Helping Kids on the Spectrum with Transitions: Moving to a New Home

The logistics of a move can - and will - influence your Aspergers or high functioning autistic (HFA) child's adjustment. For many "neurotypical" (i.e., non-autistic) kids, moving can be a positive experience, as it brings the opportunity to develop new friendships, pursue new interests, increase social confidence, and learn important lessons about adapting to change.

However, as parents of Aspergers and HFA children know, “change” is extremely difficult for them. Transitions of any kind, especially those that are unpredictable, are unsettling and can cause the youngster to become totally undone.

Knowing how to support your youngster through change in order to make a successful transition is crucial. Helping with transitions is especially important during childhood “life event” changes (e.g., attending a new school, death in the family, divorce, going to college, moving, etc.).

Here are some tips to help transition your child to a new home:

1. Access religious and community organizations. They can provide a ready structure of activities, contacts, and resources for the whole family. If the family was involved with similar groups before, participating in such activities in the new location can increase feelings of familiarity.

2. Adolescents with Aspergers and HFA will be able to understand the nuances of the decision to move, but may be resistant to change. At a time when they are establishing important relationships outside of the family, they may feel the move threatens their evolving identity. The move can be disruptive to the stability they have already established with a core group of friends or with an athletic or academic path they are pursuing.

3. Allow your youngster to accompany you when viewing potential new homes. Encourage him to ask questions of the Realtor related to areas of interest or importance for him. This will help quell his anxieties, and you may be surprised to hear him ask questions you hadn't thought to ask yourself.

4. Be patient, some kids on the autism spectrum will dive in, develop a support network of friends, and become involved with school and activities without missing a beat. Others may need more time and help to feel acclimated and at ease. Providing your youngster with new experiences in new places will help him in the future when he makes decisions for himself about where to live.

5. During a walk-through of a potential home, give your youngster the chance to speculate with you about room designations, potential location of furniture, changes in décor, etc.

6. For young kids on the spectrum, put their furniture on the moving van last so that it is first to unload. This will help orient them quickly to the new surroundings.

7. Upon arrival to the new home, try to get the youngster’s room in order before the rest of the house.

8. Have your child pack a bag of essential, favorite, "can't live without" things to keep with them at all times.

9. If possible, have your child invite a friend from his old neighborhood for a visit. This can help the youngster make decisions about what is new and fun, and also helps him get a much-needed dose of validation from an old friend.

10. If you are building a new home, it will be beneficial to you and your youngster to document the building process with your child manning the camera.

11. It can be tempting to literally "clean house" and discard old toys and unused articles. But this should be done gingerly. The loss of material things will most likely overwhelm some Aspergers kids. Better to help them sort out the bulk of their things once they've moved in when they can feel more in control of their new environment.

12. Know that your youngster may experience resistance, denial, and emotional upset when you break the news of the move to another house. Be wary of your youngster's potential to dip into a depressed state at this time as well.

13. Moving day will be very emotional for you all, but maintaining a positive attitude about a new beginning and a fresh start will be of great value.

14. Once the initial shock and heartbreak of the news subsides, share with your youngster thoughts about all the impending unknowns that face you and your family.

15. Once you've narrowed your choices of location to a select few, plan to document the final decision-making visits by taking photos or videos. Not only will this be an aid to your youngster, it will be as equally helpful to you as well in recalling certain details.

16. Partner with your youngster in as many facets of the moving process as possible.

17. Preschoolers with Aspergers and HFA are not able to understand the meaning of the move or complex explanations. They are affected more by the reactions and availability of their parents. Little children do best when things are predictable, so keeping to a routine with familiar things and people eases the transition for them. Avoid making other changes at the same time as the move (e.g., toilet training, transfer to a new bed, etc.) so as not to overwhelm and confuse a young Aspie.

18. Scheduling some trips away from the new home may actually help establish the new base. It becomes the place to "come home to" and enhances the sense of a familiar place.

19. School-age kids on the autism spectrum are likely to be concerned about fitting in with new friends and dealing with different academic demands. Their general personality and social style may influence their ease in adjustment. They may also be better able to tolerate the “new kid jitters” if a brother or sister will be at the same school.

20. Some Aspergers and HFA kids will actually thrive in the new environment depending on the circumstances of the move, an accepting peer group, and a supportive mentoring adult network.

21. Stay in contact with the school and other areas in which your youngster is involved to monitor his progress in making the transition. Kids who are still sullen or angry at the parents about the move at home may have anger management issues at school as well.

22. The Internet and cell phone text messaging are a mixed blessing for kids who have recently moved. Contact with old friends helps a youngster stay connected to a support system and provides an outlet for talking about the new home and experiences. But, when a youngster spends long periods of time chatting with friends "back home," it can decrease the motivation to become involved with the new community and interfere with the adjustment to new friends.

23. Timing the move is important. Moms and dads should carefully consider their options. Certain moves may be inevitable (e.g., when a parent loses a job, when finances are strained, etc.) or impossible to predict (e.g., when a parent dies). But when circumstances allow for flexibility, it is often better to postpone or avoid a move at certain transitional times (e.g., when the Aspergers adolescent is a junior in high school, immediately following a divorce, etc.). When timing is not ideal, options may be possible to ease the strain (e.g., having a high school student remain in town with a friend or relative to finish out the year).

24. When moms and dads are sensitive to the impact of moving on their "special needs" youngster, they can make moving a positive experience, enhancing the child's emotional growth, adaptability, self-confidence and social skills.

25. If your youngster is the oldest sibling, let him assist you in breaking the news to younger siblings, cousins, neighbors, or other family members. This type of “grown-up” responsibility can empower him to shift his perspective of the move to a more selfless position. Think of some of the other responsibilities you can share with your youngster to make the move more palatable and less threatening. Some of the things he or she can do include:

• Begin to inventory household and personal belongings
• Determine data involving the geographic location of the move, mileage to and from the destination, and other pertinent logistics
• Fill out change-of-address cards
• Help arrange showings of your current home
• Help you to schedule dates and times to meet with Realtors to view prospective homes
• Identify all utility companies that require notification of the move
• Plan a garage sale or designate items for drop-off donation
• Scan the Internet to locate Realtors, new home listings, and other related information
• Start to prioritize packing and labeling moving boxes

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Mourning the Loss of a Loved One: Helping Children on the Spectrum through the Grieving Process

As a parent, consider the range of emotions you have experienced after the loss of a loved one (e.g., grief, guilt, shock, loneliness, compassion, etc.), and think of how that might reflect in your ASD or high-functioning autistic (HFA) youngster during his first loss. 

The difference may be that while you outwardly show a variety of feelings associated with loss, you may not see similar emotions in your "special needs" youngster.

Just like you, comprehending the loss of a loved one – even a beloved pet – may take time for your youngster to completely process. Just because he doesn’t grieve in “typical” ways (e.g., openly sobbing, wanting to be with family members, talking to close friends, etc.) doesn't mean he is emotionless or unaffected. In fact, the opposite could be true.

Tips for helping HFA children through the grieving process:

1. An HFA youngster's capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it — will vary according to the youngster's age.

2. As children mature into teenagers, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do. As your HFA teenager's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. These young people also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teenager who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. They also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their friends died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

3. Children from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, children this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.

4. Don't be quick to scold if your youngster's emotions seem inappropriate (e.g., laughing during a solemn discussion). He may be on the verge of meltdown and is distracting himself by playing a mind movie.

5. Don't be surprised if your youngster reports that he has seen, talked with, smelled, or otherwise interacted with the loved one who has recently passed. Remember that your youngster may be very sensitive to many things, seen and unseen. Instead, validate what your youngster tells you by listening carefully, requesting further information, asking clarifying questions, and providing assurances.

6. Don't get angry if your youngster catches you off-guard with seemingly insensitive questions (e.g., about the mechanics of embalming, cremation, burial, body decomposition, etc.). These are honest inquiries designed to contribute to your youngster's understanding and comfort level.

7. Encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel.

8. Follow your youngster's lead. It’s not helpful to exclude him from participating in any of the subsequent formalities (i.e., the funeral or other rituals) if he expresses a desire to attend.

9. If possible, assign your youngster a responsibility. This may help him to maintain focus during what may be a chaotic and upsetting time (especially helpful for preteens and teens).

10. If you need help, many resources — from books to counselors to community organizations — can provide guidance. Your efforts will go a long way in helping your youngster get through this difficult time — and through the inevitable losses and tough times that come later in life.

11. If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your "special needs" youngster during this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for - and focus on - your youngster during the funeral service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your youngster needs to go.

12. Many moms and dads worry about letting their children witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't! Allowing your youngster to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make children more comfortable sharing their feelings. But, it's also important to convey that - no matter how sad you may feel - you'll still be able to care for your family and make your youngster feel safe.

13. Moms and dads can't always shield children from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

14. Remember that the questions you get may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, children might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

15. Remember that honesty is the best policy. You may be pressured by well-meaning friends or relatives to offer some alternate explanation for the loss of a loved one (e.g., “Grandpa is resting in the ground now”). At some point, your sugar-coated explanation may be exposed, and the cover-up (despite your good intentions) might upset the trust between you and your youngster.

16. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process.

17. Until children are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

18. Watch for any signs that children need help coping with a loss. If a youngster's behavior changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing youngster becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — then be sure to seek help.

19. What do you tell an HFA youngster about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.

20. Younger children often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it is final and they won't come back. So, even after you've explained this, children may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back. 

Note: The child who is having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

• acting much younger than his age for an extended period of time
• an extended period of depression in which the youngster loses interest in daily activities and events
• excessively imitating the dead person
• inability to sleep
• loss of appetite
• prolonged fear of being alone
• refusal to attend school
• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
• sharp drop in school performance
• withdrawal from friends

If these signs persist, professional help may be needed. A qualified mental health professional can help the youngster accept the death and assist the others in helping him or her through the mourning process.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism 

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I had to handle this with my son through the loss if two grand fathers and a dog all in two years. It was traumatic for him but he has handled himself well. I agree with all the suggestions. For my son, I had him pick a few special pictures to have in his room, had him help put together scrapbooks for him so he can revisit them whenever he feels the need. And we are a family that talks about of feelings so we talk about all of them often but happy and sad times.
•    Anonymous said... pretty much be honest with them and let them ask questions in a safe loving environment. My son was there they whole time my Dad was sick and dying. I think it helped that he knew what was happening and that Papa was not in pain and loved greatly. I never pushed him to do anything he didn't want to do. He did, however, disappear at the funeral. I got SO scared but found him hiding behind a couch-the noise/people were just too much for him (he also had sensory processing disorder). We still talk about Papa often and how he misses him. But I assure him that he is watching over us and hopefully one day we will all be together. Let them know their feelings are normal and they can talk about things anytime.
•    Anonymous said... This looks to be a marvelous opportunity for all family members involved. Fortunately, I am very interested in the many complexities of the psychy and it's challenges to those diagnosed with any mental "dis-eases" causing various stresses and difficulties growing up & continuing on through adulthood, if this is the case (and usually is). I only wish I were closer to my grandson, so I could be there in the moments, and not just be "out there somewhere"! He is growing up so fast, and I'm not even a part of his life. It all makes me want to cry. I am going to follow this group and try to learn as much as I can, hoping in the process, I can seriously reach out to him. I really have to get a handle on this issue and the part I want to play, literally/emotionally, in his life from now on.

Please post your comment below…

Helping Teens on the Autism Spectrum to Transition to College

A major life challenge for young people with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) is attending college after high school graduation. Here are some crucial guidelines to follow as you help your "special needs" teen transition to college:

1. If your youngster's diagnosis has been identified and supported in your school district, a transition plan to support him from graduation to higher education should be implemented by age fourteen with specific resources and contacts identified.

2. Some high schools partner with local colleges to offer higher-education opportunities while the teenager is still attending high school. Inquire about such opportunities well in advance of your teen’s senior year of high school since there may be a waiting list, limited availability, or sign-up procedures.

3. Hopefully at some point in your youngster's school career, a guidance counselor completed an inventory of his aptitudes (i.e., strengths and talents). The results of such an assessment can provide a valuable starting point in weighing future educational paths for your youngster to pursue.

4. Your youngster's school should be able to assist you in matching your youngster's strengths and skills with schools known for their expertise in those select areas (e.g., the college with a strong science program, the university known for its music department, etc.). Literature and other resources can be obtained with the support of your youngster's guidance counselor or other staff. 

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

5. Just prior to graduating high school, encourage your youngster to make an appointment to meet with the guidance counselor to gather information and tips on filling out applications. If your youngster procrastinates, set deadlines by which you expect him to follow through. (Note: His apprehension and resultant procrastination may be misinterpreted as laziness or lack of motivation.)

6. At some point prior to starting college, your child will have to deal with the difficult distinction between “What I want to take with me” vs. “What I have room for and what the college will allow in a dorm.” Usually the two are very different. Advise your child that dormitories are usually tiny, cramped spaces – and he will have to share it with at least one other person.

7. Be sure that your child’s medications are up-to-date. It’s a good idea to have her get a physical just to make sure that everything is working well and that there are no physical limitations that have to be addressed.

8. Be sure to run through the basics of car maintenance at some point. Show how to check the air pressure in the tires, the oil level, the radiator fluid level, etc. Point out the dial or icon on the dashboard that shows whether the car is about to overheat, and discuss what the child should do if that indicator moves toward the dangerous zone. Also, review how to deal with a flat tire (e.g., change it, use a fix-a-flat product, call AAA, etc.).

9. Ensure that you are maintaining the literature, directions, contacts and references, and campus maps as organized as possible. Keep notes cataloged well - and in writing. Carefully photograph or videotape everything, marked clearly, to review as often as needed in order to make a final decision or just familiarize your youngster with the surroundings.

10. If your teenager will be using a credit or debit card, get that established before leaving for college. Be adamant that she is not to sign up for a new credit card. Also, explain how to balance a checkbook and how that must be done each month in order to avoid overdrawing her account and racking up fees for bad checks. Let her know that you are not going to foot the bill for bank fees that she could have avoided.

11. Make sure that all vaccinations are updated — measles, mumps and rubella vaccines should have been given at one and five years of age for entrance into all public schools.

12. Also, make sure that your child has had the hepatitis B vaccine, as well as Menactra — a newer vaccine for meningitis that is specific to the strain that appears to haunt the halls of college dormitories.

13. Make sure that your child has a cell phone with an updated calling plan. Be sure to check to see if it works well on the road to and from school as well as at the college — in the dorm room and on the walkways between classes. Decide whether it would be best for the cell phone’s home area to be based in your hometown, or whether it should be purchased at school, depending upon what would be more convenient for the student. Also discuss what you expect in terms of calls home per week, minutes to be used on a monthly basis or whether e-mail will be the primary communication device.

14. Many teens on the autism spectrum have fears about not being able to fit in, making friends, leaving old friends, and how they’ll fare without parents to talk to on a daily basis. Some teens, of course, are raring to go and won’t give it a second thought, but many fresh high school graduates are fearful of the unknown. Some may even be depressed about leaving home or their old friends. Consider engaging in counseling if you and your teenager can’t figure out the feelings and resolve them. A good counselor can let you know what will help your teenager to feel more comfortable with the move. Thinking and talking about fears and concerns ahead of time will make the transition much more successful and pleasant.

15. Parents should frame this time as a maturing “rite of passage” and not something to be filled with dread.

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

16. Set a budget. Unless you’ve had an older child recently in residence at the same college by which to gauge expenses, you’ll do a lot of guessing at first. A good place to start is to purchase the school’s meal plan. Also, consider funds needed for books, fees, video nights, shooting pool at the student union, etc. Then, depending upon your child’s responsibility level and nature, decide whether she can handle being given the entire spending money for the semester at one time, or whether it should be deposited into her account on a monthly or weekly basis.

17. Take into account the location of classes and the time allotted between classes, in addition to the distance from your youngster's residence (or the parking lot, if commuting) to classes. Some students with Aspergers and HFA find it physically depleting to spend a lot of time walking long distances, especially in inclement weather. On the other hand, if your youngster has too much time between classes, it can be socially awkward to find ways to fill such downtime, especially if he is a commuter.

18. The "special needs" student would do well to develop a checklist that includes not only “academic milestones desired” but social objectives as well (e.g., joining a student organization, attending an athletic event, participating in other on-campus social events, etc.).

19. Many colleges offer support programs to students on the spectrum. On-site coordinators meet weekly with identified students. Upon admission, any such student meets with a coordinator to whom he is assigned and completes a participant agreement that defines the obligation of the support program as well as expectations of the student's participation in the program. By signing a participant agreement, the student gives permission for a release of information so that test scores, grades, and other assessments are shared with his coordinator. This allows the coordinator to access student grades and provide feedback early on in each semester so that any action needed to improve grades can be planned well in advance of failing a course.

20. Another aid provided to students with Aspergers and HFA by some college support programs is a study schedule that is filled out by each student and visually maps how to get organized, use time wisely, and plan when and where to devote time to studying. A calendar, maintained by both the coordinator and the student, records test dates and assignment and project due dates. When the Aspergers student comes in to meet with his coordinator, the coordinator can, at a glance, get a sense of where the student should be in his class management and can ask how he is progressing.

21. Yet another aid provided to these special needs students by some college support programs is a learning style inventory, which is a simple, easy-to-read questionnaire that helps the student’s coordinator to determine the type of learning style unique to each student (e.g., visual learner, auditory learner, kinesthetic learner, someone who learns best through moving and doing, etc.). Supporting the student to identify his learning style and adapt study habits to some helpful techniques is another of the coordinator's responsibilities. This may, in turn, lead to accommodations necessary to achieve success in certain classes (e.g., a professor's flexibility in how graded notebooks are submitted if the student reinforces certain concepts with illustrations).

22. Determining the type and degree of available support may be a decision-making factor in your youngster's college selection. Making a connection with someone who will function as an ally is crucial to your youngster's ability to assimilate successfully. But college is also about broadening one's social contacts as well. An ally may be gained informally, or the relationship may be prearranged through a student mentorship program on campus. Most forward-thinking, progressive universities have programs established to aid students with disabilities, but finding those that have expertise in the subtleties of autism spectrum disorder may prove challenging.

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

23. Discuss your expectations with your child. The following issues should be covered:

• Underage drinking is an all-too-common and socially acceptable college practice, but underage drinking is illegal, stupid, and can quickly get out of hand. A frank discussion of substance use will probably meet with eye-rolling, but it can’t hurt to delve, again, into that area.
• Lots of freshmen register for 12 or 15 hours but drop to six or nine by the end of the semester. The expectation of the minimum number of credits completed per semester is an issue that should be addressed and agreed upon by both the parents and the student before the semester begins so that there are no ambiguities. Statistically, more college students take four and one-half to five years to complete their studies than the traditional four-year program — partly due to legitimate changes in the major area of study, but also due to too many wasted semesters when only six or nine hours of course work were actually completed.
• What are your expectations about going to class and not lazing around the dorm room, sleeping in and hoping to catch the information from the roommate’s notes or via video classes?
• What grade point average needs to be maintained before the new student matures at the community college for a few semesters or years until he’s ready to venture out again? Keep in mind that community colleges offer excellent educations and are usually less expensive. In addition, parents can offer more guidance and supervision if the teen is not ready to “do it on their own.”
• What should the student do if he or she finds that they are in over their head — either academically (grade or credit problems), socially (too many friends or parties), or emotionally (homesick, not enough friends, lonely)? The college counseling center is usually an excellent resource if the college student doesn’t feel comfortable talking to parents about these issues.

24. In partnership with your youngster, explore all that “going off to college” can mean, including:

• Attending a branch campus before relocating to the main campus
• Attending college in another part of your current state (living on campus)
• Attending college in another state (living on campus)
• Considering how to transfer schools (and credits) if things aren't working out, or as part of a plan
• Starting out slowly by living at home but commuting to a local college
• Starting out slowly by taking fewer classes (on campus or living at home)
• Taking classes online over the Internet
• Taking correspondence courses
• Working part-time and attending night classes (on campus or living at home)

25. By following these guidelines, you and your teen will be better prepared for a pleasant and successful college experience. This should be one of the most exciting, challenging, and stimulating times of his life. By avoiding problems such as poor grades, financial disasters or emotional meltdowns, your young adult will have a much greater chance of success in this new life chapter.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Helping Children on the Autism Spectrum Through Divorce

Your very sensitive youngster with Aspergers (AS) or high functioning autism (HFA) will probably sense marital discord long before you do – even if you believe you've been very secretive about it. He may internalize what is occurring around him and assume personal responsibility for it. It is a very disturbing time for child with special needs, and the internal personalization of the situation cannot be contained indefinitely.

In the AS or HFA youngster, this can manifest itself in:

• Depressive symptoms
• Heightened anxiety
• Increase in “acting out” or other “attention-seeking” behaviors
• Increased difficulty in school
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Rashes and other skin irritations
• Regular symptoms of physical illness

Maintaining peace wherever possible and providing reassurances as the divorce unfolds are important considerations for helping AS children through divorce.

Here are 20 crucial tips for helping your child with the transition from a traditional two-parent family to a single-parent family:

1. All kids will require constant reassurances during a time in which uncertainty about the future reigns. This will be especially true of the youngster with AS or HFA, and as you've probably learned, verbal reassurances are not enough.

2. Ask your child about friends of his whose parents are divorced. This is a good way to learn of his fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear-up any misconceptions and remind him that other kids have gone through what he is now going through.

3. Kids on the autism spectrum tend to have many questions, feelings, assumptions and concerns about divorce. Many moms and dads find it difficult to just sit quietly and listen to their kids talk without trying to interrupt with a "fix-it" statement. Your AS child needs to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.

4. Be clear in communicating that the divorce is not your youngster's fault and demystify any new environmental changes.

5. Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.

6. Encourage your youngster to write, draw, cartoon storyboard, or use the computer to communicate his feelings and understanding of the situation. “Social stories” about divorce are very helpful as well. Review and fine-tune this information with him regularly and be prepared to follow his lead in opening-up discussion at times you hadn't anticipated it.

7. If you and your spouse are civil with one another, meeting together with your youngster will be an optimal demonstration of solidarity and goodwill. Explain the circumstances as you would to any of your kids. Don't be surprised if your youngster with AS or HFA punctuates your discussion with his own recollections of marital conflicts that stretch back in time — some of which you may have forgotten or of which you failed to realize the full impact.

8. If you, the parent, are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or stuck, then get help. Therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can gain insight, learn problem solving skills and find solutions to dealing with the anger and pain of separation and divorce.

9. It is important to stress and review all the things that will stay the same during this transition in addition to walking through the future changes, and to do so often throughout the process.

10. It is natural for any youngster to feel emotional upheaval in wondering whom to “side” with, especially if one parent “plays” the youngster against the other. Your youngster with AS or HFA is likely to feel emotionally torn – even if you are seeking to escape a harmful or abusive situation.

11. Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from your child.

12. Know that certain sights, sounds, and smells can trigger thoughts that will lead to your youngster's need to verbalize his feelings.

13. Know that most kids are naturally inclined to believe that they are somehow the cause of a divorce. This may be intensified in your youngster with AS or HFA and will be reinforced if he witnessed or overheard conflicts in which he was at the center of an argument.

14. Let your child know that it is normal for him to want his parents to get back together again. Kids can feel ashamed about this very normal wish. You can explain to your youngster that once divorced, it is very unlikely that parents ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation is very normal.

15. Many kids on the autism spectrum hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. They need to know all their feelings are acceptable.

16. Minimize the disruptions your child’s daily routines.

17. Read together and talk about a child’s book on divorce. This will help you explain important facts to your youngster and help him formulate questions he might otherwise not have words for.

18. Reassure your youngster regarding personal safety. Many kids are concerned that, if their parents get a divorce, there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them. Kids living with single mothers may also need reassurance that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, "burglars" or "ghosts".

19. Your youngster may well have to decide where - and with whom - he'd like to live. This can snowball and lead to other social upheavals concerning a new home, new neighborhood, new family members, and a new school. It may also mean leaving behind friends, family, pets, and very familiar environments. Be sensitive to these changes, because children on the spectrum don’t do well with change in general.

20. Your "special needs" youngster will require pictures, words, and stories to help make sense of it all and to foster some measure of safety and comfort.

*** Additional Considerations ***

Breaking the News—

As soon as you're certain of your divorce plans, talk to your child about your decision to live apart. Although there's no easy way to break the news, if possible have both mom and dad present for this conversation. It's important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you're going to manage telling your child so you don't become upset or angry during the talk.

Tell your child that sometimes grown-ups change the way they love each other or can't agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that children and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Family members often don't agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and children don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give your children enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that children don't need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It's enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger children, it's best to keep it simple. You might say something like: "Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don't fight so much, but we both love you very much."

Older children and teenagers may be more in tune with what moms and dads have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they've overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights. 

Handling the Child’s Reactions—

Tell children who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart."

Not all children react right away. Let yours know that is OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they're ready. Some children try to please their moms and dads by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your children express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they'll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change. Be prepared to answer these and other questions:

• Can I still do my favorite activities?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?
• Where will each parent live?
• Where will I go to school?
• Where will we spend holidays such as Thanksgiving?
• Who will I live with?
• Will I have to go to a different school?
• Will I move?
• Will I still get to see my friends?

Being honest is not always easy when you don't have all the answers, or when children are feeling scared or guilty about what's going on. It's always the right thing to do to tell them what they need to know at that moment.

The Importance of Consistency—

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Especially during a divorce, children will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It's natural that you'll be concerned about how a youngster is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your children.

• Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines (e.g., school and social life)?
• Do they seem to be acting differently than usual?
• Is a youngster doing things like regressing to younger behaviors (e.g., thumb-sucking or bedwetting)? 

Behavioral changes are important to watch out for. For example, any new or changing signs of:

• anxiety
• difficulties with appetite
• difficulties with friends
• difficulties with sleep
• moodiness
• sadness
• school problems

All of these can be signs of a problem.

Older children and teenagers may be vulnerable to risky behaviors (e.g., alcohol abuse, drug abuse, skipping school, defiant acts, etc.). Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teenager's well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Adjusting to a New Living Situation—

Because divorce can be such a big change, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually. Several types of living situations should be considered:

• joint custody in which both legal and physical custody are shared
• joint custody where one parent has "tie breaking" authority in certain medical or educational domains
• one parent may have sole custody

Which one is right for your children? That's a tough question and often the one that couples spend most time disagreeing on. Although some children can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" and visiting with the other parent. Some moms and dads choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your youngster's needs should come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to "win." When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what's best for the children. It's important for moms and dads to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the children to choose.

During the preteen years, when children become more involved with activities apart from their moms and dads, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. Ideally, children benefit most from consistent support from both moms and dads, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible.

Your youngster may refuse to share time with you and your ex-spouse equally and may try to take sides. If this occurs, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the importance of the involvement of both moms and dads.

Children sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the non-custodial parent. But this may not reflect that they want to move. Listen to and explore these options if they're brought up. This kind of arrangement can work well in "friendly" divorces, but is not typical of higher-conflict situations.

Changes of any kind are hard — know that you and your children can and will adjust to this one. Finding your inner strength and getting help to learn new coping skills are hard work, but can make a big difference to helping your family get through this difficult time.

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