Mourning the Loss of a Loved One: Helping Children on the Spectrum through the Grieving Process

As a parent, consider the range of emotions you have experienced after the loss of a loved one (e.g., grief, guilt, shock, loneliness, compassion, etc.), and think of how that might reflect in your ASD or high-functioning autistic (HFA) youngster during his first loss. 

The difference may be that while you outwardly show a variety of feelings associated with loss, you may not see similar emotions in your "special needs" youngster.

Just like you, comprehending the loss of a loved one – even a beloved pet – may take time for your youngster to completely process. Just because he doesn’t grieve in “typical” ways (e.g., openly sobbing, wanting to be with family members, talking to close friends, etc.) doesn't mean he is emotionless or unaffected. In fact, the opposite could be true.

Tips for helping HFA children through the grieving process:

1. An HFA youngster's capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it — will vary according to the youngster's age.

2. As children mature into teenagers, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do. As your HFA teenager's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. These young people also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teenager who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. They also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their friends died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

3. Children from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, children this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.

4. Don't be quick to scold if your youngster's emotions seem inappropriate (e.g., laughing during a solemn discussion). He may be on the verge of meltdown and is distracting himself by playing a mind movie.

5. Don't be surprised if your youngster reports that he has seen, talked with, smelled, or otherwise interacted with the loved one who has recently passed. Remember that your youngster may be very sensitive to many things, seen and unseen. Instead, validate what your youngster tells you by listening carefully, requesting further information, asking clarifying questions, and providing assurances.

6. Don't get angry if your youngster catches you off-guard with seemingly insensitive questions (e.g., about the mechanics of embalming, cremation, burial, body decomposition, etc.). These are honest inquiries designed to contribute to your youngster's understanding and comfort level.

7. Encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel.

8. Follow your youngster's lead. It’s not helpful to exclude him from participating in any of the subsequent formalities (i.e., the funeral or other rituals) if he expresses a desire to attend.

9. If possible, assign your youngster a responsibility. This may help him to maintain focus during what may be a chaotic and upsetting time (especially helpful for preteens and teens).

10. If you need help, many resources — from books to counselors to community organizations — can provide guidance. Your efforts will go a long way in helping your youngster get through this difficult time — and through the inevitable losses and tough times that come later in life.

11. If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your "special needs" youngster during this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for - and focus on - your youngster during the funeral service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your youngster needs to go.

12. Many moms and dads worry about letting their children witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't! Allowing your youngster to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make children more comfortable sharing their feelings. But, it's also important to convey that - no matter how sad you may feel - you'll still be able to care for your family and make your youngster feel safe.

13. Moms and dads can't always shield children from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

14. Remember that the questions you get may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, children might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

15. Remember that honesty is the best policy. You may be pressured by well-meaning friends or relatives to offer some alternate explanation for the loss of a loved one (e.g., “Grandpa is resting in the ground now”). At some point, your sugar-coated explanation may be exposed, and the cover-up (despite your good intentions) might upset the trust between you and your youngster.

16. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process.

17. Until children are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

18. Watch for any signs that children need help coping with a loss. If a youngster's behavior changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing youngster becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — then be sure to seek help.

19. What do you tell an HFA youngster about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.

20. Younger children often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it is final and they won't come back. So, even after you've explained this, children may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back. 

Note: The child who is having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

• acting much younger than his age for an extended period of time
• an extended period of depression in which the youngster loses interest in daily activities and events
• excessively imitating the dead person
• inability to sleep
• loss of appetite
• prolonged fear of being alone
• refusal to attend school
• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
• sharp drop in school performance
• withdrawal from friends

If these signs persist, professional help may be needed. A qualified mental health professional can help the youngster accept the death and assist the others in helping him or her through the mourning process.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism 

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I had to handle this with my son through the loss if two grand fathers and a dog all in two years. It was traumatic for him but he has handled himself well. I agree with all the suggestions. For my son, I had him pick a few special pictures to have in his room, had him help put together scrapbooks for him so he can revisit them whenever he feels the need. And we are a family that talks about of feelings so we talk about all of them often but happy and sad times.
•    Anonymous said... pretty much be honest with them and let them ask questions in a safe loving environment. My son was there they whole time my Dad was sick and dying. I think it helped that he knew what was happening and that Papa was not in pain and loved greatly. I never pushed him to do anything he didn't want to do. He did, however, disappear at the funeral. I got SO scared but found him hiding behind a couch-the noise/people were just too much for him (he also had sensory processing disorder). We still talk about Papa often and how he misses him. But I assure him that he is watching over us and hopefully one day we will all be together. Let them know their feelings are normal and they can talk about things anytime.
•    Anonymous said... This looks to be a marvelous opportunity for all family members involved. Fortunately, I am very interested in the many complexities of the psychy and it's challenges to those diagnosed with any mental "dis-eases" causing various stresses and difficulties growing up & continuing on through adulthood, if this is the case (and usually is). I only wish I were closer to my grandson, so I could be there in the moments, and not just be "out there somewhere"! He is growing up so fast, and I'm not even a part of his life. It all makes me want to cry. I am going to follow this group and try to learn as much as I can, hoping in the process, I can seriously reach out to him. I really have to get a handle on this issue and the part I want to play, literally/emotionally, in his life from now on.

Please post your comment below…

Helping Teens on the Autism Spectrum to Transition to College

A major life challenge for young people with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) is attending college after high school graduation. Here are some crucial guidelines to follow as you help your "special needs" teen transition to college:

1. If your youngster's diagnosis has been identified and supported in your school district, a transition plan to support him from graduation to higher education should be implemented by age fourteen with specific resources and contacts identified.

2. Some high schools partner with local colleges to offer higher-education opportunities while the teenager is still attending high school. Inquire about such opportunities well in advance of your teen’s senior year of high school since there may be a waiting list, limited availability, or sign-up procedures.

3. Hopefully at some point in your youngster's school career, a guidance counselor completed an inventory of his aptitudes (i.e., strengths and talents). The results of such an assessment can provide a valuable starting point in weighing future educational paths for your youngster to pursue.

4. Your youngster's school should be able to assist you in matching your youngster's strengths and skills with schools known for their expertise in those select areas (e.g., the college with a strong science program, the university known for its music department, etc.). Literature and other resources can be obtained with the support of your youngster's guidance counselor or other staff. 

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

5. Just prior to graduating high school, encourage your youngster to make an appointment to meet with the guidance counselor to gather information and tips on filling out applications. If your youngster procrastinates, set deadlines by which you expect him to follow through. (Note: His apprehension and resultant procrastination may be misinterpreted as laziness or lack of motivation.)

6. At some point prior to starting college, your child will have to deal with the difficult distinction between “What I want to take with me” vs. “What I have room for and what the college will allow in a dorm.” Usually the two are very different. Advise your child that dormitories are usually tiny, cramped spaces – and he will have to share it with at least one other person.

7. Be sure that your child’s medications are up-to-date. It’s a good idea to have her get a physical just to make sure that everything is working well and that there are no physical limitations that have to be addressed.

8. Be sure to run through the basics of car maintenance at some point. Show how to check the air pressure in the tires, the oil level, the radiator fluid level, etc. Point out the dial or icon on the dashboard that shows whether the car is about to overheat, and discuss what the child should do if that indicator moves toward the dangerous zone. Also, review how to deal with a flat tire (e.g., change it, use a fix-a-flat product, call AAA, etc.).

9. Ensure that you are maintaining the literature, directions, contacts and references, and campus maps as organized as possible. Keep notes cataloged well - and in writing. Carefully photograph or videotape everything, marked clearly, to review as often as needed in order to make a final decision or just familiarize your youngster with the surroundings.

10. If your teenager will be using a credit or debit card, get that established before leaving for college. Be adamant that she is not to sign up for a new credit card. Also, explain how to balance a checkbook and how that must be done each month in order to avoid overdrawing her account and racking up fees for bad checks. Let her know that you are not going to foot the bill for bank fees that she could have avoided.

11. Make sure that all vaccinations are updated — measles, mumps and rubella vaccines should have been given at one and five years of age for entrance into all public schools.

12. Also, make sure that your child has had the hepatitis B vaccine, as well as Menactra — a newer vaccine for meningitis that is specific to the strain that appears to haunt the halls of college dormitories.

13. Make sure that your child has a cell phone with an updated calling plan. Be sure to check to see if it works well on the road to and from school as well as at the college — in the dorm room and on the walkways between classes. Decide whether it would be best for the cell phone’s home area to be based in your hometown, or whether it should be purchased at school, depending upon what would be more convenient for the student. Also discuss what you expect in terms of calls home per week, minutes to be used on a monthly basis or whether e-mail will be the primary communication device.

14. Many teens on the autism spectrum have fears about not being able to fit in, making friends, leaving old friends, and how they’ll fare without parents to talk to on a daily basis. Some teens, of course, are raring to go and won’t give it a second thought, but many fresh high school graduates are fearful of the unknown. Some may even be depressed about leaving home or their old friends. Consider engaging in counseling if you and your teenager can’t figure out the feelings and resolve them. A good counselor can let you know what will help your teenager to feel more comfortable with the move. Thinking and talking about fears and concerns ahead of time will make the transition much more successful and pleasant.

15. Parents should frame this time as a maturing “rite of passage” and not something to be filled with dread.

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

16. Set a budget. Unless you’ve had an older child recently in residence at the same college by which to gauge expenses, you’ll do a lot of guessing at first. A good place to start is to purchase the school’s meal plan. Also, consider funds needed for books, fees, video nights, shooting pool at the student union, etc. Then, depending upon your child’s responsibility level and nature, decide whether she can handle being given the entire spending money for the semester at one time, or whether it should be deposited into her account on a monthly or weekly basis.

17. Take into account the location of classes and the time allotted between classes, in addition to the distance from your youngster's residence (or the parking lot, if commuting) to classes. Some students with Aspergers and HFA find it physically depleting to spend a lot of time walking long distances, especially in inclement weather. On the other hand, if your youngster has too much time between classes, it can be socially awkward to find ways to fill such downtime, especially if he is a commuter.

18. The "special needs" student would do well to develop a checklist that includes not only “academic milestones desired” but social objectives as well (e.g., joining a student organization, attending an athletic event, participating in other on-campus social events, etc.).

19. Many colleges offer support programs to students on the spectrum. On-site coordinators meet weekly with identified students. Upon admission, any such student meets with a coordinator to whom he is assigned and completes a participant agreement that defines the obligation of the support program as well as expectations of the student's participation in the program. By signing a participant agreement, the student gives permission for a release of information so that test scores, grades, and other assessments are shared with his coordinator. This allows the coordinator to access student grades and provide feedback early on in each semester so that any action needed to improve grades can be planned well in advance of failing a course.

20. Another aid provided to students with Aspergers and HFA by some college support programs is a study schedule that is filled out by each student and visually maps how to get organized, use time wisely, and plan when and where to devote time to studying. A calendar, maintained by both the coordinator and the student, records test dates and assignment and project due dates. When the Aspergers student comes in to meet with his coordinator, the coordinator can, at a glance, get a sense of where the student should be in his class management and can ask how he is progressing.

21. Yet another aid provided to these special needs students by some college support programs is a learning style inventory, which is a simple, easy-to-read questionnaire that helps the student’s coordinator to determine the type of learning style unique to each student (e.g., visual learner, auditory learner, kinesthetic learner, someone who learns best through moving and doing, etc.). Supporting the student to identify his learning style and adapt study habits to some helpful techniques is another of the coordinator's responsibilities. This may, in turn, lead to accommodations necessary to achieve success in certain classes (e.g., a professor's flexibility in how graded notebooks are submitted if the student reinforces certain concepts with illustrations).

22. Determining the type and degree of available support may be a decision-making factor in your youngster's college selection. Making a connection with someone who will function as an ally is crucial to your youngster's ability to assimilate successfully. But college is also about broadening one's social contacts as well. An ally may be gained informally, or the relationship may be prearranged through a student mentorship program on campus. Most forward-thinking, progressive universities have programs established to aid students with disabilities, but finding those that have expertise in the subtleties of autism spectrum disorder may prove challenging.

 
==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

23. Discuss your expectations with your child. The following issues should be covered:

• Underage drinking is an all-too-common and socially acceptable college practice, but underage drinking is illegal, stupid, and can quickly get out of hand. A frank discussion of substance use will probably meet with eye-rolling, but it can’t hurt to delve, again, into that area.
• Lots of freshmen register for 12 or 15 hours but drop to six or nine by the end of the semester. The expectation of the minimum number of credits completed per semester is an issue that should be addressed and agreed upon by both the parents and the student before the semester begins so that there are no ambiguities. Statistically, more college students take four and one-half to five years to complete their studies than the traditional four-year program — partly due to legitimate changes in the major area of study, but also due to too many wasted semesters when only six or nine hours of course work were actually completed.
• What are your expectations about going to class and not lazing around the dorm room, sleeping in and hoping to catch the information from the roommate’s notes or via video classes?
• What grade point average needs to be maintained before the new student matures at the community college for a few semesters or years until he’s ready to venture out again? Keep in mind that community colleges offer excellent educations and are usually less expensive. In addition, parents can offer more guidance and supervision if the teen is not ready to “do it on their own.”
• What should the student do if he or she finds that they are in over their head — either academically (grade or credit problems), socially (too many friends or parties), or emotionally (homesick, not enough friends, lonely)? The college counseling center is usually an excellent resource if the college student doesn’t feel comfortable talking to parents about these issues.

24. In partnership with your youngster, explore all that “going off to college” can mean, including:

• Attending a branch campus before relocating to the main campus
• Attending college in another part of your current state (living on campus)
• Attending college in another state (living on campus)
• Considering how to transfer schools (and credits) if things aren't working out, or as part of a plan
• Starting out slowly by living at home but commuting to a local college
• Starting out slowly by taking fewer classes (on campus or living at home)
• Taking classes online over the Internet
• Taking correspondence courses
• Working part-time and attending night classes (on campus or living at home)

25. By following these guidelines, you and your teen will be better prepared for a pleasant and successful college experience. This should be one of the most exciting, challenging, and stimulating times of his life. By avoiding problems such as poor grades, financial disasters or emotional meltdowns, your young adult will have a much greater chance of success in this new life chapter.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Helping Children on the Autism Spectrum Through Divorce

Your very sensitive youngster with Aspergers (AS) or high functioning autism (HFA) will probably sense marital discord long before you do – even if you believe you've been very secretive about it. He may internalize what is occurring around him and assume personal responsibility for it. It is a very disturbing time for child with special needs, and the internal personalization of the situation cannot be contained indefinitely.

In the AS or HFA youngster, this can manifest itself in:

• Depressive symptoms
• Heightened anxiety
• Increase in “acting out” or other “attention-seeking” behaviors
• Increased difficulty in school
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Rashes and other skin irritations
• Regular symptoms of physical illness

Maintaining peace wherever possible and providing reassurances as the divorce unfolds are important considerations for helping AS children through divorce.

Here are 20 crucial tips for helping your child with the transition from a traditional two-parent family to a single-parent family:

1. All kids will require constant reassurances during a time in which uncertainty about the future reigns. This will be especially true of the youngster with AS or HFA, and as you've probably learned, verbal reassurances are not enough.

2. Ask your child about friends of his whose parents are divorced. This is a good way to learn of his fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear-up any misconceptions and remind him that other kids have gone through what he is now going through.

3. Kids on the autism spectrum tend to have many questions, feelings, assumptions and concerns about divorce. Many moms and dads find it difficult to just sit quietly and listen to their kids talk without trying to interrupt with a "fix-it" statement. Your AS child needs to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.

4. Be clear in communicating that the divorce is not your youngster's fault and demystify any new environmental changes.

5. Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.

6. Encourage your youngster to write, draw, cartoon storyboard, or use the computer to communicate his feelings and understanding of the situation. “Social stories” about divorce are very helpful as well. Review and fine-tune this information with him regularly and be prepared to follow his lead in opening-up discussion at times you hadn't anticipated it.

7. If you and your spouse are civil with one another, meeting together with your youngster will be an optimal demonstration of solidarity and goodwill. Explain the circumstances as you would to any of your kids. Don't be surprised if your youngster with AS or HFA punctuates your discussion with his own recollections of marital conflicts that stretch back in time — some of which you may have forgotten or of which you failed to realize the full impact.

8. If you, the parent, are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or stuck, then get help. Therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can gain insight, learn problem solving skills and find solutions to dealing with the anger and pain of separation and divorce.

9. It is important to stress and review all the things that will stay the same during this transition in addition to walking through the future changes, and to do so often throughout the process.

10. It is natural for any youngster to feel emotional upheaval in wondering whom to “side” with, especially if one parent “plays” the youngster against the other. Your youngster with AS or HFA is likely to feel emotionally torn – even if you are seeking to escape a harmful or abusive situation.

11. Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from your child.

12. Know that certain sights, sounds, and smells can trigger thoughts that will lead to your youngster's need to verbalize his feelings.

13. Know that most kids are naturally inclined to believe that they are somehow the cause of a divorce. This may be intensified in your youngster with AS or HFA and will be reinforced if he witnessed or overheard conflicts in which he was at the center of an argument.

14. Let your child know that it is normal for him to want his parents to get back together again. Kids can feel ashamed about this very normal wish. You can explain to your youngster that once divorced, it is very unlikely that parents ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation is very normal.

15. Many kids on the autism spectrum hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. They need to know all their feelings are acceptable.

16. Minimize the disruptions your child’s daily routines.

17. Read together and talk about a child’s book on divorce. This will help you explain important facts to your youngster and help him formulate questions he might otherwise not have words for.

18. Reassure your youngster regarding personal safety. Many kids are concerned that, if their parents get a divorce, there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them. Kids living with single mothers may also need reassurance that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, "burglars" or "ghosts".

19. Your youngster may well have to decide where - and with whom - he'd like to live. This can snowball and lead to other social upheavals concerning a new home, new neighborhood, new family members, and a new school. It may also mean leaving behind friends, family, pets, and very familiar environments. Be sensitive to these changes, because children on the spectrum don’t do well with change in general.

20. Your "special needs" youngster will require pictures, words, and stories to help make sense of it all and to foster some measure of safety and comfort.

*** Additional Considerations ***

Breaking the News—

As soon as you're certain of your divorce plans, talk to your child about your decision to live apart. Although there's no easy way to break the news, if possible have both mom and dad present for this conversation. It's important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you're going to manage telling your child so you don't become upset or angry during the talk.

Tell your child that sometimes grown-ups change the way they love each other or can't agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that children and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Family members often don't agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and children don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give your children enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that children don't need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It's enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger children, it's best to keep it simple. You might say something like: "Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don't fight so much, but we both love you very much."

Older children and teenagers may be more in tune with what moms and dads have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they've overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights. 

Handling the Child’s Reactions—

Tell children who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart."

Not all children react right away. Let yours know that is OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they're ready. Some children try to please their moms and dads by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your children express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they'll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change. Be prepared to answer these and other questions:

• Can I still do my favorite activities?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?
• Where will each parent live?
• Where will I go to school?
• Where will we spend holidays such as Thanksgiving?
• Who will I live with?
• Will I have to go to a different school?
• Will I move?
• Will I still get to see my friends?

Being honest is not always easy when you don't have all the answers, or when children are feeling scared or guilty about what's going on. It's always the right thing to do to tell them what they need to know at that moment.

The Importance of Consistency—

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Especially during a divorce, children will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It's natural that you'll be concerned about how a youngster is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your children.

• Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines (e.g., school and social life)?
• Do they seem to be acting differently than usual?
• Is a youngster doing things like regressing to younger behaviors (e.g., thumb-sucking or bedwetting)? 

Behavioral changes are important to watch out for. For example, any new or changing signs of:

• anxiety
• difficulties with appetite
• difficulties with friends
• difficulties with sleep
• moodiness
• sadness
• school problems

All of these can be signs of a problem.

Older children and teenagers may be vulnerable to risky behaviors (e.g., alcohol abuse, drug abuse, skipping school, defiant acts, etc.). Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teenager's well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Adjusting to a New Living Situation—

Because divorce can be such a big change, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually. Several types of living situations should be considered:

• joint custody in which both legal and physical custody are shared
• joint custody where one parent has "tie breaking" authority in certain medical or educational domains
• one parent may have sole custody

Which one is right for your children? That's a tough question and often the one that couples spend most time disagreeing on. Although some children can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" and visiting with the other parent. Some moms and dads choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your youngster's needs should come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to "win." When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what's best for the children. It's important for moms and dads to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the children to choose.

During the preteen years, when children become more involved with activities apart from their moms and dads, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. Ideally, children benefit most from consistent support from both moms and dads, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible.

Your youngster may refuse to share time with you and your ex-spouse equally and may try to take sides. If this occurs, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the importance of the involvement of both moms and dads.

Children sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the non-custodial parent. But this may not reflect that they want to move. Listen to and explore these options if they're brought up. This kind of arrangement can work well in "friendly" divorces, but is not typical of higher-conflict situations.

Changes of any kind are hard — know that you and your children can and will adjust to this one. Finding your inner strength and getting help to learn new coping skills are hard work, but can make a big difference to helping your family get through this difficult time.

Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

Helping Children with Autism to Transition to a New School

"We are going to be moving to a nearby town in a few weeks, and starting the first week in September, my son (with high functioning autism) will be attending a new school. The timing is not very good for this move as we had hoped to wait until he finished grade school at the current location. In any event, how can we make this transition without having major meltdowns and/or behavioral problems?"

Click here for the answer...

The Misdiagnosis of Children on the Autism Spectrum

Some "Aspergers" and "high-functioning autistic" (HFA) children do not have the disorder at all, they are simply "gifted." Has your child been misdiagnosed?

No one knows exactly how many gifted kids are misdiagnosed by clinicians and pediatricians who are not trained in the unique emotional difficulties of the gifted youngster. A common belief is that gifted kids do not have any particular social or emotional problems. Yet, research indicates that up to 20 % of high school dropouts test in the gifted range.

Some gifted kids may not seem different than other “behaviorally-difficult” children in their behavior and emotions, but the underlying causes are different. Any youngster can become withdrawn, aggressive, depressed, anxious, or sad – or exhibit any number of other problem behaviors given the right circumstances. However, there are a many aspects of giftedness that create unique challenges.

Gifted kids, many of whom are “asynchronous” (i.e., developing at different rates in different areas), encounter difficulties conforming to expectations, have behavior problems due to boredom, or otherwise struggle in a school setting.

Because of their finely tuned awareness, gifted kids tend to experience life differently and more intensely than others. Unfortunately, peers and adults at school or home often do not understand these differences. Gifted kids may experience the following problems:

• Boredom and impatience
• Difficulty observing boundaries and channeling their intense energy
• Disregard for, or open questioning of, rules and traditions
• Frustration and disappointment when ideals are not reached
• Not "fitting in" with their peers
• Preoccupation with deep human concerns, sometimes leading to anxiety and depression

In a clinical situation, the youngster's intense personal traits and difficulties may be viewed as symptoms of a mental or emotional disorder. Misguided therapy or medication may follow, as the clinician attempts to suppress or "cure" the symptoms of giftedness.

Common misdiagnoses of gifted kids include:

1. Aspergers or HFA— Highly gifted kids often have different ways of interacting socially. Their unusual comments and jokes may be misinterpreted as signs of autism. Children with on the spectrum may be gifted—especially in certain specific skills—but they do not respond as well as neurotypical kids to ordinary social or emotional cues. They may not make friends readily and often prefer to keep to themselves. Gifted kids, on the other hand, often show a great deal of concern for others and are highly sociable. If your gifted youngster gets along well with both grown-ups and peers, then a diagnosis of Aspergers or HFA is very unlikely. If you are concerned about your youngster’s socializing skills, then you may want to consult with a psychologist who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders.

2. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder— Traits such as intensity, impatience, sensitivity, and high energy are common in kids with ADHD , as well as in gifted kids. Some gifted kids do have ADHD, but many do not. They are at a different developmental level than other kids. As a result, they may be inattentive and impulsive in certain situations.

3. Mood Disorders— Gifted kids may have intense mood swings. They notice inconsistencies and absurdities in society and in the people around them. They can feel different and alienated from others. These traits are often found in kids with depression, especially those with bipolar disorder. A gifted child who has mood swings, irritability, difficulties with anger control, etc., may not suffer from a mood disorder, but should be seen by a psychologist for proper diagnosis.

4. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder— Gifted kids like to organize things into complex structures. They tend to be perfectionists and idealists. They can get upset when others do not go along with their ideas, appearing intolerant and "bossy." This behavior may be mistaken for obsessive-compulsive disorder or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. If obsessive tendencies seem to be getting in the way of a youngster’s success or happiness, then a psychiatric consultation is suggested.

5. Oppositional Defiant Disorder— Like kids with oppositional defiant disorder , gifted kids frequently appear "strong-willed." However, such behavior is often due to their intensity, sensitivity, and idealism. They do not like to be criticized for their different way of thinking. They may question the rules and engage in power struggles with authority figures.

Common concerns in gifted kids include:

1. Sleep Disorders— Nightmare disorder, sleep terror disorder, and sleepwalking disorder appear to be more common in gifted kids. Some gifted kids sleep a lot less than other kids. Others sleep a lot more. In the presence of unusual sleep patterns, your family doctor can advise whether a gifted youngster needs further evaluation for sleep or psychological problems.

2. Relational Problems— Moms and dads may lack information about the traits of gifted kids. Such kids may appear to be willful, mischievous, or strange. They may be criticized or disciplined for behaviors that stem from curiosity, intensity, and sensitivity. Power struggles, tantrums, and other behavior problems may surface. Effective therapy should involve helping the family understand and cope with the youngster's intensity.

3. Learning Disabilities— Gifted kids often have hidden learning disabilities (e.g., auditory processing weaknesses, difficulties with visual perception, writing disabilities, spatial disorientation, dyslexia, and attention deficits). Gifted kids may develop a poor self-image when learning disabilities are present. They tend to dwell on the things they can’t do and may need help in developing a good self-image. Gifted kids with learning disabilities have a great deal of trouble getting needed help in their schools because their academic achievement is usually above grade level despite their disability. Most school systems require a history of academic failure before they will provide remedial services.

Gifted kids have many strengths and possess greater than average awareness, perception, and sensitivity. This may be expressed in one or more areas (e.g., art, music, language, science, math, etc.). Common traits of gifted and talented kids include:

• Ability to process information at deeper levels
• Complexity and intense inner turmoil
• Creativity and strong imagination
• Deep compassion for others
• High sensitivity
• Intensity
• Keen observation, perception, and insight
• Love of learning
• Perfectionism and idealism
• Questioning established rules, beliefs, traditions, and authority
• Strong absorption in their interests

Problems associated with the strengths of gifted children include:

Strengths: Ability to conceptualize, abstract, synthesize; enjoys problem-solving and intellectual activity.

Possible Problems: Rejects or omits details; resists practice or drill; questions teaching procedure.

Strengths: Acquires and retains information quickly.

Possible Problems: Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundational skills; may make concepts unduly complex. 

Strengths: Can see cause--effect relations.

Possible Problems: Difficulty accepting the illogical-such as feelings, traditions, or matters to be taken on faith. 

Strengths: Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things.

Possible Problems: May disrupt plans or reject what is already known; seen by others as different and out of step. 

Strengths: Diverse interests and abilities; versatility.

Possible Problems: May appear scattered and disorganized; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect continual competence. 

Strengths: Enjoys organizing things and people into structure and order; seeks to systematize.

Possible Problems: Constructs complicated rules or systems; may be seen as bossy, rude, or domineering. 

Strengths: High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts.

Possible Problems: Frustration with inactivity; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive. 

Strengths: Independent; prefers individualized work; reliant on self.

Possible Problems: May reject parent or peer input; non-conformity; may be unconventional. 

Strengths: Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation; searching for significance.

Possible Problems: Asks embarrassing questions; strong-willed; resists direction; seems excessive in interests; expects same of others. 

Strengths: Intense concentration; long attention span in areas of interest; goal-directed behavior; persistence.

Possible Problems: Resists interruption; neglects duties or people during period of focused interests; stubbornness. 

Strengths: Keen observer; willing to consider the unusual; open to new experiences.

Possible Problems: Overly intense focus; occasional gullibility. 

Strengths: Large vocabulary and facile verbal proficiency; broad information in advanced areas.

Possible Problems: May use words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all." 

Strengths: Love of truth, equity, and fair play.

Possible Problems: Difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns. 

Strengths: Sensitivity, empathy for others; desire to be accepted by others.

Possible Problems: Sensitivity to criticism or peer rejection; expects others to have similar values; need for success and recognition; may feel different and alienated. 

Strengths: Strong sense of humor.

Possible Problems: Sees absurdities of situations; humor may not be understood by peers; may become "class clown" to gain attention. 

Strengths: Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.

Possible Problems: Critical or intolerant toward others; may become discouraged or depressed; perfectionist.

Lack of understanding by moms and dads, teachers, and clinicians – combined with the lack of appropriately differentiated education –all lead to interpersonal conflicts, which are then mislabeled, and thus prompt the misdiagnoses.

Gifted and talented kids often must overcome many challenges to reach their potential. They frequently need help interacting in the mainstream world, finding supportive environments, and channeling their skills. When gifted kids are misdiagnosed and wrongly stigmatized, they cannot get the type of support they need. Families, teachers, and health professionals need to be better educated about the social and emotional needs of gifted kids.

Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.


Follow-up Question:

I have a 16 year old son who has Asperger Syndrome.  He has also tested in the 99th percentile for intelligence.  He learns easily and fast in most subjects.  But, as is common with Aspies, he has very little common sense.  He has problems making friends in the first place, but has further isolated himself from his peers by saying out loud in class (several times), “I don’t know why I have to learn this stuff that I already know.  They (classmates) may need to because they are not as smart as me, but why do I have to?”  Needless to say it does not go over well.  If you ask him why he would say such a thing he says “Because it is true”.  Also, he constantly challenges the teacher on whether what she has said is correct.  Any ideas as to how to get him to understand and change this behaviour? 

Answer:

Gifted Aspergers students can become frustrated in the classroom due to repetition and the lack of challenge. This may lead some kids to act-out or be disruptive. It may cause others to become disinterested and dislike school. Still others may become upset at the mere thought of going to school.

The starting point is to validate your son’s feelings—whatever they might be—and acknowledge and accept that the feelings are there. You can accept the feeling without having to accept the means of expression of the feeling (e.g., disrupting class). You need to communicate that your son’s feelings are understandable and natural, under the circumstances, and for the way that your son sees the world. You want to simply be offering an empathic narrative about what may be going on in your son’s mind and the connection between the trigger event (e.g., rehashing old material), the interpretation or meaning it had for your son (e.g., “this is so boring”), and the resulting feelings that arose in your son (e.g., frustration).

As the parent, you have the opportunity to model healthy ways of dealing with frustration in the ways that you, yourself, react when these feelings come up for you. The goal is to model that your own and your son’s difficult feelings can be observed, can be tolerated without "destroying" you or "driving you over the edge," and that they can be managed in conscious, healthy ways.  Monitor your own level of frustration or anger. Learn to recognize your own internal signs for when you get close to "not being able to take it anymore," or to "exploding.” It's ok to give yourself a time out, and it's not a sign of defeat. In fact, it's modeling behavior that you want your son to use. You can say something like "I'm getting close to the point where I can't think clearly, so I'm going to take a few minutes to clear my head."
 
You can also work with your son on a specific technique to help him step out of automatic reactions and unacceptable behavior. Use the sequence, "Stop, Think, Choose" as the keywords for your son to use to coach himself toward more conscious choices for behavior. The trick is to develop the association of this sequence with the onset of the frustration or anger. You would work with your son during calm times to offer acceptable choices for ways to express the feelings. Then, help your son to pick a trigger or identify a "switch" that informs your son that he is starting to reach his limits of tolerance. This might involve having him recognize that he's clenching his fists or feeling tension in his body, being able to recognize and articulate "I'm angry," or anything else that will help him catch himself in the process of becoming upset.

At first, you will have to help your son to catch himself, and you might do this with comments like, "I can see that you're starting to get frustrated. Is this one of those times when you could use your 'stop-think-choose' technique?" Presenting this technique as a choice gives your son the opportunity to learn that he can exercise control over his reactions and behavior. You may still need to coach him through the process of stopping, thinking, choosing before he can manage it himself.

One of the most common sources of frustration for gifted children has to do with their perception that others' rules don't make sense, aren't logical, and things that others say or do aren't rational (and therefore need not be obeyed). They believe that the world should operate according to THEIR rules (which they believe are totally logical), and they feel outraged when the world doesn't oblige.

Their natural drive for self-determination and efforts to feel in control of -- and to exert control over -- their world bring them into frequent conflict with the "real" rules. This can create a deep sense of despair and fear that they can never be in control of their world. Some children may even feel individually punished for not being allowed to be in control, and will fight to protect their self-esteem and efforts at self-efficacy. This can explain why sometimes the smallest incident that seems unjust to them can trigger such intense distress. They're reacting to the feeling that the entire world appears irrational, uncontrollable and unpredictable to them. Think about how scary that would be!

One possible way to address this is to find some activity or environment where your son truly can set the rules and he can feel in control. This requires some creative thinking by you to construct or find such an environment. When your son can find one place where he feels that things "make sense," and feels in control, then much of the distress over not being in control in other places subsides.

Another common source of distress for a gifted child is the fear that he really isn't as smart as others say he is, and he's going to fall from gifted grace if anyone ever found out. He therefore feels very protective of his self-image as someone who is "smart," but feels fragile since he doesn't believe it's something he has any control over.

Another way you can help your son when he explodes over perceived injustices or doesn't like following rules set by others is to help him empathize. The idea is to help your son recognize that other people have different perspectives about things, and that their reasons for doing something may be completely consistent with their own perspectives, even if they're different from his own.

Aspergers children, especially, have a difficult time recognizing that other perspectives can exist in other people's minds. In fact, being able to conceive of a different belief being held in another person's mind is a learned process, often called Theory of Mind, and usually doesn't even start to develop until around age three or four. It can take several more years for the capacity to develop to the point where a child can actually understand another's behavior and reactions in terms of completely different perceptions existing in another's mind. Since this is a learned skill, it's something you can assist your son to develop.
 
One way to do this is by engaging him in games or exercises where you ask him to imagine what's taking place in the other person's mind, when he has been in a conflict with someone else, or has refused to do something he's been asked to do. You can ask him to tell the story first from his own point of view, and then ask him to pretend that he's the other person, and tell the story again from the other's point of view. Encourage him to explain, in as much detail as possible, what he imagines the other person's motives were, or what the other person must have been thinking or feeling that made her act the way she did. If he was in an argument with another person, then ask him to replay the argument, but to argue it from the other person's perspective.
 
You can encourage your son to try to imagine as many different motives as possible, that the other person might have had for doing what she did. Approach this as a brainstorming exercise and challenge your son to be creative, no matter how outlandish his responses might be. You can help by throwing in some ideas of your own and even making a game out of it where you take turns guessing at the motives and intentions of the other person.
 
Basically, any type of exercise that helps your son to be curious about the perceptions and intentions of others, and helps him to become accepting of different perceptions, will benefit him in numerous ways. For example, if he felt hurt by something someone did, instead of assuming that the other person must have had the deliberate intention of hurting him, he might be able to see that the other person was trying to concentrate on a task, and was annoyed at being interrupted. This could help him take things less personally in the long run.
 
Lastly, if your son reverts to behavior that is destructive or unacceptable when he's upset, then form a plan AHEAD OF TIME for how you're going to respond to it. You want to establish clear rules for what is and is not acceptable behavior, write them down, and post them for your son to see and remember. Then, you want to formulate clear and precise consequences when the rules are broken, write them down, and post them for your son to see and remember. The critical elements in making a system like this work are clarity and consistency.

Another angle would be to approach your son’s teacher to see if there are some advanced (new) lessons your son can be doing while the others are repeating former lessons.