Supporting Your Aspergers Child To Make Friends

FREE Resources for Parents with Aspergers Children and Teens

1. Aspergers Newsletter 
2. Aspergers Support Groups 
3. Videos: Parenting Aspergers Children 
4. Behavior Contracts for Aspergers Children 
5. Live Audio Recording of Mark Hutten's Seminars: Help with Aspergers Children and Oppositional Defiance 
6. Teaching Students With Asperger's Syndrome: Ebooks for Educators 
7. Aspergers/Autism: Special Needs Camps 
8. Social Stories for Aspergers and Autistic Children 
9. Aspergers Teen Chatroom 
10. Aspergers Psychiatric Journals 
11. Parent's Strategies A-Z 
12. Parenting Aspergers Children – Support Group on Facebook

The Misunderstood Child on the Autism Spectrum

Students with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) often display advanced abilities for their age in language, reading, mathematics, spatial skills, and music – sometimes into the "gifted" range. But this may be offset by significant delays in other developmental areas. This combination of characteristics can lead to problems with educators and other authority-figures.

Misunderstanding #1—

HFA and AS students are often regarded by educators as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The student’s low tolerance for what he perceives to be boring and mundane tasks (e.g., typical homework assignments) can easily become frustrating for the child, resulting in his refusal to complete certain tasks. Consequently, a teacher may well consider the  student on the autism spectrum to be arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate. This “misunderstanding” often results in a “power-struggle” between teacher and student, and in combination with the youngster's anxieties, can result in problematic behaviors (e.g., severe tantrums, violent and angry outbursts, withdrawal, school refusal, etc.).

Misunderstanding #2—

Two traits often found in children with the disorder are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the child’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by teachers and other students as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Misunderstanding #3—

An issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and control strong emotions (e.g., sadness, anger). This leaves the child prone to sudden emotional outbursts (e.g., crying, rage). The inability to express feelings using words may also predispose the "special needs" child to use physical acts (sometime violent in nature) to articulate his mood and release “emotional energy.” All of these traits may give teachers the impression that the child is simply “defiant” and “rebellious.”

Misunderstanding #4—

Children and teens on the spectrum often report a feeling of being “unwillingly detached” from the school/classroom environment. They often have difficulty making friends due to poor social skills. The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for these students. Accordingly, feeling incapable of winning and keeping friends, they prefer to engage in solitary activities. As a result, peers and teachers often view the HFA or AS child as “self-absorbed” and “narcissistic” – another unfair label.

Misunderstanding #5—

These kids may be overly literal and may have difficulty interpreting and responding to sarcasm, banter, or metaphorical speech. Difficulties with social interaction may also be manifest in a lack of play with peers. These problems can be severe or mild depending on the child. Due to their idiosyncratic behavior, precise language, unusual interests, and impaired ability to perceive and respond in socially expected ways to nonverbal cues – particularly in interpersonal conflict – HFA and AS students are often the target of bullying at school and branded as "odd," both by peers and by adults who don't understand the neurological deficit involved.

But here’s the good news...

There's an increase in how sensitive teachers and clinicians are to developmental learning styles. There are a lot of children that have social and communication problems and learning problems. They aren't retarded. There's been an effort to figure out if there are clusters of these children that fit together into diagnostic patterns.

Here are a few basic steps a teacher and parent can take to ensure the best possible educational experience for a child on the autism spectrum:

• Develop an Individual Education Plan (IEP) for the child. The parent, teacher, principal and the school's special education teachers should all be involved in the IEP’s development.

• Educate yourself on the many behavior modification resources that exist to help teach self-help and socialization skills to the student with HFA or AS.

• Have the student evaluated by his/her school's special education specialists.

• Make sure all adults working with the child know about his/her special needs.

• Read the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), the law that guarantees a right to an appropriate education for all children with disabilities.

• Understand the placement options available. A student with the disorder may do better in a regular classroom or in a special education environment.

These "special needs" students should have as many opportunities to interact as possible, such as speech therapy and socialization therapy. The ‘key’ that parents should keep in mind is this: Don't let anybody flatter you out of services. Don't let them say, “He's so smart! He doesn't need that!” If you think your child needs services, you can find them. The first place to go is your school district. And some parents will have to fight.

Parents need to think about where they want their youngster to be in 5 to 10 years. Parents should make sure that their child can set the table, fold his/her clothes, shower independently, make a can of soup, and so on. Often times, students on the spectrum are so smart that they never cross paths with teachers who would be focused on things like daily living and vocational skills – and these kids really suffer because of that.

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Autism Spectrum Disorders - The Critical Facts

Important facts that all parents with ASD children should know:

Adult Aspergers and Lack of Empathy

Question

I would really like to encourage you to keep writing for adults... I bet there are a ton of us out there, not diagnosed but living a hellish life trying to fit in... Having someone who understands me is refreshing to say the least...

I used to be a Pastor but I gave it up because I had no empathy for people... No feelings of sympathy or love... I have no feelings of love at all, so if you were to ask me if I love God, or love my mom, or my wife... I have no feeling so I would manufacture a response, so I have felt like a fraud and very uncaring and ashamed... I have admitted this to my wife, which had to be recanted because of her shock and pain: "You mean you don't love me??" And my response is: "Oh, no, I did not mean that... of course I have feelings of love for you!"

It’s a real problem because, how can I be truthful and at the same time not offend... Love is somewhat of a decision, not a feeling, for me... I no longer go to church because it’s a problem for me...

I also have a very tough time with sadness... when I approach crying, it is physically painful... I can't get the pain out... I feel sad, but it gets too intense and painful... Is this Normal for one with Aspergers?? Is there any way around it??

I would REALLY like to encourage and challenge you to keep writing for us adults... You truly have a gift... Trying to figure out my maleness, issues AND Aspergers is really really confusing, and painful...

Answer

Re: “I have no feeling so I would manufacture a response, so I have felt like a fraud and very uncaring and ashamed...”

I regularly recommend to men with Aspergers to pick prudent times to (a) tell white lies and (b) fake emotions when there are none.

Why would I recommend this for crying out loud?

Let’s use an example regarding white lies: Your wife asks, “Does my butt look big in this dress.” Your honest response might be, “No more than usual.”

BAM!!! You might as well just smack your wife in the face. Your “I have to be honest because I don’t want to be a fraud” philosophy just got you into big trouble.

Now, let’s try it again from the beginning: Your wife asks, “Does my butt look big in this dress.” Better to say, “No, not at all. I like your cute little butt.” Was that a line of bullshit? You better know it! And you just made your wife’s day.

Let’s use an example regarding “faking” emotions: Your mother-in-law has stayed with you and your wife for a 3-day visit. She has just left to catch her flight back to Arizona, and your wife states, “It sure was good to see mom. I wish we lived closer. I’m not going to see her again until Christmas …I’m going to miss her.” You say nothing! Right?

Poor choice on your part. Your silence just sent the message: “I don’t really care if I see her again or not.” Instead, you should assert, “Yes it was good to see her. I’m going to miss her sense of humor.” Do you really feel a sense of loss or sadness with your mother-in-law’s departure? I doubt it. But you just cheered-up your wife. And that’s a good thing.

Re: “Love is somewhat of a decision, not a feeling, for me...”

The same is true for the rest of us! Love is not a feeling. “Falling in love” and “love” are two different things.

Falling in love:

• can be a first step towards genuine love
• can be a flash of emotions
• if it is mutual and both people work at their relationship, can one day grow into genuine love
• is a strong instinctive attraction to a person
• is the call of one's longing to belong
• usually means falling in love with the person's appearance, with the way she walks, the way she talks; sometimes we impute to our object of love some ideal qualities, and the more we get to know the person, the less we “fall” for her (that's when the feeling of love disappears even faster than it appeared)

Genuine love on the other hand:

• implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom
• is a decision
• is a state of awareness
• is a way of being in the world
• is a way of seeing oneself and others
• is misunderstood to be an emotion
• is volitional rather than euphorically emotional

The concern and commitment to another's spiritual and emotional growth is the purest form of love. It is for this reason that commitment is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. The person who truly loves does so because of a “decision to love.” This person has made a commitment to “being a loving individual” – whether or not the “loving feelings” are present. It can be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions, but because true love is an “act of will” that transcends transient feelings of love, it can be said, "Love is as love does." Love and non-love, as good and evil, are objective and not purely subjective phenomena.

Re: “I can't get the pain out... I feel sad, but it gets too intense and painful... Is this Normal for one with Aspergers?? Is there any way around it??”

It is normal, but I would never recommend going “around it” – rather you should go “through it.” Without pain, there is no learning – no growth. It is this pain that is helping you develop emotional muscles and wisdom that you would never develop otherwise.

What did your mother tell you when you were young? She may have said something like, “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger.” You should listen to your mother.

==> Living with an Aspergers Partner: Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers