Aspergers and the "Avoidant Personality" Type

Children, teens and adults with Aspergers (high functioning autism) vary in personality types. One type of personality is called “avoidant.” Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. This type of "Aspie" is often described as being extremely shy, inhibited in new situations, and fearful of disapproval and social rejection. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of an Aspie’s overall character and a central theme in how he relates to others.

Avoidant Personality in Aspergers Adults: Case Study—

A 30-year-old computer programmer with Aspergers presents for treatment at the urging of his new girlfriend whom he met online. He describes himself as being painfully shy since childhood. There is no history of language delay, odd interests, or unawareness of social cues. On the contrary, he tends to over-interpret cues, believing that he is being negatively viewed by others. He has always had difficulty forming close friendships – not because of a lack of desire – but because of an intense fear of rejection and disapproval. He endured adolescence with difficulty as his self-esteem dropped. In college, he became absorbed in his studies and avoided most social encounters because they were so difficult for him. After graduation, he looked for work that would minimize social interaction and opportunities to be judged by others. He did manage to meet his current girlfriend through a social networking website, but she complains that he does not relate to her in an intimate manner.

Aspies with avoidant personality tend to do some of the following:

• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Avoids social situations to a degree that limits activities or disrupts life
• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

The following situations are often stressful for Aspies with avoidant personality:

• Attending parties or other social gatherings

• Being called on in class

• Being teased or criticized

• Being the center of attention

• Being watched while doing something

• Eating or drinking in public

• Going on a date

• Making phone calls

• Making small talk

• Meeting new people

• Performing on stage

• Public speaking

• Speaking up in a meeting

• Taking exams

• Talking with “important” people or authority figures

• Using public bathrooms

Emotional symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
• Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
• Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
• Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
• Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation

Physical symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Feeling dizzy or faint

• Racing heart or tightness in chest

• Red face, or blushing

• Shortness of breath

• Sweating or hot flashes

• Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)

• Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)

For Aspies with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders, particularly major depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders, is extremely important. Because “social anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial.

Help for Aspies with Avoidant Personality—

1. Avoid or limit caffeine. Coffee, tea, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, and chocolate act as stimulants that increase anxiety symptoms.

2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

3. Drink only in moderation. You may be tempted to drink before a party or other social situation in order to calm your nerves, but alcohol actually increases your anxiety in the long run.

4. Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.

5. Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.

6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.

7. Quit smoking. Nicotine is a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

8. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.

9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.

10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.

The opposite of the "avoidant personality" is the "approach personality," which is discussed in another post (click here).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Married to an Aspie: Advice for the Neurotypical Spouse

Many “neurotypical” spouses (i.e., the spouse without Aspergers) often feel overly responsible for their Aspergers partner; however, it is important to acknowledge that there is choice connected to that responsibility.

If you choose to take on responsibility for others, decide on how much and when you feel it is appropriate.

Tips for the neurotypical partner:

1. Acknowledging that your Aspergers spouse will “not get better” or be “transformed” into the person you thought he was can sometimes help with your tolerance level. Certain behavior can be modified or changed, which can make daily life less stressful for both you and your Aspie. For example, routines and agreed timetables can help, as can looking at how you talk and what language is used. With acceptance of the condition come a range of other issues, such as grief and the realization of what is not going to be. For some, there will be a feeling of disappointment, loss and unfulfilled potential. Talking to a counselor can really help. They can listen and empower you to explore the issues, emotions and choices.

2. Do not leave ambiguity in your statements, and do not assume your wishes or emotions are acknowledged and understood. For example, it may not be enough to remind your Aspie that you have family over for a meal. You may need to go through the evening in detail, explaining what you want him to do, and not do (e.g., greet everyone once, and don’t go to bed before the guests leave, etc.).

3. Know that you are not alone (although it may often feel as though this is the case). Professionals are getting better at recognizing the condition and developing appropriate service – although this will often seem too slow for many needing help now. Use what help is available through a partner support group and/or counseling.

4. Often times, neurotypical partners spend so much time looking after others that their own needs are not acknowledged by themselves or others. Decide what you want and how you can get it (e.g., where can you go for conversation, support, etc.). Take time out to pamper yourself – whatever helps to relieve your stress.

5. Try and see what structures may help and what may hinder. For example, it might be important to agree how meal times will be conducted (e.g., sitting down together at the table). To be rigid on all times (e.g., we will eat at 6pm) may be more difficult if you cannot always meet the schedule (e.g., dinner at 6.15pm may cause stress to both of you).

6. Aspergers is a complex condition, and it is important that your source of moral support is informed and understanding of these complexities. The benefit in talking to someone who understands many facets of Aspergers should not be under-estimated.

7. Ending the relationship is certainly an option. It is important to get legal advice so that you understand the financial and practical implications of separation. Advice from a legal professional is exactly that – it does not mean you have to leave; it can just help eliminate the unknown. Counseling can be helpful in making the right decision about whether or not to file for divorce.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Helping Your Aspergers Child to Make Friends: 10 Tips for Parents

Always an eccentric youngster, your child has now been diagnosed with Aspergers (or high functioning autism). The social world of kids is chaotic enough these days, but a child on the spectrum is particularly challenged. Nonetheless, with the parent’s help, an "Aspie" can find - and keep - friends. Here’s how:

1. Align your own expectations with reality. Know that the Aspergers youngster will probably not be popular, but can be happy and fulfilled with just one or two good friends.

2. Encourage your youngster to notice when other children are interested in him, because he may not pick up on attention. Impress upon him that it's important to remember classmate's names and use them in conversation.

3. Find a therapist who specializes in, or at least understands, children with Aspergers. Your child will have issues around being "different" that he must discuss with someone, preferably a qualified professional. He may need further help in setting social goals.

4. Know that Aspergers is defined as a pervasive developmental disorder on the autism spectrum characterized by a discrepancy between intellectual and social abilities.

5. Know that your Aspergers youngster may appear to be indifferent to his lack of friends. Many of these children care deeply, but have simply given up on having a social life.

6. Limit solo activities such as video games, but know that too much social time can be overwhelming.

7. Locate Social Skills groups in your area. They usually consist of three or more children of the same age who meet once a week to interact socially under the guidance of a therapist. The goal is to take their new skills into the broader world.

8. Support your child in setting up social activities. She may be uncomfortable asking someone to just "hang out," so a movie and ice cream may be more desirable.

9. Understand that those who have Aspergers have difficulty understanding social cues, although they are often academically advanced.

10. Urge him to join school clubs. Many Aspergers children have very specific interests and can parlay their skills in this area into a social activity.

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

“Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group”

Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group is a Facebook community page designed for individuals with Autism, Aspergers, ADHD, PDDs, and other neurological differences. We provide a discussion forum where members communicate with each other, a sister website with exclusive articles and how-to guides, and a chatroom for real-time communication with other Aspergers/HFA adults.

Go to Adults with Aspergers and HFA – Support Group

Comment: 

I met Jeremy two years ago and recognized Aspberger's almost immediately. We had this great connection, though. We became good friends and my feelings developed from there. He told me repeatedly for a year and a half that he didn't want to be anything more than my friend, but I remained in his life because we had fun together and I believed his friendship was genuine. I also believed that nothing more than friendship would develop, particularly knowing his limitations, and although it was difficult, I wanted to keep him in my life. In February, we took a last minute trip to Nashville to see a hockey game. That night, he told me that he loved me and our relationship turned from friendship to intimate. Since then, I've received so many mixed messages about what he wants that I don't know what to believe. Shortly after our trip to Nashville, he told me that he didn't want an exclusive relationship, yet that's exactly what we built. We were inseparable in February, March, and, in April, we took a 5 day vacation together. On the vacation, he told me that we were together and he began talking about the future. Living together. Shared expenses. Shared life. He began telling people we're in a relationship. 

He's an extremely private person, so that announcement was monumental to me. He took me to see his family. In May, though, I had a lot of family gatherings. Knowing his social issues, I tried not to push him to go. I invited him to everything, but didn't tell him he had to go. He was angry that I wanted to spend that much time with my family. He didn't understand why I wanted to do that. And he declined all of my invitations. And he was angry and unforgiving that I was not available to him. He also stopped being intimate with me in any way. I would try to initiate intimacy, not even necessarily sex, but just closeness, touching, etc., and he would flinch and move away from me. It's like he flipped switch and the loving, affectionate man that I glimpsed from February to April shut off. Everything came to a head over the last few days. He went out last Friday with the guys, something I encourage him to to, and he got another girl's phone number. On Saturday, he told me he got that. He wanted to be totally honest. I felt like he was punishing me for the time I spend with my family. We didn't argue then, we had a dinner with some friends to attend, but we did argue on Monday night. He wanted me to stay at his house on Monday night, but he didn't want intimacy, he just wanted my presence. He wanted me to sleep in the recliner next to his sofa, where he likes to sleep. I told him that wasn't comfortable and invited him to sleep in his bed with me and he declined. That lead to a conversation about intimacy, about how I feel and about what I want from our relationship. He was clearly overwhelmed and told me to stop talking and I left. 

 On Tuesday, he cancelled all of our plans for that evening. On Wednesday, he cancelled the rest of our plans for the week. I went to his house last night to pick up some baseball tickets and some of my other things and we talked a little. He told me that he is angry and that he doesn't want to see me for awhile. He feels like I have lied to him and manipulated him for the last two years, dragging him into a relationship that he never wanted. He thinks I try to annoy him and make him angry. I just don't know what to do. When it's just him and me, and we don't try to define relationships or deal with feelings, we enjoy eachother so much. But I am ready to have a partner, and maybe a family, and I don't know that I can keep dealing with him flipping the switch and turning me off. I am simply at a loss. I am sure this is more than you expected to get when you offered your help, but I could use any advice that anyone wants to give. My close friends and family have told me to give him some space and see what happens. I'm doing my best to do that. I have my own issues with rejection and this whole thing is devastating to me.

"Special Interest" or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

"How do I know whether or not my child's 'special interest' is actually an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?"

The term “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder” (OCD) is a clinical diagnosis that only a doctor can make. Many Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) kids also share an OCD diagnosis, but the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual definition for Aspergers and HFA calls for very OCD-like behavior as one criterion.

It can be very confusing for parents, and even diagnosticians, as to whether or not the “special interest” is simply an Aspergers or HFA trait, or part of another diagnosis (in this case, OCD).

So, when is a “special interest” simply a “special interest,” and when is it legitimate OCD?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a chronic illness, a type of anxiety disorder characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior. Unlike other anxiety disorders, the child knows that such thoughts and behaviors are irrational and silly, but cannot prevent themselves from having them.

(Note: There is a difference between OCD and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). OCPD is a mental disorder that is characterized by "preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.")

With OCD, there are obsessions. Obsessions are defined as “distressing ideas, images or impulses that repeatedly intrude into the child’s awareness.” These thoughts are typically experienced as inappropriate, anxiety-arousing, and contrary to the child’s will or desires. Common obsessions include:

• a need to have things "just so"
• a need to tell, ask, or confess
• contamination (e.g., fear of germs, dirt, etc.)
• excessive religious or moral doubt
• forbidden thoughts
• imagining having harmed self or others
• imagining losing control of aggressive urges
• intrusive sexual thoughts or urges

However, obsessions are not the only telltale sign for OCD. Another symptom of OCD is compulsions. Compulsions are "repetitive behaviors or rituals that the child performs to counteract the anxiety and distress produced by obsessive thoughts." Common compulsions include:

• checking

• counting

• hoarding

• ordering/arranging

• praying

• repeating

• touching

• washing

Some of these compulsions are easily witnessed, but this is not always true. Not all compulsions are obvious; many are mental processes (e.g., counting, praying) and harder – if not impossible – to notice. Typically the compulsions correspond to the obsessions. For example:

• aggressive, sexual, religious and somatic anxieties result in checking
• an obsession with hoarding leads to hoarding and collecting
• fears of contamination are accompanied by hand washing and cleaning
• need for symmetry produces ordering, arranging, counting and repeating rituals

OCD kids usually have obsessions and corresponding compulsions, but may have either obsessions or compulsions alone. Observing these obsessions and compulsions may be difficult for a parent to notice, because the child may hide his symptoms. Noticing obsessions and compulsions is the first step in discovering whether or not a child has OCD, but several other conditions must be met for the diagnosis to be made. For you to diagnose your child as having OCD (instead of being just a little strange), a few other factors must be present.

If your child really has OCD, he will recognize that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable – he knows that what he is doing makes no sense. Many people who developed OCD did so as a child, and report knowing that there was something different (or wrong) about them in comparison to other children.

Another factor of OCD is that the obsessions and compulsions:

• are inordinately time-consuming
• cause marked distress
• significantly interfere with the child's normal routine, occupational functioning, or social activities or relationships

OCD occurs when your youngster has thoughts (obsessions) or physical actions (compulsions) that seem out of his control, such that it becomes unpleasant, very stressful, or harmful in some way. This may - or may not - involve his special interest. It may involve some new, seemingly odd or purposeless focus on a bodily function, for example, or the need to repeatedly check his hands for cleanliness. If you notice that your child does have obsessions or compulsions that cause him to avoid people and social activities, than he may indeed have OCD. Some “red flag” indicators of OCD include:

1. The need to indulge in his activity causes him to lose sleep, skip meals, or be late for school.
2. He cannot seem to focus on - or discuss anything - but the activity.
3. He has lost interest in his appearance, dress, and hygiene because the activity has become all-consuming.
4. He is quick to lash-out and becomes verbally and/or physically abusive when you try to redirect him away from the activity of interest.
5. He withdraws from family, friends, and pets in favor of spending unusual amounts of time involved in the special activity.

If you note any of these changes in your youngster, it will be important for you to gather information about what you are observing in order to prepare for meeting with a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist for a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation.

Even with all these symptoms, it is often difficult to diagnose a child with OCD. Since the OCD youngster knows his thoughts and actions are irrational, he may tend to conceal his problems. Often, parents will bring the child they suspect of OCD to a doctor's attention. Sometimes the disorder is revealed through secondary symptoms (e.g., dry hands from excessive hand washing). However, the diagnosis must be made by specific questioning by a doctor. Clinical interviews establishing a history of obsessive thought or ritualistic behavior is the primary method of diagnosis.

There are some things you can do to determine if your child should be evaluated for OCD. You could ask him the following questions: "Do you find yourself doing something unusual repeatedly? Does this seem normal to you - or does it seem weird?" You could also make it fun and use a diagnostic scale as a magazine quiz (these surveys pretty much work the same way as most magazine quizzes). The most commonly used is the Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale (available online). Also, the Work and Social Adjustment Scale (often used in combination with other diagnostic scales), and the Maudsely Obsessive Compulsive Inventory are good tools as well. There are also several online resources, such as the Obsessive Compulsive Screening Checklist and the National Institute of Mental Health Screening Test.

(Note: You should not attempt to make such a diagnosis on your own. The online resources above are only to help you determine whether your child has symptoms of OCD in order for him to seek a professional diagnosis.)

If your youngster's “special interest” fit the criteria for OCD, you may need to reinforce parental parameters by being very firm about scheduling activities and responsibilities and holding your youngster accountable. Use visual time frames (e.g., calendars, clocks and watches, personal schedules) to set limits for the amount of time your youngster is permitted to indulge in his special interests. Your child’s teachers will also need to be clear and concrete about rules and responsibilities during the school day. Apply appropriate disciplinary measures once you ensure all expectations have been made clear to your youngster.

Parents have the right to have expectations of their Aspergers or HFA youngster. You expect your youngster to uphold the standards you've set with regard to house rules and other obligations (e.g., doing chores, completing homework, showing respect, etc.). It is also fair to set parameters around the amount of time your youngster indulges in his special interest – especially if you can readily foresee the potential for him to get “lost” in it for long periods of time.

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers and HFA Children and Teens