Help for Men with Aspergers: 90 Tips for Husbands

Question

You talked in your ebook about behavior modification... I need some tips on how to connect with my wife’s emotions... That is her big complaint... As you know I do not understand them, I don't recognize them when they arise in their many subtleties... She will usually begin an emotional outburst by accusing me of a generalization like: "You NEVER take me out anymore!" I get defensive cause in my mind. I took her out last year, and as you aptly pointed out in your book, my main emotion is: ANGER. The fight then escalates to me leaving and not talking to her for a day or more...

Answer

Males and females approach problems with similar goals but with different considerations. While males and females can solve problems equally well, their approach and their process are often quite different. For most females, sharing and discussing a problem presents an opportunity to explore, deepen or strengthen the relationship with the person they are talking with. Women are usually more concerned about how problems are solved than merely solving the problem itself. For females, solving a problem can profoundly impact whether they feel closer and less alone or whether they feel distant and less connected. The process of solving a problem can strengthen or weaken a relationship. Most males are less concerned and do not feel the same as females when solving a problem.

Males approach problems in a very different manner than females. For most males, solving a problem presents an opportunity to demonstrate their competence, their strength of resolve, and their commitment to a relationship. How the problem is solved is not nearly as important as solving it effectively and in the best possible manner. Males have a tendency to dominate and to assume authority in a problem solving process. They set aside their feelings provided the dominance hierarchy was agreed upon in advance and respected. They are often distracted and do not attend well to the quality of the relationship while solving problems.

Some of the more important differences between males and females can be illustrated by observing groups of young teenage boys and groups of young teenage girls when they attempt to find their way out of a maze. A group of boys generally establish a hierarchy or chain of command with a leader who emerges on his own or through demonstrations of ability and power. Boys explore the maze using scouts while remaining in distant proximity to each other. Groups of girls tend to explore the maze together as a group without establishing a clear or dominant leader. Relationships tend to be co-equal. Girls tend to elicit discussion and employ "collective intelligence" to the task of discovering a way out. Girls tend to work their way through the maze as a group. Boys tend to search and explore using structured links and a chain of command.

While males and females can reach similar conclusions and make similar decisions, the process they use can be quite different and in some cases can lead to entirely different outcomes. In general, males and females consider and process information differently.

Females tend to be intuitive global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements in the task in terms of their inter-connectedness. Females come to understand and consider problems all at once. They take a broad or "collective" perspective, and they view elements in a task as interconnected and interdependent. Females are prone to become overwhelmed with complexities that "exist", or may exist, and may have difficulty separating their personal experience from problems.

Males tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. They have an enhanced ability to separate themselves from problems and minimize the complexity that may exist. Males come to understand and consider problems one piece at a time. They take a linear or sequential perspective, and view elements in a task as less interconnected and more independent. Males are prone to minimize and fail to appreciate subtleties that can be crucial to successful solutions. A male may work through a problem repeatedly, talking about the same thing over and over, rather than trying to address the problem all at once.

While there are differences in the ways that males and females think, it must be emphasized that they can and do solve problems in a similar manner. There are no absolutes, only tendencies.

Females have an enhanced ability to recall memories that have strong emotional components. They can also recall events or experiences that have similar emotions in common. Females are very adept at recalling information, events or experiences in which there is a common emotional theme. Males tend to recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the experience in terms of elements, tasks or activities that took place. Profound experiences that are associated with competition or physical activities are more easily recalled. There appears to be a structural and chemical basis for observed memory differences. For instance, the hippocampus, the area in the brain primarily responsible for memory, reacts differently to testosterone in males and it reacts differently to changing levels of estrogen and progesterone in females. Females tend to remember or be reminded of different "emotional memories" and content to some extent as part of their menstrual cycle.

There is evidence to suggest that a great deal of the sensitivity that exists within males and females has a physiological basis. It has been observed that is many cases, females have an enhanced physical alarm response to danger or threat. Their autonomic and sympathetic systems have a lower threshold of arousal and greater reactivity than males. In both males and females, higher levels of testosterone directly affect the aggressive response and behavior centers of the brain. Increasing estrogen and progesterone in males has a "feminizing" effect. Sexually aggressive males become less focused on sexual aggressive behavior and content when they are given female hormones. On the other hand, changing estrogen and progesterone levels in females during menstrual cycles can produce a "flood" of memories as well as strong emotions. Increasing or high levels of testosterone can produce an emotional insensitivity, empathic block and increased indifference to the distress others.

At the heart of sensitivity is our capacity to form, appreciate and maintain relationships that are rewarding. Even here there are important differences. For males, what demonstrates a solid relationship is quite different from that of most females. Males feel closer and validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports, competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities that are decidedly active and physical. While both males and females can appreciate and engage in these activities, they often have preferential differences. Females, on the other hand, feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many males tend to find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming.

How A Man With Aspergers Can Connect With His Wife’s Emotions—

1. Allow your wife to express herself freely, without fear of being called illogical or dumb.

2. Allow her to teach you things without being defensive.

3. Ask her and then listen to what makes her fearful and insecure (without judging).

4. Be a good listener. Show your wife you value what she says.

5. Be careful to choose your words, especially when angry.

6. Be especially helpful when she is not feeling well.

7. Be helpful and cooperative, both before and during the time you have other people over to your home. 

8. Be sensitive enough to ask your wife if you offend or hurt her sexually in any way.

9. Be supportive. For example, help your wife to finish her education and goals that are important to her.

10. Be sympathetic when she’s sick—and help her however you can.

11. Be verbally supportive and honor your wife in front of the children.

12. Brag about your wife to others, both in front of her and when she is not with you.

13. Call, email or text your wife when you’re apart so she knows you are thinking of her.

14. Communicate with your wife instead of talking AT her or shutting her out emotionally.

15. Compliment your wife for the giftedness you see in her. Be specific.

16. Consider your wife as your marital partner in how you spend money.

17. Continue to court your wife. You dated her before marriage, which helped you to fall in love, now date her to STAY in love.

18. Defend your wife to others—especially to your family.

19. Do something active together to lift her spirit —even taking a walk hand-in-hand.

20. Don’t belittle her intelligence.

21. Don’t criticize your wife in front of others—keeping her dignity intact.

22. Don’t embarrass your wife by arguing with her in front of others.

23. Don’t focus on the physical features of another woman (because, whether you understand her reasoning or not, that can make your spouse feel dishonored).

24. Don’t forget to hold her hand in public like you used to when you dated her.

25. Don’t ignore the small things that bother your wife and let them build into bigger issues.

26. Don’t negatively compare her relatives with yours.

27. Don’t tease and belittle your wife, saying “I was just joking” when she doesn’t find it funny.

28. Encourage your wife to relax in some way while you clean up after dinner.

29. Exhibit humility, admit your mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. She’ll appreciate that.

30. Express to your wife that you need and value her.

31. Express your love and appreciation for your wife in a love note which you give to her.

32. Find out what her sexual needs are (and then try to fulfill them).

33. Find something that makes you laugh together.

34. Find ways to help your wife know you are her partner in all areas life.

35. Fix dinner for your wife sometimes.

36. Give your wife grace when she offends you – and forgive (even as you want to be forgiven).

37. Give your wife the love gift of being thoughtful and considerate to her relatives.

38. Give your wife your undivided attention when she wants to talk.

39. Go out of your way to help your wife feel valued over everyone else.

40. Go shopping with your wife and don’t sigh or look at what time it is even once.

41. Guard your tongue from saying “unwholesome words” or down-grading her.

42. Hold your wife close and verbally express your love when she is hurt or discouraged.

43. Honor your wife by not disagreeing with her in front of the children.

44. Keep her trust at all costs. Leave no gray area when it comes to other female relationships, money and your word.

45. Keep yourself in as good of shape as is reasonable so she’s proud to be with you.

46. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s.

47. Maintain good grooming habits so you look and smell good. It shows you care.

48. Make a point of honoring anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.

49. Make eye contact when she is talking to you and when you are talking with her.

50. Make it a point to write a mission statement together for your marriage and family.

51. Make sure she has money each paycheck to spend any way she would choose.

52. Make sure the children speak to your wife and treat her in respectful ways.

53. Make the time to set specific goals with your wife to achieve together for each year.

54. Plan a mini-honeymoon, where the two of you can spend quality time together.

55. Pray about and act upon what you can do to alleviate any fears.

56. Put your arms around your wife when she needs comfort, holding her silently.

57. Refuse to compare your wife unfavorably with others.

58. Relate what happened at work or whatever you did apart from her.

59. Remember to tell your wife or call her as soon as you know you are going to be late.

60. Run errands without complaining.

61. Scratch her back, rub her feet, or her rub her neck—whatever she’d prefer.

62. Share the responsibilities around the house (without looking for special recognition).

63. Show affection for your wife in front of friends.

64. Show enthusiasm for the things that she’s excited about—let your actions show it.

65. Show your wife affection without sexual intentions.

66. Show your wife that she matters more to you than any activity you could do, or any one you could be with, that somehow threatens her sense of security in your marriage.

67. Show your wife that you prefer her to others—give her your attention whenever possible.

68. Show your wife you are her marital partner by not making plans without her knowing and agreeing with them (unless it’s a surprise for her).

69. Show interest in her friends and give her time to be with them.

70. Show interest in that which she values as important in her life.

71. Sit close to your wife —even when you are just watching television.

72. Start - and end - each day with a kiss.

73. Stay away from web sites, chat rooms or anything that gives you sexual gratification from anyone other than your spouse.

74. Surprise your wife by asking her to give you a list of 3 things she’d like done around the house within the next month. And then make it your goal to do them.

75. Surprise your wife by doing some things around the house that she’s wanted done.

76. Surprise your wife by doing something you think she would want done before she asks.

77. Surprise your wife by giving her a special gift from time to time.

78. Surprise your wife by suggesting a marriage seminar or weekend retreat you can attend together to deepen your marital relationship.

79. Surprise your wife from time-to-time with a card and flowers or a little gift.

80. Surprise your wife with a 15 second kiss (with no expectations to go any further).

81. Take your wife out to breakfast or make her breakfast (cleaning up afterward).

82. Take the time to touch every day—even if it’s only for a minute or two.

83. Talk to your wife respectfully without demeaning her or hurting her feelings.

84. Tell your wife (and show her) you love her often.

85. Thank God for your wife by name when the two of you are praying together.

86. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.

87. Try not to make sudden changes without discussing them with her first.

88. View and treat your wife as if God put a sign over her that said, “Make me feel special.”

89. When you feel you must correct your wife, be gentle —speaking the truth in LOVE. Allow her to teach you things without being defensive.

90. When you’ve been apart for a time and she asks how your day went, don’t just say “fine” — actually give her details.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

When You Get Non-Stop Questions from Your AS or HFA Child

Question

My 5 year old son with autism (high functioning)  has just started asking non-stop questions. I know that questions are a normal part of development, especially at this age, but his are EXTREME (one after another, questions upon questions, questions about the answers.... it is exhausting). By the end of the day, my head is just pounding from attempting to answer his questions, and if I don't answer them, it escalates into a meltdown. I don't know what to do and I feel like we are both losing our minds, and losing control of the situation. Any advice?

Answer

This is a common occurrence among children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (AS). Here's an idea that has worked for other parents. Give it a try:

Set up a “question-and-answer time” (e.g., after dinner). This is a time where you’re going to sit down with your son for 5 to 15 minutes – and that’s his time to ask questions. You may even instruct him to keep a journal so he can keep track of questions and write them down. So, something goes into his “questions journal,” and then during question-and-answer time, you take the time to explain things to him.

The great thing about the use of question-and-answer time is, if he starts asking questions at 3:00 PM, you can say, “Write that in your questions journal please, and we’ll talk about it at question-and-answer time.” In this way, you get a way to defer the question and do what is called a “redirect.” You are effectively redirecting him to another task (writing) instead of the task of asking questions.

NOTE: He doesn’t actually have to write down the entire question …just a word of two that will jog his memory. For example, if he starts asking questions about birds, redirect him to write the word “birds” in his questions journal. Also, get him a very cool-looking journal—one that he will be proud of. He can decorate it with stickers – or whatever.

==> Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

The Aspergers Questionnaire

The following questionnaire is designed to identify behaviors and abilities indicative of Aspergers (high functioning autism) during the child’s primary school years. This is the age at which the unusual pattern of behavior and abilities is most conspicuous. 

Answer the following with ‘yes’ or ‘no’:

1. Does the youngster appear unaware of social conventions or codes of conduct and make inappropriate actions and comments (e.g., making a personal comment to someone but the youngster seems unaware of how the comment could offend)?

2. Does the youngster become unduly upset by changes in routine or expectation (e.g., is distressed by going to school by a different route)?

3. Does the youngster develop elaborate routines or rituals that must be completed (e.g., lining up toys before going to bed)?

4. Does the youngster have a lack of sensitivity to low levels of pain?

5. Does the youngster have a tendency to flap or rock when excited or distressed?

6. Does the youngster have an exceptional long-term memory for events and facts (e.g., remembering the neighbor's car registration of several years ago, or clearly recalling scenes that happened many years ago)?

7. Does the youngster have an odd gait when running?

8. Does the youngster have an unusual tone of voice (e.g., seems to have a "foreign" accent or monotone that lacks emphasis on key words)?

9. Does the youngster have poor motor coordination (e.g., is not skilled at catching a ball)?

10. Does the youngster have problems repairing a conversation (e.g., when he is confused, he does not ask for clarification but simply switches to a familiar topic, or takes a very long time to think of a reply)?

11. Does the youngster have unusual facial grimaces or tics?

12. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to light touch on skin or scalp?

13. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to noisy crowded places (e.g., supermarkets)?

14. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to ordinary sounds (e.g., electrical appliances)?

15. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to seeing certain objects?

16. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to unexpected noises?

17. Does the youngster have unusual fear or distress due to wearing particular items of clothing?

18. Does the youngster lack an understanding of how to play with other kids (e.g., unaware of the unwritten rules of social play)?

19. Does the youngster lack the intuitive understanding of another person's feelings (e.g., not realizing an apology would help the other person feel better)?

20. Does the youngster lack precision in his or her expression of emotion (e.g., not understanding the levels of emotional expression appropriate for different people)?

21. Does the youngster lack social imaginative play (e.g., other kids are not included in the youngster's imaginary games, or the youngster is confused by the pretend games of other kids)?

22. Does the youngster lack subtlety in his or her expression of emotion (e.g., the youngster shows distress or affection out of proportion to the situation)?

23. Does the youngster need an excessive amount of reassurance, especially if things are changed or go wrong?

24. Does the youngster read books primarily for information, not seeming to be interested in fictional works (e.g., being an avid reader of encyclopedias and science books, but not keen on adventure stories)?

25. Does the youngster seem to expect other people to know his thoughts, experiences and opinions?

26. Does the youngster take a literal interpretation of comments (e.g., is confused by phrases such as "pull your socks up," "looks can kill" or "hop on the scales")?

27. Have you had a ‘gut feeling’ that your youngster’s behavior was “different” compared to other kids?

28. Is the youngster fascinated by a particular topic and avidly collects information or statistics on that interest (e.g., becomes a walking encyclopedia of knowledge on vehicles, maps or league tables)?

29. Is the youngster indifferent to peer pressure (e.g., does not follow the latest craze in toys or clothes)?

30. Is the youngster not interested in participating in competitive sports, games and activities?

31. Is the youngster's speech over-precise or pedantic (e.g., talks in a formal way or like a walking dictionary)?

32. Was the youngster late in acquiring speech?

33. When free to play with other kids at school, does the youngster avoid social contact with them (e.g., finds a secluded place or goes to the library)?

34. When in a conversation, does the youngster tend to use less eye contact than you would expect?

35. When taking to the youngster, does he or she appear uninterested in your side of the conversation (e.g., not asking about or commenting on your thoughts or opinions on the topic)?

If the answer is yes to the majority of the questions above, it does not automatically suggest your youngster has Aspergers; however, it is a possibility – and a referral for a diagnostic assessment is warranted.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Behavior Modification Plan for Your Aspergers or HFA Child

A short-term behavior modification plan can break through a cycle of bad behavior in your Aspergers (AS) or High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) youngster. Think of it as a learning tool to help him move forward to a new level of social development. Four to six weeks on the plan is usually enough to change one or two specific behavior problems. At the very least, your youngster will have a clear understanding of your expectations for his behavior, even if he is not yet able to consistently maintain the desirable behavior.

Click here for full article...

Aspergers and HFA Children Who Refuse To Go To School

Question

"My son J___ has been "playing hooky" since he suddenly became afraid of going to school. Before then he attended grammar school (pre-university). He was very young when he went there (11, skipped one class) and failed the 1st year, passed the next 1st year and then failed the 2nd year. He had to leave school. The next 2 efforts at other (lower level) schools failed miserably. I think his self-confidence was shot.

We also experienced an extremely turbulent family life. All sorts of governmental institutions became involved, and after oodles of interviews and tests they concluded that a) I'm a threat to my son, b) he has to be placed outside the home and c) he has to go back to school at all costs. This also included reporting him for a court appearance.

J___ has indicated he only feels safe at home and has recently been diagnosed with Asperger/PDD-NOS. He has, in any case, trouble with adhering to the rules of society. I'm afraid I might be at fault there, as I don't really fit in either.

He wants to learn, I ordered a home school study for him and he went through it like a hot knife through butter until he reached the mandatory literature part. He can't do it, he says. They now want him to go through a day treatment plan and place him in a special school. J___ has indicated he will run away as he doesn't want to be treated as a retard (his words).

Why am I reaching out to you? English is my dominant language and I tend to think in it. I'm also looking for a neutral, objective second opinion as well as support in helping my son. Because despite what the Dutch organisations say, I do want to help my son, just not by making him march to the music and be miserable.

Last week I asked a child psychologist what she would have done with a young Einstein and she told me I was a 'smart allic' (OK, she might have a point there). Basically the intention is to medicate J___ up the kazoo, place him outside the home and take parental rights away from me because I'm the threat. I view this differently (obviously) as I have managed to steer him through 'normal' schools for nearly his complete school period. In my opinion this has benefitted him more, and has exposed him to more opportunities and information then if he had been secluded in special education from an early age. No, I'm not bashing the special education system, but it's just not for J___.

What would I like from you? Maybe some ideas and thoughts on how to teach J___ to deal with his problems and get a handle on things. My partner and I don't think it's a problem if he 'hangs around' for several more years, we always tend to look after vulnerable and defenseless critters (my partner works at a sheltered workshop, and he himself has dyslexia; we know about so-called hurdles).

This will sound very jumbled and it's a lot of information. Sorry about that. Think you might be able to help? At least think along on how to approach matters in order to help J___? I'd appreciate any feedback (and please don't say you can't help me because I'm in The Netherlands)."

Answer

Re: “afraid of going to school…”

There is a big difference between truancy (skipping school to have fun doing other things) and school refusal (fear of circumstances at school). I think you were blamed for your son being “truant” …but he’s not a truant.

Most Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children, at some time in their school career, are challenged by anxiety. School phobia (known to professionals as school refusal), a complex and extreme form of anxiety about going to school (but not of the school itself as the name suggests), can have many causes and can include related anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia and selective mutism.

Symptoms include:

• a racing heart

• fatigue

• frequent trips to the toilet

• nausea

• shaking

• stomachaches

Young children on the autism spectrum (up to age 7 or 8) with school phobia experience separation anxiety and cannot easily contemplate being parted from their parents, whereas older kids (8 plus) are more likely to have it take the form of social phobia where they are anxious about their performance in school (such as in games or in having to read aloud or answer questions in class).

Aspergers and HFA children with anxieties about going to school may suffer a panic attack if forced which then makes them fear having another panic attack and there is an increasing spiral of worry with which parents often do not know how to deal.

Going to school for the first time is a period of great anxiety for very young kids. Many will be separated from their parents for the first time, or will be separated all day for the first time. This sudden change can make them anxious and they may suffer from separation anxiety. They are also probably unused to having the entire day organized for them and may be very tired by the end of the day – causing further stress and making them feel very vulnerable.

For older children on the spectrum who are not new to the school, who have had a long summer break or have had time off because of illness, returning to school can be quite traumatic. They may no longer feel at home there. Their friendships might have changed. Their teacher and classroom might have changed. They may have got used to being at home and closely looked after by a parent, suddenly feeling insecure when all this attention is removed; and suddenly they are under the scrutiny of their teachers again.

Other children on the spectrum may have felt unwell on the school bus or in school and associate these places with further illness and symptoms of panic, and so want to avoid them in order to avoid panicky symptoms and panic attacks fearing, for example, vomiting, fainting or having diarrhea. Other kids may have experienced stressful events.

Possible triggers for school phobia include:

1. Being bullied.
2. Being off school for a long time through illness or because of a holiday.
3. Being unpopular, being chosen last for teams and feeling a physical failure (in games and gymnastics).
4. Bereavement (of a person or pet).
5. Fearing panic attacks when traveling to school or while in school.
6. Feeling an academic failure.
7. Feeling threatened by the arrival of a new baby.
8. Having a traumatic experience such as being abused, being raped, having witnessed a tragic event.
9. Moving to a new area and having to start at a new school and make new friends or just changing schools.
10. Not having good friends (or any friends at all).
11. Problems at home such as a member of the family being very ill.
12. Problems at home such as marital rows, separation and divorce.
13. Starting school for the first time.
14. Violence in the home or any kind of abuse; of the youngster or of another parent.

Children with Asperger Syndrome need to be dealt with differently to kids without the syndrome as, for example, teaching them relaxation techniques can actually make them more anxious.

A common strategy in dealing with school refusal in Aspergers and HFA children is to switch to a home school environment. However, home schooling a child with the disorder is completely different than educating a non-autistic child. 

Here is a summary plan:

• The child can only grow to be fully functioning if he first experiences a fully functional home life. Fighting, crying and meltdowns do not positively contribute to a functional home. The child functions best when conflict is removed, so ALWAYS remove conflict and remain flexible.

• Meltdowns are worse for the child than they are for you. Remain calm and use the child's logic, obsessive compulsiveness and anger as a learning experience. Shutting your ears is tantamount to saying you know everything and are a superior person.

• Nobody can accuse you of being a bad mother. By designing education around the need of your child you are being the best mother you can be. Most people will be grateful that their children do not have the disorder.

• Nobody can read your mind. Think abusive thoughts but NEVER say them because they will destroy the child's confidence and reinforce further unacceptable behavior and school refusal.

• Short term goals are not time specific. They can be revisited and strengthened at any stage. Know that the goals can be re-met if you do things differently.

• Teachable moments are everywhere. School does not have to represent that which we know as beneficial for us. School is everywhere and learning occurs best without stress.

• What I value as important is not important to the child or his development. Allow him to explore that which he is highly interested in, even if it has no recognizable educational value to you.

• When you reign in and block outsiders from coming to your home and adding over stimulus, remember that it will only be for a short time while the child reaches emotional and social equilibrium again. Email and on-line support groups produce no over stimulus to the child and are there 24 hours per day. Use them.

• Work through obsessions. On days when the child is focused on issues not included in the home school learning areas, it is acceptable to investigate the child's obsessions. These are teachable moments that will otherwise be lost.

• You are a team, a package, a caring parent. Team work means working together to get the best result. Work with the child, not against him.

• You can only recognize a bad day because you have first had good days to measure against. Things do improve. Hasten improvement by reducing conflict and grabbing whatever teachable moments you can.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns at Home and School