homeschooling at this time. I am caring for him several afternoons a week and have tried everything that has been suggested when discipline is necessary, but I cannot keep him in time out if he does not want to be there. Frankly, the only thing he responds to is the threat of a swat, but I feel deeply that this is just not the right way to discipline this boy. It seems like violence in order to keep him from resorting to violence makes no sense, and he is smart enough to know that. Short of tying him up, do you have any thoughts?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 6 year old grandson has been removed from school due to violent outbursts against his teacher, and the whole family is participating in his homeschooling at this time. I am caring for him several afternoons a week and have tried everything that has been suggested when discipline is necessary, but I cannot keep him in time out if he does not want to be there. Frankly, the only thing he responds to is the threat of a swat, but I feel deeply that this is just not the right way to discipline this boy. It seems like violence in order to keep him from resorting to violence makes no sense, and he is smart enough to know that. Short of tying him up, do you have any thoughts?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
