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Reducing Parental Stress While Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My wife and I feel like the world's worst parents. Our 12-year-old daughter (high functioning) pushes us to the breaking point daily. We try to manage her behaviors appropriately, but we often end up yelling. We know her behaviors are not her fault. But in the heat of the moment, our best intentions are overwhelmed by 12 years of frustration. We have talked to a psychologist for family counseling, but just got a lot of sympathy. We love our daughter and want to do a better job.

Answer

The first thing you have to realize is that you are not the world's worst parents. The fact that you are seeking help is evidence of this. Over time, relationships develop patterns, and sometimes these can be self-defeating. Yelling is the result of your frustrations with a situation that seems to have no solution at the time. I remember how angry I was when my Aspergers grandson (high functioning) was 9-years-old. I had a hard time accepting his Aspergers-related behavior. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder – always ready to correct him by yelling at him.

In terms of behavior, you and your wife can learn some straight forward behavioral techniques that will help. You need strategic guidance – not just sympathy. I appreciate your courage in being honest about how you feel. Anger, one of the most intense and least understood human emotions, is probably the scariest and most socially unacceptable emotion to own up to. It often arises with the thought, "Why me? Why did I do to deserve this?" It is normal for moms and dads of "special needs" children to get frustrated and direct anger at their youngster, themselves, each other, the doctor, mercury, the local school district, etc. Many parents in your situation also feel guilty (e.g., “It’s probably my fault that my child has an autism spectrum disorder”).



As with most negative patterns of behavior, it is likely that you promise yourself on a daily basis that this time you will not yell, but at this point your relationship with your daughter ends up in the same place because nobody can figure a way out of the trap. Things may need to be set up differently in your home to help you optimize your relationship with your little girl. Your daughter may be reacting to things that many of us would not realize or understand. She may not understand or be able to let you know what it is. The bottom line is this: you may simply lack some of the skills necessary for raising an autistic youngster, and that is not surprising given the level of complications that these kids often bring.

Some of the behaviors of kids with high functioning autism (HFA) and Asperger's can push any one of us to our breaking point. It is important to remember though, as you stated yourself, that your daughter is not purposely pushing you to your breaking point, just as you are not purposely "breaking."

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

So what can be done?

First, be sure to watch out for a faulty belief system (i.e., negative self-talk) that contributes to parental stress (which results in much anger, frustration, and yelling). For example:
  • Giving 100% every day is what every parent is expected to do.
  • I refuse to let anyone else care for - or influence - my ‘special needs’ child.
  • I should always deny my own needs for rest and recreation in order to help my child.
  • I should do everything for my child and not require her to take on responsibilities she can’t handle.
  • I should feel guilty if I need a break or want some attention for myself.
  • I should spend every possible moment with my child.
  • I will be seen by society as a good and honorable person because of the effort I put into being a good mother/father.
  • My child should “like” me.
  • My child should appreciate everything I do for her.
  • One role in my life (i.e., the role of parent) can satisfy all my needs and can support all my dreams.
  • Other people must see me as a good parent, able to handle everything.
  • The success or failure of my child depends entirely on me.

Any of these beliefs (or ones similar to them) will directly translate into anger and frustration. Here are some ways to counteract a faulty belief system:
  • Be able to live in the presence of imperfection.
  • Boost your own self-confidence.
  • Develop a support system by sharing honestly your feelings of frustration, anger, and concern.
  • Develop the positive belief that you can control destiny.
  • Be selfish (in a healthy way).
  • Free yourself from needing outside approval.
  • Learn to catch yourself when you say negative statements to yourself and challenge them.
  • Learn to tolerate change (because kids with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism change a lot over time).
  • Practice positive thinking by daily affirmations; repeat positive messages to yourself over and over.
  • View love, affection, and approval from your child as a bonus – not a “need.”
  • See the positive side of stress.
  • Understand anger and use it constructively; control anger by controlling wishes.

Other things that contribute to parental stress:
  • Coping with difficult autism-related behaviors
  • Dealing with the school about your child's placement or program
  • Educating neighbors and relatives about your child's issues
  • Financial pressures
  • Getting your child in the right school
  • Home-schooling your child
  • Helping her with homework
  • Helping siblings understand the problems associated with the disorder
  • Working with your “not-too-involved” spouse on child management
  • Dealing with unexpected meltdowns (especially in public)

How to cope with parental stress associated with raising a child on the spectrum:

1. Analyze problems thoroughly:
  • Describe the problem with a specific statement.
  • State how it could be worse and how it could be better.
  • Determine what is keeping it from getting better.
  • Propose solutions for the things over which you have control.
  • Plan action.

2. Use time management:
  • List priorities – both short and long term.
  • Do a time use audit.
  • Compare time use with priority of goals.

3. Develop assertiveness:
  • Know your limits, and be realistic about what you can accomplish. Say no to unreasonable demands.
  • Learn about your child's problems and needs so that you can be an active participant in meetings with school personnel and can offer suggestions to coaches, neighbors, and relatives.

4. Address physiological stressors:
  • Recognize that children with special needs require exceptional amounts of energy. In order to replenish energy, parents need to be sure they get sufficient rest, eat well balanced meals, and exercise vigorously.
  • Learn meditation or relaxation techniques to use when they feel stressed, anxious, or fatigued.

5. Use other stress-reducing strategies:
  • Find a place of retreat (e.g., the bathroom or the car), and go there for cooling off when the tension is very great.
  • Follow your physician's advice.
  • Hire out or trade off chores that are time consuming and distasteful. Sometimes it is well worth paying someone else to do those chores so that you have more time and energy to devote to yourself and your family.
  • Make recreation and relaxation a priority, so that you have some time off during the week. Studies have shown that psychologically healthy families have “less-than-perfect” housekeeping.
  • Team up with a spouse or friend for time off.
  • Use relaxation tapes or exercises to calm down after a hectic day.

It may help you to think about what other feelings you may have besides the frustration and the anger (e.g., fear, sorrow, worry). What would be there if the anger disappeared? Moms and dads like you are trying to make sense out of what has happened (e.g., "If we are good parents, then how come we can’t get our child to behave appropriately – even if she has this ‘disorder’?"). Moms and dads of HFA and Asperger's children need to allow themselves to experience anger, to cry, and to scream. It is all part of the grief process. Indeed the disorder can be tough to live with, but trying to deny or minimize how hard it is to have such a youngster only prolongs the suffering you are describing.

Anger is a reflection of the hurt and fear. Gaining perspective, along with time and compassion, can help curb the associated frustrations. It is probably worth another try to connect with a mental health professional who can guide you through this. If nothing else, your daughter will teach you to be patient with what you can’t change.


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PARENTS' COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said… ABA Therapy has been a life changer & life saver for our family.
•    Anonymous said… All these so called therapists cost money its easier said than done ,my son and daughter in law have a massive problem with their son no help here in nz its shocking they love him as i do but at times who knows what triggers him off but he also brings them to breaking point. The temper is unleashed and its shocking so I feel sorry for you as our country is so far behind the times its not funny.
•    Anonymous said… Excellent tips for the guilt ridden parent. Thank you!
•    Anonymous said… For therapy, seek out a Cognitive Behavior therapist who has worked with Aspie teens.
•    Anonymous said… I can so relate to this. Our daughter is 9. She is not yet diagnosed but I am convinced she has aspergers. It's tearing our family apart. And the reality is that not even good, conscious parents can deal with this alone as a team. It really takes other people, professionals community and family. So far we have had zero help or support. professionals have not made the diagnosis hence we are not getting appropriate professional support, family writes her off as a brat and blames our parenting for her meltdowns and rigid thinking. Community rejects her and does the same as family. I guess if nothing else, take heart that you as a couple are at least both on the same page and fighting for her. I often feel like I am fighting for her alone as my partner frequently forgets her challenges and adopts the same attitude as everyone else. His responses to her frequently exascerbates her issues. As patient as I force myself to be majority of the time I get to the point of yelling as well as breaking down to tears. But they are our children and we have to keep going and fighting for them no matter what. There is no other choice. I have to remind myself daily that difference is not deficit and that her wiring is beneficial in so many ways to our rigidly conformist society. Someday she will find her niche and thrive. I have to believe our girls came here to change this world. It needs a change.
•    Anonymous said… I do not engaged with my son in a meltdown. I will say to him I understand. (I do too) He has 2 rules keep his hands and mouth to himself. I stay matter of fact. He goes to his room to calm down. When he is calm we talk about what happened and why. write down the rules make a plan. If he gets verbal to me He looses computer for the day. I really think it is a lack of not knowing the right way to communicate. He is 16 now and much better. No more 4 hour meltdowns. It does get better. Hang in there.
•    Anonymous said… I feel you... Going through the same thing with my ASD Miss 7 frown emoticon
•    Anonymous said… If you haven't addressed diet...I highly recommend...removing dyes and gluten and minimizing sugars were game changers...helped reduce frustration and what we call "tunnel vision". We also do ABA...it gives him practice on appropriate skills and makes him more aware of his own being. We also incorporate essential oils and it has drastically changed his moods...less meltdowns and anxiety!! Good luck! Jr High age is some of the most difficulty years for an aspie kid is what we hear over and over! Try your best to create your own rules where you disengage by using breathing technique or counting or whatever...so you aren't wasting negative energy and increasing your own stress! I have a phrase I say over and over in my head when I find myself overwhelmed or engaging in useless behaviors like yelling "relax and be productive...relax and be productive " I repeat till I feel calm and generally that gives my son time as well...and I tell him...I need a minute because I love you and my only goal is to help!
•    Anonymous said… I've found more help on fb sites than any doctor. Start with one issue to work on at a time so it's not overwhelming. And keep asking fb sites questions. We are the ones dealing with it and can instantly give ideas. Our 12 yr daughter has been taken out of school and placed into a Montessori type school that has only 25 kids K-8th grade. That helped a ton. After a year when she ages out I don't know what we'll do, probably homeschool and get her in small group clubs/activities . Also, a chiropractor has helped us greatly, as well as a sensory specialist
We also use quality probiotics, vit D, omegas, and no dairy . Reducing stress for all of us has been our priority
•    Anonymous said… My 15 year old son was just diagnosed this past February with aspergers so needless to say we missed out on all the early interventions. Now we are dealing with an out of control teen with melt downs. He is now in an inpatient facility awaiting for a residential treatment program to be approved. Does anyone know of any good facilities on Pennsylvania.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 14 and just recently got diagnosed. I choose my battles wisely. I just got him to do dishes. He wont do them all but he will do one sink full. I build from there.
•    Anonymous said… Our daughter was diagnosed at 12. One thing we have found that works well, on the advice of her therapy team, is to give very concrete answers when she asks for something. Not knowing if or when she'd get something she was asking for would crank up her anxiety. For example, she'd ask when she'd get to go xyz. I'd tell her, we'll see. Her behavior would deteriorate and she'd get cranky. Now I tell her, at 4PM or no earlier than 4PM, I will have a definite answer then. Somehow that calms her down. If she continues to ask, our code word is "badgering". She understands, based on conversations we have when she's in a relaxed mood, that if she badgers, she won't get what she wants at all.
•    Anonymous said… Read the posts on this page and ask a ton of questions. My son was not diagnosed until he was 11. I researched where I could take him for testing and diagnoses. It was a true life saver. I had an older daughter who put me through hell, but then I had a son I was losing and had to learn how to be HIS parent. I stopped listening to others about what I should be doing and started asking others on here how they handled it. It completely changed our lives. The normal parenting rules do not work for these kids. But once you start working together these are the biggest blessings ever. My son is easy now.
•    Anonymous said… we need this today. Read some of the comments. We are not alone.
•    Anonymous said… Believe me, you have an army of friends here that are exactly the same. Its tough...we try our best and at the end of the day we love our children despite what we go through.
•    Anonymous said… Hang in there and know you're not alone! Best advice I was given was when your child yells at you, she wants the negative feed back of you yelling back. Don't give in. Tell them "I love you too much to argue", or "I only argue on Tuesdays at 2:30 pm" just something over and over that they understand you're not going to engage with them. Be a robot. Take the emotion out of it. It's SOO hard, but important and it works.
•    Anonymous said… It may help to have some comforting items in the area to distract or something she can take her anger out on. We have pets so that helps my daughter disengage. Also she uses noise cancelling headphones to calm herself. However, at the beginning of dealing with her outbursts I would leave stacks of paper for her to tear up and stomp on when she was angry or punch pillows. Allowing her to express her emotions deliberately on items we had agreed upon together seemed to work for a while. But sometimes she would refuse to use this strategy for her anger and I would be at a loss. Hang in there!!!
•    Anonymous said… My 10 yr old is just in the process of a diagnosis so I am very new to this. A big problem I have is she won't allow me to step away. She will follow me!! Any tips on getting her to understand we need to break and calm down?
•    Anonymous said… SAME....I feel like we've lived 15 years of hell & I hate feeling soooo depleted & exhausted.....I feel like I can't even enjoy my son & being a mom because everything is chaos 24/7......know you're not alone!!! It's the worst feeling in the world 😢 😢 😢 😢
•    Anonymous said… Talk to someone who doesn't just offer sympathy, but someone who can suggest coping skills for you as parents, siblings, and your child (struggling the most). Sometimes you have to try out a few therapists before you find someone who is more effective. My daughter's therapist invites family members in on sessions to have family discussions on how everyone can work together to manage emotions and frustrations on all sides. Also, deep breaths. Sometimes my 9 year old ADHD/Aspergers daughter drives me to the brink of insanity....I have to always remember to step away and stop speaking. Breathe. Create space. When the heat of the moment passes, everyone can communicate more logically and rationally about what led up to the situation and how to cope and/or prevent the next occurrence. It sounds like you all have the right mindset and heart is in the right place, these things take time and effort and so much patience. But oh how lucky our kids to have us rock star parents  :D hugs xo
•    Anonymous said… Thanks for posting moms...everyday is a struggle.. It's hard not to lose it  😔
•    Anonymous said… We constantly have to remind ourselves that no one is perfect. The frustration can get off the charts but we love our kids and sometimes we have to go loud. You are not alone.
•    Anonymous said… You are definitely not alone and we are all only human

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By

Creating Successful Behavior Charts for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Behavior charts consist of two primary components: (1) parental expectations (e.g., doing chores, behaving, handling self-care tasks, etc.) and (2) the reward for meeting such expectations.

Behavior charts can be very effective in getting kids to do what moms and dads want. But often times, parents find that their Aspergers or high-functioning autistic (HFA) children don't respond to charts – either because the concept is too abstract, or the gratification is too delayed. Adjusting and simplifying the chart to your youngster’s particular needs and abilities can make the difference between success and failure with this particular parenting technique.

Here's how to successfully employ behavior charts for children on the autism spectrum:

1. Be sure to have plenty of consistency, patience and a willingness to try new ideas.

2. Coupons for desired activities (or avoidance of undesired ones) can serve as a good tangible reward for behavior-chart goals. Try pre-made printable coupons (see below) or create some of your own.

3. Don't load up the chart with unrealistic items you'd like your youngster to complete (e.g., making all A’s on the next report card). A couple “big goals” are fine every now and then, but make sure there are some things he is already doing on a regular basis, and a couple of very easy things that will always earn some points or check marks no matter what. Add one "miscellaneous" category for rewarding random acts of good behavior.



4. Don't offer anything you can't deliver. Big trips or large toys are risky promises. Losing them will be a negative experience for your youngster if he doesn't succeed in earning enough points, and they may be hard for you to deliver reliably. If your youngster is earning an allowance, put the money aside early in the week so you'll be sure to deliver on payday.

5. Figure out a reasonable time period for your youngster to go without a reward. For a very young child, or one with severe behavior issues, it may be as little as 15 minutes. Let your youngster know that for every 15 minutes of appropriate behavior, she will get a reward (e.g., a sticker on a piece of paper, a small snack, a coin, etc.). If the behavior during any specific increment doesn't measure up, the reward is missed, but the time resets and the next increment of time is open for change.

6. If your youngster makes a partial attempt at something (e.g., doing a chore), but does not completely follow through (e.g., he made his bed, but didn’t pick up his clothes off the floor), make sure he always gets some sort of reward. The idea here is to be positive about successes. Offer a descending scale of rewards for points attained (e.g., smaller amounts of money, reduced time to play computer games, etc.). If your youngster can work with you on this, set up the rewards together and agree on them. Put the possibilities on the chart.

7. If your youngster is not always able to do the items on the chart without help, then increase the number of points available for that task, and award them according to effort (e.g., if your youngster has trouble getting dressed in the mornings, you might award 5 points if he does it himself, 3 points if you just have to help a little, and 1 point if you have to get him dressed - but he cooperates). In this way, you're able to make a positive experience out of almost any outcome.

8. If your youngster just doesn't "get" a chart with points or checkmarks, try putting happy faces or stickers on the chart for successful results – or skip the chart idea entirely and devise another method of tracking your youngster’s successful moments (e.g., put pennies in a jar, add beads to a string, add Legos to a Lego tower, add rubber bands to a rubber-band ball, etc.). Anything that involves “adding on” to something will work.

9. Make the chart all about rewarding positive behavior – not penalizing negative behavior. Make a big deal about putting points up - or checking items off. Don't apply blame for items not checked. The chart is an opportunity to get extra credit for things done right.

10. Most behavior charts are intended to improve your youngster's performance over time, or provide weekly motivators for meeting your expectations. Sometimes, though, you need to reward behavior in the short-term (e.g., making it through a church service, surviving a mall trip, etc.). Using a chart to break down the activity into small reward-able units of time can make it easier for your youngster to get it done.

11. Reviewing the chart every night gives you an opportunity to provide positive feedback for jobs well done. If your youngster responds best to short-term rewards, you might give something like a sticker for a minimum of points earned. At the end of the week, the stickers can be "cashed-in" for bigger rewards.

12. Some Aspergers and HFA children are highly motivated by an allowance. For them, the pay-off at the end of the week should be in cash. Establish the amount in advance and put it on the chart. If money isn't motivating, find something that is (e.g., small toy, fast-food lunch, computer game time, a "get out of time-out free" card, etc.). Be creative and find the things your youngster really craves, not the things that would make sense to you.

13. Your youngster's abilities and your family's needs change, thus the chart should change too. Do this in collaboration with your son or daughter when possible. Add new chores as your youngster's abilities increase, and eliminate things he is rarely successful at. Keep brainstorming new rewards and new methods of earning them. The secret to a good behavior chart is making sure your youngster is always able to earn points – and excited about doing so.

14. Decide on a couple things you would most like done "better" by your youngster (e.g., putting shoes away, sharing toys with siblings, helping with chores when asked, good routine when getting ready for bed, etc.). With a permanent marker, write or draw these points on the side of the chart. Then write or draw the acceptable reward you are happy to offer for compliance.

15. Don’t forget about behavior at school. Ask your youngster's teacher to send home a behavior report every day. If necessary, send in a simple form that can be checked off quickly. Award points based on performance. Make a big deal of putting these points on the chart, but if your youngster has a bad day, don't make a big deal of not adding them. Simply wish him better luck tomorrow.

Making a Behavior Chart from Scratch—

1. Write out a list of goals you would like to place on the behavior chart. These might be chores, behavior modifications, or every day habits. Whatever you decide, make a “top five list” of priorities to place on the chart.

2. Open up a word-processing program (e.g., Microsoft Word) or calculation software (e.g., Microsoft Excel). Use a simple chart or graph template of your choosing to make your behavior chart. If you do not find one, you can simply draw one in Word or freehand with a marker.

3. At the side of the chart, make five sections and label each section with one of your goals. For example, "Clean Room" can be section one, "Courteous to Siblings" can be section two, "Sharing Toys" can be section three, etc. On the top of the chart list the date of the month, or just leave it blank. Make rows of squares next to each section so columns are formed with approximately 10-30 squares in each row.

4. Shop with your youngster to pick out stickers to be used as a reward. Getting him/her involved with the creation of the chart – as well as the goal reaching – can really make a strong and positive impact. Choose stickers that are brightly colored or feature your youngster's favorite characters. Place a sticker on the chart every time a good behavior is completed.

5. Decide what the reward will be once a row on the good behavior chart is filled. Note these rewards somewhere on the chart, ideally along the bottom or below the graph. Make your reward intentions clear from the start, so a youngster will not expect too much or think too little of the behavior chart. Brainstorm with your youngster to come up with goal deadlines and rewards.

6. Tack or tape the good behavior chart in a visible, common area of the home. This may be the kitchen, living room or hallway. Encourage other family members to verbally praise the youngster when a sticker is earned, or a goal is near completion. Create a new good behavior chart with fresh goals once the current ones are achieved.


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____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
By

Motives Behind ASD Behavior: Parents’ Analytical Approach

"How can we as parents possibly know the difference between unwanted behavior as a result of the traits of the disorder versus behavior that is simply a form of tantrumming?"

When your child with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), begins to act out, it often looks like misbehavior, sounds like misbehavior, and certainly feels like misbehavior. But for many kids on the autism spectrum, “misbehavior” (e.g., lying, acting-out, tantrums, disrespect, and other signs of apparent disobedience) may have more to do with typical autism-related traits (e.g., lack of communication skills, motor clumsiness, sensory sensitivities, cause-and-effect thinking, etc.) than with deliberate malicious intent.

This DOES NOT mean you have to allow “out-of-control behavior” as just another fact of your parenting an HFA child. Your youngster still needs to learn acceptable behavior to be safe and successful. It DOES mean, though, that you're going to have to look at things from a different angle.

In order to (a) differentiate between “misbehavior and “autism-related behavior” and (b) successfully address both, consider the following suggestions:

1. To start with, you'll want to narrow your focus to one particular behavior to analyze and change. Although it's tempting, don't just choose the thing that most annoys you. A better choice will be something that particularly puzzles you. For example:
  • Why can your youngster do math just fine some days, and balks on other days?
  • Why does he insist on punishment even when it upsets him?
  • Why does he get so wound up and wild?
  • Why is your youngster sweet and compliant sometimes, then resists to the point of tantrum over something inconsequential?

As long as you're going to be a detective, you might as well give yourself a good mystery. While you're stalking one behavior, you may need to let others slide, unless it's a matter of safety. Don't try to change everything all at once.



2. Next, keep a journal (or if it is a frequently occurring behavior, keep a chart) for noting every incidence of the targeted behavior. Include the time of day the behavior occurred, and what happened before, during, and after. Think of what might have happened directly before the behavior, and also earlier in the day. Think, too, of what happened directly after the behavior, and whether it offered the youngster any reward (even negative attention can be rewarding if the alternative is no attention at all). Ask yourself the following questions. Does the behavior tend to:
  • be more frequent during a certain time of day?
  • occur after a certain event?
  • occur during transitions?
  • occur in anticipation of something happening?
  • occur when routine is disrupted?
  • occur when something happens - or doesn't happen?
  • occur when things are very noisy or very busy?

Keep track over the course of a few weeks and look for patterns.

3. It may seem as though your youngster saves his worst behavior for public places, where it causes you the most embarrassment. But there may be a reason for that. Ask yourself the following question:
  • Does he have a hard time resisting touching and banging things like buttons or doors?
  • Does he have trouble in places where he needs to stay still and quiet (e.g., church)?
  • Does he resist places where children may be cruel (e.g., the bus, playground)?
  • Does he panic in places that are busy and noisy (e.g., the mall)?
  • Does he shy away from places with strong smells or bright lights?
  • Is there something about any particular place that might be distressing?

Notice reactions to different environments and add these insights to your journal or chart.

4. You can stubbornly insist that your youngster is responsible for his own behavior, but you're liable to be waiting a long time for the behavior changes you want to see. While you may find some behaviors annoying, disruptive, or inappropriate, it may be filling a need for your youngster. And even if your youngster is genuinely unhappy about the negative consequences of his behavior, he may not understand it enough to control it.
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

In the end, it is far easier for YOU to change (e.g., your expectations, actions, reactions, responses, etc.) than for your youngster to change. You will need to do some detective work to determine the support your youngster needs to improve his behavior, and provide it. Ultimately, you can teach your youngster to do this for himself. But you have to lead the way.

5. Take the data from your journal or chart (e.g., patterns you've discovered, observations on environments, etc.) and see if you can figure out what's behind the behavior. For example:
  • Maybe he balks at math when he sees too many problems on the page.
  • Maybe he begs for punishment because going to his room feels safer than dealing with a challenging situation.
  • Maybe he explodes over something inconsequential because he's used up all his patience weathering frustrations earlier in the day.
  • Maybe he gets wound up because “being good” gets him no attention.

Once you have a working theory, make some changes in your youngster's environment to make it easier for him to behave. For example:
  • Give your youngster lots of attention when he's being good - and none at all for bad behavior (other than just a quick and emotionless timeout).
  • If your child’s worksheet has too many problems, fold it to expose only a row at a time, or cut a hole in a piece of paper and use it as a window to show only one or two problems at once.
  • Instead of being happy that your youngster seems to be handling frustrating situations, provide support earlier in the day so that his patience will hold out longer.
  • Recognize situations your child feels challenged by - and offer an alternative between compliance and disobedience.

You may not always guess right the first time, and not every change you try will work. Effective moms and dads will have a big bag of tricks they can keep digging into until they find the one that works that day, that hour, that minute. But analyzing behavior and strategizing solutions will help you feel more in control of your family, and your youngster will feel safer and more secure. This alone often cuts down on a lot of “misbehavior.”

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I feel this article was posted just for me....my 6yr olds behaviour baffles me to no end and need advice
•    Anonymous said… I get so many comments of "you don't discipline your child!" People just don't understand.
•    Anonymous said… I get that from family a lot. I understand my son and use these moments to teach rather than control. It's quite frustrating, but my son is worth more than the peanut gallery and their opinions.!
•    Anonymous said… If anyone isn't happy with the way I handle my child they are welcome to take over the job. Except he's gone now, he's an adult, and he takes care of himself very well.
•    Anonymous said… My family don't understand me (NT) and hubby and daughter (ADHD/AS) for the way they do. "You got problems" as they quoted. Sure we have problems but we get counseling to HELP us move forward, understanding AS. If I didn't understand AS, I would have divorced hubby!
•    Anonymous said… Thank you for sharing this article. Wonderful advice.
•    Anonymous said… This is so true…and the peanut gallery can be overwhelming at times! Pick your battles. Nobody will fully understand unless you live it.
•    Db2TN said... This is a really helpful reminder to stop and evaluate what might be causing a "bad mood". I know most of my son's triggers, but when I am tired or distracted, can forget to do a quick internal check before reacting or trying to help him. There are times, though, when a spell of negativity or irritation can be baffling - just before Christmas break started, he was in that place. I wondered if just the anticipation of Christmas, as well as the upcoming lack of our usual routine was looming large. Turns out he was very nervous about a Dr's appointment which wound up going much better than he expected, and he was just fine after that. So now I need to add that potential to my mental checklist. But thanks for this article, it's such a help to receive new ideas and reminders of things I already know!  Thanks for this reminder to do a mental checklist before responding - or reacting - to a "bad mood". I'm familiar with most of my son's triggers, but a new one popped up recently, and it took getting through the event he was dreading before I realized that's what was causing the issue. New one to add to the list! I appreciate your articles so much - very helpful to get new ideas or be reminded of things already known or experienced!
•    Jacqui said... My three year old hasn't been officially diagnosed as of yet. We are in the loop to get tested. She has seen a couple people so far, and they are both on the fence with her. She may or may not have Asperger's.This is an awesome post. I am still learning her triggers to behavior. Christmas was a huge issue for us. And I had to find ways to tone it down. Slowly I am learning triggers. But it sounds like a life long process.
 
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You've Just Discovered Your Child has an Autism Spectrum Disorder – Now What?!

There is really no other way to begin this journey other than immersing yourself in your youngster's treatment. While it may be painful to say goodbye to the youngster you thought you had (i.e., a “typical” child with “quirks” rather than some “disorder”), you can say hello now to the youngster who needs you just as much - if not more - as you get to know his unique personality and development, and you can fall in love with your newly-diagnosed youngster with high-functioning autism (HFA) or Asperger's (AS) all over again in ways you could have never imagined.

In the beginning, be sure to look at your grief. It doesn't help to pretend to be positive when underneath you may be lonely, afraid or sad. The longing for the typical youngster or a typical existence may endure. You have to learn to live with that yearning.

Take some breaks for yourself. Your child’s treatment is important – but it isn't everything! As you get involved in the autism community, your isolation will lessen. Granted, it is not what you were expecting, but just like your youngster, it can be very rewarding and meaningful.

The initial period of learning about the disorder and all of the necessary therapies and treatments can be isolating. We, as parents, are also often sad at first, or angry that our life with a youngster who has an autism spectrum disorder is different than the one we dreamed of and different than the lives of most of those we see around us. Our ideal world is often very different from the world we actually live in. Still, there are many ways to work towards making your life more of how you want it to be.

Depending upon the functioning level of your youngster, there are many parent groups to join, special sports teams to coach, and class activities that you can be a part of. Sometime the issue reflects difficulty in accepting who your youngster is with his specific challenges and abilities. It may not feel normal or coincide with the dream you had for how your life would turn out.

As you begin to get more involved in the autism community, there will be more activity and company of others. This involvement often helps to make moms and dads feel more normal as it ironically provides more chances for typical activity and interaction with others. Over time, life and ideals change, and you will begin to dream new dreams for your real world.



It seems we always want the ones we love the most to understand us …our feelings, our life choices, our kids. Sometimes this is way more difficult than we would wish. Keep in mind that you are the expert on your youngster, and you know the best ways to deal with him. The truth is, if you are doing the best you can, you really don't have to prove anything to other family members or to anybody else.

In time, other family members will develop their own relationship with your "special needs" child and will hopefully follow your lead on some of the important learning and relationship issues. If you find that other family members and friends are negative around your child, or act in ways that negate his growth or self-esteem, then you may want to limit their interaction while you gently model more helpful ways to deal with your child and continue to share new or interesting articles/information on HFA or AS. This heartfelt process often takes longer than we think it should – steady persistence is paramount.

Note: Acceptance-levels vary among parents. When their child is recently diagnosed, some parents come to acceptance almost immediately -- and even feel a sense of relief that there is a name for what has been going on. Other parents need more time to arrive at acceptance, and that's O.K. Then there are a few parents who seem to never accept the fact that their child has special needs and struggle with the diagnosis for a life-time.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


Comments:

•    Anonymous said... Well said. We were in the first group. Our first son is "neurotypical" and second has Asperger's. It's been a challenge @ times, but often times, they bring out the best in all of us. I wouldn't change it for the world!
•    Anonymous said... my son is 6yr and he has aspergers and adhd. his two brother (one older and one younger) dont understand really. but its fine. i wouldnt want it any other way. seeing what he has been thru gives me strength for my goals to go back to school.
•    Anonymous said... I actually felt relief when I recently got my 14 yr old daughters diagnosis .... It was my moment of of saying I was right all along
•    Anonymous said...I also had a "whew!" moment because I was convinced her issues stemmed from lack of parenting ability. I tried so many different things and she just didn't respond normally at all. when we got the diagnosis it all made sense, even if it didn't change her behavior, it changed the way we interpreted it and that has made so much difference.
•    Anonymous said... No grief here,well,not much that is.Always knew she was very special even before birth.It is however a very big job.Holidays are not much fun as she is very anxious.
•    Anonymous said... It has been just over a year since diagnosis. It took awhile to accept and I am not sure that I have truly accepted it. There are days that are difficult but there are also days where I things run smoothly. D is such an amazing boy with talents and skills that mesmerize me all the time. He sees things differently and he challenges me all the time. But , he is a gift my gift
•    Anonymous said... My 19 year old daughter went undiagnosed her whole life, until a doctor mentioned that there was a high possibility that she had Asperger's. I was really confused and denied that she was handicapped. But surprisingly, my daughter went and researched everything about the disorder, and she seemed to finally be at peace with her past troubles and trauma in public school (she was bullied). She found some clarity as to why she was so different back then and now. So if she accepts it, I'm learning to accept it too. I love my children no matter what happens and will always support them 100%, even if one of them needs a little more assistance in life.
•    Anonymous said... I have just had the diagnosis this week so a bit unsure what happens now. Would appreciate any guidance and also my child is 7 do things get more challenging or stay the same.
•    Karla Velazquez said... I have half a year with the knowledge that the school psephologist diagnosed my son with the aspergers syndrome, but now what he is in special needs class but that does not really help at home I dont know how to work with him properly and I am dont have any resources here. What do I do next to get help? I have 6 months now with the diagnoses that my 6 year old has aspergers according to the school physiologist but I dont know what the next step is. He is in a special needs class but that does not change the behavior at home I dont know what the next step is if any one can help

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The Functional Analytic Approach to Behavior Modification for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

A “functional analytic approach” to developing effective behavioral modification in children and teens with ASD utilizes a process known as “functional behavioral assessment.” 
 
Functional behavioral assessment involves employing a variety of strategies (e.g., child-centered planning, treatment team meetings, systematic interviews, direct observations, etc.) to formulate hypotheses about why a child behaves the way she does.

In order to accomplish a functional behavioral assessment, several assumptions about behavior must be regarded as valid:

• Behavior has communicative value. Though it is generally accepted that all behavior has communicative value, it is important to remember that children with ASD generally do not have a behavioral intent to disrupt classroom settings, but instead problematic behaviors may arise from other needs (e.g., self-protection in stressful situations). Although children with the disorder typically have excellent language skills, their ability to use communication effectively in a social context may be limited. Inappropriate behavior may be the only available communicative response to difficult situations until other options are learned.

• Behavior is context related. All children demonstrate some level of variability in behavior across different settings. This is just as true for children on the autism spectrum. In fact, understanding how the environment impacts a child is one of the chief outcomes of a functional behavioral assessment. This information has particular value for preventive methods or to set the stage for teaching alternative skills. Effective behavioral support is contingent on understanding the child, the context in which he operates, and the reason(s) for behavior.

• Behavior is functional. Behavior serves a specific purpose(s). For children with the disorder, these functions may be expressed in highly idiosyncratic and often complex verbal ways.

Though there is some disagreement about the best way to conduct a comprehensive functional behavioral assessment, most clinicians are in agreement about the key outcomes of such an assessment. They are:
  • identification of the consequences that maintain behavior (i.e., once a behavior starts, what keeps it going over time?)
  • description of situations most commonly associated with the occurrence of problematic behavior
  • clear and unambiguous description of the problematic behavior(s)

A functional behavioral assessment should provide information that:
  • guides the development of supports that are logically connected
  • increases understanding of the child
  • describes the physical and social setting(s) in which the behavior occurs
  • describes the problem behavior itself

Once an understanding of problem behaviors is achieved, it is helpful to come up with a behavioral modification plan. A good behavioral modification plan includes focus on:
  • expanding beyond consequence strategies (e.g., time outs)
  • preventing the occurrence of problem behavior
  • teaching socially acceptable alternatives to problem behavior (especially alternatives that serve the same purpose as the problem behavior and therefore are more likely to be adopted by the child)



Next, the clinician should use a comprehensive format for outlining multi-component supports that addresses the following:
  1. Antecedent/setting event strategies
  2. Alternative skills training
  3. Consequence strategies
  4. Long-term prevention

Let’s look at each of these areas:

1. Antecedent/setting event strategy: The primary goals of this strategy are to prevent or reduce the likelihood of problem behavior and to set the stage for learning more adaptive skills over time. For example, many children on the spectrum have difficulty with noisy, crowded environments. Therefore, the newly arrived middle school student who becomes physically aggressive in the hallway during passing periods may need an accommodation of leaving class a minute or two early to avoid the congestion which provokes this behavior. Over time, the student may learn to negotiate the hallways simply by being more accustomed to the situation, or by being given specific instruction or support.

Key issues to address when discussing this strategy are:
  • What can be done to eliminate the problem (i.e., the antecedent condition)?
  • What can be done to modify the situation if it can’t be eliminated entirely?
  • Will the antecedent strategy need to be permanent, or is it a temporary "fix" which allows the student to increase skills needed to manage the situation in the future?

The importance of using antecedent strategies should not be underestimated. Kids on the spectrum often have to manage a great amount of personal stress. Striking a balance of short and long term accommodations through manipulating antecedents to problem behavior is often critical in setting the stage for later skill development.

2. Alternative Skills Training: The primary purpose of this strategy is to teach skills that replace problem behavior by serving the same purpose as the challenging behavior. For example, a student with the disorder may have trouble "entering" into a kickball game by asking to play and instead simply inserts himself into the game, thereby offending the other players and risking exclusion. Instead, the youngster can be coached on how and when to ask to enter into the game.

Here is a particularly useful framework for guiding efforts towards teaching alternative skills by examining the following three categories:

A. Equivalence training
B. General skills training
C. Self-regulation training

A. Equivalence training requires support persons to ask the following sequential questions:
  • How will alternative skills be taught?
  • What alternative skill(s) will be taught which serves the same function as the problem behavior?
  • What is the function of the problem behavior?

B. General “skills training” requires asking the following sequential questions:
  • How will alternative skills be taught?
  • What other academic, social, or communication skills will be taught that will prevent the problem behavior from occurring?
  • What skill deficits are contributing to the problem behavior?

C. Self-regulation training requires asking the following sequential questions:
  • How will skills be taught?
  • What events appear to be contributing to the child's anger or frustration in reference to the problem behavior?
  • What self-control skills will be taught to help the child deal with difficult/frustrating situations?

One particularly relevant means to teach alternative skills is through the use of self-management strategies. Self-management is a procedure in which autistic children are taught to discriminate their own target behavior and record the occurrence or absence of that target behavior. Self-management is a particularly useful technique to assist children to achieve greater levels of independent or even inter-dependent functioning across many settings and situations.

By learning self-management techniques, children can become more self-directed and less dependent on continuous supervision and control. Instead of teaching situation specific behaviors, self-management teaches a more general skill that can be applied in an unlimited number of settings.

Self-management strategies have particular relevance and immediate utility for children on the autism spectrum. The basic steps for teaching self-management are:
  • clearly define the target behavior
  • identify child reinforcers
  • design or choose a self-management method or recording device
  • teach the child to use the self-management device
  • teach self-management independence

It is also important for teachers to monitor their own behavior when working with "special needs" students. Each time a teacher reprimands a child for misbehavior, an opportunity to reframe the moment in terms of the child's need to develop alternative skills through a means such as self-management training may be lost.

3. Consequence strategies: Though consequences have traditionally been framed in terms of how they reduce problem behavior as a form of discipline, reframing consequences in terms of “reinforcement for achieving alternative behaviors” should be the focus for ASD kids. One way to reframe the use of consequences is to develop them as “planned responses to instructional situations.” This shifting of the use of consequences does not mean that negative consequences should be eliminated (especially in moments of crisis), but that multiple negative consequences are likely to heighten anxiety levels for the child and compete with teaching alternative skills.

4. Long-term prevention: In the presence of immediate behavioral concerns, it may be difficult to come up with a long-term approach to a child's educational program. However, it is critical that plans for supporting a child over the long-term be outlined from the beginning. Many supports with the most relevance for kids on the spectrum (e.g., specific accommodations, peer supports, social skills, self-management strategies, etc.) must be viewed as procedures that are developed progressively as the youngster moves through school. These are not “crisis management” techniques, but the very strategies that can decrease crisis situations from developing.

Those involved with the child will need to collaborate on a behavioral modification plan that is clear and easily implemented. Once developed, the plan will need to be monitored across settings. Inconsistencies in expectations and behaviors will only serve to heighten the challenges demonstrated by the child.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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