My 15-year-old stepson with Asperger's lives with his mother. Although we have joint custody, it is difficult to get him to want to spend any time with us or at our home. Unfortunately his mother is the type who refuses to co-parent with us. Requests to discuss the behavior of and expectations for my stepson go ignored. Sadly, there are other issues with her as she has been diagnosed as a sociopath, and she deliberately talks poorly about her son's father directly to him. We've learned through years of trial and error that she will not be cooperative, nor are we trying to control her. But when it comes to our son, we're to a point in his development where he has become verbally abusive and extremely rude and uncooperative with our entire side of the family. And his mother encourages this. We're somewhat at a loss on how to move forward.
I can see the value of reading the e-book regardless, just to educate ourselves and maybe improve our dealings with this child. I guess what I'd like to know is do you feel it's possible to implement the tactics in your book if the custodial parent, who he spends a good 90% of his time with, will not provide any consistency and will fight us every step of the way?
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I have a 19 year old son, Mitchell, living at home with me and over the past year, since graduation, he has spiralled down hill in many regards to his Aspergers. However, he refuses to believe or even to contemplate or entertain the thought that he does have Aspergers. He tells me he will "die inside" if he is told he has Aspergers and states further that anyone who diagnoses him with Aspergers will be wrong.
He has been under psychiatric care since he was 4 years old and was then diagnosed with Tourette's, ADHD and OCD. He has been through the public school system with lots of supports in place which included attending the schools designed here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with the programs I felt would fit him best. He has been on medications since his first diagnosis and now on Luvox (300 mg/day) and Seraquel (50mg at hs for sleep only). When he entered high school with a population of 2400 students, I was scared and then even more mortified when he refused ANY assistance or supports. However, he managed and not only obtained his diploma (with minimal requirements) he was the MC for his graduation commencement ceremonies in front of 5000 people! This is as short as a story as I can manage in so far as his history.
Approximately 18 months ago, both his psychiatrist and his therapist began to speak to him about the possibility of Aspergers and/or depression. Mitchell began then to dig his heels in and will only go see his psychiatrist if I tell him he will not live here without psychiatric help from his doctor. I have called in the Mental Health Crises team to our home just last week as I was sure Mitchell was going through (as did his psychiatrist) a psychosis.
My question to you, without writing a book about it, is where is the line between Aspergers and schizophrenia?! I have researched both and both seem to carry the same criteria except for his obsessions with British Royal history and families, trains and the titanic. PLUS he has been able to maintain a part time job at Safeway as a cashier and is reliable although often late getting to his job due to his off set sleeping routine. He has definite hygiene issues and has gone as long as three weeks without a shower, six months without a haircut, days before he brushes his teeth, refuses to put any sheets on his bed, his room is a disaster and does not seem to flinch if someone tells him he stinks! Recently I have made him sign a contract with me stating he will shower and brush his teeth every day, as well as 8 other contractual items and he will adhere to these or I will help him find an apartment. He still believes NOTHING is wrong with him. He became so angry he poured salt all over the kitchen floor so as I would step in it the next morning, and following that morning he had laced my coffee maker with salt..."because I feel mad." Believe me, I have poured the consequences on him but I have not yet used your advice from your web sites/books as I just came across them this morning. I will certainly try all of it! I am desperate. But I am also worried that what I am seeing is schizophrenia and from researching this mental illness it seems as though a person with schizophrenia will not believe they are sick either! PLUS, what kind of consequences does a parent give to a 19 year old? I realize I can take away internet, perhaps charge him more for rent (currently he is very good about paying me 275/month for rent and cell phone), or not drive him anywhere as he says he is too lazy to get a licence. He is taking cabs if I refuse or cannot take him to work and paying for it himself, and will take the bus on his own money.
I will try to not write anymore as I am not too sure I will hear back from you. Perhaps someone like you who will "hear" me and respond to me as a professional over email is too much for me to believe! I hope to hear from you, don't get me wrong...I just need some reassurance from you about my son whom I love so dearly and want nothing more for him but independence, friends and good mental health. My family of origin is full of clinical depression as well we are all on medication for depression and have been since 1981. My one sister is a social worker, the other a psychiatrist. My mom was a public health RN and my father a retired dentist and unfortunately an alcoholic. Not only do I have 10 years of Al Anon, I have an RN degree as well and I work as an Educational Assistant in the public schools with special need students. So there really is nothing you can tell me that will not surprise me!
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ODD Aspergers and the lack of expertise in England especially for adults. For the last 30 years I have struggles with insoluble problems caused by a “high IQ” Aspergers male, Pieter Grootendorst. He is only one year younger than you, ie. born 4th January 1957. Fair to say he had poor parenting and 9 years in the Dutch navy as an electronic weapons engineer did nothing to improve his inadequate social skills. He is almost completely incommunicative and “unavailable” when he is with me, yet extremely jealous and resentful of my outside interests and activities.
Sadly his whole family, probably on both parental sides may have had several members with autism/aspergers undiagnosed. This was discovered through extensive enquiries about him and his siblings, parents, medical history, etc in 2001. The diagnosis of Aspergers was conclusive but did not address his lack of hygiene and oppositional defiance. There was no support after diagnosis then or now. As soon as I got his diagnosis I attempted to help him socialise with group activities. I was founder member of Sidcup Community Group with a dear older friend, Peter Scopes, who is now 85 with Parkinson’s disease. Although I won Millennium Champion awards for my civic good deeds, I am powerless to help myself against Pieter’s escalating ill-nature and defiance.
Was I in denial that there is mental illness in Pieter’s paranoia, his negligence and spitefulness, unreasonable aggression and abusiveness in general?
He has had several years of anti-violence training after attacking me in the classic way that such weak bullies do, but there is no genuine improvement just the fear of being arrested again which would result in a criminal record. He has no remorse or regret and I now lead a separate life. Police who have called over the years to “domestic” incidents have told me they believe he is mentally unstable, since he cries and whines like a 5 year old when confronted by third parties, and after his violent outbursts. They were called again today.
Over the years he has proved extremely manipulative and immature which is a worry since he is on a research project for high IQ Aspergers with anxiety since 2011. There are two leads on this lucrative project but they have shown not even the slightest interest in each person with the result that instead of ten or a dozen in his group, there are only 4 getting CBT once per week for the last 10 weeks. I have no idea what this CBT is supposed to achieve - to me seems completely un-person-centred. Only he and three others go so there is no excuse for not addressing each one’s individual issues. His defiance has grown exponentially and the police were called by neighbours because I was at screaming pitch today when he refused to do essential tasks. The most apt description for him isl “can’t work, won’t work”. I notice he dare not defy his employer and manager but he is completely disrespectful and uncaring at home.
I myself am probably on the over-empathic, sensitive, creative side of Aspergers, as I had gut problems and food intolerance as a baby and our family has atopical eczema, asthma and other auto-immune diseases.
My older brother, Frank, who was a practising solicitor in London, like my mother, appears completely dysfunctional, eg. very charming on the surface but irresponsible, with Diogenes syndrome which has made his lovely house into an almost derelict wreck in a very residential road, close to Richmond Park.
Hence, Pieter has displayed a natural affinity with Frank, who I am sorry to report may be a misogynist as well. Pieter seems to find favour with unsavoury characters who he mistakes for friends. In fact he has no friends even at work.
Unfortunately my ability to step into the breach and resolve the continual incompetence and problems has been eroded due to my own fragile state of health. Even before the diagnosis I suffered with stress-related illnesses such as urticaria, digestive problems and sleep disturbances. It has got to the stage where I have panic attacks. He remains convinced of his own superiority but I cannot exist in a fool’s paradise since his conduct and attitude is worse than ever. My friends and I believe that he is unable to be a home-owner as he refuses to do routine maintenance and chores which is the reason each time that the police are called either by me or the neighbours. I am trying to persuade him to find rented accommodation where he can rely on the landlord to carry out all the repairs and improvements he is unwilling to do and has never done willingly or to an acceptable standard.
It may be interesting for all your readers to know that as far as I can assess only fear of his employment ending makes him co-operative and obedient at work while his misbehaviour over 30 years is that of a mutinous and hormonal teen not a man of 56. I now understand he will sink into senility with no improvement because he cannot see the mote in his own eye. What is worse is the arrogance and complacence of the medical practitioners, many of whom show unmistakable lack of empathy and understanding. With all good wishes to you for your amazing articles.
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I have a son 18 years old who is on autism spectrum (PDD-NOS).
Before 3 years ago he was sexually attacked by a peer who is also on the spectrum.
Before he was attacked he had meltdowns, but not like in the last 3 years.
He was hospitalized 4 times at a psychiatric hospital because of the meltdowns and because in the last meltdowns he destroyed the house and attacked me.
He is on psychiatric pills: Seroquel 200 mg – 3 times a day, Zyprexa 5 mg 2 times a day and Clonex 3 times a day 0.5 mg.
He has also ADHD and he si taking Ritalin 30 mg LA only when he is studying. From april he si not studying so he is without Ritalin.
Last meltdown was on last sundat 4 august because it was his birthday and friends didn't call him to tell him happy birthday.
He begun to tell to his father that he wants to die because he is alone.
From the hsospital told me not to bring him to the hospital if he have a meltdown because the medication is working.
When he is in hospital after one day he is ok, not meltdowns, not nervous because the have a very tight program there.
The told me that a psuchotic process begin.
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Hi! My name is Juliana and I am 16 with Aspergers. With school making a comeback, I am feeling stressed out and meltdownish. I HATE having a meltdown! I feel out of control and I don't understand what feelings I feel only that they make my chest hurt because they're negative emotions. And Mom talks all gentle and sometimes she tries to hug me and she looks so tense. I need her to talk normal but quiet because her talking too loud hurts and I need a familiar voice, and not touch me unless I say because it feels itchy and WRONG, and to not visibly tense up 'cause then I tense up more. How do I tell her this? I WILL have a meltdown at least once this year, so she needs to know this. Please help me help my momma.
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My 23 year old son is now estranged from me...he is my only child. He began smoking pot and drinking when he was 18 and I was not totally aware of it. He kept going to college classes but always dropped out even though he scored very high on his SAT's. He got into trouble with the law re: smoking pot and drinking. I tried to get him into rehab (he said he did not need it, he just used pot as a way of self-medicating). He refused to go to rehab so I kicked him out (about the 10th time)....he just stayed at friends and slept in cars during the winter when he had nowhere to go.
During this time, he met a very disturbed girl (bi-polar, etc.) who was raised by her grandparents because both parents were in jail. Her grandparents tried to raise her, but, the mother's values seemed to have rubbed off on her. She does not work and plans on raising a family with my son on welfare. My son grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, but, that does not seem to matter to him. He has slept in cars and in trailer parks before.
This girl is totally controlling. She does nothing but follow him around all day. She made him quit his job because he did not make enough money (he was a waiter at a hot dog joint). He was always a very hard worker with an unbelievable work ethic; he just was working well beneath his ability. My son cannot make any life decision, so he lets her do it.
She hates me because I do not approve or their relationship. They live in a 1 bedroom apt. with 5 cats and a hampster with no furniture except the bed the grandparents and I bought for them. She is totally lazy and disrepectful and wants me to apologize to her for not supporting them (financially and emotionally).She does not allow him to answer his phone and texts me pretending that she is my son. She texted me the other day (under the guise of being my son) and told me that they no longer want me in their life because I cause them too much unhappiness. A few months ago, I tried to welcome her into my home, but, she is a no-it-all kid who has no respect for adults (I am 65). She talks to me like I am her equal and thinks that living on welfare is ok. She is planning on living on money that the government loans out to students while they are going to school. Since I have known her, she has started classes and then dropped them when my son dropped his. They set a wedding date (a year from now) after she went to Walmart and bought a fake diamond. She invited me to come with her grandmother to look at a banquet hall and wanted to know what I was contributing to the wedding. Neither has a job, an education or a car.
My son has no will of his own. He cannot make and has never been able to make a decision. Every job he ever got, I had to find for him. Now, they are playing house, but, they have made it clear that they want no part of me.
I am devastated. My son's father died when he was 13 and I have raised him all alone (He was adopted by my husband and I). He was raised with all the love and care in the world. He is my whole world. I cannot believe that he can just write me off...is it possible that someone with Asperger's can abandon their mother just like that? When his father died of cancer, he showed no emotion and never talked about him. It was, then, that I thought that there might be something wrong. He was not diagnosed until a few years ago. I took him to so many doctors and they never said he had Aspergers; they just thought he was unmotivated. In high school, he got all A's without even trying. Once he turned 18, he just lost it and now I am afraid I will never see him again.
This girl does nothing...she stays up all night playing computer games and sleeps all day. She is obese, loud and obnoxious. My son seems to love the attention (I call it neediness) that she showers him with. I think that she makes him feel important because she constantly tells him how much she loves him. This is a truly desperate girl who has latched onto my son because she can not get any better and his self-esteem is so low he does not think he can get any better. What is a mom to do???? Do you think I have lost him forever???
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My son is 19. I sent him to college in which he basically stayed in his room playing video games. First semester he did some of the work. Second semester he totally hibernated in his room. He never asked me for much.
He called me to get him after school let out. Never responded once as to what happened at school. Found out that he just stayed in his room from the dorm director. Except to come out to eat. He did have some aquaintences there.
Said to those who asked that he liked the college.
He continues to hibernated in his room just to come out to eat and taking out the garbage mostly when reminded. Refuses to talk about anything relevant about his future plans if any. I attempt to talk to him about going to school in the city where he lives, or getting a job or some other alternative. Refuses to listen. Covers his ears.
Doesn't ask for anything accept "Is there food ma?" And I showed him how to fix some things.
He will go and get his stuff and retreat back to his room.
He stopped talking to his dad his last year of high school because his dad grabbed him when he was sitting next to him supervising his homework because he almost did not graduate. Even though his dad apologized, he has not spoken to him since he graduated a year ago from Bronx High School of Science.
I was finally able to encourage him to go to his physical and his doctor said he had some form of Asperger symtoms. He never had to study for anything while attending Bronx Science. Did the bare minimal.
He spends his days playing sports video games. Madden 2013. Never asks for money. Brought back home from college all the money he received from gifts from high school graduation, including a check I sent him.
He has to be reminded to wash up. Except the 2 times he went to visit his college friends from other universities and played video games with them.
I noticed from my cell bills that he has over 1500 text messages. He talks often to himself about the games he is playing while he plays.
His vision was to be a sports commentator. I asked him about his vision/goal but he continues to ignore.
Your guide does not tell me how to get him to talk to me about his future when he just clams up.
He refuses to see a therapist.
HIs last year of high school he said he needed help and I found a therapist, he went four times then which helped him get thru school i think.
Now it has been since May that he has not taken a bath or shower and only has washed up.
His doctor said that he has no odor and he was very articulate.
She told my son and me about a book called Look Me in the Eye. Reading it now, but it doesn't say
how to get my son moving. Just stays in his room and every now and then comes out to say hi mom
and has invited me in to watch him.
He eats sometimes one meal a day sometimes two. He sleeps from 3pm to 12 or 1am and is up until
3pm or sometimes longer. That has been his days since he returned from a wasteful year of college in May. A waste of money.
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Had a very interesting conversation with my 23 year old AS son today and he wants to go back to school.
Now
this would be his 4th attempt if it happens. We discussed his goals. He
needed goals. He wants to get an IT certification but his past
performance on attendance and so forth are not good. IT school is
expensive.
He
wants to join the army and learn his trade there. Now he has friends I
know are on "the spectrum" They have served and are thriving but that
was what they wanted from the beginning and clearly are more self
disciplined because that is what they wanted.
Would
they accept him and if so, would he be able to handle such a commitment
and all the stress that comes with such an endeavor. He needs to lose
weight to get in but has showed so far no "motivation" to get fit.
Is
this doable? If not, how can I convince him to maybe see a job coach.
To look at other avenues to getting this kind of certification. Now in
the past he has bucked every attempt at getting "help" from an agency
such as DVRS and others.
We put together a schedule for him and part of that entails him looking for work and
researching what the army would need from him and also what schools are affordable as well as daily and weekly chores.
This whole Army thing makes me a little uneasy.
Thanks in advance for any advise you may have.
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My son is diagnosed aspergers/add and bipolar. He is 20, living at home
and attends Rutgers University, a junior engineering student.
He had gone away to school freshman year but after social rejection
starting getting high and became manic, we brought him home and that's
when he was diagnosed as bipolar.
Currently he is going to an iop therapy program 3x a week, it is almost
over. I think the clinic is helping although he doesn't like it. And
is depressed. But he does get up everyday go to his summer class, has
excellent hygiene and plays tennis 2x a week. and taking
risperdal,cogentin and adderal.
Family life is a wreck with his impulsive behavior, jealousy of his brother and not understanding social cues.
His goal is to live at rutgers. I am afraid when he turns 21 he will
abuse alcohol. I told him I won't pay for him to live away unless he
goes to counseling and would consider him living in sober housing.
My question for you is what books of yours would be most helpful to me.
My impression is He needs social skills education badly. Executive
planning skills. And managing his emotions. And what of your other services we can take advantage of.
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Is it possible that I may have aspergers? I knew something wasn’t
right with my husband and with my two children and now just realizing this
after 29 years, makes me wonder. I’ve been telling my husband now for
about three weeks now…not pressing it too hard that he may have aspergers,
he just gets very angry and makes hurtful comments to me and reasons that don’t
really add up to why he is not.
He’s seeing a physiatrist for an obsession over a past girl friend, more acquaintance
friend he worked with 30 plus years ago. The physiatrist is telling him his
lack of feeling and not being able to cry is due to past hurts in his life and
she’s having him revisit them. He’s now repeated this to me at
least five times if not more. When he brings it up, I tell him it has all the
tell signs of aspergers of which I see his temper rising.
This morning he was on the phone again with his mother discussing his sister
and how she is miss treating her. I can clearly see that my sister in law as
aspergers. For years the family has had a hard time getting along with her. I
have feeling my brother in law has it to. When I told my husband this he got infuriated
with me and put me and my side of the family down. They being high functioning
have more going for them financially and their children are better off, but I
see some similarities in their children.
I feel like I’m the only one seeing these similarities.
For a long time I’ve seen them, and I think my sister in law has seen
them, just doesn’t know what it is. I’m afraid to talk to her about
it, as she may just get made at me as well.
Well my husband asks me not to talk to him anymore about
aspergers or to mention the name. But he has given me permission to talk to his
physiatrist and that’s what I’m thinking of doing, but I’m
afraid it may get worse as she’s told him “I don’t think you have
aspergers”.
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I just came across your program for meltdowns and we are desperately
seeking information and reliable diagnosis help, for our son who is
age 10 going on 11
Nov 30, 2013. The mental health counselor recently
brought up that he thinks our son has AS and not ADHD. I explained the
meltdowns when he gets frustrated easily or over stimulated, I have to
take him out of the environment so he doesn't get overly excited and
can't calm down on his own or it takes a long time for him to. He
receives A's and B's at school and gets times of hyper focus on an
interest of his but times we do have minor behavior problems being
reported by the teacher at times. The counselor thinks he is on the
high functioning end of the autistic spectrum / AS. The counselor
says first he wants to try behavior mimicry training or therapy before
any medication being prescribed to my son. I am some what confused as
what to do and have been researching a lot. I am scared of the
medications also. His father and I are exhausted from all of this and
it is causing our relationship to become not as stable these days as
it was and it all is taking it's toll on us now.
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When
I first started living with my boyfriend at the time (5 years ago), I
thought that he was just different than most people I’ve dated before.
It was even interesting. But going on further I finally realized that
there was more to it than just being different or strange. I asked him
if we can go to see a physiatrist and to my surprised he agreed. He was
diagnosed with Asperser’s Syndrome. We came home, went online and after
reading info from some web sites a lot in his behavior made sense.
Unfortunately,
my life with him did not get ANY easier after his diagnosis. Knowing
why he behaves the way he does did not solve my problems with him. He
has all the symptoms you can possibly find when Asperser’s Syndrome is
described including being emotionless, cold and living in his own world.
He understands only thing that HE wants or needs and if I want to do
something or don’t do and it is opposite of what he wants, he would get
very nasty and say very hurtful things that he, of course does not see
being offensive. I feel lonely, unappreciated, uncared for and like I am
just a maid for him. I do EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING around the
house, which I don’t mind; especially I know how much he hates house
chores. However, if I ask him once in a blue moon to do a tiny thing for
me he goes nuts because
that’s how much he does not want to do anything at all. That’s how our
fights usually would start – over small stupid things. I don’t know if there are any levels of severity of the Syndrome but I think he has the intense one.
We
fight all the time. It is taking its toll on me. I can’t live like this
anymore. Recently, I have discovered your book online and asked him if
he wants to save the relationship. He said “Yes”. But apparently saying
is easier than doing. When we are at home reading your book, it seems
that he understands and agrees to some stuff that he does or doesn’t do.
And I even hope that he would now do things that are discussed in the
book. We discuss what we read and I feel good after it. I understand
that he won’t change instantly. But it seems like he won’t change at
all. As I said above, he is more or less ok at home where there is just
him and I, but we still fight a lot over some stupid things that for
most couples won’t be an issue. But minute we step outside the front
door and are in public places, stores,
restaurants even a park, WHEN WE ARE AROUND PEOPLE, it’s like it is not
him anymore. Instantly, he forgers about everything we’ve talked and
his Asperger’s symptoms reach the top. Then, I understand that he would
never try to do something about himself and would never change.
Yesterday was my Birthday. Since we fight all the time I am pretty much in a bad
mood all the time. The night before my BD, I told him that I don’t want
to do anything on my BD and don’t want to go to a restaurant to
celebrate, not in the mood. He seemed to understand. Next day he called
me from work, which was nice and I again reminded him that I don’t want
to go anywhere. After work he brought me beautiful roses and started
saying that we should go and celebrate. I said “no” again. He left and
when he came back it started again about going out, and how he wants to
go and so on. That’s when I snapped. I said “this is not
about YOU anymore, it is MY BD and you have to consider what I WANT on
my BD”. See Mark, since everything is always
about what he wants, it is hard for him to understand that there is
someone else in his life that might have her own feelings and wishes. I
confronted him saying “it is YOU who want to go to a restaurant that’s
why you insist on it so hard”. Of course he denied it but I could see it
in his eyes. He can’t lie. So we had a major fight and he told me to
get my stuff and go back to my parents.
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Hello...I have not been diagnosed with asd, but my son was 3 years
ago...going through this with him (i am a single mother) has made me
question that perhaps this was passed down...i have struggled all my
life with relationships, and usually just would rather be alone then
deal with the stress that comes with trying to have friends or
partners...and i have been told that the stress i find, is not
warranted, but to me it is....im 37 years old...not sure that being
diagnosed now would change much, other than explain many things my
parent gave up trying to understand, and many things i just avoid to
make life easier...im looking for guidance, because as i said, im
raising a child with this, and im struggling helping him understand it,
cause he sees i face many of the same struggles......i dont know who
else to talk to about this, and i would love some input if
available...thanks
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I am sending this email before I take any further steps. I have an adopted
3 yr old son. He is AWESOME! Biracial Hispanic/White. I have attributed
some of his high intensity to the Hispanic biology, but I believe there to
be more going on. His white mother has mental issues, but not sure she was
ever given accurate diagnosis.
I have looked at all the behavioral disorders (former foster parents) and
see a couple of symptoms that mimic other disorders, but nothing that I feel
describes his overall issues. However, I just happened to check Asperger's
Syndrome symptoms and the social area really caught my attention as well as
the advanced language skills. He is very intelligent, above his age (I
believe).
His special needs areas would be what you are describing as meltdowns. I
have had him since 3 wks of age and have always felt he was very aggressive.
In his play, I felt he was more aggressive with toys than seemed normal
(before he was even walking). I have tried to think of a day that has
passed that he didn't have 1 episode of throwing something or exhibiting
some sign of frustration, but I'm not sure if there has been one. Some days
are great days, but some days he just wants to do the opposite of everything
he thinks you want him to do.
I haven't sought any testing yet and understand diagnosis is very difficult
at a young age. On the other hand, I find myself always feeling like a
failure and a terrible mother at the end of the day. As I read your
information, I thought maybe I should get your online assistance, but
wondered if I should seek professional assistance as my first step. I just
don't think I will get much assistance at his early age and I don't want to
use the parenting skills that worked for our 4 biological children when they
are obviously not working for him. We use time out and he sits in it, but
none of his unacceptable behavior ever changes.
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My son is 18 and has Asperger's. Between therapy, medication, and a
lifetime of me working with him most people don't even realize there's
anything 'wrong' with him, so I feel like I must have done something
right; On the other hand, all the things that make him a kid with
Asperger's are still there of course, and now he's older and starting to
give me that teenager attitude. But I find it's worse than with my
other child because he can't really be reasoned with and doesn't see
that he lacks empathy or that he sometimes says inappropriate things,
etc. Do you have seminars all over, maybe one in the Detroit area that I
can attend, or do you have anything written for parents who are dealing
with their older Asperger's kids? I feel like we've suddenly fallen
through some huge crack that we'll never get out of. There isn't even an
appropriate form of guardianship for these kids. It's all or nothing.
Nothing to legally say I'm his advocate and I need to be there if there
is a legal or medical issue, etc. I don't know where to get help. Do you
have, or know where I can find, anything that might help me while he's
becoming (oh so slowly) an adult?
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I am e-mailing you
because I just spent a few days with my niece and her son. It was
certainly not an enjoyable time, and it left me wanting to know how to
help her, and my great nephew. I am torn. My niece is a single mom,
28, and through observation through the years, struggles as a parent as a
whole. Or atleast it appears that way. Fast forward to her now 7 year
old son, who just last year was diagnosed with Asperger’s. A dangerous
combo for sure. I am afraid for him and his future. He experiences
the meltdowns so very often. His little world must be so very hard and
scary. He has already spent time in a psychiatric hospital. Not to
mention the tags of ADHD, ADD, and lots of medicine. Just breaks my
heart.
My
niece seems to be exasperated. The truth is, I can’t tell what part
of it is “poor parenting”, and what part is Asperger’s. Can it be a
combination? Because I don’t live with her, I have no true way of
knowing. I will gladly buy her your program – but I have doubts as to
whether or not she will take the time to truly try to make it work. I
was wondering if it could be set up in such a way that I perhaps could
help mentor her and her son through it?
My
other concern is this: school is just about ready to start. Her son
has all kinds of therapists, meetings, TSAs, TSSs- although my niece
shared with me that nothing seems to be working. I’m still not sure
what all those people are doing with him, and she can’t seem to give me
an answer either. When I tried asking specific questions, she would
say, “I don’t know.” When I asked her for specific techniques to how
they were helping her son, she would say, “they really don’t”. When I
asked her son, he told me they told him about using a stress ball,
breathing techniques, and walking away from situations. During my 3
days with them, I often heard her say, “we are working on this – or
that”. But I’m still not sure what it was they were working on. Bad
language was one thing – but she also admitted on having a “potty
mouth”. She doesn’t seem to monitor him as closely as I would like as a
parent. For example: what he watches on TV – she just assumes that
everything on the cartoon network is good. He told me that she allowed
him to watch Paranormal 3! Ugh! When she brought him on vacation to
the beach, she brought nothing with her for him. i.e. games, puzzles,
toys…only an IPad and some other electronic device that only seemed to
have downloaded on them games of war, killing, zombies, guns, etc. His
favorite “symbol” that he has on his blanket, swimtrunks, etc. is
skulls! She wasn’t even sure of what he had downloaded on his IPad!
She gave him her passcode, and then said she “trusted” him to download
appropriate material! (Just a few examples of my struggle in my
observance of her parenting skills).
I’m
concerned that once school starts, and the expectations of the
classroom, homework, etc. that there would be no time to devote to your
program. And how would I help them implement it with not living with
them?
I
want to help them, but I don’t know how. As I was web-surfing to
educate myself on Asperger’s, I came across your material. I can’t be
her son’s parent, but I want to be a support for them- one that makes a
difference! She has shared with me that in less than 6 months, her poor
son has gone through 6 psychiatrists! And his school experience was
horrible as well!
As
I shared above, I’m not sure what is poor parenting, and what is
Asperger’s. My heart is so heavy for them, and I want to help, but I’m
clueless in where/how to start. And I don’t want to devote energy into
something that my niece won’t adhere to.
I
hope this makes sense. Forgive me if I rambled. Any wisdom or
guidance you could share would be greatly appreciated. Prayers as
well! As my faith believes that God is the ultimate healer! And
perhaps led me to your website!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son with Asperger Syndrome has trouble meeting deadlines and obsesses
and procrastinates. He has an exceedingly slow processing rate of 3%
and his work takes so long to do. Ironically he can learn things very
quickly. For example he will understand all of the principles involved
in a lab but can hardly finish the lab report. He is in honors science
and math. He loves the subject matter; the work is the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I
am so glad I found your site. I purchased your ebook and am overjoyed
at reading that I am not losing my mind. I suspected for some time
something was different about my husband I just didn’t know what. At
first I thought it was OCPD but he had all of the traits and it still
could not explain some other behavior I found odd. I began to suspect
Asperger’s a short while ago.
You
see, I moved out from the home to insist he go to counseling. He rants
and goes on and on when he is upset. When I tell him he does this, he
denies it. He wants everything to be just so and his favorite phrase is
“I am a logical person”. We cannot communicate and I get physically
exhausted. I have my own issues with PTSD and his behavior triggers it.
Finding your site has been a godsend. I was hoping to locate one of your
seminars.
It
has been almost a year since I moved. He wants to work on the marriage
but it took him forever to actually call the counselor, his fear of
failure and imperfection dominate him. We went yesterday and I had hoped
the counselor would tell my husband that the counselor suspects
Asperger’s and recommend testing. My husband will not accept it from me.
The counselor did not, and as predictable we went around in circles
where my husband dominated the conversation and in true LMFT fashion,
the counselor tried to make my husband feel comfortable. That is okay,
except talking about feelings at this point is not working. The
counselor would ask my husband “what do you hear when your wife says
that she feels that she cannot be perfect and your granite counters are
not perfect” in true asp fashion my husband says: “she just needs to
learn to clean them properly”…
I
left exhausted, frustrated and hopeless. I feel that unless my husband
acknowledges AS we are going to fail. I cannot live in constant control
and fear of his outbursts. When I make a point, he makes a counterpoint
regardless of whether it makes sense. I was hoping to find an AS
counselor who specializes in this, but I don’t know how or where in
Minnesota.
I
guess I just need your help. I believe my husband needs to know what he
has, what do I do if I do anything? Should I tell my husband? Should I
insist the counselor does? Where do I go? My faith causes me to want to
save my marriage and I do love my husband. But, I know I cannot live in
this. I feel like I am losing my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had written a while back about my
son who can not deal without having the neighbor girl around all the time.
Even if they aren't playing together he has to have her around and
is somewhere between out of control to shut down mode if she goes somewhere
without him. My son is 7 (2nd grade) and she is 8 (3rd grade). School
just started up last week and the 2nd/3rd graders share the same hall at
school. This morning I received an email from his teacher about an
incident that happened yesterday.
Note from teacher:
Good Morning Ms-
We have a situation at school which we need to make you
aware of and ask for your help in trying to solve. I do want to apologize
for not getting to you yesterday on this matter but it took up until this
morning to figure out who the girl was and all that had happened.
Bobby has a friend which is a girl. Yesterday, at
the start of the day while at lockers, has went over and started talking
to this girl and telling her "My mom says you and I are in love."
He repeated this to her a couple of time and at the same time was
getting very loud in the hallway. Two teachers were aware of the
noise level and intervened.
When I was questioning Bobby about what had happened he
told me, "My mom says I have to talk to this girl and it is about
S-E-X." Bobby never told me the part in which he was saying
the "love" part. Now, after visiting with the girl, it
is my understanding Bobby never used the s-e-x word around her, he only
told me that.
Bobby has been asked to stop talking to this girl about
"being in love" because she has admitted it makes her feel very
uncomfortable. Bobby and I have discussed how this is considered
harassment at school and if it does not stop an action play will be written
up.
If you will please visit and role play with Bobby the
appropriate type of conversations he may have with his friends that are
girls, it would be greatly appreciated.
The things he says I told him are not
true and I am always telling him that the 2 of them are just friends. I
have no idea where he came up with these things and it is not anything
like our home environment. How can I help him realize that this girl
is only a neighbor friend and that while she enjoys playing with him it
is just a friendship. He hardly ever says he loves me and is famous
for repeating things he has seen on TV, although he is only allowed to
watch a few Disney shows and PBS kids. He picks up everything he
sees and hears, but I have no idea where he got this from. Any advice
or social story I can share with him would be helpful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son has Asperger's. We've never told him anything about it. I'm not
even sure when is the right time, what is the best way. I recently
found your letter, blog, Q & A. So, I have one for you, and am
hoping you can help me.
I just got a call from my son's 4th grade teacher. He was a little hot.
He said, "Your son did not turn in his math homework this morning. I
asked him, 'where's your math paper?' and he said, 'in my desk, still'.
I said, 'let me see your assignment notebook....why didn't you write
down math homework in your assignment notebook?"
He said, "Your son's answer shocked me...he said, 'because I hate
homework, and I didn't want to do it. So I didn't write it down, and I
didn't take it home, and I am not going to do it'.
The teacher said, "Well, you know what? since you had your playtime last
night, you will not have any playtime today. You will stay inside at
recess, and you will do your math homework, and I am going to leave this
class on a noise level of zero, and go call your mother, because this
doesn't fly with me, in this room, or--I'm pretty sure with your mother,
either."
I am shocked. I have seen my son's stubborn behavior at home over
routines, but never to this extent of directly rebelling against an
authority other than his father or me. He has said many nights more than
once, "I'm not going to do my homework" with tears and anger blazing
from him. I usually stay firm, calmly ignoring the drama, and say,
"Yes, we are going to do this together, and we are going to do it now."
He will "buck" and say, "no, I'm not." and again, I insist calmly and
hand him a pencil and say things like, "let's see-I'm going to say
you'll do this one super fast, b/c you are good at reading!" and when he
finishes, I compliment him on his neatness, or how quickly he finished
it, or how well he did it. By the time he receives the compliment he is
finished being angry.
Last night, he asked me, "Do all people go to college?" I said, "No." He
said, "Great. I'm not going to go." I said, "People who do not go to
college are not good at school, or they don't have the money to go; but
you are smart, and we are saving money for you, so you will go to
college, and I know you can do it. He said, "I do not like school; I
wish weekends lasted forever."
I don't know what sort of way to approach this situation; what sort of
discipline to put forth for what has happened in the classroom; what
sort of incentive and positive encouragement to give which will change
his mind and attitude towards school and homework. I also don't know if
at this point therapy would benefit him, or how to find a therapist who
specializes in Aspergers pediatric cases. Please let me know your
thoughts: I'd be so grateful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 18 year old just moved out into a downtown apartment to go to
college. However, he is struggling. He isn't really leaving the
apartment, not going to classes because of anxiety. He is angry and has
been for a while because feeling "different" and social anxiety. We
"pushed" him to go there, even though he was resistant to a certain
degree. (some days yes, some days no) We watched him make bad choices
with
drugs and alcohol and decided he would deteriate if he stays at
home. Now we have a situation with him isolating himself.
Some
history, he began declining in his junior year at HS. Grades slipping
and not going to classes. We took him to doctors, put on many different
meds at different times. Not much relief. He was resistant to therapy
because he felt uncomfortable talking to someone. His senior year came,
and he slowly began to stay at home more and more. Counselors gave many
options. End was to finish the last couple of classes online. He did. He
was granted a full ride scholarship to a local college. At this point
he was saying he doesn't want to go because it will be the same as HS
and he will see he can't fit in and is not happy like everyone else. We
continued on the path of encouragement. He did have a local job, but for
a bit he was not working...doing xbox and gained weight. Got
his job back and began going out with friends again, however was
"using" things to fit in.
Now he is in
apartment...with my niece as roommate...and he is withdrawing
temporarily. We let him know coming home is not an option at this time,
as the apartment is paid for and he did some destruction in the home
because of his anger. We are not telling him he has to go to therapy. I
think he will go as he is "lost" right now.
There
has never been a diagnosis of aspergers. I have felt he is for a very
long time. I was "waiting" for a teacher to come forward and say the
same. They never did, so it was pushed under the rug...fast forward,
depression and anxiety hit in HS. I work in Special Education Dpt. at an
elementary school...I saw the signs, but because he was not any trouble
growing up, I left it alone.
I am at a loss of
how to go about this
with therapy. I did mention to him about my thoughts and he was a bit
defensive about aspergers. Do you know of any therapists or life
coach that would be good with this? We live on southside on Indy,
he lives in downtown area.
I am worried
about depression, right now we encouraged him to go back on his Paxil,
that he took upon himself to quit over a month ago. He is back on it,
but he is always saying he will never be happy...feels
different...can't be around people. He has been on Klonopin, however, I
think he has an addictive personality, so I do not want him back on
those. He is having obsessive thoughts, has sleep issues, some sensory
issues that I remember even back when he was young. I am surprised
doctors missed this. One therapist he agreed to go to (only went once)
mentioned it to me afterwards...and I have been thinking of it since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
M
y nearly 11 year old daughter has for years now been refusing to go to school if things don’t go her way.
She
uses this as a tool to get what she wants as she knows that school is a
priority to us and by law has to go, so it is big leverage for her.
Her
ipod and computer are her favourite things so when we restrict usage
she just refuses school. We have even changed schools which she does
seem to be happier at but still has school refusal at times.
Today
i found out she had shared personal information on Kik messaging on her
ipod with a stranger and obviously we were very concerned and tried to
talk to her about how dangerous this is, she wasn’t impressed. She is
out of control and angry which we expected but now we are putting
stricter rules in place she just uses school refusal against us.
I
can take her ipod off her, computer, anything if she doesn’t go to
school but she just still refuses to go. I don;t know what else to do.
We are prepared for her to fight and be unhappy about rules but school
refusal is the hardest. Nothing can get her there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moms and dads can do a lot to help their kids with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. But, it's important to make sure you get the support you need. When you're raising a youngster on the autism spectrum, taking care of yourself is not an act of selfishness—it's a necessity! Being emotionally strong allows you to be the best mother or father you can be to your “special needs” son or daughter. 
Moms and dads can do a lot to help their kids with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. But, it's important to make sure you get the support you need. When you're raising a youngster on the autism spectrum, taking care of yourself is not an act of selfishness—it's a necessity! Being emotionally strong allows you to be the best mother or father you can be to your “special needs” son or daughter. 
