Students with HFA, ADHD, and Anxiety: Tips for Parent and Teachers

Question

My 14 year old son has been diagnosed with high functioning autism and ADHD when he was 9 years old. He attended public elementary school and has been at a small private school for 7th grade and is currently in 8th grade. He suffered in elementary school due to a few kids, however, the private school has been such a positive experience for him, he could be himself and his self esteem grew.

Here’s the issue: He has been suffering from a “virus” since the end of August. He remains symptomatic and has been to numerous doctors and testing, all negative. His stomach pain, fevers, pains are all real; however, a few doctors have suggested that they may be psychosomatic in nature. In September, he was not able to walk, or bear weight due to acute muscle pain in his legs. Along with Migraine headaches and Flu like symptoms. His muscle pain has just recently subsided, after months of physical therapy, Gabapentin (he’s being weaned off), acupuncture, Advil and whatever we can do to help him... He has not made it through a full week of school to date. His only coping mechanism was to dive into music (grunge; Nirvana, Foo Fighters, and rock; Pink Floyd, etc.) . He has become the expert and has taught himself the guitar. He was on months of bed rest, so his room became his safe haven. He is admittedly suffering from depression and has been hearing “voices” that tell him what to do. He doesn’t sleep through the night, and the voices yell at him and put him down. He is a sweet, child who is so special...he used to be very convicted with his love for Jesus, but now can’t even say His name.

Sorry for the length of the email, but I felt that you needed some type of background on him. He currently sees a Psych MD every 2 months (15 minute visits) just for medication management and has been seeing a counselor for social skills since he was 9 years old, and outgrew the services...he hasn’t been to that therapist since the summer because the sessions had become “gab” sessions...

His PCP and Psych MD have taken him off Concerta 54mg and he’s completely off Gabapentin for a 2 week trial that’s medication free. He has NOTICEABLY improved with energy and NO stomach pain at all!! He still feels depressed inside, even though he appears to be energetic and happy... OK... what to do from this point forward?

Answer

Re: He remains symptomatic and has been to numerous doctors and testing, all negative. His stomach pain, fevers, pains are all real; however, a few doctors have suggested that they may be psychosomatic in nature…

I would agree that it is mostly psychosomatic. Sometimes a child continually complains of a discomfort or a pain for which a doctor cannot find a cause. The pain or the discomfort, however, is very real to the child. Physical complaints with no apparent medical basis may be a reflection of a stress, such as nervousness in a social situation, a demanding school setting, separation from parents, or other stressful situation. Stress, as it affects the body and the mind, has an effect on some illnesses and can influence how a child perceives the symptoms of the illness, how he deals with the illness, and the rate of recovery.

Re: He has not made it through a full week of school to date…

This is probably related to some school anxiety issues. High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children of all ages commonly experience school anxiety (i.e., school-related stress). This is often most apparent at the end of summer when school is about to start again, but it can occur year-round. This post explains school anxiety – and what can be done to help the "special needs" child become more relaxed and confident.

Social Stressors—

Many children with HFA and Asperger's experience some level anxiety in social situations they encounter in school. While some of these issues provide important opportunities for growth, they must be handled with care:

• Bullies— Many schools now have anti-bullying programs and policies. Though bullying does still happen at many schools, even those with these policies, help is generally more easily accessible than it was years ago. The bad news is that bullying has gone high-tech. Many children use the Internet, cell phones and other media devices to bully other children, and this type of bullying often gets very aggressive. One reason is that bullies can be anonymous and enlist other bullies to make their target miserable. Another reason is that they don't have to face their targets, so it's easier to shed any empathy that they may otherwise feel.

• Peers— While most children would say that friends are one of their favorite aspects of school, they can also be a source of stress. Concerns about not having enough friends, not being in the same class as friends, not being able to keep up with friends in one particular area or another, interpersonal conflicts, and peer pressure are a few of the very common ways children can be stressed by their social lives at school. Dealing with these issues alone can cause anxiety in even the most secure children.

• Educators— A good experience with a caring teacher can cause a lasting impression on a youngster's life -- so can a bad experience. While most educators do their best to provide children with a positive educational experience, some children are better suited for certain teaching styles and classroom types than others. If there's a mismatch between student and teacher, a youngster can form lasting negative feelings about school or his own abilities.

Scheduling Stressors—

Many grown-ups find themselves overwhelmingly busy these days—work hours are getting longer, vacations are shortened or skipped, and people find themselves with little down time. Sadly, our children are facing similar issues. Here are some of the main scheduling stressors they face:

• Lack of Family Time— Due in part to the busyness of kids' lives and the hectic schedules of most moms and dads, the sit-down family dinner has become the exception rather than the rule in many households. While there are other ways to connect as a family, many families find that they’re too busy to spend time together and have both the important discussions and the casual day recaps that can be so helpful for children in dealing with the issues they face. Due to a lack of available family time, many moms and dads aren't as connected to their children, or knowledgeable about the issues they face, as they would like.

• Not Enough Sleep— According to a poll on this site, a large proportion of readers aren't getting enough sleep to function well each day. Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem that grown-ups face. As schedules get busier, even young children are finding themselves habitually sleep-deprived. This can affect health and cognitive functioning, both of which impact school performance.

• Over-scheduling— Much has been said in the media lately about the over-scheduling of our children, but the problem still continues. In an effort to give their children an edge, or to provide the best possible developmental experiences, many moms and dads are enrolling their children in too many extra-curricular activities. As children become teens, school extracurricular activities become much more demanding. College admissions standards are also becoming increasingly competitive, making it difficult for college-bound high school children to avoid over-scheduling themselves.

Academic Stressors—

Not surprisingly, much of the stress of school is related to what children learn and how they learn it. The following are some of the main sources of academic stress for children on the autism spectrum:

• Homework Problems— Children are being assigned a heavier homework load than in past years, and that extra work can add to a busy schedule and take a toll.

• Learning Styles Mismatch— You may already know that there are different styles of learning -- some learn better by listening, others retain information more efficiently if they see the information written out, and still others prefer learning by doing. If there's a mismatch in learning style and classroom, or if your youngster has a learning disability (especially an undiscovered one), this can obviously lead to a stressful academic experience.

• Test Anxiety— Many of us experience test anxiety, regardless of whether or not we're prepared for exams. Unfortunately, some studies show that greater levels of test anxiety can actually hinder performance on exams. Reducing test anxiety can actually improve scores.

• Work That's Too Easy— Just as it can be stressful to handle a heavy and challenging workload, some kids can experience stress from work that isn't difficult enough. They can respond by acting out or tuning out in class, which leads to poor performance, masks the root of the problem, and perpetuates the difficulties.

• Work That's Too Hard— There's a lot of pressure for children to learn more and more and at younger ages than in past generations. For example, while a few decades ago kindergarten was a time for learning letters, numbers, and basics, most kindergarteners today are expected to read. With test scores being heavily weighted and publicly known, schools and educators are under great pressure to produce high test scores; that pressure can be passed on to children.

Environmental Stressors—

Certain aspects of an HFA youngster's environment can also cause stress that can spill over and affect school performance. The following are some stressors that moms and dads may not realize are impacting their kids:

• Lack of Preparation— Not having necessary supplies can be a very stressful experience for a youngster, especially one who's very young. If a youngster doesn't have an adequate lunch, didn't bring his signed permission slip, or doesn't have a red shirt to wear on "Red Shirt Day," for example, he may experience significant stress. Younger children may need help with these things.

• Lack of Sleep— As schedules pack up with homework, extracurricular activities, family time and some “down time” each day, children often get less sleep than they need. Operating under a sleep deficit doesn’t just mean sleepiness, it can also lead to poor cognitive functioning, lack of coordination, moodiness, and other negative effects.

• Noise Pollution— Believe it or not, noise pollution from airports, heavy traffic, and other sources have been shown to cause stress that impacts kids' performance in school.

• Poor Diet— With the overabundance of convenience food available these days and the time constraints many experience, the average youngster's diet has more sugar and less nutritious content than is recommended. This can lead to mood swings, lack of energy, and other negative effects that impact stress levels.

Signs of school anxiety in HFA and Aspergers kids include:

• Clinging behavior

• Difficulty going to sleep

• Exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals, monster, burglars

• Excessive worry and fear about parents or about harm to themselves

• Fear of being alone in the dark

• Feeling unsafe staying in a room by themselves

• Headaches

• Lying

• Meltdowns

• Negative attitude

• Nightmares

• Refusing to go to school

• Severe tantrums when forced to go to school

• Shadow the mother or father around the house

• Stomachaches

• Withdrawal, regressive behavior, or excessive shyness

What Can Be Done To Reduce School Anxiety In Students On The Spectrum?

Here are 12 important tips:

1. Understand the value of tears. Crying can be a great stress reliever. It flushes out bad feelings and eases tension. It's hard to see your youngster crying, and your first instinct may be to help him stop as soon as possible. But after the tears have all come out, your youngster may be in a particularly open and receptive mood for talking and sharing. Provide a soothing and sympathetic presence, but let the crying run its course.

2. Set a regular time and place for talking with your youngster, whether in the car, on a walk, during mealtimes, or just before bed. Some of these young people will feel most comfortable in a cozy private space with your undivided attention, but others might welcome some sort of distraction to cut the intensity of sharing their feelings.

3. Routines are good. They help alleviate stress. Establishing a regular bedtime, get-up time, and bath time is important at any age. It also helps children with the disorder learn to develop routines themselves. Family meetings are important. At the beginning of school, set a weekly time to regroup and to talk about what's going on and how it will work: who gets the shower first, what time to set the alarm clocks for. Give everybody a chance to talk.

4. Resist the urge to fix everything. There are some instances in which moms and dads do have to take action. If your youngster is in a class that's too challenging, or is having trouble because an IEP isn't being followed, there are steps you can take. If a teacher or a classmate is truly harassing your youngster, you will want to follow up with that. But you'll also want to teach him that some things in life just have to be dealt with, even though they stink. Fix only what's really badly broken.

5. Know when to get help. Most kids experience school anxiety to some extent, and some feel it more deeply and disruptively. When does it become a big enough problem to require professional help? Some signs to look for are major changes in friendships, style of clothing, music preferences, sleeping and eating habits, attitude and behavior. If you've established a good rapport with your youngster and he suddenly doesn't want to talk, that's a sign of trouble as well.

6. Keep the lines of communication open. Let your youngster know that he can always talk to you, no matter what. It's not always necessary even to have solutions to his problems. Sometimes just talking about things out loud with a trusted adult makes them seem less threatening. And if the situation does become overwhelming for your youngster, you want to be the first to know about it.

7. Do some role-playing. Once you have some concrete examples of anxiety-provoking events, help your youngster figure out an alternate way to deal with them. Discuss possible scenarios and play the part of your youngster in some role-playing exercises, letting him play the part of the demanding teacher or bullying classmate. Model appropriate and realistic responses and coping techniques for your youngster.

8. Be aware that all students feel anxiety about school, even the ones who seem successful and carefree. Knowing this won't lessen your youngster's anxiety, but it may lessen yours.

9. Ask, "What three things are you most worried about?" Making your request specific can help your youngster start to sort through a bewildering array of fears and feelings. If he's unable to name the things that are most worrisome, have him tell you any three things, or the most recent three things.

10. Ask, "What three things are you most excited about?" Most students can think of something good, even if it's just going home at the end of the day. But chances are your youngster does have things he really enjoys about school that just get drowned out by all the scary stuff. Bring those good things out into the light.

11. Acknowledge the problem. Does hearing, "Don't worry!" help when you're anxious about something? It probably doesn't comfort your youngster much, either. The most important thing you can do for a youngster experiencing school anxiety is to acknowledge that his fears are real to him. If nothing else, you'll ensure that he won't be afraid to talk to you about them.

12. When school anxiety persists, parents should consult with a qualified mental health professional who will work with them to develop a plan to immediately return the child to school and other activities. Refusal to go to school in the older Aspergers child or teen is generally a more serious illness, and often requires more intensive treatment.

Re: He is admittedly suffering from depression…

Depression is one comorbid condition of HFA and it is one disorder which is seen in almost every child suffering from an autism spectrum disorder. This very disorder makes its appearance when the child is as young as three years of age and the parents will find that the child is prone to crying several times a day. This number can be more than twenty or thirty times in a single day and that too for the most trivial reasons. The youngster is unable to explain as to why he is crying as one with the disorder has a difficulty in expressing their own feelings.

Re: …and has been hearing voices that tell him what to do…

Hearing voices in itself is normal – but – it is possible to become ill from hearing voices if you cannot cope with them. This means that it is coping with hearing voices that is the problem and not the voices in themselves. This little known fact is based on a lot of research. Several large scale population studies have shown that about 4% of the population hears voices. Of these 4% of the people who hear voices about 30% seek assistance from mental health services. Among children however, even more of the “normal” population hears voices (8%) and as with adults about 30% are referred to mental health services.

What this means is that there are apparently many more people who hear voices who do not require the support of mental health services than those that do. This is because they can cope with the voices and function well in their everyday lives.

Examples of the kinds of traumas that trigger voices include the death of a loved one, divorce, losing a job, failing an exam, but also longer lasting situations like being physically, emotionally or sexually abused. With children the percentage was even higher at 85%, with some traumas specifically related to childhood. These traumas might include being bullied by peers or teachers, or being unable to perform at a certain level at school, another commonly reported traumatic incident related to hearing voices is being admitted to a hospital for long periods because of a physical illness. I would say that hearing voices is mostly a reaction to a situation or a problem the child cannot cope with.

Re: He doesn’t sleep through the night…

Studies find that approximately 73% of kids with the disorder experience sleep problems, and these problems tend to last longer in this group than they do for kids without the disorder. For example, kids on the spectrum are more likely to be sluggish and disoriented after waking. Laboratory research has begun to describe the unique physiological presentation associated with sleep problems in kids on the spectrum, including disruptions in the sleep stage most associated with cognitive functioning (i.e. REM or Rapid Eye Movement sleep). In addition to physiological differences, some of the sleep difficulties in this population may be related to anxiety.

The impact of poor sleep is unequivocal. Poor sleep negatively impacts mood and exacerbates selective attention problems commonly found in kids with HFA, as well as impairing other aspects of cognitive function.

There is no one panacea to manage sleep problems in kids with HFA. However, there are many interventions that are likely to be helpful. In general, moms and dads need to understand and be prepared for resistance to change that these kids often show. Moms and dads should also be prepared for problems to get worse before they get better as kids often initially challenge but then gradually become accustomed to new routines.

A good place to start an intervention targeted at improving sleep is changing lifestyle behaviors and environmental conditions that can influence sleep/wake patterns. These include exercise, napping, diet, and aspects of the bedroom and sleep routine.

Exercise & Activity—

The goal is decreasing arousal as bedtime approaches. To achieve this it may be useful to have a scheduled period before bedtime (approximately 30-45 minutes) in which the aim is calmness and relaxation. During that period, media such as television, computers, electronic games, and music should be limited as they can stimulate the youngster through activity, sound, and light. The availability of VCR and DVR technology makes it easier to control when kids can watch particular shows, thereby avoiding conflict over missing favorite programs that are shown in the late evening. The presence of televisions in kid’s bedrooms has been consistently associated with sleep problems and should be avoided at all costs. Likewise, computer access in a youngster’s bedroom is discouraged for sleep as well as for safety reasons.

In general, exercise during the day is associated with better sleep. However, exercise within 2-4 hours of bedtime can lead to difficulties in falling asleep, as it can disrupt the natural cooling process of the body that leads to rest at night. Having the youngster soak their body, particularly their head, in a calm bath that is as warm as can be tolerated 90 minutes before bedtime may be useful too. When the youngster gets out of the bath, core body temperature will drop rapidly; this is believed to help them to fall asleep faster. Using a waterproof pillow and avoiding the pulsation associated with showers is recommended. The use of progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing and imagery exercises is the most widely researched treatment for insomnia in kids and may be useful for kids with HFA and Aspergers as well.

Napping—

Controlled and limited (e.g. 20-30 minutes) napping is generally positive. However, longer daytime sleeping can be negative in that it makes it more difficult for the youngster to fall asleep at the ideal time in the evening. If the youngster’s sleep problems are associated with falling asleep, which is common for kids on the spectrum, it is advisable to avoid daytime napping.

Diet—

It is recommended that kids with sleep problems avoid all caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, high fat food, and monosodium glutamate (MSG). In contrast, food rich in protein may promote better sleep. Large meals within 2-3 hours of bedtime should also be avoided. A small carbohydrate/protein snack, such as whole wheat bread and low-fat cheese or milk before bedtime can be helpful to minimize nighttime hunger and stimulate the release of neuro-chemicals associated with falling asleep. For kids who often wake during the night to use the bathroom, and then have trouble falling back asleep, limited fluid intake in the 2 hours prior to bedtime is also recommended.

Melatonin is a natural brain hormone associated with sleep onset. There is some evidence that natural production of melatonin may be reduced in autistic kids. While melatonin supplements may be useful, a common side effect may be increased sluggishness in the morning. As discussed above, this is already a common problem for kids with the disorder. Use of melatonin and other alternative remedies should be discussed with a physician.

The Bedroom—

It is important that the bed and the bedroom are associated with sleep and are not associated with activity. When kids have sleep problems, it is highly recommended that their bed and bedroom activity be limited to sleep only. It is important to make sure that extreme changes in temperature are avoided during the night. Increasing light is associated with decreases in the release of the neuro-chemical melatonin which triggers sleep onset. Thus, it is important to get the sunlight flowing in the youngster’s room as soon as possible in the morning. Conversely, darkening the room at night is critical. When a youngster’s fear of the dark is an issue, behavioral psychotherapy may be necessary. We also recommend moving the clock so that the youngster is not watching the time while lying in bed.

Sleep Routine—

Setting and maintaining a regular time to sleep and wake may be critical. Moms and dads often make the mistake of allowing their kids to sleep much later on non-school days to “make up” for sleep. While this may be useful to a certain extent, allowing the youngster to sleep late in the day makes it difficult for them to fall asleep at an ideal time later in the evening. It is easier to wake a sleeping youngster then to force an alert youngster to go to sleep. Thus, we recommend that you keep your youngster on a regular schedule on non-school days and avoid drastic changes in the time that the youngster wakes. Likewise, having your kids go to bed when they are not tired conditions them to be awake in bed. It is recommended that you let your kids stay up until they are tired while maintaining their waking time in the morning. Then once they begin falling asleep within 10 minutes of going to bed, begin to move bed time earlier by 15 minutes at a time.

With carefully monitoring and patience, many moms and dads can make changes in a youngster’s life that promote better sleep. Improved sleep supports better mood, sustained attention and general health. However, for many families professional consultation is often necessary to design or maintain the appropriate intervention. When you need help, speak with other moms and dads of Aspergers kids about their experiences and ask your primary care doctor for referrals to a sleep expert.

Re: OK... what to do from this point forward?

My assessment, based on the information I have, is this is mostly an anxiety issue which is at least partially derived from past trauma (bullying in elementary school). You are on the right track with having a psychiatrist, but I would definitely have him work with a therapist who can help him deal with anxiety and past trauma.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to Sit Through Church Services

Question

"We are a Christian family who would like to attend church on a regular basis. However, since our child with high-functioning autism has certain issues (e.g., hates big crowds, hates wearing a dress shirt, hates sitting still for longer than a few minutes at a time, hates the loud organ music, hates the feel of the hard wood pews, and on ...and on ...and on), we have found that it is just easier to stay home. Is there anything we can do to help him with this?"

Answer

Making it through a church service with a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can be a true test of faith. Between keeping him under control and warding off the evil eye of fellow church members, you may feel that no one in your family is getting anything out of the service.

If you have your heart set on some kind of ideal worship experience in which your neatly dressed youngster sits quietly for every minute of the service, you’re probably out of luck. But that doesn’t mean your family should give up and stay home.

Try these techniques for getting the most out of each church service (even with a child on the spectrum):

1. Be careful that what you’re offering as an incentive actually encourages good behavior (e.g., threatening to leave if behavior does not improve may backfire if leaving the church is exactly what your youngster wants to do). Make sure the alternative to sitting through church is even more painful (e.g., sitting in the car by himself until the service is over).

2. Big rewards with long time-frames often backfire. If your youngster feels unable to comply after a short while, he may decide the reward is unattainable, and then have no incentive to behave at all. Offer your youngster very small reinforcements after very short intervals of successful behavior control (e.g., a sticker or a cracker or a chance to play with your keys every 5 minutes, a walk to the bathroom every 15 minutes, etc.).

3. Practice sitting through church. As with all "training" – it starts at home. Pull together half-a-dozen chairs or so and arrange them in a row (like the pews at church). Then you and your youngster (along with any other family members that want to join in) sit in them for short periods of time. Your Aspergers child and his siblings might sit there while you read them a story or do a puzzle. These are short periods of time (e.g., just 5 minutes to start with). Then go a little longer (e.g., 10 minutes).

4. If certain objects or activities (e.g., drawing, writing, crackers, fidget toys, stuffed animal, chewy tube, weighted vest, etc.) help your youngster control impulses and stay calm in other settings, bring it along to your church service. You may see a few raised eyebrows, but not as many as you will if your youngster has a meltdown during church.

5. Consider sitting in front. Most moms and dads have a tendency to sit in the back because they don’t feel like the whole church sees when their kids act up, and they can make an easy exit. But crouch down to your youngster’s level. They can’t see anything besides the back of people’s heads. They don’t see why they are there. They often behave a lot better when they can see what is going on. In many churches, there are side aisles, so while you sit up front, you don’t necessarily sit front and center, so you can still make an easy exit. Your place of worship may even have a door off to the side to a hallway. But even if you don’t have that, it is less distracting to everyone than you think if you need to walk down the aisle to the exit.

6. If your youngster is unable to sit still and be quiet and behave appropriately in any other place, don’t expect church to have some sort of magical transforming effect on him. Don’t set your youngster up for failure by setting goals he is unable to achieve.

7. Consider using headphones for the quietest times of the church service and allowing your youngster to listen to soft, calming music.

8. Try different areas of the church for sitting. You may have sat in the very back pew for years but now find that it can be helpful to move up.

9. Don’t neglect your own spiritual needs during the task of keeping your youngster quiet and contained. Put less emphasis on having the ideal church experience, and more on experiencing the moment.

10. You don’t have to make it all the way through the service for it to be a good experience. Sometimes planning for success involves knowing when to leave. If you have noticed your Aspie can be good for the first 20 minutes and then loses it, leave after 20 minutes and make a big deal about how great that was. Then set 30 minutes as the next goal ...then 45 …then maybe your child can go the full hour or so.

11. Over time, you can drop some of the “supports” that enable your Aspie to participate in the service. You may find that familiarity breeds success. Your youngster knows what to expect, how long church lasts, and even that going to Communion means it’s almost over.

12. Use the “going-out-to-eat-after-church” method. Some Aspergers children can sit still and act halfway civil for extended periods of time IF they know they will be going to one of their favorite restaurants immediately after church.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Attend Saturday night mass
•    Anonymous said... Get him involved in sunday school during the church service. Tell the teacher at sunday school about his condition so they can give him extra attention. I am sure they wouldn't mind...
•    Anonymous said... I let my daughter play on her Kindle Fire while we are siting with all of the people. I know she is paying more attention while playing then she would be with me trying to get her to sit still. It is something we have had to work up to, even on bad days we still sit outside the doors.
•    Anonymous said... I think staying home is the best option. Besides secondary school, being forced to go to church was the worst nightmare of my childhood.
•    Anonymous said... I wanted to take my children church as well. I went through an ugly divorce a few years back. My son is high functioning Aspergers. We went to an old church in the country, and those folks were so accepting of us and my son's behaviors. When I was downstairs, the pastor discussed with the parishioners my son's diagnosis. They were wonderful, and loving and generous. They are in church, not to judge, but to share their faith. We eventually moved to a church with children's program, but I will always be thankful for them. For your son, ask if you can reserve a corner in the back pew, then you can take turns leavin g with him if needed.....don't worry what about he wears, he's in church and there is no dress code for God, let him wear what he is comfortable in....let him bring a cushion, or pillow, or fabric he would enjoy sitting on.....let him wear ear plugs, (my son wears the headphones that came with our van to go to movies...it muffles the sound).....give him a puzzle or activity he can do quietly during church. I tell my children God likes variety and if our children are welcome anywhere...it better be in God's church. Blessings.
•    Anonymous said... Many churches now have groups for autistic children. Ours does! Call around and ask.
•    Anonymous said... My asd 10year old helped run the creche for holiday club this year, 10 years of God's love and he's keen to give back. There are times people comment on all the children's behaviour at church, just smile, breath deeply and remember that Jesus said, let the children come to me. I know not everyone on here is a Christian, but everyone needs support and I'll b praying for you.
•    Anonymous said... My children attend church every week, in fact our lives revolve around our faith, but they never wear smart clothes, and everyone knows my elder son is autistic. Church isn't there for the good, quiet kids an their families. Church is there for the lost and the broken. Anyone in church not helping you find a way of accessing faith for your children is not a Christian, I'm afraid churches can be full of judgemental non Christians. But look deeply, ask for support and be prepared to look around. We could not get through life without the support of our church family, pray for guidance and the right place will happen. X
•    Anonymous said... My daughter used to take a tea set to church each week and wander around giving cups of pretend tea and coffee to people. No one was offended by this and now she is 10 and can sit through a service also helps holding babies and supports other children. I could not get through the past 6 weeks without my faith and church.
•    Anonymous said... Why would you put your child through that for your beliefs?
•    Anonymous said... you could find another church. My cousin is Catholic but with her autistic son she is going to a less formal Evangelical church and has for many many years. Not all churches want formal dress and many can be laid back and understanding. When my daughter was small, before her diagnosis, we went to a local one that is happy just to let the little ones, autistic or not, just wander about and play. When my daughter got older she liked the order of the litergy and we went back to mass, but people there are ok with us sitting at the back, her just reading/with nintendo as that what it takes for her to be able to sit still, and for her to quietly nip out if the crowds/noise got too much. God made our children the way they are and they should be accepted the way they are in a church.
•    Anonymous said…  Churches need to have an ante-room for small children, mothers with babies, and others. Ours has a speaker fitted in the room and glass panels so the adults don't miss out on the service. York Street Church of Christ is where I go.
•    Anonymous said…  Find a church thats more interested in Christianity and not vanity..there is no reason you should have to dress up for church..
•    Anonymous said…  Keep him in comfy clothes and let him bring a few items that comfort him. My son with HFA loves to bring hot wheels, he doesn't even play with them he just keeps them because they make him feel good. We also take him out during the greetig time which is too overwhelming for him. Your church is probably a loving and accepting environment so dont stress. Jesus said "let the children come" and that meant all kinds.
•    Anonymous said…  Maybe teach the church to be more accepting of him would be a good start? Is there any reason that he HAS to dress a certain way or sit in the pews? Can he bring a bean bag/comfortable chair? The Church should be accepting of ALL Gods creations, not just NT ones. I have often found that they need reminding of this.
•    Anonymous said…  My son is 10 and will only wear soft clothes. Church isn't about wearing fancy clothes, let him wear whatever he's comfortable in. We tried getting himto wear nice clothes, but it was a losing battle, so now he can just wear what he's comfortable in. Does your church have a kids area? My son cannot stand being in the service as he can't sit still for long and finds it boring. Looking at it from kid's view point, I can understand that.
Have you prayed, asking God what direction you should go in? Maybe look at having a time of fellowship/church at home? Just a thought.
•    Anonymous said…  My son to this day will not wear a button down shirt. (Age 32) when he was little he wore Polo shirts to church. I have seen elderly folks bring seat cushions. We usually say in the front that way he didn't notice the crowd so much. The piano didn't phase him and organ was seldom used. Oddly enough he didn't mind the sign of peace or shaking hands with priest as we exited after mass.
•    Anonymous said…  Our church does not have a dress code, tshirt and jeans are perfectly fine, the kids have their own room where they have music (noise reduction headphones are provided for those who need them) and we have a sensory room so that if any child needs a break they can go in there to use the beanbags, weighted stuffed animals or blankets, etc and then rejoin the rest of the group when they aware ready. There aware churches like mine who understand different needs and meet them. Call around your area and talk to the Children's Director, if they don't already have something like this in place then encourage them to do so in order for everyone to be able to attend church and know God's love.
•    Anonymous said…  Our son has the same problem. Do not fear. We go to a Catholic Church. Our son used to scream and throw a fit. We use to take turns going to Mass not because we weren't accepted but because we couldn't relax and focus. We not take our son every Sunday. He is 10. He still gets upset if we have an older priest who talks to slow. He has learned to handle it. We ignore many of his antics and ignore anyone who seems to have a problem. Most of the parishioners know us and our family and love our son. Just relax and don't let people make you look unkindly on your church. Go for you and then take him gradually as he grows up. Our Dr. Said there is no reason he should not be going with us. you are in our prayers. We have been there and still are. Persevere.
•    Anonymous said…  We use black ear plugs for loud singing. They are small. My teen must attend church. special plan for your child. They are a blessing. :)

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Poor Academic Performance & Behavioral Problems in Teens on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old and was diagnosed with Aspergers, ODD and ADHD about three years ago. Everyday seems to be getting worse for him in school. He is so extremely intelligent but he refuses to do anything in class and the last 9 weeks he has seriously dropped his grades, been suspended from school twice and received After School Detention. I am not sure how I can make him see that this is not helping him in the long run or how to change his behaviors so that he and I are not miserable all the time. I have tried talking to him, I have tried taking away his video and computer games and I have tried not speaking and even yelling. We both could use some help finding ways to make it through together. He is in the 8th grade and I am not expecting immediate changes but I am running out of ideas and literally believe I am at the end of my rope. I am a single mom who is studying Psychology, but I am at a loss. I know I’m young and this diagnosis has effected both of us and those around us, but I do not want my son to continue to be miserable day in and day out. Anything you can suggest is greatly appreciated I am willing to try almost anything. Thank you.

Answer

First of all, if your son doesn’t have an IEP or a 504 plan, that would be your first step. You didn’t mention anything about that in your email, so assuming he does NOT have one, please type "IEP" in the search box at the top of this page to educate yourself about this.

Regarding the behavioral problems, this is the ODD/ADHD part of his diagnosis that is rearing its ugly head. To help you determine the reasons why your son behaves the way he does, you should ask yourself the following questions:

• Because a situation was one way the first time, does he feel it has to be that way always?
• Does he need to be taught a better way to deal with a problem?
• Does he see only two choices to a situation rather than many options?
• Has he made a rule that can't be followed?
• Is he blaming the teacher for something that is beyond the teacher's control?
• Is he exaggerating the importance of an event?
• Is he expecting perfection in himself?
• Is he misunderstanding what is happening and assuming something that isn't true?
• Is he stuck on an idea and can't let it go?

Here are some ways you can help your son with his behavioral issues:

1. Be a role model for your son in handling your own stress in a healthy way. If your son sees you talking to others about problems, taking time to relax, and living a healthy lifestyle, your example is likely to rub off.

2. Be clear about rules and consequences. Let your son know specifically what is expected and together decide on consequences for misbehavior. Then follow through. Teach ways of handling difficult situations. Talk through and role-play with your son how he can handle a stressful situation.

3. Encourage your son to write about worries in a journal.

4. Give back rubs and hugs. A short back or shoulder rub can help your son relax and show him you care. Gentle physical touch is a powerful stress reliever.

5. Help your son talk about what is bothering him. Don’t force him to talk, but offer opportunities. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” ask questions such as, “How are things going at school with your teacher?” Do not criticize what your son says or he will learn not to tell you things that bother him.

6. Maintain family routines. Knowing what to expect helps your son feel grounded and secure, especially during times of transition. Maintain family routines around bedtime, TV, and family meals as much as possible.

7. Make regular use of “social stores” to help your son adjust to changes. You can find more information on social stories on our sister website: www.AspergersSocialStories.com

8. Show your son the positive ways that you handle change. Talk about how you feel during times of change and about what you do to cope. For example, let your son see the lists you make to help you stay organized and focused.

9. Spend special one-to-one time. Find hobbies or other activities that you can do alone with your son. This allows for time to talk as well as time for having fun together.

10. Teach relaxation skills. Show your son how to relax by remembering and imagining pleasant situations like a favorite vacation or happy experience.

11. Teach your son that mistakes are OK. Let him know that all people, including you, make mistakes. Mistakes are for learning.

12. Tell stories about dealing with stress. For example, if your son is afraid of a new situation, tell a story about how you once felt in a similar situation and what you did to cope, or find a library book that shows a child coping successfully with stress.

Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often appear pig-headed, stubborn, and down-right rude when they are faced with change. Let’s be honest: they don’t want to step outside their sandbox. Moms and dads in this situation not only need to understand that their child is “routine-based,” but they need to proactively predict when their child will require a routine. But, never forget that your son doesn’t believe that he is doing something wrong by presenting as stubborn towards change. He is merely trying to protect himself — and he wants you to help him feel secure by allowing him to do things in a sturdy, structured way. Using the tips above should make things run a bit more smoothly.

It would also be a good idea to provide your son’s teacher with some information that will help her to make certain accommodations. This may be the most important part of the solution!

I would get a note from the doctor who diagnosed your child with the disorder so the teachers can verify (this will help establish some credibility). Then you should provide teachers with an information sheet to help educate them about it. Here is a sample information sheet that you can tailor to your individual needs. It should help teachers understand and deal with some of the everyday questions that come up regarding Aspergers and HFA.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and HFA Teens

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I could type for hours how we struggled with the same. We found help with the right school and doctor and things changed a ton.
•    Anonymous said... I forgot to add we removed our boy from school for. 3 years & home schooled him also got a tutor in for maths & English until he got back on his feet as the bullies put him in a dark place & affected his confidence but long term we never felt that this was a good option as we thought he would never learn to cope or learn how to deal with situations x
•    Anonymous said... My son is 14 and in 10th grade. We've had these same struggles with the school system. I could spend hours writing about all the horror stories, but they are probably pretty similar to yours. In 6th grade we pulled him out of middle school except for band and had him doing online school. Over the years we've integrated him back into public school, and now we're down to full time public school again. I must say that was the best decision we ever made! He couldn't function around the other kids, the noises, the lights, long days ect. It was just too much for him to handle. It was a sensory overload. When he was able to do his school work in a quiet familiar place at his own pace it made all the difference. We still struggle with the school system, and with teachers following the 504 to collect his homework from him, and make sure it's written down in his planner. I've gotten teachers that have said, well that's not age appropriate. HA! We pulled him out of that class. Just like childhood, there are teachers that don't know how to follow the rules and play nice. Look around for other alternatives. Main stream school isn't always a good fit for kids like ours, but there are so many alternatives. Just keep looking around until you find something that works for him. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said... My son is also 13 & has asperger syndrome we have had the same struggles iv he's gone through 2 mainstream primary schools that where rubbish & had no understanding or help for him but the 3rd one we put him to was fantastic he got so much help & support he is now in 2nd year of high school & still gets a lot of help & support they have a time out card for him if things get to much & a support unit within school if he's not coping & our doctor is great these things I have found have made a huge difference for him best of luck I'm here if you want a chat I know how hard it is x
•    Anonymous said... This is a response from an unacceptable situation for the child. It sounds like there is no adaptions for him at all in school, and in that case I'm not surprised at all that he acts the way he does. He is burnt out from trying so hard to be like others, but see he is NOT like others. Every sound, every energy flowing around, all the studies will eventually burn both ends of the candle. He needs a huge break, adapted school days(half school days, half weeks, private teaching. He should have had this long time ago. He is crying out for help. You need to be his biggest protector, his attorney, his supporter. Help him before he hits a deep depression. Schools and parents often expect aspies to adapt into the school system, but the school system have to be adapted to the aspie. He is a good kid, but right now he needs a break, a big one. Help him before he gets too hurt inside.
•    Anonymous said… Honestly believe those years are the toughest. Hopefully with a little more time and maturity things will get better. It has for us. Hang in there, Wish I could offer some other advice.
•    Anonymous said… I don't know what it's like where you live, but round here there's a lot of bullying, and most of the secondary schools seem to turn a blind eye to the bullying and punish the kids who retaliate, this made school impossible for my son who has an enormous sense of justice
•    Anonymous said… I empathize with your pain. Get an advocate and don't quit insisting that he needs additional services.
•    Anonymous said… Im sorry to hear your son is having a hard time at school. That is so stressful for us parents as well as him. Does his school have a learning suport department or a 'go to ' person that offrs him support at school?? My middle son 13 ASD. We have been really fortunate to have a fantastic learning support department at the secondary school which had extra orientation for the learning support kids on transitioning to highschool and who is his 'go to'people for any issues and also run special groups for the 'ls' kids on socialising/puberty/basically challenges in growing up. This does not mean all the teachers on class understand ASD. This can still be a huge challenge but have found open communication with email/school diary and the ls teachers helps try to bridge the gap. Don't get me wrong, we still have challenging weeks but They have been a great support for both our son and us as parents.
•    Anonymous said… My 5 yo is going through the same thing , I don't think they get the encouragement at school they need it always negative attention ! Once the teacher labels the child the class follows her lead , why not include my child why not welcome my child ?
•    Anonymous said… My 6yo told me yesterday night that he lashed out because of anxiety and fear. Sit down and talk to them. They trust you enough to tell you their true feeling.
•    Anonymous said… My child just got re-diagnosed with the exact same thing. 2 years ago thy said he was High functioning autistic, then we got him reevaluated and he has the same thing your son has as Aspergers, ODD AND ADHD. He has been getting in trouble in school everyday but his grades are good it's just he doesn't listen and gets aggressive with the children.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 15 (ASD high-functioning) very intelligent. Enroll in a private school from next year as classes are too big. He is on a light anti-depressant to help with the stress and anxiety. He was bullied last year, but we found out and dealt with it. I also know that some kids are very cruel and calling them names which hurt very much. Please find out if he's been bullying...does the school have a psychologist on premises? Do your kid use medication? Make sure that he taking his meds. Watch out for meltdowns...our kids are special, have the right to be here. They're minors and us parents must stand up for them, be their voice!!!! Speak to the psychologist, principal, but make noise. Don't allow your child to be targeted. Strongs!!!
•    Anonymous said… My son now is 11 is struggling in school all the time it is a challenge for kids now and days with stress and anxiety that they have he does good one week and bad the next you just need to find things to help him out in school small brakes , rewards , and a ton of patience I know it's frustrating but he is smart once he gets his mind to it and learns very fast. You have the right to have iep meeting ne time you need a behavior plan to take place as well ;)))
•    Anonymous said… Seems like there is another issue that is going on that he is not telling you about. My oldest (who just turned 18 today) would lash out and act out and I finally caught on that there was something wrong (this has always been her way but didn't realize why til recently) found out it was as simple as a life skill class scared her. She doesn't want to grow up and doesn't want to do things that most people do daily. Once we understood and got her to talk to us she has improved. Good luck
•    Anonymous said… The more that you spend time doing what he likes the more your son will open up to you. Don't give up. smile emoticon
•    Anonymous said… We went thru the same thing, now he is in a private school and doing awesome, mellowed out and it did get better like others are saying.
•    Anonymous said… Have you tried changing his diet? The Feingold diet was literally a life changer for us. Good luck x
•    Anonymous said… Hi there we went through the same thing with our son. Please hang in there it does get better. Our son is now in his second year of college and doing well. Most important for our son was being consistent with our expectations. Maturity was a definite factor for our son too. By senior year he had a B average. Good luck to you and know that you aren't alone and neither is he.
•    Anonymous said… Home school is not always the answer. More work with the school and the iep. Have to keep going until they understand what is making his day so difficult.
•    Anonymous said… homeschooling did it for us, best thing I've ever done for my boy
•    Anonymous said… I am going through the same thing ...I am so tired and stressed and drained ...14 year old son , diagnosed aspergers/adhd/ and now we have anxiety from not being treated correctly . We are on school # 3 right now ...and i cannot get him to attend ... i am ready for meds for him which i have fought for years but i cant take much more
•    Anonymous said… I can see you have already had the same advice but I can't stress enough how much happier my son is now he has moved into a special needs school. He has high functioning autism, ADHD, dysbraxia and hypermobility. I was worried about his education being over looked because he is highly intelligent. The school is fantastic they are able to meet his academic ability but at the same time provide the therapy and understanding he really needs just to get through a day. I only wish I had moved him earlier. He was 10yrs when he changed. He will stay at this school now until he is 19.
•    Anonymous said… I had all these problems and some, but I am lucky enough to be able to quit my job and home school my 10yr old son, he has improved in all areas since, it's been 2yrs now
•    Anonymous said… I have the same experience. A 13 year old who pretty much all of his school life has been on some kind of behavior plan and has had frequent discipline issues. Always because he talks over the teacher, argues and generally does not follow class rules. This is a way of life for us and I make sure to work closely with teachers to establish a relationship so we are all on the same page and try to work together. At the end of the day though, my son is not scared of detention, MIP, getting an MIR so discipline really has no effect on him. He does not have control of his responses because he does not think like his peers, he is like a toddler, thinking only about himself with low self control. I just accept that school will always be a battle, we just take each day as it comes and remember the other side of things, that he is incredibly smart and capable and an adorable child when he is not arguing or defiant! We have to accept the whole picture not just focus on the bad things. Kids like him are not meant to fit into the cookie cutter schools we have and forcing them to do so just creates even more problems. One day our schools will be tailored to our children, for not we just have to make it through and support as much as we can from all sides.
•    Anonymous said… I read a about cannabis and autism where it's used in the states a lot with great success. I'd recommend everyone look into this as a form of treatment...
•    Anonymous said… i would reccommend homeschooling if its possible. It sounds like your son might be rebelling against the box these poor kids are forced into called school. Lots of luck and love.
•    Anonymous said… I would recommend an IEP tailered to your son's situation. There may be accommodations the school can make which would help him. Once he finds a subject in school that really interests him, that high IQ will come in handy and he will thrive!
•    Anonymous said… If you live near the coast, take him surfing. It won't help for school but do wonders for him. Sorry I can't help with the school part.
•    Anonymous said… My 15 year old daughter is thriving in internet based school. It takes a way all of annoyances and allows her to focus on the education. I do worry sometimes about the socializing, but the positves outweigh the negatives. Good luck to you
•    Anonymous said… Our DS14 fled from school. The admin changed for Jr. High and things were just unbearable. We've been homeschooling since. He is so much happier. We go to Language Therapy weekly, but do the rest of education with apps and videos.
•    Anonymous said… The best thing that we did for my son was to put him in a new school. He is at a therapeutic school and doing fantastic! Check your state laws....and alternative schools in your area. The school system you are in should pay for your child to go there and transportation to and from. It was a long process for us but my son got in trouble so that made the process speed up a little. Each child is entitled to an education and learning environment they can succeed in... Hopefully these resources are available in your area. If they aren't...even if they are... Social skills groups will help a lot!
•    Anonymous said… We had moved to a different state and my 15 year old son was miserable. He begged for two years to move back. We moved back for him to do high school and boy am I glad. He has an autism support teacher who talks with all the other teachers and arranges for his accommodations written in his IEP. It is so nice that we don't have to keep calling parent/ teacher meetings. These kids know what they need we just have to listen!
•    Anonymous said… We have two sons with AS, ADHD, ODD & MD.....now 18 & 20. Both lost the plot in Yr8/9 and we never thought we'd get through it. We did! Older son is in 2nd year of a civil construction traineeship & loves it. Younger son is about to re-enrol in University. Even NT kids have "phases".....try making him part of any decision making process & encourage him to seek advice/support from a favourite teacher or aide. You will get through this.
•    Anonymous said… with adhd he probably can't perceive the 'future' it's more in the moment, he's probably too stressed to 'behave' I'd see if it's possible to go down the route Maura suggested

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Aspergers Kids and Sensory Issues: 2-Minute Tip

Dealing with sensory sensitivities in children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism:

How Children on the Autism Spectrum Can Avoid Being Bully Victims

When an Aspergers or high-functioning autistic (HFA) child does not feel safe in school, it is impossible for that student to learn or participate in the educational process in a productive manner. Children who are bullied spend their entire time trying to escape the harassment, the violence, the humiliation, and the shame of being a victim.

As this injustice goes unchecked, the child on the autism spectrum becomes more and more convinced that no one will rescue him, because no one sees or understands his attempt to communicate that he is, in fact, a victim. Also, he becomes angrier and angrier until he begins to cope with his victimization by either (a) emulating the characteristics of a bully or (b) dropping out of school altogether.

Children who are bullied:

• Are more likely to have health complaints. In one study, being bullied was associated with physical health status 3 years later.
• Are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.
• Are more likely to retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.
• Have decreased academic achievement (GPA and standardized test scores) and school participation.
• Have higher risk of depression and anxiety, including the following symptoms that may persist into adulthood: changes in sleep and eating patterns; increased feelings of sadness and loneliness; loss of interest in activities.
• Have increased thoughts about suicide that may persist into adulthood. In one study, grown-ups who recalled being bullied in youth were 3 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts or inclinations.

Why are students on the spectrum such an easy target for bullies?

Children with Aspergers and HFA are bullied more frequently for several reasons:

1. A child with the disorder takes things very literally. This may mean that it becomes difficult for him to follow a lot of what his peers are talking about, which in turn, may make him appear “stupid” to his peers (an unfair label).

2. Children with Aspergers and HFA may have difficulty paying attention to more than one piece of information, which may cause them to stay 'stuck' in a conversation. Such actions can have adverse effects on their social skills and make it difficult for them to hold conversations and make friends.

3. Some children on the autism spectrum learn that they have to ask a question to start a conversation, but then, instead of listening to the answer, they ask question after question, in effect drilling their peers and making them feel uncomfortable.

4. The two- to three-year lag in maturity and difficulty reading social cues that autistic kids are prone to are also contributing factors to bullying.

5. Their difficulties reading social cues cause them to irritate peers. Difficulties in reading social cues range from (a) trouble understanding the zones of personal space, causing them to stand too close to others, to (b) a lack of basic conversation skills.

6. These children often have a low frustration tolerance. When frustration increases and reaches a threshold, it can lead to a meltdown, which makes the child stand out as being different.

7. They have passions, certain things that they focus on, but they may have a hard time talking about anything else, which is often annoying to peers.

8. They may have poor motor skills, which makes them stand out as clumsy.

9. They may not understand social banter, and so they become easy targets for teasing.

Research has long shown that students with an Autism Spectrum Disorder are far more at risk for being bullied than other students. One study found that 82% of these children claimed to have been bullied. Children on the spectrum may be overly sensitive and reactive, which attracts the attention of bullies. But it’s not just students on the spectrum – any student who is different from the norm is vulnerable. And sometimes schools are anything but helpful: One study showed that 25% of teachers see nothing wrong with bullying.

Unfortunately, YOUR child may be a victim of bullying – BUT you may not even know about it. Why? Because some kids don’t tell their parents about the abuse they are experiencing at school – they keep it a secret.

Reasons for secrecy tend to fall into one of seven categories:

1. The fear that grown-ups will do nothing: Children may be skeptical that adults can, or will, take steps to stop a bully.

2. The fear of losing a friendship: Sometimes the relationship between bullies and victims isn't so straightforward. If the victim counts the bully as a friend (or wants to be his friend), telling may not seem like an option.

3. Power: Bullying is marked by one participant — the bully — possessing more power than the other, whether that power is real or perceived. Kids learn to gain power by aggression and to accept when others wield aggressive power. So a "weak" victim is not likely to tattle.

4. Retaliation: To some children, the logic is simple: Tell a grown-up and make the bully angrier.

5. Self-blame: Victims may feel shame and blame themselves for their situation. One Aspergers boy stated he was at fault for his victimization, because he was "a little nerdy."

6. The cloak of secrecy: Bullying often happens out of adults' sight, in settings such as hallways and school lunchrooms. Thus, bullying stays between the victim, the bully and peer bystanders.

7. Vulnerability: Children who are bullied are often less accepted by their peers and may struggle with social skills. They may yearn for acceptance from the very people who torment them. So, they keep trying …and trying …and trying to get acceptance, hoping that someday they will “fit-in.”

What can be done?

Each Aspergers and HFA youngster has his/her own temperament. Some enjoy higher levels of social activity while others prefer less. While this may be a preference the youngster is born with, much of what experts call ‘social competence’ or the ability to get along with others is skill-based or learned. This means that it can be practiced and improved upon, especially if the youngster’s parent is a patient coach.

These kids don’t need to be the most popular in their class, but they do need good social skills to avoid being targets of bullying and social isolation. Being sociable helps us with resilience (the ability to withstand hard times). Those who are constantly rejected by peers are lonely and have lower self-esteem. When they are older, these kids are more likely to drop out of school and use drugs and alcohol. Moms and dads can help their special needs kids learn social skills so that they are not constantly rejected and bullied – or begin to bully and reject others.

Social skills include our emotions, intellect, ethics, and behaviors. Emotionally we learn to manage strong feelings (e.g., anger) and show empathy for others. Our intellect is used to solve relationship conflicts and make decisions. Ethically we develop the ability to sincerely care for others and engage in socially-responsible actions. Behaviorally we learn specific communication skills such as turn-taking and how to start a conversation.

Moms and dads can act as coaches for their kids to develop these social skills. Kids learn a lot from how parents treat them and from how parents interact with others. Parents, like other coaches, will need to be creative and specific in teaching social skills. Beyond saying “You need to be better at X,” good coaches teach concrete skills and then support the use of these skills across a variety of situations. The goal should be not just to teach these young people to “be nice” but also to help them to advocate for themselves as well as care for others.

Most kids experience occasional rejection, and most kids are sometimes socially clumsy, insensitive, or even unkind.

Signs that a youngster may need some social coaching include:

• Lacks at least one or two close mutual friends
• Has trouble losing or winning gracefully
• Doesn’t show empathy when others are hurt or rejected
• Acts bossy or insists on own way a lot
• Can’t seem to start or maintain a conversation
• Uses a louder voice than most kids
• Seems constantly ignored or victimized by other kids or constantly teases or annoys other kids

Moms and dads should use a 4-part strategy when helping their kids develop social skills:

1. Point out
2. Practice
3. Praise
4. Prompt

These four steps can be used when you notice that your youngster needs to work on a particular social skill. Before using them, however, you should point out the problem area sensitively and privately (not in front of others) to your youngster.

1. Point Out: Moms and dads can use opportunities to point out when others are using the desired skills. It might be a specific behavior of the parent, another grown-up, a youngster, or even a character in a book or on TV. The idea is to give your kid examples and role models of people engaging in the appropriate social skill.

2. Practice: A mother or father can help their youngster substitute a specific appropriate response for a specific inappropriate one. This might mean brainstorming with the youngster about different alternative responses, and then practicing one or more with him or her. Practicing can involve mapping out actual words to say or behaviors to use, role-playing, and using the newly learned skills in real situations.

3. Praise: Often times, Aspergers and HFA kids are not eager to work on new skills, so moms and dads must reward their kids with praise when the new skills are practiced as a way of helping the skills become habits. This might be a specific verbal statement (“You did an awesome job of X instead of Y when you got upset at the store”), a nonverbal sign such as a thumbs up, or even a treat (10 minutes extra ‘fun time’ before bedtime).

4. Prompt: Without nagging, moms and dads can gently remind their youngster to use a new skill when the opportunity arises. This might be verbal (“Now might be a good time to count to ten in your head”) or nonverbal (a nonverbal cue such as zipping the lips when a youngster is about to interrupt).

Any good coach knows that patience is important, because learning new skills takes time and practice. And everyone differs in how long it takes to learn something new. Coaches often have to be creative in their teaching strategies, because all kids have different ways of learning.

The important thing to remember is that the ability to have good social relationships is not simply about personality or in-born traits. Children who get along with other children have learned skills to do so, and they practice these regularly. Just like a good coach can make the difference for a budding basketball player, moms and dads can help their kids become socially skilled.

There is definitely a connection between a child’s social deficits and being the target bullying. One leads to the other in most cases, unfortunately. According to statistics, when a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism learns social skills needed to gain acceptance from a peer-group, he (a) reduces his chances of being bullied by over 80%, (b) feels better about himself, (c) reduces the risk of dropping out of school due to school-anxiety issues, and (d) has a 3x greater chance of finding and maintaining gainful employment as a young adult.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  parents hate when I suggest separation, yet safe zones that allow us to learn in an environment sensitive to our processing needs in an atmosphere free from fear and oppression is exactly what we need. let me be clear, the whole purpose is to teach children to thrive outside the seclusion, with their peers in society, the method is actually tried and true, they call it "immersion therapy" I am just applying it to society in general. not too mention, we would benefit greatly from much more dedicated, individualized, learning structures , where we can question the teachers and follow intuitions that lead outside the general academic offerings.
•    Anonymous said… Except that if they did that most schools would lose half their pupils, I think all kids dabble with bullying at some point or other, just to feel that power, so in the end there's not enough peer pressure to stop bullying, and sadly it's our atypical kids who bear the brunt of it most of the time.
•    Anonymous said… get the school guidance counsellor involved. it's a good place to start. Plus document everything with dates and what happened or what your child is doing differently, how they are behaving, how their grades are doing, if they want to go to school. you can include this info in your letter for help if you need to write one in the future.
•    Anonymous said… I have found that teachers a to damm scared to interfere in things like the bullies in the school .I took matters into my own hands with my granbabe ,he was being bullied and I complained for 2 weeks then bang took matters into my own hands and delt with the bully scared the life out of him all has been quiet ever since .
•    Anonymous said… My kindergartener has so much anxiety about a boy in his class and the teacher will not do anything. She is blaming my son for being scared of nothing, clearly there is something going on!
•    Anonymous said… What if the only reason they hate school is because they will be away from the parent? I'm literally going insane. For my 11yr old son last year was tough and since summer it has become very stressful. Now in an ESE classroom but this semester has been horrible. He thinks something will happen to me if we're apart, or that I'm going to leave him.

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