Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Hi Mark
Can we have your advice please ?
Our son is 13 not attending temporary placement, not allowed in mainstream school - currently waiting for approval off the local authority for specialist school for social, communication & behaviour concerns.
We are allowing him out as we can't keep him in all day & night but he isn't a pleasant boy around the house. He is very demanding & forceful when he wants something & he has no patience.
Because of his poor choice of words & his respect for us his parents I refuse to give him money. His Dad does give him money so he is able to buy a drink & food as he says he needs it if he his out for 7 hours.
What is your advice to giving money to your teenager who hasn't earned it ?
We are aware he is smoking canabis that's another reason why I don't like to give him money. He has sold his items & stole from us & family members to buy canabis.
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Hello,
I have a question, hoping you can help me with it. My daughter (PDD) was with Children Disability Services but when she turned 18 lost all supports. She doesn't qualify for anything because her IQ is over 70. She is very vulnerable (has been a victim of cyber bullying and child exploitation). She has no friendships and her social skills are challenged. What kind of supports are available for young adults with Aspergers and high IQ?
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Hello Mark,
We have a 3 year old son who is currently in a special education preschool in a Los Angeles public school.
The school district feels he is on the spectrum and has stated this on his IEP. Some behaviors that are currently of concern are banging his head on the floor when frustrated or when his personal space is invaded by classmates in addition to pulling hair and hitting his classmates. Limited speech and sensory issues seem to be factors.
He has greatly improved with sitting during circle time and really loves going to school. He particularly likes his teachers. He is a pretty happy little guy overall and tantrums are fairly minimal for the time being.
Our son is currently going to special ed. preschool 4 days a week for 2 1/2 hours per day with 1 hour/week of both speech and O.T. offered during class time. In addition, due to developmental delays he attended Early Intervention education which included Center Base and both Occupational therapy and speech 2 hours per week from the age of 2 1/4 - 3 years old.
He has been going to his current preschool for 3 weeks now. I am feeling the need to find some sort of social skills class where a professional can work with him alongside one or two kiddos to address some of these behaviors and teach friendliness with peers. I am not having much luck finding such a service.
I did however, find your information and would like to know if your ebook can help me help my 3 year old.
Any additional advice or suggestions would also be very much appreciated.
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I'm loving your newsletter, thank you!
One issue I have with my 12yo Aspergian boy is that of portion control. I don't mean just food, either. He seems unable to moderate the amount he takes or uses in LOTS of things. Shampoo, soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, etc. -- even when he pours water from one container to another -- it is as though he just cannot control what he is doing and always uses or pours too much. Any tips that I can try?
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I would like to order your e-book and program, but find I barely have time to get an article read, moreless a book...having children 3, 6, 8, and 17 (grandparents who adopted/are adopting their grandchildren), makes it difficult to really "FIND" time, yet I know that if we don't understand this, we are wasting A LOT of time, theirs and ours. My question is, will this work with my 17 year old who has non-verbal learning disability. She has become addicted to sexual issues, on line (we've taken away her home computer, but seems to be able to access it from friends at school, during school). She is dangerous to herself and to us with the "conversations" she has with these "people" on line...she constantly is watching shows about babies, crimes, ER rooms, sexual scenes in movies...something that seems "normal" like kissing to us in a movie, she gets all grossed out, yet the way she talks on the internet is COMPLETELY the opposite...she's getting more aggressive also. She's been in counseling and on meds for years, but nothing seems to be improving....we tried to do on-line schooling because of situations that developed at school with two boys, but that just opened up the world of porn to her. Now back in school, after many attempts to get her into an impatient facility (she didn't qualify in ANY of them) because she is possibly (per one counselor) a sociopath, and can deceive many, I fear for her safety (and ours). She's starting to get daily reports of her missing classes but how can we prevent it when the school doesn't seem to be concerned until it's up to 10 a semester??? I also have an eight year old boy who has an abnormal bran scan, and lots of neglect and abuse (possibly) for the first year 1/2 of his life. But no time to write more, just know, he is totally unpredictable...the slightest thing sets him off and he freezes up and huddles in a corner or just won't move....he constantly steals, hoards things, lies....We want to help both of them, but some days are just exhausting....no place we've contacted wants to do outpatient services with him....so I guess it's up to us to find out the correct things he needs...He does WONDERFUL in school, so we just do not get it, and wonder if others think we are just making mountains out of molehills regarding him....Thank you for your time.
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Hi Mark, I am a professional clinical counselor and grandmother to a 13 year old boy with HFA. Yesterday went shopping with his mom, a friend and him... He chose to tag along. Mom prepared him well and everything was fine until we encountered the escalator. He refused... For quite awhile to get on. Tears, strangers help and all. Mom has been encouraged by his counselor to help him face his fears, so she didn't want to back down. After about half an hour he finally got on... Clinging to her every inch of the way. When he got to the top he dropped to the floor... As if to hug the floor. Not sure if that was relief or drama... He can be dramatic at times. He is also afraid of elevators and is clumsy and slow on stairs. I think there is more going on than just anxiety... And wonder if occupational therapy would help him. Mom reinforced him for finally getting on the escalator .. Maybe a bit excessively. I wonder if the over reaction is getting reinforced as well by all the attention he receives for a melt down. We were all exhausted by the event. I worry about the age appropriateness of his behaviors, how this will affect him as he moves along in school, etc. The school has refused to help with his large motor skill deficits stating that it doesn't interfere with him getting around in school. I don't agree. Do you know if there are other ways to get therapy for him... And do you think it could help? Thanks for any input in advance.
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i just wanted some advice on parenting him.. He is your typical aspergers kid.. the list that was published is him to a tee!! lol
We seem to have the most problem with listening in general..School as well
he is having a difficult time there as well.. has to sit by himself so others can get work done Being so smart he is finished his quickly then want to socialize.. OF course in a class of 30 this is not happening? .. What can I suggest to his teacher? to get his to focus and listen? I know this is a BIG question that has LOTS of answers but anything would be appreciated.
.. I mean most kids are like this i realize BUT with him its a little different as you are probably aware..it is just not about the listening its tuning you out!!!
For example going to bed, getting ready for school, stuff like that stuff he really doesn’t want to do!! The noises and sounds he makes when you try to talk to him.. hands over the ears making rude sounds and stuff.. Our parenting my husband and I, are quite the same.. we speak and we speak and we speak UNTIL it gets to the taking away privileges which is the only thing that seems to work and it seems to be when we get to the beyond reason point!! My husband loses patience quiet easily quicker then I and he usually has to raise his voice.
How do you get through to him without these threats and yelling for discipline? He so tunes me out in the morning trying to get him dressed breakfast lunch ready etc..
i am just one big angry frustrated mess by the time i drop him off at school… i don’t think i can do this for the next 8 yrs of school lol i guess i just want a few suggestions to help ease things around here.
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I have a son who will be 21 this month I have had him in
mental health since he was five. From the time I was pregnant until now I
have not understood how to talk or communicate with my son. He has been
diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar, Depression then when he hit adulthood
Aspergers. After reading and thinking back on my sons behavior I believe
it is Aspergers. He doesn't like pants he only wants to wear shorts and
he is addicted to video games. My son has a learners permit but takes
no interest in driving. I cant get help from the vocational rehab people
until he has a license. He worked with my husband two months at his job
and is at home depressed and back to his same routine. I am desperate
to find him help so that is why I bought your book. Just from what I
have seen on your video's I finally found someone who knows what I am up
against.
Thank you, Lucy
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How can I assess when my “mind-blind” adult daughter would be ready to live
on her own?
She could not live off-campus(totally messed the rented apartment), and she
could not live
own her own(same scenario except add four cats) because of internal anger
and newly acquired physical pain(car accident). Medical professional claims that daughter has behavioural issues. How can
these issues be resolved? Daughter lives in a group home for another reason, but is free to
leave.
Also, I understand the principle of prioritizing, but in the scenario of
“hoarding specific items vs necessities” how should these be addressed. eg. adult daughter lives elsewhere but insists on bringing home “her
belongings” vs. necessities for weekend visits(like clothing especially
underwear)
Her books, and stuffed animals, are kept at a minimum but at great
emotional cost to both of us.
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DO you counsel parents over the phone? I am seeing a therapist now but
constantly come back to…did I do enough. Alex was diagnosed at 6 years
and I did EVERYTHING I was told to do plus more. He is not 100 %
apsergers…he has aspergers symptomology. We sent him to a college prep
high school and he did very well. He graduated from George Washington
University and is now living in Bethesda and looking for work. He help
many internships unpaid and then paid while inscholl and after.
Socially he is behind. We put him on a financial exit plan. After
college we gave him $XXX/month for 6 months and then would lower that
amount by 25% every 6 months. After 2 years of this, we would be done
supporting him. Keep in mind, he has NO DEPT!! He is mad at us now
since he don’t have a job. I guess that is our fault. We don’t really
talk to him much but try to check in on occasion. I never worked so
hard with so little appreciation. If there is more I need to do, I will
gladly do it. But my gut tells me to let him figure out his life.
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Hi Mark,
Our son Aaron (9years old) will be celebrating his First Holy Communion
in a couple of weeks. We have planned a party to celebrate this
occasion. We have invited quite a number of our extended family (approx
60 people). We are just wanting to know if you have any
strategies/suggestions so that Aaron does not get too overwhelmed/
anxious on the night.
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Dear Mark
What a wonderful well structured article.
We
live in England with our six year old son, who is definitely on the
spectrum of high functioning Aspergers (although not officially
diagnosed yet).
As parents we all have our
individual journey in coming to terms with Aspergers, we have found
acceptance of who they are the biggest turning point. Luckily for us,
we knew from a very early age that Oliver did not react to the world
the same way we do and we adapted our parenting to support Oliver as
best we could.
We have now placed him in a local private school with small class sizes and amazing, supportive teachers.
We
are now looking for advice and resources that we can utilise to assist
our amazing son in the areas you mentioned in your article. Any advice
welcome.
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Hello Mr Hutten:
I have been married to a very unusual,
sweet/affectionate (or he used to be) - terrifically immature
(extraordinarilly unreasonable/unrealistic) 53 year old man/person.
He lost his Business Banker job a year into our marriage and did not look for work for 2 years (my alimony paid for our house).
In the last five years he has worked two jobs
each after my begging/pleading with him to find work - he lasted at both for 3-5 months and each were andabsoluty fruitless.
He
has not looked for work for probably a year now -- our electricity has
been turned off, his truck was repossessed -- but unless something is
pretty much on fire in front of him - it doesn't exist.
(When
I came home to no electricity he told me we were experiencing a brown
out. Despite the fact he hadn't paid the electric bill for three
months).
It had been pointed out to me that he's very likely Aspergers.
His Mother tecently told me he was on meds for ADHD as a child, and, that there was Autisim in his father's side.
So I researched Aspergers. Everything was scarily familiar.
He
does not have an awkward gait, but does move his mouth in exaggerated,
unusual ways - especially when he is upset. And he's come to speak very,
very loudly. There are many aspects that put him on the spectrum.
He
continually self-sabotages, is forgetful, and everything has worsened
and worsened... and although I have continually been there to rescue
him, I put an end to that a few months back.
He
has become quite fractured, doesn't have a penny, looks awful. He's not
taking care of himself - and I am the only person in his life. (In six
years, I've never met a friend of his. Apparently he was always on his
own as a child as he never got along with the other kids).
He
really is quite intelligent... academically. Emotionally - that - is
an extraordinarilly trying area, and quite isolating for me socially.
I
have made sure we have health insurance (if he was in charge we would
have neither health nor auto ins .... As it is there isn't even money
nor a budget for groceries or gasoline).
He has Blue Shield and I'd imagine there's some provision for therapy.
I
told him (as his Mother has) that he really needs help - someone to
guide him, help give him some perspective - and hopefully some
behavioral therapy.
He's no idea of time -- he becomes entirely lost/absorbed in what he is doing. Five minutes can turn into five hours.
He is absolutely saturated and can barely keep a thought in his head. When I saw that you deal with Adult Aspergers, via computer(!?) -- that was a God-send.
Personally,
I came from a long term, privileged marriage and as such had not worked
for 25 years (nor had I attended college) - but I had had some money.
During my
marriage to Chris I have loaned him thousands and thousands, based upon
his sincere promises and best intentions - but have never seen a penny
of it back.
Dealing with him, cleaning up his endless
messes has been a career in itself and I am beside myself trying to pick
up the pieces.
I told Chris about you and he said he was willing to talk to you and get help.
Please be aware that he can feel picked on quite easily and become defensive.
He has a lot of repressed hostility and about 7,000 justifications for everything.
(He does not know how to use Skype, but I can help him there).
This man truly has no one and is in dire straits.
I am not equipped to help him. I've done all I can and far beyond.
Please tell me what's next...
I
want to see him get the help he so severely needs. He is like a child
and although it can be freaking, nuclearly maddening - it is
heartbreaking.
Thank you, and thank you for the help that I pray you may provide.
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Thank you so much for addressing the topic of aggressive aspergers teens.
Not
sure a protective order is realistic-- many of us do not want to put
our sons out – we just want advice on how to stop or manage the
aggressive behavior—holes
in walls, in your face, etc. My son even punched dents into my car
with his fists. [In all cases, he has to fix the holes himself and he
had to pay the car deductible].
At
the moment, things are calm bc I have been using the privilege of
driving and being able to borrow the car to control his behavior,
including doing his school
work, etc. This was a great topic and gave me more to think about in
case his aggression escalates.
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Wow Mark Hutten, I am so happy to have found you online. I am the grandma of 6 year old Alex, my daughter's oldest kid(a 2 year old sister and a newborn sister). Alex is a new first grader and is a high flyer(genius IQ)-----he was reading signs on buildings and trucks when he was 3 and now can do some four-function math equations as well as has taught himself some of 14 different languages (including Russian,Hebrew,Arabic). He is also a walking encyclopedia on the solar system. He was diagnosed w/ Aspergers last year in kindergarten but was observed for a month in class by psychologists and did not qualify for special services. His wonderful teacher w/ 25 years of teaching did a fabulous job of giving enrichment activities to Alex. Toward the end of the year the kids were actually asking Alex how to spell stuff and add stuff. He loves structure and order of course and also playing on the playground. He has just started a bit of imaginary play w/ others but would prefer to have others play his made up game "Spaceships" where they assign the different play structures as planets and land on them. He begs kids to play w/ him and we have explained that he needs to do what they want to do occasionally as well as talk about what they want to talk about----because it is polite. My daughter and her husband have done well bringing Alex to 'normal' groups stuff at church, the neighborhood and their friend's kids houses and he has managed to tolerate peer interaction ok.....All this is background info for my question. The other day he was playing Frisbee w/ a boy at the park and the Frisbee accidentally hit Alex in the nose and he started crying----the other kids felt devastated and was sad and wanted to convey that to Alex but Alex kept scream
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We really appreciate your newsletter. One of our children recently got
the diagnosis (by phone, of all means...), and I really think your
insights are very good, helpful and different from others that can be
found on the worldwide web - eg, your observation of the silence before
the rage (helps me to notice her lighter skin colour and adjust my own
behaviour) and the clear priorities (if it's not really dangerous, like
fights with siblings, let it go). Therefore we would really enjoy
reading a book written by you.
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Hi Mark,
We just bought your OPS package to help us to deal with out 15 years old daughter. In just half year we got all issues from six-stepapproach.html page. The biggest issue that we are trying to address at this moment is drugs. But we also thinking that we need to address shoplifting as soon as possible. We have a huge department store nearby and she is going there to steal sushi, cosmetics, cloth... I think she is doing it already for at least two months and nobody caught her yet. I tried to talk to her multiple times but she just smiling at me. Recently I was able to take away some clothes that she stole there but I am not sure what to do with it. Should I throw it away, should I return it back to the store and they will charge me for the items or what ? We also went to this store and talked to a manager describing the situation and asking them to catch her so the authorities can deal with her but so far nothing. We need to address shoplifting at this point because we think she brings the stolen food to the older kids who have money to buy drugs and they share with her. We also called police on her several times when she was aggressive, sneaked out at night but they are telling us that this is parenting issue and they can't help us. She also has two social workers working with her but she was able to fool them around.
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Mark: Our son is 20 years old and will be 21 in May 2015. He
graduated high school with A's and B's and has completed a Solar
Technician class and passed a national test. He just took an exam to be
accepted into the Electrician's Union.
However,
we are a standstill. He is working in my law office doing filing and
court runs but says he is bored and no longer wants to work there. We
are a loss as to how to direct him. He seems most content playing video
games.
We know you talk about my Asperger's
Teenager but it appears to us that he is about 3 to 4 years behind
emotionally and in his social skills. Do you have any advice for is
since he is fast approaching young manhood. Thank you.
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Dr. Hutten,
This
is just a very short addendum to my previous email. I forgot to
mention a couple of behaviorial issues which might have further bearing
on my charge's situation.
First, this young man LOVES music, and his mother plays nursery rhymes
at home, and he hears them here also. The little dog doll, which I
mentioned in my earlier message, plays songs, and at times he will be
heard singing along with the last verse of the song. He sings the "ABC
Song" well, and will continue singing it if I'm singing it and stop.
Although most letters he says are not recognized, because we know the
song, of course, I can make out what he is singing. When I sing a
nursery song with motions, he will stop and watch and sway, but doesn't
not participate.
Secondly, we look at books -- board books -- at his level, and he has
his favorite pages, to which he will turn, sometimes saying words -- not
clearly.
Thirdly, last week I noticed he was doing something that his mother
had told me about over a month ago. That is he puts his fingers in his
mouth, one at a time, grabs his nail with his teeth, and pulls with all
his might! He has a VERY strong bite -- believe I know because my
finger was caught in it one time (and he knew it too) -- and she showed
me where he had successfully pulled his fingernail(s) out of his
fingers. Apparently, he has done it with his toes, also, but I haven't
witnessed it.
Fourthly, he lives with both parents, who are both loving toward each
other (when they ARE with each other) and toward him, and his dad is
very affectionate with him, but firm. His mother, as I mentioned, is
loving and affectionate, until her son cries or has an "episode" or
whines, etc., sometimes showing anger and raising her voice to tell him
to be quiet. Sometimes, I chalk that up to the fact that she's had a
long hard day at work (for the government at the drivers' license
bureau), and is tired. I treat him with affection here, hoping he
knows that I love and care about him, and also tell him I love him, he
is a sweet boy, and other affirming words.
I
thinks that is all. Thanks soooooo much for your time, and I know you
can't make a diagnosis online!! I'm just looking for any suggestions
you might have to help me help this child and his family. I saw your
book, and want to purchase it, and will when I have the money to do so.
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Help us deal with out 15 years old daughter. In just half year we got
all issues from six-stepapproach.html page. The biggest issue that we
are trying to address at this moment is drugs. But we also thinking that
we need to address shoplifting as soon as possible. We have a huge
department store nearby and she is going there to steal sushi,
cosmetics, cloth... I think she is doing it already for at least two
months and nobody caught her yet. I tried to talk to her multiple times
but she just smiling at me. Recently I was able to take away some
clothes that she stole there but I am not sure what to do with it.
Should I throw it away, should I return it back to the store and they
will charge me for the items or what ? We also went to this store and
talked to a manager describing the situation and asking them to catch
her so the authorities can deal with her but so far nothing. We need to
address shoplifting at this point because we think she brings the stolen
food to the older kids who have money to buy drugs and they share with
her. We also called police on her several times when she was aggressive,
sneaked out at night but they are telling us that this is parenting
issue and they can't help us. She also has two social workers working
with her but she was able to fool them around. Btw, we live in Canada.
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Good morning, Mark.
I am emailing as I noted your book on My Asperger Child.com Teaching
Social Skills and Emotion Management. Do you have another online book or
resources to help unravel what happens if there was a misdiagnose and
no prevention? My 16 year old was recently diagnosed with nonverbal
learning disability (along with possible schizoaffective disorder).
While we appeared to be communicating, she did not truly understand what
we as parents have said even if she summarizes what we have said.
There is a disconnect. While teachers and friends deem her brilliant in
her talents and intellect she has incredibly low self esteem. There is
the disconnect. She was repeatedly misdiagnosed child (due to high
verbal skills and intellect). Thus, we are past our opportunity of
prevention mentioned on the discussion of the Teaching Social Skills and
Emotion Management book. I strongly feel that helping her understand
more about her autism spectrum disorder will help
further her healing.
Thank you for your time.
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QUESTION--
Hi Mark,
I have contacted you several times over the past two years about my son Cameron. He has an adult brother that kept
running interference and the
last time I contacted you was Father's Day, and you said, "Let go and let G-d." So I did. It
has been a rough several months with the two of them barely speaking to me, but I have managed to hang in here.
Long story short, after 6 months of this, they are both losing the shop my adult son had, and neither of them has a
place
to live, as they chose to build a room off the shop and live there. Landlord found out and wants them gone by the 31st.
Between bad credit and No Credit, plus no recent rental history, no one wants to take a chance on them. They have
not asked to move back home, but instead have asked me to take care of their dogs while they drive to California & then
to Florida to "scout out locations" for their future move.
Neither of them
has made any effort what-so-ever to maintain any kind of contact with me during this entire time and
now they need a dog sitter??? Not for one dog, but two and I already have one of my own. I told them I was not interested
in discussing that over the phone and invited them to dinner Sunday so we could discuss time frames for their departures
and returns. Surprisingly, they agreed.
The crazy thing is this, I am suddenly feeling like I may want to
cancel on them and just let them figure it out for themselves.
It is not that I don't want to see them, it is just that I do not want to see them ONLY when they need something from me.
Now
that I have a chance to try and patch things up with them, I am suddenly feeling very anxious and unsettled.
ANSWER--
Hi April,
You've got nothing to lose by having
them come over. Maybe some unexpected blessings might take place. Their
agenda is to pawn the dogs off onto you. Your agenda should be to simple
make a connection with them. See how you feel after the conversation.
You might change your mind and decide to help them out, or you may have
confirmation that it's their problem (in which case, you will need to
tell them why you can't keep 3 dogs).
Again, you've
got nothing to lose by having them come over -- but that doesn't mean
you have to take responsibility for their issue.
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Mr. Hutten,
I went online and saw your website on
aspergers and though my 15 year old son has not been diagnosed, he has
many signs and symptoms. When he was in 3rd grade, he was borderline
ADD. (But I had to stop with any diagnostic work as my then husband
'flipped out' that I was even doing this. Personally, I think he was
trying to hide his own inadequacies).
When he
(David) was 3 years old, he walked on his toes. After years of wearing
leg braces and the last stretch of getting a 'normal' gait, his dad told
him he didn't have any problems and he didn't need to wear his leg
braces. Why would someone do that? I lost respect from my son. He
refused to wear his leg braces any more. He lost his zest and 'doing
hard things'.
In grade school, David showed
everyone he was pretty smart. In middle school, it didn't work so well
to 'wing it' and still get a good grade. Doing the homework was
beginning to be a chore. So much, that he wasn't doing it. Teachers
would always say that he is very focused in class and does well on
quizzes and tests.
Below are a few symptoms that seem to 'fit':
- Swearing (verbally abusive)
- Defiant (doesn't help with chores/pickup after himself/leaves messes)
- Does not do homework
- Bullied many times
- No real friends (7th grade was the last time he 'hung out' with someone)
- Talks loud
- Personal hygiene low priority (leaves boogers on bathroom wall/cabinet)
- Disorganized (weak executive functioning)
- Never smiles (saw it twice in 9th grade; before that 7th or 6th grade maybe). Seems angry
- Takes revenge; when angry, he will damage or destroy something (ex: make scratch marks on something)
- Intense
with 'stupid' you tube stuff. It's a battle to get phone away. I do
turn off internet at night. Locks himself in bathroom to play video
games.
Please advise what my first steps are. Everyday I feel stressed/tormented/angry at him. I
never smile. His behavior is destroying me(physically, mentally). I
can't go on living like this. They say 'help is out there'. I am asking
you for help, please.
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Hi,
My boyfriend is a single parent of a 9 yr. old with Aspergers.
Since mom abandoned the marriage and their son, the father has spent the
last year trying to cope on his own. He refuses to see help from any
source that can provide him with the proper tools to help his son and
himself.
The main issue is the most extreme separation anxiety
that I have ever seen. The child refuse to be away from dad other than
to attend school. It is effecting my relationship with my boyfriend
because we cannot alone time except for one evening per week, for just a
few hours, and his son constantly texts or calls him to ask when dad is
coming home. His son will only spend this away-from-dad time with an
adult brother and occasionaly his grandmother. The child is extremely
high functioning and knows exactly how to manipulate dad. I am
at my wits end and ready to shelve our relationship unless help and
support can be provided. Any assistance from you would be
wonderful. I am willing to purchase your program for my boyfriend is I
can be assured that the above issues are addressed.
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Hi Mark:
This last week our son has moved down hill. He did not attend one full day of school last week. We do not say much about school work and attendance we say that it is his responsibility. We do not allow him to use our vehicles on the days he does not attend. He did not go to his guitar lesson, his band practice or hockey game. He says he is too depressed to do this. He only did one of five chores this week. He keeps insisting that we must ask him to do the chore and then he will consider it. There is a list on the fridge. As a result of no chores, he eventually moved into a restart of a one day full grounding/lost of privileges Saturday. On Saturday he left the house in the evening anyways. We locked him out for 24 hours, he could come home 8:30 tonite. It is Sunday evening he has not returned. He hung out with friends and as far as we understand he is at the movies this evening.
We are checking into see if we are handling the situation correctly as we are worried that he may behave the same next week. Do we continue the same consequences? My husband and I have discussed our parenting skills and agree that he has been nagging somewhat and I have not been using poker face consistently. Other than that....
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Hi ~
We are enjoying your course. Thank you.
Looking forward to seeing it implemented and working over time in our home. Transformation is what we need and I believe we are on course for that.
My wife and I are seeking assistance through your program and others, as well as marital counseling (this teenage season has taken it's toll on us too), and genuine friendships through our church community group. Lots of support around us and it is still not easy, but we are pressing onward together.
We have 2 teenage boys ~ ages 15 & 17.
Both are "Prodigals" currently, but we have faith in the Lord's promises and provisions and love and power, that they will come to their senses and return to a higher moral and ethical standard someday soon.
In the meantime, we are in the thick of it. Their immaturity and rebellion is way more than I (we) ever imagined we'd face.
In the past, I have reacted with anger for their rebellion and disrespect and our relationship is severed. I am well on my way to recovery through professional help and prayerful support from many, and am confident that the self-control I need to have, will be restored. I did not always separate myself from them emotionally when things went sour and I mucked it up. As a result, they now have serious anger and resentment towards me. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life.
So, their rebellion ~ yes. But it is accompanied by an excessive amount of anger, hatred, bitterness, profanity, and talk of drugs and sex.
This past week, our youngest was told (by both mom & I), to return to the house to finish his homework, since he has "zeroes" in many classes and a few F's.
He said NO and skated away. We repeated our request and he did the same and left.
We withheld his privilege of going out this past weekend for his evening social times with his peers (who by the way, are like-minded and in similar academic and behavioral slumps).
Question for you ~
Today at breakfast, he told us that he doesn't care what consequence we give him about what he is about to do. And that is ~ he is going out with his friends on Halloween, no matter what. He said he didn't care if we took away his weekend privileges for a month ~ he was going to go out no matter what. He says it's too big of a party and crazy fun night to miss. My dictionary defines incorrigible as "impervious to constraints or punishment, willfully unruly, uncontrollable."
That is what we are dealing with.
Your advice?
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
First, I'd like to say how much you have helped my family and I with our son and his many emotional and neurological set backs.
My
question is: What do you recommend for compulsive lying? Our son is
almost 14. He must take laxatives even though he has been placed on a
gluten free diet. I just started this with him a little over a month
ago. We do know that him on gluten puts him into orbit as we discovered
this last Friday night after he had a hamburger with the gluten bun. He
is still having problems but settling back down. But our son is always
putting the pills in his pockets which we check everytime he takes the
laxatives. He has been on these since he was 8. They work well. I want
to continue with the laxatives for another 6 months to see if the GF
diet works at helping the stools become more and more as the way they
should be.
Our son lies about anything
possible. We have tried putting him in time out, good behavior charts,
toileting charts (even with a toilet training specialist), being yelled
at, incentitives, restriction from his favorite activity, which is
computer and Legos. Nothing seems to phase him. Nothing makes him want
to stop. He even lies about going to the bathroom (#2) which we have
tried the same type of approaches to correcting his behavior. He has
been to 3 GI's which have not worked at all.
I
am currently schooling him with on line schooling so I can work with
him at home so he can be kept on a regular schedule, kept on the GF diet
at all times, no bullying, but he has socialization with rock climbing
with a homeschool group with kids his age, he is taking karate with kids
his age, and has a church youth group that is his age. He also is on
medications with a psychiatrist, has had assessments (home and
psychological assessments), and goes to a counselor every week.
I
feel like my husband and I have tried everything. His brother is three
years older is also very understanding and tries to be a help in helping
him see his needs met. Our son is academically smart, proficient to
advanced. But he lacks the emotional, social, and many of the
coordinating skills of a Aspie. He also has ADHD and deals with severe
depression. Another reason for "homeschooling" him.
Sorry
for the long email, but I feel if our son, who can be wonderful, has a
quick wit, but is very crafty, doesn't get his behavior of lying
lessened any sooner, there are going to be severe problems as he grows
up more.
Could you please address so my
husband and I can know how to get through to him? We understand this is
one of the problems with a child with Austism, ADHD, and other problems.
I am almost convinced that our son deals with PDA. So many of the
symptoms fit. But I feel having our son assessed is a mute point as
medication wouldn't do anything seeing it is behavioral and seeing it
part of autism, behavioral issues, and such, it is something we just
have to work with, which we are more than willing to do. My husband and I
just want to get our child to be able to function as adult in society.
We are very concerned.
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Hello Mr. Hutton,
My husband and I are
interested in meeting with you to help us with our adopted daughter.
She has ADHD and was recently diagnosed with RAD. She spent her first
17 months of life w/ her bio. mom and was neglected as well as subject
to witnessing repeated domestic violence and homelessness. The first
piece of tangible help we have found is your website. Even though she
has been in therapy off and on since she was 3 years old. She
completely manipulates her current therapist and we feel it does more
harm than good. For instance they play games and the Therapist lets her
cheat to win at every game. Now she is 11 and the hardest thing we
face now other than disobedience and attention seeking is that she is
constantly stealing! She mostly steals my things (adoptive mom) like
heirloom jewelry, glasses, money, makeup, etc, but she is also stealing
from school and stores. She is currently banned from our local Rite Aid
store. We have emptied out her bedroom to simplify caring for her and
her clothes. She is allowed to access her belongings, but cannot store
them in her bedroom because she hoards and allows food to rot...and uses
her "stuff" inappropriately to hide stolen items. I do take away
things she uses wrongly- and we are applying the many counterintuitive
parenting approaches suggested on your website. My informative
parenting style was all wrong for her! But we are a very devoted family
and I spend quality time with her and her brother, even making time
each week to allow her to lead the play, so she can exert personal
control in a positive and appropriate way. I appreciate your newsletter
and would like to know if we might "meet" with you for some direct
coaching. I fear her issues are becoming so big that soon her mistakes
are going to have long term consequences. And for us- it's exhausting
dealing with her, because she wants control all the time and is always
working some kind of angle. Please let us know how we might arrange a
cyber meeting with you.
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Hi Mr. Hutten,
I had a counselor share your information with me on Reactive attachment disorder about a week ago. I can't begin to describe how much your response to the adoptive parent in ask the parent coach touched me as I read it. You were some how able to express in words for me what I have tried for five years to do with no success. We adopted three children from the foster care system in 2009. One has RAD ( recently diagnosed). She has been misdiagnosed 4 times and each time we were given incorrect parenting techniques. Just as we got the RAD diagnosed CPS became involved because of allegations. Unfortunately, a year later we just made it to the court room this week and kids have been out of our home for 8mths. I still can't get DSS or the judge to see the disorder for what it is. I am still the one at fault in their eyes. At this point they are recommending more ineffective counseling because she isn't showing symptoms at my mom and "seems" to be attaching to her because there are no behaviors so they think this disproves the diagnoses. I am at a lost now as to how to help my child. That being said, I can't thank you enough for the words you wrote because after all this time I was really thinking I was crazy and a bad parent and all these other people were right. Your words have given me the strength to continue to fight this battle. I know we have a long road but you have been my shining light in this battle. Thank you greatly for the informative information.
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Hello!
My name is Alvita and i saw your youtube video about counseling on skype. For the past two days I have been looking online for support for AS. Im kinda in a tough spot trying to deal with this and find a way to cope through life with it. I'm at my whits end with this. I just
want to scream sometimes.
I don't know how much the sessions would be but i work part-time and get paid twice a month i don't make very much and i pay $300 a month to my mom for rent. I just need to find some
help and counseling, someone i can talk to. I hope you can help me. I
don't know what all you allow your clients to discuss with you...like
what topics and stuff for example: just what goes on in my life in
general or just strictly AS stuff. I live in a small town and don't have
the full proper help i can get and my schedule dose not allow me to
travel all the time for proper help and support. This could be a good
thing for me and I think more convenient for me as well as long im
accepted as a client of yours and i can afford to pay you what you think
you will charge me. Please email me back info and what you
think you could do for me. I appreciate your time.
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My (just turned 17) daughter was grounded a month ago for staying away friday and saturday
night without permission. Her phone, Wi-Fi, TV, and some clothes were
taken away, and her curfew was earlier. She continues to not come home
the last 3 fridays nights. SHe was told the police were going to be
notified that she was a missing person, and I did notify the police.
My husband and I are thinking of implementing ZERO TOLERANCE and
telling her that she will be pulled out of the school and put in a local
school in our town. However, I feel she will test this limit and we
will have to follow through in the end, not improving the situation.
DO you have any/other suggestions?
p.s.
My daughter is going to a charter school in another town. It's on Fridays after school when she decides to not come home. SHe has told us she wants to be emancipated and live in the town where her school is.
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Hello Mark Hutten.
My names Ryan and im 19 years old
living in Manchester, United Kingdom. Doing some research on the
internet led me onto your youtube channel and site in which has been
helping me in understanding asperges.
i came
to a link on one of your videos and it listed a few experience in which
most of them match me. I don't think i have asperges/autism but after my
mum kept talking to me about it, she convinced me to get help, i did
accept eventually but only if she would be there 100% of the way as i
coudn't do it without her.
I have seen 2
psychologists, i have been to my doctor too see what he suggests. These
that i have listed led me in circles, i always got referred onto
somebody else and i coudn't find the right person, and until i do, i
dont know which step to take. Although none of those helped i am
currently attend a place called "streetwise" it offers support to people
with health or social problems and its trying to help me get on the
right track.
I would like to copy the things from your site and list next to them in how they affect me.
- obsessive
routines - Routines can be difficult for me as i have got only 1 and i
find it really difficult to break the routine and try something
different. Everyday the routine is the same and i cannot find anything
else to do that will break the routine.
- problems
coping in social situations - I suffer from really bad anxiety and
depression and i find it difficult to interact with people in the real
world, its also difficult to speak to new people who i meet on the
internet via voice communicating. i cannot make and maintain
friendships, this is something i've never been able to do and has a big
impact on my life. I've been told my house is my comfort zone and in
every possible case, i'd choose to stay at home instead of going out
places.
- intense tantrums called "meltdowns" - These happen sometimes but it's only when somebody has said something to me which i didn't want to hear, i wont always do it but it depends on whats said.
- oversensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights -n/a
- preoccupation
with one subject of interest - I love to focus on and research music
and sound, i will constantly research the same thing over again but with
different searches.
- being
overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes - This is one thing i
cannot cope with, if its a change of my life or my routine i hate it and
cannot agree with it. ME and my mum found that if she was to move it
and show me what the change would actually look like, i might consider
it if i did like it.
Thanks for reading, sorry its unorganized and after reading that, i would like to know what you think ?
There
is so much more to tell but i would first like to know what you think
and if possible i could get back to you with a more organised email
containing a lot more info.
Thanks, Ryan
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Mr Hutten
I was so excited to find your clips on you-tube, I just bought and
downloaded your book. Been married to an Aspergers for 19 years, have 3
Aspergers children (diagnosed, not sure yet about the 4th). So I got to the
blame, dissappointment, depression, just like you so brilliantly explained
and then found your sites, thank G-d). We have been going for marriage
counselling but I now understand that because the therapist is not trained
to work with Aspies, so he treats us like normal couples and nothing
changes. I am not sure that there is a better therapist where we live and I
do have confidence in this therapist that if he learns the right material,
he will be able to help us better, should I refer him to you or what else do
ou suggest.
Another question, my eldest son, 16 years, diagnosed, had a dog for 4
months. He was so happy, the happiest we had seen him for a long time.
Unfortunately, we had to get rid of the dog because of problems with the
neighbours (I really tried everything possible to avoid this option, but it
was not possible). He obviously is now very down, very resentful, not
talking to me. We usually have an incredibly good relationship. Do you
perhaps have any suggestions on how to help him.
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