Search This Blog

What To Do When Your Aspergers Child Doesn't Have Any Friends

Question

My little guy does not have any friends. J___ will be 9 in Aug. He doesn't like sports, he's had a few rough experiences trying to fit in and play ball with his peers. He is not very coordinated i.e., he cannot ride a bike yet. He would be content riding a bike with training wheels - he is not AWARE that the other kids would make fun of him. He doesn't intuitively know what may trigger other children’s ridicule. My heart breaks for him. We went to the park the other day and he tried to play with 2 other boy's his age, one of them immediately told him to “shut up”. Kids are so cruel and notice “different” immediately. I have thought about home schooling him but I just don't think I have the patience (J___ is adopted …he is my stepdaughter’s biological child). My husband and I have raised him since he was 5 months old and for J___'s protection adopted him at age 3. At his request, after starting school, he calls us Mom and Dad. He loves to watch TV - could do it all day if allowed. He used to be into video games but seems to be bored with them right now. He enjoys reading but doesn't do it???? He is constantly asking to eat! Not sure if it's boredom or what. Thankfully he has skinny genes or he'd be in trouble. I don't know what I am asking; it feels like I could type for hours.


Answer

When an Aspergers (high functioning autistic) youngster doesn’t get acceptance from his peer group, parents have to find an organized way to work with him step by step to show him how to manage his daily life.

One thing to consider is that many Aspergers traits often don’t reveal themselves fully until the youngster starts school, although the issues have been there since birth. So when the youngster gets to kindergarten or first grade, parents might see that he has trouble reading, doing math or processing social situations. In reality, Aspergers has been there all along—it’s just surfacing in a different, more concrete way. By the time that youngster has been diagnosed, he’s probably already developed a very cautious way of looking at the world; he may already feel different and be working hard to hide it.

If you tell an Aspergers youngster, “C’mon, you’re just like the other children - don’t let it bother you,” that may make a bad problem worse because it sends a message to your youngster that he has control over whether or not he has a disorder, or the power to decide how it affects him. He’s going to walk away feeling like there’s something wrong with him, and he’s going to say to himself, “Nobody understands me, I really am different.” While Aspergers children may often learn how to manage the effects their Aspergers traits have on them, it usually takes a lot of work and effort on everybody's part—moms and dads, educators, and the children themselves—to make that happen.

What is your role as a parent in this situation? One job is to balance reassurance with coaching. When talking to your youngster, remind him that a lot of other Aspergers children have gone through the same thing and made it through okay. Give him some perspective on the issue – the knowledge that this is not the end of the world. Also, in your own mind, don’t let it be the end of the world.

This is the time to be a coach to your youngster. A coach reinforces and reminds children of skills that they have already acquired. A coach helps children to identify and develop the skills they need to solve a specific problem. Being a coach is one of the most precious things parents are to children. It’s a powerful thing to be able to help your youngster identify and solve his problems, because you’re giving him a tool that will aid him the rest of his life.

Also, continue setting limits even if your youngster is feeling bad or down. Let him know you still expect him to carry out his responsibilities and complete his tasks. If he is upset after school, say, “Well, take a few minutes and then let’s get started with homework.” He can feel bad for a certain amount of time, but then he has to start his homework or clean his room. Don’t let him be crippled by feeling bad – and don’t treat him like he is a cripple.

Limit-setting is very important during these times. You can be a loving and concerned parent, but it’s up to you to keep this problem in perspective. Your youngster may make the problem huge, so you have to be the one to say, “Yeah, that’s tough,” and then bring it down to its proper size (e.g., “It really hurts when this happens, but it happens. And even when we’re feeling this way, we still have to do our homework. We still have to talk nicely to our little brother. We still have to clean our room. We still have to eat dinner”). That way, your youngster is still being responsible and still keeping up with the tasks in his life.

Affirm what’s going on in your Aspergers youngster’s life and acknowledge that it’s hard for him. You can say things like, “It must be really tough to feel like you don’t get acceptance.” And then you can move to the offer of help: “I’m going to get us some help with that. I bet you’re not the only child that doesn’t feel like he fits in. I bet there are books out there and stuff we can find online that will help us.” You’re showing positive regard to your youngster, being comforting and being helpful.

Know that it’s a lot easier to start a relationship with one person than trying to get acceptance from a large group. When you talk with your youngster, tell him to deal with other children one at a time. You can say, “How about if you start with trying to find one friend first? Is there anyone at school who you might like to hang out with?” Suggest peers he might not have thought about before.

Teach your child to use positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is reasoning, soothing self-talk that helps you stay calm and keep your perspective. Children get anxious when they’re feeling left out or being picked on. Their adrenaline starts to pump, they think less clearly, and they panic. Positive, soothing self-talk is meant to bring them back down. In other words, it calms down their internal physical system, and accordingly, their thoughts.

Let your youngster know that help is out there, and that he doesn’t have to go it alone. If you freak out and start to panic about your youngster not “fitting in,” he’s going to think you think he’s a freak, too. So, it’s very important when children share their feelings of being different for you to remain calm. Often it’s very comforting for children to hear things like, “That happened to me when I was a child, and I know how much it hurts.” They feel comforted when you identify with their problem and empathize with them. Another way of doing that is to say, “That must feel awful for you.” That’s framing it for them and empathizing with them at the same time.

Remember, one of the best things you can ever ask your youngster is, “What would be helpful for you right now?” And then respect his need for space.

See if your youngster can find friends outside of school, in other circles, or places where they might meet other children with the same interests. Your youngster can join things like the Boy Scouts, where the uniform basically levels the playing field (everybody in the room has the same shirt on, so children stand out less in that crowd).

Teach children how to ask for help. Here’s a scenario: your youngster comes home upset because some children were laughing at him again at school. So you say, “Well, maybe you could ask your teacher to move you.” And if the next day your youngster says, “I did ask her, and she wouldn’t.” Say, “All right then, you did exactly the right thing. Now, let me talk to the teacher, I’ll see if I can be helpful.”

Teach children how to read social situations. So if there’s a group of children that doesn’t like your youngster or picks on him, your youngster needs to learn how to stay away from them and find other children who he gets along with. Maybe there are some shy children he can befriend or other children having a hard time. For some kids, reading social situations is more difficult than for others. But there are tools that can help moms and dads work with their children that will teach them how to read expressions and pick up on social cues.

Let your youngster “talk it out” — don’t try to make the problem seem like it’s not important, because in your youngster’s life, it’s huge. Yes, all children go through this. But maybe all children don’t go through what your child is going through.

When your youngster goes to school and gets picked on, you feel powerless as a parent. It frightens you and makes you angry, but really it’s a sense of powerlessness that you’re experiencing. You do everything you can to protect yourself in life, but when your youngster goes to school and gets hurt, you’re vulnerable too. The feeling of powerlessness is a personal feeling – and it’s a devastating one. Many moms and dads lose their objectivity when their youngster talks to them about being excluded, picked on or bullied. The technique for the parent here is to go take five minutes and calm down, talk it through with others if you can, work it out, but don’t overreact in front of your youngster. Sure, it’s very normal for moms and dads to feel powerless, and it’s very difficult for them not to overreact to that feeling. But know that when you feel powerless, your first response is not always the best response. In fact, there are generally two kinds of reactions when people feel powerless: (1) they stick their head in the sand, or (2) they strike out. Remember that neither one is helpful to a child!


 
 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... As a parent of an ASD son I can relate. Sports (team related do not usually work) for individual participation do seem to work. My son liked golf he did learn to ride a bun early due to his obsession with wheels. Don't give up finding the activities that he can learn to excel in, they are out there. The social interaction is the hardest, the ideals listed above are excellent.
•    Anonymous said... As the years go on my son started with one friend, then in high school he gained a few more. You just have to let him find the people he clicks with on his own.
•    Anonymous said... Great article and very helpful thank you
•    Anonymous said... I can relate with so much of this article and comments from others. My son is 11 and has not been officially diagnosed but I see so much of all the comments others shared in my son... He has only been riding a bike for about a year and a half, not real coordinated, but the social area is where I really see his differences even though he don't seem to notice it. Great article.
•    Anonymous said... I purposely seek out friends for my son (usually younger siblings of his sister's friends) who are at least 2-3 years younger than he is. They are nicer, more accepting, and don't seem to mind quirks as much.
•    Anonymous said... My son has made friends with the other ASD kids that we have meet in social groups, speech, ot and special needs activities. He has more friends than his NT brother and I have made some wonderful friends with the moms.
•    Anonymous said... Really great insight. We use a lot of these suggestions & it does help. Go with his interests. Sports are really difficult for most kids with Aspergers. Follow their interest....for our son it's art, and they'll have a better chance at finding a more like minded kid that is accepting of & "gets" them. It is so hard to see their pain & feel powerless to help at times.
•    Anonymous said... We have put our son in Cub Scouts, karate, and swimming. All individual activities but still has a social piece.

Please post your comment below…
By

How Parents Can Help Their Aspergers and HFA Teens

Parents with Aspergers and high-functioning autism face many problems that other parents don’t – and never will. But, take a deep breath and relax for a moment. There are some ways that parents can deal effectively with some common, everyday issues.

Click here for the full article...
By

Aspergers/HFA Children and Literal Thinking

“My son with high functioning autism takes everything literally. I have to be careful to say exactly what I mean. For example, recently I was in a hurry and told him to ‘Step on it!’ – which utterly confused him. If I don’t keep conversations focused and simple, he’s lost. Plus, he only wants to talk about the 1 thing he is really interested in at the time.”

Click here for the answer...
By

Summer Activities for Aspergers Children

Many Aspergers (high functioning autistic) kids have extreme difficulties with transitions. This can be a simple transition, such as moving from one activity to another, or a more significant transition like school letting out for the summer. When moms and dads plan ahead and schedule summer activities for their youngster, the transition out of school and into the less structured summer-time can be easier for all involved.

The purpose of summer vacation should be to give kids the opportunity to explore new learning avenues. If you have an Aspergers child, two new learning opportunities that he can benefit from are (a) new activities and (b) new places. Being able to do a new activity or go into a new location - and feel comfortable - is a valuable skill that many Aspergers kids struggle with. Fortunately, during the summer months, you can go to new places earlier in the day when they are not as crowded, which should make the experience a lot easier for your child to deal with.

Get ready for summer outdoor activities, and get some great gear. Globo Surf can help you with their great guides and tips about everything outdoors.

The first step in exposing your Aspergers child to new activities and places will be to create a social story about it. The social story will explain where you will be going, what you will be doing, and how long you will stay there.

The second step is to walk your child through the activity he will be engaging in at the new place (e.g., he may be riding his bike in a park he has never been in).

The third step is to go to the location and engage in the activity (while monitoring closely how well your child is adjusting to the experience). It is a good idea to involve a reward at the end of a ‘successfully completed’ activity (e.g., buying a special video or book).

Now that you know how to handle exposing your child to new places and activities, sift through the list below for some ideas on what to do. (Note: Aspergers children are not all alike. One child may tolerate a particular activity or location quite well – while another may slip into a full-blown meltdown. So take it slow at first – and keep it simple).

Summer Activities for Aspergers Children—

1. AMC movie theaters provide sensory friendly film showings to families affected by Aspergers on a monthly basis. The movies are shown with the lights up and sound turned down and sensory affected audience members are invited to get up out of their seats whenever they want. It's an excellent way to enjoy a movie!

2. As the pressures of the school year ease up during the summer months, this can be a great time to get involved with other families of Aspergers children in your area. Join or form a social-skills group, which helps Aspergers children practice specific social skills within the context of a play group, field trip, or activity. Many Aspergers children desperately want to make friends and participate in social activities, but lack the direct understanding of how to do so. A social-skills group, made up of other children on the autism spectrum, is a safe place to learn and practice social skills without fear of rejection or ridicule.

3. Attend a concert.

4. Bake some cupcakes and deliver them to friends and family.

5. Bead some bracelets and sell them for charity.

6. Blow up balloons, put notes inside and let them go into the atmosphere.

7. Build a tree house.

8. Clean up a nature trail.

9. Create a web site or blog.

10. Donate some of the toys and clothes you no longer use.

11. Explore nature at a local park and take pictures of what you find to make a family scrapbook.

12. Fly a kite.

13. Go backpacking.

14. Go camping.

15. Go canoeing.

16. Go on a walk and take pictures of trees, flowers, dogs, etc.

17. Go to a ballgame.

18. Go to a museum.

19. Go without TV for a day.

20. Have a family game night.

21. Have a picnic.

22. Have a yard sale.

23. If you live in a larger metropolitan area, there may be day camps and other structured activities designed especially for children with Aspergers. These camps provide children with some of the same routines they are used to at school, while allowing them to participate in activities such as camping, swimming, arts and crafts, and other projects. Check with your child's teacher, case manager, or doctor for recommendations. Look for a day camp staffed by counselors that have had extensive training with ASD children. A counselor who has not been trained to work with Aspergers children may inadvertently trigger a meltdown, and not know how to handle one in progress. Be sure you and your child's doctor or therapist can meet with camp staff to go over strategies to make this a positive experience for your child.

24. Jump on a trampoline.

25. Learning does not have to stop just because school is out for summer. Build time into your child's daily or weekly schedule to research, experiment, and investigate a topic that interests him. If he loves video games, challenge him to design one of his own. If he is fascinated by insects, summer is a great time to begin (or add to) an insect collection. Before school is over, talk to your child about what he would like to learn more about, and begin collecting materials and planning activities to support his goals.

26. Make a bird feeder.

27. Make a bonfire and roast hotdogs and/or marsh mellows.

28. Make a collage from magazine words and pictures.

29. Make a movie.

30. Make a root beer float.

31. Make a scrapbook of everything you and your child do this summer.

32. Make dinner together.

33. Make homemade ice cream.

34. Make refreshing (and healthy) snacks like fruit smoothies and ice pops.

35. Order a pizza.

36. Plant something.

37. Set up a lemonade stand.

38. Sign up at your local library for their Summer Reading Program.

39. Sleep outside under the stars (when the weather is conducive to such an activity) using only a sleeping bag and a blow-up mattress.

40. Some Aspergers kids’ greatest sensory gains come from good old-fashioned trips to the pool. In addition to overcoming sensory issues in terms of water, you and your child can practice a lot of spatial activity with simple games of catch (e.g., with a wet, spongy nerf ball). As your child progress over some of the water issues, you may want to try water slides at your local water park.

41. Stargaze in your backyard, encouraging your kids to imagine what it would be like living on another planet.

42. Summer is the perfect time to visit local bouncer locations. “Pump It Up” is highly involved in ASD therapy bounces and has many "open" jumps on their calendar every week. Many parents see great sensory gains after a round on the giant bouncers. It's hard to call this "treatment" when it's fun for the whole family.

43. Take a boat ride.

44. Tie-dye some t-shirts.

45. Visit a farm.

46. Visit a National Park.

47. Visit the zoo.

48. Volunteer at the local animal or homeless shelter.

49. Walking and hiking can be great physical activities that your child may enjoy. However, if they have visual sensory issues, they may get vertigo if you try walking down a hill. Keep this in mind when selecting placing to walk at or hike.

50. You might find a non-profit organization near you that offers horseback riding as a therapy for special needs riders. Most moms and dads of ASD children immediately see the benefit that natural horseback riding provides in the "bouncing" and "crashing" movements that stimulate spatial relations.

Summer is a time for Aspergers children to take a breather from school and get their bearings. There are so many alternative therapies out there that thrive on outdoor, warm weather fun outside of a school setting. So get outside and have a great summer!
By

Oppositional Defiance in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"My 8 y.o. has been diagnosed with autism (high functioning) recently, and before that was diagnosed with ODD. When we have behavior problems with him, it's hard to know if the particular 'misbehavior' is driven by autism or by ODD. How do we tell the difference, and how do we approach the multitude of behavior issues we are having with him?"

Click here for the answer...
By
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

2024 Statistics of Autism in Chinese Children

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has emerged as a significant public health concern worldwide, and China is no exception. As of 2024, new rese...