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How Aspergers Teens Can Make Friends

Question

I’m a high school student with Aspergers. I want to have some friends, but can’t seem to find any. It’s like they don’t want anything to do with me. How can I make at least a few friends?

Answer

Friendships are usually built on one or more things of shared interest between two individuals. Friends share their thoughts and feelings as well as experiences. Teenagers with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism tend to be very open and honest and willing to share themselves with others, which are traits that friends will value. However, some peers may not value this trait. They may not be ready to be open and honest and share personal information about themselves with you, so it makes them feel uncomfortable when you offer these things to them.

Some non-Aspergers teens like to take the development of friendships slowly. When someone asks you questions about yourself (e.g., where you were born, what school do you attend, what do you like to do), they are indicating that they have a possible interest in becoming your buddy. That doesn’t mean they will become your buddy, only that they are interested in finding out if you both share enough interests to possibly become buddies.

On the other hand, some teens without Aspergers can be very open to making friends quickly. If someone wants to be your buddy quickly, and then asks you to do something for them (e.g., give them money, do something crazy, hurt someone), be aware that true buddies don’t do that! True friends help you to feel good about yourself and protect you from doing things that are not in your best interest, or in the best interest of others.

Teens with Aspergers tend to be very loyal to their friends. However, their loyalty can be abused by those with various social weaknesses (e.g., greed, jealousy, low self-esteem). It is always a good idea to pay attention to your “gut.” If you feel uncomfortable about something, even if you can’t identify what it is, it is best to seek advice from someone you do trust who understands how some people can take advantage of others.

Many Aspergers teens have particularly strong interests in certain areas. Unfortunately, very few people around them may share that interest. This makes it harder for the Aspergers teen to find friends. Therefore, look for friends at clubs where other teens with your special interest are likely to gather. Some Aspergers teens recognize that having a lot of buddies is not that important to them. Other Aspergers teens blame themselves or think badly about themselves if they don’t have friends or make friends easily.

Making friends has less to do with whether people like you than it does with whether you have interests or experiences that are similar to theirs AND whether you are also willing to share in the interests they have that are different from your own. It is easy to lose potential friends if you share more than what the other person wants to receive, or don’t give the other person equal time to share their interests with you. True buddies will stick up for each other in front of others, answer questions honestly, help each other when there is a need, and will enjoy just spending time together. Most people only have a few friends that meet this definition of a close buddy. These are the best buddies to have and to seek.

Another reason that Aspergers teens may have a more difficult time making friends is because their sensory processing and body movements are different from those without Aspergers. Friendly pats on the back and reaching out to touch your arm are common ways for non-Aspergers people to “connect” with each other through the sense of touch. If touch is perceived as uncomfortable or even threatening, your reaction to their well-intentioned effort to relate to you is not going to be easily understood. This is where Aspergers teens need to self-advocate and to let others know what makes us uncomfortable. Most people without Aspergers ARE willing to respect these differences, IF they know about them.

For those who struggle with verbal communication, a card that explains what you need can be carried in your wallet or purse and shared with others as you choose. The “down side” is, because it is hard for people without Aspergers to relate to these differences in perception, it may limit how many potential friends will be willing to work that hard to become a close buddy. Aspergers teens often find it easier to socialize and become buddies with other “Aspies” simply because they understand each other’s way of thinking and perceiving.

“Missed” communication can also make it harder for Aspergers teens to make and keep friends. Their more limited body movements can be misread by others who regularly look for “body language” cues when communicating. Aspergers teens also tend to find it difficult to attend to all the body language cues that others give. Thus, they may misread the “intended” messages if all they are paying attention to are the words others use.

Understanding the social rules that non-Aspergers people follow can also help in making and keeping friends. Some typical social rules that Aspergers teens tend to break (that others find offensive, but won’t tell you about to avoid hurting your feelings) are:
  • appearing desperate or too eager to establish a close relationship with someone you don’t know really well (which may be a dangerous thing for you because this is the type of behavior that people who will abuse you look for)
  • asking others about their current relationships (unless they bring it up first)
  • dressing too fancy or too casually for the situation (e.g., wearing too much make-up or seductive clothes to work or a picnic, wearing jeans to a job interview, etc.)
  • poor grooming habits (e.g., not brushing your teeth, not bathing or washing your hair, not wearing clean clothes, not wearing deodorant, etc.)
  • telling people things about yourself that are considered “private” (e.g., that you don’t have any friends, you’ve never had sex, etc.)

Even though your sensory processing differences may be the reason for your grooming habits or clothes choices, unless you take the time to explain these differences to others, they will judge you based on your appearance. That doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to compromise (e.g., adding a jacket to dress up blue jeans). Clothes that are clean and unwrinkled are more important than being “in fashion.” You can accomplish a “snug-fit” that some Aspies seem to prefer by wearing biking shorts or a wet suit under your clothes rather than overly tight fitting clothes that might be viewed as “suggestive.”


==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens
By

ASD Children and Defiant Behavior: 10 Tips for Parents

Moms and dads with ASD level 1 (high-functioning autistic) kids are often shocked and worried about the defiant behaviors these young people sometimes exhibit. Corrective measures intended for a developmentally "normal" youngster seldom work for Autistic children, leaving parents at a loss as to how to deal with harmful behavior.

There are no hard and fast rules for treating ASD, because each youngster exhibits different behaviors that require different treatment plans. For moms and dads struggling with ASD defiant behavior, finding safe and effective ways to deal with it is difficult without help. Kids on the spectrum seldom respond to traditional parenting techniques (e.g., time outs, withholding privileges) leaving parents confused and desperate for fast-acting strategies.

1. Applied Behavioral Analysis— Therapies based on ABA methodology are customized based on the youngster’s ability, environment, and the behavior most in need of correction. For kids with a tendency towards defiant behavior, these methods focus on analyzing what environmental factors contribute to the behavior. As factors are identified, professionals, educators, and parents are able to use a variety of methods to help the youngster learn to replace negative behaviors with positive ones. ABA methods include Discrete Trial Training, Pivotal Response Therapy, and Reciprocal Imitation Training, to name a few. Often these therapies begin on an intensive basis in the youngster’s home. 
 
 
The theory being that the youngster’s own home environment lends to more realistic behavioral assessment and modification. However, for kids with excessively defiant behaviors, there are ways for parents to begin positive correction prior to or during the initial behavioral assessment period.

2. Low Expressed Emotion— ASD kids are taught early to mimic behaviors seen in others when they do not understand or grasp a social situation. Modeling low expressed emotions during difficult or frustrating experiences helps an autistic youngster learn to control their own response. For example, remaining calm and using a monotone voice no matter how frustrating or frightful a situation may be helps model a controlled response. 
 
No matter how hard the youngster tries to escalate a situation, remain calm, focused, and level headed. For most moms and dads, this is difficult to master. However, since kids on the spectrum typically feed off the emotionally-charged responses of those around them, it is an imperative skill to learn and model. The more the parent and other family members model calm, peaceful responses to situations, the more likely the youngster will learn to model such behavior.

3. Mood Journals— A diary of the youngster’s behaviors helps illuminate patterns that might otherwise go unnoticed. Make note of their moods, demeanors, and behaviors throughout the day, as well as responsiveness of the youngster to different corrective measures. Mood journaling not only illuminates patterns and documents progress, but also serves as a history for therapists.

4. Preparation— Kids with ASD and other developmental disabilities are understandably confused by and anxious during new or unexpected experiences. Planning ahead and preparing the youngster for a new routine, person, or environment helps ease anxiety. For kids on the spectrum, this requires repetition. For example, a new playmate can be both exciting and a cause for anxiety. As such, repeating age-appropriate reminders may help ease anxiety. 
 
Kids crave security, no matter if they are developmentally challenged or not. Knowing what they should expect of a situation and what is expected of them helps them prepare, thus reducing common defiant behavior triggers. Autistic kids are no different in this regard, save their need for more repetitive exposure to expectations. In this regard, social skills training should begin early. 
 
A parent’s explanation of expectations cannot be vague like “play nice.” Instead, children on the spectrum need specific explanations of what “play nice” means. For young kids, modeling and practice playtime is an excellent way to illustrate what is expected. For older kids, short and easy to remember rules (e.g., “no hitting” and “ask first”) can help reinforce expectations.

5. Rewards and Consequences— Increase rewards for positive behavior and keep them in the youngster’s preferred currency. If their favorite activity is coloring, use this activity to reward positive strides in their behavior. Minimize consequences to focus primarily on targeted behaviors. As positive changes progress, shift the focus of consequences to the next behavior on the list.

6. Safe Rooms— Moms and dads of kids in the grips of excessive defiant behaviors often find the youngster nearly impossible to reach. As such, there are times when parents must simply “ride out” a defiant outburst. In such cases, having a safe room where the youngster can safely vent their anger or frustration allows everyone time to cool down. Safe rooms can be the youngster’s bedroom or other room in the house. The key is the room should be safe, with nothing the youngster can throw, damage, or otherwise use to hurt themselves or others.

7. Start Small— These young people do better with shorter periods for new experiences. Whether a trip to the store, a play date, or new house rules, start with small changes and gradually increase duration as the youngster shows signs of being able to tolerate more. Play dates of a few hours may be more than a defiant child can tolerate. 
 
As such, limit play dates to only an hour or so. Be available to help guide activities and take advantage of redirection strategies. Be prepared to cut the play date or other experience short if the youngster exhibits signs of heightened frustration or anxiety, or other common triggers that could produce defiant behavior.
 

8. Supervision— A youngster known to exhibit defiant behavior related to ASD obviously requires supervision at all times, especially when playing with younger kids. However, supervision is not a safety-only mechanism. It is an opportunity to observe and record. Make note of what situations and factors most often precede violence. Factors can include frustration, anxiety about a new environment or person, or physical discomfort. As moms and dads note common triggers for defiant behaviors, the opportunity for proactive solutions presents itself. 
 
For example, a youngster who typically throws objects or hits others when frustrated often shows warning signs of early frustration. These signs become a cue to redirect the youngster to another activity. Some parents argue that a youngster should prepare for life, rather than life being prepared for the youngster. However, the first step to correcting defiant behavior is to reduce its frequency, which often requires controlling the youngster’s environment temporarily until the youngster learns how to self-regulate.

9. Ten Words or Ten Seconds— Corrective responses should be calm and limited to under 10 words or under 10 seconds. Short, calm responses are easier for a youngster in the grips of an emotional upheaval to register.

10. The Jar Approach— Determine ahead of time what behaviors are most pressing in terms of correction. Prioritize corrective measures according to the severity of the behavior. The most dangerous or troublesome behaviors belong in Jar A, while less imperative behaviors like hand flapping are Jar B or C. Focus only on correction of or consequences for Jar A behaviors. As the youngster conquers negative or harmful behaviors, choices from Jar B or C move up to Jar A.

It is difficult and emotionally draining to deal with a child who exhibits defiant behavior. In some cases, parents and doctors may find that adding medication to help relieve symptoms that lead to defiant tendencies is necessary. In other cases, moms and dads may need access to emergency response professionals trained to help de-escalate defiant outbursts in kids with this disorder.

The most important thing for parents to remember is that they know their youngster best. The parent is in the best position to help the youngster overcome defiant behaviors simply by listening to the youngster and responding on a level that works for him/her. As a mother or father, it is crucial to have supports in place, not only to help the youngster, but to help the parent as well.

Overcoming defiant behavior in an autistic youngster involves changes in parental responses, being prepared, and modeling therapeutic principles taught during behavior modification therapy sessions. The key to success is the parent and his/her willingness to advocate for the best solutions for their youngster.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

  • Anonymous said...Mr. Hutten, I have a 13 yr old Aspie daughter who is exhibiting the anger and depression and we have been around the block with her school for years getting her help with all the issues that Aspies deal with. Until just a few days ago, they are beginning to only admit that they have not been doing things correctly for my daughter. The school now wants a new psychological/psychiatric workup done to move forward. We live north of Houston, Texas and are looking for someone in that area that could assist in getting a correct diagnosis. Do you know of anyone in that area who could do this? I would also like to know if you would be willing to come talk to our school, as a whole, in the area of dealing with special needs students. We have your book, The Comprehensive Handbook, and it is great. We wish others could hear this from you, that is the only way they will admit and do what is right for Asperger's children.Thank you, Joe Whitehead, M.Ed.
  • Anonymous said...Wow. That was both comforting and helpful, esp. the part about being calm and talking in a monotone voice, and the ten words or ten seconds idea. Thank you so much.  
  • Anonymous said...Hi Mark,My 14 yr old son with Asperger’s is really struggling now in a mainstream school in the UK, where they do not adapt the environment or their teaching sufficiently to meet his needs. He is academically average ability. He is getting increasingly isolated and unhappy. I have been looking at other schools with more specialist provision but there are other issues there about appropriate peer group for a boy who desperately wants to be social. I have come across a new school near to where we live that is proposing to use the Steiner/Waldorf approach to learning with the emphasis on teaching through the arts and experiential learning indoors and outdoors. This seems very in tune with what I thnk George needs, but I would like your view of the Steiner /Waldorf approach and its relevance to young people with Asperger’s Syndrome. Any advice is very welcome. I really like your newsletters by the way!Best RegardsChristine
  • Anonymous said...I find many of your topics beneficial, especially the writings that pertain to teens/young adults. My son is 20 yrs old, but not properly diagnosed until he was 17 - so I am still learning much about Aspergers.I am hoping that I can still view your website, particulary the archived writings. I am looking for information regarding single parents (with Aspie kids) and dating. This seems to be a stumbling block for me since many people are not aware of what Asperger's is, and how it fits into my life.Lisa
  • Anonymous said...hello , we have custody of our 4yo grandson and will be raising him, he is a high end aspie , have not been able to get a full psych eval yet due to shortage of services here in good old NYS, but he is a handfull. currently he does go to a head start program but has had notes sent home due to behavioral issues , jumping spitting cussing temper tantrums.i am in progress of getting help from mwhere ever i can find it and some has been helpfull . if anyone is so inclined please message me . thanx walter, pooped grandpa
  • Ms. said...My son is Autism spectrum high funcitoning (so technically at school tested the autism spectrum does not count as autism but under "emotionally disturbed") Anyways, My heart goes out to caretakers of chidlren with these special needs. I have learned you have to robot it a bit. Like as soon as I see the situation happening its like auto robot voice mode (not easy and not 100 happens) but I use distraction and reminder a lot "you need to do this" "You choose not to do this you don't get this" And step by step by step until the situation is de escalated. I think a HUGE factor is that the caretaker often feels they dont' have a break and so its so important to find support or venting so that you can use your capabilities to help your children because they need it!
  • jenniferleeweeks said...I am also in the North Houston area with a newly diagnosed child, age 11. We are having a horrible time with his defiance at school. Conroe ISD is really struggling to handle him and I fear he will eventually get kicked out of he continues refusing to do any work. I too am looking for a doc to assess and begin whatever therapy will nip this in the bud. It would be great to have another ally in finding what works better. 
  • Unknown said...My son also has aspergers and is in Conroe ISD. 
By

Should You Disclose Your Diagnosis of Aspergers?

Question

I’m an adult male diagnosed with Aspergers. Should I tell people that I have this diagnosis, or is it better that they don’t know?

Answer

This is mostly a matter of personal choice. Sometimes it’s good that others know – other times it may work against you.

In relationships, disclosure of an Aspergers (or high-functioning autism) diagnosis has been known to save relationships that are in trouble, but it has also been known to lead to break-ups or divorce if the non-Aspergers spouse/partner is unwilling to deal with the changes/issues inherent with this disorder. Experiences have been mixed.

You may want to consider disclosing your diagnosis to your employer (or potential employer) if you know that you will need some accommodations to do your best at work (e.g., incandescent rather than fluorescent lighting, solitary work rather than working in groups, flat-screen computer, etc.). If you want to disclose your diagnosis for this purpose, the best person to start with is your immediate supervisor. Sometimes simply stating, “I do my best when…” [a particular accommodation is provided] is enough. Some companies require the employee to disclose his/her disability in order to receive accommodations that are not typically made for others.

Be aware that some employees with Aspergers have found that disclosing their diagnosis (with the expectation that supervisors and coworkers would “understand” and provide for their unique needs) was not helpful at all – and even backfired. Depending on the attitudes of the employer, supervisors, coworkers, etc., it may be best for you to simply decide what you need, and then politely ask for it with reasonable explanations that do not include your diagnosis. Don’t expect your boss to know what you need based on a diagnosis that he/she probably does not understand.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… disclose is an ugly word. it sounds like you`re hiding something. tell sounds better. i think there`s no point in telling work unless you need to protect yourself legally because you need specific accommodations. telling coworkers is a different matter. no one`s going to understand and accept autism if we don`t give them the opportunity, and more importantly expect them to. this means telling people. not like it`s a big deal... it`s just like being left handed or having some other normal variation of humanity. it`s not even something that needs to be directly referenced unless there`s a reason. just like any other normal variation of humanity. sometimes the traits or symptoms are relevant to a situation. good pattern recognition, or extra good hearing or smell, or hypersensitivity to sound.... i usually talk about those first as they become relevant and eventually tie it together as autism at some other time. of course there`s no reason to do that if they`re clearly hostile to differences. unless perhaps it`s a situation where you need to stick up for or protect a fellow human being with some normal variation of humanity. the point is, it`s not worth making a big deal over because it`s not a big deal. but it`s also not something that needs to be hidden unless it`s a clearly hostile situation. but then why would anyone work somewhere they know is hostile to them ?
•    Anonymous said… Hence the reason for more research into what this diagnosis means both biologically and culturally/socially. Biosocial if you will. Will differences prevent job applicants from understanding or connecting in behavioural interviews? Will the new focus on team space and personal life story sharing work environments make it harder for the neurodiverse to show that they are committed to producing and contributing for the team?
•    Anonymous said… I'm completely open about it outside of work, but work don't know and that's how I'd like to keep it. I have to have my colleagues in my life, I choose who's in my life otherwise x
•    Anonymous said… I've found a deffinate change for the worse in how friends have treated me since being fully open about my diagnosis, Nothings changed but if that's how they want to be,that's upto them, Life's a struggle as it is without worrying about others.

Post your comment below…
By

How should I go about getting my son tested for Aspergers?

"How should I go about getting my son tested for Aspergers?"

Many different professionals can diagnose Aspergers and High Functioning Autism (e.g., psychologists, pediatric neurologists, developmental pediatricians, psychiatrists, and other professional diagnosticians). Getting a “comprehensive psychiatric evaluation” from a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders would be the best option.

If parents are considering getting an official diagnosis, they should bring the following items to the evaluation:
  • any kind of “baby development log” that was kept noting important milestones (e.g., crawling, walking, first words, etc.)
  • if the child kept a diary on his/her experiences in dealing with other people, this may be useful
  • medical history/records
  • parent’s/teacher’s notes on the child’s behavior
  • school records from Kindergarten through High School that shows the child’s abilities, both weak and strong

What moms and dads find most helpful are those evaluations which are the most comprehensive, provide the greatest specificity about how their Aspergers youngster learns, and can capture the “unique needs” of the child. Parents are looking for in depth reports that will help them – and their child’s teachers. Generally a multidisciplinary team approach evaluation done at a medical or evaluation center, or a neuropsychological battery of tests, done by a neuropsychologist, provide the most in depth reports. This report then can be used by the parent to understand the child’s thinking and feeling and to help the parent and teachers create the most effective IEP.

Evaluation often involves some connection with the school system. If the child is of school age, mothers/fathers start by requesting that the school do an evaluation for determination of eligibility for special services. This would be in the form of a letter, sent to the school. Sending this request starts the State’s evaluation process. It should result in the school sending the parent a list of tests which they and the parent check off to test the child. Parents give their permission for testing to begin by filling out and returning that form. Schools do a variety of tests themselves.

A key for obtaining a good evaluation is to use evaluators who have extensive expertise and experience with Aspergers. Always ask if this tester or center does a lot of testing of Aspergers children. When well chosen tests are done by experienced professionals, parents and teachers can better understand the Aspergers child’s strengths and challenges. The suggestions and recommendations from these reports will guide the application of all interventions, strategies, accommodations and modifications of task requests.

Do NOT feel obliged to continue to see any professional that makes you or your child feel uncomfortable or who pushes their own agenda to the exclusion of meeting your child's needs. Continue to seek what you find helpful, and look elsewhere when it is not.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
By

Refusing To Do Homework: 25 Tips For Parents With ASD Level 1 Children

Defiant young people with ASD, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), are under the mistaken belief that they are in charge. Their defiance has worked for them in the past, and they have learned to use it to their advantage. Luckily, there are several steps moms and dads can take to get a resistant youngster to do homework. Since no two kids are alike, there is no one-cure-fixes-all method. 
 
Mothers and fathers must use what they know about their youngster to determine which course of action works best. Very often, more than one method must be tried before a solution is found.

Whichever steps are taken to get a defiant ASD teen to do homework, there are some things all moms and dads must keep in mind when managing these difficult homework situations:

1. Be available for help— You don't need to sit with your ASD youngster, but you need to be close enough that they don't have to search for you if they require help. If the youngster has to get up from their work to find you it will disrupt their focus and they may become distracted by someone else in the house. You don't want to waste time refocusing them. If the youngster fusses ignore their complaints. You know they have to get this work done and so do they. Keep redirecting their attention to the work at hand. Use statements like, "Show me how you do this." and read the question out loud. Reading the question to your youngster while they sit in front of the page gets them to focus. Use your finger to point to each word; this motion will draw the youngster's eyes to the page. Be interested in what they are doing. Your interest will show the youngster that their home work is important to you.

2. Be calm— Often the frustrations of moms and dads come through to the defiant ASD youngster and make the situation worse. It is always best to be calm and if a mother/father feels upset with the youngster it is better to step away and ask the other parent to step in for a while. Another good idea is to decide that one parent will work on English and Social Studies while the other parent works on Science and Math. As a result is varies who is the person enforcing the homework. Also if there is such a push for perfection on the assignments that the youngster feels he or she can't be perfect, it can lead to defiance. It is acceptable for the youngster to get a problem wrong once in awhile. Don't push for perfection.

3. Be flexible— When the ASD youngster comes home from school don't pounce on them to get their homework done. Give them several minutes to shake off that school smell, get a snack and relax. Try to keep the time that home work is done standard. If you choose after dinner, then make sure that every night after dinner there is time to complete homework. If there is a disruption in routine, make sure that the youngster is well aware of the change and the reasons for the change.

4. Be steadfast— Under the pressure of defiance, moms and dads sometimes lose their will to enforce good homework practices. There is a temptation to be worn down. Keep in mind if the youngster wins and just doesn't do the homework, it is a long term loss. Will the fact that one assignment doesn't get completed on one night affect a youngster's education? No, but over time the youngster will have missed out on many learning opportunities and eventually it can cause a student to be behind other classmates academically. As the youngster becomes older, there will no doubt be situations that will have more at stake than simply a grade and yet the defiant youngster will have had defiance rewarded in the past. It may lead to more defiant behavior in the future.

5. Clarify— Sit down with your ASD youngster to ensure that they know what is expected of them by their teacher and that they have the skills they need to complete the work. Homework is a time for practicing skills they have been taught in the classroom. Many kids who are struggling in the classroom become defiant at home when they are unable to perform the tasks set out in the homework assignment. If your youngster cannot explain the task to you, chances are high that they do not understand it for themselves. At this point, it is crucial that you be able to re-teach the skill, or contact the youngster’s teacher right away for an explanation.

6. Do not argue or threaten— If you argue with a youngster, you have already lost. Threats do not work. Kids are pre-programmed to push the envelope and to call our bluff.

7. Establish a routine— Schedule a time for homework. Start homework at the same time as often as possible. Many dedicated moms and dads feel that kids should start homework the minute they enter the house. However, some kids may need time to play, relax or regroup after a stressful school day. Choose a time that will fit into your schedule and be productive for your youngster. Establishing a stopping time is also important. Add a timer to your homework materials kit and let your youngster know that when the timer goes off, homework is finished. Very few kids can endure more than an hour of homework, but less than thirty minutes will probably not be enough to accomplish much. Consider your youngster's age, needs and frustration level. At first, this structure may seem ineffective. However, your youngster may begin to see defiance as wasted effort once homework becomes an inevitable part of the nightly routine.

8. Establish time and place— Routine is important to ASD kids. Homework should become a routine just as bedtime, bath time and brushing teeth. Usually it is best to start the homework as early as possible. Once the youngster is tired, there is a greater likelihood that the youngster will become defiant. If homework is a consistent part of the daily routine then the youngster knows that there is no wiggle room for defiance.

9. Go with a reward system— If the youngster has several sheets of homework or one sheet of a particular subject that causes your youngster stress then break up the homework session. Have the youngster complete some of the homework and then let them take a break by engaging in an activity that relaxes them. Set a timer and make sure the youngster knows how much free time they will have.

10. Hold fast— Do not give up. If the youngster must miss out on something they want because they have not yet finished their homework, then this is what they need to experience.

11. Low traffic area— Make sure the room they do their homework in isn't a major traffic area. If you have to use a high traffic area then make sure everyone in the house is aware that this particular block of time is homework quiet time. Tell any other kids that may not have homework that for a particular period of time you will be off limits, unless there is an emergency. Let the other kids know they will have to be somewhere else until their sibling is finished working.

12. Make it visual— Consider a visual way for the ASD youngster to see accomplishment on homework. For younger kids it may mean taking a link off of a paper chain or putting jelly beans in a container. It can be a marker board or calendar to mark off the items completed. When the tasks are made visible to the student, the student develops a stronger sense of accomplishment. For older kids, it can be as simple as having an in-box and an out-box. Don't put everything in the in-box at first.

13. New person of authority— Sometimes a great tool is to bring in a new person to be the authority for awhile. Many students improve by having a relative or a tutor come in to work with them on homework for awhile. Kids tend to think that moms and dads don't know anything, but when someone else tells them the exact same thing, the student begins to respond. Another factor in this is when kids see the negative attention from a mother/father as attention. Bringing in someone that does not have that emotional tie can help with a change in behavior.

14. No rewards before completion— A common mistake is to allow students to watch a little television or play a few video games before tackling homework. It must be established early on that completion of the homework comes before pleasure. If it is the other way around, a defiant youngster will continue to be defiant because of the desire to continue the pleasurable activity.

15. Offer win-win options— Offer options that get everything done, such as allowing the youngster which thing they do first, math or writing.

16. Praise— Once the youngster has completed their homework praise them for doing their work. Acknowledge that they completed it nicely. If you make the youngster aware that you noticed their good work habits, they are likely to repeat them.

17. Proper working conditions— For some ASD kids, an improper working environment can cause them to be defiant. Students are hungry and thirsty when they come home from school. A few minutes for a snack are certainly appropriate. Consider having the youngster sit at the counter while preparing meals so the mother/father is available for supervision and questions and yet it is not overbearingly looking over the youngster's shoulder. Make sure that the student has appropriate supplies and that the study area is clean and neat. Cluttered desks, tables or other study areas are not conducive to studying for many students. Do consider playing music lightly in the background or allow an MP3 player as it can help some students to focus and then the homework is a little more pleasurable. Finding the proper working conditions may require a little experimentation.

18. Provide reinforcement— Show your youngster that refusing to do homework has negative consequences while making a true effort has rewards. Choose two or three behavioral goals for your youngster and write them on a chart that your youngster can understand. For example, if your youngster's screaming is the worst part of homework time, you could include "Speak in a calm voice" on your chart. Other goals may relate to staying seated, following directions, or reading aloud. Try to phrase them positively; most students will not respond well to a list of items that all begin with "Do not __________". At the end of each homework session, discuss your youngster's behavior. If the youngster has met the goal, record that under the date. You can use stickers, stars or a certain color. If the youngster has not met the goal, record that with a different mark, such a minus sign or a frown.

19. Ground rules— Set down ground rules, such as no television, computer games, friends, or other entertainments until their homework is done.

20. Show interest in their work— Homework does not need to be painful or a power struggle. Stay positive, use rewards and read the work over with our youngster. Showing an interest in your youngster's' work helps to create a positive feeling in your youngster and home work will not seem like such a chore.

21. Small successes— It may be necessary to begin with small steps with rewards. The defiant youngster can rebel because homework seems daunting and overwhelming. Break the assignments down and then take a small break or have a snack. Often times when the student knows that a break is coming after one task, it will be tackled with more gusto. Eventually the student may indicate the desire to do a little more before taking a break. To start the goal may be finish five math problems or read one page in the book. The small goals make kids feel like it is a surmountable task.

22. State your expectations— Habits take time to develop and are difficult to break. This is as true for good habits as it is for bad habits. Good study habits take time to develop and bad study habits are difficult to overcome. By remaining firm and calm, and providing clear explanations when they are needed, your defiant youngster will learn that some battles simply are not worth the effort. In surprisingly little time, your defiant youngster will learn better study habits, if only so that they can have more time to do the fun things that they want to do.

23. Stay calm— Getting angry simply tells the youngster that they have won; they control you when you lose control of your emotions.

24. Stay positive— Your positive approach will help your youngster maintain their good mood when completing their tasks.

25. Work with the School— Talking to and enlisting suggestions from the youngster's teachers is a valuable step. Do not keep the youngster out of the discussions. The teacher, administrators and counselors can be there to reinforce the expectations. It helps to make it clear to the student that everyone is united. Do not see the professionals as enemies. They are able to look at the youngster objectively and not emotionally.

In summary:
  • Be available for help.
  • Be consistent about what time of day the work will be done.
  • Be patient when they make the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe they need to be taught using a different approach.
  • Be realistic in your expectations on how much time it will take. Remember this is all new for your youngster and they are just beginning to build their logic and knowledge base.
  • Have everything the youngster will need ready before they start.
  • If the youngster has lots of work, ask them what they would like to start with. This small gesture helps the youngster gain some control over an activity they don't like.
  • Keep the work time as quiet as you can.
  • Use a rewards system.

With these tools in mind, parents can help the strong-willed ASD youngster to take ownership of his/her homework.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Don't punish him twice, he's already been punished at school. Eventually he'll get anxious about going home knowing he'll be punished again. A lot of parents in the USA are getting medical cards for cannabis and their children are doing really wel. Hope that helps x
•    Anonymous said… Give the boy a break. He is struggling to cope with the workload. He is only 8. He has loads of time to find his way in the world. X
•    Anonymous said… He may have low muscle tone and if he does, it hurts to write. If that is the case, no wonder he is having behavioural issues.. Less stress, less melt downs. Less expectations on these kids. Does he alway have sensory processing disorder too? As if so, school is enough. Just play and relax once home. He would be in total sensory overload. Good luck.
•    Anonymous said… He needs less work and more positivity and praise. His self esteem will be at an all time low as he's constantly being punished as he can't do his school work. He will feel he can't achieve anything. Give lots more positive attention, fun times, praise each tiny achievement he does and his behaviour will improve along with his self esteem. Plus your relationship with him will massively improve. Since we did this with our son his behaviour, self esteem and our relationship has improved. He's opening up to us more. We still have a lot of bad behaviour etc but it's much better generally. Hope it helps.
•    Anonymous said… He probably can't control the yelling in class. He should not be disciplined for behavior he can't control. Positive reinforcement Always wins out over negative reinforcement! I would definitely meet with school, discuss classwork and homework at meeting to reduce the amount and frequency. Don't take away fun activities at home, because he may be looking forward to that safety and security at home, if he feels out of place at school. Also, therapy and medicine for anxiety can help if you aren't already doing that. These things have helped my three sons, that are all on the Autism Spectrum.
•    Anonymous said… Heartbreaking! Something needs to changed at school. Homework should be no more than an hour. He seems to be stuck in a negative downward spiral. I pray this is all turned around.
•    Anonymous said… He's not gonna want to do better if everyone is constantly negative with him.Its like being thrown in a snake pit day in and day out.Should be focusing on the positive building him up instead of tearing him down with long homework that is to much and too long and punishment.Id talk to school about nipping that.And be extra positive and fun to build him up and help him decompress his anxieties and anger.He shouldn't be punished twice.
•    Anonymous said… I am a teacher.. though I teach highschool, we are taught the same with homework. Children should not be given homework, only sent home with work that was unfinished at school. There are many sites and scientific studies to back this belief. Do a little research and write that teacher a note. No child should have that amount of homework!
•    Anonymous said… I don't think the school is doing him any favors. Having a HFA child on the write repetitive sentences is ridiculous, and to him probably seems pointless and causes more stress. You on the other hand seem to be trying different positive strategies to manage the situations, I believe negative reinforcement/attention is not good for any child, but especially not for HFA. Although I didn't have the same situation as you, home schooling my daughter is a good option.. Good luck to you and stay strong
•    Anonymous said… I hate homework for this reason....it seems so pointless. There are so many studies that show homework is unnecessary for young children...and I have to admit, we have made a family decision to skip it. We do so many learning activities with our son and he is showing us ways he enjoys learning and we try and capitalize on that, but it is NOT worth the struggle to get him to do a couple poxy worksheets a night.  :( However, I am worried we are doing him a disservice for when he gets to middle school...he is 8 as well.
•    Anonymous said… I would completely refuse to do homework at home. Home is safe and family is first. I would also call an iep meeting asap. He is overwhelmed by their regular work and then they pile a ton of useless activity on top of that? Who wouldn't throw a fit? It sounds like he needs regular sensory breaks and a new approach to what they expect. Sadly, having said all that, none of it worked for my son and he's much more successful homeschooling. However, the tantrums were much less when he wasn't overwhelmed by the school piling it all on and trying to send it home. I also had it written into his iep that he could not have recess taken away as he needed the sensory input.
•    Anonymous said… I would have been a nervous wreck as an 8 year old in this day an age...to then learn differently in addition to the already high demands we place on our children now. I've had to release the reigns with my son at home, also HFA, it's made a world of difference. We have more play time than most! Do teachers understand and agree, some (not all), but that's okay, his mental health is more important.
•    Anonymous said… I would refuse the homework. My daughter has Aspergers and as far as she concerned school is school and home is home, she used to freak out if homework was mentioned. I had a word with the school and she's now coming along great as all her homework is done in school time.
•    Anonymous said… If this kiddo is anything like mine, the small amount of "homework" sent home should take ten minutes but because of adhd and meltdowns it takes 4 hours.  😞 my 1st grader had 20 spelling words to study each evening and it is quick some days and some days take all evening. Depends on how her day is going. I want her to do well but my cut off is one hour after school and 30 minutes before bed if we don't finish beyond that... well i tried but I'm not making my child miserable after all day away from me at school.  😖
•    Anonymous said… Insist on an IEP team review meeting as soon as you can. Having him write that much and the punitive nature of writing repetitive sentences is not meeting his needs. Get a sped advocate involved if the school won't listen to you. As a teacher and parent of a specially wired child, this breaks my heart. Listen to your child, advocate for them, listen to your parental gut, and educate the educators about the need of your child. Any decent education team will listen to and respect that, but I know it isn't always easy.
•    Anonymous said… Keep everything positive, build him up, tell him that he'll get more attention/fun if he does the "steps" required. break assignments into short segments, use questions about his assignment/look to different learning styles. my son likes to talk/learn while moving so we do assignments while walking or in the car where there are not so many distractions. my son also loves the history channel. find his focus area and try to use this in his learning Good Luck! We are now working on college credits
•    Anonymous said… Keep school punishment and home punishment separate. Tell the teachers that they are to let him finish at school his work. What is left should be given the next day. At home do positive things with him. He is being bombarded by school and home. He deserves a safe place. A place of love, peace and joy. Let that always be his home. Writing sentences for a child on the spectrum is not beneficial. I'm not sure they should disciple him but use a reward for him for good behavior.
•    Anonymous said… Look at his diet. We are trying to eat additive and preservative free (or mininals) which means a bit more baking and cooking from scratch and learning what to buy at the supermarket that has 'no nasties' as my kids call them. When we are onto our sons diet (we aren't always) it takes the edge off the anger and the length of his tantrums/meltdowns.
I thought we add pretty well until I did a course that made me look at the numbers and names of ingredients in products and the findings are scary, known carcinogenic ingredients, mood disrupters, causes aggregation and confusion. All in our food, very scary. I did a course through sistermixin they have fb page and I have the chemical maze app and book. Worth a look into.
•    Anonymous said… Many of these kids don't like to write so that's crazy to think that's going to make him get his work done any better. Reward, don't punish. Punishment doesn't work with these kids! You need to call a parent/ teacher conference and together figure out how to motivate him or it's just going to get worse. I'd also put in his IEP no homework.
•    Anonymous said… Maybe traditional school that is meant for those that can sit still for 6 hours at a time is not for him. Look for alternatives within the community, like a half day program. No child should have to do 4 hours of homework a night, no matter what the circumstance. I went through this with my son who graduated this year. We ultimately used an online program for his core classes, and then public school for electives. Freshman and Sophomore years were horrible in high school, but when he tested into the running start program to enter college early, things turned around for him. He took 2 honor music classes at the high school, and two college classes. He made friends in college, FRIENDS!! It was the best decision we ever made. He just graduated with honors in the arts.  <3 a="" better="" br="" find="" get="" it="" just="" way.="" will="">•    Anonymous said… My son also has HFA and we had many issues with him being overwhelmed with the amount of school work they were giving. We had accommodations added to his IEP where he has reduced work, extra time on testing as well as only work sent home if they have to. He went from having meltdowns everyday at school to finally last school year he had less than 20 for the entire year. He is also taking meds for anxiety which hep tremendously. Good luck but definitely take it up with the school administration if talking to the teacher doesn't work
•    Anonymous said… My son hasn't had homework for ages and his school makes him too anxious. Currently moving schools
•    Anonymous said… My son went through similar behaviour. I moved him to a special needs class.... they get NO homework and I noticed Less stress in a very short period of time. They can't handle that kind of stress. The school should know better. Like a lady mentioned above.... home is a safe Zone. Now they send the stress home. Poor child can't cope with it all and that's why he's acting the way he is. He must be able to escape school pressure and stress.... and that's being taken away from him. Good luck to you, never easy.  🌸 ❤
•    Anonymous said… Need to have a 504 or IEP instituted at school immediately. Have Dr. write a note to school. When all else fails..cyber school willing to work with above accomadations. We have with our son..PA Cyber, best thing we ever all did.
•    Anonymous said… No ...! If he has homework (and he shouldn't have it every night at 8 years old!) have a set period to do it - 20 minutes probably at his age. Do whatever he gets done in this period and leave the rest and write a note to the teacher saying this is how much was done. Lines saying "I will not yell in class"? Disgusting! That is his personality and he finds it hard to suppress! He is more likely an anxious child than a naughty one. Rewards are better - maybe get the teacher to do a record card and write a smiley face every time he gets through a lesson without "noises". If he gets a full day of "smiley faces", spend an allocated time with him (maybe half an hour?) doing an activity of his choice. Get the teacher to use "visial cues" in class to try to tell him to "lower the volume" (eg, thumbs down against the chest) - discreetly so as not to embarrass him in front of the other children! Making him write lines is going to make him feel like he is naughty or stupid! Sounds like the teacher needs some training or, better still, a new vocation! He is probably making noises because he is anxious! Need to try to ignore attention seeking "bad" behaviour and reward good behaviour.
•    Anonymous said… No one should be expected to do 4 hours homework a night. I had a word with the s.e.n person at my Son's school, as we were having a similar issue. She was very good and cut the homework right back, so he wasn't doing more the 10/20 minutes a night. They also reduced the pressure on him in the classroom, as he cannot work as fast as the other kids. Since these two changes, he has been much happier at school and has been performing better. I think this is a much better approach than what you have described.
•    Anonymous said… oh my goodness, feeling for you all. Trust in yourself, put yourself in his shoes. My girl (13 yrs) is in a class of 6 for kids on the spectrum, she cannot bear to do anything that is pointless and writing the same sentence 20 times would be unbearable for her. she can just about handle 15 mins concentrating on one thing at a time unless it interests her personally anything after that is time wasted so we take lots of breaks which makes it v time intensive on me. I think she would get on much better if I could home ed her but we are in germany at the moment and its not an option. sounds like he needs a different school. good luck xxx
•    Anonymous said… Our son is going through the same. Writing is very challenging and he just doesn't want to do it. I'm blessed I have an awesome team of teachers at his school. My son is also 8years old. They just added this in his IEP. He writes his thoughts down for his paper (brain storming) then he writes his rough draft. Then he gets to use voice to text for his final draft. I'm excited for him to try this out next year. Just remember you are his advocate speak to what you need!! I do all the time!!!
•    Anonymous said… Please consider home school or "virtual" schooling. I'm not sure what state you are in but I used Florida Virtual school which was free and all the curriculum is there. You simply log on and do the work on pace for that day. I discovered my child food best when working on one subject per day (Monday = Math for example) then he was able to focus . Also he could take many breaks. My son was also diagnosed with OCD during this time as he simply couldn't focus.
•    Anonymous said… Sounds like he is overwhelmed, stressed, and melting down. I'm with Donna Beetham...he probably needs less work, not more. I remember melting down every night in 3rd and 4th grade over homework. I wish I had been diagnosed then and someone realize that what I needed was accommodations allowing more time to process those difficult things.
•    Anonymous said… Sounds like he needs more fun and happy times , surely life is too short to put all this stress and anxiety on an 8 year old with special needs home should be his safe place where theres love and kindness and his sense of worth .
•    Anonymous said… Still learning about this but I know what your school is doing with your boy would not work with ours...his mind doesn't work that way and making him do 20 sentences would never discipline him just aggravate the heck out of him...he is too smart to do repetitive things like that...he needs a challenge to keep him interested.
•    Anonymous said… Thank your child is about to explode tell the school to stick there homework . Think of him take away the pressure of school and home school your have a diffrent child. 4 hours homework disgu6
•    Anonymous said… That's not right it isn't even homework ffs! School obviously cant b arsed and don't really know what they are doing!! Id definitely say this to them! Dont stand for it!!
•    Anonymous said… The more the school focused on my son's behavior, the worse he got. He developed tics and stimming increased. [He didn't have tantrums he would go into shut down mode instead]. I stopped the criticism and all the primary focus on performance, and the mental stress of always being observed and judged, while trying to 'be good', went away [along with the adverse behavior]. Rewards did not work because he knew it was patronizing and also meant he only got rewarded for changing who he was so others would like him better. He eventually settled into his schoolwork after the behavioral program got axed, because the only thing we didn't change and what he realized is that it had to be done to get recess, justified [which was a big thing to him] by telling him it wasn't fair to the students who did their work that he be allowed to play if he wasn't working as hard as they were. He had to do the same as them, because he was the same as them. Presto. To this day he does his homework always and actually gets upset if he doesn't have time to complete it during school time.
•    Anonymous said… The most valuable lesson we learned from my daughter's speech/ABA therapist was to IGNORE the undesirable behaviour and REWARD the desirable behaviour (notice I didn't say good/bad). Kids always have a reason for their actions and your boy sounds utterly overwhelmed. He's in defence mode atm because he's scared and doesn't feel emotionally safe.
Late last year my then-7yo daughter was the same. She was like a feral cat, scared, nasty, refusing anything we asked of her. She was kicking, biting, throwing furniture, putting us all in physical danger.. it was horrible!After seeing a LOT of therapists, we found a good one who taught us to start picking our battles. We issued positive reinforcement when she did the slightest thing "right" and she had gradually come around. Also you need to model the bahaviour you want to see in him. STOP shouting (I know it's sooo hard!), only speak politely and he will EVENTUALLY see that as the norm and follow suit. Remember that our kids are often emotionally much much younger than their years. Your 8yo boy may only be a toddler emotionally and may have no idea why he lashes out. He just knows that he's unhappy and is trying to protect himself the only way he knows how. Good luck Mumma! This is such a hard gig but we all get it xxxx
•    Anonymous said… Time to homeschool and let the child go at his pace and not at a "collective" classroom pace. Each child is an individual and should be seen as such.
•    Anonymous said… We decided in one of my son's IEP that we would no longer be doing homework at home. We want our house to be a home of refuge and peace for him at night. You know your child's abilities more than anyone. And you have to determine what's best for you and your home. For us...we wanted peace. Plus we have so many other things to teach him...like chores. Hence my above photo.
•    Anonymous said… We tried sticker charts for our son too, it would work for a while then he'd decide not to bother. The homework thing is the same for us but, we no longer battle for him to do it, rather encourage any he wants to do leave him to sort at school. We've also emailed his teacher to let her know too, so she can either set him less, or he can do it with a teacher aide's help
•    Anonymous said… You are wasting time and causing unnecessary stress trying to make him do that much homework at his age. And traditional discipline won't work. Sounds like he needs to be in a different school also. Good luck!

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