Is your adult child with Aspergers or high functioning autism still living with you and taking little responsibility for his or her life? Do you feel that change needs to happen?
"How can I help my son (high functioning autistic) to avoid over-reacting to 'teasing' from schoolmates? Some of them apparently pester him because they know they can get a 'rise' out of him, which results in my son being the one who gets in trouble."
Too often, children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) get teased by their peers, but they may not fully understand why they are being targeted – or worse yet – when teasing crosses the line into bullying. Thus, it’s up to parents to educate their children about teasing (e.g., when it's innocent child’s play, when it has gone too far, how to respond, etc.).
In selecting the appropriate strategies to deal with "the teaser,” parents will need to determine the specific strengths and weaknesses their child has socially. They can do this by observing their youngster interacting with peers and siblings. Next, parents should take time to think about their child's temperament. Temperament includes:
sensitivity or emotional reactivity
persistence
intensity
initial reaction to situations and people
general mood
distractibility
adaptability
activity level
All AS and HFA kids are not the same. Finally, parents should take the youngster’s age into consideration.
The best strategies fit your youngster’s situation, age, skills, temperament, and the seriousness of the teasing incidents. Teaching your son or daughter the skills described below takes time and effort. The behaviors must be modeled and practiced if your youngster is going to be successful. The payoffs are significant though. Payoffs include safety, self-confidence, resiliency, ability to handle difficult or frightening situations, and the belief your youngster develops that he has the ability to master and to change challenging situations.
Always teach more than one strategy to combat teasing so that your youngster always has a second one to try if the first doesn’t work out (three to five well-mastered strategies from the list below works best).
How to help children with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism handle teasing:
1. Begin by teaching self-control strategies. Start with a discussion about teasing, carefully and explicitly describing situations when your youngster should try to handle the teasing herself, and when she should NOT try to manage the teaser.
2. Keep your cool. It is important that the teaser does not see that your son or daughter is upset or afraid. Control of emotions needs to be taught first. This takes lots of practice, especially for kids who are emotionally reactive, timid or impulsive.
3. Describe the difference between teasing, harassment and bullying. When teasing is excessive – it’s harassment. When harassment continues over time – it’s bullying.
4. Carefully define dangerous situations. Your youngster must not try to manage dangerous situations himself.
5. Agree with the facts. This is one of the easier ways to handle a teaser, but it requires emotional control. Example: The teaser says, “You have a lot of freckles.” Your youngster responds, “Right.” The teaser says, “You’re a crybaby.” Your youngster says, “I’m a sensitive person.” When the teaser points out your child’s mistakes, teach your child to say, “You’re right, I blew it.”
6. Tell your youngster that sometimes he will need to find an adult and get help (e.g., “If the teasing doesn’t stop or is dangerous, if the teaser threatens to hurt you, or if the teaser touches you, tell a grown-up as soon as possible”).
7. Ask for clarification. Simply ask calmly and without emotion, "What did you say?" or "What do you mean?" Usually the teaser doesn’t know what to say next and will say “forget it.” If the teaser repeats the comment, stare blankly and walk away.
8. Avoiding the teaser is an important strategy for some situations. Remind your youngster to go a different way, and to stay near other kids or grown-ups. This is a safety strategy for teasing verging on bullying, and for kids who do not yet have the skills or confidence to use the strategies that they are learning.
9. Practice assertive body language with your youngster. Find pictures in magazines in which the person looks powerless, and ones in which the models appear assertive. Point out body posture and facial expressions. Act out assertive postures (e.g., standing tall, looking directly at the other person, tightening the jaw and arms, relaxing the rest of the body, etc.).
10. Teach your youngster a script to say over and over until the teasing stops (because it’s no longer fun for the teaser), for example “This is getting very boring” … “Stop it” … “Don’t you have anything else to do.” The script needs to be assertive – but not challenging. The statement needs a shrug, a scrunched up face and shake of the head, or a slight smile respectively. This technique requires a lot of skill because the nonverbal behavior is very important along with the statement. Remind your youngster to check if the situation is safe before using this technique.
11. Learn how to deal with whispers. Teach your youngster to ask, “Do you have something to say about me?” when peers are whispering and laughing. Assertive body language and an exaggerated facial expression works well here.
12. Decide if the situation is safe. Your youngster must not try to handle situations that are not safe. Unsafe situations can be recognized when (a) the teasing occurs in a very isolated place with no other kids or grown-ups around, (b) the teasers are much older or bigger, (c) the teasing involves pushing, tripping, or threats, and (d) the teasing occurs over and over. In these cases, AS and HFA kids need to get help and report what is happening to them as soon as possible (use the word ‘report’ rather than ‘telling’ given the sanctions against ‘telling’ within the peer-group).
13. Learn to confront. “Confrontational” statements are designed to stop teasers in their tracks. Examples: “I didn’t do anything to you, why are you bugging me?” … “That’s not funny at all” … “I don’t like this” … “Could you please stop?” … “Cool it.” The nonverbal behavior used with this strategy is important. Practice standing tall, using direct eye-contact and setting a firm expression.
14. Use disarming humor. Use humor, laugh about the teasing, and make it playful. A witty one-liner might be enough to make the teaser stop. Laughing can turn a hurtful situation into a funny one (but it requires some maturity on the part of the AS or HFA child to do this successfully). For example, teach your youngster to use clever comebacks like, “Thanks, I love compliments”… “Hard to believe, isn’t it?”… “Old clothes are in, didn’t you know?”… “You made my day” … “Tell me something I don’t already know” …and so on.
15. Use distraction. Teach your youngster to talk about something else to distract or divert the focus of the teasing comments. Make a short comment about a nearby game or activity, a class, or what is going to be served for lunch.
16. Use agreement. Agree with everything that the teaser is saying. Say something like, “Yes that’s true”… “I see what you mean” … “Makes sense to me.”
17. Use compliments. Teach your youngster to compliment the teaser by saying something like, “Wow, you’re better than me, I’m still learning” … “You’re good at this, how about helping me?”…and so on.
18. Use “I Feel” statements. This technique works best when the AS or HFA child uses it within earshot of a grown-up. If it is used when there is no help around, it can invite more teasing. Practice checking to see that an adult is within earshot, making eye contact, speaking clearly, using a polite tone of voice and saying, “When you ___ I feel ___ because ___ so please stop” (e.g., “When you keep calling me stupid, I feel sad because I thought you were my friend …so please stop”).
19. Show no emotion. Anger and tears usually make teasing worse. Staying in control is very difficult for many AS and HFA kids. It requires active and intense effort. Your youngster must have adequate emotional control to pull this off. For this technique to work, he needs to be careful not to look at the teaser or respond to the teaser.
20. Help your youngster understand when it is dangerous to try to manage the teaser (e.g., when the teaser is older or much stronger, or when the teasing takes place in isolated areas with no one around).
21. Parents should NOT confront the youngster who is doing the teasing for several reasons:
it makes it difficult for the children to “make up”
it makes your youngster even more powerless (e.g., the teaser may say something like, “Your ‘mommy’ is trying to save you”)
the teaser’s parents may view the situation much differently than you do
your youngster may become friends with the teaser next week (you know how kids are – mortal enemies one minute, inseparable buddies the next)
22. Leave assertively. This technique is for situations when the teaser is in your youngster’s face. Teach your youngster to say things like, “I’m leaving” … “I have more important things to do” … “Go bother someone else” … “I’m out of here” … “See you later!” … “Leave me alone” … “I don’t have to listen to this” … “Quit bugging me” …and so on. Teach your youngster to use one of these statements, and then to walk away quickly. Practice making only one assertive statement. Be sure that your youngster understands that this technique may not work all the time. If it doesn’t work, a different technique needs to be used immediately. Thus, when practicing, teach several techniques at the same time.
23. Make sure that your youngster understands that reporting something that is cruel or hurtful is not “tattling,” rather it’s “standing up for your rights.” If your youngster has issues around tattling, and the situation is not immediately dangerous, suggest that she warn the teaser that she will tell if the teasing doesn’t stop. Once warned, it is more acceptable to tell.
24. Question the teaser. Teach your AS/HFA youngster to ask questions, which are designed to neutralize what is being said by the teaser. For example, “Why are you so interesting in my glasses?” … “Why would you care that I didn’t comb my hair today?” … “Are you always a joker, or are you just making a special effort with me?” …and so on. An innocent expression works well with this strategy.
25. Use positive thinking. This technique is for the youngster who is less reactive and feels okay about himself. Explain to your youngster that he has the power to choose how to act when someone is teasing. Your youngster can decide that it isn’t worth the trouble to get upset, or he can decide that there is no way that the teaser is going to win by seeing him upset. Help your youngster see that he doesn’t have to let the other person have power. The person who has the power is the one who stays in control.
26. Use reframing. This is a technique which changes your youngster’s perception about the negative statement. Turn the tease into a comment. For example, if your youngster is being teased about wearing glasses, she could say something like, “Thanks for noticing my glasses” … “That’s cool that you noticed me” …and so on.
27. Teach several relaxation techniques (e.g., deep breathing, counting backwards, thinking of a pleasant scene, etc.). Relaxation methods do not work in stressful situations, unless they are practiced in situations that are not stressful. Practice with your youngster several times a day, making a game of the methods, or calling them “daily exercises.”
28. Use self-talk. Teach your youngster by modeling talking to yourself. This is a silent “pep-talk” strategy. Help your youngster practice saying very quietly (and later to himself) things like, “I don’t like this, but I can handle it” … “I don’t believe what this kid is saying about me” … “I have a lot of talents” …and so on. This strategy requires ability to concentrate when stressed.
29. Just shrug. A quick technique is to shrug your shoulders and walk away.
30. Another good strategy is to simply say, “So?” …in response to teasing. This technique must be executed with appropriate nonverbal communication, thus it needs practice. The nonverbal gestures could include a quick smile, a slight tip of the head, or a slight shrug of the shoulder before walking away.
31. State the obvious. Teach your son or daughter to comment on what the teaser is doing (e.g., "You’re kicking my chair" … "You’re standing on my foot"). This requires an accompanying nonverbal gesture (e.g., raised eyebrows and pursed lips).
32. Use visualization. Ask your youngster to picture himself as a ball, and the words that the teaser is saying are bouncing off -- or he can pretend that there is a shield or bubble around him so that the words can’t get through. Teach your youngster that he can refuse to listen to the insults, protecting himself with an imaginary bubble or an invisible protective shield. Some AS and HFA kids can imagine themselves as a super-power figure that is safe from insults and mockery.
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
"How can we keep our son from melting down every other time we attempt to eat out? We've had to leave in the middle of a meal numerous times of late (very embarrassing)."
One of the biggest challenges for parents with an Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism) youngster is going out for dinner at a restaurant. Some children are disturbed by changes in their routine, others can be annoyed by noisy places, and some simply do not like to wait in line.
So, a lot of moms and dads choose to avoid eating out at restaurants – including on their family vacation. However, there are a few tricks that you can use to making dining out with your “special needs” child more enjoyable.
Tips for dining out with your Aspergers and HFA child:
1. Considering eating dinner a bit earlier (e.g., 4:30 pm) when the restaurant is not as crowded.
2. Demonstrate the whole dining out experience at home first. Practice reviewing a menu, ordering, coloring, etc.
3. Give the waiter your credit card up front and tell her you may have to leave early.
4. Leave early even if things are going well. End on a good note by heading home immediately after you take your last bite. Don’t press your luck by staying too long.
5. Rehearse eating out at a low-stake establishment first (e.g., a fast food restaurant, a salad bar/buffet). This will help pave the way toward managing a meal at a nicer restaurant.
6. Look for restaurants with patios so you can sit outside. It’s usually not as crowded outside, and there is a little more space between tables.
7. If you stay in a Hotel that serves food, consider having food delivered to the room, or get takeout and bring it back to the room.
8. Make sure the restaurant can accommodate a diet for kids on the autism spectrum, because as you know, many of these young people have restricted diets (e.g., gluten-free).
9. Have your child use the bathroom before leaving the house so you can possibly avoid giving with the “public restroom rules” speech.
10. One of the most difficult situations for many of these kids is dealing with delays and having to wait. If you face a long wait, break the time into smaller chunks that can be more easily managed by your youngster. For example, you might tell your youngster that you will be waiting for 10 minutes. When that time is up, walk outside for a few minutes, and then return to the waiting area.
11. Visual cues (e.g., setting a timer) help focus the youngster’s attention away from a long wait. Be sure that you have control of the time. It is important to have a good idea of how long a delay you really face. If the wait takes longer than 30 minutes, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a meltdown.
12. Try to locate restaurants that are renowned for fast service. Many Mexican establishments are great for this.
13. Watch for signs of an impending meltdown (e.g., child is holding his head, frowning, getting fidgety, beginning to exhibit “tics” such as rapid eye blinking, etc.). It’s better to leave hungry while the waters are still calm than to risk getting stuck in an emotional storm with all eyes watching.
14. Prepare your youngster for what is going to happen next during the dining experience (e.g., “the waiter will be here shortly to take our order” … “the waiter is getting ready to bring our food” … “we are going to be leaving in about 10 minutes” …and so on).
15. Pay attention to what your son is doing at all times. Younger children on the spectrum don’t think twice about leaning over and stealing a few onion rings from the guy at the next table, or staring-down the teenager in a nearby booth.
16. Strongly consider allowing your child to take a gadget with him into the restaurant – anything to keep him distracted (e.g., toy, handheld video games, etc.).
17. Try to go to places that immediately serve an appetizer (e.g., chips, bread, peanuts, etc.) so your youngster is not waiting for food. Italian restaurants are great for this.
18. Don't wait until Pepsi has been spilled all over your pants before asking that your youngster's drink be served in a “to go” cup with a lid.
19. Prepare ahead of time by using visual schedules and social stories about what the restaurant experience will be like.
20. If you attempt a dining out experience that fails miserably, just leave early and go home. Do not use the trip home as an opportunity to lecture your child. After he has calmed down, talk with your child about what worked, what didn’t, and what everyone can do differently the next time you go out to eat. Rehearse this at home (i.e., play a game called "eating out"). Practice makes perfect – don’t give up!
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
• Anonymous said... My son is 12. Eating out does have its challenges we have had some awful evenings out but now we always make sure he has his book/kindle with him Any stressful situation or bad behaviour we just get him to read, It relaxes and calms him. He escapes into his story and forgets what's around him. • Anonymous said... Thanks this was very helpful. We are going on holiday in a few weeks and its useful to have some helpful advice for.meals out or routine changes etc. I will be taking my sand timer with me for little man to use x • Anonymous said... The only problem I have when we go out a restaurant is . My son only eats pizza. So we can only go to restaurant that have pizza on the kids menu:( • Anonymous said... We dont have as much trouble with the waiting as we do with him getting sick. I guess being in a social environment makes him so nervous he gets sick when we go out. • Anonymous said... We just did this last week with my 5 year old. He is one of five children, and second to last. Our mexican resturant knows our situation, so when ever they see us coming they seat us in thier closed section! Its great because it gives me a chance to work with him and also see where he is at, as he gets older. You never know till you try I feel your challenges everyday! Thank you for your page. Its so helpful and nice to know i'm not alone... Good.luck everyone! • Anonymous said... Yes, it's our inclination to avoid taking them out, but I feel it's better to keep providing them with outside experiences. It's about preparing them ahead of time. A few days before tell them you are going out to dinner. Tell them where. It's best to go to the same place when possible for a while and then branch out. Remind them of the place. Describe it to them. Prepare them if you think there will be a little wait. Bring something to occupy them. Think about the menu. Download it if you can. Have them circle what they want. We do that with the children's menu placemats. So when the waiter appears they don't have to "remember", they know! They can even point. Repetition, Repetition, Repetition... it's my motto!
"How can I help my child to generalize from one social situation to another? In other words, how can he learn 'social themes' on his own? I would like for him to realize that any particular interaction is nearly identical to some others."
Children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are hard to train in typical social behaviors, but they spontaneously learn things that neurotypical (non-autistic) children may consider difficult (e.g., memorizing license plate numbers of parked cars or home addresses in the neighborhood). The learning styles of AS/HFA children and neurotypical children are better suited to learn different tasks.
AS and HFA children’s difficulty of learning social behavior is similar to neurotypical children’s difficulty of memorizing random factual details (e.g., phone numbers). Both arise from a mismatch between learning style and task. Intensive long-term training would surely make neurotypical kids remember a phonebook better, but they will never do quite as well as AS and HFA kids. Similarly, intensive long-term training would help AS and HFA kids by supplying more examples to match a given social situation, but they will never have the flexibility and efficiency in social interactions that neurotypical kids have.
Since most relationships in social interaction, language and sensorimotor processing contain many “unspoken” variables (e.g., context of the relationship, body language), social skills training should focus on how to teach AS and HFA children to comprehend, retain and model such intricacies.
There are mnemonic tricks (i.e., memory aids) that can help neurotypical children to remember random facts (e.g., phone numbers, digits in Ï€). The idea is to associate random facts with a story or coherent theme that is easy for neurotypical children to learn and remember. These tricks can be reversed to help AS and HFA children. They can learn to use lists of memorized random facts to “code” common themes in social interaction, language, and even sensorimotor processing. AS and HFA kids clearly have the ability to learn certain “social-themes” (e.g., how to start a conversation, create friendships, empathize, etc.), and it is possible to extend their ability through systematic social skills training.
Unlike neurotypical children, who tend to naturally figure-out complex social rules, AS and HFA children have difficulty “discovering” common social-themes on their own, particularly complex ones. Thus, common social-themes should be explained to them explicitly. It helps to start training them on one simple social task (e.g., how to smile and say “hi” to a peer) and gradually move on to more complex ones (e.g., how to start and maintain a conversation).
Case example: One of my young Asperger’s clients had difficulty listening to his mother speaking whenever there was a lot of distracting background noise (e.g., people moving about and talking at a restaurant). This child couldn’t filter-out environmental stimuli and focus on what was his mother was telling him (he had the same problem listening to his teacher’s instructions at school if the classroom wasn’t completely quiet). So, we set-up a training session as follows:
Step 1: With just one source of background noise (in this case, a blowing fan), the mother gave one piece of instruction to her son (in this case, he was asked to button the top button on his shirt).
Step 2: With the fan blowing, she gave two pieces of instruction simultaneously (“tie your shoe and then please bring me that book sitting on the table”).
Step 3: We introduced two sources of background noise (the blowing fan and a radio playing within ear-shot). The mother made one, then two, then three requests, and her son was asked to respond appropriately.
Step 4: We introduced a third piece of background noise (the fan, the radio, and two people conversing within ear-shot in an adjacent room). The mother made one, then two, then three requests, and her son was asked to respond appropriately.
We continued this procedure until (a) there were five sources of background noise and (b) the child responded appropriately to five of his mother’s requests.
Much like a deaf person who learns to read lips, this young boy eventually trained himself to watch the lips of the speaker as a way to focus on the speaker’s words rather than any accompanying background noise. Also, he was instructed on why learning a general social-theme (in this case, attentively listening to others) is more useful than storing specific examples precisely. He was taught how to generalize (i.e., apply regularity to perform a social task) without “memorizing” individual examples (e.g., smiling and saying “hello” to his teacher is the same way he smiles and says “hello” to all other adults).
Indeed, many moms and dads of kids with AS and HFA are concerned about their youngsters’ social functioning. They know that their sons and daughters have many wonderful qualities to offer others, but the nature of their disorder, or more precisely, their poor social skills, often preclude them from establishing meaningful social relationships. This frustration is amplified when moms and dads know that their “special needs” kids want desperately to have social contacts, but fail miserably when trying to make friends. Often, their failure is a direct result of inefficient programs and inadequate resources typically made available for social skills training. While most neurotypical kids learn basic skills simply by exposure to social situations, kids with AS and HFA must be taught these skills explicitly – and as early as possible!
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:
One of the biggest challenges for parents with an Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism) youngster is going out for dinner at a restaurant. Some children are disturbed by changes in their routine, others can be annoyed by noisy places, and some simply do not like to wait in line.
Children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are hard to train in typical social behaviors, but they spontaneously learn things that neurotypical (non-autistic) children may consider difficult (e.g., memorizing license plate numbers of parked cars or home addresses in the neighborhood). The learning styles of AS/HFA children and neurotypical children are better suited to learn different tasks.
