Preference for Bland Foods in Aspergers Children

Question

My 7-year-old Aspergers son will only eat bland food. Is this normal?

Answer

It really depends on the child. Aspergers (high functioning autism) children have different preferences just like anyone else. A common feature among Aspergers kids is that they do tend to only like a limited number of foods – or foods may need to be prepared and served the same way every time.

Aspergers kids often have sensory issues (e.g., being over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, etc.). If taste is one of the senses that is affected, the child may be under-sensitive and thus prefer strong flavors (e.g., spiciness, tartness), or the child may be over-sensitive and thus prefer bland flavors. Also, sensitivity to smell can make the Aspergers child prefer foods that have very little odor, and sensitivity to touch could make the child prefer foods that have a certain texture. So, sensory issues can affect food choice on multiple levels.

Some Aspergers children can develop food fetishes (e.g., only eating beige-colored foods or foods with creamy textures). And some may develop chewing or sucking fetishes, and as a result, they might constantly chew or suck on pens, pencils or certain clothing.

A child’s taste tends to change over the years, so if your son limits himself to just a few tolerable food items, know that he will probably branch out and try/enjoy other foods eventually. One mother reported that about the only thing her Aspie child would eat was cereal – and only one kind of cereal at that!  But by the time her son was around 10-years-old, he was eating a variety of meats, veggies and fruits. So, don’t despair!

It becomes a challenge for parents to make sure their Aspergers child gets proper nutrition. One trick that works for some parents is to change the texture of a despised food. For example, if your child will not eat vegetables, try serving vegetable soup. If he refuses apple juice, try apple slices. Most professionals believe that the less you indulge food fetishes, the less entrenched they become. For example, if an Aspergers child creates a rule that "no food can touch my plate other than the one or two food items I’m going to eat" -- it can easily become a lifelong rule if parents do not intervene.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I have found my son has grown out of it and will now eat a much more varied diet.
•    Anonymous said... Mine 8 year old son will eat hot dogs and it MUST have Mayo, ketchup and mustard. If there is relish he will do that as well. Strange kid. We dont give our boys much of a chance. I guess we are old fashion they eat what is on there plates. My 8 year old does fight us more then the 9 year old.
•    Anonymous said... Mine ate Pieroghies, Mac and cheese, French fries, and plain cheese burgers no bun for 6 years! But she also liked strong flavors like flaming hot cheetos, broccoli, and chicken curry. There was no in between! Now that she is 10 and has been on Seroquel there is little she won't eat!
•    Anonymous said... Plain pasta, plain rice, cheese and bread, thats what my boy lives on.
•    Anonymous said... possibly an instinctive reaction to over-flavoured food, plain food is actually quite nice, if you're over-sensitive to salt and sugar, trying fresh or even raw veg will not harm your kids, in fact, it might be better for them in the long run, don't bother with trying to get them to have multi-vitamins as these often contain sweeteners which can cause more subtle problems in the brain if your child is sensitive to them, try the food your great grandparents ate, plain porridge, meat and veg etc, I certainly found cutting the additives, sweeteners and flavourings made a difference to my son's behaviour and mood swings.

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“Aspergers” or “High-Functioning Autism” – What Should We Call It?

According to a panel of researchers assembled by the American Psychiatric Association, Aspergers is really just a form of autism and does not merit a separate diagnosis. Even though many researchers already refer to Aspergers as “high-functioning autism,” it hasn't been listed under the autism category in the official diagnostic guide of mental disorders (i.e., Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, or DSM). The DSM serves as a guide for mental health professionals and government agencies.

But a new draft fifth edition moves Aspergers officially into the autism category, provoking a wide range of responses among individuals with Aspergers — some of whom say they do not want to be labeled as autistic. Instead of including a diagnostic category for Aspergers, the DSM 5 draft includes traits associated with Aspergers (e.g., difficulty with social interactions, limited/repetitive behaviors) in a broad category called autism spectrum disorder.

The intent is to try to make the diagnosis of autism clearer and to better reflect the science. But the change is going to be hard for some “Aspies” who are probably going to have a very hard time calling themselves autistic.

Many people with Aspergers take pride in a diagnosis that probably describes some major historical figures (e.g., Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison). Under the new system, those individuals would represent just one extreme of a spectrum. On the other extreme is somebody who might have to wear adult diapers and maybe a head-restraining device. This may be very hard for some Aspies to swallow.

Currently, the diagnosis of Aspergers often hinges on a child's language skills. But that's pretty subjective and can change as a child grows up. The categories are just not used by clinicians in a reliable fashion, according to the research panel. A single category for autism spectrum disorder will let clinicians stop agonizing over which diagnostic category to put someone in and focus on his/her specific difficulties with communication, social interaction, or information processing.

The change makes a lot of sense to some people. As one parent stated, “As somebody who has a child with a diagnosis of autism, I want to be able to turn to the official criteria and see a description that sounds like my child. Right now my child sounds like three or four different disorders.”

Eliminating the "Aspergers" diagnosis won't mean that individuals in that category will lose access to services, though. That's because almost anybody with an Aspergers diagnosis also could qualify for what is called autistic disorder. The change could make it easier for some mothers/fathers to get help for a youngster with Aspergers.

Currently, states including California provide services to kids with autism – but not those with Aspergers. So removing Aspergers really removes what is a false barrier to a parent getting care for his/her child.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Sensory and Motor Problems in Aspergers Children

In 1944 Hans Asperger, an Austrian physician, described a group of children with normal intelligence that had significant problems in social engagement, unusual and/or restricted interest, and an abnormally strong dislike for particular touch sensations (e.g., the feel of the texture of some clothes). These children could not tolerate the roughness of new clothes or of mended socks. Bathing and having their nails cut were also times of tantrums and stress.

Hans Asperger further mentions extreme sensitivity to noise, but at other times the children would also appear to be under responsive to auditory input. He describes an incident where a child appeared to have an unusual response to pain and was said to be “thrilled” when he obtained a wound needing medical attention. Alternately, this same child was described as fearful of falling out of his chair and of fast moving vehicles on the road.

The prevalence of motor problems in Aspergers children ranges from 50% to 85%. So, at least half of children diagnosed with Aspergers will have some form of motor problem. These problems can involve both fine motor tasks (involves skills of the hands) and gross motor tasks (activities such as walking, running, postural control etc.).

Although the defining characteristics of Aspergers are problems in social engagement and restricted interests, it is apparent that motor and sensory problems can also have a major impact on functioning. Poor motor skills may limit a youngster from engaging in the typical activities of his peers. His peers may also tease him because he is awkward or clumsy. Difficulty putting thoughts on paper because of physical problems with writing can make school work a nightmare. Aspergers kids may also use excessive or unusual motor behaviors to help provide sensory information that may make them feel more comfortable.

Sensory problems, particularly those related to auditory and tactile sensitivity, can also increase the social isolation of an Aspergers youngster. The young person may avoid groups and have difficulty in noisy environments (e.g., a birthday party). Rage or meltdown behaviors to sensory events that are overwhelming to the child can occur. These behaviors may be misinterpreted by parents as purely a lack of control – or a child who just “needs more discipline.” The youngster does needs to learn strategies to control rage and meltdown behaviors, but an understanding of the possible triggers for these behaviors and an appreciation for the extra effort he must exert to control himself can make discipline more efficient and effective for both the youngster and parent.

There are several steps necessary in an assessment of sensory motor problems in Aspergers kids. The overall assessment process will be different depending on the age of the child and whether he is assessed in a school, hospital or private facility.

The first step in an assessment procedure is identification of the presenting problem. Parents who suspect that their child has a problem are usually the ones who participate in this first step. Parents should trust their instincts if they think there is a problem. They should observe and then document their youngster’s behaviors. Documentation is recommended for both the problematic behaviors and the positive behaviors exhibited by the youngster. An easy chart can be used for this purpose. After completing the chart, the parent may be better equipped to notice patterns and describe problems when she is ready to make the referral to a trained professional in the field of sensory integration dysfunction.

If the process of documentation is not the chosen method to help with identification, the parent can directly discuss her concerns with trusted specialists and professionals (e.g., teachers, pediatricians, day care providers, etc.) who know her child well. The parent can also contact a local agency that employs pediatric occupational therapists to discuss problems and whether a referral for a sensory motor assessment is appropriate.

Once the problems are identified, parents have several choices. They can take the “wait and see” approach; however, this approach is not advisable if there is a probability that sensory motor problems get in the way of the child’s everyday activities – life may only get more difficult.

Some professionals suggest trying to improve the youngster’s “sensory diet” before doing an assessment. A sensory diet would involve adding sensory activities to the youngster’s daily routine in order to help him achieve a more optimal level of alertness and attention, as well as to reduce stress. Developing an effective sensory diet that specifically addresses problems might best be developed with assistance from an occupational therapist that has knowledge and experience with Aspergers, as well as an in-depth understanding of the youngster. Sensory diet programs are usually provided after the assessment of sensory motor problems is complete. A sensory diet should not be a replacement for direct intervention.

Examples of Sensory Diet Planning—

-Behavior: Hand flapping

-Sensory Explanation: Seeking heavy work to muscles and joints

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide fiddle toys; perform chair or wall push-ups; wear a weighted vest or blanket

-Behavior: Visual Stimulation such as finger flicking in front of eyes; over-focusing on small toys; moving eyes in odd ways

-Sensory Explanation: Multi-sensory sensitivity; Decreased vestibular processing; Difficulties with visual perception

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide strong, varied movement input; limit extraneous visual stimuli; Perform activities that couple vision with movement: i.e. targeting from a swing

-Behavior: Excessive mouthing and chewing on non-food objects

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased proprioceptive processing, especially to the mouth; Decreased tactile discrimination, especially in the mouth

-Sensory Diet Activity: Use resistive chewy toys that the person can chew on; Use a mini-massager to the mouth area; Provide chewy and crunchy foods; Try using strong flavors such as lemon, peppermint, and cinnamon

-Behavior: Rocking in chair or seat

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased vestibular processing; decreased proprioceptive processing; strong need for rhythm

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide a therapy ball to sit on; Provide movement breaks throughout the day; Sing rhythmical songs while person is swinging or moving; Provide a move and sit cushion or wedge for the seat (found in therapy catalogues and stores).

-Behavior: Head banging and Ear flicking

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased vestibular and proprioceptive processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Allow regular use of a therapy ball or mini-trampoline; Provide opportunities for strong movement throughout the day; Do chair/wall push-ups; Have client engage in activities that provide strong vestibular and proprioceptive input such as swimming, skiing, hiking, biking, sailing, swinging, rock climbing, etc.

-Behavior: Humming or other vocalizations

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased proprioceptive and vestibular processing; Decreased auditory processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Mini-massager to mouth, face and ear; Blow toys such as whistles and bubbles; Wear a walkman with calming music

-Behavior: Smelling and sniffing

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased gustatory and olfactory processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide strong flavors such as lemon, peppermint, and cinnamon

-Behavior: Spinning Self

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased vestibular processing (especially in the rotary plane)

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide very strong rotary input on a sit and spin; vary the direction and speed of movement on swings; hold hands with person while they spin in circles

-Behavior: Complains about clothing, hair washing, finger nail cutting, and the texture of food

-Sensory Explanation: Tactile defensiveness

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide deep touch pressure to the whole body through wrapping the person tightly in a sheet or blanket; engaging in a therapeutic brushing program (monitored in direct intervention); give squeezes in between pillows; cut tags out of clothes; buy seamless socks; stick to all-cotton fabrics; give strong touch input to shoulders when giving a haircut or cutting nails; lotion massages

-Behavior: Poor eye contact

-Sensory Explanation: Visual defensiveness or sensitivity

-Sensory Diet Activity: Reduce extraneous visual stimuli; Allow person to finish talking or listening before making eye contact; show person pictures of people that will be at a party or event ahead of time if possible to help them become acquainted with a variety of faces; provide strong vestibular input and encourage interaction during the movement

-Behavior: Difficulty maintaining personal space

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased proprioceptive and vestibular processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide a cushion or carpet square that delineates the person’s space; have person stand at the end of the line in school; Provide strong all-over-body proprioceptive input; Provide strong movement input on swings, sit and spin, ziplines, etc.

-Behavior: Voice volume is either too high or too low

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased auditory processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Tape record the person’s voice to give them feedback regarding volume; provide blow toys such as whistles and bubbles; listen to rhythmical, calming music over headphones

-Behavior: Irrational fear of heights; strong aversion to movement; car-sickness

-Sensory Explanation: Decreased visual and vestibular processing

-Sensory Diet Activity: Provide chewy foods or candies in the car; Lemon drops and ginger snaps can help nausea; Provide a safe place for the person to try climbing or moving without other people present; couple vestibular activities with heavy work and stay in close proximity to person while they are moving

Once it’s clear that the problem is likely a sensory and/or motor problem, it’s important to refer to an occupational therapist to complete the screening and/or assessment. Possible sources for locating a specialist include:

• American Occupational Therapy Association

• occupational therapists in early intervention or public schools

• occupational therapy department of the local children’s hospital

• private practitioners listed in the telephone directory

Poor Sensory Processing in Aspergers Children—

When the child has a “low arousal” level, the nervous system has a decreased reaction to the sensory input coming in and therefore doesn’t react or respond as quickly, or at all, to the input. Children with low arousal level find it hard to remain alert and focused, tend to seek out a lot of input in order to better register and respond to it. They may be hard to motivate and get moving, or may be in perpetual motion.

Children with a “high arousal” level often respond to sensory stimuli with a strong response, frequently a fight/flight/fright response. They may flee from sensory input and seek a smaller, quieter space to get away from too much input, or they might scream in fright when confronted with too much sensory input.

Sometimes Aspergers children become aggressive when dealing with an overabundance of sensory stimuli and strike out against the person or object producing the input. They also may have a hard time remaining focused or calm in busier environments (e.g., grocery store, mall, social gathering, school cafeteria, etc.).

We all have peaks and valleys in our arousal levels throughout the day. However most of us manage to maintain an appropriate level of arousal to interact effectively with the environment. Aspergers children have difficulty maintaining an appropriate level of arousal, spend more time in a high or low level of arousal, and may constantly seek or avoid input to try and regulate arousal.

The following list shows some of the behaviors that Aspergers children may exhibit due to decreased ability to modulate and discriminate various sensory input. There are both “sensory seeking” and “sensory avoiding” behaviors depending on the issues. For example, one youngster might seek out messy play as a way to keep his system alert and to learn new skills, while another youngster may avoid messy play at all costs because he is “defensive” to tactile input (i.e., the child has an emotional or behavioral response to a stimulus that is out of proportion to the stimulus itself). These two examples describe tactile dysfunction; however, they are representative of two different types of dysfunction:

1. A child with “sensory defensiveness” exhibits the avoidance behaviors listed below. This child’s sensory input feels excessive to the child (e.g., sounds are too loud; smells are too strong; lights are too bright, etc.).

2. A child with “sensory aggressiveness” exhibits the seeking behaviors listed below. This child’s sensory input feels barely detectable to the child (e.g., sounds are too quiet; lights are too dim; tastes are too bland, etc.).

1. Auditory—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Oblivious to loud noises
• Seeks out loud music or noises

Avoiding Behaviors:

• Covers ears around loud noises such as toilets flushing, sirens, music, vacuum, etc.
• Displays sensitivity to high-pitched noises
• Distracted by subtle background noises such as the hum of fluorescent lights or the refrigerator
• Easily distracted by noise
• Grinds teeth or hums especially in busy or noisy environments
• Pulls at ears even though no ear infection

2. Gustatory/Olfactory—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Licks everything
• Seeks out very spicy or very sour foods
• Smells everything

Avoiding Behaviors:

• Avoids any new foods with new colors, textures, or tastes
• Avoids foods with mixed textures – such as smooth foods with lumps
• Displays a very strong preference for temperature of food or drink
• Has a very limited diet
• Prefers only crunchy foods
• Reacts defensively to food in mouth – especially with certain textures
• Reacts defensively to the smell of certain substances

3. Proprioceptive—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Crashes constantly onto ground
• Enjoys activities that provide heavy work such as hanging, pushing, pulling
• Likes to squeeze objects
• May flap hands a lot, crack knuckles, press hands together, or otherwise stimulate self
• May masturbate frequently
• Seeks out a lot of rough and tumble play

Avoiding Behaviors:

People do not generally avoid proprioceptive input as it tends to be an overall “organizing" or pleasing input to the sensory system.

4. Tactile—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Constantly poking, pushing, or touching other people
• Constantly touching or mouthing non-food objects
• Oblivious to food on hands or around face
• Oblivious to injuries to self such as bruises
• Seeks out messy play

Avoiding Behaviors:

• Adverse reaction to light touch experiences
• Aggressive with other people
• Avoids busy places
• Exhibits picky eating habits
• May dislike or avoid many daily hygiene activities such as tooth brushing, washing, and dressing

5. Vestibular—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Constantly in motion
• Jumps much of the time on beds or other surfaces
• Loves being tipped upside down
• Loves go-fast carnival or amusement park rides
• Loves swinging and finds it hard to stop
• Spins self around a lot

Avoiding Behaviors:

• Avoids swings or playground equipment
• Does not like the feeling of falling or doing forward rolls
• Does not like to have head tipped backward
• Fear of heights, elevators, and escalators
• Fear of lifting feet off of the ground
• Gets carsick easily

6. Visual—

Seeking Behaviors:

• Hyperfocuses on Visual input
• Very drawn to certain colors
• Very drawn to television
• Visually stimulates on objects such as lights, patterns, etc

Avoiding Behaviors:

• Blinks at bright lights or appears sensitive to sunlight
• Easily distracted by visual input
• Makes poor eye contact
• Prefers to play in the dark
• Rubs eyes often
• Squints when doing puzzles or other highly visual tasks

Aspergers children have a whole host of needs – and sensory integration is only one of the many intervention approaches that can benefit these children. They often require other interventions as well including:

• academic assistance

• behavioral therapy

• psychological and neuropsychological intervention

• social skill building

• speech and language therapy

• vision therapy

It is important that parents, teachers, therapists and doctors work together as a team to improve the lives of Aspergers children. Intervention ideas and activities can be shared and reinforced. The child and his family are the most important and vital part of intervention.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Help For Aspergers Students Who Are Bullied

What do you know about the bullying of Aspergers (high functioning autistic) children in schools?  Here are the facts:

1. Although there is no consistent evidence that bullying overall is increasing, one area of growing concern is cyber-bullying, especially among older children.

2. Being bullied at school typically has negative effects on the physical and psychological well-being of those kids who are frequently and severely targeted.

3. Bullying can be categorized as physical, verbal and gestural.

4. Bullying has been reported as occurring in every school and kindergarten or day-care environment in which it has been investigated.

5. Aspergers kids typically report being bullied less often as they get older, although being victimized tends to increase when they enter secondary school.

6. Gender differences have been found indicating that Aspergers boys are bullied physically more often than Aspergers girls. Female bullies are generally more often involved in indirect forms of aggression (e.g., excluding others, rumor spreading, manipulating of situations to hurt those they do not like).

7. There are differences in the nature and frequency of victimization reported by Aspergers kids according to age. Generally, bullying among younger kids is proportionately more physical; with older kids, indirect and more subtle forms of bullying tend to occur more often.

Bullying usually has three common features:

• it is a deliberate, hurtful behavior
• it is difficult for those being bullied to defend themselves
• it is repeated

There are three main types of bullying:

• indirect / emotional; spreading nasty stories, excluding from groups
• physical; hitting, kicking, taking belongings
• verbal; name-calling, insulting, racist remarks

Bullies:

• Are often attention seekers.
• Bully because they believe they are popular and have the support of the others.
• Find out how the teacher reacts to minor transgressions of the rules and wait to see if the ‘victim’ will complain.
• If there are no consequences to the bad behavior, if the victim does not complain, and if the peer group silently or even actively colludes, the bully will continue with the behavior.
• Keep bullying because they incorrectly think the behavior is exciting and makes them popular.
• Will establish their power base by testing the response of the less powerful members of the group, watching how they react when small things happen.

Victims:

• Are desperate to ‘fit in’.
• Blame themselves and believe it is their own fault.
• Don’t have the support of the teacher or classmates who find them unappealing.
• Rarely seek help.
• Lack the confidence to seek help.
• Often have poor social skills.

Bullying commonly begins when an Aspergers youngster is (a) ‘picked on’ by another youngster or by a group of kids, (b) is unable to resist, and (c) lacks the support of others. It will continue if the kids doing the bullying have little or no sympathy for the peer they are hurting, and especially if they are getting some pleasure out of what they are doing – and if nobody stops them.

Bullying takes place mostly outside the school building at free play, recess or lunchtime. It may also happen on the way to or from the school, and especially on the school bus if there is not adequate supervision.

Bullying may sometimes occur in the classroom. Here it is usually of a more subtle, non-physical kind (e.g., cruel teasing, making faces at someone, repeatedly making unkind and sarcastic comments).

If the bullying is severe and prolonged, and the targeted youngster is unable to overcome the problem or get help, the following can happen:

• For years to come, the youngster may distrust others and find it impossible to make friends.
• He or she may lose friends and become isolated.
• School work may suffer.
• The youngster may become seriously depressed, disturbed or ill.
• The youngster may lose confidence and self-esteem.
• The youngster may refuse to go to preschool or school.
• The youngster may seek revenge, and in extreme cases, may use a weapon to get even.

How Parents Can Help—

1. Don't talk to the parents of the bullies. Parents become defensive when their youngster is accused of bullying, and the conversation will generally not be a productive one. Let the school administrators manage the communication with the parents.

2. Explore with the Aspergers youngster what leads up to the bullying. Very occasionally a youngster may be provoking others by annoying or irritating them, and can learn not to do so.

3. Find out what has been happening and how the youngster has been reacting and feeling.

4. Children are almost always reluctant to have a parent intervene, because they fear the social stigma of having their mothers/fathers fight their battles. However, it is up to you to intervene on your youngster's behalf with school administrators to ensure your youngster's physical and emotional well-being.

5. It never helps to say it’s the youngster’s problem and that he or she must simply stand up to the bullies, whatever the situation. Sometimes this course of action is impractical, especially if a group is involved. Nor does it help the youngster to be over-protective, for example, by saying: ‘Never mind. I will look after you. You don’t have to go to school’.

6. Maintain open communication with your kids. Talk to them every day about details small and large. How did their classes go? What do they have for homework that night? Who'd they sit with at lunch? Who'd they play with at recess? Listen carefully and be responsive to show interest. Your children will know if you're distracted or just going through the motions, so pay attention.

7. Make a realistic assessment of the seriousness of the bullying and plan accordingly.

8. Be observant and notice changes in mood and behavior. For instance, an Aspergers youngster may cry more easily, become irritable or experience difficulty sleeping. Younger kids may find it difficult to explain what is wrong. Talking it over with a youngster’s teacher may lead to a better understanding of what is happening. Simply listening sympathetically helps. Such support can reduce the pain and misery.

9. Some children in middle school or junior high would actually rather endure the bullying than have a parent intervene on their behalf just to avoid the social stigma of having mom or dad fight their battles. Leaving your youngster on his own to deal with bullying could result in a decline in academic performance, depression and, in extreme cases, suicide. You are the parent. Support your youngster lovingly, but do take the bully by the horns.

10. Sometimes it is wise to discuss with the youngster what places it might be best to avoid, and, on occasions, whom to stay close to in threatening situations.

11. Suggest to the youngster things to do when he or she is picked on. Sometimes by acting assertively or not over-reacting, the bullying can be stopped. It is always much better if kids, with a bit of good advice, can do something to help themselves.

12. Take complaints seriously, whether they be stories of physical bullying or verbal or psychological bullying. If your youngster is telling you about problems she has at school, you can bet that there is plenty that she hasn't told you about. By the time a youngster reveals her pain to you, the bullying has almost always been going on for a prolonged period.

How the School Can Help—

Early intervention and effective discipline and boundaries truly are the best way to stop bullying, but mothers/fathers of the victims cannot change the bully’s home environment. Some things can be done at the school level, however. Here are some tips for teachers:

1. Get the kid’s parents involved in a bullying program. If parents of the bullies and the victims are not aware of what is going on at school, then the whole bullying program will not be effective. Stopping bullying in school takes teamwork and concentrated effort on everyone’s part. Bullying also should be discussed during parent-teacher conferences and PTA meetings. Parental awareness is key.

2. Hand out questionnaires to all children and educators and discuss if bullying is occurring. Define exactly what constitutes bullying at school. The questionnaire is a wonderful tool that allows the school to see how widespread bullying is and what forms it is taking. It is a good way to start to address the problem.

3. In the classroom setting, all educators should work with the children on bullying. Oftentimes even the teacher is being bullied in the classroom and a program should be set up that implements teaching about bullying. Kids understand modeling behaviors and role-play and acting out bullying situations is a very effective tool. Have children role-play a bullying situation. Rules that involve bullying behaviors should be clearly posted. Schools also could ask local mental health professionals to speak to children about bullying behaviors and how it directly affects the victims.

4. Most school programs that address bullying use a multi-faceted approach to the problem. This usually involves counseling of some sort, either by peers, a school counselor, educators, or the principal.

5. Schools need to make sure there is enough adult supervision at school to lessen and prevent bullying.

Aspergers students who have to endure bullying usually suffer from low self-esteem, and their ability to learn and be successful at school is dramatically lessened. Schools and parents must educate kids about bullying behaviors. It will help all kids feel safe and secure at school. Kids who bully need to be taught empathy for others’ feelings in order to change their behaviors – and the school must adopt a zero-tolerance policy regarding bullying of all children, with or without Aspergers.

Question: Hi. I go to the 8th grade. I have Aspergers and get picked on a lot. I have been bullied since kindergarten. How can I get the other kids to leave me alone?

Answer: Here’s what you do if someone is picking on you:

1. As much as you can, avoid the bullies. You can't go into hiding or skip class, of course. But if you can take a different route and avoid him, do it.

2. Don't hit, kick, or push back to deal with the bullies. Fighting back just satisfies them – and it's dangerous too. Someone could get hurt. You're also likely to get in trouble. It's best to stay with safe people and get help from an adult.

3. It’s very important to tell an adult. Find someone you trust and go and tell them what is happening to you. Teachers at school can all help to stop the bully. Sometimes bullies stop as soon as a teacher finds out because they're afraid that they will be punished. Bullying is wrong and it helps if everyone who gets bullied or sees someone being bullied speaks up.

4. Try your best to ignore the bullies. Pretend you don't hear them and walk away quickly to a safe place. Bullies want a big reaction to their teasing and meanness. Acting as if you don't notice and don't care is like giving no reaction at all, and this just might stop a bully's behavior.

5. Try distracting yourself (counting backwards from 100, spelling the word 'turtle' backwards, etc.) to keep your mind occupied until you are out of the situation and somewhere safe where you can show your feelings.

6. Pretend to feel really brave and confident. Tell the bully "No! Stop it!" in a loud voice. Then walk away, or run if you have to.

7. Two is better than one if you're trying to avoid being bullied. Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or recess or lunch or wherever you think you might meet the bully.

8. When you're scared of another person, you're probably not feeling very brave. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. How does a brave person look and act? Stand tall and you'll send the message: "Don't mess with me."

9. Kids also can stand up for each other by telling a bully to stop teasing or scaring someone else, and then walk away together. If a bully wants you to do something that you don't want to do — say "no!" and walk away. If you do what a bully says to do, they will likely keep bullying you. Bullies tend to bully kids who don't stick up for themselves.

10. Feel good about yourself. A lot of kids get bullied. It doesn’t just happen to you.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook 

Best Comment:

My son Jonathan is 11 years old and in the sixth grade. He was diagnosised with Asperger's last year. But, school has been a traumatic, difficult, terrible journey since kindergarten. Until last year we thought Jonathan was just Jonathan, and was surprised there was a diagnosis for his "personality". He has been bullied severely in the school system. At first, we thought it was kids being kids in kindergarten. But, by third grade we knew there was something that made bullies come running to pick on him. The counselor said, if he would just be like the other kids this wouldn't happen. The principal and teachers denied seeing any bullying happening to Jonathan and took the attitude that if they didn't see it, it didn't happen. Jonathan would come home with bruises on him sometimes, but the principal and teachers would say that the fighting was caused by both Jonathan and what ever bully it was that day. The thing is my son has the most forgiving heart I have ever seen, and would stick out his hand to the bully to shake hands and forgive him before they left the principals office. He cannot bear the thought of anyone being upset with him. He always blames himself for the bullying, saying if I had done such and such or would be such and such, the bullies wouldn't say or do mean things. He, also, has a way of plastering on a smile when he is stressed or upset. He is almost expressionless with a smile on his face if that makes sense. We let the school "experts" talk us into thinking it wasn't so bad, kids will be kids, and that Jonathan is making a molehill out of a mountain. Jonathan was always punished alongside the bully. This was almost more painful to him than the "bullying incident". It really bothered his sense of justice, and he would obsess over it for days, until the next bullying episode would happen. We had endless meetings and it wasn't until I caught my son undressing in the third grade and saw that he had layers and layers of socks on and numerous pairs of underwear on, that it home how serious the situation was. I said "Jonathan why on earth are you dressed that way?" My heart just broke when he said "It doesn't hurt as bad when they hit and kick me." We moved him to a different school that very day!

At the new school, the bullying continued with a whole new group of kids. But, the principal did something different. She would listen to Jonathan's side, the bully's side AND she would bring in witnesses. The witnesses without fail would confirm Jonathan's take on the incident, time after time. Jonathan became know for his honesty. The principal said that Jonathan's explanations were huge and filled with long winded speeches on how he was right and how the bully was wrong and he would get off topic on moral issues or health issues, but if you listened long enough, you got the story. She also said that Jonathan (even though she could not explain why) attracted every bully in the school. This principal always took strong action against the bully. We thought that it wasn't a perfect situation because bullies were still picking on him, but we thought it was better that at least the bullies had swift punishment and Jonathan wasn't being punished for being bullied.

Then, last year, Jonathan had what the psychiatrist said was a mental breakdown. He became suicidal and actually tried to suffocate himself with a pillow. He developed bipolar symptoms. My child was unrecognizable as my child. It was the most painful, horrible, terrible thing for him to go through. It was so scary for me and my husband, and very hard and confusing for our other kids. Three doctors wanted to hospitalize him in a mental hospital. We refused because we would not be allowed to stay with him at a facility, and he was absolutely terrified of this idea (plus I could not bear to leave him with total strangers). We dedicated ourselves to a 24/7 suicidal watch for months and still to this day I feel that I am on this watch, even though he isn't suicidal. Jonathan has besides his pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a psychologist who specializes in Asperger's, three therapists that do pragmatic speech and occupational therapy, and a tutor for school. He was taken out of school (5th grade) from October last year to last of April. He returned to school, and to our surprise and everlasting gratefulness, a handful of classmates that embraced him and have become protective of Jonathan. He takes daily medication and is in a lot of therapy. He stills struggles with depression.

We were excited about the sixth grade for Jonathan. Finally, he had friends! Protective ones at that, who stopped others from bullying him. He had friends! I still love saying that. Finally, he was going to have a good year in elementary school, after 6 years of suffering (K-5).

But, no this is not happening!! Why? He does get picked on by kids, but his friends step in and stop it so Jonathan has been able to handle it. He is being bullied by a teacher and this he cannot handle. I am still shocked a teacher would do this!!!! He is afraid of this teacher. My son is not afraid of anyone. He loves all people! Even people who he should not love, like the bullies. He is very affectionate if he is the one initiating the affection. He is always hugging everyone in these long bear hugs, even total strangers he just met. He has no fear of strangers, of anyone. For him to say he is afraid of a teacher, clangs the alarm bells in my head! I have documented incidents. The thing about it is, most of it is he said, she said and is verbal and is intimidation. We went to the teacher about it. Then, the principal about it. Nothing is being done. Jonathan sees his Asperger psychologist every other week for therapy, and now she says ties must be cut with this teacher because of the severe mental anguish being caused.

The principal says Jonathan can either change schools or he can go back into homebound schooling. The doctors say Jonathan needs to be around his peers for the socialization and needs to be in school (i would homeschool in a minute if I thought this was in his best interests). I refuse to change his schools when he finally has protective friends. I will not put him through the bullying he endured all over again at a new school. The principal said he is no longer welcome at the school until this is resolved. Now bear in mind, Jonathan is an honor roll student and not a discipline problem (per letter written by his homeroom teacher to one of Jonathan's doctors). The matter is not settled. My son is out of school as of the moment. We are going over the principal's head. If that doesn't work, Jonathan's amazing doctor is going to bring in an advocate to help us and start some legal proceedings.

What do you think about all of this? Do you have any advice? My biggest regret is that we did not know enough at the beginning and we did not change Jonathan's first school immediately!

Jonathan's diagnosises are: Asperger's, Bipolar, OCD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the severe bullying he has already endured in the schools, and ADHD.

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Relationships with Aspergers Men: 12 Tips for Women

Question

My boyfriend has Aspergers. We get along well most of the time; however, even though he is as smart as a college professor, he doesn’t get a lot of common sense things when it comes to romance and intimacy. Would you have any ideas on what I can do to help him in this area?

Answer

Social interaction is complicated for people with Aspergers (Aspies). Although they are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems (e.g., they don’t contribute as much socially; they have trouble understanding or interpreting nonverbal language; they tend not to share their emotions as frequently).

Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for an Aspie to be in a relationship. There are some things you will have to consider to help the relationship work. Here are a few tips:

1. Don’t assume he is uninterested, incapable of feeling love, or selfish just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and becomes less confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it will be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.

2. Don’t be alarmed if he is confused by romantic gestures (e.g., hugging or kissing). Educate him by explaining what the gestures mean.

3. Don’t expect a relationship along normal lines. Whether you can get a suitable relationship going depends on a lot of things (e.g., patience, tolerance, clear thinking, knowledge, independence, strong self-confidence, adaptability).

4. Ease your Aspie man into large social situations (e.g., parties, group outings). Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you, he might prefer being alone or with a smaller crowd.

5. If he has certain quirks (e.g., doesn’t like talking on the phone or sending emails), understand that it may be related to his disorder. Confront him about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.

6. If your Aspie man talks in a confusing manner (e.g., talks in riddles or uses complex vocabulary, doesn’t answer your questions directly), ask him for more clarification.

7. Learn about Aspergers and how Aspies are different interpersonally.

8. Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.

9. Remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Aspergers (if you do, ask if he understood, and then explain what you meant – otherwise, he might be hurt by what you said or just be confused).

10. Romance can be puzzling to an Aspie man, but you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary, and that it makes you feel good.

11. Tell him how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. He probably does not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.

12. Understand that some Aspies can be brutally honest (e.g., One young lady asked her Aspie man, “Does this dress make my butt look big?” ...and he replied, “No more than usual”).

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.