My son who has Asperger Syndrome , just joined a new school in UK came home today crying his heart out because his so called group of friends ran away from him and avoided him the whole day - and it just broke my heart. He is 14 years old and he faces this same problem when he joins a new school. He was so happy when he found this group but for whatever reason they decided to abandon him. I really hope I can get some help in dealing with this problem. It is so difficult trying to explain things to him about friendship and how to interact with his peers and being the new guy in school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter, who is four, has many great days at school. I know it takes everything in her to make the days great and she really lets us know at home!
I'm wondering if you have any advice regarding toilet training. My daughter has known when she needs to go since she was 19 months old. At home she does not wear a diaper until she requests one. She is embarrassed that she wears diapers as she's the only one at school who does. Even her sister who is not quite two is potty trained. This is really hard on her. I have stopped talking about the toilet with her as it causes her to become very upset. She will not sit on it even with a diaper on, even on the special seat she picked out. She won't use a little potty chair either. I'm not sure how to gently help her as everything I suggest is met with fury! I do know that she wants more than anything to be like the other kids and use the toilet.
Thank you for all your advice! I enjoy reading it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: Hi Mark, We have been clients of yours for years and have referred many people to your program. We now have an 18yr old college daughter who recently moved away to go to school. We have been using your program with her since she was 12. She is basically a good kid. Good grades, no drugs, no boy friends and healthy. She desparately wants her independence now and when she turned 18, last week went out and got herself a belly button ring (which were not opposed to, but she communicated it after the fact). We have always used the app Life 360 (gps tracking) for safety. She now refuses to allow us to use that on her phone. She feels that she is 18 now and can take care of herself. We discussed the only other option with her that we were comfortable with and that was to give us her roomates phone #'s and to text us when coming and going that she is safe. She doesn't want to do any of these and even suggested to us "you don't have to pay for me anymore if this is a problem." Are we being overly protective while she is away at school or is this a reasonable request? What should we do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I listened to your program again and am waiting for more. After
listening to your advice I figured out that my son with (HFA) got to
level 1. I am an very emotional person and as you know it is hard for
them to show reciprocation. I wound up trying to commit suicide while he
was with his PCA in Feb. woke up at the hospital and was sent to a
mental hospital but have been since the age of 13. I was there a month
and he thought I was going to be all better when I got back. I was not I
quit Methadone cold turkey in January he had wanted me to and I did in a
way but I also tried to commit suicide in January. which I went to jump
down the stairs he turned me the right way and I already had 2 slipped
discs and know have 3 but may have more will find out soon.
When he was a
young boy he always said he loved me and would hug me. I
guess looking back I never knew he had Asperger's except for when I did
go pick him up he was always alone and building these amazing things.
Also in pre-school we had EEE which told me he had fine motor skill
problems. It wasn't until he was about 8 I had to send him to a private
regular school because the place we lived at was bad and he would get
beat up or picked on when he walked home so that was the only option.
There after 2 years they tested him and told me he had (HFA) He came
home for the 7th and 8th grade but would only play video games or go on
his computer. I was the layed back parent and didn't really enforce
rules so no routines. I didn't know anything about his diagnosis maybe I
should have been a better parent and looked things up. In the 9th grade
is when he really started being defiant about anything I told him to do
so in turn I would give up or yell. The yelling really started when he
began to verbally abuse me and then I
would yell and swear.
When I came home from the hospital in March like I
said he thought I would be better but I had to crawl up my stairs I
couldn't cook do dishes anything so we started to argue so we're beyond
the cops. We realized plus he had been asking to leave. He went to
respite for a month in N.H. but HCRS couldn't pay anymore so the only
option was for him to temporarily be in the custody of DCF. He is now
doing great in school he worked in the summer and he was the only one
they asked to work in the fall around his school schedule. Everybody
loves him says he's polite well mannered will greet a person and look
them in the eye. He will be 16 next month and he seems to be on a power
kick because they asked him how often would he like phone calls he set a
certain day and time. Know that he's working I agreed that visitations
would be an issue. I feel like a failure why don't they make a position
for a person to learn what to do and help you
instead of having to leave them with the state? Also I feel like I'm
dead I have no other family except a cousin who lives an hour away with
no car either. I have no friends. It's been 5 months and I miss him so
bad I begged for him to come home and he told me not to go there.
What
do I do? This woman he is with is very nice and has had several children
with her and he likes it there. Should I fight to get him back or let
him stay with her where he is flourishing. I have heard I love you 3
times in 6 years. He is my life. Please send me some advice please. My
selfishness and ego because someone is doing what I should be doing ,
wants him back yet at the same time when I have seen him he's smiling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I have a daughter with Asperger's (9
years) and I am doing my Master's Thesis on girls with Asperger's.
Specifically, if there should be a different diagnosis for girls. I am
aware that the DSM-V has removed the diagnosis but also that there is a
lot of controversy over the new release.
Would you be willing to provide me with any information you
have about girls with Asperger's. Redacted case information would be
especially appreciated.
Thank you for your time,
Pamela
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, Mr. Hutton. I'll try to be brief. My
daughter Ellyn has an 11 year old, Colin, with asperger's. He has become
uncontrollable even though he has been in a special school for the past
two years. He has gotten worse, not better. Yesterday he was to see a
psychiatrist but I talked my daughter into buying your program instead. I
was convinced that there are ways to reach these kids with behavioral
techniques rather than therapy and medication.
Today I visited their house to help with a few things. All was
well until we were cleaning up from supper and Colin was told to feed
the dogs. This was a chore that would take all of one minute but he
refused. I immediately told him he could choose to feed the dogs, or if
(as he insisted) that he didn't feel well, he could go to his room and
lie down. It would be his choice. He said he felt well enough to get on
the computer, but not to feed the dogs. I told him the computer was not
one of his choices.
Suffice it to say that a royal meltdown ensued. He became
violent, he "ran away" in his stocking feet twice, he threatened
suicide, he screamed non-stop - and this went on for hours. We remained
calm and non-confrontational to no avail. He refused to go to his room
and hit me over and over. When I told him it was his choice not to have
the computer he simply screamed at the top of his lungs. After 3 hours
he was undaunted and still never went to his room. The rest of the
family was exhausted and in tears but he didn't care.
I now feel guilty for having my daughter cancel the
psychiatric appt. By the end of three hours I felt that the best
solution was for my beloved grandson to be put in some sort of facility
and removed from the home because no one has any peace due to his
behavior. He is a big child and cannot be physically restrained. With
these new violent tendencies I am afraid for the rest of the household.
My daughter is completely drained and I fear for her well-being as well.
I'm sure this is not a new story to you - but I am beyond
perplexed. This child we love so much is literally holding his family
hostage by his behavior - and he's only 11. I am frightened and shocked
and don't know what to do. I don't even know what to ask
except a reply that you have seen this before and the child doesn't
become a criminal. This one seems to be well on his way...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mr Hutten,
My husband & I listened to the online recording of the 45 min seminar today.
I was both relieved and encouraged by it! I was beginning to think I was the
worst parent on the planet.
I do know that I/we have a love of work ahead of us; but, you have
given me/us hope and encouragement!
My son is now 17yrs old; and, is failing all but 1 class in school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Greetings From Florida,
I would like to know
if you present workshops/training where I can receive my yearly hours
needed. I would have to be able to have a print out of the outline,
materials and/or a certificate.
If so, could you provide a list of the courses you offer.
Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you and hope you can meet this need because I enjoy your material.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I came across your website and I wanted to reach out. I work for a new CBS show and we are doing a
special on “out of control” teens. This can be anywhere
from intense anger to growing up too fast to being involved with sex
and drugs. I was wondering if you could spread the word about our show
and reach out to anyone who may be interested in participating and
sharing their story. My contact information is below.
Thanks so much!
Melissa Recine
Production Assistant
"Serch"
(a CBS Television Distribution Production)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for continuing to supply helpful, informative
resources and information pertaining to Asperger's. Your articles have
been a huge asset in helping us with our grandson (age 6) to provide
early intervention. We have provided some of the letters to his
teachers, and have found local intervention. He is doing much better
now thanks to the support of people like you who make a difference.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Donna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
Thanks for all your updates.
Our son is 15 years old and has Aspergers and ADHD.
He's at the stage where we really feel he should understand his 'needs' / diagnosis better.
We did tell him and do refer to it but now that he's getting older it
would really help if he under stud more to help him believe in
strategies to help him cope.
He's a real computer guy, biggest love is Gaming. We do to the best of our ability restrict this (Hard).
Its hard to get him to sit down with a book.
What advice would you give us please?
All thoughts greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am awaiting appointments to go and see someone locally about
getting a diagnosis for my nine year old daughter, but after reading up
on things I am inclined to believe that my girl may have High
Functioning Autism.
She has meltdowns over little things, is unable to
cope in a classroom environment but seems to do brilliantly one to one,
she will happily play with up to four other kids (her cousins) for a
while but then there's a fight and she storms off up to her room
believing she is being wrongfully punished (sometimes she is), she
blames computers and other technical gadgets when she loses a game and
will often take her temper out on it, if she makes a mistake (even if
over something small) she slaps herself in the face and no amount of me
telling her not to will prevent it the next time, when I tell her things
i seem to need to over clarify them to her (such as this afternoon,
telling her not to take my cellphone outside apparently meant to her
that it was okay to take it out of the house but not down the back
yard), she's started crying when i leave her at school in the mornings
but she's started making her own breakfast and lunch and is eager to get
there right up until the point of seperation, and she comes down really
hard on herself when things don't go right, to the point of telling me
that she will leave because i deserve a better kid.
When i told her we were gonna get someone to help her learn how
to make friends she gave me the biggest thank you hug like i'd just
given her a present she'd been hoping for. I haven't told her about
Autism yet although she has heard a description of it as being 'someone
who's brain works a little differently'' because a neighbour's grand
daughter has autism, and got thoroughly confused when my girl told her
that "I'm a boy and my name is Jai" when her grandmother told her that
my kid is a girl whose name is Krysta. She's been adamant for almost a
year now that she's a boy, cos she started watching a cartoon about
lego ninja's, called Ninjago. And in that, there's four brothers who
are ninja, and the girl character is a Samurai cos only boys can be
ninja's. So Krysta's logic is that she has to be a boy so that she can
be a ninja. I've had talks with her, her grandmother ridicules her,
(which i know doesn't help, but how do you tell your almost seventy
year old mother to back the hell off), and she's persistant to the point
where she has actually told a teacher at school that she's growing a
penis.
On top of all that going on, in the last few months
we've had to deal with getting off the lease in a share accommodation
situation turning toxic due to verbal and emotional domestic violence
towards me by another flatmate, to the point where we were too scared to
come out of our rooms without knowing where he was and if it was safe
to do so. She saw me go through all that... we ended up going to a
cheap hotel for a week while i sought help from a tenancy advocacy
crowd to get off the lease, and I know that she will have internalised a
lot of that stress, but i had nowhere to send her (solo mother) while i
went through it.
So with all that rambling and offloading.... I actually do have a question. Somewhere. lol.
Even
before diagnosis, and perhaps even after if they don't diagnose HFA,
will your course still help me make things easier for her in regard to
relating to others, picking up social clues, calming down easier,
transitioning between tasks at school and home easier, and getting her
off this whole "I'm a boy" kick? If it will help, I'm considering
getting it in a few days, but I don't have money to put into something
that won't assist me.
She's been to a paediatrician who said that she doesn't need to be
medicated, but he mentioned nothing about autism and i don't know if he
even knew about it. So the psychologist we will be seeing towards the
end of the month, who specialises in children under 12, will hopefully
shed more light on what's going on.
I hope at least some of this email makes sense, i'm
just trying to find ways to help her based on the behaviours she's
presenting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten,
My 12yo son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD/NVLD and has
been seeing a Psychologist and Medical Doctor for his depression (is
taking Zoloft) but nothing sees to help. His father and I recently
divorced and he is not liking that I am dating someone. He has frequent
meltdowns and argues with me constantly. He is failing in school but is
very smart. He has always had a problem with math and his nerological
tests show that he has Dyscalculia. His father doesn't help at all just
tells me that taking him to all of these doctors are making matters
worse. I just don't know what else to do to help him. Can you give me
any advice?
- Exhausted mama
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
was wondering if you could help me. I am a single mom parenting a very
smart, previously more often than not “happy to be with me” child. She
was diagnosed with aspergers at age 4 and has had early interventions
since Pre-K (social worker, OT/PT, counselor at school, ) and has an IEP
and does very well in 4th grade. She is pretty and very
smart but over the course of the last 2 years I cannot get her to listen
or comply – she back talks, does her own thing, gets very angry at me – I
used to think I had a handle on this but it is very, very, very
difficult. If you could offer and advice, support groups in the Albany
NY area – anything – I would be very appreciative.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also, I have a question. Son (a 12 year old
8th grader) was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. Outside of some
minor behavioral concerns regarding what I now know were associated "meltdowns"
in certain classrooms over the years, have never noticed any real impact on
academics. Thus, didn't feel the need for a 504 or IEP. However,
this year he is taking both geometry and Spanish I (high school credit bearing
courses) at his middle school. Despite getting permission to provide an
online setting for his Spanish I class that would be more conducive to his
success, he was placed in an overcrowded classroom of 30 students (he was
30th). Classroom is small, so desks are tight. Teacher is very rigid
and has not been helpful despite our reaching out to meet and request
strategies. (All factors that are not conducive to son's success given he
is classic Aspergers when it comes to distractions and difficulty following
string of commands, etc. Is becoming frustrated with rigidity of teacher
and acting out.) Grade is suffering. Threats of giving detention
instead of implementing strategies. School administrator inferring that
this is about the grade and a teacher/student personality clash has determined
that child must remain in class through end of nine week period. Was
initially told child could move immediately by guidance who is now backtracking
and stalling. Any suggestions?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter has an 9 yr old with Aspergers. He frequently launches into
a rage or a meltdown. My Daughter says the child's psychiatrist says
to physically restrain him with her body by wrapping her arms around
him during these episodes. The restraining is horrific, my grandson is
traumatized during these restraining. It is horrible to witness for
everyone. This has been going on for over a year. I do not see any
improvement. I cannot believe this is a positive experience under any
circumstances. I have asked my daughter to seek out another
psychiatrist. My daughter continues to physically restrain with her own
body and it is a physical battle. Any advice?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark, I’m glad I became a subscriber
today. I’ve been following My Aspergers Child page & Parenting
Aspergers Children Support Group for several weeks now & it has helped me
better understand how my son try’s to express himself. My wife & I
are attending a 2 hour seminar this Saturday at the Ryan Woods Autism
Foundation. I know I’ve been in denial for along time now about my son
and have to face the fact that he will never be a typical teenager & will
always struggle with social issues. Its been difficult to say the least &
our father/son relationship is almost nonexistent. My wife & I have lost
touch with each other and our marriage is suffering. I know we need marriage counseling,
parenting classes, family counseling etc,. As well as work groups for my son to
socialize with teens his own age. It feels good just writing to you about all
our issues. I need to be able to talk about it to relieve all the built up
stress & anxiety I am constantly feeling. Feels like an emotional rollercoaster.
We live in CT so if you have any advice on where to go for support or help in
these areas it would be greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is 16 and resently became aggressive towards his tutor. He is a
wonderful child with a lot of empathy towards others. He has been
diagnosed with aspergers when he was 9. This is new to us and I want to
deal with it in the correct way because his emotional stability is very
important to all of us. He has an older sister of 18.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I
recently read your ebook and think it will be very helpful for a lot of
conflicts my husband and I have. However, we have a regular recurring
issue that, each time it comes up, it becomes an increasingly worse
scenario and I am having trouble framing it within the guidelines your
book suggests. You see, my husband does not “have my back” if you will. Our
son could be beaten up at one of his family events and when I ask for
us to leave, he won’t “because we need to be there to support his
family”. Or
when I have disagreed with him mom about my own personal needs, he
believes his mom makes better decisions about my life and my needs than I
do. The
last time a conflict between us and his family came up even involved
the police! And we’re good people. I’ve never had the police involved
in my life! I
feel increasingly minimalized, alone, disrespected, and unsupported.
Sometimes, I even think I’m going crazy? (I mean, I’m sitting here
holding a 7 year old who just got brutalized by an older cousin and I’m
the only one that thinks we need to take him away from the situation and
to get medical attention? Are we not both experiencing the same
situation?)
So, I tried to frame this issue in your rules and this is what I got:
'When
we are in a conflict between your family and our family, you take your
family’s side. It creates a problem for me because I feel rejected,
invalidated, and unsupported. I know that you usually let me handle my
own conflicts and conflicts involving the children because you haven’t
heard me ask you for help very often but I’d rather we come up with a
plan where you choose me and the kids over your family when I choice is
presented.'
Somehow
I don’t think he’ll understand. He often doesn’t understand when I
even ask him what his goal is when we’re arguing or he doesn’t
understand the idea of putting me and the kids above others. Do
you have some guidance? I’m at the end of my rope. 12 long years of
marriage, not feeling understood, protected, and heaven forbid
cherished… Thank you if you made it this far through this rambling email!
Answer: First
of all, be sure to listen to all the audio files on your download page
(and if you can get your husband to listen as well, that would be
ideal).
RE: "So, I tried to frame this issue in your rules and this is what I got: When
we are in a conflict between your family and our family, you take your
family’s side. It creates a problem for me because I feel rejected,
invalidated, and unsupported. I know that you usually let me handle my
own conflicts and conflicts involving the children because you haven’t
heard me ask you for help very often but I’d rather we come up with a
plan where you choose me and the kids over your family when I choice is
presented."
A
couple revisions are needed here. I'll just do a bit of a re-write
(please review the reframing business again when you get time).
REVISION:
"When
a
couple is in conflict over their extended family members (i.e.,
in-laws), I know it's easy for a person to take his biological family’s
side because - after all - it's his family, family bonds are strong, and
he really loves them. But I’d rather we come up with a
plan where we put our marriage first, because our marriage is the
foundation for our future. We will be together long after our parents
are gone. Don't you think?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Dr. Hutten:
Recently, your website page was posted on our facebook page. Very appreciated!
However, the reason for my email is to see if you would be interested in contributing
to our Parent Magazine on Aspergers? OF course, I can spend time over the next week and
review many of your articles and request specific ones, however, before doing so,
I wanted to receive permission and see if you would be interested in this opportunity.
We have over 75,000 readers from our Autism Notebook and over 95,000 from our Parent Notebook.
Our
Parent Notebook explores all abilities, however, we have a Learning
Differences section and we are the leading resource in the S.Florida
region who supports children in this area.
Of
course, The Autism Notebook would most certainly be considered as well.
However, I am fully responsible for the content of our Parent Notebook
and our educators have been asking for more support in this area for
their families.
Just wanted to reach out and
see if there's an interest to work on a new title(or titles), and
permission to reprint a current article if we find one that would fit
upcoming issues.
Warm regards,
Lori Swetoha
Publisher / Editor in Chief
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: Hi Mark, I recently purchased a copy of your e-book as I only discovered that my 16 year old has Aspergers. His obsession is with guns and the military. He is currently in High School and seem to have no interest in pursuing a University education at this time. He is doing very well academically with minimal effort. He is currently in therapy with a Cognitiive Behavioural Therapist, who is trying to get him to change his interests and want him to stop focusing on his obsession with guns. I am thinking that changing his obsession is a futile exercise as he seems not to be able to do so. He is now beginning to think that the therapy sessions are a waste of time as she is trying to interest him in other areas to which he is not interested. Is a career in the military a good option for him and should I try to encourage him in this direction.
Answer: As mentioned in my material, parents should take an Aspergers child's "passion" and use that passion (i.e., special interest) to help the child mold it into something positive (which can be done in most cases no matter what the passion). In keeping with this philosophy, military school might be nothing short of perfect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: I found your ebook and my husband and I are both
reading and listening to the materials. My husband is 66 and we have
been married for 27 years. He was diagnosed a few MONTHS ago. You can
imagine the ball of tangled string that exists in our marriage. We live
about 15 miles from Memphis, TN. We have tried several counselors with
poor results because no one recognized Aspergers. Since the diagnosis,
we have read several books and all of them tell us that if we seek
counseling, it has to be someone who has knowledge and experience
working with adults who have Aspergers. I have not been able to find
anyone who meets that criteria in this area. I am hoping that you may
have knowledge of some resources for us…even if we have to drive 200
miles!
Answer: I have two therapists that I would recommend in your area:
Janis G. Neece, PhD
Cherokee Health Systems
7714 Corner Road, Ste. 105
Powell, TN 37849
Phone: (865) 947-6220
or
Cherokee Health Systems
6350 West Andrew Johnson Highway
Talbott, TN 37877
Phone: (423) 317-9344, ext. 3
and...
Karen L. Weigle, PhD
The TEAM Centers, Inc.
Director of Clinical Services and The Chattanooga Autism Center
Medical Towers, Suite 102
1000 East Third Street
Chattanooga, TN 37404
Phone: (423) 622-0500
Good luck,
Mark Hutten, M.A.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is 4 nearly 5 and over the last 2 years or so he has been showing
some signs of something but im not 100% sure as to what. He has very
violent meltdowns where he is kicking, screaming, biting, lashing
out. He does droning humming, pulling at his clothes, walking on his
toes, doesn't like certain foods, likes set routines, gets very anxious,
shakes, clicks tongue, he only has 1/2 friends at school, tends to
play on his own more that with the other kids, is over higher
intelligence than his peers and doing very well at school. He doesn't
always make eye contact when he is speaking or spoken to. He has an
obsession on wheels and putting things straight and neat. Yes he can
play quite happily on his own or with his coupla of friends and he can
empathise when he notices that there is an upset etc. He also doesn't
take turns and he is very literal.
I have taken him to 2 gps who
have both referred him to 2 different paediatric people and each time
he has been well behaved and they have both dismissed him and his
problems do2n to his age and anger problems. When I saw the first
specialist I didnt know that his father and his fathers brother have
both got aspergrs but I did when I saw the other specialist last week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter was diagnosed with the complexities of early childhood bi-polar illness
since 8 years old, (and medicated well) as well as Asperger's syndrome
(diagnosed around 11 years old), she exists with mixed state bipolar and
anxiety disorder to the point that she is barely functioning today.
She is still under the public school with an IEP, although she has
completed her academics, and the focus is on independent living skills
and vocational readiness/training with a job coach. These programs are
both well suited to her; but fears, paranoia and anxiety prevent her
attending. While her adolescent psychiatrist and her psychologist (who
specializes in AS) are both working hard with her and seem to be on
target, she remains virtually non-functional as her anxiety and
OCD/obsessive componants rise and she cycles all day long. It is
exhausting for her and for me. She functions like a 4 - 5 year old
emotionally, although she has normal intelligence with some learning
disabilities. She has not attended any program, school or left the
house for almost 5 weeks now - which she has gone through before - and
is resistent to any self care. Over this summer, she tried to be
independent and on her own (living with a close family friend in their
two room with a bathroom guest space) but she failed miserably by week
three, although stuck it out another three weeks. Disheartened,
embarrassed and realizing how hard it is, she has given up on that dream
of independence - at least for now.
I want to help her regain
belief in herself and give her a bit more of a push to get on with life,
go to program and try again to gain those independent skills - without
causing more agitation and aggression toward me or her fearing that she
will be abandoned because she can not succeed. She is complex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I have
been married for 22 years and have two daughters, aged 15 & 12. We
both work, I am en event manager and my wife has her own psychology
practice.
A
couple of things really stand out about our eldest daughter. She has
always had a very oppositional temperament. In the early stages, around 3
and 4 years old, this manifested in her crying uncontrollably every day
when being left and picked up from the child care centre. The carers at
the centre said that they had never seen a child do this before. She
appeared to be quite shy and very attached to my wife.
We
have since discovered that she has a very low zinc level and must take
supplements and her ability to read and comprehend situations is very
immature. We suspect that underlying this is an immense anxiety that
when confronted by pretty much anything results in a furious reaction.
Academically, she is below average, despite ongoing tutoring.
At
around 8 years old it became evident to us that she would never back
down in a situation she did not agree with (with us) or when she would
not comply with a request from us. We have never been violent, but there
have been some very loud exchanges. As I mentioned she won’t back down,
so there were occasions when I would forcibly take her to her room; she
would then continue to trash her room in anger. After realising that
this approach had no effect whatsoever, our engagement in approaching
conflict shifted dramatically. When a situation arose, we would try and
resolve quickly and not engage is discussion. Two years ago we did get
her to complete a number of neurofeedback sessions, which didn’t really
seem to have any noticeable effects.
We
have attempted a number of strategies to try and create a more serene
household as my daughters demanding behaviour has steadily increased and
her desire to have things completely her own way has steadily
escalated. This has a direct impact on the mood/ environment of our
household. Not knowing how she will respond means that we are always on
alert. Whilst we have explained as well as we can to our 12yo, it
greatly impacts her life as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I would like to take the time to Thank you for sending all these
information. I also would like to let you know that Bailey has come
around full circle. I have tried several different therapist and I have
found one that Bailey has opened up too so much. This Psychatrist
suffered thru alot of what Bailey has gone thru and it's just amazing
how he has turned around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is Mrs. Moore. I am a special education teacher and I was
wondering if your online course would work for teachers as well as
parents? I have a student with autism and oppositional defiant disorder.
His mom has taken him off his medicine and refuses to give him any. His
behavior has gone from wonderful to uncontrollable in a matter of
weeks. I am truly at my wit's end, feel like i've tried all the tricks
of the trade and then some, and I don't know what to do!!!
Thanks for your time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know it's funny to read how you describe "out if control teens",
it's as if you had met me before. I have stolen from my parents ATM card
credit card, I once even bankrupted my dad while he was in vacation I
stole countless times my parents cars and guess they know, and they
can't do anything about. They did call the cops once but he didn't do
much. But see I'm invincible many of us " out of control teens" are too
powerful, we can read parents before they act. Were high deceptive and
we will always be a problem to society, you know why? Cause you don't
know what to do with us nor does the government. With the prison
population increasing beyond the limit.. Who know what could happen.
ahah but I like your website. So with a child like me what would you
recommend to my parents?
Omar Mostafa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've been enjoying your blog with articles and feel I am learning
everyday. We have a 15 year old son Vincent, diagnosed at age 3 1/2 with
Aspergers. We were fortunate enough to have enrolled Vincent in a
social skills summer camp here in Buffalo NY from age 6-11. Every year
is a new challenge! This year has been extreme with explosive outbursts
at home, sometimes leads to meltdowns and him crying with feeling sorry
for himself, worried about girls, bullied in hallways at school, he
feels bullied online, likes call of duty and my little pony! He does see
a psychologist every other week and a psychiatrist once a month. He
takes meds for attention, mood stabilizer and depression. Life isn't fun
here anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,my name is chalina ,I was reading all your stuff online n everything I
read was...hey thats this family,thats wht my daughter does,I swore I
was alone...im lost..completely lost.my daughter is 12 n I just got her n
her brother back from there grandma about 3 months ago,ive talked 2
every1 I could that might have some ideas...let me explain A bit,I got
incarecerated when my children were 1 n 2 yrs old,I got out when they
were 7 n 8 but during those yrs my kids were sent to there dad who held
them hostage and did some messed up stuff to my babies,he was placed in
prison n my mom got them,then my mom lost them to c.p.s. for abuse n
neglect,was placed in a few foster homes,cps gave them back to her after
I got out,I got back on drugs when I got out of prison,about 3 yrs ago I
got clean and started physically going to my moms to visit them,I
wouldnt before because I didnt want my kids to see me high but I always
wrote and called them faithfully,anyways I got clean, was constantly in
my kids lives,I even lived near them n they would come spend the night
every weekend,and things were good,things happened again with there
grandma n them so I stepped in and removed them,my kids begged to live
with me.well during the time I got clean til now I got disabled,im bed
bound now,n my health is very poor,im only 33 and my medical issues are
going to be taking my life sooner then most,alot sooner.well since my
daughter moved in shes so angry,she lies constantly and
steals,yelling,screaming,she wont do what shes told,im so lost.my kids
know mommy is very sick,and stress is not suppose to be going on for
me,my home doctor said it will kill me faster,my daughter knows this but
yet she keeps going n going..she gets in my face and she gets so mean
with her brother,which my son absolutely loves his sister,but she will
treat him bad at times,my spouse is also my caretaker,she trys so hard
to defuse the situation but my daughter gets worse.yesterday she had me
hysterically crying over the things she was saying,n so stressed out I
was throwing up and ended up taking my nitro for my heart.im
emailing you to beg for advice,for help,because of my issues I dont
have the money to buy your books,it all goes on bills,medical and im
barely making ends meet, I read all I could on your site and I felt I
wasnt alone for once,that others have been there.since I cant afford it I
was hoping you could give me some advice,anything at all would
help.thats why I gave you some information about her past n mine, I know
im not the best parent I was young and stupid and an addict,its no
excuse at all,Im just scared my daughter will walk my old path.i want to
leave this world knowing my daughter loves me,and knows that I LOVE HER
MORE THEN THIS LIFETIME,and that her heart and head isnt so heavy.n
that shes heading in a good direction...im scared,im
lost,confused,hurt...its
1:59am
right now,and I cant sleep because ive been searching for help,answers,
suggestions,SOMETHING.my babies have been thru alot,much more then most
children and It kills me that im trying to reach out to my baby girl
but I cant reach her.i dont know what to do,the only thing ibDO KNOW is
th a t I LOVE HER and I WANT TO HELP HER,TO HELP THIS WHOLE FAMILY,I
have her in counseling,my aunt takes her since my spouse cant leave me,I
cant go to her meetings,cause I cant walk,im bed bound.and I want to
help her so bad...I want to get her and I close..I want her having good
memories before I go,not these ones..she basically said she hates me n
couldnt care if I died...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question:
Hello Mark, My daughter is still at home with extremely
inconsistent ability to care for herself in all manners - bathing, self care,
room care, basic cooking, clean up, laundry are rarely accomplished
independently during the year. She can barely get to school regularly. She
remains in her room, unshowered and only reading or watching Anime for the past
5 weeks, unable to get out of her room for more than 15 minutes and certainly
not to school or to the internship at a job. My question then: are there materials
or strategies you have - or resources you can suggest that I can use which
might address the significant anxiety and OCD factors that limit her
interactions and abilities and keep her very stuck? she does see a
therapist weekly and an adolescent psychiatrist; and is medicated with
risperdal, topomax, zoloft and wellbutrin. She is now 20 years old, still
under the public school until 21 years old, with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS,
childhood bi-polar illness (always in a mixed-state) with anxiety issues, OCD
and social phobia most prevelant at this time. Of course, the mixed state
of her mood instability and agitation factors add another layer to her daily
challenges...and to my challenges! Thank you for any suggestions you have to
offer.
Answer:
RE:
My question then: are there other materials or strategies you have - or
resources you can suggest that I can use which might address the significant
anxiety and OCD factors that limit her interactions and abilities and keep her
very stuck?
Also,
a diagnosis of both Aspergers and Bipolar is especially problematic because
there are fundamental differences between ‘Aspergers mood states’ versus ‘mood
states of a child without Aspergers’. Four specific domains need to be
considered in the process of diagnosis:
• ‘Psychosocial masking’ make some unusual behaviors seem like disorders when
they are not.
• ‘Intellectual distortion’ involves confusion in communication; a person may
say she is afraid instead of angry.
• ‘Cognitive disintegration’ may interfere with proper diagnosis since a child
may exhibit odd behavior in response to seemingly insignificant occurrences.
• ‘Baseline exaggeration’ differences suggest that unusual base behaviors can
interfere with proper diagnosis.
Try
to find a child and adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in autism spectrum
disorders.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
Hi Mark, So
far, your ebook and your email help has really been life-changing. I
feel like once I got over my resentment, forgave my husband for past
transgressions, and moved forward in a neutral state with your ideas,
life has gotten so much easier. Now,
I’d really like to have him listen to the audio files with me. I
listened myself (and found myself saying, “yep” over and over again
while doing so) but I can see a world of benefit in having him listen,
as well. I feel like I need to tell him I believe he has Asperger’s
before I introduce the audio, though. I want to play up the benefits
and make him feel good about it because I know that he’ll shut down if I
don’t tread extremely carefully and I don’t know if we can recover from
that. How would you tell a husband he likely has Asperger’s syndrome?
I know you touched on it in the ebook but I really don’t want to screw
this one up. Thanks in advance!
ANSWER:
Re: How would you tell a husband he likely has Asperger’s syndrome? ==> Keep
it very simple and short - just as described in the eBook (I think I
gave you a line or two that you can recite exactly as is). But
then the rest is up to him. You are just planting seeds right now.
Don't go for the big win - instead, chip away at his defenses one small
tap at a time.
Mark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: I am intrigued by your success, however, I am not a parent of a child
with aspergers, I teach an 8th grader who just began receiving special
education services with a diagnosis of Aspergers. Honestly, I have been
skeptical about the diagnosis, but I am more convinced that she
definitely has the emotional problems associated with Aspergers. She is
a delightful child and very smart. The problem comes in when she has
to do any school work that she feels is pointless or hard. Whatever the
reason, she just shuts down, does nothing, and won't communicate.
After 2 months of trying to figure it all out, I'm not much closer to
an answer. Her mom is feeling the same frustration and I will certainly
pass along your information to her, but do you have any resources for
teachers?
Answer:
Click here for highly effective teaching strategies -- specific to the Aspergers condition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
