You have no
idea how much I appreciate your emails - I am completely blessed by your good,
honest, common sense approach to parenting teens. Thanks a million!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION: So the drama continues. I'm at a
point where I want to throw in the towel. I'm not sure where else to go. My son
is currently on probation for possession of xanax. I reported him to his school
about it (back in Nov) and he just recently learned it was me that did it (his
dad told him). He now tells me constantly that all the things related to that
incident (ex. Treatment, costs, transportation) are all my fault, that I
brought it on myself. His dad tells me that too. We are divorced and I take him
to all group therapy sessions, counseling, court appearances. I also pay for
everything as well. Dropping about $5000 so far this year. My son has a very
negative attitude towards things when they don't go the way he wants. He is
currently in summer school and sent me a nasty text this morning because the
teacher moved him to the front of the class. He lives in a fantasy land
thinking that when he gets older he is going to grow weed in California and he
doesn't need school to do that. He tells me this on a regular basis. I do
realize that he is almost 15 and boys don't seem to snap out of that la-la land
mentality until later on. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it hurts me
to watch him destroy his life with this attitude he has. And I'm tired of
busting my behind to make extra money to pay for all this "stuff"
when he could care less. But if i said "forget it, I'm not spending $200
for summer school." Then it would be my butt on the line, not his. He has
realized also that the required drug tests he takes don't test for shrooms or
acid, so that is his drug of choice for now. He even failed his first drug test
on probation and not a thing was done by the PO. I was floored by that. I
realized then that this is all just a joke to my son. To sum it all up, I'm exhausted. Mentally and
physically. I can't handle another appointment, fee etc. I don't know if there
is any advice you can offer or if time is the only possible solution.
ANSWER re: “He even failed his first drug test on
probation and not a thing was done by the PO. I was floored by that. I realized
then that this is all just a joke to my son…”
I used to be a juvenile probation officer. I can tell you that
the wheels of justice turn very slowly. It won't be a joke for much longer. Let
your son continue to dig his grave. Let go. Let his PO handle it. He will get
his consequences in due time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been married to a wonderful man since 1981.
There have been many situations over the last 31 years where my
husband's behavior was inappropriate, embarrassing or just hurtful and I didn't
understand it.
I even went to therapy to address my unhappiness at one point
about 4 years ago.
I was angry that he was always watching TV in his free time, I
was feeling invisible,and addressed my dissatisfaction about his addiction to
TV watching, His reaction was my the trigger to going to therapy... he
said...Get use to it because it isn't going to change...in a loud assertive
voice..I felt so uncared for and rejected.
My therapy did not even touch on the reality that he may have a
neurotypical brain...but I realized I didn't want to throw away my family or
all we built together.
I have been wondering in the last year if he has aspergers and
after reading some online articles and a book I do think my husband may be an
extremely high functioning brillant person with some level of it. I am very sad
that all these years I didn't know why he said or did the things he has and now
he even said, sometimes I wonder if I have aspergers.
The question is now on the table. I told him I think he does,
but that it is not a bad thing.
I read a book the 22 things you should know if you have a
partner with aspergers...almost every chapter had an example I have experienced
or he has shown.
He has no ticks or cluminess. and he was extremely good looking
as a young man, so no one would think he has an atypical brain, they just would
be annoyed by his social behaviors and not picking up that they are bored of
his conversation focus. He told me for the first time that the reason he took
off his wedding band many years ago is that he couldnt stand the feeling of it
on his hand.
My question is how important is it for me to encourage him
to get tested and will this help if he does have aspergers should he tell
others or will this typically create depression in the person. He already went
through Cancer at 33.This was pretty traumatic but his statement about his cancer
experience was..it was just something he had to go through...
I am an extremely social and an emotionally in tune person so
the reality after all these years that I am living with a man that will
never meet my needs or want to engage in the things I want to do socially or
can never be understanding when I am not as smart as him has really hit me. I
am angry that I didn't see this sooner, I personalized a lot of his behaviors
or was angry because I thought he was being a jerk! Now I realize he just doesn't
process the same as others. I do love this man and see all so much good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is 7 years old, has been diagnosed with AS, whom
attends a very small school of 24 students.
I have been working with his teacher to overcome my son's melt
downs at school, A lot of it is very small melt downs, my problem is there has
been so many different Principle's In the last two terms, as you are so
aware of Children diagnosed with AS, they don't like Change, My other issue is
that given that we have very small numbers at the school this is a two teaching
Teacher's school, all kindergarten to year 2 are together and years
3 to years 6 are together, with separate Teachers, but in the afternoons
they all go together. My concern is that it gets a bit overwhelming for
my young son and for the past term they have had different teachers, your
advice would bee so helpfully. My issue is do I look at sending my son to a
private school all keep him in this school and work a lot closer with the Teacher,
I have spent the last 3 weeks working with the teacher and have now got all
reports back from Pediatrition, psychologist, waiting to see what funding
comes through, Mind you, I have had all this in place and now I find out the
school has another Acting Principle starting this coming term?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a 17 yr old. Im not sure if she has aspergers or
not . she has been diagnosed with bypolar and depression. but the more I read I
wonder about the other. I need help bad!!!! Im so drained emotionally with
her!! she has no compassion or empathy nothing at all. @ times I feel I could
be gone and she would never even care. she has never had friends and when she
meets someone new she has always used the term " best friends"
and im like she doesnt even know this person. she is very non-social Isolates
herself in her bedroom away from everyone. she is social disabled . she thinks
only of herself and doesnt think about anyone else. when I hug her its like
hugging a stuffed animal. she Isolates herself into the computer or in her
room. she has a hard time connecting with anyone. she just wonders off and sits
by herself.she also has poor hygiene and I have to nag her about it.she is also
very immaturand
& nieve for her age and some times will play and get along with younger
kids. My heart breaks for her. but, I don't know what to do either. I
have shed more tears over my daughter and all I can ask is how did this happen
? what did I do to cause this?.she desires to be loved and have friends
& have a boyfriend but, just cant seem to do it. she also has talked about
that lonely feeling and says its the worst feeling in the world. shes
also been known to cut on herself and when she was 15 she tried to take her
life. I don't trust her and wont leave her alone cause I feel she would do it
again. shes on wellbutrin and lemecto and was on abilify. that was making her
gain weight so she wanted to stop taking it but now I think shes worse not
being on it so idk. I have read the symptoms of apergers she fits all the
social symptoms and traits but not the other traits. do you think we could be
missing this diagnose with her?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi our 9 year old son has AS and he has just
recently told us he feels alone. He has not cared so much
for having friends up till now. He now has
a desire to make friends or likes the idea of having a buddy. He also does not remember other children. Any advice
would be greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I don't know where to start with this email. My
husband and I are at the end of our ability to know what to do to survive or to
help our son. Our son is twenty-four years old and we have lived almost all of
those years just making sure that he could make it through a day. He was
diagnosed when very small with ADHD, and we were able to get him through school
with his degree. I won't even attempt to tell you what that entailed as we live
every day just wanting to make sure that he can live and won't hurt anyone else
or end up in prison. Please trust me that I am not over stating any of this.
My husband and I are not in good health anymore.
I am sixty-one and in a wheel chair and my husband is seventy-six and not
getting around very well either. We just went through a terrible ordeal with
Jonathan with the law and keeping him out of prison. He cannot hold down a job.
He is married and his wife lives with us too. We have told them we would try to
help as long as there are no drugs, alcohol or violence involved.
My son has such a distorted view of his
childhood with me that I truly believe he hates me and I am unable to do
anything for him. He basically treats anyone that is in authority the same way,
with no respect. We have just about depleted our resources and with Jonathan
and Elizabeth not having any insurance we do not know what to do from here or
which way to turn. Do you have any suggestions, because we are desperate.
Note: When Jonathan was small he had as many
symptoms of autism and tourette's syndrome as he did with ADHD. One on
one he can make things seem so normal but only those close would know the
truth. My husband and I are worried that when we are gone Jonathan will end up
on the street or worse. We would appreciate any help or direction you have to
give us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a sixteen year old boy who was
previously diagnosed with ADHD, expressive language disorder. Now they say it
is Aspergers and after reading the information on it, I must admit that even he
agrees. My issue is that his father and I have been divorced since our boy was
3 but his father has never accepted our son as he has always been different. He
does not like physical activities and prefers to play video games than interact
with people in the real world. He is close to me and his 9 year old sister but
has serious issues with his father and as such doesn't trust other men to
accept him either. I am h aving trouble trying to get him to "act his
age" and balance his emotional age. He is my world and there is nothing I
wouldn't do for him. Do you have any guidance that may lead me in the right
path for the few years I have left with him at home to teach him all I can?
Thank you for your time and assistance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I am writing from Australia in hope you can
provide some support for our family who is at present at a huge crossroads.
Our son is now 19 and has a diagnosis of OCD ADHD and Aspergers. He
is incredibly manipulative and has become quite a rude individual.
I look at other kids with aspergers and although they have the rigidity
they are nice kids!
Although he is 20 he is like a 14 year old.
He has only space for one obsession at a time. We had star wars,
trains, bird watching, bike riding and war gaming (making, painting and playing
with tiny figures) We have employed him in our business and is being
trained as a dental technician. He can do things when he wants but it is
the want to do that is the hard bit.
The OCD has calmed a little since its peak last
year when he was wearing no clothes because they were all contaminated with
soap. He won't go into the laundry because soap or use the kitchen tap or
go near the sink . So therefore he does not wash his own clothes or
dishes. He struggles with even us putting his clothes in a washing basket
because that basket has been in the laundry.
Because we employ him, he is rude to us at work
but luckily we have a lab tech who is training him. He does take any
criticism from us and yells over the top of us.
He has stopped taking his antipsychotic and anti
depressant medication about 6 weeks ago. Now he is still on quick release
ritalin but wanting natural calm tablets because he has read of an issue with
the coming off ritalin causing heightened anxiety. He is adamant that he
will not go back on these because they make him fat and not want to ride.
Since going off them he has lost a little weight
and now is in to riding not war hammer. He is spending all his
waking time in his darkened room surrounded by filth on his computer. He
also has a huge obsession with porn. His computer broke and he needed his
study material off it so I gave it to a tech who was gobsmacked by the amount
of porn on his hard drive in a mere 4 months. This to me is a real
concern. When I asked him about not taking them (flushing them down the
toilet) he told me that he had had the decision and that I was always trying to
shove medication down his throat and control him and what was I being paid?
He screamed at me for 30 minutes or more about me abusing him with
medication. I had no energy to fight back as I was spending my time at
the hospital nursing my dying father who died later that week. Dominic
showed no emotion, care or concern for me (very understandable for aspie)
He goes through our personal stuff to find food…
chocolates etc. We can't buy food in advance as he binge eats. He has a
very limited diet but want
s to have frozen diet food delivered (he is just
full of contradictions). He will never apology for this and I think he
knows it is wrong on one hand but on the other he thinks it is his right to
have anything he wants.
This morning it took me 40 mins to get him
up for his breakfast and this made him 40 minutes late. When I told him
we needed respect he told me to go get cancer. I am tired of him not
doing anything towards the family. He demands, he screams over the top of
us and believes it is our job to give him what he wants and support him.
We are now totally exhausted. My husband is very patient with him
but we are now totally over it all.
We used your behaviour management plan when he
was 14 isn and it worked well. We have always tried to be consistent with
him but he is now totally out of control. He has no friends… he did have one
earlier this year but it is always one sided. Luckily he is not into alcohol
nor drugs and doesn't drive.
Do you do one on one coaching? We have
tried a local psychologist who has been useless and his psychiatrist is along
way away and is only really interested in talking medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, I have an adult son who
was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. It is The Ranch's (Located in
TN) thought that he has had this condition since he was small and was
misdiagnosed his whole life. This lead to drug addiction and bipolar.
He is currently taking Saphris and is living in a sober living group. I
live in Alaska, he is in TN. Josh will be 26 in December and not able
to continue to be on my insurance.
My
questions are: Are they any colleges; schools, programs that can help
Josh with a career path? He has a high interest in computers.
The
Ranch recommended Transitional Living in PA; however, Josh has bounced
around most of his adult life. He has managed to stay just out of harms
way with the law; but this last go around was a little too close for
me.
The medicine is super and
he is happy. He has been out of the Ranch for 30 days and is starting
to get restless. I am concerned that if he enrolls in school without
help that he won't be able to handle the disappointment.
I read many of the parent comments and I totally feel this has been Josh's condition his entire life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your section within the Aspergers Handbook on this is extremely helpful.
I am however in the UK courts at present over this.
My son has been removed from me because the court and professionals do not believe Max's own words that:
'I am nothing to do with his relationship problems with his
father'. They are accusing me of parental alienation that I have never
done...
I empathise totally with their respective plight and coping mechanisms and merely sought 'support for them'.
As the uk are so prejudice against all Aspergers matters - Could
you recommend any UK medical reports that support your well documented
and explained evidence...
We have had my son in the burns unit, a near drowning, walked off and left on the beach,
and currently the father has a chronic illness on top and his meltdowns are even worse than usual..
Our son was deaf for 2 years and only recently could I prove he isn't Aspergers..
but he is still wanting to never see his father again and sell all his stuff on e-bay from his dads when he gets home...
These are big issues...
Any help please - A kiddy with his own speech and language
issues - a lot of which I feel are to do with his father rejecting him
for initially presenting as he did himself.. It appears to me with
intimate knowledge of them both that:
a) The father is jealous of Max (his jealousy is on a par with his anger)
b) For all the things he dislikes in himself he hates in Max -
but his mild autism presentation is known to be deafness caused as he
has theory of mind, empathy and understanding of people..
Max just doesn't get and cant cope with his dad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good afternoon. I would love some suggestions for my best girlfriend to
help her with her asperger teenage son. My friend is very loving and
nurturing. However, it seems she is reluctant to encourage her son to be
independent. He is physically aggressive in his meltdowns. She tries to
create an environment that will not trigger his frustrations.
We live in western NC. There seems to be little assistance available for
asperger issues here. Her son has been asked to leave schools because
of his meltdowns. She currently has no school options for him. I would
love to see her allow him to attend a therapeutic boarding school.
However, his OCD issues are a problem with rooming with others.
Thank you for any suggestions I can pass along with her. She is a single parent at the end of her rope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a 36 year old
asperger son who is living independently on government pension. He was
just diagnosed in October. Throughout his life there have been
several false starts and failed attempts leaving him now with a complete
loss of confidence and depression as he feels there is no hope for any
normalcy in his future. Before the diagnosis he held hope that finding
the right medication would correct everything. He is also a
recovering addict from prescription drugs, drug free for last 8 years,
except for the odd marijuana cigarette. Now that he has the diagnosis
he feels hopeless and I believe has given up.
He
is opposed to seeing any health professional (doctors and pschy, social
workers etc.) but when he does, he chooses to fake good health when he
sees them. Seems to enjoy the approval/smiles etc that he gets from
them. I don’t quite understand this, but it is what he does. In
reality, he has some definite health concerns which he tells only me
about adding to my burden.
He
cannot manage his finances, constantly losing his money, bank card, or
wallet; and spends without any thought or planning for necessities.
Depression and anxiety are a huge problems and most disabling. Both
have been medically diagnosed. Has contact with only a small peer group
(most known since childhood and mostly drug addicts) but desperately
would like to be able to socialize and expand this group, but simply
cannot find the strength or skill to do so. He also has a sleep
disorder which interferes with his life; semi-sleeping most days about
20 hours, and then at other times unable to sleep for 3-4 days.
He
was recently accepted into a program designed especially for Adults
with Asperger around achieving customised specific goals. I initiated
the contact and attended the initial assessment with him, but its up to
him to decide if he wants to take advantage and so far he is not showing
even the slightest interest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark: I found your web site when I was seeking
answeres for my son and his wife and our grandson who has aspergers. I am
impressed witht the information and will on my husband agreement download the
e-book. My son is sceptical about anything that is not conventional therapy for
Ethan but insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over and it
doesn't work. Our hearts break as we watch this family disintigrate before our
eyes. Ethan is on medication and has some therapy but I would just love for them
to have the resources they need that actually work. I am going to try hard : )
to talk my son into reading your material. Ethans melt downs are getting out of
control as he gets older and stronger. It is painful to see an very intelligent
child robbed of his gift and childhood by a disorder than can be overcome
and not define him. But his parents need help. I hope my son will at least take
a look at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
Hello Mark,
I'm a new client, but have purchased your books and listened to your audiocasts.
Our
16-year-old is at an acting improv camp -- his first day -- and "got
sick" immediately and wants to come home. I am ignoring his repeated
calls but wondering if that's the right tactic.
Will
is a strong-willed kid who fits so many of your descriptions of hard
asperger's teens, and we've struggled to get him to do much this summer
beyond be with his friends. (Because he knows asperger's kids struggle
to make friends..his current obsession is to have many, many friends and
be with them as much as possible.)
He's a good
actor and witty and did fabulously in improv in high school, but I
pretty much begged him to go to this camp -- It's just five days in the
afternoon. But he doesn't know anyone, and I know it must be hard, and I
probably should have prepared him better.
It's over at 5 so I think I can hang on until that time now, but I may well struggle to get him there tomorrow. Any advice? It cost $200 with no refunds.
Ugh.
Thank you for all you do,
Kathleen
ANSWER:
RE: Any advice? Yes
...definitely. Keep on him about attending. Will he learn much about
improvisational acting? Probably not given his level of anxiety.
BUT - he WILL be developing some much needed emotional muscles for future use. In
the meantime, ask him if he can come up with an improv about "nervous" people
going to improv camp (how funny is that!). It might ease his nerves
!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I receive your daily newsletter and find it to be so helpful. I really
appreciate your articles. My 6 year old son struggles in many areas you
talk about. He has a school age diagnosis of emotional disturbance and
takes medication for
impulse aggression because his tantrums are so out of the blue and
violent. I was wondering if you have articles and tips that maybe I’ve
missed regarding fits of “self-hate”. When my son gets frustrated
during a non preferred activity he turns to self hate
for 30 minutes or more of out loud statements like “nobody likes me”,
“I have no friends”, “I’m stupid”, “I can’t do anything”, “I’m a bad
kid”, “I’m a loser”, etc. etc. He will go on and on. The truth is he
has a lot of friends, he is smart, he is a natural
athlete and he has love all around him. None of his statements are
true nor should he see himself in this way. I need to find a way to get
rid of this self destructive behavior. It gets in the way of him
accomplishing simple tasks like a homework page that
I know he can do, or a simple chore like picking up his stuffed animals
or returning books to a shelf. Those tasks should take 5 minutes but
after 30 or more minutes of self hate fits each item takes 45 minutes. I
appreciate your suggestions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
son was assessed in December by a psychologist through our private
insurance. We decided not to wait for the school psychologist because we
were told it could take up to a year to see her. He attended 4 one on
one sessions and we filled out 2 questionnaires, and spoke with her
about the issues we had been having with our son since he was a toddler
(he is now 7) At the end of the process we were told that he is
dyslexic, has attention deficiencies and is highly sensitive. We were
told to send him to a tutor for the dyslexia, he is learning to self
regulate the attention deficiencies so that was not of great concern and
to buy the book " the highly sensitive child" and we'd be fine.
In April/May the school psychologist was able to assess him. She
observed him in class as well as during recess and asked us to fill out
different questionnaires than we had previously filled out (The two
previous ones were helpful in assessing ADD/ADHD- the one we filled out
for the school was for Aspergers) and talked to me at length about his
issues. At the end of that process the school psychologist told us she
felt our son was on the high functioning end of the spectrum. She was
unable to formally diagnose him as it is against school policy and we
are now waiting to see a pediatrician- which here in Canada could take
upwards of 6-8 months.
My question is what is/are the major difference(s) between Highly
Sensitive Children and High Functioning Autism spectrum disorder? I am
feeling more confused/lost now than before we started the whole process.
I have found your website/FB page to be very helpful and informative. I am grateful that I found it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr. Hutten!
My name is Beverly and I have two sons that are
both Autstic. Kyle, my oldest, has a more severe form of it. In fact,
when he was younger the chief psychologist at Rileys Children's Hospital
said that his autism was so bad that he probably wouldnt have more than
50 words of speech or be able to dress or feed himself. Well, here we
are now and he is 13 years old and taller than me. He has done amazing
things and we all have had to work very hard to be here at this point.
However, 13 years is a long time to deal with the constant stress of
someone like Kyle.
Kyle is on a variety of medication to control
both his autistic tendencies, anxiety, and severe ADHD. We have opted to
go the least-effective-dose route and it has worked so far. What I am
writing to you about is his sleeping. It has always been an
issue and has only escalated recently. Either it has escalated or its
effects on me have taken their toll.
Several years ago Kyle would
repeatedly wake up in the middle of the night throwing up half way
across the room. We learned through trial and error what and how much to
let him eat before he fell asleep. Unfortunately we were not able to
save the carpet in his room and had to pull it up. After awhile Resolve
carpet cleaner can rub holes in any type of carpet.
I said all
that to tell you he is still waking up every other night. When this
happens he is in full panic mode and his stomach hurts. It has gotten to
the point that I hate going upstairs to my room because of the fear of
him waking up, thus waking me up next. He gets right in my face and acts
like he is about to die. My husband works 3rd shift which works for the
entire family so that we can spend time with him after work and school.
However, it leaves me dealing with Kyle in
the dark.
This happened this morning and that is why I am
emailing you. I realize that when a person is woken up while they are in
a deep sleep it can raise the cortisone levels and ultimately damage
their heart and nervous system. You can only imagine the mix of
frustration and tiredness that I deal with. Constantly.
This
morning he came in my room no less than 4-5 times before I had to
threaten him to stay put. Both boys have clocks in their rooms and know
that they are to stay there until their clocks say
6:30.
On another lovely note, no matter how late Kyle gets to sleep he wakes
up super early, everyday, 365 days a year. He has slept in a total of 5
times in his entirely life and it was only 15-20 minutes of
"oversleeping".
I need help. Plain and simple. I cant do this
anymore and I'm tired of being tired. He is taking an anti-anxiety
medication that seems to take his edge off. But there is still a type of
stress anytime he is
around, its almost like you could physically feel it.
I'm not
sure what else to do. Part of the frustration I deal with is that Im
trying to deal with him, all the while being quite enough so that we
don't wake up Jonathan who's room is across the hall from me. Is this
normal/common among Autistics? I really don't know what neuro-typical
is.
I don't want you to think that this is a minor thing that we
occasionally think is a bad thing. We have worked very hard with both
boys and have seen amazing progressions in them mentally and
emotionally. Its just that when he wakes up hungry/sick/out of it I seem
to be the one who pays the price for it. And as we all know parents of
special needs kids need to live forever. Thank you for any help you can
give.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I've been watching your videos on YouTube since January, when, after
watching every episode of Parenthood I could watch, I realized that my
husband might be on the autism spectrum. With two first cousins who
have been diagnosed, and a mother and uncle who have always exhibited
"strange" behaviors......it isn't far fetched, though it is hard to
believe.
We have 4 children, 3 are adopted (all have high emotional needs). I
have ADD, diagnosed a few years ago. My mother-in-law was just
re-located close to us....she has full blown Alzheimer's. Our newest
adopted child is deaf....he came home a year ago. We adopted a14 year
old from a troubled situation....she has neurological issues,
undiagnosed. You get the picture.
I know that in the grand scheme, and compared to many....my life is
"easy" and it is...truly. I am blessed beyond belief. My children are
wonderful, and my husband is also an amazing, loving, incredible partner
and individual. He and I have been "working" on our relationship for
years. It is hard to write this because he is so "normal" in so many
ways...yet, there are a few areas in which he is not, really...it's so
subtle, but as the stress in our life rises, and my ability to keep all
the "balls" in the air diminishes, it is becoming more and more evident
that something is not "typical", nor has it ever been.
I've read everything I can about Asperger's syndrome on your website. I
still haven't downloaded the book. We are trying to find a therapist
with knowledge of spectrum disorders for him to see and receive a
diagnosis from but haven't found one yet. If you have any referrals in
the Denver area, we would appreciate it.
I'm writing I guess, because I don't know who to turn to. I don't want
to tell my friends for fear that they will label him and look at us and
him differently. I have a therapist whom I have tried to talk with
about it, actually two....but I don't think they truly understand this
disorder, nor do they understand what I am going through as a spouse, so
that has proven frustrating.
I have so many needs in my life right now....so many who need me. I am
so afraid that I am not going to be able to do it....especially if I
have to "parent" my hubby too, for the rest of our lives. This thought
has me in bed today. I feel depressed, which is not typical, at all,
for me.
If you are available to coach me...that would be great. Let me know
when and I will call. (I am also a Life Coach.) Thank you for reading
my email.
Blessings on your work. It is so important.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello! I was trying to find someone that I could get professional
advice from without having to pay an arm and a leg or make appointments
with. I hope you are my answer. My boyfriend of 4 years and the father
of our 2 yr old son just recently found out that his daughter, who just
turned 8 years old was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's. She is not
his real daughter, although she knows him as "daddy" and has raised her
since birth. Her mother and I do not talk and my boyfriend cannot get
much information out of her on the subject. I need to know ways or tools
that I can use to help this young girl. The situation is very
frustrating for me and now, I realize I'm sure it is even harder for
her. It makes me sad that she is struggling and we want to help her and
make things as easy as possible. A few of
her symptoms include...
-meltdowns
-high anxiety
-constant hand washing
-rudeness
-continuing to talk or ask questions even after we have answered her
-having a hard time smiling when asked to for pictures, or showing emotion in general.
I knew there was something different about her when I met her. I am
not her mother or father, so I wasn't sure of past history or things
she has been through. I blew it off as a dramatic, immature, rude,
attention seeking girl. I now know other wise and just want to make life
easier for all of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finn
is actually a fairly clever guy (IQ 135) and tall for his age so I
think a lot of the problem is that people expect a lot of him, he has no
communication problems as such, in fact I am British and my hubby in
German, so he goes to a bilingual school here in Berlin. He does
struggle though to communicate effectively in a social setting, it is
very difficult for him to make friends and doesn't have a best friend
which saddens me but we move around a lot (Military) so perhaps this is
as much a self protection strategy as it is a coping strategy, perhaps
we can work that out together.
The behavioural problems are predominantly at school and in
places where there are a lot of people, a lot going on, a higher level
of noise and not a lot of peace or space. He doesn't really have
meltdowns anymore but he is stubborn and refuses to do things (not at
home, but at school for sure). The very same thing can often be done at
home in no time if he feels like it.
School makes the impression of trying to help but I am not
convinced they really care. They have already written him off as
probably being an academic failure despite the teaching staff all
acknowledging the fact that this is not a cognitive problem.
He doesn't really have a 'fascination' but he does read a lot and
the more stressed he is the more he reads. If we go to a new hairdresser
he will need to read all of the posters before he sits down, he tends
to get up and start reading whatever is on the wall if he is bored or
stressed. Sometimes he needs time out (not the naughty type) to
recharge, often 5-15 minutes is all he needs.
My husband and father of Finn is in the army, we are
married and living together in what I would say is a loving but up and
down relationship, the way that relationships are but since we found out
that our son has Aspergers, he was diagnosed about 5 months ago, things
are a lot calmer between us and I hope that we are becoming better and
more understanding parents.
More soon I guess as our coaching continues, I have had a business
coach before but never one for Finn, so I am looking forward to finding
ways to help Finn and the school that may help us at home too, anything
that helps those would help us too by taking the pressure off us a
little
I prefer not to tell my husband that I am working with you
immediately, he tends to be quite reluctant to seek help but is happy
for me to do so, I would recommend we work together, see some progress
and then I am happy of course to explain where I am getting the tips
from. I hope that you understand, it could be of course that my husband
has similar traits that he is not ready to think about too much just yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanted to email someone who knows more than I do about Aspergers, I often wonder if
my son leans more to having Aspergers, rather than his current diagnosis
of ADHD combined type w/ ODD, and a mood disorder..... He sees and
talks to "Dream Mares" at night time, as he calls them..... if he hasn't taken his risperidone
at night and has difficulties falling and staying asleep. Is it
possible for a child to have a form of Autism/Aspergers and still
socialize with others? He does try to talk to other peers, but doesn't
make friends well, he doesn't understand how to play with
others so they tend to leave him out which usually results in him
having a huge emotional breakdown, and makes the other children not want
to play with him more. He's deathly afraid of water anywhere above his chest
area, which his psychologist said sounded like a sensory issue, he also
has the ticks so to speak where he pats the back of his head, or claps
his hands at random times, and sometimes has trouble getting his words
out and gets very frustrated and has outburts at times.... I know Im not a doctor by any means, but I've done my own research and feel theres more going
on than what his dr has diagnosed him with... He will be 5 years old
Nov 20th and starts headstart this year and is NOT potty trained,
he was in a special ed class at the same school he's starting headstart
in and all 4 other children had different disabilities and they were
the first and really only real friends he's made, "normal" children so
to speak are a different story, i've asked the school and psychologist
to have him tested for Aspergers but they all refuse because he does
socialize with some children and adults, but at the same time he rarely
ever looks anyone in the eyes, including me, his own mother......
Any suggestions, comments, tips, would be greatly appreciated, and
thanks for taking the time to read my message and answering anything if
and when you can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr. Hutten. I have started a blog called
TweenEverything and would like to know if I could use you as a reference
on certain topics. What are your boundaries regarding this type of
thing? I believe in what you are doing and my clear intentions would be
to draw people to you, your newsletter, books etc. I do not have
specialized training in this field, but because I feel there is such a
great need in this age group, I feel that those professionals who have
gone through the schooling and training deserve to be more recognized
for their efforts.
I
have started this blog/website for parents because there is not a great
website, in general, where parents can go to get information about this
particular age group. This tween-young teen age I refer to is from age
10-14. Mostly the middleschool age. I’ve become passionate about this
age group of tweens & young tweens. Mostly because I have one
myself, age 11, and I am the Aunt to 4 others. In this age group there
are young tweens and older tweens depending on their age, maturity and
various other characteristics. I believe that these years in her life
are going to be key to her development. With that being said, in my
efforts to understand and learn about the tweens in my life, I have yet
to find one landing spot, or educational and informational site, that I
could look up to help me through this difficult, yet exciting journey.
So it is my goal for this website to be an informational website for
Parents about this age group and to help them during this awkward time
in their life. I hope for it to be a resource for parents who don’t
know how or aren’t able to talk to their kids about real important
issues. As parents, we need to help our “tweens” understand the “who,
what, when, why and how” of this very difficult and confusing time in
their life. I feel strongly that we need to start at a younger age to
equip this generation with the “know how” before they get to the teen
years or specifically high school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I suspect that my husband is an Aspie. At the moment, he has moved out from our home and both of us are comtemplating divorce.
My
husband has not had a formal diagnosis done to confirm it, but from
what I have read (symptoms of an Aspie), most of the traits show that he
may fall under that category.
I would very much like to save our marriage , now that I
realise he may not mean to behave in the way that he did as I truly
believe my husband is not aware of his condition and is just out there
crying out for someone to help him make sense of his world.
Furthermore, we have a son , who is now 3 years old, and I
would like to equip myself with the knowledge of understanding/living
with an Aspie.
We are both from different background (
me being Asian, while my husband is German) and it adds on to the the
challenge of understanding each other. We are also 5 years apart in
term of age gap ( me being older by 5 years) and that we have children
together from my previous marriage.
I began to notice his 'coldness' after our son was born
and having to communicate with him seemed impossible as he does get
defensive and at times lie to cover for his weaknesses ( I suppose).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I have enjoyed many of your videos and articles on
Aspergers Syndrome, due to chance that I have Aspergers Syndrome. I have
two sons, which have been diagnosed with infantile autism, so our
psychologist a the childrens psychiatric clinic noticed some traits,
which relate to Aspergers Syndrome. It is not so nice to know that I
might have Aspergers. I have also enjoyed the video on the Loner
subtype. I am most likely to be a loner, and I found the video very
helpful, although I am in doubt whether the type is fixed, or they are
in a process? The Actor might always know, he is acting, but the
"Outcast" might has given up acting or has been caught acting. Finally
the "Loner" may have given up altogether and has simply given up on
eveything and everybody.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello.
We have a male resident in our long-term care home (age 85) who
presents with possible undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. In collecting
some information from his sons, and his current disposition, it is a
consideration. I can find very little literature on diagnosing
and treating/ caring for an elder adult with this diagnosis. I am
familiar with Asperger’s as I have a 12-year old nephew diagnosed with
same. The care team would like to better provide support and meaning to
this older man’s life but struggle to connect with him. We are fairly
certain that we are not dealing with a dementia-type disposition such
as Alzheimer’s. Can you direct me to pertinent literature addressing Asperger’s in elders/older adults?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, I
am a virtual guidance counselor that works with students within a k-12
life skills program. I came across your ebook today and wondered if I
could put the social skill stories into a power point to present during
my guidance sessions on my online classroom? My students range from
high functioning autism to those with aspergers and I think that the
social skill stories would be a great addition to my guidance lessons on
social skills and character education. Please
let me know if permission to share those stories via online with my
students is allowed. I have not yet purchased the book. Thanks
J.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was grace of God that I found your website Mark! I have ordered your book and I am anxious to devour it!
My
husband and I have a 21 year old who is learning to deal with his AS.
We discovered it his freshman year of college so it is only 4-5 months
of knowledge. We are at a loss right now trying to get him to find
ownership in anything! We accept his AS and embrace that that is the
reason he failed out of college...we accept his need for down time to
"detox" from the day and we embrace the need to meet him as an AS rather
than neuro typical.... ( much like wizards and Muggles from Harry
Potter!) but here is where we are stuck.
this
weekend we found out he had quit his job back in march and has been
pretending to go to work just to appease us. He lied to us in a way he
has not ever done. We only found out after he had wrecked his truck and
shredded his rear tire! We suspect he was trying not to be a problem
to us as we were (and still are) dealing with his younger brothers
substance abuse. the two were not super close but i am wondering if he
is effected in some way. Regardless, Erich, our 21 year old is the new
worry! He has no drive for anything and no interest in any one area
other than video games ( hand held or otherwise) He is taking classes
for college but even with that has NO motivation for advancement and it
feels like he is only doing it to please us. We are okay and embrace
the possibility of only a two year trade school, only he has no clue
what to do! I just need it to be his choice in order to get his passion
applied to success. He is simply floundering.
When
he failed out and came home we had him pay rent etc to be in our house.
It was before we knew he is AS sand when we found out - we slacked off
the requirements. He made a whole year of payments and worked two jobs
to make it happen. Now he seems to be lost again.
Help!
We are open to any ideas! We just found FOPI is stafford, TX thru
Focus Initiative. We are willing to do anything but I just can't help
but think there has got to be something that we are missing....simple
and straight forward? I am a first grade teacher and work with little
guys all day long but can't help my own son....and we are growing
frustrated but refuse to give up!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reached your site when I was looking for help with my Aspie teen
who is 17. In the past two years, he has gone from working hard to
completely giving up on life, work and happiness. He say "I hate work,
and I would rather kill others and kill myself than work" and has tried
to hurt me physically. He is in between meds, having tried Prozac
(worked somewhat at first, but numbed him after a few years, and
Risperidone (blurred vision). His rage episodes have gone from once
in a few months to daily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have a 28 year old well, over 6 foot tall and well built. He
becomes very passionate with a range of topics, today's being the purity
of the white race. His conversations are very heavy and exhausting and
even harder when the subject is at the extreme, but if we do not listen
or agree it seems to be enough to put him into melt down and he will at
times become abusive and violent.
We are
getting older and now fear for our safety, as at these times, as you
know, he is out of control. We are afraid for us, and him, for the day
he loses control and permanently harms us. If this occurs, it could
mean the end of one of our lives as well as the end of his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Video-modeling” may be one of the most effective social-skills training tools used for kids with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). This technique involves the child watching a video demonstration of a behavior, and then imitating the behavior of the model.
“Video-modeling” may be one of the most effective social-skills training tools used for kids with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). This technique involves the child watching a video demonstration of a behavior, and then imitating the behavior of the model.
