"Any tips for helping my son with high functioning autism to cope with my recent divorce. He's taking this really hard to say the least."
For all kids, divorce is often stressful, sad, and confusing. But for children with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), divorce is especially problematic due to their difficulty with transitions and dislike for routine changes. Unfortunately, divorce may be the most disruptive event in a "special needs" child’s life.
Research on divorce shows the following:
stresses resulting from the life changes surrounding the divorce make kids more vulnerable to physical and emotional illnesses, especially when moms and dads continue to fight over custody issues
kids of divorced parents are more likely to have health problems, to participate in more risky and antisocial behavior, and to be at higher than average risk of school failure than are young people from two-parent, non-divorced families
kids of divorced couples are more likely to live in families experiencing poverty or difficult financial circumstances after the divorce
Studies are showing that there is more confusion and disruption during a divorce – and the effects can last much longer – than previously thought. Some research suggests that HFA kids of divorced parents have more difficulty establishing mature emotional relationships when they become grown-ups.
Parents usually feel uncertain about how to give their “special needs” kids the right support through a divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time – and help your child emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong. It is very possible to make the divorce process and its effects less painful.
Helping your youngster cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to his or her needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won't be a seamless process, but the tips below will help:
1. Acknowledge your kids’ feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. Also, inspire trust by showing that you understand.
2. Although strong feelings can be tough on children, some reactions can be considered normal. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression. It’s natural for kids to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives. Your children may express their anger, rage, and resentment toward you and your ex-spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy.
3. Be age-aware. In general, younger kids need fewer details about a divorce and will do better with a simple explanation, while older children may need more information.
4. Kids have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your kids of your unchanging love.
5. Conflict between moms and dads (separated or not) can be very damaging for children. It’s crucial to avoid putting your kids in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between parents.
6. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members, and encourage your kids to do the same.
7. By providing structure and routine that your HFA child can rely on, you remind her that she can count on you for stability, structure, and care.
8. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your children, but can also influence your ex to be gracious in response.
9. Be patient. HFA children struggling with divorce may seem to “get it” one day – but be unsure the next. Treat your youngster’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
10. For all children, divorce can feel like loss (e.g., loss of a parent, loss of the life they know, etc.). You can help your HFA child grieve and adjust to new circumstances by creating social stories around “dealing with change.”
11. Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you may need to pick and choose how much to tell your kids. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.
12. Help your children find words for their anger and sadness. It’s normal for HFA kids to have difficulty expressing their emotions. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
13. Let your children know that, even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both mom and dad.
14. Let them be honest. Some HFA kids might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
15. Don’t be critical of your ex-spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events (e.g., infidelity), but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the “blame game.”
16. If you often find yourself locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand – raising a happy, healthy child.
17. If you can keep the long-term goals in mind (e.g., your kid’s physical and mental health, education, etc.), you may be able to avoid disagreements with your ex about daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm.
18. If things get worse rather than better after a few months, it may be a sign that your youngster is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety (e.g., frequent angry or violent outbursts, poor concentration, refusal to participate in favorite activities, self-injury, eating disorders, sleep problems, trouble at school, withdrawal from loved ones, etc.).
19. However simple it may sound, letting your kids know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way just as before, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
20. Maintaining a “working relationship” with your ex can help your children avoid the stress that comes with watching their mom and dad in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your kids’ pain by making their well-being your top priority.
21. Many children believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their mom or dad, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your children let go of this misconception.
22. Never argue in front of your kids, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.
23. Resist the temptation to spoil your children during a divorce by not enforcing limits or by allowing them to break rules without consequences.
24. Physical closeness (e.g., kisses, hugs, pats on the back, etc.) has a powerful way of reassuring your youngster of your love.
25. Share logistical information. Tell your children about changes in their living arrangements, school activities, etc., but don’t overwhelm them with too many details.
26. Refrain from talking with your kids about details of their other parent’s “bad” behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
27. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. Let them know that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your children to give a new situation a chance.
28. The benefit of schedules and organization for HFA kids is widely recognized. These children feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. For example, knowing that even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework can set a youngster’s mind at ease. Maintaining a set schedule also means continuing to observe rules, rewards and discipline.
29. When it comes to telling your children about your divorce, many moms and dads freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your kids by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your kids handle the news.
30. While it’s good for HFA children to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very difficult. Help your children adjust to change by providing as much stability as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing continuity doesn’t mean that you have to be excessively rigid, but creating some regular routines at both households and consistently communicating to your kids what to expect will provide them with a sense of calm and stability.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
"How can you handle an explosive child (high functioning autistic) who has tantrums and/or meltdowns that end up becoming violent in nature?"
Some children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are known for their “explosive” and “out-of-control” behavior. This is referred to as “blind rage.”
A blind rage is “blind” in the sense that the affected child may not be totally aware of his or her behavior during the rage episode. It’s a feeling of intense and growing anger that is associated with the fight-or-flight response, but should not be confused with temper tantrums or meltdowns.
During a tantrum, the child is aware of his or her behavior and motives, whereas rage occurs in a semi-conscious state. Meltdowns are driven more by anxiety-related issues (e.g., sensory sensitivities), whereas rage is driven more by anger-related issues and a need to retaliate.
An Aspergers or HFA child with ADHD and/or ODD has an increased susceptibility to blind rage. Rage can sometimes grow to the point where the child is capable of doing things that may normally seem physically impossible. Children experiencing rage usually feel the effects of high adrenaline levels in the body. This increase in adrenal output raises the physical strength and endurance levels of the child and sharpens his or her senses, while dulling the sensation of pain.
Children in a blind rage have described experiencing events in “slow-motion.” An explanation of this "time dilation" effect is that, instead of actually slowing the perception of time, high levels of adrenaline increase the ability to recall specific minutiae of an event after it occurs. Since people ordinarily gauge time based on the amount of things they can remember, high-adrenaline events, such as those experienced during periods of blind rage, seem to unfold more slowly.
A child in a state of rage also loses much of his capacity for rational thought and reasoning, and may act (usually violently) on his impulses to the point that he may attack until he has been restrained, or the source of his rage has been “destroyed.”
A child in a blind rage may also experience tunnel vision, muffled hearing, increased heart rate and hyperventilation. She often focuses only on the source of her anger. Also, the large amounts of adrenaline and oxygen in the bloodstream may cause her extremities to shake.
1. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. For example:
Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking the child’s property or invading his space.
Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that the child do something that she does not want to do (e.g., brushing her teeth).
Physical assault, which involves one youngster doing something to another youngster (e.g., pushing or hitting).
Rejection, which involves a youngster being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
Verbal conflict (e.g., a tease or a taunt).
2. The second component of rage is its expression. Some Aspergers and HFA kids vent or express rage through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the “offender.” Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non-aggressive ways. Still others express rage with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the “offender.” Some kids on the autism spectrum express dislike by telling the offender that he or she can’t play or is not liked. Others express rage through avoidance or attempts to escape from the “offender.” And some use “adult-seeking” (i.e., looking for comfort or solutions from a parent or teacher, or telling the adult about an incident).
3. The third component of the rage experience is understanding (i.e., interpreting and evaluating) the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of rage is linked to an understanding of the emotion, and because these kids’ ability to reflect on their rage is somewhat limited, they need guidance from parents and teachers in understanding and managing their feelings of rage. The development of three basic cognitive processes undergirds autistic kids’ gradual development of the understanding of rage:
Memory: Memory improves substantially during early childhood, enabling children to better remember aspects of rage-arousing interactions. Aspergers and HFA kids who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express rage may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy – even after parents and teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This implies that adults may have to remind some these young people (more than once or twice) about the less aggressive ways of expressing rage.
Language: Talking about emotions helps them understand their feelings. The understanding of emotion in these young people is predicted by overall language ability. Parents and teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because the kids’ families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.
Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors: Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in kids on the spectrum provides a base for parents and teachers who can develop strategies to nurture these kids’ emerging ability to regulate the expression of rage.
Techniques to help children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism learn to deal with blind rage:
1. All of us exhibit some "signs" just as we begin to get angry. So, it’s actually fairly easy to identify the “rage signs” in a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism. For example, you may detect a certain "look in the eye," a tone of voice, or a tightness in the child’s body. Thus, your first course of action is to help your youngster observe these signs right at the onset of rage. Once Aspergers kids can identify the early signs of their rage, they can also learn to diffuse it by self-soothing techniques (e.g., walking away, taking full and vigorous breaths).
2. Train your youngster to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay calm. Give that signal as soon as your youngster starts "stewing" about something. If your Aspergers youngster is too young for such self-control techniques, use distraction as soon as you notice her exhibiting a rage sign. A distraction, in order to be effective, has to be of interest to the youngster (e.g., suggest to her "let's ride a bike" or "let's play ball").
3. Teach your kids to talk about how they feel. Give them a language to express their feelings. If they are too angry to talk or don't have the words to express their feelings, ask about the feelings relevant to the specific situation. For example, "Do you feel rejected?" "Hurt?" "Let down?" …etc. When your youngster expresses the feeling behind her rage (e.g., embarrassment or rejection), suggest some other ways to look at the same event that might not be embarrassing or humiliating.
4. The thought, "It's not fair," is a big rage-arouser for many Aspergers and HFA kids. If that is the case, ask them, "Do you feel you are being treated unfairly?" When your youngster answers the question, listen and don't rush to negate his feelings.
5. If the youngster refuses to be distracted or engaged in dialoguing about her rage and starts yelling, stomping or breaking an object, impose appropriate consequences. But have these consequences in place ahead of time to serve as a guideline. That means that you have discussed them with your child beforehand and written them out for future reference. Armed with a list of consequences (which preferably consist of withdrawing privileges or charging the youngster a "penalty"), moms and dads should encourage their child to choose such alternatives as doing something else, walking away, or talking about the rage rather than acting out of rage.
6. How about your own rage in response to your youngster's rage? You can set an example of rage control for your youngster. No teaching technique is as effective as a parent "modeling" for the youngster with his or her own example.
7. One thing that makes many moms and dads angry is to see their youngster challenging their authority and defying them. Sometimes it may appear so, but that may not be the intention of the youngster. For example, a child may be too unhappy to be told ‘no’ because he or she wants something so badly. Of course, you shouldn't give in to the child’s demands, but try to understand what might really be his or her intention.
8. Some kids on the spectrum get upset when they know they made a mistake. Instead of admitting their mistake, they act out in rage to deflect the attention off them. If you realize that this might be the case, it's helpful to say to your youngster, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am okay with it. Don't feel so bad about it."
9. Aspergers and HFA kids that lash out at others should be often reminded of such consequences as losing privileges at home, going to the Principal's office at school, and being restrained.
10. If the rage outbursts occur in relation to the siblings, and you didn't observe the whole interaction from the very beginning, it's better to impose a penalty on both siblings.
11. Some of these young people get angry because they don't have appropriate peer-interaction skills. For example, they don't know how to join in a conversation or a game. They abruptly try to get in. When resisted or rejected by peers, they explode. Teaching appropriate social skills can go a long way to avoid such negative encounters.
12. Parents can establish a home environment that reduces rage and teaches tolerance. For example, they can set a personal example for their son or daughter that "big people do apologize” and “it's graceful to loose and try again.”
13. Parents and teachers can use guidance strategies to help these kids express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. These kids develop ideas about how to express emotions primarily through social interaction in their families, and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books. Some have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing rage, and when confronted with everyday conflicts, resort to using aggression at home or in the classroom. A major challenge for parents and teachers is to encourage Aspergers and HFA kids to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.
14. Create a safe emotional climate. A healthy environment permits these children to acknowledge all feelings – pleasant and unpleasant – and does not ‘shame’ rage incidents (e.g., “You should be ashamed of yourself for acting this way!”). Healthy environments – whether at home or at school – have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.
15. Encourage them to label feelings of rage. Parents and teachers can help children produce a label for their rage by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe. A permanent record (e.g., book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for rage (e.g., angry, mad, hot, irritated, annoyed), and the child can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.
16. Encourage them to talk about rage-arousing interactions. These kids better understand rage and other emotions when grown-ups explain emotions. When these kids are embroiled in a rage-arousing interaction, parents and teachers can help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.
17. Help your youngster develop self-regulatory skills. Parents of children on the autism spectrum do a lot of “child-regulation work" (i.e., doing things ‘for’ their child rather than ‘with’ their child). This is because parents know that their child has a very limited ability to regulate emotions. As Aspergers and HFA kids get older, grown-ups can gradually transfer control of the self to their kids, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.
18. Model responsible rage management. They have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of rage. Adults who are most effective in helping kids manage rage model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings, and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.
19. Use books and social stories about rage to help them understand and manage it. Well-presented stories about rage and other emotions validate a kid's feelings and give information about rage. It is important to preview all books about rage, because some stories teach irresponsible rage management.
20. Special needs children that are guided toward responsible rage management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non-aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor rage management. Parents and teachers can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing rage by adopting the positive guidance strategies listed above.
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
• Anonymous said... I just booked an appointment for my daughter to see a specialist about her out of control rages, we're talking, growling, hitting, screaming, breaking, etc. multiple times a day at home, school, etc. Taking her off dairy has made a big difference. Her brother, who has ADHD and Asperger's, has finally turned around this year from out of control to the best behaved because of parent training, behavior therapy, and medicine. However, what is rigidity of thought frustration in a boy changes to emotional explosions in his sister. Feeling confidant because brother has become so successful. • Anonymous said... i'm not a fan of meds, especially for the young ones, we kept encouraging better ways to express feelings, use your words, take deep breaths, count when frustrated, 2+ years of consistently encouraging this has paid off, but what also had a big impact on turning things around for the better was identifying the triggers (rigidity of thought, crowds, loud noises, peer interactions), getting special accommodations at school, and having an IEP at school for occupational therapy and extra assistance at busy times (when he struggles to cope). I'm talking about serious ear piercing or destructive tantrums that can last well over an hour, even a couple hours. (not just the average child tantrum), we've managed to help him cope so much better now, and he's happier at school for it. A rage tantrum now might last 5 to 10 mins as we or a teacher will guide him down, they happen far less these days. I highly advice reading up on what you can do and using all the school resources you can to help your child. Also once you learn the triggers you can avoid some, go to park at times when it's most quiet, plan swim lessons before the pool opens, find the quietest beaches, small playdates, avoid crowds etc. • Anonymous said... My son has developed these within the past several months. It's tied in with his OCD. We're not supposed to talk about medication here.....but from what I understand this is the best solution for this type of problem. Really the only potential solution. • Anonymous said... This is my son, does anyone have any suggestions to curb these 'blind rages'. * Anonymous said... My son is 10 and his behavior has regressed in the past year. He has OCD which triggers his rage. The "attacks" are mentally and emotionally draining on every member of our family, and that is putting it very mildly. His pychiatrist has suggested he be put on Abilify, and after years of resisting this particular drug, we are being forced to try him on it I'm not happy about it AT ALL, but can't see any other solution.
What are some of the best tips for "empowering" a special needs child on the autism spectrum?
Raising a youngster with Asperger’s (AS) or High Functioning Autism (HFA) will have its ups and downs. There are going to be times when you want to crawl back into bed and put the covers up over your head (and occasionally you have to give in to that). But, you have to get right back up and push forward. You should always keep your eye on the prize, which is your “special needs” youngster.
Even though raising a youngster on the autism spectrum is a long journey, moms and dads have many options and places to turn for help. Early intervention is key. You have to get going right away, because time is of the essence. Get focused on what your mission is. Here’s how…
Best tips for empowering a child on the autism spectrum:
1. Assess your youngster's need for medication. While there is no medication for Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism, there are drugs for specific symptoms that your child might display. For instance, the FDA approved Risperdal in 2006 for the treatment of irritability in young people with the disorder. Short attention spans can sometimes be improved with stimulant drugs that are used to treat ADD or ADHD. Asperger’s and HFA kids who have anxiety, depression, or OCD behaviors can often be treated with anti-depressants.
Drugs have a limited role in improving symptoms of Asperger’s. However, some may help prevent self-injury and other behaviors that are causing difficulty. Medicines may also take a youngster on the spectrum to a functional level so he or she can benefit from other treatments. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests targeting the main problem behaviors when considering medicines.
2. Become very familiar with public policies so you can be your youngster's advocate in gaining the best education and care possible. For example, make sure that plans (504 or IEP) are in place for your youngster to receive therapies at school.
3. Beware of irritating sensations. Many children with Asperger’s and HFA are hypersensitive to certain sounds, lighting conditions, skin sensations, tastes, textures, temperatures, and certain colors. The exact form of these hypersensitivities tends to vary over time, but most kids require some adult recognition of the problem and adjustments to limit their exposure to them. A variety of programs to desensitize kids to touch and sound sensitivities are being researched, and may offer hope in the future.
4. Communicate with other professionals and moms/dads, and learn from those who have crossed this bridge before you.
5. Consider supplementation. One supplement some moms and dads feel is helpful for a youngster with the disorder is vitamin B-6, which is taken with a magnesium supplement. The results of research studies are mixed on vitamin B-6 and magnesium supplementation. While many kids respond positively, some respond negatively or not at all.
6. Develop a consistent structure and routine. Children with Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism thrive best in an environment where things are predictable. They usually have great difficulty with unexpected change and lack of structure. So, have a schedule that your youngster follows every day, and do things in the same way. Some kids can cope with a free-time schedule and appraise the happenings of the day each morning. Others will need to be scheduled right down to the task of putting on clothing.
7. Do not expect your youngster to tolerate new people or group situations. If your youngster must be with a group, allow him or her a large personal space and opportunity for escape.
8. Find local support groups and parent network organizations for families of kids on the spectrum. Ask your doctor for referrals. Also, join online chat groups.
9. Get support for yourself. The burden of raising a youngster on the spectrum can be lightened by family, friends, community agencies, and others who have shared similar experiences. Gathering your support network involves knowing ahead of time whom you can call for different types of support (and emergencies), including: (a) emotional support (e.g., a close friend or family member who is a confidant and whom you trust with your most personal feelings and concerns), (b) social support (e.g., a friend or colleague you enjoy being with and who helps you survive disappointments and shares your victories), (c) informational support (e.g., your youngster's doctor, teachers, therapists, or other caregivers you can ask for advice on major decisions regarding his or her treatment), and (d) practical support (e.g., a neighbor or close friend who will help you out in a pinch).
10. Learn more about diet changes. Diet changes are based on the idea that food allergies and/or an insufficiency of a specific vitamin or mineral can cause symptoms of Asperger’s and HFA. If you decide to try a special diet for a given period of time, be sure you talk to your doctor and a registered dietitian. The youngster's nutritional status must be assessed and carefully measured. One diet that some moms and dads have found helpful is a gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet. Gluten is a casein-like substance found in wheat, oats, rye, and barley. Casein is the principal protein in dairy products such as milk. Ask for guidance from your youngster's doctor or nutritionist to ensure your youngster is getting adequate nutritional value from his or her diet.
11. Learn to live with some stereotypic behavior. When your youngster is in public, you want to train him or her to behave as well as possible, but at home, the child should have opportunity to just be himself or herself. Many self-stimulatory and characteristic behaviors serve a purpose. Thus, while it may seem advisable to try to prevent some of the more peculiar behaviors, it is extremely difficult to eliminate fixations entirely. Eliminated behaviors are typically and quickly replaced by another self-stimulatory or unusual behavior. The new behavior may or may not be more tolerable than the initial behavior, and programs to eliminate these behaviors must carefully consider the possible consequences.
Diminishing the frequency, or limiting the expression of stereotypic behavior to certain times and places, are the most reasonable goals. These are best accomplished by some disregarding, redirecting, or providing another task to focus on. Substitution or training to reduce some peculiar behaviors can help the youngster to appear less different in the school or community. This involves adult intervention and requires detection of equally reinforcing alternate behaviors. Any behavior to be changed will need to be replaced with a behavior that is at least as pleasurable to the youngster.
12. Look for warning signs that come before meltdowns. Once you can identify warning signs, you may be able to adjust the situation to prevent a meltdown. For many kids on the spectrum, a meltdown is their only method of communicating a need or distress. Other “typical” kids may be quite helpful in figuring out the message of a meltdown and the warning signs.
13. Plan outings with other families who have a youngster on the spectrum. There are many families who share your concerns and daily challenges. Talking openly with these families can give you new insight and better ways of coping.
14. Plan time for breaks. Many moms and dads of kids with Asperger’s and HFA feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and sometimes defeated. They talk about difficulties in their marriage and other relationships. While there is no quick fix for resolving negative emotions, you can take measures to protect yourself so your youngster's disorder does not get in the way of your physical or emotional health. Review your calendar weekly. In the midst of the many appointments your youngster might have with speech or occupational therapists or other health care professionals, write in "appointments" for yourself and your relationships. Schedule regular dates with your spouse, other kids in the family, and close friends.
15. Prepare your youngster for changes in routine. For some kids, this will require only a reminder of the next event (e.g., "First dinner, then bath"). For others, the use of pictures can help with the transition.
16. Protect your youngster from aggressive role models as much as possible. Kids with Asperger’s and HFA often copy behaviors without understanding why the other person did them. This “copy-cat behavior” is called echopraxia (i.e., the abnormal repetition of the actions of another person). This is similar to the echolalia (i.e., the echoing of words or phrases) many kids on the spectrum engage in. Both forms of echoing may occur immediately, or in a delayed fashion. Kids who are spanked or hit are more likely to hit others.
Those who observe violent behavior at home, in school or in the community, as well as in movies or cartoons, may also imitate it inappropriately. Decide which TV shows are appropriate for your youngster to watch. This will require considerable adult insight and the cooperation of all family members, including siblings.
17. Read all you can on Autism Spectrum Disorders so you understand the symptoms and behaviors and the differences in medications or alternative therapies.
18. Review the recommended treatment options. Experts agree that a youngster with Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism should receive treatment as soon after diagnosis as possible. There is no cure for autism spectrum disorders, but early intervention using skills training and behavior modification techniques can yield good results. This type of educational and behavioral treatment tackles autism-related symptoms (e.g., impaired social interaction, communication problems, repetitive behaviors, etc.), and can boost the youngster's chances of being able to go to school and participate in normal activities.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following techniques for helping a youngster with the disorder improve overall function and reach his or her potential: (1) speech therapy can help the youngster improve language and social skills to communicate more effectively; (2) occupational and physical therapy can help improve any deficiencies in coordination, muscle tone, and motor skills – and may also help the youngster to learn to process information from the senses (i.e., sight, sound, hearing, touch, and smell) in more manageable ways; and (3) behavioral training and management uses positive reinforcement, self-help, and social skills training to improve behavior and communication.
19. Teach your extended family members about the disorder. Many parents of children with Asperger’s talk about feeling isolated. Once a youngster is diagnosed, parents often find that some family members stop asking about the youngster, or the youngster is left out of birthday parties or other family gatherings. Sometimes siblings admit to feeling stressed, lonely, and even angry, as all attention is focused on their Asperger’s brother or sister.
While these feelings are natural, you can help your family members cope by educating them about the disorder and your youngster's specific needs. Training family members about the disorder and how to effectively manage the symptoms has been shown to reduce family stress and improve the functioning of the child. Some families will need more outside assistance than others depending on their internal functioning, established support systems, and financial situation.
20. Work closely with your child’s school. His or her curriculum will require a major focus on self-care and social skills. Deciding what your youngster needs to learn in school will depend on his or her unique features, level of intelligence, family setting, and need to function in the community. The family and school should decide together on the critical skills your youngster needs to develop, and then work together to train him or her to use these skills in a real life setting.
There's no doubt that raising a youngster with Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism is the ultimate parenting challenge. But with the necessary support and ongoing training, you and your family can learn how to cope and work as a team.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
