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Lying or Wishful Thinking: Which One Is Your Youngster Doing?

So, you have just caught your child lying to you! Now comes a consequence, right? But wait a minute! Was he really lying, or was it a trait of his or her disorder?

Children with ASD level 1, or  High Functioning Autism (HFA), may puzzle their moms and dads by (a) the quantity and poor quality of their lying and (b) the fact that traditional disciplinary strategies don't seem to change the behavior. For these special needs kids, it may be helpful to think less in terms of “lying” and more in terms of "wishful thinking" (i.e., they often say what they would like to be true, rather than what is clearly and objectively true). This may happen for several reasons:

1. Some HFA children can't predict cause and effect. Your youngster throws a ball and breaks a window. His culpability in the act seems clear-cut to you. But a youngster who has trouble with cause-and-effect thinking may not be able to make the connection between throwing a ball and breaking a window. In his mind, if he didn't intend to do it, he didn't do it.

2. Some children on the autism spectrum don't distinguish between fantasy and reality. What is objective to you may be subjective to your youngster. If one truth is as good as another, your youngster may select the one that seems, in his mind, to best suit the occasion.



3. Some of these children don't know what's true. Kids who behave impulsively may not have a clear awareness of what they have done. Kids who have trouble with language processing may not have understood what was asked or expected. Kids with sensory differences may know only what they feel.

4. Some know that the truth may make you (the parent) angry, and they want to please you. If a youngster has done something wrong -- whether due to impulsivity, compulsive behavior, self-protective behavior, language processing problems, motor planning problems, or other causes related to disability -- he may try to make it right by telling you what he thinks will make you happy.

5. Some children are just trying to get in the conversation. Children with limited life experience or limited vocabulary may want to have something to say - but no true contribution to make. Coming up with a story, however fanciful or false, may seem like the only way to participate.

6. Many of these kids are stressed. If you know that your youngster can't think calmly and clearly when stress levels are high, don't be surprised if you see lots of crazy, stubborn lying in that situation.

7. Most HFA children are telling “their” truth. They often experience the world very, very differently than their mother or father, but that does not make their experience false. If your youngster stubbornly, desperately clings to a declaration that you feel is untrue -- water's too hot, work is too hard, an object can't be found -- ask yourself if it might be only untrue to you.

If your youngster has legitimate special needs that may lead him to tell “wishful thinking” instead of the truth, think carefully before giving consequences for lying. It's important for children to know that they should tell the truth, sure, but if the lying is not deliberate, stiff consequences will teach nothing. When your child engages in “lying behavior,” ask yourself if he is doing so with malice and intent. If not, try these techniques for putting more truth in “wishing”:
  1. Accept remorse as genuine.
  2. Be clear and even-tempered in your expectations.
  3. If the wishful thinking in question requires a response, give a brief, judgment-free time-out.
  4. Leave your youngster unsupervised as little as possible, so you always know the score.
  5. Make sure you have your youngster's attention when you ask a question.
  6. Make sure you tell more truth than fiction yourself.
  7. Respect your youngster's reality, and be open to compromise.
  8. Stay as unemotional as possible when getting to the truth of a situation.
  9. Take "I don't know" as an honest answer.
  10. Tell your youngster what you think happened instead of demanding an explanation.

How can I tell if my child is lying – or simply using wishful thinking?

If you pay careful attention to your youngster's behavior, it will help you tell if he or she is lying. Here’s how:

1. Look at the youngster's facial expression. Kids who are telling the truth have relaxed faces that usually show an emotion that matches what the youngster is saying. If a youngster is lying, however, his face may show anxiety caused by knowing that he is telling a lie.

2. Listen carefully to what the youngster is saying. Stories that are false may contain inconsistencies or elements that don't make sense. The story or parts of it may not sound believable. If you suspect a youngster is lying, ask the youngster to repeat what he just told you. Truthful stories told twice in a row will generally be the same, but stories that contain lies may change dramatically or contain accounts that cannot both be true.

3. Decide whether the youngster's story sounds rehearsed or spontaneous. Kids who are telling the truth will usually tell it "off the cuff"(i.e., the story will sound like a fresh recounting of an actual event). A lie, on the other hand, may sound stilted or rehearsed. Some kids may even repeat the exact same phrases when telling a rehearsed story the second time.

4. Watch your youngster's body language. A youngster who is lying is more likely to appear nervous, defensive or scared. Look for hunched shoulders, a stiff body or face, repeatedly touching the nose or mouth and avoiding eye contact. While some kids are anxious when speaking to grown-ups no matter what they say, kids who can speak comfortably to adults normally, but who are nervous when telling a particular story, may be lying.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Parenting Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum - Audio Course

Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teen 
Workshop
Hello Parents,

If you (a) have an Aspergers or High-Functioning Autistic teenager and (b) are having issues with his/her behavior at the moment, I have an audio course that I would like for you to listen to. This course is actually a recording of the "Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teens" workshop that I did recently in the Indianapolis area. You can download this audio course and either burn a CD, or load it onto your iPod. Have fun with it ...and expect great things to happen with your "out of control" teen when you implement the crafty techniques I'll show you :)

Check it out…

Cheers!

Mark Hutten, M.A.
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How to Stop Confusing Your Child: 10 Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Every child has a "blind spot" in learning and understanding things. Many kids don't "get" algebra, for example. This is a challenge that the child can usually overcome at some point (e.g., with the help of a tutor). However, in children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), the "blind spot" happens to be reading social cues – and it is permanent (called mind-blindness). This blind spot is right there in their face, every day (e.g., dealing with parents, teachers, peers, etc.).

There are certain effects that make language vivid and engaging, fun to use, and interesting to listen to (e.g., figures of speech, sarcasm, body language, tone of voice, etc.). But these effects can stand like sturdy roadblocks between the messages we try to give our kids and their ability to receive them.

Aspergers and HFA kids with language processing problems, developmental delays, and other special needs can have genuine difficulty understanding the nuances and subtexts of language. If your youngster reacts to something you've said in a way that surprises you (e.g., ignoring, overreacting, defying, misunderstanding, panicking, giving you that "deer in the headlights" look, etc.), then consider the following:

1. If your message is anything other than simple and straightforward, pare it down and try again. You may be surprised at how much more cooperative your youngster is when he actually knows what you want.

2. Just as you wouldn't talk to a 3-year-old the same way you'd talk to a 13-year-old and expect the same degree of comprehension, you can't talk to an Aspergers or HFA youngster with delayed language, social or emotional skills in a way that would be appropriate for his chronological age.



3. It's natural to try to add more and more explanation when you feel that your son or daughter doesn't understand what you're saying, but if language is the problem in the first place, adding more language probably isn't going to help.

4. Instead of trying to “tip” your Aspie to your meaning with tone of voice, body language and wordplay, use simple repetitive phrases that are easy to understand. If you want your youngster to do something, start by saying "I need you to ..." If you're talking about feelings, say "I feel ..."

5. Without an awareness of the way tone of voice and body language can change the meaning of words, your youngster may misinterpret your intention or your level of urgency.

6. You may be inflating your statements for humor or out of anger, but your youngster may think you really mean it. He may:
  • accuse you of overreacting
  • panic or overreact
  • not know what to make of what you've said
  • think you're being cruel

7. What seems friendly and harmless to you may seem threatening and confusing to a youngster on the autism spectrum who does not understand that you don't really mean it – or even why you would say a thing you don't mean.

8. If you use an expression your youngster is not familiar with, or if he doesn't understand that words can be used in ways that have nothing to do with their literal meaning, then your statement may seem silly, annoying or incomprehensible.

9. If your youngster is unable to pick up cues from your tone of voice, he may take what you say at face value (i.e., the exact opposite of your meaning).

10. Children on the spectrum can learn to not take things literally, but they don't seem able to let go of one meaning (they need to store both). Thus, expose your youngster to as many “silly phrases” as possible (e.g., “that opened up a can of worms” … “that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back” … “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” …etc.). Explain what each of these phrases mean. Learning them early can save confusion and embarrassment later.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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Helping Resistant Children with Transitions

"My child with autism (high functioning) still has trouble with transitions. Social stories don’t work that well for him. To get him to stop doing what he’s doing to get ready for bed (as just one example) is like pulling teeth. Help!"

Here’s a 7-step plan for giving your youngster with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism (HFA) plenty of warning and helping him make transitions more calmly:

1. 10-minute warning: Tell your youngster, "You’ve got 10 more minutes" (parent’s secret: unless your youngster is watching the clock or is a stickler for accuracy in this area, you can give this warning well before you actually only do have 10 more minutes). Let’s assume that your youngster is ignoring you at this point (e.g., he may be thinking he has plenty of time yet).

2. 5-minute warning: About halfway into the 10-minute warning, say, "You’ve got 5 more minutes" (get at least an acknowledgment that your youngster has received the message at this point). As HFA children often do, let’s assume that your youngster is still ‘dilly dallying’ around (i.e., taking his sweet time).



3. Warnings by the minute: Just as some snooze alarms get louder each time you hit the button, make your warnings more frequent at this point (e.g., give a 4-minute warning …3-minute …2-minute (parent’s secret: the countdown doesn't have to actually correspond to factual time; you can say, for example, that he only has 2-minutes left, but he may actually have 2 ½). In any event, let your youngster know that it's time to get organized for a change.

4. Warnings by the second: At this point, your youngster should be at least reluctantly moving toward change. Count down in 10-second increments at this point (e.g., you’ve got 50 seconds …40 …30 …and so on).

5. An extra 10-count: If your youngster is still goofing off, tell him he has a count of 10 to get with it. Then count up from 1 to 10. And move on.

6. This technique should work with those kids on the autism spectrum who have difficulty with motor planning and change. However, you will want to calibrate the amount of time used to your particular youngster's needs. The countdown described above is merely an example, and one that can be tailored according to the situation – and your child’s temperament.

7. A stopwatch or a timer can sometimes also be effective countdown tools. When choosing a timer, opt for one that will be most appropriate for your youngster, and make sure that it is something that he will easily understand. While a digital timer may be an appropriate choice for older kids, this may not be well suited for younger ones. For younger kids who still do not have a concept of time, the hourglass timer usually works best – not only because it is more interesting, but also because it is easier to understand. Since younger kids may not know how long 3 minutes is, the hourglass timer gives them a visual of how long 3 minutes actually is.

Before you use the timer, let your youngster know what the timer is for. Let him know that the timer keeps track of when he needs to switch activities (e.g., “When the timer goes off, it is time for you to stop playing your video game and get ready for bed.”). Explain it simply and use words that will make him understand.

When using the timer, it is also important that you provide warning signals (e.g., ringing of a soft bell, gentle snapping of the fingers, etc.) when the time is almost over. This way, your youngster will be ready when the time runs out and will not feel surprised or rushed. The important thing is to be consistent and to always use the same warning signals. This way, it will become part of the routine.

Tips to help you be successful with the “transitioning” method outlined above:

1. Be consistent. Use the same warning time and words every time. This makes it easier for your youngster to understand and adjust to the transitions. By knowing what the expectations are, he will transition easier.

2. Do as much as possible beforehand. Pick out clothes the night before, make sure his shoes are readily available, etc.

3. Evaluate situations that are difficult. If there is a particular situation that causes major problems during transitions, evaluate the circumstances surrounding the situations. For example, it could be that your child doesn't want to do the next activity due to sensory issues or other problems. It could be that the schedule needs adjustment, or that other accommodations need to be in place.

4. Make sure all of the “extra activities” are taken care of beforehand. It is easier to get out the door when the boy or girl can’t pause when it opens and exclaim, “I have to go to the bathroom!” Take care of those needs before you walk out the door. Do the same with food and drink. Better yet, bring a water bottle and a snack (one less excuse for your youngster to dawdle).

5. Make your youngster part of the team. Enlist his help in order to get out the door on time. Have a checklist and allow him to check off what gets done, or have him help load important items into the car if you are leaving.

6. Negotiate transitions when possible. For example, if he’s playing video games and you want him to stop so he can get some homework done, you can say, “Do you want to continue playing your game for another 30 minutes and then do your homework – or do you want to stop for now, do some homework, and then go back to your game for 60 minutes? So, 30 minutes now – or 60 minutes later …what’s your preference?”

7. Never underestimate the power of a good social story. If you’ve tried social stories, but they didn’t work, it may have just been a poorly applied story. Social stories are a wonderful tool for working with Aspergers and HFA children. The value of seeing his name in print with clear expectations will be golden for your youngster. A social story is a simple story naming the youngster along with the story of what you want him to accomplish.

8. Respect your youngster’s need for a warning. When an HFA child is engaged in an activity, it is very difficult for him to move on to the next activity. Teaching him how to transition takes patience and time on your part. By giving a warning, the youngster will have an easier time accepting transitions.

9. Teach your child to tell time. The sooner you do it, the easier it becomes for your son or daughter to understand the passage of time and how it works.

10. Use rewards. When a kid on the spectrum is engaged in an activity, sometimes it is difficult to get him to transition to a new activity. In order to help him, offer some incentive to change activities (e.g., a preferred food or item, a desired activity later in the day, etc.).

A plan for blatant resistance: “This Tantrum Is Not Solving Your Problem”

If your child flat-out refuses to make the transition from the current activity to the next one – or worse yet – throws a temper tantrum, help him understand that “resistance” and “throwing a tantrum” will not help him get what he wants. For example, let’s say he’s watching television …then you come along and want him to get ready for dinner. Your first request for this transition is met with stiff confrontation (e.g., yelling and throwing the remote). You can say, “If your problem is that you want to watch TV, then yelling and throwing the remote is not solving that problem …it’s just prolonging the problem! If you want to solve that problem, then come and eat a few bites, then you watch TV some more.”

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Kids on the Autism Spectrum


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... for the ideas
•    Anonymous said... Hi my son is 15 and he still has no concept of time I'm finding him very hard work ATM he never wants to do anything he can be snappy towards me has anyone any ideas please or suggestions many thanx x
•    Anonymous said... I have those magnet ones, my iphone app I got works great too. We use them for night time routines usually now. I used to have one in each area of my home.
•    Anonymous said... I've learned that my son needs a "5 minute warning" before a transition (even if it's not a true five minutes). If I spring something on him, he wigs out.
•    Anonymous said... jp always needed a warning 10 min then 5 min and then i had to say time for dinner and lead the way. sometimes we sang a tidy up song before bed and we still have an identical bedtime routine. i find routine and consistency the best for him
•    Anonymous said... Just make sure the timer is a pleasing noise!! My son is now scared of timers because the load noise bothers him! The timer we used had a ringing noise and it actually caused more problem than the transition!
•    Anonymous said... My son is 5-1/2 and we use an hourglass timer. And also a picture to do list. Pictures of the activities in order is something he has really been able to follow and with the timer for each activity it really helps him feel like he can be prepared for what's next.
•    Anonymous said... Thanks for sharing the link to that timer - it is really cool! I usually do a verbal time warning. I used to do 10 minutes then 5 minutes and so on. We can now do a 5 minute warning, then a 2 minute and 1 minute warning before any kind of change - getting off the computer, time to leave, etc...
•    Anonymous said... The tricks depend on the age and what kinda kid. My son does better with "finish the chapter" than time as I think he's a bit OCD and really compulsive about finishing and saving (like in Minecraft--Roblox has been hugely frustrating for the lack of saving "all that work"). For recurring transitions, predictable "transition helpers" work for us. Like (pls don't blast me for the food thing) when we leave McD's after eating and playing, my kids get their dessert (a cookie) in the car. On the computer, we have been using Family Safety in Win8 to regulate time spent. I especially love that I can really customize the curfew settings by adding in 1/2 hr curfews for meals in addition to the whole time limit for the day. Most kids get really wrapped up and forget to eat. Good luck!
•    Anonymous said... There are great visual timer apps for the iPad and smart phones. They have worked well for my 4 -year-old daughter. She also has trouble with transitions.
•    Anonymous said... there are some cool timers used in autistic classrooms that work on the principal of a traffic light, green, yellow, red,this gives the child a warning,, and a visual indicater
•    Anonymous said... This is my son exactly!! Especially at dinner time. But not only is it a challenge to get him to the table, it's also a nightmare to get him to stay there. Or to do anything I ask of him really.
•    Anonymous said... We don't uses timers but I am thinking would be good to show some patience. Any meal time I have our 5 yr old help I incorporated his schooling time with cooking time. Now he is not a big eater so we are working on it. The more we do meal cooking really new stuff he will try a lil bit. That is a huge step.
•    Anonymous said... We set the oven timer and remind him every few minutes of how long he has until whatever it is we want him to do eg, pack his school bag, turn off the Wii, brush his teeth, come to the dinner table. It always works. We can never just spring something onto him...he is very literal and visual.
•    Anonymous said... we use a hand held cooking timer ($6 @ walmart) but try it out before buying because the bell/ringer can be too loud! We let our 5yr old son set it himself so he feels some control over what's going on. before beginning any activity, we let him know how much time is allowed for that event (10 min.) & when it's over, we will move on to the next activity (name it - bath time, dinner, etc.). he likes knowing what the upcoming activity is, but not more than that. At the 5 min. mark, I countdown each minute until the bell rings, he loves it! At 2 min. mark, I explain that he has 2 minutes left, but that the next activity (eating) will be great because (we're having his favorite dish). It helps make the transition smoother when he's down to the last minute. My son really likes a schedule, a time-table of events/activities, but has to be fore-warned when changing from each activity.
•    Anonymous said... Welcome to my life. I find that touching him and speaking directly works well. Calling from downstairs I do not reccommend unless you want to call atleast 10 times. When he is playing lego he is lost in his own world.

Add your comment below…
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The New Diagnostic Criteria for Autism

The publication of the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) will have a huge impact on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs). Aspergers and PDD-NOS will disappear, new criteria will be used to diagnose ASD, and new categories have been developed which are likely to absorb many individuals now diagnosed with ASD.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Must meet criteria A, B, C, and D:

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across contexts, not accounted for by general developmental delays, and manifest by all 3 of the following:
  1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity; ranging from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back and forth conversation through reduced sharing of interests, emotions, and affect and response to total lack of initiation of social interaction.
  2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction; ranging from poorly integrated- verbal and nonverbal communication, through abnormalities in eye contact and body-language, or deficits in understanding and use of nonverbal communication, to total lack of facial expression or gestures.
  3. Deficits in developing and maintaining relationships, appropriate to developmental level (beyond those with caregivers); ranging from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit different social contexts through difficulties in sharing imaginative play and in making friends to an apparent absence of interest in people.

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities as manifested by at least two of the following:
  1. Stereotyped or repetitive speech, motor movements, or use of objects; (such as simple motor stereotypies, echolalia, repetitive use of objects, or idiosyncratic phrases).
  2. Excessive adherence to routines, ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior, or excessive resistance to change; (such as motoric rituals, insistence on same route or food, repetitive questioning or extreme distress at small changes).
  3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus; (such as strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).
  4. Hyper-or hypo-reactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of environment; (such as apparent indifference to pain/heat/cold, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, fascination with lights or spinning objects).

C. Symptoms must be present in early childhood (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities).

D. Symptoms together limit and impair everyday functioning.

The DSM is a manual that organizes behaviors and symptoms into diagnostic groups for the purposes of clinical diagnosis and recommended treatment. Over time, the DSM has changed significantly. The concept of an "Autism spectrum" is relatively recent, and major changes to criteria for Autism diagnoses will change what we presently think of as the "spectrum." Most significant for individuals in the autism community will be the removal of two existing Autism spectrum diagnoses from the manual: PDD-NOS and Aspergers.

Treatments will probably not vary much as a result of the DSM change. Also, there should not be a shake-up in terms of services and therapies. People and their needs aren't changing, just the way we capture their diagnoses.



The new criteria attempt to better describe and identify what Autism is, including what social communication is (separate from general learning disabilities). The DSM will also incorporate a dimensional aspect to ASD, indicating how much support an person needs in his/her community to focus on what the person should be doing at their age and developmental levels. This acknowledges that there is a range of causes in ASD, with a different range of functions.

An individual with present symptoms of Aspergers will fall in the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, and there will probably be additional “specifiers” (e.g., without intellectual disability, with fluent speech, etc.), which may better describe the diagnostic picture for such an individual than is currently done with the term Aspergers alone.
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2024 Statistics of Autism in Chinese Children

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has emerged as a significant public health concern worldwide, and China is no exception. As of 2024, new rese...