Aspergers and Sibling Issues

In this post, we will be referring to the sibling with Aspergers as the “Aspie” – and the sibling without Aspergers as the “neurotypical”...

The discovery that a child has Aspergers (or high-functioning autism) has a profound effect on a family. Kids suddenly must adjust to a brother or sister who, because of their disorder, may require a large portion of family time, attention, money, and psychological support. Yet it is an important concern to any family that the neurotypical sibling adjusts to the Aspie, because the neurotypical child's reactions to the Aspie can affect the overall adjustment and development of self-esteem in both kids.

In any family, each sibling, and each relationship that siblings have, is unique, important, and special. Brothers and sisters influence each other and play important roles in each other's lives. Indeed, sibling relationships make up a youngster's first social network and are the basis for his or her interactions with people outside the family. Brothers and sisters are playmates first; as they mature, they take on new roles with each other. They may, over the years, be many things to each other -- teacher, friend, companion, follower, protector, enemy, competitor, confidant, role model. When this relationship is affected by Aspergers, the long-term benefits of the relationship may be altered (e.g., the Aspie may have limited opportunities to interact with other kids outside the family; thus, social interaction between siblings often takes on increasing importance).

Each youngster's personality and temperament play an important role in their response toward a sibling, including one with Aspergers. Although both positive and negative feelings exist in all sibling relationships, for school-age kids and young adolescents, these relationships tend to be more positive than negative in their feeling tone. Furthermore, kids with an Aspergers sibling appear to have more positive and fewer negative behavioral interactions than do those with a non-Aspergers sibling. These positive aspects include higher levels of empathy and altruism, increased tolerance for differences, increased sense of maturity and responsibility, and pride in the sibling's accomplishments.

Living with a brother or sister, including one with Aspergers, can be rewarding, confusing, instructive, and stressful. Siblings of an Aspie express a range of emotions and responses to that sibling, similar in most ways to the range of emotions experienced toward siblings who have no disability. Kids react toward an Aspie with feelings of love, empathy, pride, guilt, anger, and support; the predominance and prevalence of these reactions have great impact on the levels of stress and coping ability of the Aspie. The positive or negative nature of the relationships between siblings and among family members may be influenced by factors such as these:

• age differences between kids in the family
• family's child-rearing practices
• family's lifestyle
• family's resources
• kind and quality of the support services available in the community
• kinds of coping mechanisms and interaction patterns that exist within the family
• number of kids in the family
• other stress-producing conditions that exist in the family
• severity of the disorder

Each youngster's reaction to having a sibling with Aspergers will vary depending on his or her age and developmental level. The responses and feelings of the neurotypical sibling toward the Aspie are not likely to be static, but rather tend to change over time as the sibling adapts to having a brother or sister with Aspergers and copes with day-to-day realities. Preschool-aged siblings, for example, may feel confused, afraid, anxious, and angry about a brother or sister with Aspergers. All kids are different; the intensity of a youngster's concerns, needs, and experiences will vary from sibling to sibling, as will a youngster's reaction to -- and interpretation of -- events. The younger the child the more difficult it may be for him or her to understand the situation and to interpret events realistically. Neurotypical siblings may resent the time their parents give to the Aspergers sibling and perceive it as rejection. They may wonder what is wrong with them that their parents love their Aspergers sister or brother more.

During the early years, the neurotypical sibling may mimic the physical or behavioral actions of the youngster with Aspergers, or the neurotypical sibling may regress in behavioral development. Later on, he or she may be prone to extremes of behavior such as "acting out" or becoming the "perfect" child.

Elementary school-aged kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed as they recognize differences between their Aspergers sibling and someone else's “normal” brother or sister. They may worry about "catching" or developing the disorder, and they may feel guilt because they themselves do not have the disorder. They may also feel protective and supportive of their Aspergers sibling, and this may trigger conflicts with peers.

Young adults may have future-oriented concerns. They may wonder what will become of their brother or sister with Aspergers. They may also be concerned about how the people they socialize with, date, and later marry will accept the brother or sister with Aspergers. Additional issues faced by young adults may include genetic counseling when planning their own families, and coping with anxiety about future responsibilities for the brother or sister with Aspergers.

Family Stress Factors—

The discovery that a youngster has Aspergers can produce stress among family members. Stress can also be caused by a number of ongoing factors, or by special circumstances. Siblings need an explanation for the tensions within the family and the cause of the tensions.

Some families are stressed by the amount of financial resources required to meet the needs of the youngster who has Aspergers. Some moms and dads may expect neurotypical siblings to accept the brother or sister with Aspergers as "normal." This expectation can lead to internalized feelings of anxiety and jealousy which the neurotypical sibling may be reluctant to voice. The parents, in turn, may fail to recognize the youngster's unhappiness and may deny that a problem exists.

Neurotypical siblings may feel obligated to compensate for the youngster with Aspergers, to make up for that youngster's limitations. They may be acting as a surrogate parent, assuming more responsibility than would be usual in the care of a neurotypical sibling. On the other hand, siblings may help the family by providing their parents with assistance and support, which they otherwise might not have, in the care of the youngster with Aspergers. The neurotypical youngster may experience jealousy because he or she may be required to do family chores, whereas, the sibling with Aspergers is not required to do them -- despite the fact that the Aspie may be unable to do them, or would have great difficulty doing them. The neurotypical sibling may resent having to integrate the Aspie into the neighborhood peer group, and may experience or perceive peer rejection because of having a sibling with Aspergers. Finally, the neurotypical sibling may feel embarrassment because of the Aspie’s characteristics or inappropriate behavior. Essentially, moms and dads, other adult family members, and professionals should realize that neurotypical siblings need special understanding, attention, support and recognition of their unique contributions to the family system.

Siblings with Aspergers, on the other hand, also experience stress as family members. These common stresses include:

• anger resulting from an inability to do things as easily and quickly as their nondisabled brothers and sisters
• frustration at not being able to make themselves understood
• irritation over constant reminders about everything
• low self-esteem
• unhappiness at being left to play alone
• withdrawal because of lack of social skills

Through it all, with understanding and support, there are usually many positive interactions and normal sibling give-and-take situations from which each learns and matures.

When moms and dads have a double standard for Aspergers and neurotypical kids, conflicts can arise. Even though the youngster with Aspergers, in fact, may need and receive more parental attention, the amount given may be perceived as unfair by neurotypical siblings. Some moms and dads, on the other hand, may tend to overindulge the “normal” sibling in an effort to compensate for a brother or sister with Aspergers. The normal rivalry between all siblings may cause the neurotypical sibling to perceive incorrectly that the parents favor or love best the sibling with Aspergers. Sara expressed the resentment she feels when her brother is dealt with lightly in comparison to her punishments:

"Normal kids can get pushed aside when their brothers or sisters has Aspergers. Jacob seems to get help naturally --it's like attention to his needs is "built into the system." I'm the bad one, but he can do no wrong. He makes all the messes, but I get into trouble if I don't empty the dishwasher."

Unlike their parents, siblings may have no knowledge of life without a brother or sister with Aspergers. Siblings generally are poorly informed about this disorder. Yet siblings' needs for information may be as great - or greater - than those of parents, because of their identification with their brother or sister with Aspergers. It is important to bear in mind that they have limited life experiences to assist them in putting the disorder into perspective. Moms and dads should respect the neurotypical siblings' need to be recognized as an individual who has concerns and questions as well as his or her right to know about the disorder. Neurotypical siblings may require information throughout their lives in a manner and form appropriate to their maturity.

For many siblings, anxiety-producing feelings often are not expressed in day-to-day family interactions and discussions, and are shared even less at school. These internalized feelings complicate sibling relationships, for kids need to vent their emotions. Kids should be given an explanation for their sibling's problems so that they will not make incorrect assumptions.

Moms and dads and professionals need to be aware that there may be a gap between the neurotypical sibling's knowledge and actions. A neurotypical sibling may be able to rationally explain a brother's or sister's disorder to inquiring friends or neighbors, but may still exhibit temper tantrums over the same sibling's actions in the home.

Most importantly, the need for information and understanding does not have to be addressed solely by the moms and dads. A youngster's disorder is a concern which should be shared by parents, helping professionals, and society. For example, some progressive clinics and hospitals have designed programs that include siblings from the beginning. These programs offer Family Support Groups which bring entire families together as a means of sharing information and mutual support.

It is important for teachers to be sensitive to neurotypical siblings' feelings and needs. Teachers can do much to promote positive sibling interactions as well as acceptance of Aspergers in all kids. During the school years, especially the early years, teachers can help to promote sibling awareness and interaction by providing opportunities for siblings to learn about Aspergers (e.g., conducting a "sibling day" or a “sibling workshop” can be an excellent way of introducing siblings to Aspergers). On this day, activities can include sharing positive experiences about having a sibling with Aspergers. Siblings without the disorder might be interested in seeing and/or participating in some of the unique activities in which their Aspergers brother or sister participates in.

Information puts fears into perspective. In most instances, simply knowing the facts about Aspergers takes away the sting of embarrassment, as well as uncertainty and fear. While embarrassment can and does occur in many situations over the years, knowledge can help one cope.

Ask parent groups, social workers, therapists, doctors, teachers, or counselors about the availability of support groups and other sibling resources in your area.

Planning For the Future—

Planning for the future raises many important issues for the family of a youngster with Aspergers. The most challenging of these dilemmas is the care of the adult sibling who has the disorder. Even though neurotypical adult siblings have lives (and often families) of their own, they face unusual, additional responsibilities because of their unique relationship with their brother or sister with Aspergers.

The amount of responsibility that adult neurotypical siblings assume for their adult sibling with Aspergers varies with individuals and with circumstances. It is dictated by a consideration of family and job responsibilities, personal choice, and available community support.

Perhaps the most challenging issue a family faces is, on the one hand, encouraging and fostering the independence and self-determination of the person with Aspergers and, on the other hand, facing the reality that, at some level, assistance may be necessary.

When planning for the future of the sibling with Aspergers, you should consider such things as mobility, social and communication skills, education, and the individual's own ideas about where to live and work. Even after careful planning and the appointment of a guardian or co-guardians, plans should be made for emergencies. A file should be kept in a safe place, known to all family members. The following ideas should be addressed when making future plans and the information should be included in this accessible file:

1. Neurotypical siblings should know where to access the needed educational, vocational, and medical records of the Aspergers sibling, and be ready to anticipate his or her changing future needs.

2. Know your state's laws regarding guardianship and independence. Do not assume that you as parents will automatically remain your youngster's guardian when he or she reaches the age of majority in your state. Establish whether the sibling with Aspergers requires no, partial, or full guardianship. This information should be in writing, and, if possible, make contingency plans in case the first-choice guardian is unable to assume that role. Be aware of the consequences in your state of not having a guardian appointed.

3. Families should gain an understanding of the legal and eligibility requirements of programs available to the family member with Aspergers. Investigate resources through government programs, such as Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Vocational Rehabilitation, Independent Living Centers, employment services, parent and disability groups.

4. Families should discover the types of community resources available. The range of services and resources varies considerably according to place of residence. Keep abreast of any changes in the availability of these services. Consider the sibling's need for long-term care, as well as for employment and companionship.

5. Families should consider the future health of the sibling with Aspergers with respect to needed services and care. Moms and dads should document where he or she can receive medical care and the financial resources and arrangements necessary for this care.

6. Develop financial plans for future care. If the family is considering establishing a trust for the family member with Aspergers, it should consider the incomes of the kids in the family, including the sibling with Aspergers. Make a will only with an attorney experienced in devising wills for those who have an heir with this disorder. Inheritances must be treated with caution. It is especially important to investigate the continued eligibility for certain social services if assets from an estate, pension, or life insurance are left to the youngster with Aspergers.

7. Be aware that, as families grow and develop, the members within it change. Living with and caring for a youngster with Aspergers is different from living with and caring for an adult with Aspergers. Family members should continually ask themselves the following questions:

• Are my career plans compatible with my responsibilities for my brother or sister with Aspergers?
• How will the responsibility be shared with other family members?
• How will these needs change?
• Is the involvement financially, emotionally and psychologically realistic for me?
• What are the needs of the sibling with Aspergers?
• What can be expected from local support groups in the community?
• What is and will be my level of involvement?
• Will my future spouse accept my brother or sister?

The care of a sibling with Aspergers is, in large part, a family affair and a responsibility that should be shared as evenly as possible. By planning effectively for the future, parents can help ease the responsibility and the feelings of stress that uncertainty about the future can bring.

Suggestions to Moms and Dads—

Moms and dads set the tone for sibling interactions and attitudes by example and by direct communications. In any family, kids should be treated fairly and valued as individuals, praised as well as disciplined, and each youngster should have special times with parents. Thus, moms and dads should periodically assess the home situation. Although important goals for a youngster with special needs are to develop feelings of self-worth and self-trust, to become as independent as possible, to develop trust in others, and to develop to the fullest of his or her abilities, these goals are also important to neurotypical siblings.

To every extent possible, moms and dads should require their kids with Aspergers to do as much as possible for themselves. Families should provide every opportunity for a normal family life by doing things together, such as cleaning the house or yard; or going on family outings to the movies, the playground, museums, or restaurants. Always, the youngster with the disorder should be allowed to participate as much as possible in family chores, and should have specific chores assigned as do the other kids.

Care-giving responsibilities for the youngster with Aspergers should be shared by all family members. It is especially important that the burden for care-giving does not fall onto the shoulders of an older sibling. If there is an older sister, there is a tendency in some families to give her the primary responsibility, or an excessive amount of it. Today, however, more communities are providing resources to ease the family's care-giving burdens. Examples include recreation activities, respite care, and parent support groups.

Here are several strategies suggested by neurotypical siblings themselves for mothers/fathers to consider in their interactions with their “normal” kids. These siblings suggest that moms and dads should:

• Welcome other kids and friends into the home
• Use respite care and other supportive services
• Use professionals when indicated to help siblings
• Teach siblings to interact
• Schedule special time with the neurotypical sibling
• Require the Aspergers youngster to do as much for himself or herself as possible
• Recognize that they are the most important, most powerful teachers of their kids
• Recognize special stress times for siblings and plan to minimize negative effects
• Recognize each youngster's unique qualities and family contribution
• Provide opportunities for a normal family life and normal family activities
• Praise all siblings
• Listen to siblings
• Limit the care-giving responsibilities of siblings
• Let siblings settle their own differences
• Join sibling-related organizations
• Involve all siblings in family events and decisions
• Be open and honest
• Accept the disorder

Kids with special needs may often need more help and require more attention and planning from their parents and others in order to achieve their maximum independence. Brothers and sisters can give parents some of the extra help and support they need; the special relationship of brothers and sisters is often lifelong. This special and unique bond among siblings can foster and encourage the positive growth of the entire family.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Survival Techniques for Aspergers Teens

The challenges of Aspergers (high functioning autism) can be many, especially for adolescents. Because socialization plays a major role in teens' lives, the world of an Aspergers adolescent can be a difficult one. Unfortunately, schoolmates and friends are often ignorant about the characteristics associated with Aspergers. This ignorance can often lead to cruelty, making an "Aspie" feel ostracized from other adolescents. Social issues are some of the most common problems associated with this condition.

Because the range of symptoms and behaviors are so varied from one youngster to another, the key to discovering coping mechanisms for adolescents with Aspergers depends somewhat on understanding these behaviors. For many young people, the behavior of an Aspergers adolescent can be puzzling and sometimes irritating. Because of this, many schoolmates simply ignore that adolescent. This could result in even more negative behavior on the part of the Aspergers adolescent because, although he may strongly desire social interaction, he doesn't know how to go about achieving that connection with other children his age. Socialization problems, communication difficulties, and physical disabilities may make him feel separated from others.

Common behavior issues include the following:

• Inability to make everyday conversation
• Inability to make eye contact
• Inability to respond appropriately
• Inability to show humor, takes everything literally
• May have difficulty with speech
• May have impaired motor skills
• Need for specific routine, and may want to impose this need on others

Survival Techniques for Aspergers Adolescents

Survival techniques for Aspergers adolescents can help these children deal with the daily stress and often profound loneliness that they experience. Because adolescents with Aspergers may not be able to cope alone, it is imperative that all of those involved in the adolescent's life, including moms and dads, teachers, and others, learn how to help him or her cope.

Here’s how you can help:

1. Build a support system. This is extremely important for your adolescent. Talk to other moms and dads, professionals, etc. about what is going on.

2. Educate yourself. The more you know about the disorder, the more adept you'll be at helping your youngster learn to cope with the issues he'll face.

3. Get others involved. It may be difficult for your youngster to make friends, but you can help by encouraging her to get involved in school. Drama, chorus, art, band, and various sports can open up your youngster's world. Invite other adolescents to your home, and include their moms and dads in some of the plans. Discuss with these individuals some of the issues your youngster faces each day, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

4. Help your youngster discover a passion. Whether this is acting, writing, drawing, etc., help your youngster find his niche in the world. This is one of the best survival techniques he can use!

5. Know the youngster. Because each youngster is different, coping mechanisms will vary as well.

6. Ask your adolescent to picture a peaceful setting, such as the beach, a meadow, a stream, etc. Have him close his eyes and dwell on this picture for several minutes.

7. Concentrated breathing will help him relax his muscles. Breathing in and out slowly for several moments will reduce his feelings of anxiousness.

8. Relax each set of muscles, beginning from the feet and working up, or beginning from the face and working down. Focus on relaxing each section of your body for ten seconds each. Sometimes it helps to tense the muscle first, and then begin the relaxation method. Practice this as often as is necessary.

Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

List of Aspergers Characteristics

Question

Would you have a complete list of characteristics found in people with Aspergers?

Answer

Below is a fairly exhaustive list of Aspergers (high functioning autistic) characteristics; however, keep in mind that no two "Aspies" are the exactly the same, and no single Aspie has ALL these traits. If you suspect your child or partner has Aspergers, the best thing you can do, as a parent or spouse, is arm yourself with information about this disorder.

Personal / Physical—

• Being "in their own world"

• Can engage in tasks (sometimes mundane ones) for hours and hours

• Can spend hours in the library researching, loves learning and information

• Clumsiness

• Collects things

• Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones)

• Early in life they often have a speech impediment

• Eccentric personality

• Excellent rote memory

• Flat, or blank expression much of the time

• Highly gifted in one or more areas (e.g., math, music, etc.)

• Idiosyncratic attachment to inanimate objects

• Intense focus on one or two subjects

• Likes and dislikes can be very rigid

• Limited interests

• May have difficulty staying in college despite a high level of intelligence

• Non-verbal communication problems

• Difficulty reading body language, facial expression and tone

• Preoccupied with their own agenda

• Repetitive routines or rituals

• Sensitivity to the texture of foods

• Single-mindedness

• Speech and language peculiarities (hyperlexia)

• Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell (e.g., fabrics, won’t wear certain things, fluorescent lights)

• Uncoordinated motor movements

• Unusual preoccupations

• Word repetition (they may frequently repeat what you've just said)

Social Interactions—

• Can obsess about having friends to prove they’re “normal”

• Desire for friendships and social contact but difficulty acquiring and maintaining them

• Difficulty understanding others’ feelings

• Great difficulty with small-talk and chatter

• Has an urge to inform that can result in being blunt or insulting

• Lack of empathy at times

• Lack of interest in other people

• May avoid social gatherings

• Preoccupied with their own agenda

• Rigid social behavior due to an inability to spontaneously adapt to variations in social situations

• Shuts down in social situations

• Social withdrawal

In Relationships (mainly pertains to Aspergers men)—

• Can often be distant physically and/or emotionally

• Can stop putting any effort into relationship after a time, and doesn’t understand why she then stops giving too

• He can be very critical and takes it personally if she won’t wear something he likes, or wears something he dislikes

• He can become quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy; the defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as the man attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world

• He has a hard time saying “I love you,” showing physical affection; as a result it is difficult to find out if they do love you

• He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions

• His attention is narrowly focused on his own interests

• If she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering

• Men with undiagnosed Aspergers often feel as if their partner is being ungrateful or “bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her

• Often are attracted to another purely because they are attracted to him

• Often times they will make no motions to keep a relationship going (be it friendship, or something more)

• They won't call, and you might not see them for days; that doesn't mean they don't care

Positive Aspergers Traits—

1. Attention to detail – sometimes with painstaking perfection.

2. Focus and diligence – has an ability to focus on tasks for a long period of time without needing supervision or incentive is legendary.

3. Higher fluid intelligence – scientists in Japan have recently discovered that Aspergers kids have a higher “fluid intelligence” than non-Aspergers kids. Fluid intelligence is the ability to find meaning in confusion and solve new problems. It is the ability to draw inferences and understand the relationships of various concepts, independent of acquired knowledge. Experts say that those with Aspergers have a higher than average general IQ as well.

4. Honesty – the value of being able to say “the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.”

5. Independent, unique thinking – people with Aspergers tend to spend a lot of time alone and will likely have developed their own unique thoughts as opposed to a ‘herd’ mentality.

6. Internal motivation – as opposed to being motivated by praise, money, bills or acceptance. This ensures a job done with conscience, with personal pride.

7. Logic over emotion – although people with Aspergers are very emotional at times, they spend so much time ‘computing’ in our minds that they get quite good at it. They can be very logical in their approach to problem-solving.

8. Visual, three-dimensional thinking – some with Aspergers are very visual in their thought processes, which lends itself to countless useful and creative applications.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Surviving an Aspergers Marriage

Marriage to someone with Aspergers (high functioning autism) is challenging to say the least. Characteristics of Aspergers (e.g., difficulty reading body language and facial expression, struggling to perceive emotions in a spouse and in oneself) create significant communication hurdles for the Aspergers individual and his spouse. In addition, the neurotypical (non-Aspergers) partner may not truly understand how much the Aspergers spouse is struggling, and that his behavior causing him to fall short of expectations is not intentional.

Repeated communication errors may lead to frustration and tension. Instead of supporting each other, resentments can build to the point of apathy. The heartbreaking conclusion is the loss of the relationship.

Grown-ups and kids with Aspergers are often “rubber banding” (i.e., they have a natural social and physical state that may be lower, and a “stretched” state where they are able to push forward and achieve more). An adult with Aspergers may need to stretch far beyond his natural comfort level in order to meet the social expectations required in the workplace. He may need the quiet and solace of home to recover. However, like all grown-ups with a spouse or family, he may be further met with complex familial needs requiring deciphering and action.

Everyone is less flexible when tired or stressed (e.g., all of us are less able to maintain focus and accomplish tasks when ill). We aren't at our best, and consequently we aren't able to achieve our best results.

For people with Aspergers, the flexibility required just to be a functional adult may be extremely taxing. He may be especially likely, when tired or overwhelmed, to return to a less functional level, or “snap back” and be less capable of flexibility or stretching to meet expectations.

Like all of us when stressed, the Aspergers adult may also react with unintentional irritability, frustration or anger. The neurotypical partner, however, may take it quite personally, not understanding how her spouse can be insensitive to her needs and so clueless as to how to meet needs in the relationship.

The first step to resolving this perpetual conflict is to examine the specific characteristics that apply to an Aspergers individual and look for the specific ways they impact his life and relationships. Awareness alone can provide a relief to the Aspergers spouse and diffuse a great deal of the resentment in the neurotypical partner.

The next important step is willingness from both spouses to work toward changing expectations of each other, and to create new ground rules for the relationship. This requires both renewed commitment to the partnership, a mutual desire to improve the quality of life together, and a willingness to try to be compassionate with each other through the learning process.

The following are a few examples of effective communications strategies for the neurotypical spouse to use in an Asperger marriage:

1. Many people with Aspergers can be neurologically disturbed by such things as loud noises or different kinds of noises; smells; colors; fabric texture; food; types of touch; social situations that are too demanding or that have too many people; and so on. These things actually trigger a flight, fright or freeze reaction in the person's autonomic nervous system. If you are the partner who does not have Aspergers, you might have to play detective - start paying attention to those times when your partner seems to withdraw, "zone out" or otherwise escape the situation. Is your partner suddenly nervously wiggling legs or arms, or playing obsessively with keys or jewelry? Has he or she suddenly pulled out a book and begun reading in the middle of a party? Are there other soothing/stimulating behaviors that may seem repetitive or out of place?

Try to figure out what has triggered these reactions and notice how long it takes for your partner to feel comfortable again. Better yet, both of you get a notebook and begin to keep track, on a daily basis, of what you notice as bothersome or disturbing. The Aspergers partner should feel encouraged to notice as much as possible, knowing that the other partner is also taking this seriously. Be sure to make the necessary changes after you both discover the things which are irritating and disruptive. Sensory integration issues can even interfere with sexual pleasure, and both partners should become aware of tastes, touch, fabrics and other things which can suddenly cause a partner to switch off and retreat from intimacy.

2. Many grown-ups with Aspergers are very organized, whereas others struggle with organizational skills. The neurotypical partner can help the Aspergers spouse by providing organizational help. A simple example of this is perhaps providing a central location for specific items. “I bought you this eyeglass holder for the table next to your chair.”

3. Let's not forget the spark that caused us to fall in love in the first place. Did you find your husband's nerdiness quite endearing when you met him? Did you make a little extra effort to push beyond your comfort level and shyness to get to know your wife, but now that you have her, you've forgotten the importance of that? What little rituals did you have in the early days, what small sweet gestures did you make? It might be something as small as bringing her a cup of tea, or greeting him at the door when he comes home. Remember, this is the person you love, remind him/her that you do.

4. Instead of finding fault, at least temporarily both spouses attempt to ignore shortcomings and point out positive actions the partner is taking and praise them for it. For example: Instead of finding fault with HOW the spouse completed a household duty, the focus is on being thankful the task was completed. “Thanks for doing the laundry! I appreciate it.”

5. Exercise is one of the few ways to naturally boost serotonin levels in the brain therefore helping to reduce depression. Allow each spouse exercise time can provide needed alone time for de-stressing. When frustrated it is an effective way to burn off some negative energy and diffuse tension. Instead of having a fight, allowing either spouse the option to walk away and “walk it off” can nip an argument in the bud before it becomes a full-fledged fight. Allowing time to self-calm allows the issue to be resolved in non-confrontational manner later.

6. Don't assume he knows. The neurotypical partner walks to the door arms heavy laden with groceries, and struggles to open the door. She takes note that the Aspergers partner who is within line of vision doesn't rise or offer to help her. She sighs with frustration as she returns to the car for another armload. Her irritation rises as her spouse continues to ignore what she believes to be obvious struggling. Finally she yells in frustration, “Why don't you help me!” The Aspergers partner reacts with shock and hurt, and yells back, “I didn't know you needed help!” Why didn't the Aspergers partner recognize that his partner needed help? He may not have read what would have been obvious body language as she struggled to carry the heavy groceries, he didn't catch her frustrated sighs and as she didn't verbally ask for help, he may have assumed she didn't need it.

Rewind. How could they have done this differently? The neurotypical partner could have simply said, “Can you help me honey?” Or at a later time (when calm), the neurotypical spouse could say, “When I come home with the groceries, it would really help me if you could bring them in for me, and then I'll put them away.” Over time the Aspergers/ neurotypical spouses establish a routine of clearly outlined expectations.

7. Although many spouses are overwhelmed with work and family obligations and it seems impossible to find time to renew ourselves, it is extremely important to take care of oneself in order to be our best in the world and in our relationships. It might mean encouraging your partner to go out with friends a couple of times a month for girls or guys night out. It might be something small such as making the decision that on Sunday morning it is important to allow time to lay around reading the paper, than it is to clean up the house. Or that one spouse recognizes the other really needs a nap and watches a movie or plays a game with the kids so they'll be quiet.

It is allowing time for both yourself and your partner to relax without pressure. In the case of the NT partner it may be necessary for him/her to clearly state, “I need to take a nap.” Or, “I need a break, please watch the kids for an hour.”

8. Allow for processing time. People with Aspergers may need longer processing time, particularly for verbal instruction, and cannot instantly react to a request. For example, the neurotypical partner comes home and says to his Aspergers wife, “I've decided I'm taking you out to dinner.” Instead of being pleased because now she doesn't have to cook dinner, she may react with frustration and say, “No!” The neurotypical spouse is hurt because he was making a kind gesture. But for the Aspergers spouse, although she hasn't already cooked dinner, in her mind she had already decided what it will be and too instantly change her internal plans is not something she may be able to easily do. Instead of springing a last minute change on an Aspergers partner, a better strategy could be for the neurotypical spouse to call her at work earlier in the day saying, ‘What would you think about us going out to eat dinner tonight?”

The Aspergers partner might need to adjust to the idea, and by the time the neurotypical partner meets her at home she has warmed to the idea. She simply needed that adjustment time. This is even more crucial when it comes to more serious decisions, such as those related to kids or money. An effective strategy is to approach the spouse with Aspergers, suggest an idea and then “leave it there” and wait for him or her to reply back, perhaps even days later. This allows both spouses to carefully consider the implications. Over time both spouses can learn to trust they will not be pressured into making a decision they do not feel comfortable with. Taking the extra time eliminates the tension often resulting in arguments.

9. After being married awhile we may no longer make the effort to care for ourselves in the manner we previously did before catching our mate. Water means taking that little extra effort to be attractive to our partner. Perhaps this means that although we're tired we take a quick shower after work to freshen up just as we would have before marriage.

10. “What, do you want me to draw you a picture?!” Yes! People with Aspergers are generally visual learners and verbal instruction may be difficult to follow. For example, when sending an Aspergers spouse to the store to pick up a specific item, the neurotypical spouse may become frustrated when trying to explain the item or its location on the aisle. Sara recently sent her husband, Michael, to the store to pick up sliced turkey. This request was meant with puzzlement. Michael said, “What is sliced turkey?” Sara, tired herself, became frustrated thinking the direction was pretty self-descriptive. Simply saying, “SLICED TURKEY” over again was not helpful, and nor was giving the general location of where it could be found in the store, because Michael came home with turkey bologna, which is not what she requested.

As there was an imminent need, Sara made a quick trip to the store to purchase the item herself. When returning she showed him the item, providing him with a concrete example. She herself took note of the product name and location in the store where she purchased it. The next time she sent Michael to the store for an item that was needed in a hurry she quickly scrawled a map and wrote down the name of the product. He proudly returned with the correct item. Although to outside eyes it may seem cumbersome and time consuming to draw a store map, it is actually time and energy saver because it eliminates extra trips and increased frustration between spouses. Aspergers/neurotypical spouses may find using visual shorthand with quickly drawn examples saves a great deal of time and energy in the long run.

11. Speaker-Listener Technique: This communication technique helps spouses to take turns (1) actively listening to what their husband/wife is actually saying and (2) limiting their own communication to a series of short "sound bites" that don't overwhelm the listener. This is particularly important in a relationship where one or both spouses present symptoms of Aspergers. The Aspergers spouse particularly needs unemotional, clear, concise communication using direct language. Here's how it works:

• Each spouse takes turns holding "the floor" - a scrap piece of carpet, fabric, or even a tile, to indicate she/he is the speaker.
• The speaker will limit his/her turn to one or two main points, stating the problem. Keep it brief and keep it simple. Also, stay in the present moment. Do not bring up "old business."
• The listener will listen without interrupting. When the speaker is done speaking, the listener will repeat back or paraphrase what he/she heard the listener say. This enables the listener to really "get" the message, while the speaker feels heard.
• Then trade. The former listener is now the speaker and vice versa.

You'll see how keeping your speech short and simple will make it easier for the listener to repeat back your main points. If the discussion becomes too emotional, and either of you need a time out - take it! But be sure to agree on a time and place to come back to the issue and then make sure you keep the agreement.

12. Safe Space and Time for Intimacy: Couples should create a schedule for intimate time together, with a clear beginning, middle and end as well as "transition time" before and after. The Aspergers spouse often finds it very difficult to leave the computer or a special hobby, leaving a fuming spouse wondering if there will ever be any time for "just them." Aside from scheduling time, you can do these things in advance:

• Agree that there will be no arguments or difficult discussions in your "safe space and time."
• Create a scenario of what will happen, and then stick to it. Will this be a movie date with sex afterward? Or are you just setting a half hour aside for a cuddle and massage. The more you can create routine and stick to it, the easier it will be for the Aspergers spouse to transition into the activity with you.
• Make sure that any sensory irritations are removed from the intimate setting. 
• Build in time for the Aspergers spouse to take care of personal hygiene or anything else that may be of importance for the intimate occasion.
• Beware of incorporating the Aspergers spouse's interests into these special, intimate times. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing the focus on your togetherness.

==> Living With An Aspergers Partner: Help for Couples

Aspergers and Low Cortisol: A New Therory for Aspergers

A new theory has been proposed that may explain the development of Aspergers. The new theory suggests that some of the symptoms of Aspergers (e.g., need for routine and resistance to change) could be linked to low levels of the stress hormone Cortisol.

The body produces Cortisol, among other hormones, in stressful situations. Cortisol increases blood pressure and blood sugar levels, among other duties, to signal the body’s need to adapt to changes occurring around it. It’s thought that the increase in Cortisol shortly after waking helps jump-start the brain for the day ahead.

Normally, individuals have a surge of this hormone shortly after waking, with levels gradually decreasing throughout the day. It is thought this surge makes the brain alert, preparing the body for the day and helping the individual to be aware of changes happening around them. Researchers have discovered that Aspergers kids do not experience this surge.

Cortisol is one of a family of stress hormones that acts like a ‘red alert’ that is triggered by stressful situations allowing a person to react quickly to changes around them. In most individuals, there is a two-fold increase in levels of this hormone within 30 minutes of waking up, with levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock. Studies have found that Aspies don’t have this peak, although levels of the hormone still decreased during the day as normal. This difference in stress hormone levels could be really significant in explaining why Aspergers kids are less able to react and cope with unexpected change. These findings are important as they give us a clearer understanding about how some of the symptoms we see in Aspergers are linked to how a child adapts to change at a chemical level.

The new study suggests that Aspergers kids may not adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking. This may affect the way they subsequently engage with the world around them.

Aspergers children notably have very repetitive or narrow patterns of thought and behavior, such as being obsessed with either a single object or topic. Though tending to become experts in this limited domain, they have otherwise very limited social skills.

Understanding the symptoms of Aspergers as being a “stress response” rather than a “behavioral problem” may help parents and teachers develop strategies for avoiding situations that might cause distress in Aspergers kids.

The next step in the research will be to look at whether kids with other types of autism also lack a peak of Cortisol after waking.

Additional information on Cortisol...

Cortisol is an important hormone in the body, secreted by the adrenal glands and involved in the following functions and more:

• Immune function

• Inflammatory response

• Insulin release for blood sugar maintenance

• Proper glucose metabolism

• Regulation of blood pressure

Normally, it’s present in the body at higher levels in the morning and at its lowest at night. Small increases of Cortisol have some positive effects:

• A burst of increased immunity

• A quick burst of energy for survival reasons

• Heightened memory functions

• Helps maintain homeostasis in the body

• Lower sensitivity to pain

Low Cortisol can be treated with synthetic Cortisol drugs, also known as corticosteroids. These include hydrocortisone, prednisone and prednisolone.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook