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Aspergers Adults and Love

Some individuals with Aspergers (high functioning autism) will choose to stay single …others will marry … some will have kids …some will have happy marriages and families …and some will not. An important factor in determining their chances of happiness is “awareness” – awareness that there are two different languages of two different worlds being spoken in the home.

Anger, resentment, depression, grief, rejection, confusion ...all are experienced by both partners – unless they (a) come to the realization that each is speaking a different language AND (b) learn how to translate for each other.

Empathy and emotional intimacy are often lacking in a relationship with an Aspergers partner. This doesn't mean that love is lacking, though. People with Aspergers “love” just like anyone else, but they do not understand the need for expressing love, and they don't know when and how “expressions of love” should occur (unless their non-Aspergers partner is willing to teach them).

Teaching the “in-and-outs” of intimacy can be very helpful to an Aspie, and the “instruction” needs to be concise and concrete (no hinting or hoping he will just "pick up on it"). Aspies don't pick up on innuendos any more than color-blind people can see when a stop light turns to red.

Both partners may be in for far more than they had bargained for and certainly have had no real assistance from experts until just recently, as research has come to light.

A diagnosis of Aspergers may seem like “bad news” initially. But for the Aspie who has spent his life bumping up against misunderstandings, anger and rejection for reasons he couldn't begin to understand, such a diagnosis can bring a sense of liberation.

And for their non-Aspergers partner, there is finally a sense of comfort and a knowing that she is sane after all. There was something different at play all through their relationship, and it had nothing to do with lack of love, selfishness, insensitivity, etc. Rather it had to do with a neurological disorder; a very real disconnect right in the middle of the relationship.

Now, thanks to the research and media attention, partners affected by Aspergers have a chance to bring new methods of communication and understanding to the relationship.

==>  Living with an Aspergers Partner: Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers


 Comments:

•    Anonymous said...  I am an Aspie. I will be getting married to my Tenant and Roommate.
•    Anonymous said...  I am married to a man with aspergers. We have been married for 45 years. He was only diagnosed 3 years ago. When we met most couples did not live together before marriage. If we had I do not think I would have married hemi also have 2 adult children with it. One has out going/assertive a/s [like her dad] with severe mental health problems. The other one has passive a/s. [like her paternal uncle and cousin.]SO YES A/S PEOPLE DO MARRY. Once you have a diagnosis things get a little easier. P.S. Most of my families have good careers they all have some connection to their obsessive hobby.
•    Anonymous said... I just have to tell you that this post really made me smile. It sounds like you are married to my husband! I can't tell you what a difference it has made to me to discover there are other women out there who are in the same situation... We may not be able to talk about it with our husbands or be able to talk to friends who wouldn't understand, but I'M glad you didn't "just shut up" thanks!
•    Anonymous said... I too have noticed that there doesn't seem to be much on the web yet on this subject. I can only guess that it's because the research is all relatively new, really just a few decades. And most of it so far has been about AS children. Hopefully in time the research into other aspects of life with AS will increase and be easier to find. Meantime, I'm glad to do my bit.
•    Anonymous said... My a/s husband just carries on in his own sweet aspergers way. He will not discuss it or read up on it. He is so stubborn. I think if he read up on it, he thinks he will lose face by admitting he has it. And of course they do not like change, and to make a move to change his behavior will mean change. Why should he change? He has the life he wants, it may make me happier, but that may mean I am more affectionate to him. And he can’t stand that. I think we have to change, not them.
•    Anonymous said... My husband has AS and he's high functioning. We've been married since June 2007, and our son will be 7 months this weekend. My hubby is a wonderful father and husband. He's quite mature.
•    Anonymous said... To the last comment- This sounds exactly like my life- My partner and i have only been together for aprox 3 years- we are both young and we have a 4month old son together. I was completely unaware of the fact that he had aspergers- i just thought when he would act out of normal character that he was selfish or just being a typical male, I know he loves me, and he loves his son. His father also has Aspergers and his sister has a Autism Spectrum disorder (so it runs in the family) When discovering the reality of Aspergers i tried to reach out to his mother- being married to a man with aspergers for 25 years>she did not want a bar of it. She told me they never talk about it and theres nothing to talk about. Which was devastating to me. Im hoping to seek counselling with my partner as we have fought hundreds of times and broken up nearly every two weeks-I went into a bout of depression during my pregnancy due to all our miss-haps and figure theres no way else i could cope without help from people who know about aspergers. My family and friends have no idea and simply cannot understand what it is like. I should know and trust that he does love me-but because he doesnt see WHY he should show me affection- i feel as if he doesnt. Along with this the chance is probably 50/50 that my son will develop some sort of mental illness as my family have a histor of depression & anxiety disorders from which i too suffer from (i have only been diagnosed recently). Any way its a little weight off my shoulders reading about other people and their experiences and how similar they are to mine!
•    Anonymous said... Yes aspergers men can seem very young for their age, but my a/s husband was also great fun. To him life is fun. Also hate to spoil your therapy but he was very handsome also. So funny and handsome. How could I resist. The aspergers people in our family [many] are all good looking/clever/hard working and love the other sex [or own] so now you know a/s do have relationships, some are good looking and if they are immature, that adds to the fun.
•    Anonymous said...I've been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 7 years now its only in the last few years that I have been told that he has had aspergers from a young age and obviously as I no and only a few that it doesn't just disappear when you get older however I'm finding it hard to cope with the pressure of this whilst also having two children one whom is 3 and my daughter has just turned 1 I have been doing some research and have found your page extremely useful however. I've also noticed that many aspergers sufferers have good talents and my partner doesn't seem to have any motivation at all. As I've just started looking this up I have realized and don't want to come across as nasty but he's not the person that I thought he was I love him very much and do want to spend the rest of my life with him but can't help that with some of the things he does and says will affect our children. I think I always new that there was something not quite right but never imagined how hard it would be as being a young mother anyway its extremely hard to live a normal day to day life as nobody seems to understand that when we do have a row he doesn't mean what he does that's just the only way that he can express himself as he doesn't seem to be able to sit and talk about frustrations he will physical break things to show what he feels and then within minutes he will say sorry as he nos its wrong and it shouldn't be done. I have tried to talk about this with his mother but it seems like she has tried to hide this for a very long time and doesn't want to talk about it. It just feels like a dirty little secret when I do bring it up. She says he only suffers from a small amount of the symptoms but as we go on it seems to be a lot more than what she has told me. I just don't no where else to turn as if I do tell people like family health visitors nobody seems to have a clue what I'm on about! I don't actually think my partner has ever been told what he has properly and the affects how do I go about doing all this without him thinking I'm interfering.
•    Anonymous said… I been with my boyfriend for a year and I get that it's harder than the average relationship,but to put up with each others crap is what shows the true meaning of love lol. I realized that being with him has helped me a lot and I help him a lot.Accepting what he has and loving him for who he is and willing to go ways for him is what I'm willing to do because I have love him.
•    Anonymous said… Sadly there doesn't seem to be much support in Australia, as I was diagnosed last year at 35, after my wife left me, and have had extreme difficulty finding new friends, as I have had to do it on my own with virtually no support. This needs to change very soon
•    Anonymous said… We are mature. Lol. Immaturity is Not one of the traits. We may take longer getting to be fully emotionally mature but that depends on how much is done for us and how much we do for ourselves.

Post your comment below…
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Married To An Aspie: 25 Tips For Spouses

If you are about to embark on a marriage to someone who has Aspergers (high functioning autism), there are a few things that you may need to know (some good, and some not-so-good, perhaps):

1. Although Aspies (i.e., people with Aspergers) do feel affection towards others, relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for neurotypicals or NTs (i.e., individuals without Aspergers).

2. A relationship with an Aspergers partner may take on more of the characteristics of a business partnership or arrangement.

3. Although he genuinely loves his spouse, the Aspie does not know how to show this in a practical way sometimes.

4. An Aspie is often attracted to someone who shares his interests or passions, and this can form a good basis for their relationship.

5. An Aspie needs time alone. Often the best thing the NT partner can do is give her Aspie the freedom of a few hours alone while she visits friends or goes shopping.

6. An Aspie often has a particular interest or hobby. While this may border on obsessive, the NT partner would do well to show interest in it. It may even become something they can do together.

7. An NT partner needs to understand her Aspie’s background in order to work with him on their marriage. She will need patience and perseverance as well as understanding that he functions on a different emotional level to her.

8. Aspies do marry, and while NT partners can be frustrated by their lack of emotion and physical contact, their Aspergers spouses do bring strengths into the relationship. If there is open communication, the NT partner can help her Aspie to improve in areas of weakness and encourage him in the things he is naturally good at.

9. Aspies often has a specific area of weakness in marriage. They often do not feel the need to express love, and the NT partner can help them understand that this is important. Discussions about how to display affection, holding hands in public and buying small gifts can be beneficial, but don’t be surprised if the results are amusing.

10. Aspies typically mature later than NTs. As young adults, they are often emotionally immature and have poor social skills. As time passes, however, they can develop to a point where they are able to enter into a relationship with the opposite sex.

11. Because Aspies tend to talk and act differently to NTs, they commonly attract a specific type of partner. Their spouses are often caring and nurturing and have strong protective instincts. In many ways, they become a link between their Aspie and society.

12. Because the Aspie does not have the same relational needs as the NT partner, he may be unable to recognize instinctively or to meet the emotional needs of his partner. Marriages can thus form some dysfunctional relationship patterns.

13. For NTs who had normal expectations of the mutuality of marriage, there may be a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being used and trapped while in a relationship with an Aspie.

14. In marriage, the Aspie often displays great devotion to his partner and is reliable, honest and faithful.

15. In the privacy of their relationship, the NT partner may become physically and emotionally drained, working overtime to keep life on track for both of them.

16. It’s important to look at the Aspies’s motives rather than his actual behavior.

17. Lowering expectations will make the marriage more predictable and manageable, if not easier.

18. NT partners may begin to feel that they are entirely defined by the role they fill for their Aspie partner. There can be a sense that there is little mutuality, equality and justice.

19. NT partners may feel that they are daily sacrificing their own sense of self to help fulfill the priorities of the Aspie partner.

20. NT partners may resent the reality of living on terms dictated by the needs and priorities of the Aspie partner.

21. Positive traits such as faithfulness and reliability are bonuses, and the NT partner can encourage her Aspie by praising him for these.

22. Sometimes a relationship with an Aspergers partner ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the Aspie than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the NT partner.

23. The Aspie can sometimes be emotionally and physically detached and become focused on a special interest to the exclusion of his partner.

24. The NT partner may unwittingly fill the role of “personal assistant” rather than being an “intimate-romantic partner.”

25. Your Aspie partner may seem to be more focused on a particular interest, project or task than on the people around them.

=>  Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

=> Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
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ASD and Impaired Humor Comprehension

Research has shown that people with ASD (high functioning autism) are impaired in humor appreciation, although anecdotal and parental reports provide some evidence to the contrary.

Flexible thinking is vital in comprehending jokes. Punch-lines in jokes are funny mostly because they are unexpected. In addition, big picture thinking is needed in understanding jokes, as it allows the listener to discern how the surprising punch line fits together with the joke body. 

As people on the spectrum often demonstrate rigid thinking, a desire for the preservation of sameness, and difficulties with big picture thinking, it seems that they have trouble perceiving and producing “normal” humor.

Research suggests that they produce and perceive humor in ways that are different from their same-age peers. They tended to prefer jokes with straightforward endings more than did peers in the control group, and their humor production was often less organized. However, research also suggests that boys with ASD both want to laugh – and to make others laugh. Thus, rather than calling this finding “impaired humor appreciation,” a better term might be “humor nonconformity.”

The ability to engage in social interaction is not one skill, but a set of skills that includes facility with language, interpreting nuances, reading facial expressions, regulating emotions, and understanding the possible motives and wishes of others. While people on the spectrum typically have average to well above average verbal cognitive abilities, they often have difficulty using language in ways that connect them to others.

Research asserts the importance of humor in developing and maintaining relationships. It has been shown to reduce social uncertainty and anxiety, increase intimacy, and allow for the safe expression of delicate issues (e.g., sexual interest).

Since “normal” humor (i.e., humor that facilitates relationships) plays such a vital role in relationships, the possibility of humor-related “abnormalities” would help explain some of the social difficulties seen with Aspies.

The difficulty of a person with ASD having an “abnormal” sense of humor is that he is less likely to draw others to himself through this “social tool.” This is especially true during adolescence, when peers ostracize those who are different. Difficulties understanding humor can create a feeling of isolation in Aspies when they are surrounded by laughing peers who got the joke. 

Also, they may become ideal targets for “emotional bullying’ (e.g., without understanding the sarcasm in a put-down, people with ASD are not likely to fight back). With decreased ability to make others laugh, autistic teens have less access to a powerful medium for facilitating relationships.

The awareness of these issues has implications for possible intervention. Parents can coach their  child on elements of humor. Humor skills can be explicitly taught with some success. By giving them these skills, they are given a more equal chance with regard to social interaction.
More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

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Aspergers Men and Relationship Difficulties

Question

Through my own research, and now consultation with a Master's level psychologist, I am convinced, after almost 5 years of excruciating loneliness, isolation, depression, and heartache, that my husband has Asperger's. He is a very, very smart, attractive guy who can be the kindest person I know...but he can also be unbelievably stubborn (or so I thought) and verbally/emotionally abusive. He is completely detached from me and our young daughter, and after five years of marriage, we have had sex maybe 20 times, and have not had any sexual contact (even so much as a "real" kiss) in 18 months. While this is devastating to me, my husband seems totally unaffected by it, and now I guess I understand why... he has always said that it is my problem to deal with...I'm the one that wants it, not him. With no history of depression or anything like it, the isolation and constantly being blamed for everything wrong with the marriage, and having every little thing about me picked apart daily, I spiraled into a major depression that I am just finding my way out of.

Having discovered Asperger's, I have been able to let go (with God's help) of so much of the hurt and resentment that wouldn't leave because the heartbreaking events were almost daily. I really do see my husband in a different light, and it is helping me to cope for the time being. I was always baffled by his behavior because I truly believe he is a good man, but even in describing some scenarios that have played out in our home to my counselor; he can sound like an abusive monster. I love him with all my heart, and I want nothing more than to keep my family intact, and for our daughter to experience as healthy a childhood as we can possibly provide. My main problem lies in my husband's refusal to acknowledge that anything is going on.

He has extreme sensory issues (very very very limited diet, and has told me it makes his skin crawl when I kiss him softly, etc., etc., etc.), but he insists that it couldn't be Asperger's or any other thing that can be "labeled" (his word). I tried very calmly and lovingly explaining that if he was in fact living with Asperger's, that is certainly did not mean anything was "wrong" with him...that I felt from my reading that it simply is an explanation for some of his thought processes, etc., and that most people with Aspergers are extremely bright, productive individuals. I wanted him to see it as the positive thing that I did, but he completely shut me down and got very angry. I apologized for bringing it up, and told him that I loved him and meant no disrespect at all. I already feel like he is annoyed with me and with life in general about 95% of the time, so I just wanted to get back to a peaceful situation as quickly as possible.

If he will not acknowledge the situation, how can we get help? I am so willing to walk to this road with him, but I cannot continue to walk it alone...being blamed for everything...it takes all of my emotional energy just to get from day to day...I am constantly exhausted and drained...any thoughts?


Answer

Many partners assume that emotionally unavailable "Aspies" (i.e., people with Aspergers and high-functioning autism) choose to reject intimacy because they have fallen out of love. This is not the case. Remaining emotionally-distant is rarely a choice; it's more like a case of “social-ignorance disease” (also called mindblindness) that often operates at a subconscious level.

As if being unable to healthily connect in a relationship weren’t bad enough, those who suffer from Aspergers usually want a connection the most, but don’t have the proper circuits operating in their brain to establish one.

If you’re married to an emotionally unavailable Aspie, you should always consider marriage counseling before you make the final decision of separating or getting a divorce. In counseling, when each person expresses his/her thoughts and feelings about the relationship in front of a therapist whose job it is to remain objective, new light is shed on the problems in the marriage. The Aspie may feel more inclined to present his side in a way that his partner can understand. Also, the person suffering in the relationship because of their partner’s emotional unavailability can openly discuss the pain it causes without the fear of being tuned out or dismissed.

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50 Positive Characteristics of ASD [level 1]

Most kids and teens with ASD (high functioning autism) have a bunch of positive traits that more than make-up for any negative ones. As one Aspie asserted, “Thank God I have Aspergers!” 

Let’s look at just a few of the positive traits associated with the condition...

Most young people on the spectrum:
  1. are able to easily forgive others
  2. are conscientious, reliable, and honest
  3. are enthusiastic and have a propensity for obsessive research, thus developing a broad and deep base of knowledge in subjects of interest
  4. are free of prejudice
  5. are intelligent and talented
  6. are less inclined to be fickle or bitchy than their neurotypical counterparts
  7. are more likely than those of the general population to pursue a university education
  8. are not inclined to lie to others
  9. are not inclined to steal from others
  10. are not likely to be bullies, con artists, or social manipulators
  11. are not motivated by an intense social drive to spend time with whoever happens to be available
  12. are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise, they can usually be trusted to follow through
  13. are unlikely to launch unprovoked attacks, verbal or otherwise
  14. are untainted by the judgments that people often make regarding one another's social position or social skills
  15. are very accepting of the quirks and idiosyncrasies of others
  16. bring a highly original perspective to problem solving
  17. can be selective, choosing honest, genuine, dependable people who share their interests
  18. can bring up a variety of interesting facts
  19. can listen to people’s problems and provide a fresh perspective, offering pure assessments based on the information provided
  20. can recall fine details that others miss
  21. can relax and be themselves without fearing social censure
  22. don’t attack the reputations of those around them
  23. don’t discriminate against anyone based on race, gender, age, or any other surface criteria
  24. don’t force others to live up to demanding social expectations
  25. don't have hidden agendas
  26. don’t play head games
  27. don’t take advantage of other’s weaknesses
  28. don't usually recognize hierarchies, and so are unlikely to give someone superior status simply because that person is wealthy or has attained a high position in an organization
  29. have a good work ethic
  30. have a lot of passion when engaging in activities they like, which may translate into a talent for certain athletic pursuits
  31. have a tendency to adhere to routines
  32. have above-average intelligence
  33. have an acute sensitivity that supports creative talents
  34. have exceptional memories
  35. have extreme endurance
  36. have high integrity
  37. have no interest in harming others
  38. have one or more highly developed talents
  39. have talents for swimming, rowing, running, bodybuilding, or other activities that require sustained physical effort
  40. have values that aren't shaped by financial, social, or political influences
  41. judge people based on their behavior – not the color of their skin or socioeconomic status
  42. like to spend time alone and are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves
  43. loathe small talk and trivialities, preferring instead to talk about significant things that will enhance their knowledge base
  44. make very good employees if able to control their pace and work within either a solitary or socially supportive environment
  45. pay attention to detail
  46. stick to their positions, even in the face of intense social pressure
  47. tend to become proficient in the technological media required for lucrative employment in the “information age”
  48. tend to prefer individual sports to team sports, as there are no social demands and they can exercise complete control over the activity
  49. who develop an interest in sport or fitness are likely to work at it every day, often for long periods of time
  50. will not go along with the crowd if they know that something is wrong

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